Gabby Bernstein on 4 Steps to Change Your Mindset, Heal, and Manifest The Life You Desire

The more awareness we have of the parts of us and their role in protecting us, the more we check in with them and the more self that emerges, the easier it is to show up for life. The more harmony we feel inside, the more creative we feel, right? So then the easier it is to do the projects that we want to do or the more connected we feel, the more present we can be with our loved ones, the more compassionate we feel towards ourselves, the more compassion we have towards others. It's just a ripple effect. The subtitle is this is your chance to change your life because there's safety inside the resources you're looking for inside.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Earn your happy podcast. Happy New Year. I could not think of a better episode to come out on the new year than the special guest that I have for you today. This woman has been a mentor of mine for over 10 years. She is so much of the reason why I wrote my book. She wrote the forward to my book A Tribe Called Bliss. I have been a part of her programs. I've been a part of her master classes. I've been an affiliate for her programs. She has been somebody that I've done one on one coaching with. I've been to her events. I am such a advocate for this woman's teachings. It's absolutely changed my life. And I know that if you are not familiar with Gabrielle Bernstein that your life is about to be changed as well. Especially if you go and read her books and attend some live lectures.

You guys.

So I'm really excited to be kicking off the new year with Gabrielle Bernstein because it is such a, such a full circle moment for me. She's been on the podcast before three or four times. So if you want even more Gabby Bernstein on the podcast, go and look it up. But you guys, I'm so excited about the New year. I'm just beyond. I just feel this amazing energy in the air and you know, I think that we have all been kind of Recovering still from 2020, clearing out our lives, setting new foundations. It's like the whole world flipped on its head and we've been fig who we are after the fact. And I feel like 2025 truly now has the foundation of these next chapters.

Of our life moving forward.

So I am hosting a free challenge with my co founder Natalie Ellis of Boss Babe and you guys can go to the link in the show notes to join that. It kicks off on January 6th. You're going to get free workouts, free free manifesting meditations and journal prompts from Natalie. The workouts are with me and you're also going to get a super simple back to you detoxifying meal guide because we want you to feel like yourself and then some the best version of yourself as quick as possible. And I know what five days of eating well and moving your body and getting in the right frame of mind can do. And that's what this Glow Up Challenge is all about. So if you're going to join the challenge, it's totally, totally free. You can go to link in the show notes, but you're going to want to get your glossy for it as well. So go to getglosi.com we have some huge announcements over on that site as well that I think you're going to be really excited about that I can't quite say yet, but they might be up already. But go to getglocee.com to get your glossy because on the glossy challenge, of course you're going to be drinking glossy twice a day. So let me tell you a little bit more about Gabby Bernstein. We're going to get into this. You know those people who just come into your life and impact you and just change your life? That is her for me. So Gabby shares four simple steps of a life changing practice to let go of old patterns, transform your relationships and finally overcome nagging self doubts that hold you back. And what I love most about my conversations with Gabby is every time she comes on the podcast, she ends up literally coaching me and walking me through an exercise in real time.

So you guys get to be inside.

Of a little bit of therapy with me. It's like every single episode I have something in my life that I'm like, please help me. So we aren't only sharing some tools from her new book that you can run with and use for yourself today, but you also get to see what her four step exercises look like from start to finish. In a real example, that can shift you by taking a minute to check in with yourself while I go through the process live on this podcast. So if there are areas of your life where you feel like I need to get my shit together or I need to start focusing this year and being more organized. One thing I love that Gabby goes deeper into is that it's not always about having it all together or setting up the perfect circumstances. It's about having tools to know what to do when we're triggered or thrown off course. So it's such a cool way to walk through this new year and tackle these new goals, knowing that you have this simple, effective tool to realign and stay on course. I'm telling you, I love it. And we're also doing a book giveaway at the end of this podcast, you guys. So we're giving away 20 copies of Gabby's new book called Self help to the first 20 people who tag both me, Lori Harder, and Gabby Bernstein in your Instagram stories. Take a screenshot of this podcast and let us know what your biggest takeaway was from the podcast. I'm going to be sending you a free book if you do that, the first 20 people. So you guys, please go and do that so you can get your free.

Book and let us know what your biggest takeaway was. It's always such a gift for the.

People on the episode to be able to see that they made it an impact on this podcast to this audience. So I'm so grateful for you guys. Happy freaking new year and enjoy the show.

All right, Gabby, welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. You're a regular on the show, and nothing makes me happier.

Well, I like being a regular because that means that I have these perennial moments where I get to see you.

