When your partner won't hear you, it's because they don't feel seen first. Try leading with radical ownership statements like "I see that I hurt you because I..." before expressing your own feelings. This practice of witnessing them honestly can break the emotional deadlock and create space for them to finally receive you.
When our partner is unable to receive our feelings, it's because they don't feel seen in the first place. A person who doesn't feel seen, doesn't feel understood, doesn't feel acknowledged for what their experience is or what they're feeling will have no capacity for somebody else's feelings. And the way that we artfully meet our partner in a situation like this is, what if you brought your seer first? And you brought your seer to your partner in a way where you said, I see the pain that I've created because I— When we're here trying to feel, feel, feel, see me, see me, see me, see me, see me, we haven't even taken the time to actually see the person in front of us first. We haven't given the gift that we're wanting to get. We're just wanting to get the gift of him or her seeing us when we haven't even given that gift first. And that creates a stalemate. And so what if you wrote down, I see fill in the blank because I fill in the blank, and taking radical ownership of the impact that you may have had on him in those moments. That's one of the hardest practices to do because your feelers hurt. You want to defend, you want to stand in your position, but that's where the argument lies. Both of you want to, but one of you has got to break the spell. When you give another human being that gift, eventually the ice glacier will start to melt. And if that person truly loves you, after so much of doing that truly with not expecting anything in return, just giving, giving, giving, that person is going to suddenly be like, hmm, I see that. Or suddenly they have room for what you feel or what your experience is next. But that room, that space only gets created once they actually feel seen. And so that's the initiative where you find out what is the seeing that I could bring to him that would truly serve him and make him feel seen and validated in his experience, even if your feeler disagrees with it. Humble yourself. Don't lie. Be totally honest. Actually see with awareness. That will earn his trust. That will make him feel seen. That will begin to mend That's your starting point. That's the way through. And this isn't just in your situation. This is always the situation for everyone on this call. For London and I, that's our situation every moment. And when you have that roadmap to restore love and harmony, then there will be this automatic return, this organic return of love and trust between the two of you. But start giving the gift you're wanting to receive. Which is the gift of seeing. I see because I— and if your partner is someone who's mature enough to notice what you're doing, they're going to want to meet you there because they love you. Do your own I see, I feel practice in the mirror and strengthen your seer and feeler to make sure it's really speaking with love to you, and then you bring that gift to your partner.
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