Identify The Patterns Holding You Back & Reclaim Your Power with Aisha Marshall

It's the tangible process to when people say, like, you just have to, like, become the person you want to be. I'm like, what the does that mean? Like, actually tangibly, like, I just wake up. I'm like, I'm her. And then nothing changes. It's like, no, what are you avoiding? What is a reoccurring thing? For me, it was a lot of friendships. I would meet the same girl over and over and over again, and the falling out with this person would happen bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger each time, except it was a different girl every time. And so what is it about me that is attracting these relationships? And then not only that, what do I need to learn about myself? Why do I choose these patterns? And then what do I need to unlearn to choose different patterns and behaviors? And then by that action, I become that girl.

Aisha, welcome to the earn your happy podcast. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

I feel like you and I have chatted for hours and hours and hours in our times together.

Totally.

Because we have.

Yeah. And they all. Some of them should have been podcasts.

Some of them probably better offering. Sure. Not we, you guys.

If.

If you don't know, Aisha was one of the women who helped me get light pink out into the world. And I want to explain just how much you helped with that so we can really understand that. You, you are so multi talented and this will go into your background a bit and we'll get to talk about where you are now. But you really helped me visually and with the brand to start to see what the brand identity looked like in the world and take shape. And of course, it took many different shapes, but you initially were the person to be like, look, this is like, this is what we're starting with. This is so great. It was so beautiful. You help, like, put the can together so I could see what it looked like. You helped me with my deck, my investor deck, which, you know, that was beautiful. It was so beautiful.

Still love that deck.

Oh, my God, $2 million. The deck absolutely matters.

Yeah.

It's not the size of the deck.

But it's the motion of the ocean.

Yes, absolutely. So she helped me put together this incredible deck, and I would not be anywhere I am with Gloce now if I would not have had that initial vision out in the world and understanding what that is and your vote of confidence, meaning you serve such a larger purpose for me than someone who just helped me put Something together visually. We really were on the phone talking about, what does this brand look like? What does this feel like? Talking about social media, laughing, crying, figuring things out, helping me put together all these different shoots.

Yeah.

For everything with it. And I can say that having somebody, especially because I'm. I'm a visionary.

Yeah.

Having somebody who could take that and run with it and put it out into the world has been absolutely amazing. And I see that in your new company, new podcast, new brand new community, which is so cool because you've taken a concept that's near and dear to all of us, and we'll talk about that.

Yeah.

Butterfly season.

Yes.

This concept of cocooning and butterfly season in our lives, which I don't know.

If I told you this, but do. I don't. Do you know that that concept came from a group chat with me, you and Lindsay?

I wondered. Because I remember when we were chatting. I don't know if you remember this. I was driving back from somewhere and I said, it's butterfly season right now. Because they. There were thousands and thousands of them, unfortunately, hitting the windshield of my. And I was like, it was blowing my mind. And I was like. And we were all kind of going.

Through these.

And we got excited because it truly was actually butterfly season and we were ready for.

Yes. Yes. And I remember being like, I feel like I'm in a cocoon and I'm just trying to break out and like, how do I get out of here? And it was that concept that just stuck with me. I'm like, yeah, I am in, like, a cocoon right now. Like, I am ready for a butterfly season season. So that's where like, the original seed was planted, literally in that group chat.

It's so crazy because I. I was wondering if that's what happened. I was like. Because I think it all started right there, and it was just like this. I think we all felt it when we were talking about it on the group chat. I was like, oh, my God. Like, I truly. I was ready to break out because I was in that season with you. We were kind of in that.

This was like, right around the time when you guys started running every day or running like those days. And like, yeah, I remember just being like, God, feeling like it was like.

Is this ever going to happen? Are we ever going to see our wings again? Ever? Are we going to stay these little turds, like, in this little.

Seriously. And I'm glad I didn't know how long it was still going to take because I probably would have fucking gave up at that point. Yeah.

Oh, I for sure. So is this where we all just like get together and eat and drink ourselves into oblivion?

Like, if my future, my future me would be like, buckle up, sis. I'd be like, no, I already buckled.

Like, I've already been on this ride for way too long.

I need a lifeline. I need a raft. SOS yeah.

So this is why this message is so important. Is so important. And I think that's kind of where I want to start, is for. For people to understand that you and I, we were kind of in these winters. I had a three year winter. I am just now coming on. I know that yours has co winter, maybe been a little longer now, but people think they're short.

Oh my gosh, they really do. And people not only think that they're short, but people think that it's a season that comes and goes, but you have no control over when it comes or when it goes. It's just like I'm just in a season right now waiting for it to pass. Like the frame, the phrase, this too shall pass. Like, I love that because that is true. But it, in my opinion, makes me feel like I'm taking a more passive role than an active role on whether or not it passes. What I learned from it, is it coming again? Why am I even here? Because if you don't realize why you are in your cocoon season in the first place, you will get out. This too shall pass. But you'll be right back in that same ass cocoon, harder this time to get you to really, like, learn whatever lesson it is. And so that is where this is kind of birthed from me trying to figure out like, okay, how do I get out of this? How do I get out of this? And taking the wrong route sometimes of just doing exactly what I did before to like finagle my way out of it and then the right path other times where I'm just like, okay, what is my involvement? What do I need to change? Why do I make these decisions? Why do I have these habits? What is it about me that I need to unlearn, to relearn, to not be in this situation again? Mm.

Okay, so let's go back to the question. What is butterfly season? Is that the thing that we're always trying to strive for? Like, give me the over overhaul of exactly what butterfly season is.