I was super excited because I. I wanted to tell you, I'm like, you know, you've been coming up so much in essentially whenever I'm on stage, because so many people ask about just different points of my journey. And you are one of those clear markers in my life. Kind of like what you talk about in your book. You have these people that you meet, whether it's mentors or doctors or, you know, different friends in your life, and it's like this clear marker of when they entered what you did and who you were on the other side. And for me, you are one of my biggest, like, life shifters for like, a four to five year, well, continual period. It's still happening, Gabby. It's still happening.

So you know that I have you in my phone still as Lori coaching because I coached you for, like, for like, a hot minute, right?

Yes.

Such a privilege because you were my dream coaching client then, because that's why people are just, like, exploding, right? And so you're still in my phone. I kept you in there as Lori coaching.

I will be Lori coaching for the rest of my life.

That makes happy great. I'll be here to support.

Oh, my God. Okay, so we're. We're back again because you have another book. I. I pray that you never stop writing books because every single book that you write is it just always. I feel like it really, truly does meet just about Everyone where they're at at some point. So you know, in my self help journey and my personal journey, it's like no matter how much you grow and no matter how much you heal, when we grow and we heal, we tend to go and find bigger things that we want to do. We find, you know, bigger goals that we want to do and all of a sudden all of those things can still meet us again. They just come in a completely different form. So let's talk about your new book which I'm so excited about, Self help. What made you write this one?

Lena? Laurie? I think I've written all of my books for myself first, except for this one.

Interesting.

Yes. So this one I had already had the gift of the book because it's based on a therapy that changed my life. And through practicing this therapy called internal Family Systems therapy, which is not about your external family, it's about this family of parts of you inside, like all the aspects of ourselves. By practicing this therapy for almost a decade and then going on to get trained in the therapy and befriending very closely the founder of the therapy, I felt the call and heard the call to democratize it and make it self help. And so with the blessing of the founder of this world renowned therapy, I have turned it into a self help practice. Hence the title Self Help. There's many, many reasons for this title. And I wrote it because I lived the miracle of the therapy and I knew that I had to, I knew that I had to demystify it, translate it and democratize it through a self help practice. So this one is for you.

Yeah, I love that. So you had been, you had been using it for a while?

Yes, I still use, I have two different therapy sessions a week, couples in private and those therapy sessions I use ifs internal family systems thera and I was for, for seven years with one therapist and now I have two new therapists that I'm doing it with in different ways. And then I went on and got trained level one and level two training alongside many, many other therapists. The training actually isn't available to, to non therapists anymore. But thankfully I got to do it when it was still available and which I really believe allowed me to write this book with a, with a lot of safety. Right. Because I understand the model is in my system. I can be very cautious about how I use it and not try to be a therapist in the book because I'm not. I'm the writer, I'm the coach, I'm not the therapist. Right. So the simplicity of it all is that we've got a lot of parts of who we are. Okay, so you've ever said to yourself, I feel outraged when my husband says that thing. Or I feel like I need to control everything in my life to feel safe, or I feel like I have to people please to get by in the day. Or when we notice that we have big extreme feelings, behaviors and patterns that have been around for a long time. Right. This book will help you release the patterns. This book will help you undo the belief systems that block you. I often say that we manifest what we believe. And so this is my biggest manifesting book. Though it may not seem like it. Cause it says self help on the title and it sounds like it may be more therapeutically inclined, but it's actually my biggest manifesting book. Because when we unburden ourselves from the beliefs that carry us, the beliefs that manifest our reality, we. We start to soften those belief systems. We feel different. A new energy emerges inside of us, which is called self energy. And I'll speak about that. And as that self energy, which is really like our Buddha nature, our God nature, the spirit within us, the inspiration within us, the clarity, the creativity, connection, the flow, when that starts to emerge more because the beliefs start to soften, then we really are super attractors. So the healing of the beliefs is the real manifesting flexibility.

I was reading through the anxiety portion, because I've been reading it. I'm like, wanted to finish it before we had this podcast. And it's crazy how truly what you just said is so true. Because how we feel, what is coming up, the thought that we're gonna grab is, if I feel anxious, guess what?

Thoughts.

I'm gonna grab anxious thoughts. And that just throws you outside of everything that you teach and everything that you are manifesting, you know, and attracting. So where were you at when you like first were introduced to it? What was going on in your life that all of a sudden you were like, whoa, this is something I feel really called to.

