Elizabeth Stone argues that trying to balance letting go while hoping for reunion is impossible. Real acceptance means surrendering without expecting your ex to return, and missing them is just a passing thought, not your identity. Overthinking the breakup only feeds anxiety.
Hi, I'm Elizabeth Stone, and here's today's question. Should I continue to walk the fine line I seem to be walking between letting go of the past, accepting what is, and the desire that, despite being out of my control, my ex and I may one day cross paths and start anew? Does this desire amount to nothing more than hoping we will get back together, which in and of itself seems to be a refusal to accept the way things are and perhaps even a refusal to let go of the past? It's been 356 days since my life changed forever, and I find that she is still to this day often on my mind despite all the progress I've made. Perhaps part of true acceptance is simply accepting that she will continue to be on my mind for years to come, and that missing her cannot and should not become an impediment to me living my best life. All right, to be a little bit blunt, should you walk this imaginary fine line you mentioned? No. It doesn't seem to be helping, which I know because of the way that you phrase the question. So I like to simplify things and see if they still make sense, because it sounds like you're up in your head about what letting go and moving on really is and what it does. The fine line you're mentioning here is imaginary. You are where you are, and that place does not sound like letting it go— letting go and acceptance have quite happened yet. And that's okay. That's typical grief and loss handling. For humans. But I'm not seeing much letting go or acceptance here, because if there was, we wouldn't still be counting the time since the breakup happened in exact days. We wouldn't be here talking about this situation in this, is this the correct strategy, way at all. Now, we may talk about how you miss her occasionally because she was an important part of your life, but accepting reality doesn't necessarily include strategizing around changing it. Now, I completely understand why you asked this question because of all of the talk about letting go and surrender and how to effectively get an ex back. And like, letting go and surrendered mindsets are powerful. I wouldn't suggest them otherwise. I've lost track of the times that clients' exes reappeared the minute that they actually let go and move on. It's happened to me myself and then like millions of other people, and it's maddening. But when I say move on and let go of your ex, I mean it. It isn't playtime. I mean it. Move on. Let go. Surrender. Quit. Give up. Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, do whatever it takes to think new thoughts and live the best life that you mentioned, even if it feels excruciating and frustrating at first. I'm not suggesting letting go and surrender as a technique for getting your ex back as much as I am because it hacks into the embrace reality in the now and generate future happiness function of your human psychology. And all anyone is trying to actually gain when they're working on creating anything is a feeling. So hear me now. If you're watching this and you're interested in getting back together with a specific person, all you actually want when you're trying to save your relationship with Sandra or Barry or whoever, is a feeling. That's it. You want the feeling that you get when you're around them, and maybe the sneaky relief and ego satisfaction of having succeeded at repairing things between you. Now, I get that some people feel irreplaceable to you, and I honor that. I know, I get it. I'm not immune to thinking those thoughts and missing someone. But, and this is a big giant but, the mindset that creates the statement, it's been 356 days since my life was changed forever, how can I still miss her, what should I do, at point A is a vast full space journey away from the surrendered point B mindset, which is something like, I'm cool chilling here in my flat by myself, maybe I'll get dinner soon. Oh wait, she popped into my head, I miss her. Back to cooking. The second mindset is closest to what you said at the end of your question. Perhaps part of true acceptance is simply accepting that she will continue to be on my mind for years to come, and that the missing her cannot and should not become an impediment to me living my best life. This is closest to what letting go and acceptance actually look like. The thought that you miss someone might still occur to you, But a more surrendered mindset is when you let it go instead of falling for the illusion that thinking the thought, I miss them, needs to be handled somehow and means something about you, her, the relationship, or your identity as a whole. Missing someone can just mean that they popped into your consciousness. But like random thoughts of my ex-husband, for example, it just floats through randomly and then it's gone. It doesn't have to mean anything. I don't have to hire a team of professionals to deal with it. It's just on to the next thought. So of course you're going through refusal to let go of the past. It's written all over the question. You wouldn't be asking it if you weren't. Suffering is how humans know they're confused and have gotten off track with their thinking. And because of the way you asked the question, I suspect that you spend a fair amount of time imagining you were wrong to think whatever thing you happen to think And then trying to clean it up and do better. But that's just a hunch, and that's just thought on my part. Might be true for you, might not be. And sometimes at a time like this, lots of people get stuck here because deep down they believe that more thinking is all that's necessary to gain control and turn the situation around. It's kind of like how people will stay in their heads and mistake worrying about a relationship for doing something helpful with the other person that actually builds a relationship. Imagining that gaining control will magically reduce our anxiety is a quirky part of human nature. And this thought experiment about whether you should let go or not let go, or whether you are or not, is a thought experiment, and that could be one of those times. So I'll leave you with a few food-for-thought questions to think about. Would it offend and upset you if she surprised you by suddenly reappearing after you truly let go? And given that the situation between you is already very disconnected right now, do you have anything to lose by letting go? And to borrow a little bit from Byron Katie, who would you be if you let go completely? So, it doesn't have to be a problem to think whatever you think. There are no shoulds in thought. But if you want to be happy, which makes you more attractive automatically, Then it may be helpful to get out of the habit of thinking and overthinking about whether you're thinking right. Less thought may be helpful for this situation, not more. Missing someone, for example, is just a thought. It doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you can live your best life or not. All right, I think that's about enough food for thought about letting go and moving on for today. So please like this video and subscribe to the channel. It really helps me grow and reach more people. If you're interested in getting my help with your situation, I offer one-on-one coaching. To book private coaching with me, please go to the website and hit the coaching tab at the top of the page. You will see instructions for how to book. Also, you can sign up for my 2 free master classes, The 7 Blocks to Manifesting Love and 3 Innocent Mistakes women make with men. All you have to do is put in your name and email address and you can watch immediately. So, until next time, I'm Elizabeth Stone. Have fun out there.
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