Butterfly season in its most simplest form is like the life, death, life cycle, right? Everything lives and dies and then lives again. It's just like the seasons of the year. It's like a flower. Like when I. I remember planting flowers in my garden and, like, my front of my yard and thinking, like, these are so beautiful. Like, look at all these flowers. And then when they died, I'm like, wait, it's not. They don't have FL around.

Like, I worked really hard to, like.

A flower for five minutes, and then it's dead. I'm like, this is not worth it. Right? Anyways. But it's a life, death, life cycle. So you have your caterpillar season, which is, in my opinion, a season where you're kind of, like, unaware. You feel like life is happening to you. Things are happening to you. People are doing things to you. Cocoon season is where you're starting to recognize patterns. It's like when you date the same guy over and over, but it's a different guy every time, but it's literally the exact same guy. Or you have the same friendships with the same type of breakups over and over. Like, it's these similar patterns. And it doesn't have to even be relationally. It can be in business. It can be in any situation. But you have these same recurring themes happening to you, and you're like, okay, I'm the common denominator at all these recurring themes. What is it about me that is attracting these people to me? That's cocoon season. Because at that point, you have awareness and you see a pattern, and you have a choice. Do I decide to work on myself, or do I just keep going status quo, and hopefully life doesn't catch up to me? So cocoon season is that work. Butterfly season, our tagline is the beauty is in the transformation. Like, the beautiful part is actually cocoon season. And then butterfly season is the fruits of your labor. So it is reaping what you sow from the better decisions that you made. You're no longer making unhealthy coping mechanisms, choices. You're making healthier choices. And because of that, you have a different outcome. It's like, it's the tangible process to. When people say, like, you just have to, like, become the person you want to be. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? Like, actually tangibly, like, I just wake up. I'm like, I'm her. And then nothing changes. It's like, no, what are you avoiding? Or what? What is a reoccurring thing? For me, it was a lot of friendships. I would meet the same girl over and over and over again, and the falling out with this person would happen bigger and bigger and bigger. And bigger each time, except it was a different girl every. And so what is it about me that is attracting these relationships? And then not only that, what do I need to learn about myself? Why do I choose these patterns, behaviors, and then what do I need to unlearn to choose different patterns and behaviors? And then by that action, I become that girl. So it's a way of changing your reality, but, like actually doing it, not just trying to think your way through it. Because the tools that you have now are not going to be the tools that are going to get you out of the situation.

Okay, I'm thinking let's share some of our cocoon patterns.

Ooh.

So I. I will share mine.

Okay.

You show me yours.

I will. We can. Okay. This is like butt naked. Oh, yeah. Part of the podcast. Yeah.

Okay, so I'm thinking back to my. This last one, which I've never had one for three years.

Yeah.

I've had them for like six months.

This is a long time.

Three months. Six months. I've always, like, maybe even less than that.

Yeah.

And I also want to say, don't get scared. You may not have a three year one. Some people don't ever. Like, some people have a ten year one.

Some people have a lifelong one.

And by the way, on the other side of it, there's so much richness. And I get that some days you don't want to wake up and you don't even know how you're going to keep going. Some days that's how cocoon season can actually feel once in a while. What is the purpose of life? Why am I here? I don't even know if I matter. It's a lot of those questions that start coming up. It's can be really dark. But within this last one, you know, my life was real great. It looked amazing on the outside. In fact, it was like even amazing on the inside. And. And that made me feel even worse.

Right.

But what it was trying to show me was now that I can say it, because I couldn't figure it out. In it, I eternally have a pattern of giving my power away to people that I think are smarter than me. And it just kept happening during this season. And it. It kept throwing me off from my ultimate mission. And in order to get to my ultimate destiny and mission, I can't give away my power and decisions to people who I think are experts.

Now, can I ask you a question? This is your podcast. I have a question, though. I love.

I'm like, are you kidding? Do you know this I'm like, yes, actually.

Okay, so this. I have a word of the year every year, and it's usually. I literally dream about it the night before for January 1st. Like, for the past three years, I've dreamed about the word. So last year was self like with the capital S. Like, your subconscious self unlearning, learning about yourself, then unlearning to relearn to be, like, what I just told you, right. A better person.

Yeah.

The person you want to be this year is power. And at the beginning of last year, when I chose self, I had no idea, like, what that actually meant until I went through the whole year and was like, oh, yeah, self kicked my ass. I understand it.

Yeah, Right.

And so this year's power, and I. I am understanding what it means to give my power away in certain circumstances. So I'm curious, what did that actually mean? Because a lot of people will be like, take your power back. And I'm like, I don't know. What the fuck does that mean? Am I grabbing something from somebody and putting it on my lap? What did that mean to give it away? And then what did it mean to take it back?

Specifically, it was essentially feeling like I needed to partner with people, and. And it even looked very exciting, and it was even with exciting people. But in my ultimate, like, first vision of everything, there was no one involved. But I painted a picture of needing people involved because in all honesty, I felt too afraid and, like, it was too much risk and too much to hold with me having to be the final decision maker on everything. And I felt like I couldn't make the decisions. And so I felt like I needed people to validate me because I had already felt like I had failed so many people with the first company, with. With light pink, like. And of course, looking back at it, we were during a pandemic. Everybody.

Every card that could be against you was against you.