Well, I was practicing ifs for about seven years without realizing what it was. But my therapist was ifs informed. So she was using the model. She wasn't trained in the model, but she was using it. And there's a lot of therapists out there that. That maybe haven't had the training yet. Cause there's not a lot of people getting it. There's not a lot of trainers training it. So there's a need for more, more of that. And so she was using the model though, because she had been studying it and on her own, and I didn't know what she was doing, but I knew we were doing this thing. And in 2020, I was watching this YouTube video with this man called Dr. Richard Schwartz. I think he was being interviewed by Tim Ferriss. And Tim Ferriss was talking about how he uses ifs is the therapy. Oh, and. And then Dick Schwartz was on the interview, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That thing that this guy is describing is what I've been doing all this time in my therapy. And it was such a aha moment of like, oh, my God, that's the thing. And then in 2021, I started my own podcast. And the third person I interviewed on my podcast was Dick Schwartz, because I was so blown away. But because, like, after that, seeing that Tim Ferriss interview, I was like, okay, I got to go read every book this guy's ever written and watch every interview he's ever done. I'm obsessed with this. I need to know everything. And then it became such an obsession that I had him on my podcast. And on the podcast, we were instant friends. And I said, you know, I have strong psychic kit that I'm supposed to teach this. And he said, well, if you're going to do that, then I really encourage you to try to get the training. And so I applied for the training. I got into the level one and I did a level two training. So I did that over a year. I got trained, and in that time, I got really close with Dick, and it was time for me to start to think about what I wanted to write about next. And I'd written a chapter in my book Happy Days, which is the guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace. In that book, I write about these healing modalities that would help with my trauma recovery. I did a whole chapter about IFS in the book that became pretty clear that was a book I needed to write. And that's when I got that hit. Okay, this isn't a book I'm writing for myself. This is the book I'm writing for the world to help democratize this model that, that Dick Schwartz has put out into the world to carry this message and to make it self help with Dick's blessing, which is, you know, he writes about it in the forward of the book. With this beautiful blessing, I've been able to fulfill a dream of his, which is to make it self help safely and help him carry the message of what this therapy is. And hopefully more people find the therapy as they will find the therapy as a result of this book. But even if they just find the experience of the therapy through the self help process that I've created. That's enough. That's enough.

I love this book because even though I know that you're hitting on like, you know, really complex things, it's actually feels like you've made it really simple, which is awesome. It's kind of just like. And we'll talk about the process, but you make this whole, you know, process that feels like something that people can truly follow. Let's talk about that. Let's kind of start from the top of of you talk about identifying your protector parts, what are they, and give us some examples of how they show up.

We live day to day with lots of different patterns, beliefs and behaviors that kind of run our lives. And so maybe if I were to ask someone, you know, or I'll ask you right now, you know, is there, is there a part of you that's sort of like a little bit extreme or part of it that creates some experiences that are undesirable? Would you. Oh yeah, yeah.

Probably still. My abandonment issues come up with people where I think that my friends will abandon me. So I always try to control like I always kind of check in maybe, you know, maybe I'll see someone say something and I'm like, oh my God, could that be about me? And it's just that the, the underlying fear, I think, which we can get to, but it'll. I see it pop up as like anxious or questioning or wanting to like know that everything's okay all of the time.

Okay. So anxiety around friendships, wanting to know everything's okay all the time. Right. So that's a protection mechanism. So if we were to look at that, we would call it a protector part for the sake of this book and for ifs and so that hypervigilance around, you know, do people still like me? Am I still. Am I gonna. Am I, Am I good enough? Right? Yep. So we all have different kinds of protection mechanisms like this. I've got the, I've got the controller. That's a big one for me. The controller or rage is a big one for me. So letting you know, just sort of going into rage to just exhaust feelings. And so we have these different types of protection mechanisms that are kind of always hyper vigilant and always on alert. And who are these protection mechanisms? Protector parts protecting? You started to lead into it, so I saw it kind of bubbling for you. These parts of us are protecting very young experiences from our childhood so these patterns, beliefs and behaviors are protecting exiled parts of us, really young, traumatized parts of us. And all of us from a very young age, experienced trauma with a big T or trauma with a small T. And it could have been that we might have been bullied as a kid, or it could have been that we extreme, had extreme trauma like abuse. Either way, it was trauma nonetheless. And it created a feeling of fear, impermissible feelings of inadequacy, feeling unlovable, feeling terror. And those feelings were too extreme for us as children that we pushed them down, locked them up, exiled them, and immediately as children, built up protection mechanisms. And for me, it was a little girl who felt unsafe in a very chaotic world that I lived in, family. And that extreme and experienced trauma that was so extreme that I dissociated from it. And so of course, I would cut. Try to control my circumstances with this protection mechanism of controlling my circumstances, because I felt so out of control. And so if you look at these protection mechanisms that are kind of running your show, like if you were to ask that part of you that's sort of hyper vigilant about your friendships, how long has it been around? What would it say?

I think around eight years old.

