Stop Cock-Blocking Your Growth by People Pleasing

Hello, my love, and welcome to Seen, the podcast that helps you to stop hiding, claim your worth, and build the most vibrant version of your life possible. Thank you so much for being here today. What I want to talk to you about is something that I see way too often, especially amongst female entrepreneurs that say they want to grow, but I have got to ask you to stop cockblocking your own growth by people pleasing. Now, you might think that people pleasing is harmless, like it sounds a bit harmless. What's the harm in just pleasing people and making people happy? What could be so wrong with that? But I have got to tell you that you are damaging your own business and your own growth by having this tendency. So I want you to think about it, like when you're people pleasing, You are overgiving. That is the nature of people-pleasing. You're looking at what everyone else needs, you're making sure that you're giving to them, you're prioritizing their needs over yours, and that, my friend, breeds resentment. Might not happen right away, might take a little bit of time, but that will start to build resentment. And then what happens is that you start resenting your business, you start feeling overwhelmed, you start feeling burnt out because you just feel like you don't even have control over time anymore. You're kind of at the mercy of everyone else. And so if you are telling yourself and telling people that, I want to grow my business, I want to bring in more clients, I want to expand, and yet energetically you are closed for business, then it is not going to work. Because if you energetically are feeling like, yeah, I want to grow my business, but actually there's a subconscious part of you that is equating more money, more problems, more clients, more headaches, you you're equating actually having the growth and having that momentum with you becoming even more burnt out. More clients equals even more people to have to please. Well, then you are energetically closed for business because consciously you might be saying one thing like, I want to grow, but subconsciously you are actually detracting these people because your subconscious is wired to try and keep you safe. And if you don't feel safe by bringing in more clients into your world because you bend bend over backwards for everyone that you do, then there's a discrepancy. There's a misalignment. And so what was really important for me to look at, because I am the queen of people pleasing, I've literally done this my whole life, it's something I've really had to work on, so you are not alone. And what I've really had to do is go back and look at where did this start? Where did I start to pick up the beliefs that I have to bend over backwards Essentially for love, right? For acceptance, for validation. Like, when you dig a bit deeper, like, that's what it all means. Like, you're equating your worth to other people validating you, other people approving of you, other people liking you, other people being pleased by you. And so I had to dig deep and really go back to some childhood stuff to look at, okay, where in my life did I, you know, have to please and kind of get my worth from being a good girl and helping and, you You know, doing all these things, making other people happy, looking outside of myself to make sure everyone else was happy. And so at one point, I went to something called the Hoffman Process, which was really powerful for me. So the Hoffman Process is this— well, they call it a retreat, but it is not a retreat, believe me. It's like 7 days of intense therapy. You don't have a phone, you don't have a laptop. It's not for the faint of heart, but it was really transformational for me. And it got you to go back over your history, over your childhood, over your patterns, and really look at where do they come from. Do they come from your mom, from your dad, and was it something that you're modeling from them or something that you're doing in rebellion to something that they did, essentially? And so it's not about blame, it's just about really understanding like where did you first learn this, where did you pick up these patterns, right? And so one of the patterns that I was working with and that I noticed that I had was this concept of grandiose responsibility. And what that meant for me was that I was taking taking on responsibility for things that quite frankly were not within my control. And don't get me wrong, I am a big believer of like taking responsibility for yourself, self-responsibility. I live with the belief that everything is my responsibility because that's an empowering belief for me because I can then change it if I don't like it. But what grandiose responsibility is, was when you're also taking, you know, responsibility for things that are completely outside of your control. And you're also not taking responsibility for yourself, right? Because when you're trying to walk on eggshells and make sure everyone else is happy and everyone is pleased, what you're doing is you're actually abandoning yourself. So that's not really self-responsibility, right? Because you're abandoning yourself. Grandiose responsibility is like taking responsibility for everything else at the expense of yourself. And so what I noticed was that in general, growing up and throughout most of my adult life, I would say, I was much more in tune with the external world and how other people were feeling or how I perceived other people to be feeling around me. And then I would make it my job to manage their feelings and to manage, you know, the circumstances to ensure that they were feeling regulated and they were feeling okay, which, as you can imagine, is exhausting, absolutely exhausting. And I think a lot of us do this to some degree or another, like, some more than others, but I actually realized that I wasn't actually very in tune at all with my own inner world. And so that's been such work for me to really connect into how do I feel and have as much respect for myself and making, pleasing myself essentially as I did for pleasing everyone else around me. And I always say that business is like your biggest spiritual teacher and your biggest method of personal development because definitely with my first business, like my agency, I, I feel like I played out all of my childhood traumas throughout that, like, business, you know, in one way or another. Like, the people pleasing, the overworking, you know, just the chaos. And it was really something I had to work through. Like, all of that I had to work through. And I mean, it was an amazing experience to be able to work through that in your business. But the people pleasing was a big thing, and there's so much to say on this, but What I noticed was that I would be bending over backwards for clients, and you might relate if you're listening to this. So a client might come in and you might be custom quoting every single job. You know, you might really resist having a scalable offer because God forbid that sounds easier on you, you know, and so you're like, how can I make this harder so they can really see how much effort and stress I'm putting into this so they really see my worth, right? And I see this with clients a lot. They kind of resist. They think like, oh well, this is what I'm charging, but to do that I'm doing 5 hours here, I'm meeting them here. I'm doing this. I'm doing this. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't need to justify anything to me. And also, you don't need to even like, you know, match your worth like that, because what people care about is the outcome. They want the results. They don't care how many hours you're putting in. And so it's about us changing our belief that we have to bend over backwards and kill ourselves in order for people to see our worth and to know that we're really doing a great job and to actually, you know, give us credit. And that really shows up with how we are being seen, how we are perceiving the world, how we are growing. Because if all of this is happening inside, we obviously don't want to bring on even more of that chaos into our life, and so we're stunting our growth. And so now the question becomes not just how can I please this other person, but how can I not abandon myself in the process? And so An example of this, like, through my agency life would be, and this is probably very relatable to anyone listening that might have a business or a service-based business, where, you know, clients are asking for things that are not necessarily within the scope of the work that you're doing. Scope creep, essentially. And you are saying to yourself, "Oh, well, look, it's just a small thing, like, I might as well just do it. There's no point making a thing about it. Oh, they just want this little change, like, let's just do it for them." Right? Seems harmless on surface value, but that is actually, like, when you start to compound that, and if you're doing all of these little ad hoc things and all these customizations for all these different people, that starts to add up and you start to really shoot yourself in the foot. Because not only is it adding complexity to something that maybe doesn't even need to be that complex, it's having a knock-on effect to your team. Now your team has more work they need to do. Now they might be starting to get resentful, or maybe you don't have a team, but as you go to grow your team, it's harder to find a specialist to bring into your team because now you're offering everything under the sun, and you're like, how do I find someone that's willing to do the same crazy shit that I'm willing to do? Because most people aren't if they're not the business owner. So it's very short-sighted, and also it's eating into your profit margins. It's just another tab open in your brain. So don't fool yourself that it's just a little thing, because it's not just a little thing. And all of this really does add up. And so a great alternative to that is to really look at the work that you're doing for people and ask yourself, how can I approach this situation if I was to also honor myself? And so a process that I would use is looking at, okay, how do I feel in this moment? Like, what is this bringing up in me that I need to people-please? Like, am I feeling anxious? What's beneath the anxiety? Am I anxious that they're not gonna like me anymore, that I'm not gonna be worthy, that I'm not gonna be good enough if I don't do a good enough job? Like, really dig deep into why these feelings are coming up for you and what the need is beneath that. And then you can start asking yourself, okay, if I was a healthy adult, if I was my healthy adult version of myself, how would I approach this situation? Is there a win-win here where I can also look after myself. And that could be the simplest thing, like coming back to the client who's asked for extra changes that weren't included and just saying, absolutely, no problem. As per our contract, you get 3 changes. However, if you'd like something additional, that's no problem, it's $99 per change, you know. And oftentimes people will just say, oh, actually, don't worry about it, or they'll go for the change, but at least you're getting the extra profit for it. But either way, it models that behavior to them, and they know their boundaries, and they know your boundaries, and what what they can and cannot do. Because the other thing you need to remember is that you teach people how to treat you. And if you're allowing things once, you better believe they're gonna be asking for more and more and more and more, and very soon it starts to get out of hand. So you really need to nip things like this in the bud and really showcase your boundaries. And the thing about boundaries as well is that boundaries are what's best for everyone involved. Boundaries are best for your client as well, because we don't want to enable people. And I see this a lot with, like, say, coaching or consulting. And, you know, you're really bending over backwards and almost, like, doing things for people that they should be doing themselves. And that is robbing them of their lesson. If you think about it, like, they need to have that lesson. They need to have that learning. They're working with you to become a better version of themselves, in the case of coaching. And so if you're robbing that experience from them, you're actually doing them a disservice. And so sometimes it creeps into enabling, and we definitely don't want that because then all the boundaries get blurred and it's a very stressful place to be. So it's so important to really model those healthy boundaries. And an example of this as well, because this is something that even to this day does start to, you know, creep up for me in different ways, especially as I grow and expand my business. And I have to now remember, and something that's been really eye-opening for me, is that not only am I looking after myself and am I putting in boundaries for myself and for the client in question, I am also modeling healthy boundaries to my clients. Because when they see me, what I do, you know, if you're their coach or you're someone that they look up to, that they're learning from, They will model other