But I blamed myself because I was like, oh, this must be me. So now I need to get somebody who's done this before for. To win back the validation of the people in my circle to be like, oh, you don't have to worry. We have professionals on board now who are gonna help me make these decisions when I've never been that way. But I got rocked so hard by that experience and that failure that I didn't trust myself anymore to make decisions. So I made it very. I pitched myself that, no, this is, like, so fun. Of course you want this. Even when there were so many red flags around, not around the people around us. Energetically working together that I was willing to sacrifice everything that I knew and everything I was good at and my intuition, like, I ignored the shit out of it to the point where my husband was even like, what's happening, by the way? Not bad people. Incredible humans.

Yeah.

But just not meant to all work together.

Right.

And so it's crazy to think that I was just like, yes, I'm afraid. I am afraid for this risk to be on me because I think that I. I'm a failure. Like, in certain things. In the. In this bigger thing, could I do these smaller things? Yes. But now that the big vision is in front of me.

Right.

I don't trust me that I can carry that out.

Yeah. Which I. Which is also, like, an interesting thing when people are like, yeah, like, I, you know, want to, like, see my higher self and have conversations with them and know what the future is. Like, I'm like, I don't think we do know. Because if you. If. If the. This version of Lori were to talk to the version of Lori three years ago, you'd be like, I'm out. And for those reasons, I'm out. There's a lot of reward that comes with high risk, but there's also a lot of refinement in who you are when you are doing something really big, which is the refinement of cocoon season for me. My what cocoon season taught me this past one that's been like, yeah, probably a three and a half year stint is that codependency was infused in every area of my life. Friendships, business, like, any. You name it. But I didn't really understand, like, okay, what is codependency? I thought it meant, like, don't leave me. Hang out with me. I want to be around you. And I'm like, that's not it at all. Underneath codependency was a lack of self worth. And I thought self worth was confidence. I'm like, a very confident person.

Right.

So I'm like, I don't have an issue with self worth, but it's the same thing. Like, when you're trying to, like, pitch yourself to people to get people, you end up actually invalidating yourself at the same time to yourself. And what it was at the core of it, which was my mom wasn't at a lot of my games or cheer competitions or anything. And the only way I can get the validation from her is if I outperformed everyone in the room to then have a parent then tell my mom how good I was.

Interesting.

And so that process Layered over time and refined with my brain was like, if I'm the best in every room, then I don't have to worry about what people's perception of me is, or I don't have to worry about trying to pitch myself to get the validation. Because if you and I share a common belief of something that's great, so think Forbes 30 under 30. I don't have to go in a room and ask anyone if they feel like that's an esteemed thing to have. There's a few people that think it's like a dumb list thing, but there's a large part of the community that thinks that's great.

Don't I think it's the best thing ever.

Right? And so if I have that, then now I don't have to worry about whether or not you think I am great because I'm holding all of my worth in what I think that you think of me. And that's such a moving target because whatever you have energetically, you will always just see. So if I feel like you don't like me, I will only see things that you do that point back to you not liking me, even if that's not true. And so what Cocoon season taught me is that I hold that in relationships. Even in my marriage, when it came to having children, I had so much resistance around having kids, and I could not figure out what it was, but it was because I felt like three was a crowd. Like, if there was another person. I'm loved less when there's three people in a room and if we're bringing another party into this family of two, yeah, then I would. My husband would love me less. So it's like, that's what Cocoon season revealed to me. And it's hard because once you see it, you can't unsee it. And that's when you have the choice on whether or not you're going to choose the hard route and do the work or avoid it. And hopefully life doesn't kick you in the ass in another area to get you to actually address it.

What's interesting is when I was in it, I couldn't tell that that was the lesson.

Right?

Like, I started to figure that out and did get a major answer at the end. So I'm curious to hear, like, when did that lesson come through? Because, I mean, it was like three years of an ass kicking and then all of a sudden. And I can't say that was the theme all throughout either, but that definitely was the one that carried through like.

The central at the end, that I.

Think was the ultimate reason why everything, the ultimate reason why I started light pink, why it failed, why I needed the 54 investors to ultimately disappoint, to then turn the ship, to then know that I was always ultimately in control of everything from start to finish. But we don't get to, like, see that all the way through. So how can we. How are you, like, embracing that season? And especially for another one in the future, which I don't. I actually think once you've gone through a bad one, I don't think you're gonna go through and I just don't.

Think you're gonna go through another bad one. Harmony in the universe works, right? It's like really bad, then really good. Like, everything has to even itself out. Yeah. So I'm hopeful for that.

Yeah.

I feel like I'm on the other side. Like, I feel like the worst of it has happened. Like, I can't imagine things getting worse. But for me, there was a central theme throughout. For sure. I knew it was codependency, but I couldn't quite understand it. The thing is, I think to your point, it's like once you see in one area and you start to build skills around understanding it, then you start to issue spot in a bunch of other areas, and then you see in other people, and then you're like, oh, my God. Everything is. Everyone's losing their power. Codependent. Right. And which is why even I asked you about the power, because I'm like, that's the word that I'm seeing now. That's what I've been working on now. But for me, I messed up a few times, meaning I chose my, like, autopilot behavior. So I had this marketing agency, which is the firm that helped you with light pink. And that was like a codependent relationship in business. And that ended up having a falling out. And instead of doing the work, I didn't really know what work to do at the time. To be fair, I attached my worth to another thing, which was my jewelry brand. So what a different decision would have looked like. A more aligned decision would have been figure out, like, this whole self worth piece. Because then I could make a decision on business life. It really ended up pointing me to my purpose. But I would have been able to make a more informed decision on how to move forward. But because I was lacking in so much self worth and I had nothing to tie my worth to in business, I created another shiny object. And then I went through a whole year of that and wondering why, like, every. There was a roadblock in every area. Like, there's a red flag in every area. And as an entrepreneur, you know, like, push through or do this, or if there's no here, you get around it. And it's so interesting because, yes, that all of that is true, but I definitely feel like there's an energetic thing that will block every single thing if you should not be doing it. And then the question becomes, how do you discern if you should push harder or fall back?