Right. And for the sake of this book, we don't really need to have to get into those exiled parts we don't have. That's for therapy. Right. We don't have to go to those extreme places. That's where you might find a trauma informed therapist or an IFS therapist and do that deeper work. But here, what we want to work with is these protection mechanisms. Because when we start to work with these protection mechanisms, they can feel more safe and settle down a bit. And when these patterns, behaviors and beliefs start to settle down, a new energy emerges. And that energy is self. It is our true self. It's our. It's our. It's the God within us, it's the Buddha nature. It's the spirit within us, it's the love within us. It's the resource energy within us. It's a creative energy, it's a compassionate energy. It's a connected energy. It's clear, it's. It's all these sea qualities that Dick Schwartz defines it with. Courage, calm, connected, clear, creative, compassionate. That energy is our manifesting power. That energy is our true nature. And that energy is like a sun behind the clouds. There's this gorgeous quote in the book from Stephen Kranz, an IFS practitioner, that the sun is behind the clouds and the sun is always there, but the clouds are masking it. And as we start to relax and soften the clouds, the sun can emerge naturally. And so that's the process of this book is to become get into relationship and curious connection with these protection mechanisms so that we can help them relax. And as they relax, self can emerge. And as we do this one minute at a time, maybe one minute a day at a time, through four steps that are in the book, very simple four steps, we start to create more calm and harmony inside and more self energy. That magnetic force starts to emerge naturally.

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Yeah. So much of what you said, like now in my life, which I know even watching you, it's like I have such incredible relationships now. Like I would actually say that having girlfriends is one of my like greatest strengths and having really deeply connected relationships, but there was no way that I could have ever, ever done that without like all of these things in this book. Truly, like knowing that when you have all of those emotions that you can almost, what do you call it in the book, like self soothing, that you.

Can, you can find them. Yeah, yeah.

And self.

So yeah, self soothing is really what's happening, right? Yes, Totally calling on, we're calling on these four steps, which is step one, choosing to check in with the pattern, behavior or belief. Right. So instead of checking out, we choose to check in. That's quite soothing, right. Step two, curiosity. You know, what do I know about this part of me? Where does it live in my body? What does it want me to know? How long has it been around? Step three, compassionate connection. Asking that part of you, what do you need? All of that is very self soothing. And then step four, check in for those sea qualities. That's when you can watch the shift occur. You can say, do I feel more calm? Do I feel more connected? Do I feel more clear? Do I have some compassion towards this part of me?

I feel like so many people who listen to this podcast because a topic that I've been talking about a lot is like getting yourself into, you know, next level rooms or next level relationships or going and doing that thing that scares you and that is when, that's when that little 8 year old self and the thing that they're most afraid of is going to come up the most is like when you put yourself in a situation outside of your comfort zone but for the sake of talking about wanting to grow those kind of next level relationships. And maybe it's a woman that I want to befriend or kind of like get in their atmosphere. But you're not feeling worthy. You're feeling, you know, unworthy. You're feeling like, I'm not good enough. What does that process look like for people listening when they're walking into a next level mastermind and they feel like the women are all doing more than them or doing better than them, or they're, you know, trying to, you know, get into that. Maybe not get in, but just get to know those people in that circle that they feel like they're at the next level.

You would check in with the part that feels unworthy. You would first step, instead of checking out and overriding that feeling or belief. Right. So we might want to check out and just sort of like, do something over it or drink over it or eat over it or, like, you know, put on a Persona or whatever. What you might do is you would turn your attention inward. This right before, you know, days before the mastermind. Or you could do it five minutes walking in the door, you, throughout the day, go to the bathroom and do this. And you would just check in. You would say, okay, I'm going to choose to check in instead of check out. All right. And that would be focusing your attention inward. And then the second step is you would be get. Become curious about that part of yourself, and you would say, well, where are you in your body? And you might notice it physically somewhere. Do you want me to do it with you right now?

Sure. Lori.

Coaching.

You know, I feel like we do it every single podcast and everybody likes it, so. And I benefit. So let's go.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Okay, so is that. Are you. Are you speaking for a friend when you talk about that part?

Um, I mean, I think it's because that is what we do, is we get people into next level rooms. But of course, I can still experience that.

Or what do you want to work with? Like, which part of you that's still present that you'd like to connect to?

Oh, this is good. Okay. I think that because I. I tend to find myself in new things all of the time. It's just kind of my personality. I'm still in a newer venture right now, and sometimes I have the moments of, am I really going to be capable of the person who can bring this to where I want to bring it and, like, can really make me question myself.

Questioning yourself.

Yep.

Okay, so let's check in with the part that's questioning. Okay. Do you feel like you'd like to is that safe for you right now?

Yeah, totally.

Okay, so we just did the first step, which is choose to check in. And you saying yes, totally is my sign that your part has buy in and is like, it's safe to check in. That's the first step is choosing to check in instead of check out and getting permission from that feeling inside that, yeah, it's okay, look, we can do this. Okay, so that was the first step. Choosing to check in and focusing your attention inward. And if you feel called at any point, you can close your eyes or you can keep them open, whatever feels good for you. And so now focusing your attention inward towards this part. Notice physically, where do you feel it in your body?

