Koya Webb: The Shift That Helps You Feel Safe, Supported & Successful Again

When I think of like surrender and when I think of working with my nervous system, I'm like, oh gosh, it's almost like I feel like that anxiety has purpose to it of needing it in your life in order to accomplish goals or stay safe.

I used to believe this and a lot of people believe this. Accolades equals safety and that's the lie. And a lot of people are caught on this hamster wheel. Well, I want a relationship like them or I want money like them or I want success like them. And we're comparing and we're trying to achieve things outside of us. But when we turn into our soul, when we regulate and go into our soul, we know exactly what is for us.

Koya, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for coming back.

Thank you so much for having me. It's good, good to chat with you again.

Yeah, so good to see you. I feel like we kind of like looking back, kind of got to come up together in the same kind of circles and the same world, same ideas. So it's so fun to reconnect when you are in a completely different spot in your life. Like both of us are just in completely different phases. And I know you have an amazing partner now. You have a second book coming out, and that's what we're going to talk about today. And this is— your book is hitting me, and I know so many other people. At the Perfect Time. And I think that, you know, anything around nervous system right now is a huge conversation because if we can come at our life with a completely different, um, you know, presence and calm, we're gonna make entirely different, uh, choices. And I think the world is gonna respond in a completely different way. So I'm really, really excited about this. I would love for you to share, cuz I know whenever you do a book journey, it is, it's a, it is an absolute journey. So I'd love to hear like where this concept came from, like in your life, because typically we only write about what really we have gone through and what we want to help people with on the other side. So tell me a little bit about the beginning of the idea.

The beginning of the idea. Well, you know, I feel like— I feel like as you write books, books are a journey, right? It's your own personal journey through life. So to me, books are very vulnerable. And they're tough because you also— this outward-facing part, you're like, well, I don't want to write anything that's going to define me forever when I know I'm constantly evolving and changing. So basically, over the last 2 or 3 years as I'm writing the book, I'm literally evolving and changing with the book. Like, I'm rewriting different sections. I remember the first part, I was talking about healing spiritually. And I got this divine download. You don't need to hear your soul. Your soul is holding a plea. I'm like, okay, that changes my whole method. And I have to go back and change based on like things that I channel, downloads I get. So it was a really beautiful journey of surrender, of just allowing myself to surrender everything I know. And you know, that's a lot for like an intellectual, an educator. We want to know it all. But I feel like in the process of writing a book, you kind of have to surrender if you really want to channel what's meant to come through you. And that's how it was for me. I had to surrender everything that I knew and go deep into the rituals myself so I could get the truth, right? The truth on a soul level versus an intellectual level, because I feel like we're more than our minds and we're constantly evolving to align with collective consciousness. And so this book was an initiation for me. It was a straight up initiation. I had to surrender again and again and again and again. And now that I look at it, it's beautiful, but I'm still— it's still evolving. And so I'm actually on the journal now. I turn the journal in next week. And the journal is the evolution that I've gone through since the book. So it's been a ride.

OK, I want to— talk about the surrender because we can hear it and then we don't actually know. I think people listening may not fully know what that even means, like tools around that, what that looks like. Because I know for me, I can look at certain points in my life and I'm like, oh my gosh, the— like, I had to fully get to a place where you're gripping, you're controlling, it's not working, you're making yourself ill, you're up at 3 AM, you're like you don't think that you're controlling or gripping, but there's something in your brain that is clinging to an idea or a thought or something that you feel needs to happen your way. To somebody who is in that, who may not even know what surrender means or looks like, what did that start to look like for you in practice?

