The Striver’s Dilemma: Who Are You Without the Push?

Well, hello, and hello and hello. Welcome to this week of Leadership Is Feminine. I'm so happy that you're here. I just got back from a week of retreating as an attendee. The last week I was back east. And I have a few things I want to share with you because the world is just so interesting and magical and also so timely for this week's installment of moving beyond the CEO, beyond where you've been, to where you are standing, and then where you are going next. And I'm a little tired because I got home late last night, but I wanted to. I really want to share with you a few things because what I'm hearing from you is that the podcast episodes I'm recording are very potent and powerful for you. Just a shameless request. If that's true, would you write a really quick review either on itunes or Spotify, wherever you listen? I would mean the world to me to do that. It makes a huge difference in helping this podcast get fed up to. To more people. And I'm in the focus right now of doing as much as I can to help as many people as I can without it having to me be just like me in the room with them. Like, I know that there are some ideas that we're all sharing here together that are really profound, but honestly, and also not that different from what I believe is very. It's like core wisdom. And I can say that because now I just went to two different retreats, which I'm going to tell you about. And it doesn't really matter if you're pursuing wisdom for wisdom's sake, the vessel, the person that's bringing it to you, there's like this core sort of truth to being a human that I think people are all tapping into and then sharing back, and then it resonates for you, and then you feel heard and seen. Right. And that's why we love thought leaders. We find people that we can listen to and they make sense to us. And I don't believe that what I say is is new. I believe what I say is is really sort of this truth that the way I say it just happens to resonate for you. Right. So a couple things just to set up my backstory. And then we're going to talk about transition number four, which is reclaiming future clarity. And before I get into all of it, here's what I'll do. I'll read to you what I wrote as the sort of in this whatever this will be book guide thing that I know I've told you about, but this is what I wrote just to sort of give you sort of the queue up. The most paralyzing question for a well resourced woman is what do you want now? Because you could do anything. And that power, unmoored from urgency, can feel really terrifying. Your wisdom can't rise through noise. It needs silence, it needs change, and it needs new textures to sneak in and whisper. This is next. There's a peculiar fog that forms in the wake of success. You've spent years, maybe decades focused on the world you were building, the business, the team, the vision, the mission, the endless motion forward. And somewhere along the way, you stopped looking up, you stopped looking at the horizon. Not because you lost your edge, not because you're uninspired, but because you've been consumed with the mechanics of what already exists. That's what no one tells you. It's hard to dream when you're busy maintaining the dream you already manifested. You were once so clear, so certain, so lit up by what you wanted to create. But now, now you have options, resources, freedom. And paradoxically, that is what makes everything murky. Because when you've become a well resourced woman, financially, emotionally, experientially, you no longer dream in desperation or, or in urgency. You no longer hustle to survive. And that absence of urgency can feel disoriented. So that's the beginning. So now let me back up. My whole family is from upstate New York and thereabouts New England. When I say my whole family, I mean my dad and my mother's side and then all of their family, and most of my family on both sides are relatively early settlers of that part of the world. In fact, I was inspired by the author, Rebecca Campbell, from one of her most recent books, you, Soul Had a Dream and your Life Is it, which is one of the retreats I just went to, that I'm going to talk about. And I was very inspired by how she talks about doing the work of really going back through your ancestry and ultimately finding sort of that original mother. And there's a lot of lore around that that I won't talk about right now. But I did do that. I went and I used ancestry and I found my eighth great grandmother, who was born in 1655 in Flatbush, New Amsterdam, which of course was New York, Brooklyn, New York at the time or later in 1655. And she appears to be the very first relative I can find that was actually born here. So all this is to say that I have always felt quite grounded and rooted in the land of Upstate New York. I spent a lot of my summers there. My dad is from way upstate, close to Burlington, Vermont. And so this past December, my husband and I took our kids to Socrates Shout out. Socrates Shout out. Hudson Valley. I've always wanted to go there. So we stayed in Saugerties. We stayed there because it was December and I wanted to see all these cute little Christmas towns. And it was also just two hours from everywhere we wanted to go. We went to Westport to show my kids the housemaid dad grew up in. We went to Boston because we love Boston. And we spent the day there and had a wonderful time in a blizzard. And then we went to New York City and took the train because that's where my family is now. I have cousins and an aunt and we had a wonderful time. So I've been reading Rebecca Campbell's work for several years. I started with Rise, Sister Rise. Then I went to Light is the new Black. And then she just released. Your soul had a dream and your life is it. She also makes beautif Wisdom and Oracle cards, if you're interested. She's a beautiful writer, she's a mystic. She has a way of expressing the feminine experience that I find very, very enriching and fulfilling and honest. And