Relationship Advice | Create Safety During Sex by Honoring Your Needs

What I'd like to share with you is some of the things that come up in our own practice, as well as a lot of our clients' practice, in such a moment as this. Because your need for safety is real, and I can see you right now putting that on yourself as something that needs to happen here. But sometimes we're surprised to find out that the person next to us does have an impact on how safe we could feel in any given moment. And when such moments like this arise, You might say something like— then London says this to me— she might sit down and I'll say, I want your mouth around my cock, right? And she just sat down. Now she's not ready for that, and I might get a not yet.

And then she might say something like, what I would need is to know there's no rush. What I would need is for you to tell me there's no rush.

There's no rush.

Now I can feel that didn't quite do it for me all the way, so then I say another one. What I would need is for you to lean back and let me come to you. Now this is making a massive difference, right? Suddenly I can feel I'm, I'm like getting to a yes very quickly. What I would need is your presence through relaxation in your belly and a deep breath deep into your pelvic floor through mine. So like, there's wisdom in me because I can feel his urgency. I can feel his like You know, it's, it's not awake. It's kind of coming from craving. And as soon as he makes those changes, now we're arriving in something that's really worthy of my sexual worship. Does it make sense? Like, he shifted a couple of things in his body. The craving is no longer present. Now the desire is— you can have desire without craving. And that's so hot for me. When he arrives in desire without craving, it's almost like he creates an invitation. And I get— I mean, I can truly feel I would absolutely do that next.

And what I want to point out here that's very important is, as she's saying what she would need, I'm being very careful not to shut down my desire for that thing. Because if she suddenly goes, not yet, what I would need is something totally opposite of that. If I go, oh, you know, oh, I messed up, or, oh, it's not time for that, oh, I rushed things— if I get into any kind of judgment spiral about what my desire is there, we're not doing the alchemy. Now I shut down. So what I'm here doing is, as she's getting her need met, I'm continuing to feel my desire to have my cock in her mouth. And I allow myself permission to feel that as we honor that need that's present. And this is what it means to hold equanimity and desire at the same time. Can you see that? This is what makes those moments hot. So here you are learning how to meet one another even through these difficult moments, but it still feels like the hottest moment of lovemaking you've ever had. And this is how it's done.