Your Partner’s Bad Mood Isn’t a Stop Sign

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Hey, it's Dr. Tracy and I wanted to talk about what happens if our partner is in a bad mood or is upset. And we have it planned that I'm supposed to be the one going out tonight. Now, this is a continuation from the podcast conversation that we just had. So if you haven't listened to that one, pause this, go back and listen to that. Greg and I talk about male friendships, about the importance of autonomy and independence in a relationship. But today I want to tackle this specific element of that conversation because so many people come to me saying, you know, I want to have friend time, I want to have individual time. But whenever I leave, my partner's in a bad mood or they're struggling or the kids are melting down again. I want to first acknowledge that this is a very real experience. Experience that you set everything up, you negotiate. Hopefully you've talked about how can we support each other this week, and you've talked about how can I then support you in that moment. You know, maybe it's you setting up dinner or setting up bedtime so that everything can flow a little smoother while you go out to do the thing that you had previously agreed upon to do. But the moment comes and here's what happens. You are putting on your jacket, you look over, your partner's upset, the kids are on the floor, everyone's crying. And it's this choice point right here. What do I do? And I know for many people they'll say to me, Dr. Tracy, there's no point in me going out. It's just easier. I, I, I can just put myself on the sideline. I see them struggling, I don't want, I don't even want to come back to them being in a bad mood. I'm just gonna stay home. And yes, I know in the short term that that is going to work. And also in the long run, when you continue to self abandon and to give up your own needs, not nurture these other parts of you that are important over time that seeps into your relationship. So here's what I want you to hold on to if this happens to be your experience when it comes to choosing things for yourself. So I'm not even talking about big things. These could even be the little things. This could be something like, you know, I work with a lot of women and they'll say things like, I wanted.

To go have a shower and my.

Partner'S upset because I said, can you look after the kids for 30 minutes? And hey, we, there's a whole other piece in there about the she fault default parent that both of you are responsible for navigating the kids in there. And if you haven't, I'm just going to plug Eve Rosky's podcast episodes. I'll put the link in the show notes there for this one. Conversations around the mental load are so important. It's just a podcast episode all on its own. But here's what I want to acknowledge. If your partner is upset that you are carving out time for you, whether it's the shower, it's Going to the yoga class, it's going to meet up friends. It's the hobby that you've been wanting to take up. That does not mean you are doing something wrong. And the guilt that you feel as you leave that guilt comes from your values clashing against each other. There's the value of being the supportive partner and the value of nurturing myself. And they're clashing and that's where guilt is. Guilt does not mean that you are doing something bad. It means your values are bumping up against each other. You are not bad for needing time for yourself to nurture your own identity. It's so important. And there's another relational piece in here that I think is so important for us to recognize. Oftentimes people feel safe when they feel the same way. So if my partner's in a bad mood and I can just kind of not put out my needs, then we're safe and connected. Or if my partner's happy, then, you know, I won't rock the boat and stir the pot by saying, I want to go out tonight and leave you with the kids who you just had an awful day with. Right. So the sense of sameness is often this false sense of security. And instead a healthy relationship is about differentiation. I talk about this in my first book. I give you lots of stories from couples I worked with, with individuals. And also my own story is in there that's. I didn't sign up for this, my first book. And this idea is that you and I are two separate people and we're going to have two complet completely different emotional responses to things. We have a different internal world and neither one of us makes us right or wrong. But instead the job then as a partner is to witness the other person's emotional experience. Not to make it go away, not to change what we want and need, not to self abandon, but instead to then say, what do you need in these moments? So here again, you're putting on your.

Jacket, you look over at your partner.

They'Re in a bad mood, this is not feeling good. And you think, oh no, I shouldn't be going out. So instead you're going to slow it down. You're going to be aware of that moment. Now that we're talking about it here, you take a breath and you say, hey, I know this is a hard moment. I know I'm leaving and these are hard moments. And I see you and what can I do in this moment to support you? It might be nothing. It might be, thank you for seeing me. It could even be like, you know, you expressing appreciation that you're. You get to go and do this. That's all that I need. It might be, you know what, could you actually just take two minutes to go set up the kids beds for bedtime? That would really help me. Or if it's a big need, like, well, the house is a mess and it hasn't been vacuumed, and you can't do that before you go out. Then you say, yeah, I hear you. I totally get that. And I'm gonna do that tomorrow when I get back. Make sure you hold yourself accountable and do that when you say yes. Okay? But here's the thing. When your partner is struggling, that doesn't mean you lose yourself. You can remain connected with them without problem solving, fixing, justifying. Also without abandoning and letting go of and giving up yourself. It's the space between you two. And it also means that you have to tolerate some discomfort. And remember this, if your partner is having hard feelings as you are leaving, let them have their hard feelings, because this is not about you. They're having the hard feelings because the kids are melting down, because all the things are piling up. Whatever that looks like. Allow space for them to have the feeling. Don't try to fix it. Don't change your plans. All right, I hope that's something helpful and tangible for you to go forward the next time you think about nurturing yourself, your friendships, time away from the relationship, and your partner is struggling in that moment. All right, thanks for clicking play. Don't forget to hit subscribe and I will see you next time.