A man should stay present when his partner expresses intense emotion, asking open questions to uncover what's underneath the anger. By guiding her to distinguish present feelings from past wounds, he builds trust and transforms conflict into deeper intimacy.
What happens is we come face to face with this emotionally expressive creature and we want to solve it. We want to fix it. We want to suppress it. We want to reject it. We want to make it cool, calm, collected, and functional. Right. Anytime we're doing this with her, we're molding her and she's becoming less and less of that thing that delights us. And she can't help it. She can't control it. So the question becomes, how do you show up to get a full woman? And also one that just doesn't spew reactive venom at you all of the time, because that's not appropriate. That's not it. So what it ultimately looks like is the process of when you feel something's up, when something's in the space, your job is to excavate her heart to get to the truth, get to the wisdom inside of what she's trying to show or explain. And this can look a number of ways. You could say something as simple as you just walk in the room and you know that feeling when you feel her, she's just kind of in the mood, but she hasn't said it yet. How many of you know that experience? It's just kind of simmering, like the fucking ground is shaking, but no words have been exchanged. You just walked in. Yeah, you don't let those moments slide anymore. That's an invitation, and your clarity of consciousness feels there's something up, and her sensitivity feels there's something up. And you say, "Hey babe, I could feel something's going on with you. What is it?" And maybe she goes, "I'm fine, it's nothing." Or maybe she goes, "I don't know, whatever, do your thing, whatever." Some dismissive something. You don't take that as a way out. You go back in deeper and you go, "No, there's something here." Show me, tell me, what is it? And that invitation you're drilling into her, you're literally intimately fucking her emotionally in that moment. You're showing her, I'm not gonna leave, I'm not afraid of what it is. What is it? And then she says, well, you know, when you walked outside and you did XYZ and you didn't, you didn't put the rake away "it really made me mad," you know, something insignificant. And you're just like, is that really it? It's about the rake? She's like, "Yeah, you know, you blah blah blah blah blah." And then you still don't settle for that because it's not the fucking rake and you know it. So you go, "I can understand why you're upset about that, but it doesn't justify the way you're feeling." Right now, what you're showing me, there's something else. What is it? And when you continue this process of offering presence and excavating into her heart, you can eventually get to the fucking truth. And you know you've gotten there because 99 out of 100 times, she's going to start to tear up or cry. There's going to be a bursting open of her, and she's going to become available to you, vulnerable to you in a really special way. That's what it looks like all the time. And then when that starts to show itself, you just offer that presence, you offer that breath, you breathe with her, and then suddenly you have your fucking woman back. You have your woman back. Now sometimes this process might escalate before it resolves. She might get angrier and angrier and angrier because been building something up. That's okay. It can look like that too. What I'm telling you is, if you stand for the clarity of truth and you don't settle for the nonsense, the bullshit, what starts to happen between the two of you is she starts to understand when she feels something what's true and what's historical bullshit. One of the men checked in and said I don't like that she doesn't know if what she's doing is in the present moment and informed by now or some shit from her past. What I'm suggesting is that's not her job. You train her to become aware of that in the way that you reflect to her what's going on. And over time, when two people do this for each other, she will start to learn when that movement inside of her is inspired by a deeper wisdom or when it's just fucking rubbish. But that's a gift she can't give herself. She can't go work on expressing her emotions perfectly and come to you and just give them to you perfectly. That's not how this works. She has to express to learn how to make her emotions perfect. But you have to sculpt her emotions as they come out. You refine her emotions for her. And you don't do it by suppressing them, rejecting them, criticizing them. You say, yes. No, that's not it. What else is it? No, that's not it. What else? No, that's not— that's it. That's what you're feeling. Oh, that's no big deal. Get over it. That's usually what it adds up to in the end. It's usually no fucking big deal for you. For you. And that's what's amazing about it, is she feels your strength in that. So I wanted to set this practice for tonight because I can imagine a lot of you guys go through this. Every man does. Some of you have been practicing what to do with it. Some of you may have never heard of any type of practice around this ever before, and that's okay. But this is particularly for those of you who've heard about this and are practicing. Because I want to remind you, this has never been about just letting someone spew garbage at you unintelligently, irresponsibly, immaturely. That's not a gift for her or you. That's just reactivity, like a blister, like a live wire of reactivity. It doesn't serve. But when two partners are committed to finding the truth, the deeper wisdom within that's available within her sensitivity, you start to awaken something within her that becomes revelatory, something you make love to when you enter the bedroom with her, something she starts to trust you more than anyone she's ever trusted before because she feels your ability to do this for her. She cultivates her fullness, her maturity, and you begin to worship this part in her that you do not possess. And then your relationship, your bond becomes something worthy of calling sacred. And this is how that's done. It's just your commitment for the truth and everything she shows, and your willingness to see that there is truth in everything she shows you.
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