Comparison Shame and Paralysis | Ep #38

Hey, everyone. I'm Chris Plackey, and this is how to Lead for Female Entrepreneurs and Founders. Because the best way to grow a business is to grow the person who's running it. Let's go ahead and get started.

Hello. Hello. Welcome to the podcast. How are you today? So today I want to talk with you about.

I think, a pretty important topic that I coach a lot of my clients on and I coach myself on, frankly, and that's on this whole gig that we all fall into around comparison. If you're an entrepreneur, I know that you know who other people are who do what you do, and that's good. We should know who our competitors are. We should know, you know, what's happening in our market. We should understand our businesses from a business perspective. But what we have to be really careful of is how we use that information to help us or injure us. And so, specifically on this podcast today, I want to talk with you about comparison, shame, and then ultimately paralysis. Because what I watch happen to people is looking at other people who are doing similar work in your space.

And then using other people's success.

Perceived success, by the way, and feeling terrible about yourself, and so then feeling shame, which then triggers this really interesting behavior of paralysis, non. No action, which then stimulates further shame. Right? We keep ourselves in this negative spin cycle of negative thinking about ourselves, negative feeling about ourselves, and then ultimately not taking progressive action. So first, let's just talk about comparison. Okay, So I know that we like to blame social media for comparison problems in the world today. And I certainly don't disagree that you have a lot more opportunity now, we all do, to do comparisons, right? To look at everybody and what they're doing. But the truth is, this is really a human behavior. I mean, the word exists. So obviously the word existed before social media. So comparison has been something that's happened for forever. Keep up with the Joneses is another old term that we used to say, right? Like, what kind of car does everybody have in their driveway? What kind of house does everybody have? How many kids do you have? What are your kids doing? You know, where is your kid going to college? I mean, it's just ridiculous. So we can all get caught up in the game of comparison in different parts of our lives. And that is not new, all right? And I think you could probably identify with this just outside of being a business owner. There are just some people who really are very oriented towards what's happening outside of them. It's a very external journey. And so there's always this looking at what other people are up to and using that as their measuring stick for their own success. And I can always kind of catch on to people when they're, you know, they look at someone else's success and it's motivating to them and inspiring, like, oh, that's pretty cool. I didn't know that was possible. I'm going to give that a shot versus, oh, what is, oh, I can't do that, Or. Or envy, which is, I think, the worst of all. When we get into this comparison mode, envy feels, you know, icky and jealous and. And it puts you into a negative mindset about someone else's success.

Now, when we compare ourselves to where other people are, first of all, you just have to notice what happens to you if there's somebody else who has a similar business to you and they're doing really well financially. Why do you make that mean anything about you? First of all, like, what does that have to do with you? They're in another city, they're in another country. Who knows? Right. Why do you take other people's outcomes.

And translate that into who you are? Like, really think about that.

The two of you have. That would be like, you know, that's like when we compare hair or we compare eye color. Like, the people are their own people. Right. And when I used to work in my very big company thing and I had a corporate job and we had to train people, you know, of course there were always top performers, and people wanted to be just like the top performer. And it used to kind of drive me nuts, because what you could watch is, you know, we certainly had, like, formulas. And I think we all would say we all have formulas that we know people in our industry follow to get success. But the formula is just steps on paper. Yeah. So the same thing was true in this company that I worked for. We knew the steps. These are the steps you have to follow to be successful. But it, you know, if that were. If it were that easy, then the mechanics of the steps would just leave to lead to success. But it isn't, because there's this other part in achievement of outcomes, and that's your brain and your mindset. And so I used to tell people when they wanted to learn from top performers, don't just look at what they do. That's just their action.

Ask them why they do it. Find out their brain, their thoughts, what are they thinking about? That's, to me, what's insightful right now. What I think is interesting is I could talk to somebody who does very Similar work to what I do. And they may have the same or. Or even better results. But then when I ask them why.