Solar plexus. And it. It comes up in my throat. Like it actually kind of want to. Wants to start taking my voice away.

Okay, and what do you know about it? Any thoughts or feelings or sensations that are attached to it?

Let's see, let's see, let's see. What do I know about it? It's definitely goes back to the. You're not smart enough. The frustration with like learning certain things in school. So feeling like I have a learning disability. Not feeling smart and not feeling. There's also a little bit of a. Not like wanting this so bad for that little girl to feel like. To make sure she's will always be safe and accepted. So it's a mix of things going on.

Yeah. Okay. And there are there any images or thoughts or sensations or anything else that it wants to. Wants us to know? Just offering it some curiosity. Let the part speak for. For itself. Right.

Like frustration, like, like temper tantrum energy.

Like beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, that's really clear. Okay, cool. So how old is it? Oh, man.

I mean, I think it's. Well, you know, honestly, like the time I can feel it the most, but I can tell it's young. But when I can feel it the most is when I started to become an entrepreneur and want to like learn things online. And it was when I was wanting to launch a program for my workout membership. And it was like sitting at the computer and feeling so dumb and frustrated and something taking me like four days, which took someone 20 minutes to figure out.

So that's when you noticed it come up. But how long do you think it's been around?

Oh, I think it's been around for. I mean, around that, like 8 years old when you just start. For me, that. That is like an age that I kind of remember becoming aware of the external world, you know, like what that was like Great.

Okay, so that was. Step two is curiosity, just gathering information about the part. Step three is to compassionately connect to that part. And so can you ask that part of you what it needs?

What does that part of me need? It feels like it needs it. It wants help. That's what it feels like. It feels like it wants to learn. Like have somebody actually sit down with me and teach me things.

Nice. Beautiful. Okay, so take a deep breath and just send some energy and breath to that part of you. And just let that part of you know that you heard what it needs. And check inside now and see how you feel.

I feel better because my brain said, yes. That's really logical. And you've been learning to do that. Like just stopping and doing this and going, okay. You probably feel that way because you actually don't know how to do it. And you shouldn't be spending time figuring it out and someone else could help you. And also, I think now what comes up for me now, just after doing so much of your work, of other people's work, is like knowing that self part that I do have a great. I do have a self that is here for so many other reasons as well, you know?

Great. So you feel you've got more clarity?

It sounds like.

Yeah, yeah. This is where you. This is the fourth step where you check for those c qualities of self so you have some clarity. Do you have compassion for that part of you?

Yes.

Gorgeous. Beautiful. Do you feel connected to it too? Connect?

I still feel too connected to it sometimes.

Like, you know, it's there and there's a connection to it. Yeah. Great. Okay. Do you feel like you have some. A little bit more confidence right now?

Yes.

Any courage coming forward?

I think when I get clarity like that, that's when I start to feel courage. Like when I get clarity in a plan.

There you go. There you go. Okay, great. Beautiful. Okay, so what we just did was instead of checking out, right? So let's say you've got this project in front of you. You're about to sit down to your desk to start working on it. You notice that feeling come over you. It could really take you out. And checking out would look like, you know, overworking or whatever you would do to try to check out from it. Instead of checking out, you're in a check in and you first. First step, choose to check in. Second step, you become curious. Okay, where is it in my body? You know, how old is it? What do I. What do I know about it? Does it have any images or sensations or. Or Visuals it wants me to see. Just give it a little space to talk, you know, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, 20 minutes, I don't care. Third step, compassionately connect and say, what do you need? Let the part speak for what it needs, right? Needs help. It needs whatever it needs. And you just want to be there, present with what it needs. And the fourth step is to check for the sea qualities of self. And that's where you just can go down the list. You can say, do I feel more calm? Do I feel more connected? And if you even feel the slightest molecule of some self, energy of one of those qualities, calm, connected, compassionate, courageous, clear, confident, creative, connect. There's always another one. I forget. Then, you know, if you feel that molecule itself, then you know that the four steps have done their job.

