Confronting Difficult People: The Leadership Skill You Need to Master

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Welcome to this week of Leadership is Feminine. Couple of housekeeping. First things first. I have been weekly now launching private episodes focused on being a well resourced woman. And I would love to invite you. It's free. It's just a complimentary podcast that I'm doing. Probably end up being six or seven episodes. The first two have dropped so far. All you have to do is go to the visionary CEO Asage Woman and we will give you the private feed for the podcast. And why am I doing this? Well, I have really found, you know, I've worked with so many women for a while now and the more women become well resourced, meaning they have the tools, they have the support, they have the expertise, either themselves or in their life. They have the confidence and the competence and the courage in these different areas of their lives. When it comes to their money, when it comes to their energy, when it comes to their time, when it comes to their personal agency, when it comes to self trust and when it comes to really like self care and love and honoring joy, that is when we really step into what I find to be sort of that sage version of yourself. And I want to continue to have this conversation with you because leadership to me is part of that well resourced pillar, the pillars. When you can lead well, when you can lead with confidence, when you can lead without second guessing you, you step into a level of who you are that you probably haven't been before. And so when I went to my writer's retreat in January, this is a concept that I was really working on and it's one that I'm continuing to work on because my goal is my vision for my business is to prove the power of one thriving woman. And when you decide to no longer tolerate your own BS and you step into full responsibility for your energy and your time and your money and your agency and your leadership and your joy. It's magic. And so I just wanted to make this private podcast as a place for you to go and get that extra. So I just want to invite you to opt in for that. Listen to it, let me know what you think. I always love your feedback. So yes, that's out there. The second thing I want you to know is that I decided to do a series of live courses. I don't normally do this probably I don't know if I'll do it again, but I'm doing it. And so you can take one course or you can take all four, but the first one is actually this Friday. It will have already hit by the Time you listen to this. It's on March 28th, and the whole series is called Be Better. I'm tired of us all trying to feel like we need to be perfect at things. We need to be like experts at everything. You don't have to be experts at everything. We just have to be better. And so the first one is this Friday, and it's focused on being a better leader, building a better team. Then I'm doing one on being better at hiring, I'm doing one on being better at accountability, and I'm doing one on being better at dealing with difficult people and conversations. They're $137 if you pay for them individually. And if you want to get all four, you can do that as well, although that's for a limited time. And these are live. These are me live. I will for sure be able to take questions from the people on the call or, excuse me, on the class. And you will get the replay if you purchase that. So you can just get that information at the visionary CEO Be Better. And that's where all the details are there. So I just want to invite you to check those out because I don't do these kinds of things very often. I'd love to see you on a. On a live call. Live course, I should say. And so that sort of brings me to what I want to talk to you about today. I led My Sage Pathway 2 day virtual experience that we just did last Thursday, Friday, it was two full days, six hours each day. I didn't know what to expect about that. It wasn't sure if that was going to be, like, intense and hard and overwhelming or if people would like it or if they would have a hard time paying attention. Turns out it was fantastic. And the women who were there all really loved it, all found that it was a wonderful way to focus on themselves, focus on their business, focus on some of the things they've been wanting to really think about and to just give themselves that time, tell their team that they're busy and have a guided experience with me and a small group of women who are also leading highly successful businesses was just super valuable. But on the heels of that, as I was talking to them, I said, you know, one of the things when I really think about my life's work and what I have spent so much of my time doing, it's been really to help my clients navigate what they find to be the most difficult about the unique circumstances that they've created in their lives by being both women and business owners. And so, you know, not all difficult is equal. Everybody encounters things that they find to be really hard to negotiate that aren't necessarily hard for other people. There are some things that seem to be universally hard for everyone. And then there are some things that I know were once hard that are no longer hard. And I'm sure you could make that list for yourself of things that you once used to dread, you once used to find that you couldn't handle, that were really, really angsty for you created a lot of anxiety, a lot of apprehension, a lot of avoidance that now you do without even thinking about it. And so what I have found and what I think is true is that most of our next level success, next level opportunity, next level joy, next level freedom, all of the sort of next things we want in our lives that we haven't yet found a way to get to sit behind what's difficult. And I am at a point in my life that that's not good enough anymore for me to avoid something because it's difficult. I don't want to put up with that anymore for myself. I don't want to get 