This is so both of us. Yes, that was the question. How do I know to push harder or fall back? And, I mean, that is when you are in that season and something is trying to come through to you. It's really interesting because it will disguise itself, too, especially if you're a high achiever, and it will be the most confusing thing you experience. You can pitch yourself when you're in personal development, too. We can pitch ourselves however we want.

However.

Yeah, it can be. You can be like, oh, this is all a part of it. We can read more books about how it's a part of it. And we can be like, yes, we.

Need to keep going. And you assign all of this meaning to it to continue to validate your deepest insecurity, because we're not ready to address it yet. Which is also the beautiful part of it. Like, that sounds bad, but I'm like, I needed to actually go through three iterations, three years of this same thing to I don't know about completely eradicate, but get to a point that ultimately ended up pointing me to my purpose. So for that, I'm like, okay, the weight was worth it, right? Like, for something so big, this weight makes sense, but there is, like, the embarrassment, the shame, the God, you name it. Especially for somebody like me, where perception is the biggest wound for me, right? Like, the perception of how I look determined whether or not I was worthy of love for my mom. So if we take that same formula, it's the same thing. The perception of how it looked to shut down an agency determined in my mind whether or not I was worthy of love. The perception of not having a business after that determined whether I was worthy of love. The perception of having a new shiny object business and that looking great determined whether I was worthy of love. So this whole perception piece, which is really just in my head or what I think, you think, or what anyone thinks is keeping me in my own prison. And. And what I could do instead is, okay, if perception's a big thing, let's explore that compassionately to, like, close that loop. So I'm no longer taking action based off of perception. So. Good.

And, you know, it's. You know, it's crazy. And I. I do this too. But, like, perception is your biggest thing. Like, your biggest fear. And you also. Your agency was an agency that created perception for other people.

Yes. That's why I'm so good at it. Are you kidding? Yes. I'm a fucking wizard at perception. Exactly. I make everyone's perception look great.

Mm.

Yeah.

If I need. If I need help on something, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna probably call Aisha first. Like, I need people to perceive me as hot at this event.

Okay. I don't feel this way.

But you make me, like, make me cool. That's what I. That's who I.

That's.

If you wanna know what she does, she makes people cool. She's a queen maker, everyone. A queen maker.

Queen maker.

Yeah.

Well, and that's an interesting part, too. So I feel like a study could be done on entrepreneurship, because I feel like a lot of entrepreneurs have dealt with a lot of trauma, and the resiliency that you had to build during the trauma ends up being the resiliency that overflows into business. And I feel like there's a correlation with your deepest wound and, like, the business that you choose.

Absolutely. A million percent. I mean, I chose a business all about connecting women and friendships, and it was my biggest wound.

Yep.

I actually remember being on stage at the Bliss Project, and it was when it was really starting to, like, gain speed, and there was 500 women in the room, and they were all. I put them in a breakout. Like a facilitated breakout. And they. I looked around the room, and they were like. The volunteers were running around with tissues, and they were hugging and crying and laughing, and some people were standing and, like, it was the most beautiful scene I've ever seen of women connecting.

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't create that for myself. I avoid it. I'm up here because that actually scares the shit out of me, and I don't want to be in that group, even though that's exactly what I want.

Yep.

It was so fucked up, this experience.

Yeah.

And, like, I was actually lonely on a stage with 500 women in a room, watching them all connect and cry. And I was like, whoa, way to do this to yourself, you weirdo.

It's. We all do it. We all do it. You have this, like, wound, and then you build your whole life around it, trying to protect it, and anything that challenges that idea or that I. That belief. Your whole world crumbles after that because you're not dealing with it. So I. Same thing. Mind's perception. And I'm a wizard at it. Like, I can concoct something up real quick and then be like, boom, there you go. Beautiful. Exactly.

I could be like, oh, you. Oh, you have trouble with female friendships. I'm going to connect you. You're going to. This is going to.

You're so good. We're going to have. Yes.

They're going to be the best experience of your life. But God forbid, when I try to go into a relationship like that, I was like, no, I'm not interested in what you're talking about. And I'll make every. I used to make every woman bad, Meaning I would find out. I would find a reason why they weren't a good fit for my life.

Yeah. All to protect you.

Totally.

And so on the other side of that, in butterfly season, in the podcast, we talk about specifically how you can use the cues of your life. Because we don't know. Like, I can look at other people's things, and sometimes I can see a really clear pattern and then point to what that's leading to. But sometimes when it's yourself, you're like, I don't know what mine is. Right. And so the tools and the types of questions to ask to point you to where your transformation begins is all. Butterfly season is at the end of the day.

So butterfly season consists of multiple different things, meaning the actual community.

Yes.

So you have a journal, you have the podcast.

We have merch. And the merch is fun. It's like one of the concepts that took off that I think is really important in cocoon season is this idea of high vibes only. It's not a toxic positivity, it's just that. And you know this with, like, the Power 9.

Yeah.

If you're not constantly reframing how you're looking at something, you either look for obstacles or opportunity. And when you're in cocoon season, if you're only looking for obstacles, it makes it that much harder to get out of. So if you approach it with, like, a high vibe mentality, it makes cocoon season more palatable, if you will. So we have merch. We're coming out with a guided workbook journal to help you in cocoon season.