That's a great question, because controlling and gripping is fear. And one of my favorite books is "The Course of Miracles" because it broke life down real simply. Fear and love. So controlling, gripping, performing, that's all fear. If I don't perform perfectly, if I'm not in control, if I don't do this a certain way, then I'm not good enough. I'm not going to be able— so all of that is fear. Surrender is acceptance and love. And so what that looks like and the common thread that I just evolved into is nervous system regulation. A lot of leaders don't realize that they're in survival mode. And right now, we basically give plaques to and we celebrate performance and we celebrate people that grind. And, you know, we talk about consistency. And consistency is queen. It's very important. But at the same time, Consistency to the point of burnout and working where you're not resting, you're not sleeping, you're not recovering, you're not doing things that regulate as much as you work eventually leads to burnout. And I don't mean just physical burnout, like I'm tired, I can't go anymore. A lot of people don't realize that suppression is also burnout. So when you suppress your feelings, when you have these cancellations happen and the business doesn't go as you thought. All of these are affecting you. And a lot of us just say, OK, OK, whatever. On to the next. On to the next. But we don't realize physically our body is keeping score. Our body is taking receipts, like, for every time we got hurt, for every time it didn't work. And not enough of us leaders are processing the pain, are processing the rejection. We're just building it. And then our body will finally, after it's holding too much, say, hey, Help me out. So surrender is not having to go beyond where your body feels safe. So if you feel the lump in your throat, you feel the uneasy digestion, you're not sleeping, you're stressed, you're irritated, that's your body saying, I'm not cool. So surrender looks like, OK, I'm not going to stay up until 1:00 AM. Surrender is like, I'm going to go get 6 hours of sleep. I'm going to go get 8 hours of sleep, 6 to 8 hours of sleep, and I'm going to work on that tomorrow because I'm surrendered. What's meant to happen will happen during my work hours. Yeah, you can push, but you don't have to push for 24 hours with no sleep and just do all the coffee. And I think we've gotten used to pushing and overpushing our body to the point of burnout, and we're not spending enough time regulating. And that's the common thread I saw in my life from when I was on track, and I got a back injury. I found yoga, and that helped me heal. And then I was going again in my company, and I was holding a lot in a big team. And then during the pandemic, I realized I wasn't burned out then. I could still keep going, but I was dysregulated because I was doing way too many things that wasn't aligned to my soul. So when I moved to Atlanta, I completely surrendered. I said, if it doesn't feel like a yes, it's a no. If it doesn't feel good, I'm not doing it. So I really surrendered to my soul, and I trusted my intuition. And when I tell you that was— it's been 3 years, and I'm just now coming back full time. So surrender can look humbling for people who are used to being productive and succeeding and having the accolades and having a plat. It can look quiet for a season.

It's so funny. In my brain, I'm like, that sounds amazing. And that sounds scary because to somebody who is in a place of maybe childhood wounds or things where my parents went bankrupt, and I've also throughout when my husband and I were first married, we've definitely had financial ups and downs in a major way that feels very traumatic and shocking to your system. Money can really rock people, which is where a lot of this like hustle culture can come from, and wanting the accolades is like wanting a sense of safety as well. So I think for some people, when we think of, and I know for me that it's like I can know all this information, and when I think of like surrender, and when I think of like, you know, working with my nervous system, I'm like, oh gosh. But it's almost like I feel like that anxiety has purpose to it of needing it in your life in order to accomplish goals, or get to where you need to go or stay safe. What are your thoughts around that? How would you help somebody to be like, no, it's actually going to be more powerful on the other side?

I love that you said that, and I'm just going to repeat back one thing that you said because I knew I used to believe this, and a lot of people believe this: accolades equals safety. That is false, you know, but it feels like the more that I achieve and the more people know me and the more the bigger my community and the more— the more I'm going to get paid and things like that. Those two don't necessarily equal each other. But because before social media— and a lot of people that don't have accolades are making bank, a lot of money. We don't know who they are. They're not out there. So the illusion, because now we're seeing everyone's lives, is that, oh, I need what they got in order to make a living in order to be safe. And that's the lie. That's what's not true at all. And a lot of people are caught on this hamster wheel of looking, oh, I want this, whether it's like, oh, I want a relationship like them, or I want money like them, I want success like them. And we're comparing and we're trying to achieve things outside of us. But when we turn into our soul, when we regulate and go into our soul, we know exactly what is for us. Otherwise, if we do things and they're not in alignment with our soul, they're not going to be successful. They're just not going to be successful. We're doing it for outside reasons. And it's OK. I mean, life is like a school. You do different things to learn and grow. So there is no right or wrong. There is no guilt or shame. There's just awareness. And the awareness comes in, is this in alignment with my soul? So when I teach nervous system regulation, I have people put their hand on their heart. Or hold their heart and just really ask themselves, like, how does this feel in my body? So I teach people body connection and body awareness so they can learn to connect with God, collective consciousness, because everyone has their own codes. Like, I have my own codes. You have your own codes. We all have this soul essence that came here for a reason, and it's not outside of us. Now, we can get inspired, and inspiration from outside of us is great.. But when we try to copy people outside of us, that causes misalignment. That causes dysregulation. And we, when we're out of alignment, we stay dysregulated until we come back into alignment with our souls.