20 years from now in my life and look at something I didn't do or I didn't achieve or I didn't go for, or I stopped because it was hard. I don't want to. I don't want that. I don't want that for myself. You know, I've led a lovely life. And I think when we have had a relatively lovely life, we like things to feel lovely. We don't want to have to have to deal with people who disagree with us or who see things another way or who push back or who have weird quirky behaviors or who interrupt us or who bore us or who talk too much or who, you know, it just go on and on and on and on and on, right? Who, who are negative at work, who gossip at work, who wear weird clothes that I have to talk to them about because they can't dress like that at work, who yell at each other, who gossip with each other, who. Right, just insert here your version of what's difficult. Are you actually not advancing the mission of your vision for your business and the mission, purpose and the promise of your life because you don't want to deal with something that's hard. And is that acceptable to you? Now, you could be listening to this and be like, yeah, but you don't understand. Like this and this and it's not fair. And I shouldn't have to deal with this and this and then and I didn't ask for it. I, I get it. Listen, I get it. And yet, right, like, okay, you don't want to deal with it, but do you want what's on the other side? Are you willing to risk it? I was listening to Rebecca Campbell, Rise, sister, rise this morning. She's one of my favorite authors and she was talking about resistance. And anyway, it was really interesting. And what I wrote, sort of after listening to her, was that you resist what you haven't accepted. And this is what I find that most of my clients are sort of bang into. It's like, it shouldn't be this way. Okay, he shouldn't have said that. Huh? This shouldn't have happened, right? She shouldn't have made that mistake. Uh huh. She should have talked to me first. Yes, all of that could be true, but that's not what happened. So for as long as you put a should in something, this or shouldn't, you are not actually accepting what's true. And so then you just stay in resistance. You, you, you stay in resistance to reality, to the truth. So how is that working for you? As Dr. Phil used to say when I used to like him. Right? Like how's that working for you? Yelling at what should have happened? It's not, it doesn't solve anything, right? It's like Byron Katie says, when you argue with the past, you, you lose every time. But there's something very like vindicating about talking about and yelling about and being upset about and wishing that things didn't happen the way they did. He didn't say what he said. He didn't do what he did. She didn't. Yes, I agree. It would have been so much better if that hadn't happened. But guess what? It did. So now what? Do you want to keep telling that story and not move forward? Or would you like to just move forward? Because the only thing that's preventing you from moving forward is your resistance to being, to accepting what happened. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to forgive it. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to permit it to be permissive of this kind of stuff in your business. Again, none of that's true. But accepting that it happened is so much healthier. Now who do you want to be as a result of that? This is the part that we get stuck in. Why don't I resent being, having to be the person that, that is making me have to be? No, it's not making you have to be anything. You could yell at it all day and stay exactly where you are. You do not have to do anything. But if you want to be better, then it is asking something of you, right? If you want to be better, it is asking you to change. And I have it on good authority. So you're good at that change thing. Look at you. So what, we got to get hung up on this. So, yeah, you're going to have difficult people in your life. You're going to have difficult employees. You're going to have people who walk into your business that you hired and pay money to, who will cause strife. It's your business. What are you going to do about it? If the one person who is avoiding a difficult person, a difficult conversation is you, we have a problem because you're in charge, right? I talked to somebody a little while ago, and it was an interesting conversation because this is very common, right? I wrote a couple books about difficult people. If you haven't picked those up, they're on Amazon. You can just look up my name and find them. They're just little lookbooks. How to Coach the Difficult Person in Six Steps and the Five Truths for Thinking About Difficult People. They're just cute little books I got for people to have, like desktop companions. I wrote these a while ago, and I've had people buy them for their entire team. Anyway, I think they're. I think they're pretty powerful and useful and short. So that's why I like them. But one of the things when I used to teach this content all the time is that one of the things we do with difficult people is we, like, sequester them. Instead of addressing their behavior and confronting the circumstance and the impact of their behavior, we tuck them away or we demote them, or we put them in another job. We, like, move them around in the organization where they're going to have less of an impact. But we never tell them. We never address the actual issue. And so I was talking to a woman about this a while ago who. That's what she was in the process of doing is like, well, I'm just going to put this person over here. And then. And I'm like, well, you were ever going to talk to her about it? And her answer was, no, I'm not. I. I don't know. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not ready for that. I do. I have to do that. And it's fascinating because that is so injurious to you and to them. You know, one of the things that I used to say is that I would get initially, didn't stay there. But I oftentimes used to get really resentful of the people that someone used to work for who never told that person what the behaviors were that they were doing that were preventing their ability to be promoted, to have more opportunity or to even be, like, respected because they were so difficult, Their behaviors were so challenging for so many people. But nobody would ever tell them. Nobody would ever make it related to performance. It was never addressed. So then I would inherit them for whatever reason, and I would be resentful. And there was one guy in particular this was very true of for me. I was furious with all the people that I knew who had managed this guy before me. And he was a lovely man. He just was, like, trying to, like, put jello inside a. I don't know, like, it just wouldn't fit. He would never stay still. Like, nothing. I couldn't get anything. And nobody understood anything he was ever saying. He talked in, like, conceptual. It was. It was a really lovely man. Nobody, nobody knew how to manage this guy. So I finally got him, and I was mad because I knew I was going to end up being the one who walked the guy out the door. And I was. I just resented that. But nonetheless, I felt like I gave it. I did it the best way I could, with the most love I could and the most grace I could. But let's not be those leaders that ignore this stuff. Like, if you say yes to being a leader, I don't know, I feel this way. Don't you have that responsibility to say to someone, hey, listen, you have all this to offer, and then this over here is affecting your ability to. To be seen and respected and heard and advanced. But we don't do that. We ignore it and we hope they quit or we find another reason to fire them or we tuck them in. So I'm going to be hosting a class on April 18, how to deal with difficult people and conversations. I know this class will change your life, and I am not saying that lightly, because I know it's true. I have led this class literally to thousands of people. I have been hired to teach it at Microsoft. I have taught it at PayPal. I have taught it at ebay. I have taught it at cvs. I have taught it at all sorts of other smaller organizations. I have taught it to my own clients. I have taught it to UC Davis when I used to run or be a part of their leadership program. I have written books on this. Listen to me when I tell you one hour of how to Deal with a difficult person with me will change your life. I'm so confident that's true. I will give you your money back, your $139 or whatever we're charging for it. If you don't feel like at the end of that you have something you can do right away with your difficult person. That is, if you're willing to. I can't make you be willing, but I know I can change the way you think about it. And I see this as a personal mission because we are shrinking in the face of difficult when we should be standing and firmly growing who we are. A difficult person is not a person who should shrink you into a little flower or fall on the ground. A difficult person is your graduate assignment. This is your PhD doctorate that you didn't know you signed up for. And you learn how to master this relationship. Guess what, mama? That creates this invincibility feeling. I can assure you, because I have been, that I have mastered those difficult relationships. And the irony is that I was that manager who shrunk through anything difficult. All I wanted to do was die during a difficult conversation. My whole body would turn red, my voice would shake, my heart would be in my throat, I'd be sleeping, sweating, my armpits would be so sweaty by the time I was done. I was so unhappy as a manager trying to negotiate difficult situations that the irony that I created all this content is not lost on me. But I built it for her. That version of me who didn't have anybody to help her. And I don't say that like poor me. I say it as the truth. Because nobody teaches you how to deal with difficulty people. What your world teaches you is to avoid them. But when you say yes to being a leader, your job in that moment is to be honest and to offer up an opportunity for growth for both of you. I believe that. So that's how I teach it. And I know how to help you do that. So I would love it if you would join that class. I know it'll change your life. I think you should invite all your friends to do it with you. I think if you have a team of people, you should all do it together. I think if you are running an HR department, you should tell all your man managers to do this class. I think everybody should take this class. And you all listen to this podcast. You know, I'm not usually this fired up about something, but if there was a time in the world right now that we all need to learn how to freaking get over difficult people so that we can achieve what we want in our lives and stop letting them live rent free in your brain. It is right freaking now. The inability for people to deal with difficult people is costing us millions, dare I say billions of dollars. Why? Because we are not talking to each other and we are avoiding things because John is going to be in the room. Ruby is the one who's dealing with the deal. Who cares? You get what you want. Stop this nonsense of shrinking. When you hear a difficult person who cares, they're just being who they are. They don't wake up thinking, oh, I can't wait to make your life hell. No, they just woke up and that's who they are. Sucks, right? For you. You have to figure out how to negotiate this moment. And I know how to teach you how to do that. So you're going to do this class. I know you are. Okay, I'm going to stop talking, go to the visionary CEO, be better and sign up. Let's have some fun. There's a couple other courses you could take with me too, but this one, dealing with difficult people. Like to me mandatory. If you're going to keep listening to my podcast, you need to do this class. Hats. I'm kidding. Okay, my friends, thanks for tuning in. Talk to you next time.