Yeah.

And that work there is probably the deepest work I've ever done. I beta tested on a few people, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, are you sure? You trust me with, like, guiding you through this because it's. It's deep. Because what ends up happening, Lori, is that the same way where me as an entrepreneur, you as an entrepreneur, created businesses around our deepest wound? I've noticed that the catalyst event, the thing that you're frustrated with the most or the thing that's causing you the most pain, struggle, strife. When we reverse engineer that and take that back down to when it first happened, either childhood or, like, teenage time, it's the same exact scenario. The person is just a different player now. The person is actually not the victim in the situation, but now the person that causes that same pain on someone else. And that's been so mind blowing to see that, like, programming that happens as a child or even as a teenager, and how you bring that subconsciously to your actual life and end up creating what you're trying to protect or what you're trying to not happen in your life, you end up actually just creating that. And so the journal doesn't just bring you to that really heavy place. It also guides you out of that place too. What is it that you need to learn about yourself to rewire that? So we have, like, the roots. Like, the root is like, what the catalyst event, the original event, the stem is the coping mechanism. The petals to the flower are the symptoms of the problem. If we can change the coping mechanism to be a more positive one, then you change your reality. So that's what the guided journal kind of brings you through your cocoon season with tangible things to help you kind of get out of your own way.

And the. The beautiful part about that is, I think with you talking about it so much, and also just the conversation that I feel like we have among our friends, but you like, really dialing it into what it is and giving us tangible tools, like, cocoon season is very normal. It's normalizing it.

Yes.

Like, this is seasons, just like. Just like the seasons.

Right.

And everyone is so afraid of not feeling good. Like, even when I started this podcast, like, earn your happy, it was like, what are my tools to feel good again? I don't feel good. I want to feel good. And so tell me about how you've just felt. Like, cocoon season is super powerful. Like, tell me about some of the power that comes and why you don't dread it as much. And you're. You still feel like you're in it.

Right?

And you're also learning to find joy while in it. So tell me about those things.

The power is in the pain that you Release, in my opinion. And the power is also in understanding what it means to have your own power. That was, that is such a. Like, I feel like if I think about that word, like it feels like this. Like there's nothing in the air. When you're like, you have power.

I'm like, like you don't feel what that means?

What does that mean? I. I'm not a president, I'm not a dictator. Yeah. If I told somebody to stop running, they wouldn't stop running. I don't have any authority.

Okay.

Perceived authority. Right. But power, for me, what I learned was that I give my power away by thinking that something else or someone else is going to save me. So here's like a real actual example with like a powerful dream that came with it. Long story short, my husband had this charity event and he's part of this non profit called Boys to Men, where they help men without fathers, like, raise them to be men in the world. Sorry, young boys without fathers to raise them to be men in the world. He's like a up there in the non profit. And so this was his event and I was like the wife of Cam and Marshall. We're usually like, at events. That's Aisha's husband, right? So like I was like the backseat person. So I'm like, cool, I'll just close, it'll be great. The day before that, I did this enter this chakra clearing past life regression situation. And my fatherhood wound came up that in that session it had never. I never touch it, barely touch it in therapy. Like, if there's something I'm avoiding, it's.

That, you know, like, anything else, you're like, no, everything's good.

That's good. Everything else, that's great. So that came up and I was dealing with like really heavy stuff. And so she was like, you might be a little sensitive and vulnerable. I was like, okay, totally fine. Next day, charity event, it's Boys without fathers, right? And I'm like, okay, why? I'm not a boy, so it doesn't have anything to do with me. And then they announce at this event that they're going to do it for women without fathers. And they start going through all the statistics of the things that happen to young girls without fathers. And I'm like, check, check, check, check, check. And I can't even hold back tears when I tell you, like, I've only ever cried about my dad, like two times in my life. Like, I was like sweating. I'm like, I have to get out of here. I'm, like, so upset, and I go to the bathroom. I'm texting my therapist, and I'm like, hey, S.O.S. i don't know. I can't.

What'd you do to me?

You know, like, all of my disassociating tactics aren't working. I'm like. I was, like, trying to tap count. I'm like, what?

The tapping on all your eyebrows?

And also, mind you, it's not a charity event where the lights are off. The lights are on. We're like, set a seated dinner. Like, everyone can see everyone. Yes. I'm like, should the lights be off?

Is this, like, a mood with the boys? Want more mood in here?

Darker lights, right? And so we're sitting in the front, and I'm just like, I have to keep it together for Cam. And then all of a sudden, in my mind, I'm like, you know what? I'm. I tell Cam we need to leave soon. He's like, okay. An hour goes by. I look at him again, tears in my eyes. We need to leave soon. He's like, okay, 45 more minutes. We need to leave. Like, I need. I'm struggling. He's like, okay.

I.

At this point, I'm not even mad about the dad stuff. I'm livid at Cam. Mad beyond. He's socializing, mind you. We never had a conversation, actually, on, like, what was happening with me. Yeah.

He's like, I'm the middle of the ball here tonight. Okay, ladies?