So Koya, what is the difference between, 'cause I, I know so many things in my life that have first felt aligned, then you get started and you're like, this shit is so hard and it doesn't feel good. Like there's a, in my opinion, there's a, a couple different things going on. Again, my opinion, but like, in the beginning of the alignment message that really had started coming out back in the day, I had a couple friends who I was noticing would be almost like flaking on, on big commitments that were once in alignment and then deciding this doesn't— once they got started, it doesn't feel good, so it's not in alignment with me. And I think one of the things where people might be challenged, because I work with a lot of entrepreneurs, is around Well, I wanted this, but it didn't feel good. It got really hard. It just wasn't in alignment anymore. And I'm like, but you're not following through with anything. So how do we tell the difference between this just got hard because it's new and it's challenging, and like, this is no longer in alignment with what I wanna be doing?

That's a good question as well. I feel like with to know the difference between this is just hard and is this out of alignment? You do have to tap into your emotions. So when something gets hard and you're like, man, this is hard, and I don't know if we're going to make the sales, I don't know if we're going to make the money, that's just fear, right? And you have to see it out. When your bank account is still at zero and it's in month 6, something's out of alignment. Oh, that's not fear. That's a sign that something is out of alignment. So I think it's normal for people to have imposter syndrome. It's normal for people to get nervous. I'm scared to speak on stage, right? I'm scared to even go on stage. Like, those are all valid fears that you push through. But when your reality is showing you, oh, this friend, we used to kiki all the time. We used to hang out. And now they're standing me up. They're ghosting me, they're stonewalling me, they're not returning a call. That's a conversation. It's not okay. Everyone is busy. Everyone has their thing. But if someone is neglecting you, then you need to have a conversation and say, hey, I feel this type of way. Maybe it's valid. Maybe they, you know, do have something going on. Maybe they have ADHD, you know, who knows? But without a conversation, you start to become dysregulated. So I think it is about asking yourself the question, like, how do I feel? How is this emotion making me feel? And is this something that I need to push through because I don't have signs yet, I don't have results yet? Or is this something that I got the results, it's not working, something needs to shift? And a shift doesn't always mean abandonment. But the one person you cannot abandon is yourself. So if you're feeling sick, you're feeling irritated, you can't sleep, you're self-abandoning to continue to do something that is completely showing you time after time after again it's out of alignment. One time, you study it, you improve it, you make it a second time. Again, there's a point when— where there— you know, you know, as an entrepreneur, where it's going to be hard, but the hard is a lesson and it's showing you and hopefully guiding you into alignment. But if you're pushing and the fit— it's like a square and you're trying to force a rectangle in it, you have— there's a point then you have to realize that this is not going to work. And I think that's so unique to every situation, but you have to be honest with yourself. And the biggest thing is you can't self-abandon your intuition in order to just push through when something is not working.

So I know that you— this is for business, for leadership, for different people all who are going through nervous system issues, dysregulation, gripping, all of the things. How do you really see this show up for a lot of people, especially in like a leadership entrepreneur position? And I would also love to hear like how it's shown up for you in your experience.

