How to Know If No Contact Is Actually Working (Even If Your Ex Is Silent)

Hello, lovers. I'm so excited to meet with you today and answer some of your questions. People have been writing in and responding to the email I sent out this morning about what you would like me to answer for you. So I'm just gonna get started, and first we have a question from Anita. I'm going through a divorce. I want to attract a guy and keep his attention. One of my biggest problems is I have to stop being a doer and a giver and start creating the energy to receive. I don't know how to let men do. I've discovered dating today, men want sex right away. I've been with my husband for 22 years. I'm not ready. How do I set the boundaries but keep them interested? How do I do that in a feminine way? All right, here's the thing. You want to start thinking about it like your presence and your attention is like a container. Now, it can be a really You know, beautiful, gorgeous, sensuous container. And when you meet a man who's interested in you, you want to think about it like he's adding to that container. He's putting things in your life, and you open the container based on the way that he's treating you. So that container just doesn't fling itself open like some kind of you know, craze storage units and start accepting things. It opens a little bit by bit because if you put the wrong things in the container, you're in trouble, right? So when you're dating, the best way to do this is to think about it like, well, am I— have I heard from him? Am I feeling good when I'm around him? Do I really enjoy his presence? Do I want to keep doing this together? Now, that's up to you, and that's up to how your container feels, but the container doesn't rush after things and try to put it, you know, them in it, put them in it. I mean, the container is there, the container is ready to go, but it has to be filled in order to, for anyone to get anywhere. So, when it comes to being a giver and a doer, you know, when we get excited about people, sometimes we are tempted to just Overload them with what we have to offer. We, we think to ourselves, okay, I've got to give him everything. Like, oh, I'm so excited. And the best thing to do is really sit back and just kind of stay interested in what you're doing and what you're feeling and what is making you feel right about it instead of reaching out and trying to grab it. Because the minute that you're doing and in that controlling energy, you're masculine. So you want to make sure that you don't overwhelm a man once he starts coming towards you. You want him to just keep coming towards you. Keep, keep coming, keep coming. Men are fine about waiting for sex if it— if they're enjoying themselves in your presence. If you're weird about sex, like he won't value you if you don't provide him with sex, then you're not staying rooted in your own irresistibility. You're not coming from a place of Ownership of really being valuable. You're coming from a place of, I'm trying to sell you something. And when you're trying to sell, sales always needs a buyer, right? So the best way to, you know, to think about it is that you're the treasure and he comes after you. Now, if he just doesn't want to come after you, then that's up to him. That's his decision. But you won't get him to come after you if you try to go after him. There's no way to do it. So you just want to think about it more like you sit where you are, you enjoy yourself, you keep your hobbies and your interests and everything that lights you up, and you just maintain your absolute certainty in your value. And then that way, it doesn't matter whether he comes towards you or not. He can put things in the container or not. That doesn't even matter. So that's the best way to set boundaries is to You know, think about it like, like a video game. You don't get to the next level of, you know, having sex and enjoying your sensual treasures if you're not contributing. So just think about it like that and enjoy men, enjoy their company, like really get to know them, let them come toward you. So Anita, good luck. And you know, that's a pretty common question, so you're not alone there. All right, next. We have Tara. How would I know that no contact is working? Now, this kind— when it comes to a breakup, there's a lot of coaches, and me myself, when I wrote my program Ex Attraction Formula, I advise no contact as well. Because the reason why— the point of doing no contact is that you get started renovating your life and you get started falling back in love with yourself and getting used to not having that other person there all the time and getting used to establishing new habits without them and getting used to doing things with other people besides the other person, you know, besides your person. And then you— The point of no contact in the beginning was to really just give everybody a break. It was just to do a full-on, you know, moment where we just stop and we just recollect ourselves. And it kind of got perverted into this idea that that was going to magically make the other person rush back and proclaim their love and do all of those things. Now, no contact can be pretty compelling. Like, I'm not gonna— it's a super effective technique, but you can't use it as a technique when it works. And that's the hard part about it. The way to use it is to think to yourself, okay, you know, we need a timeout. Everybody said things that they didn't mean, or that, you know, this didn't go the right way. And we all just need to take a break. And we all just need to, you know, you don't have to say this to somebody. But what you do is you just pull back into your own energy. And like I was just talking about the container, you bring yourself back to maintaining your own container. And you think about what you really want in your life and what you really want to enjoy. And you just don't worry about that other person for a while. Like, you just don't, you know. And I know when you're going through a breakup, it's really, really hard not to be in that obsessive place where you're doing everything and thinking all the time about them and really trying to make them move. But that's a controlling place. And you don't really want to start your new relationship with an ex in a controlling place. You really want everybody to be excited to be there, right? It isn't— you don't want it to be because you did this technique that they were suddenly, you know, entranced by you. You want it to be a real genuine, authentic thing. So you don't want to handle no contact like, oh, I will do no contact, and then after the formula of time, then I will reapproach them. Which, when I explain it myself in my book, I Try to, you know, make that clear. But also, there's a lot of things that you do in that time that really make it work. And all of those things are about getting back to yourself and getting back to who you really are and what lights you up without your ex around. And so if you're constantly sitting at home frustrated and worried about what your ex is doing, then you're going to Not really get anywhere. Like, they're not gonna call, they're still gonna know, they can feel energetically that you're there waiting. Like, it's icky. It just doesn't, doesn't feel good. So you know that no contact is working when you've stopped worrying about what your ex is doing or who they're seeing or what they're up to or checking their social media or all of the things that people do. So So as far as it working, that's hard because you're still maintaining that it's a technique with that perspective. You're still maintaining that this is the thing that is going to get you the