He's thinking, I just want to go home and watch, like, housewives. Right? Okay. Right. At this point, I don't really even know if he knows that I'm crying. And so I'm like, we need to go. And then, whatever. I'm pissed. At the end of the night, I'm not even talking to him in the car. I'm like, anything. I'm gonna say, like, I just want to hurt him so bad because I'm mad. So I'd, like, let me just not talk. And I end up being so pissed. I end up having a dream that night that I'm burying these three bodies. They're not like real people. Like, meaning there's no face or person to them, but there's three bodies that I am responsible for bearing. But if I bury them, I'm gonna get caught somehow. If I don't bury them, then I'm still. People are going to know that I was supposed. It was, like, this whole thing. And what I realized in that situation was that, like, I gave my power away in that situation because I could have left, but I'm waiting for Cam to save me and tell me, come on, let's go. I could have said, I need to take an Uber. This is what's happening to me. I'm not feeling great. He would have been like, go, go. But like, Cam needed that moment too. And so by me saying, you know what I need, it didn't even cross my mind that I can Uber home.

Totally. I've been in those situations.

Not even. It was solely Cam's responsibility. But that's not his responsibility. It's my responsibility to save myself when myself needs saving. It's like a re parentification when you realize that you can reparent yourself and be the person that saves yourself. Like, how you need to be saved. To me, that's power. That's getting your power back. And so the dead body situation was like, am I going to continue to abandon myself and put myself in this prison? Like, if I buried the bodies, I was going to prison. But I'm also the prison because I'm the person that's making it everyone else's responsibility to come save me.

Oh, such a good story.

Dude that kicked my ass. That's. I'm like, I. When I tell you the word self was my word of the year for last year. Like, I really, really.

I. Yeah, that might be the heart of everyone's cocoon season, to be honest. It's. It is that moment of, you're the only one that can get you out of this. The only one that is the heart that was with this company. That was the same thing of I was looking around for people to save me. I'm like, they'll save me.

Yep.

They're good at. They've done this before. They'll save this.

Yep.

Now.

And it's the. You know what? You're right. It is like the crux of a lot of it. Because even in like masterminds or coaching communities or anything, a lot of people are buying the idea that the person that's running it is going to save them.

Right. And you have to come in, use the group, save yourself.

Yes, exactly. Yes, exactly.

Oh, my gosh. You know what's so crazy is Chris and I have. We've even talked about this because we run events and we run masterminds and they're in order for us to feel. Because energetically, I gotta be clean.

Yeah.

And I actually don't know how people do it when they sell themselves as like, I'm gonna help you.

Right.

I'm like, I'm going to facilitate a. But you have to come in and help yourself. But people still do come in with this idea of like, they'll. They'll look to us or say something. And I'm like, no, no.

Yeah.

No, no. Because I can't handle your.

Right.

I can't be your lifesaver. Energetically.

Right.

And that's a whole other version of a cocoon season that some people are in is they need people to need them.

Right.

That's not mine. I just want to give my power away.

That's all.

I'm okay.

Like anyone wants to.

I just want everyone to take my power and to help me. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. So that was the most. That was one of the most powerful things in my cocoon season that I realized. Another one was I'm selling white. Right. The company is for sale. I've had.

She has a jewelry. She had a jewelry line that.

Yeah.

This was the business that you started. Yes, that was. It was an amazing perception.

It was an amazing company. It's beautiful. When I tell you I love this business so much because of what I created. I think it's dope. Does it fit in my lifestyle and what I want to do, what I want to create, how I want to be spending my time? No. So I had a prospective buyer. He was buying it for his daughter. I thought it was like this most beautiful thing. I'm like, dude, if my mom knew, like in high school, she was in high school, that I was going to be the entrepreneur that I was going to be and bought me a company. Are you kidding? I'd be a millionaire a bajillion years ago. Who knows? Probably not. But, like, in high school, I probably would have anyways. You get it? Yep. Correspondence got slow and I was like, wow, this isn't happening. What's happening? And then I started feeling like I was selling myself to, like, close the deal. And I'm like, what would it look like to take my power back in this situation? It had been two months since we're waiting for certain documents, and I'm like, this feels off, right? Power back. Looked like setting a deadline, letting him know, hey, this. If we can't do it by this date and there's no requested extension, then I'm gonna have to move forward. Like, this has been a three month thing. Like, it shouldn't take this long. And it's funny because when you take your power back, it doesn't actually feel like you're winning.

No.

Because you think that winning is with the Power in their hands.

Yeah, definitely.

And so the deal fell through because I put a deadline and I was like, the universe should have my back. Like this just feels like I'm trying to get my power back. And I just closed the deal on a six figure payout. Like, you know, all of these things. And I was so upset and so frustrated. And then a week later, new buyer comes, he's like, hey, my girlfriend's really interested in buying this. And like fast responder, very communicative, all the things. And I'm like that. I am the prize. You are the prize. We are the prize. I have the power in this situation. I don't have to give it away. Right. So that's my most recent lesson in cocoon season in practice, trying to, not trying, taking my power back when I've given it away.

Yeah, let's. I just want you to go there a little bit more. Can you share other experiences about what that's felt like, whether it's been, you know, because you did run an amazing company before White as well. Did you have moments where you've had to send the emails or break partnerships or do things that didn't feel good but were better for you and got your power back?

What is that? Even just shutting down my agency, that was really difficult because I had given my power away to what my agency looked like on the outside. So just people and what they perceived of it. I had given my power away to the level in which I poured into the business. I was spending 18 hour days. Like me and my project manager.

I literally remember being like, she works at all hours, literally all hours.

And thinking that was a badge of honor. Being so annoyed with people in my space that were like on the weekends doing things, I'd be like, they don't work as hard as me. No, ma'. Am. You don't have boundaries because you don't have self worth. So you just try to please everybody all day. And because of that, people can over rely on you because they know that you'll get it done no matter what, even if it wasn't yours to get done in the first place.

Yeah.