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I feel that stress shows up as irritation. Like, why is everything irritating me right now? The water is running and I'm irritated. That's how you know you dysregulate. That's how you know you're burnt out. You're in survival mode. Uh, when the things that once made you happy don't really bring you joy anymore. Because you're overwhelmed. You're holding it all. You're beyond your capacity. You need to, what I say, get loved up. And how this looked like in my life is that when the pandemic hit, I had a team of 21 people, podcast, YouTube, Instagram. I was hitting on all cylinders. I'd just done a retreat, a virtual retreat with 8,000 people. And it was successful. My manager, like, I mean, I'm paying 5 figures to people to run this for me. It was just the biggest thing I produced, and I'd reached, like, a really beautiful place. And afterwards, I sat in my bathtub, and I cried. I cried. I was so sad, and I was so lonely. Because just because you know people— and as you know, you know, and I know, we both know a lot of people. Just because you know people does not mean you have connection, does not mean you have people that you could have a deep conversation with, that you could call when you don't feel great and— when I looked around, I was like, oh my God, I'm feeling lonely and I don't know who to call, you know? And that was a very, very, very humbling moment to me because it wasn't that— I mean, I have people that I love, people love me, but it was a moment where I realized I had been so busy building this company that I hadn't built depth in my friendships. And right away I had these ladies call me and they wanted to do this thing. I think it was on Clubhouse, and I was so tender and I was so dysregulated, I literally start crying on the phone. And they just met me, so they're like, girl, what's wrong? And I was like, honestly, I just need a hug and maybe dinner. And then I was just like, I'mma do that. They were my bride angels at my wedding. We had dinners every Tuesday since then. And all I had to do was ask. These are incredible women. We just hadn't built the depth yet. So I think as leaders and entrepreneurs, we have to realize when we're so focused on one area of our life, mostly it's finance and business, that we neglect social wellbeing. We neglect our emotional wellbeing and processing the pain of losing a business or losing a loved one. That's another dysregulating— the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life last year while in the middle of me writing my book. And I'm like, Thank God I have these rituals to get through. So I think it's so important for leaders, when you're stressed, when you go through grief, pain, breakups, give yourself time to process it. Because if you don't, your body constricts because it's scared and it wants to stay safe and you hold on to that. And over time, if your body is tight and you're scared of people, of business, of things, you're going to be misaligned and you're going to be living. You might even be producing, but you're going to be off the mark and out of alignment with your true soul. So I think if people can just tap in with, how does this feel in my body? Am I showing those signs of stress? And if I am, what rituals and daily practices can I do in my life to help me regulate so that I can feel more grounded and balanced in my everyday life? Mm.

I feel like you and I— you and I were living a very similar life feeling the exact same things, which is so crazy. Like, I was feeling the exact same way around friendships with the— a massive realization of like, who do I text? Who do I, you know, now voice note? Like, I just didn't necessarily do that because I was in the same— I was building and building and building. And same thing, I— it like, it forced me to surrender. Yeah, like, it just— it kind of like, life will always force you into this place where you have a realization that you can't go on the same way that you were. It's like you actually can't. There's no energy left for it. You feel yourself breaking down. You can't— the same things that used to get you motivated don't work anymore. Like you said, the joy is not there. It's like you are so forced into a position of complete like, hey God, like, show me the way because my way is no longer working and I don't know how to keep moving forward, you know? So I think that's so powerful, which makes me want to shift into, okay, what are some of the tools that we can start using? Like, tell me in practice what this looks like when you're talking about all the rituals.

