Many partners shut down when given direct commands, especially those who grow through praise rather than challenge. Start with "I see" statements acknowledging their contributions, then use softened "I want" phrasing instead of demands. Watch their body language to know if it's working.
Alpha grows from challenge. Omega grows through praise. Alpha grows through challenge. Oh man, I'm feeling weak. All right, get to the gym, get your ass kicked. Oh man, I'm afraid of water. Okay, go dive into the, you know, 20-foot end of the pool. That's alpha. I got work to do, I gotta sharpen up. So boom, it sharpens you and you're like, this feels good. And we don't know that we then turn that on our intimate partner And it feels offensive to Omega because the way Omega grows is like a flower. Omega grows by the next natural step, one petal opening at a time. What you see for her is not wrong, and what you're wanting from her is not wrong. How you make it manifest in her— your strategy is wrong right now because rather than leading her skillfully, you're telling her which is not a form of leading, or at least it's a paltry form of leading. So she feels the hurt of that. When she looks at you, she won't be able to help herself, but she's going to feel the eyes of judgment looking at her through your eyes. So now you've planted that seed, and it's going to be in the space for you. So there's going to need to be some healing, some kind of repair where she can trust your lead again, because the way that you currently tried to lead her backfired. And rather than opening her into what you want to open her to, you kind of snap snapped her shut. You go, "Oh, I want to create this opening in my partner, so I'm going to say, 'Hey, you need to da da da da da.'" And even though you might be absolutely correct, you don't manifest the quality of opening in your partner. You snap them shut. So that's why I always say it's like what you see for her is coming from a loving place. I don't think it's unloved, but your strategy backfired, and what you brought was actually the opposite thing of what was needed. What I would really recommend at this point is an IC practice, and you don't have to sit down formally with her., but you can just share with her what you see. I see how much that you bring to this relationship. I see the way that you love me. I see the way you care for yourself. I see the woman that I'm so deeply attracted to, and I just want to care for in every way possible. And I see that I hurt you earlier today by what I said. I see that was unskillful, and I want you to know I'm not going anywhere. So can you hear this quality of seeing that I'm describing? Now, you might do that very well and she's very receptive and you can heal it tonight. Or there might be a little ouch that just needs a day or two or even a week to kind of brush over before she can really trust you again, to feel that you're speaking without agenda and you're speaking from authentic love. But that will be the next piece. And then I want you to begin exploring opening her using I see. And when you say something like, I want Say an "I want" to her such that it softens her and disarms her rather than mobilizes her and shuts her. "I want you to start practicing more." "I want you to move like this." "I want you to start wearing these outfits." All of those can get a snap. But to say, "I want you to know that I've got you and I'm here for all of it, whatever color, shape, flavor you're in. I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere." Now that's an "I want" spoken from authenticity. Now, if you say that to her, what's going to happen in her body? If she really believes you and feels it when you say it, she's going to go, "Ah." And there's the softening you were looking for. There's immediately that quality you were wanting to kind of feel and taste through her. So this is how you learn to use your practice to speak powerfully with your words that actually create the effect you want to have on your intimate partner. Your intention is pure, but now you must develop skill in your strategy to manifest that quality in your partner. Start with "I see" and start with some of the "I wants" that demand nothing of her, and watch what happens to her body. Actually begin to observe just by speaking and relating to those ways. Is she bringing those qualities more so that you wished she would get from practicing on her own? And if you do it well, the answer will be yes, that you are her practice.
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