things that you're doing. It's not just what you're teaching them. They will model the way that you approach your business, the way that you approach feedback, the way that you respond to people. And so, do you really want your clients to learn that behavior from you? To learn they're not worthy, they're not good enough, to just do things for them as well? I want to model to my clients it is okay to have healthy boundaries and to still give someone an exceptional service get them exceptional results while containing those healthy boundaries and allowing that person to have the learning and have the experience. And an example that came up with this for me recently was, I now, you know, I don't really use email that much at all. With my programs, we've got our own dedicated space. I don't really look at email. I've got an auto email responder set up stating that. And I had someone email me asking a question. Maybe like 12, 18, like under a day had gone back, had gone on, and they emailed again saying, hey, can you get back to me on this? And I felt really triggered, and I was just, I felt really triggered, and I was like, why do I feel so triggered in this moment? And it came back to the need that I have for space, for freedom, for flow, for choosing to do what I wanna do and not feeling like I'm forced to respond in someone else's timeline. And so I had to just really get clear on that for myself and understand, okay, that's what's happening for me and that's really important for me. I have a need to have space in my business, to have freedom and flexibility in my business, and if I don't have that need, I'm gonna start getting resentful if I don't have that need met. And so that helped me get really clear that this wasn't, you know, just something that I should be like, oh sorry, here's the answer, whatever. It was a great opportunity to respond and just say, "Hey, I'm, you know, so excited to get back to you on that. Just a reminder, these are the hours I get back to emails on. I'm gonna be sitting down at my computer later today. I wanna put a little bit of thought into this, so I'll get back to you with a detailed response later." And that way, I still, you know, I'm not feeling like, "Oh, I'm letting someone hanging," or I'm not responding, or they're, you know, unclear as to what's going on. Because also, that's something you don't wanna do, just like get resentful and you're like, "Fuck that guy, you know, I'm not getting back to them," 'cause that's also not the answer. It's about, you know, setting that healthy boundary, setting that healthy expectation, and then, you know, you're okay with doing that. You can just get back to them in your own time. You can do things the way you wanna do, and you can still be kind and polite and help people and be of value. Like, the two are not mutually exclusive. And so, that was something that I even experienced myself just recently. So, it does creep up. It does creep up to the best of us, and it's an ongoing process. And yeah, it's just something to really think about if you are someone that has been saying, I want to grow my business this year. Why isn't it happening for me? I'm, I'm doing this strategy. I've got all the funnels. I'm on my social media. I'm posting. Why? I'm doing my visualizations. I'm manifesting. Why isn't it happening? I would encourage you to like look at some of these things, these undercurrents in your life, and look at how are you feeling day to day. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you feeling pressure? Like, you know, pressure from your clients, pressure that you have to be always on, you can't miss a deadline, like if you stop the business stops. Because if you're feeling all of that, chances are you are subconsciously blocking clients, blocking growth. And so it's about coming back to what healthy boundaries do I need to establish? Am I people pleasing in certain areas of my life? Could that be something that's making me resistant to growing my business because it's gonna feel like too much pressure and too much overwhelm? And a lot of this comes back to the business model as well, and I won't go into that in this episode. I will do another dedicated episode around designing a business model and designing an offer that, that what I call a win-win offer, where it's a win for you and a win for the client because they get the incredible results, but you can do it in a way that works for your life. And especially as moms, like, we've got kids. If we're with our kids, we can't be stressing that, you know, clients are hounding us and feeling like we have to get back to them. That is an awful place to be because then you can't even be present with your kids. You're feeling stressed and pressure. You're always on. And so I will definitely cover this in so much more detail in upcoming episodes because I want you to love your business. And I'm here to tell you that it can be so much simpler. You can create a business that is designed for your life and still have amazing impact, have amazing results. So that is possible. But the The first step is just having that awareness and having that clarity and being really honest with yourself. Take out a journal, really think about it. Like, what areas are you saying yes when you mean no? What areas are you doing things but you're doing them begrudgingly or because you feel like you have to when deep down you know that's not actually something that you want to be doing, but you're just too scared to speak up? And the first thing that we can do is have that awareness. And the second thing we can do is look at where does that come from? Why do I feel like that? And then lastly, it's about unpacking what would be an alternative? What would be another way that I could approach this where I'm not abandoning myself, where I'm not in the process of pleasing someone else, I'm not displeasing myself? Because it is your life, you're the one that makes the the rules, and you have the power to create your business and create your life whatever way you choose. And so I really hope you have enjoyed this episode. I wanted to keep it really short, actionable, and really just give you an action item to take away and start thinking about some of this for yourself, because it has been game-changing in my own business. And if you enjoyed this, I would absolutely love to hear from you. I'm on Instagram @Kady_O Connell. Send me a DM, send me a voice note, let me know your takeaway. Let's riff on this together. And thank you so much for being here. I'm so excited to continue going on this journey with you and diving into some more episodes.