Absolutely. So when it comes to stress, everything is affecting your body in a specific way. We have good stress, getting married, having a child, still stress. And then we have the challenging stress, losing a business, breakups and things like that, but both of them are still stress. So the rituals, and I have 7 areas of well-being, and I have 7 rituals with each area because each area needs its own attention. So when it comes to spiritual regulation, it's about connecting to God. It could be through nature. Even if you're an atheist, you can, you know, connect with your inner self. It's really about connecting to something greater than you or connecting with something like nature or something that can really show you the natural process of life, like your breath. And to me, breath healing is the greatest spiritual practice you can have. I've been doing breathwork for 25 years, but in the last 4 years, I got certified as a breath facilitator, and I start coining the term breath healing because the breath the deeper conscious connected breath has been so healing for me and so regulating for me in like an instant. Because you know, as an entrepreneur, stress is not stopping. You're stressed every day. You're stressed about your team. You're stressed about the business. You're stressed about your friend. You're stressed about your family. Like there's just so much on you that you have to have these rituals stacked in your favor. So number 1, spiritually, I recommend, you know, breathwork or breath healing for every single person. And then emotional well-being is the second area of well-being. And to emotionally regulate, you got to— when you're frustrated, when you're angry, when you're sad, it's important to acknowledge those emotions and what they're sent to tell you. We both agree that emotions are your best friends. And they are here with a message. They are for you, not against you. Don't sweep them under the rug. Acknowledge them and allow them to show you your next move. And then mental is the next area of well-being. And that's all about affirming yourself because sometimes we are our own worst critic. We talk down to ourselves. We judge ourselves. And, you know, the rituals, the mental rituals are things as simple as affirmations. You know what? This is going to be a great day instead of, oh God, it's raining. It's going to be a messy day, you know? And so it's really about turning limiting beliefs into liberating affirmations. And then nutritionally, a lot of times we don't realize what we eat is causing our stress, stressing our gut. We're eating a lot of sugar, we're eating a lot of fat, we're eating a lot of things. I mean, look, nobody's perfect, but if your diet is all processed food, really heavy, that's going to leave you dysregulated as well. So I share some rituals on that. And then physically, of course, you have to move. And moving is going to help release happy hormones and make you feel better. But a lot of times, us leaders, we work out too much, especially women over 40, women of a certain age. It's like, once I crossed that barrier, I realized, like, as a heptathlete, I'm used to working out 4 hours a day.

Yeah.

As a 44-year-old woman, I have no business working out 4 hours a day. Now, I do spend 4 hours a day pouring into myself with prayer, meditation, breath healing. Today, I went for a hike to the waterfall. And so my workouts would do— and I also went to the gym and I lift heavy because that's very important. And I walked a mile, but I didn't hit the gym and hit the weights for 2 hours and run for like an hour and a half. So I think it's really important to understand that physical well-being can be stressful too. And sometimes we overdo it to process our emotion. And that's not good for us, especially us women entrepreneurs. And then the last two are social and financial. Social is about your circles, kind of what we were just talking about. You have to surround yourself with people that actually care about you, that actually care about you. And you know, in this world, there's a lot of people and everyone's trying to get what they can get and proximity and all these things. But when it comes down to it, if you haven't identified 2 or 3 people that you can tell anything and it's not going to get spread across the interwebs, you know. And if you haven't identified your support network, when you have a book launch, they're going to put you on your podcast like you— thank you. You know, if you haven't identified that, it's going to feel really, really lonely. And it's going to— and it's harmful, you know, to have so many people that you know, but people that are not really down for your growth and expansion. So that can be dysregulating if you haven't really nurtured Depth in relationship, and then financial. I mean, at the end of the day, money does matter, and finances matter. But it's not, let me see how much money I can make. Because I know so many people that are multimillionaires, even billionaires, and they're sick and they're unwell. But they're so used to the grind and jumping on the planes and doing the things, they literally cannot stop. They have all the money, all the cars, all the houses, great family, have everything they want. And now they're in the hospital saying, I got to slow down. But they can't because they didn't bake in self-care in the beginning. So their body doesn't know it. They think self-care is going to the gym. And self-care is having a bubble bath. And they don't realize, no, you need emotional regulation, spiritual regulation, like, shit, all these other ones I just talked about. And so it's been really eye-opening to be able to work with more and more entrepreneurs that realize like, wow, I've been neglecting myself this long and I didn't think I was. I thought going to the gym and working out was my self-care, was my regulation. And they didn't really tap into the spiritual and emotional and the mental. And then when they do, they're like, wow, I feel a big difference already. Mm.

You know, you've been saying tapping a lot and it's— I fully like have these moments where I'm like, I just got to tap and I just got to tap and I just got to tap. And sometimes we get in the inertia and it's this knowing like, oh, I should tap in, but what does that look like for people? How do you teach people what that looks like? What does it feel like? Like, what are some ways that you teach in your book around that?