result. Now what gets you the result is all the work you're doing while you're in the background not talking to that person. And that's what you want to keep in mind when you just, you know, cut contact or decide that you're going to pull back. So I hope that helps you. All right, so next we have Saba or Sabah. Hi, I want to know how to build the attraction again. We seem to bicker a lot and I miss how it was. Okay, well, lots of times when people are on top of each other and they're bickering a lot, one person is trying to get something or feels like there's something missing. And the other person is sort of in a place where they don't always agree. They're not exactly on the same page about that. So it can look like, like a chaser and a pursuer. So, you know, I decide that I want more cookies, say, and I feel like really entitled to all these cookies and I don't have any. So I say to my person, well, can you bring me more cookies? And they say no. Or they say yes, and then they just refuse to perform. That happens too. So since I've decided I need this and that I require this in order to be happy, I'm going to keep reproaching them and keep creating a situation where we're bickering and, and just not really connecting or flirting or doing anything like connection. There's just, yeah, like, why didn't you bring me the cookies? Why didn't you care for me? Why aren't you taking care of this? Why, why, why, why? This is all about you. And that, that is why you keep bickering. So the best way to stop bickering is to stop thinking that the other person has anything that you want. Just settle on the idea that they have nothing to offer you. And it's not that they really truly don't have anything to offer you. But you have to stop thinking about it like they have something you need and that they're denying it in any way. And you just divorce yourself from the whole idea that you're not getting something. You have to think to yourself, how can I meet my own needs? And then extend outward. And then you'll, you'll notice that all of your needs get met. It's amazing. As soon as you start worrying about them yourself and then really, really meeting them, not like halfway, but all the way meeting your own needs. You won't have a problem with any of this. There's not anything to gain. There's no reason to quibble. Now, if they're in a— if you're in a pattern where they are doing this demand to you and then you snap back at them, the best way to do it is to just agree with them. Gosh, you're right. I don't have your cookies. We should go look for those. Those seem lost. Instead of saying, Well, cookies aren't my job. Cookies aren't even— cookies aren't even mine. Like, why do I even— why would I care about cookies? You say, well, you're right. I see that those are missing. How can we get that for you? And then you're working together as a team. And then the dynamic changes. And over time, as you focus on meeting your own needs and then just letting them have their needs without you feeling the need to rush in and do anything about that, It will all start to smooth out, but you have to give it some time. It can't be like one, you know, one request for cookies and you're ready to strangle them. It has to be that you really step back, take a break, center yourself, let them be in this place where they're feeling needy and they want something that you can't give them or you don't want to give them or whatever. So that's the best way to stop the bickering and complaining and Just meet your own needs. Just accept them where they are, except that they do or do not have something or are or are not doing something, and then just let it go. Like, really let it go. Not forever, and not because you don't want that thing, but because being in that place, you'll continue to attract that energy, that needy Energy that just gets on things and it starts spreading and it makes it so hard to really even operate. So that's the best way to turn that around. And we'll get on the next question. I wanted to see how a man means true love when distance is involved. Okay, that's kind of short. So when it comes to distance, you have to think about it like you are eventually going to close the distance. Now, I don't mean that you as the feminine energy are going to be the one who closes the distance. I mean that the masculine has to keep coming toward you, has to keep coming towards you. Now, he'll start out by coming towards you in really small ways. He'll contact you once in a while, then he'll start— the snowball will roll and he'll contact you more, and then he'll start making motions about coming towards you. And what you do, just like I explained the container in the beginning, is you just let them keep coming towards you. You let that just continue. And so a lot of people say a lot of stuff when it comes to these things. They promise stuff that they aren't always ready to offer on. They might mean something one day and then change their mind. And so the best way to handle it is to just keep the energy flowing towards you. So you just— well, that's wonderful. I'm really enjoying spending time with you too. Gosh, it's a nice day out. You don't need to worry about like your eternal future. Well, somebody from across the country may or may not want to see you. Like, you have to think about it like diversification. So he might be in love with you, and there might also be 10 other people that are in love with you. Now, worrying about any particular one of them who isn't really sweeping you off your feet or really, you know, in a place where he's coming all the time and is wanting exclusivity and offering you everything that you want, then you don't worry about it. You just go about your day and enjoy the company and enjoy the The wonderful feeling of having somebody just adore you, and you just let all of that other stuff take care of itself while you take care of yourself. So you don't, you know, give him any ultimatums or make him prove anything, or, you know, or require anything except that you just keep making it clear that you're not going to only entertain his advances. You don't say, I'm not going to only entertain your advances. Well, you just Refuse exclusivity. You refuse anything that's just him and you diversify. You always want to add men. If you have a man problem, more men, because men, they react to that. And also, so do you, because you really want people coming out of the woodwork to talk to you. You really want them really just going out of their way and When they know that there's nobody else and you're just sitting at home pining away from them, that's when they get fickle and they do all kinds of stuff we don't like. Also, it's easier to focus on one man when it's like that because there's just not enough distractions. You might really like them and have great chemistry with one of them, but you still need to let this whole process go. It has to run its course. So you can't stay in your feminine when You know, you're trying to control one because controlling is masculine energy. So you just sit back and enjoy. Oh, it's wonderful. Gosh, I really enjoy talking to you too. And then you just let him do what he's gonna do. And then if it really is true love, he'll close the gap. So I hope that helps you. And always maintain faith in your own irresistibility because that's really the key there. So thank you so much. And those are the questions. Let me see if any just new ones have popped up in the last few minutes. Um, let me see. Oh, looks like we're all set. Well, thank you so much. And I really appreciate you watching and, you know, that your attention to Attract One Live has been super exciting.