This is such a good reminder because I'll tell you especially, we all grow and we all get consumed by. Even if we've done the work in the past, you get consumed with this new project, and all of a sudden you can be so in the setup, right? Let's say you're doing something new, you're doing a new launch, you're doing a new product, whatever that looks like. You can get so in the tactical. And you don't realize that sometimes the reason that you're spinning your wheels is because you are once again the bottleneck, because you've stopped checking in. I've found myself through the years being like, lots of self work. Then, like, get into a project, forget about the self work. Like, oh, I need this all over again. And I love this because right now, for me, this is quick. And it's like remembering that we still have those parts that are still trying to keep us safe and small.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I wrote the book and I'm working with my parts day in and day out, all day, all the parts, all these parts. Yes. And really, you know, the more awareness we have of the parts of us and their role in protecting us, and the more we check in with them and the more self that emerges, the easier it is to show up for life, the more harmony we feel inside, the more creative we feel, right? So then the easier it is to do the projects that we want to do, or the more connected we feel, the more present we can be with our loved ones, the more compassionate we feel towards ourselves, the more compassion we have towards others. It's just a ripple effect. And it's, it's, it's the. It is. The subtitle is this is your chance to change your life. Because there's safety inside, the resources you're looking for inside. And to your point, I tried to make this really simple, big stuff, really big stuff. But I tried to simplify it as much as I could by making the only prod, the only method in the book is those four steps and it's repeated in every chapter. It's, you know, four steps for anxiety, the four steps for body, the power, your body pain, your body pain is a protector. The four steps for spiritual connection. Using the four steps with journaling, it's made to be repeated.

I'm telling you all the things that had stuck with me because I, I think you kind of know the story of how I had, had found you as I would listen to your lectures all the time and I would listen to them over and over again on. I would run six miles three times a week. I think I probably listened to your lecture on almost all of those or all of the lectures that you would release. And I would just listen over and over and over to, to learn them because you were giving these super simple tools that were changing my life. And on the run I would like practice them because what thoughts do you have on the run? I hate this. This is hard. I'm so busy. I don't like myself. I'm not doing all the things I shouldn't be on this run. I should be doing something else. And it was like, wow, look at this perfect practice ground of six miles of all of this chatter of when you really listen to what your brain says in six miles, it's pretty shocking. And so I would use all of, you know, the check in method of like, oh, change this thought. Like observe the thought, notice the thought, change the thought, choose again. And it was like, choose again, choose again. And by the end of the run it was like I would start becoming in that first and second year, it was like it wouldn't even. Nothing could take root. As soon as it came in, it would come out because I had these amazing tools. And so what I love is that you've given like these amazing tools that once you guys read the book and maybe you read it twice or maybe you're like me and then you listen to it. And so it's, it's so in you. Like when you have something like this so wired in you like what you have now. Yes. Do these things happen? Of course they happen. We get these negative thoughts, we have these massive life challenges. But when you have the tools, it's almost like those things don't they, they're almost Incapable of staying in our body and in our brain anymore.

That's right. That's right. You know, somebody yesterday on a podcast interview said, well, it seems like you have it all together. And I was like, you know, that's funny. The first response would be like, of course I don't have it all together. Like, this is a shit show, or act out in these ways. And I thought to myself, I was like, okay, yeah, I mean, I'm acting out and I've got these patterns and behaviors, but I have it all together and that I know where to go. Yeah, I know my way out. I know how to heal.

Totally.

I know that there's safety inside. So to me, it's not. Having it all together isn't about being perfect all the time or not getting activated or not getting triggered or not acting out. It's about knowing where to go with it and what to do with it and how to heal it.

Totally. That just gave me chills because I think that we can feel so frantic and spiral out because we just don't know what to do. And we feel so alone in it. And I think it's just hearing it over and over. Which again, you guys, like, if this, if this is resonating, buy the book, listen to it on audio. Like, listen to it a few times, go on a walk, let it work through your body. Because that is. That is what has absolutely changed my life. So can you, can you talk about the protector parts? Like you've mentioned them in the book?

Yeah. So I think that. I think that these protector parts, when we start to identify them in whatever ways that we can, we will just notice them as the patterns and behaviors and beliefs that kind of run the show. Right. Like you wake up in the morning and it's likely that one of those protector parts is the first responder from the moment you wake up. I'm not good enough? Or am I going to get through the day? Or overwhelm or control or victim mentality, whatever that story is, or the people pleaser, these, these patterns, these beliefs that keep us stuck. Or you could even, you know, go back into it. You go back your way into it. So you can say, okay, what do I want to attract into my life? And ask yourself that. And then the next question can be, well, what's blocking me from that? And then, boom, that's your protector, right? Whatever you say is blocking you from that desire is the protector. And the protector is protecting you from feeling those very young parts of you, the very exiled, traumatized little children, which we don't have to work with here. We can just work with these protection mechanisms, the beliefs and what are you.

Talk about managers and firefighters, how do those show up? Like, how do we know what.