it just drops in for me and it doesn't for everyone. I get that. But her words I find quite lovely. And she seems to really understand at least the experience I'm having as a woman in this present time. And maybe it's my age, but there's something about that reaching back into my ancestry to find the wisdom that I seek is super powerful. So I got a notice that she was hosting a three day retreat rooted in her new book, your soul had a dream and your life is it. It's in Rhinebeck, New York, which is in the Hudson Valley. And it just felt like, oh, my gosh, I have to go to this. This is like my part of the world that I love. And this beautiful author, thought leader. I don't know what this is going to be like, but I'm going to go. So I signed up and it was at this really cool place called the Omega Institute, which is, you know, not a kind of place I normally stay. I'm more of a Ritz and Four Seasons kind of girl. But I really, it was. It was great. It was a great experience to have. And the actual venue is gorgeous. I'm sure it's even gorgeous in the winter. It's just beautiful. And it's sacred land and it's really lovely. So I was all set to do that, and then I got an invitation just a couple weeks ago that Arthur Brooks, who's an author, he's written several books. He wrote Build you'd Life on Purpose. I think, oh, God, now I'm messing that up. Build you'd Life on Purpose with Oprah. And then he also wrote Strength to Strength, which is a really good book. He's a professor at Harvard, and he teaches happiness. He teaches people the science of happiness. And he was hosting a retreat at Canyon Ranch in Lenox, Massachusetts, which is just about an hour away from Rhinebeck. And it was the three days preceding the retreat that Rebecca Campbell was hosting. So I was like, oh, I'm supposed to go to both of these immediately. So I did. And they couldn't have been different. I mean, they were. They were like, so. So Canyon Ranch is, you know, high four, five star, beautiful facility, amazing, you know, five star meals all included, with all this gorgeous spa services, along with all sorts of other ritualistic things that they do that are beautiful. One of my former clients came and she and I hung out. We just had an incredible time. Arthur is so smart, and the retreat was such a powerful exercise. And he talks about science. He talked a lot about science and data and really the unearthing of why people are or aren't happy and what happy means. And what I loved so much about what he does that I didn't really recognize is he focuses on the same thing I'm focusing on here in beyond the CEO. He focuses on sort of this other part of our lives. And he started studying it because he himself started to go through this in his 50s. Like, what's this all for? And who am I? And. And when the noise slows down, what do I want? Right? What am I here to do? And so I didn't really recognize that ahead of this, that that was his primary area of focus. And so the timing was just exceptionally perfect. And he, of course, he said a lot of similar things to what I say to you. He just has a lot of really cool science that supports it. So I can assure you that things I talk about, I feel even more validated because the things I talk about now, he has done. He does all this great research. So if you don't know about Arthur, I highly recommend you follow him. Check him out. Read a. I think you'll. If you like what I'm talking about, I think you'll like what he's talking about. He has some of his things that I. That don't drop in he, he is a 60, early 60 year old white male. He has some bias. I don't, I don't hold that against him. I see it as he talks about it. His primary examples are men who are navigating this time. And I actually brought that up and talked about how especially Generation X is a, is a, is a group of women who are really facing this for the first time in mass. And he acknowledged it. But I can tell there's not a lot of science yet behind it. Although I don't know that it would be much different. It's different, but it's not different. Yeah. And he's high intellect, high prefrontal cortex, which again I, I like that. And I think he uses a lot of intuition and taps wisdom, but he speaks through intellect. And so it's just, it was just a, it was very good. I had incredible facial. I did all the things. Then I went to Omega, from there to the Rebecca Campbell retreat. And two of my clients were actually at that retreat as well, which was super fun. And I had a couple of really powerful experiences. So the Rebecca Campbell retreat was meditating, chanting, dancing. It was so out of my comfort zone. It is not something I normally do. It was very, very genuine. I didn't feel like it was a co opted sort of spiritual experience. I think you might know when I say that I felt like it was a very powerful experience. And I think there were a lot of people who come to that who genuinely are needing to heal and this was quite therapeutic for them. I don't, I didn't stand from that point of view. I didn't stand in a position of needing healing. I was there as a curious person and as a result I had a very curious and powerful and lovely experience. And the same was true in that there are so many of us asking the questions, what is your soul yearning for? What are you yearning for? For what are you not giving yourself permission to have? You know, just, just sort of that depth of, of wondering. I found the journey that Rebecca walked us through to be very similar to what I'm going to talk to you about today in terms of reclaiming future clarity. And that is that all of us through the course of building a life, I think we, you know, and, and this is, what's, this is where the overlap. My brain is having a hard time making this all make sense. So I apologize if I'm driving you crazy. But this is what's so fascinating about what Arthur teaches. And then what I learned with, did with Rebecca and then what I'm talking to you about is that there is actual science that says