They think they're successful, what do they think about? Every day, I may hear thoughts that I would never want to think that I may not find that are resonant for me. Like, I don't want to think that about my client. I don't want to think that about my business, and I get to choose that. So you can't just measure your outcomes against other people's outcomes and think, oh, I should have that, because there's so much else that goes into a result. A result is just a symptom. It's like having a fever, right? A fever is just a symptom of something else happening in the body. So if you were to go into the doctor's office and you have a fever, you know, a stupid doctor would say, oh, you gotta get that down. Work on that. Right? Which to me is kind of what we say to ourselves, oh, you're not making enough money. Work on that. Oh, you don't have enough clients. Work on that. Oh, you're not producing enough product. Work on that.

The result is just a symptom of what goes into it. And what goes into a result, in the case of what we're talking about is the way that you think about your work. It's your mindset and it's your skill set. It's how you do your work.

Okay? So to just compare yourself with some joker on the Internet or someone you met at a conference, or even people you learn from.

That'S too simplistic. You cannot just look at somebody's outcome and think, I should have that because I'm doing the same thing as them. Absolutely not. And B.

Who says.

Why do we feel like we're entitled to the same level of success? Like, I want you to really question what you put in your brain. Now, I believe when you see someone who is a teacher, someone who you can learn from, and you feel motivated, that's awesome. That tells me that you have thoughts like, ooh, that's really interesting. I could figure that out. I. I want to learn how to do that. That person makes me believe in something I never believed in before. Right. Versus when you look at someone else's success and you think, I'm a loser. I should have that. I shouldn't have to work this hard. It shouldn't be this hard for me. I'm never going to have that. They're better than me. I look stupid. Other people know I don't know what I'm doing. Other people are going to find out I don't know what I'm doing. Any of this resonating, right? And then what ends up happening is you shut down.

There is no value to you in watching what other people do if you cannot make that a constructive, positive experience for yourself. And in fact, I would take that even a next level. If you are legitimately suffering because you are watching other people around you doing better than you and whatever that means, you've got to stop. You have to stop watching other people and get about the business of paying attention to yourself.

Other people achieve what they achieve for their own reasons.

You're watching them and you're watching their action line and their result line, but you are not in their brain understanding their reason.

You will achieve what you achieve based on your reason. So you have to be really attentive to and thoughtful about what it is that you want.

Now, if you need to learn how to do something, learn it.

Study it, practice it, fail at it, fail again.

Fail again.

It's a pattern here, right? It's okay. But to watch other people and then internalize thoughts of failure and lack and scarcity and perpetuate a feeling of shame.

Is so unuseful, but it's also damaging. Now, I think a lot of us don't know we do this.

I've talked to a lot of clients over the last year who think that what they're doing is helpful. Like, oh, I look at what my competitor's doing every day, I look at their website, I look at the classes they teach, I look at the money that they're generating, I look at the places that they advertise, I look at their verbiage and did you know, I think they actually take some of the things I say, right? Like we get very paranoid about.

What they have and what I don't have. And that is coming out of inherent belief and belief system around scarcity that. So the only reason I would have to compare my success to your success success in this case is if I believed there was only a finite amount of something, money, clients, resources. And so if I believe that you're doing better than me, then you're taking away from me, right? I had somebody, I remember years ago who wanted to learn how to be a leadership coach. And I said, I think that's amazing. You should totally be that. And she said, yeah, but you're already doing that. So.

I'm like, that's okay. There's lots of other leadership coaches. There's plenty of clients. But if you think that there's not enough, you can see how that would limit your ability to thrive.

The other one is, you know, when you have a cluster of people that all do similar work as you, this is a slippery slope, right? You love to be with them because you share common interests, you share common approach, you might even share common goals.

But they are far outperforming you.

And so you have to really look at, okay, what am I making that mean? And if I'm internalizing their success against myself, I'm. That is not helpful. I want to be, I want to be thrilled for other people's success.

And I don't want to use other people's success against myself. That just puts me in a shame cycle. And when I get into shame, I shut down.