Yeah, so in, in ifs. And that's, that's like a little bit of language they only introduced really in the beginning just to sort of define ifs for the reader. But really the way I refer to it throughout the book is protectors. We have these protector parts, these protection mechanisms helping us push down the feelings of these young children inside these little exiles. And the protectors are typically two. There are two types of protectors. There's managers and there's firefighters. And managers are like the day to day stuff that's, that's managing our day to day life. You know, the manager, they're with you all the time. For me it's control. For me it's if I don't do it, nobody else will. Those kinds of stories, when those patterns, beliefs or behaviors become, become no longer, they no longer work. Right. Let's say something's like a trigger happens and it becomes so extreme for us. That's when we'll turn to the firefighters. And the firefighters are the really extreme protection mechanisms that we use to put out the flames of those impermissible feelings. So firefighters are often addicted parts, drugs, alcohol, binging, any kind of, you know, self harm, even things like saying things like, you know, even suicidal ideation or dissociation or firefighters. And so in the book I don't actually really try to work too much with those firefighters. I'm just trying to work with those managers, those beliefs and protection mechanisms that are kind of up for you on a day to day basis. Going so into the extreme firefighters, because that could be really too much again for somebody. So I would prefer you try to do that work with your therapist or with a coach or with somebody that's a little bit trauma and trauma informed and one on one, let's talk about.

The mind body part because I know, I know that you love to work out. I always see you like uploading your workouts or moving your body and making sure that you do that. I know for me it's, it's like the same thing. I need to, I mean a lot of the reason I started working out was because of a lot of the things that I shared with the anxious parts and how that kind of works hand in hand. Can you talk about the mind body connection with this and what are some of the things that you have done maybe with movement as well?

So there's a chapter in the book called Body Parts, and it is really rooted in the thesis that our physical pain and sometimes pain or gastro issues or autoimmune can often be protectors.

Interesting.

And this is also sort of backed up with the work of Dr. John Sarno and. And the work of. Of he wrote the book Healing Back Pain. And the concept is that these physical pains that we have, often neck, back, stomach, are psychosomatic conditions that are there to almost block us from facing impermissible feelings of rage or terror or fear. Those exiles so often we might get triggered by something, and then, you know, somebody gets triggered and their back goes out, Right. Why does their back go out? Well, the stress of the trigger, but also the focus on the back makes it such that you don't have to focus on the trigger or the fear behind that trigger. And so our body will often react to protect against having to face and feel those deeper feelings. And that's not taking away the diagnosis. You know, you could still be having, you know, real acute problems. And that's. You go to your doctor and you do all that work, but simultaneously you do the self help and you check in with the physical parts. You check in with the back pain, check in with the headache, or you check in with the jaw. Like, for me, it's tmj. My parts. Really? I have a TMJ part, right? Yeah. Okay. I check in with the tmj. I do work direct. I do the four steps with the tmj. Really valuable. Really, really valuable. I have a left hip, a left hip part.

Left hip part. Everybody.

I have a right hip part, too.

Together we're collecting all the parts.

So.

Do you think that, you know, because, of course, we also do that thing in our life when we scan for people who are, like, have a lot of different things, like a ton of autoimmune stuff, especially if they're in. In the fam and you know them well. But do you think some people are not meant to look at all of their stuff or incapable of it in this lifetime?

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. That's why I weeded out my readers. Lori.

Got it.

This is called self help.

You're ready Or I can't get this to. Can I give it to other people?

You know, I think you. I think you.

You.

I'll gift it to the people who will help self.

You can give it, you can gift it, but I would say gift it and just say to the person, read this when you need this.

That's really good.

You might think they need it right now, but they might not know that yet.

Yeah, so you don't have to check in all the time, people. You can just let them read it when they need it or just leave.

It on the table.

Exactly, exactly. Okay, tell me about. I know that for a lot of people, they're, you know, in earlier phases of doing this type of work or working with you, there was a lot of self forgiveness that I had to.

Do because that would come up a lot.

It was really easy for me to spiral around, like, not being able to let go of either things I've said or done or just, you know, the. It feels easy to be able to, you know, hurt yourself in that way in the beginning, which is a huge block to this. So tell me about the self forgiveness portion.

Yeah, there's a whole chapter called self forgiveness. Let me see if I can pull it up. And in this chapter, the message really is simple. If you, if you practice these principles, self forgiveness becomes natural. And this is something I write in the first page of the chapter. Forgiveness isn't an action we take. It's an experience we have an experience that is available to all of us when we open our hearts to self to help and to set us free from our protector parts. How can I possibly forgive myself? Is a phrase I've heard countless times over the years. My response is clear. All that's required is your willingness to forgive. The slightest willingness opens the door for the possibility of forgiveness to set in. And so even just opening a book like this is sort of a message to yourself that I'm willing to forgive myself. Because if you're willing to do the self help work, then. Then forgiveness will be bestowed upon you naturally.