that through from the time we're about 25 to the time we're about 53, we are head down, we're not experiencing a tremendous amount of happiness. We are, we are experiencing meaning. We're also in really high creative phase of our lives where we're really tapping a lot of our ability to innovate and curate and envision and critically think and do all these things that it's a natural part of our lives. And so when I'm talking about reclaiming future clarity, I'm talking about that we have been so busy building a life and in many cases a career in a business, right, that we've had that point in mind. I will build this business, I will build this career, I will build this family. And then we stand now as a woman who has built a dream come true. What do you do after you've built a dream come true? Because you've, you've had this point in your mind all the time. Now you're here, what is, what do you do? And so this is that moment where you realize, I don't know. And so if I don't know, what do I do? And that's right. Like, that's historically, like we have the quintessential stereotype of the man who has a quote unquote, midlife crisis, right? And he buys himself a red sports car and he goes and gets himself a girlfriend. This is that point in a lot of people's lives where if we can't find the meaning and the fulfillment and the enjoyment in what we do, and we don't have clarity in terms of vision, we go backwards to find it. But that one doesn't really work either. Have you noticed? So many of the women I'm talking to are happy with the what they've created, but they don't want to do it anymore in the way that they have. They don't want to run it anymore in the way that they have. That doesn't mean they want to abandon it, but the role they have in it, it's not who they want to be defined by anymore. I've been saying a lot, right, like, how do we step aside? That's what those first two transitions were about, right? Are you ready? Is the business ready? And how do we get you into that advisory role? How do we help you step aside so that you can step into, like, whatever this next vision is? And I was having this conversation with a few women because a lot of women, what they start to do when they're. Especially those of us who are, as Arthur Brooks calls a lot, all of us strivers. We're strivers. It's like, strive, strive, strive, strive, strive. Right to the point where we don't know what to do if we're not striving. And so I talk with a lot of women who know that, okay, this part of my work, this part of my career, this part of my business is over. I. I really can tell, like, it doesn't stimulate me anymore. I don't have any new ideas anymore. Like, I know, I know it's time to segue, to step aside, but I don't know what I want to do because we're all strivers. We start thinking about work. Like, I got to figure out what my next job, quote, unquote, will be, or my next business will be. I have to have a thing I create, right? And so what I've actually started asking women first now is before you get there, before you start being like, oh, I think, well, I've always been interested in this, and I've always been interested in this. So maybe I'll start this, or I'll start a foundation, or I'll. I'll do this. And it's like, it has to be a thing, right? You have to give your passion a job, right? Before we do that, I want you to first. If this is resonating, I want you to first ask yourself, do you even want to work, my love? Do you even want to work? Now, don't get all in the weeds on me. I have to work. I can't survive. I'm too young. Blah, blah, blah, all the things. Don't do that. Stop. Stop it. Do you even want to work? And if the answer to that is I don't really know if I want to work, then allow that to be present. That actually can become part of the vision. As someone said to me, you're describing a vision, not a fantasy, but I think we're such freaking shrivers, Mama, that strivers, that when we, like, say, like, out loud, I don't know if I really want to work, we feel like, what losers, Lazy. Your worth, your value, your contribution, your purpose is not always through your work. So if what I'm saying is, like, dropping in a little bit, can you just let that be there for a minute? And if you didn't work, what would you do? What would fill your day? Where is that on the list? And for some of you, you're like, no way. I still want to work. I still want to make a shit ton of money, I want to do all this stuff. Whatever, whatever, whatever. This is the best news because what we want to do is cultivate that next horizon. The next thing that excites you, doesn't drive you, right? It's like when you're a well resourced woman, you, you don't have to create out of hustle. I met these two guys at one at the Arthur Brooks retreat and they were so cool. They're technology guys and they've already created and sold a very successful business and they're in the process of building a new one and has this AI come up. It's all really, really cool. And I couldn't get enough talking about them. And to them I was like, can I be an advisor on your board? Like, what can I do? I was so stimulated to have this conversation with, to be a part of their thinking process, to contribute to the sort of analytical part of this space. Because I'm so excited about it, right? You guys have all heard me already talk about that. I've already built my AI clone my twin that you can access right now if you want to. It's completely available, right? So we'll put the link in the show notes if you're interested, but then you can talk to me anytime you want. And I think that is so powerful. If you like the way that I could help you with leading and managing and making decisions about how to be the best leader you can in your team. And they're building something similar. And so I just was like, this is so cool. So I'm noticing, like that's really cool. That, that intrigued me, that got me excited, that I would not have seen that. Like if, if you had told me three weeks ago, hey, do