And I hurt my own business. Right. And I know that all of us can relate to this on some level. I just think that some, some of us can get stuck here because, you know, it's, it's, it's like we think we're telling the truth when we start talking about people who are doing better than we are because we might actually have, like, actual evidence. Oh, well, they, they're making more money or they have more clients or they have a bigger presence or they have more followers because heavens, right. They have all that. That. And so we think, well, I'm just reporting the news. Yeah, they do make more money, so they are better than me. I don't know that that's true. Maybe they have their business model more figured out than you do. Maybe they charge a different rate than you do. Maybe they prioritize their workday differently than you do. So you have to be clear about what you want in your life. I've certainly met lots of people who make a heck of a lot more money than I do. And in some cases, I've learned a lot from them. Like, oh, this is interesting. I love how they manage their time. I think that's something to learn from. But in other ways. They don't have lives that I would want, and they don't do things with their time that I would do.

But I don't think that means I can't be successful.

So you've got to watch your brain here because, you know, I know we've talked about this so many times, but as a woman who runs a business, you're the instrument here, right? You are the tuning fork. You are, you are the compass.

And if you are harboring a lot of thoughts around the success of others and Using that against yourself, it's going to translate into the results that you're getting in your business.

We have to have a real balance between understanding our market, understanding our client, knowing what potential we have, reinvesting, failing, trying, and being really clear about who we want to be and what we want to achieve. But as soon as we put that compass outside of ourselves and we pin it on some guy who you don't hardly even know, but they have a similar business to you, and you use that guy's success against yourself.

You'Re behind. You're already losing.

Because you're not. You're not in the same. You're not in a race.

Right? They say that comparison is the thief of joy.

It's a really interesting.

What is that colloquialism? It's a really interesting statement. Comparison is the thief of joy. So as I sit and compare myself to others.

I am not able to indulge in and relish in what I've achieved. So if this is you, and you're finding yourself spinning, which is where I know I've met a lot of my clients, are just completely overwhelmed by where they should be in comparison to their peers versus where they are, if that's you.

I want you to just take a minute, and I want you to give yourself some personal insight. And let's not even compare ourselves today from where we used to be. But let's look at what are some things now that you do that you've never done before?

What are the. The biggest successes you've had for this year?

What do you love about your life?

What are you most proud of? What kind of life do you want to be living for yourself?

What are your current priorities?

What do you want to give your attention to?

What are you willing to change right now to be able to do more of that?

If you say that you want more revenue.

What are you willing to do to get it? If you say that you want more clients, what are you doing to get them? What are you willing to do to get them? If you say you want more employees, what are you willing to do to hire them? If you say you want more time off.

What are you willing to do to make that happen? You just you. You and your pen and your journal and your brain, not you. And you're searching on the Internet and looking what everybody else is doing. And of course, what they're posting on Instagram, it's all, you know, hoopy. It's all part of a social media calendar. So keep that in mind. They've built what they wanted. They've designed what they wanted from their own brain. Are you building what you want? Or have you spent so much time focusing on what everybody else has that you don't even know what that is anymore?

You know, when I take my retreaters to Hawaii every year, one of my favorite questions, I've asked it for seven years, is, what do you really, really, really want? You.

What do you want? Screw the rest of everybody else. What? I don't care what they're doing. What do you want? You started this business for a reason.

Get in touch with that. You have your own beautiful compass and wisdom.

Pay attention to it. Listen to it. Honor it.

Find people you can learn from that. When you learn and when you listen to them, you are inspired. You are motivated. You don't kick off the shame cycle of wretchedness that perpetuates lack of action and paralysis. And if right now you're feeling particularly vulnerable because you are paying a lot of attention to everybody else, turn it off.

Just go in. You're so brilliant. You know everything you need to know. And then if you have to learn how to do something better, you can learn.

Your inspiration. Your success does not lie in others.

It is yours. And at the heart of this, this is leaders.

The person you must lead first is you.

But if you're busy trying to get that from everywhere else, you're aimless, right? You don't have a clear direction and your compass is just spinning. So take some time today and invest in this. I want so much for you to stop comparing and start really savoring and enjoying your your own journey. Find pride in what you do.

Focus on your achievements.

And then I think you can have such a different relationship with other people's success.

Thanks for tuning in.

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Sam.