So in my book, we tap in through ritual. Rituals for Regulation is a new series that I'm rolling out with on YouTube because tap in, it means connect with your soul. For me because I don't want to tap into anything else because that's going to leave me dysregulated and out of alignment. And people ask me, like, are you going to do this? And, like, you know, sometimes I'm not sure. I'm like, let me sleep on it. Let me feel it. Let me think about it after meditation when I'm not in my mind because the mind and the body are different. They're together, but they work in different ways. The mind is here to keep you safe, and the body is here to keep you safe. Soul is here to keep you aligned. And so when you tap into the soul, then you're not living in fear state because the mind is trying to keep you safe. So the reason we have the rumination and I got to do this and I got to do that is because our body wants to make sure we're making money, we have food to eat, we're in survival mode, right? And then when we are thinking about all those external things, it can move us out of alignment with our soul that says, You actually need to slow down. You actually need a little sleep. Go ahead and eat something today, you know, and our soul is going to tell us what to do to make sure we stay healthy. So when I say tap in, it's return to yourself because so many times we're functioning outside of ourselves for outside approval, for the accolades. Those accolades and approvals will come even more so when you're in alignment with your soul. But a lot of times, if we get awarded when we're doing things out of alignment— and I'm just going to bring it personal. I love yoga. Yoga is a big part of my healing and a big part of my life. I went very far, very fast, leading yoga, leading retreats around the world, being on the covers, you know, all these things. But I knew yoga was just a part of what I do and just a part of who I am. I've known my entire life that I'm an evangelist. And I'm meant to spread the word of God and love and holistic well-being. But when all the brands are coming and all the money is coming and I'm spending so much time taking care of other needs in order to continue maintaining the lifestyle that I built for myself, I was dysregulated. I was out of true alignment. And 4 years ago, breath healing came to me in a deeper way. 4 years ago, it took me 3 years to come back to it, to myself. And that's OK. So there's no guilt to share. And the reason I shared a personal story is because this is me now. And I'm glad that I didn't rush it. I'm glad that I waited. So if someone's listening and you're feeling, oh, man, I think that's me. I think I'm off— it's OK. All you have to do is breathe and take the next best step. You will find your way. We've heard all the stories from all the entrepreneurs that have built anything sustainable is successful, you will have the valleys where you go down, but you will come back up. Think of hitting the bottom of the pool and then popping yourself back up. So don't worry if you feel like, oh man, this was off, this is out of alignment. You always, as long as you're still in your human body, have the opportunity to return to yourself.

What would you say is like one of the most powerful things? Was it breathwork? And kind of tell me about— I like, I really want to know about that journey for you and what made it So profound. How do you do it daily? I find it to be one of the most, which is probably, it's probably for me because I think it's one of the most challenging things on earth. I'm like, oh, I get dizzy. I don't like this. Oh my God, I'm so tired. I hate doing this. Tell me about it. So help me, 'cause it's probably for me, but I need some help.

Absolutely. It's definitely for you. It is the one free tool we get when we enter this human experience.— and it's the one we don't need after. So it is the most important ritual. And in my first couple of podcasts, I realized— because everyone asked me that question, what is the most important ritual? I'm like, breathwork, breathwork. And I'm like, breath healing. Wait a minute. This is the common thread. You know? And our breath can excite us and rev us up so we can go for the day. And it could calm us down so that we're ready to rest and digest. In our nervous system, we have the parasympathetic, rest, digest, recover, and the sympathetic, stimulated, moving forward, you know, taking care of business. And at the end of the day, your breath can handle all of that. And so when we talk about breath healing, this is not just breathwork like Wim Hof and like we learn in yoga and fitness. Breath healing that I teach is conscious connected breath. So it's is breathing continually and for at least 10 to 15 minutes. And what that does is it activates your subconscious. It helps you release the, you know, the emotional imprints that we talked about before, and it helps your body feel safe. Like, I am safe. I don't need to be in survival mode. I don't need those accolades to be holding. Your soul knows that, but your mind is like, I need to survive. I need the accolades, I need the friends, I need this to happen, I need the money, you know? And at the end of the day, those things, they matter, but they're just a really small part of the picture. When you're living in alignment with your soul, all those things are still present and they're present more abundantly. And that's the most important thing for people to know. You might feel like you're losing if you stop that business. You might feel like you're losing if you end that relationship or that job that's out of alignment with you. But when you return to your soul, what you're going to gain is way more. When you're doing what's in alignment with your soul, you will gain way more than you ever could doing something that isn't. And the biggest thing, it won't— you won't have to sacrifice your health.