you think you'd be interested in being part of a startup? I'd say yeah, no. And I'm not suggesting I'm going to be a part of their startup, but I, I just didn't even. That wasn't on my radar. And that part of what I'm talking about here is going to come up in our next transition when we meet next week. But right now I want to honor that. For many of you listening to this, the original dream has concluded. This is what I wrote. You must come to know who you are now. This part is tender because the woman who got you here, she's incredible. She's tenacious, resourceful, unstoppable. She had her eye fixed on one thing, which was there and she got you there, which is now here. So now what? This is the moment where you stop asking, what should I do next? And you start asking, who am I now? Not based on what you've done, not based on what you've achieved, but based on what is quietly calling to you now. It's not going to be in your calendar. It's not a revenue dashboard, it's not a to do list. That version of you. She doesn't live in there. She doesn't live at your desk. She lives in the breath, the body. She lives inside. Questions you've been too busy to ask. This is why, just as an aside, I wish every woman who listens to my podcast could join me for my Hawaii retreat. There is a magic that happens at that experience. There is a power that comes with the stillness you experience as I guide you and advise you in that magical little part of the world. It's all for you. It's not for anyone else. And there really is, like, wisdom in the waves and the. It sounds so trite, but it's just true. The waves and the wind and the pine needles under your feet. And so if it has called to you, I still have some spots in September. I'm telling you that because I don't know, I feel like I had. Having just gone on these two retreats myself, I just am reminded again of how much you must invest in yourself. So if it isn't me, that isn't my retreat you go to. Go find, carve out space and time to be with yourself. One of the things that I have done in the month of July is I went off of social media. I still have. My profiles are up there, but I'm not on there. And I honestly think it's changing me to not go on to Instagram or Facebook. I'm clearer thoughted. Thoughted. I'm clear. I'm clearer thinking. I'm not as emotionally affected and erratic. I don't think in terms of social posts. I don't know if other people do that, but I used to think in terms of, like, what I could post on social media and I hated it. I didn't want to do that anymore and I thought I would miss it and feel left out and like, have fomo. I haven't missed a darn thing. I know what's going on in the world that I need to know about. Other people love to tell you stuff that's going on that you don't want to know about, so I'm plenty informed. I don't think I'm going to go back and If I do, I'll be out, and then I'll pop back off. But what I'm trying to say here is that I'm not the woman I was a year ago. I am a woman who's achieved a dream come true. And now I, too, am trying to figure out what it is I want to do. And in order to do that, I have to be willing to accept that everything I have built, experienced, created, been known for may not be where I go next. I believe that we have to be willing to let those parts of us no longer lead. Arthur closed his retreat with something really powerful and profound to me. He showed a picture that was very, very messy and full of stuff. And he. He. It's like a paint splatter, I guess. It sold for, like 3 million, $30 million. I have no idea what it was. I honestly don't care. It was. The point was, this painting had paint splatter everywhere. There was no room anywhere for you to add more paint. It was full. And so he was talking about how that's. That's kind of where we are when we get to the point that we've built a life that's so full, there's no more room. It's not about adding. So then he showed a picture of a big piece of jade. A rock, huge, big chunk. Like, you know, like, big. Like, I don't know, 3ft by 3ft. It was big. It was a big piece of jade. And he said, you know, this. This piece of jade, you don't add anything to it. In order to find the beauty in it, you have to remove parts of the jade. And then he showed a sculpture of a Buddha statue that was made from this jade stone. And his point was that as we move through this phase, we need to begin to sculpt, not add that. We need to explore who we are today and let go of habits and titles and wants that really are no longer a part of who we are. We need to continue to sort of ask the questions that help us chip away at this beautiful piece of jade that we've. We are and allow us to find what is the beauty? What is this next version that's waiting to reveal itself? So he talks about creating a reverse bucket list, which is to actually remove things. And a way to do that is to really look at all of that you have built and then let it go and say, I'm so grateful for you. I'm so grateful to the woman I was who made this all happen, who realized, helped me arrive to this place. That I am. I'm where I am because of you. And there is a wisdom and almost a playful curiosity that we have to tap into to make our next discovery. And that, my friends, will be what we talk about in our next transition. So I hope you have found all of this useful. Thank you for tuning in and if you would be so lovingly kind if you have to write a review, if you share your review with me at hello Visionary CEO, I have a little something something that I would send you, but you have to send your review. We'll send it to you. All right, my friends, have a wonderful afternoon, morning, night, day, wherever you are. We have so many great things coming up. Are you on the list? Go to thevisionary CEO Notes and add your name. I will send you some fun things and you'll be first to know about some really fun and interesting things that are coming up like say, the Hawaii Retreat. So Visionary CEO Notes and get your name on our list.