And so it didn't feel good to shut the agency down. In fact, it didn't feel good until a few months later. I felt relieved, but it still felt like something was missing. But it was because of the self worth component. Like I felt like something was missing, but what's missing is a void for me to actually fill on my own by doing the work and loving myself.

It gives the things we do Give us validation.

They do.

Worked with some fancy people.

Yeah, we do great stuff. Like, stuff that I'm so, so proud of to this day. I mean, the work that I did there is what got me on Forbes 30 under 30 under marketing and advertising and that process. The process is hard when you're trying to do something that you know is the right thing, but it doesn't feel like the right thing. Not that it feels wrong, but it just feels painful and uncomfortable.

So do we need this process? Because I'm just thinking of all of the, the things and, and some people are probably listening and they're like, well, how can I avoid that? And I don't think saying, I want to go back to our ourselves prior and being like, oh God, well, she needed this. And that was such a mess. Like, I don't want to view myself that way ever. And now I can see how very vital that is to, to have needed, like for you need the Forbes 30 under 30. For me to need the 11 fitness covers. Like, I needed that. Like I needed air. And I don't want to go back and, and even tell that girl, don't try to strive for that.

Right.

Because it was, it's so important, I think, to get those accolades, to understand that's not where. If you're a high achiever, to understand where your validation actually comes from. So speak a little bit to me about that because there are some people listening who are like, yeah, but I really want Forbes 30 under 30 or like they're blocking this out right now.

Even though I have this thing, like I would never go back and not do it again. I think, I like to think that if, if let's just put ourselves in the higher self scenario. If I was going to go back and tell my as me how I am right now, back to that girl three years ago, I would lovingly say, explore your self worth. Just explore it. Because to answer your question, yes, we do need the process. Yes, we do need to go through something because that's how you build muscle. It's like you break down muscle to build it back up, right? Like things that is also the cycle of life. It needs to be broken down to be built back up. And the process in this journal lovingly guides you to be curious about some of these things so that you can approach it with more of a compassionate, loving mindset so that you can see what you need to see. Because truthfully, your brain's not going to show you anything you're not ready for. Like when people are like, do I need therapy. Like I feel like nothing's really wrong. I'm like, you're just not in that season right now. And that's beautiful. There's a season for where you're not in that season right now. But your mind isn't going to show you anything that you're not ready to because it's just trying to protect you. And so when we think about the process of uncovering those things in our life, it really comes down to like the first, your first memory of it. Like your first money memory usually dictates a lot about how you handle money. Now my first memory of like my mom not being around dictated every single thing in my life. So if we can get back to when that first happened, you can usually identify the driver behind your coping mechanism. And if you can identify that driver, you identify the coping mechanism, then we can choose a healthier coping mechanism. And so the journal will take you through the whole process so that you can at least see on a roadmap of what you're working with tangibly and then from there you have the option to choose next time you're in that situation. Cuz the only time we're able to like refine or build is an actual life circumstances is we can't just like really upgrade the programming. It's why like for me like with like breath work or sound healing and stuff like that, I'm like, you can't just breathe your way through it and it be done. We need the reps.

Integrate.

You have to integrate and you have to know what are the actual steps for integration? What does that look like? You can't just positive mindset your way through your patterns that have been ingrained in your life for 32 years. That's just like not how that works.

So the butterfly season journal is something that you came up with while navigating your cocoon season and being like what are the questions and the prompts that can help me get through this? Because there, like you said there are, there is so much underlying going on and I am a professional at being like, oh this is what this is, right?

You intellectualize your way through something and because you know it, a lot of people will not address it because you know, especially when you're super aware. But yes. So the journal will guide you through all of that. It guides you out of it. So we'll guide you through your caterpillar season where you're kind of like unsure, especially if you don't know what you don't know. Then we guide you through cocoon season, what that looks like, those questions. And then we guide you through butterfly season, which is like a refinement, the fruits of the labor of, like, what you did in cocoon season. And I don't know if you're into human design, but I'm a projector, so.

I. Oh, for sure you are. Yes.

See things high level. I can put things together clearly, tell people, like, this goes here goes here goes here.

You can amplify other people.

I amplify other people. And I. That's how I see things in my mind. It was hard for me to make sense of what was going on in my brain because I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand it. I would have to put formulas around it, like word math, I would call it, to really understand what was happening the through line. So I just use that same word math that I was using in my therapy to like, help my therapist understand what was going on in my mind and then reverse engineered that into a guided journal. It's literally, it's like the most creative thing I've ever done.

I. And you've done some very.

I've done some creative stuff. This is like, like from my DNA, like, so I'm really, I'm really excited about it.

I'm so excited for you.

Thank you. Yeah.

I'm so excited for all the people who are going to do it too.

Yes.

So how can we get it? Where can we find you?

You can find it on butterflyseason.com or it's Butterfly season on Instagram. And season is S ZN Yes.

S ZN Yes.

Or at my Instagram. Aisha. A I S A J.

Go check it out. It is. I mean, just go get inspired by the branding and all of the things.

It's so fun.

Yeah. Now you have both. You've got the foundation and the front end. You've got the perception and you've got the back end dialed in, which is so cool. Yes. Oh, feels good, right?

Yes, it really does, honestly. And it's easy to get stuck back in, like those traps of, like, perception. And I'm like, okay, hold on. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? And then just being like. You don't, like, reparenting myself.

It's so good. I mean, just that question of why, like, literally, why am I doing this? Because you are. With every decision we make, it's not a business decision or like a. Ooh, this sounds fun. You are setting up a life, a day to day life. You're either creating a Prison of inauthenticity. And like, the energy is not there if it's not built for the right reason. And like, I guess when I say that what is the right reason?