Oh my gosh, you're bringing up a memory for me. Someone in my family was visiting me and they were having a really, really hard time around self forgiveness. And it was like blocking them from everything. Like, they had felt like they had done some stuff in their life that they just couldn't get that time back and like, you know, the choices that they had made. And I went for a run. I listened to a podcast. I think that you did, and you said, you just have to be willing. And I came home and said, you know, I know you can't even think about forgiving yourself because that felt too far away. But like, the. The word willing that you had said and that you had mentioned, I'll still use that word. I'm like, okay, am I willing to try this? Like just that little glimmer of could this be a possibility in the future? And I think even just hearing yourself in your subconscious, like in your thoughts say yes, that opens a door that wasn't once open.

Willingness opens an invisible door to what's possible again. That's why I wrote made the COVID so big and red and self help, because I wrote it for the willing. The willing are going to open the book. The willing are still listening to this podcast to the end.

The willing.

And it doesn't mean that someone's bad or good. It's just that if you're not willing, you can't. The work isn't going to work. Totally.

What are you most excited about right now, kind of with this portion of the work that you're doing?

I am most excited about the systems and the clarity that I'm creating in my life so that I can be more in my creative force back on stage, writing really spiritual books, putting out more spiritual content, to start putting my podcast out just as my live talks. And it's really beautiful because you're reinforcing it to me right now.

It's my. It's my favorite. I just got so excited. Wait, I got a little misty eyed. They're my favorite. It's. I don't know, I think you channel something. Totally. It's my favorite. Yeah.

Well, Laura, you really helped me because hearing you multiple times in this conversation say when I would go on the run and listen to the talk before they're on the. I think about it. Well, when do people listen to their podcasts? Like when they're driving, when they're running. And I've just sort of had this aha moment of like, I'm not a podcaster. You know, I'm not a influencer. Like, I'm a speaker. Yeah. So I'm mainly. 90% of my podcast is going to become my life talks.

I'm going to just project them for you to the world. So you do that. I'll help over here. It's going to be great.

Thank you. Thank you.

Truly. That is my. That is my favorite. And what I love that you just said that I hope everybody got is sometimes we have to go and do those things. Like we have to go and try different modalities and we have to try the podcast. But there are going to be clear places in our life where our personality comes through the most. And when we follow those, it's like.

So many other parts of your life.

Will be in flow. You're going to unlock blessings beyond your wildest dreams. You're going to help people that you never thought you were going to help. So that's something that I'm really doing this year too, is trying to follow where I am most lit up. And how can I make my everyday life or things that feel really like I'm dragging myself or dull, like, how can I make that more exciting for me? It was kind of podcasting too, Gabby. It was like when I podcast with girlfriends, like live next level. Like, I just. It's like the most fun experience. And people love those podcasts, I think, the most.

Um, yeah, sure.

Just a different version of me comes out. I'm like, oh, I like that girl.

And that's when you're in self. Yeah, right. So for me, I'm in self when I'm on stage. And so that self energy is what's magnified. That self begets more self. So when you're listening, when someone's listening to you on stage, riffing with your girls, they're listening to you in self. That self that you're expressing is igniting self within them. They feel better in that moment. And then that has a bigger ripple effect than you stuck in an ISO booth. Right. Same for me and somebody else. It might be totally different, you know, like, Howard Stern is just like in his booth and that's where his self energy is explosive. Right. Or somebody's in self when they're teaching or whatever it is. But. But it's important to know when you're most in self and do more of that.

What's that going to look like for you? Is that going to be like regular stops in places or. Have you thought about it?

Yeah. I'm going to speak at least once a month and I'm going to turn those two hour talks into three to four podcasts.

Amazing.

This is.

That's incredible. Okay, I can't wait for that. All right, well, I am so excited. And you guys, we can get the book at all places. Books are sold. Where, where do you want to send them?

Go to Amazon bookstores, wherever you go. DearGabby.com Self Help, where you can go whatever you feel called, but, but, but support your local bookstores. I always, like, say so. Love that.

Well, we're also going to do a book giveaway for you guys. So how we're going to do it is all you have to do.

You're listening to the podcast.

Just go take a screenshot of the podcast and share it on your social media tag, Gabby. And what I would love for you to do is I. We always love to see your biggest takeaway. So just write it on there, put text on there of your biggest takeaway from the podcast talking about the book. And I'm going to send to the first 20 people who do this, I will send you a book. So I'll be watching all the stories. Make sure to tag Gabby and myself. Gabby, what's your social handle for anyone at Gabby Bernstein? Super Gabby Bernstein. And we will put it in the show notes as well. And, Gabby, thank you so much for coming on. I always love my, you know, yearly therapy sessions. They always help. And I'm listening to you all the time in my ears. And I truly am so excited for your lectures. You guys have to listen to it. Go grab the book because like she said, when you have the tools, come in la.

I want to. I want to see you live in la. You got front row seat, baby.

That's what we'll do. Okay. I'll have a sign and everything. All right, you guys, thank you so much for tuning in. And until next time, earn your happy.

Bye, everyone.

Sam.