I think the right reason is a reason that's in alignment with your purpose. And that doesn't mean that your purpose has to be in relation to business or a reason that's in alignment with love. That's the right reason. Now, me signing up for like, for Forbes, they had this, like, council thing. I had zero desire to be on it, but I knew that that accolade would make me look good, so I applied. Why am I doing this? The wrong reason. Right. But if I signed up for that board seat because I was truly passionate about X, Y or Z, that would be the right reason. It's in alignment with, like, my passion or my purpose. I think gut checking and being honest with yourself or even a friend that knows you really well that you could be honest with. And you're asking, why am I doing this? Why am I joining this group? Why am I hanging out with these people? Why. Why are you energetically plugging yourself into these things? What are you thinking that you're going to get on the back end? I feel like are great questions to ask.

That's a whole other podcast. Because I'm like, but wait, what if we need it for perception for a little bit and we know it and we're just dabbling in it?

No. And I think that's great. Yeah, I understand.

Does give me answers.

It does.

Honest answers.

It does. It's honest answers. I think the power of perception is huge. Even though I know that. I think it might be perception for the wrong reasons. But if you have, like, if we're talking about this from a marketing standpoint, a right reason, from a marketing standpoint might look like. I know that if I'm. This is tough. Okay. I'm just gonna say what I'm thinking.

Yeah.

I know that if I'm in this room and I'm rubbing elbows with these people and people see that, that that perception will get me more opportunities, it's just kind of true. But if I feel like, if that's like the being of your existence, that here's where it is. If I feel like my worth has changed because I'm rubbing elbows with these people in this room, like my internal worth, I think that's off. But if, you know from a marketing strategy, if I'm in this room, I know that that'll be. I'll be on other people's radar and that'll just further what I'm doing. But if it's internalized, I think that's where the issue is.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I can't let that one go because we have to go there for one second. Because it is a marketing plan.

Yeah.

It's number one, going and being seen with certain people or being in the rooms. It doesn't mean you're using those people because a lot of times the rooms are paid for or they are rooms where other people are also going in at. And we understand perception is what sells things.

Yes.

Say that's not true. I mean like anything Beyonce touches, she sells. There's a perception around her. There's a perception that, you know, whatever she does is going.

It's why you're pr.

Exactly.

That's why you do influencers. It's why you do a lot of it. I mean it is truly marketing. And I think that the next level of it where it's wrong is internal, an internalization of that perception.

And I think it's when you go into these rooms making people think that you want to be friends with them too.

Oh yeah.

And it doesn't mean you go in unfriendly, but it does mean that you go in and you're like making all of these promises that you don't intend to keep or you're being overly obnoxiously nice and you know that's not something you're going to keep up. And I think that there is. You know, now when I go into these like networking type rooms, I go in with an intention and a very clear stated intention to those people, which.

Is huge because remember a second ago how I was saying whatever you think is whatever you ends up coming out. So for people who like want to be saved or want to take advantage usually end up attracting somebody that will take advantage of them. Like that's just how energy works. And when you can see how the energy is at play. When you show up in a room in authentic, you are going to get that exact thing right. So when you can like regulate yourself, set an intention, be clear with that, hold yourself to that authentic standard, I feel like you get what you intend. But when you show up with like inauthentic whack ass intentions, people can see right through it. Or you will attract somebody who does the exact same thing to you because that's just like universal harmony. A little bit of this and a little bit of that to like even everything out.

I used to walk into these rooms like Very needy. Like, oh, I need to meet them. This person can, you know, make me credible. If they see me or anoint me onto their stage, then I'm gonna be this. I need blank to make this happen. I didn't know that was the narrative, but that's what was happening. A very desperate, needy. Like, the night wasn't long enough. Everyone was around this person. I need to get around them. Guess who I had in my life for years and years? People who needed me to validate them. And if I didn't see them, they'd freak the fuck out. Like, literally. Like, they would have actual shit fits in my email or in person of how they need me and I'm not showing up for them. And that never happens anymore, ever.

And you know what I've noticed, too, in rooms like that, if I'm not vying for whatever, like, the most popular person or whatever, that most popular person wind up coming to talk to me. Because I'm the only person that's not, like, foaming at the mouth to chat.

Totally. It's the craziest, coolest thing ever.

It's energy. It's so wild. Energy.

What do you know? This thing we talk about all the time. Well, I'm again, so excited for this journal. I think people are ready to answer all of the.

They're like, tell me all of the questions.

But Aisha did hold back. She is gonna share one of the most powerful questions from her journal that even if you don't get it, you can absolutely go and answer this question for yourself every single day or every single morning, which is probably great for relationships, too, being able to answer this. But go and grab her journal again. Butterfly season with szn.com and also go listen to her podcast. It's amazing. She's incred. Incredible at interviewing. I love just even just hearing. If you guys loved her, just listening to her talk. It's so great to go and work through this period of your life, because they're always going to be there. We need a butterfly. Like, a butterfly moment podcast. I know where we just, like, brag on all the shit for you.

We'll call it the Shit's Popping Off.

Shit's Popping Off.

Yeah.

I love this. All right, so you guys definitely go down. If you want to get the bonus content, all you have to do is go to the show Notes, click on the bonus content. We are going to send it to you. Otherwise, go find, follow, let Aisha know all of the amazing things that she chatted about today. And until next time, we will see you on the next episode. Bye, everyone.