So the breathwork that you do, is this every day? How long do you do it? You said like 10 minutes. What does your practice look like?

I do at least 10 minutes every day, morning and night. And that's— like within the last couple months. Normally I might just do a little something during yoga or, you know, take a deep breath here and there. In the book, I have something called the 7 Sacred Breaths. Whenever you feel anxious or frustrated or mad or angry or anything outside of love, you just take 7 breaths. But the practice that I— that I recommend is like a long 30-minute-plus session at least once a week and 10 to 15 minutes every single day.

And what do you feel like can open up for people on the other side? Like, what do you feel like if they did this for a week that they're going to experience?

If you did this for the week— and I have a beautiful experience. When you preorder my book, you get 7 days, 1 week of breath healing every single day. And I'm sending you the link so you can take it and see how it works for you. When you do it every single day, you tap into safety. You tap into your soul's codes. And you're able to realize what's out of alignment because a lot of times we are unconscious to what's out of alignment. But when you trigger your subconscious and you breathe and you start to release the constriction and you feel safe, your soul has all of your answers. So you'll be getting what I call divine downloads. Things will become clearer. Sometimes it's gonna piss you off because you spent all that money and all that time. You're like, oh, this really ain't it, is it? And it's clear. It's not even, it's not sugarcoated. I think when we go through life and we're like, uh, you know, we're in the mastermind groups and we're like, do this and do this. And that's all cerebral. That's all mental, right? And yes, that could work. The other thing, but when you go to a soul level and do what's in alignment with your soul, it doesn't matter how long or short it takes. That is what everyone wants to be in alignment with because anything else is not lasting. So when you do that every single day, you're gonna feel better, you're gonna feel more energized, you're gonna feel more aligned with your intuition so you can make the right decisions for you, and personally and professionally.

There's probably people right now, and I know there's been parts of me in the past who, um, you know, there's like an unconscious part of us or subconscious that knows we are out of alignment in certain areas, and that can be really scary because that could mean a partner, a best friend, a business, like you said, like a lot of time, a lot of money, all the things. And some people can literally know they need it really bad, but they're avoiding it for that. What would you— for that reason of massive fear that there's going to be some— there's going to be some pain. There's, you know, a lot of times before we get really aligned, Koya, there's a lot of headwinds and there can be a lot of pain and a lot of really lonely, lonely moments and dark paths you have to walk by yourself. What would you say to people who are having a little inkling that that is waiting for them and they're afraid to dive into these things?

One thing that I know for sure is the longer you stay in something that's out of alignment, the more painful it will be, period. The sooner that you move away— and let's say if it's a job or relationship, I don't say when you feel it, you got to do it now. But your first step is awareness and saying, oh, this feels out of alignment. Second step is communicating, communicating to your partner, communicating, seeing if alignment is possible in whatever dynamic you're in, family dynamic, work dynamic, relationship. So it's not just like cancel culture kind of thing. It's not just cut it off because I felt tired that day or I felt like a bad vibe, you know, that's not my friend anymore. No. It's awareness first, then it's communication, and then you keep listening to your feelings. And it will be clear if you don't go from your mind or what you think you need to do and you move from a soul space because you'll know what to say and what to do, how to communicate. Hey, this feels uncomfortable. I'm a little overextended here. And that's the work. It's really not the fear. The fear is a sign. The work is actually communicating how you really feel and what you really need. And that's the work most of us don't do. We're not honest to ourselves, first of all, so we can't be honest to our friends and our jobs and our work. But we have to learn, and what I teach when I, you know, host my classes is self-reflection and self-honesty and really understanding what you want and what you need. And then you can communicate that to your partner, to your job, and that's how you find alignment. And then at the end of the day, if you're being honest and they're being honest and it doesn't align, then you have your answer. There's— you don't have to think about it and you don't have to wonder. All you have to do is be honest with yourself.

Mm, that's such great advice. The honesty portion, the authentic portion, figuring out who you even are. Like, what does authentic mean to you? Like, how do you show up authentically? And I think honest is a great word for authentic, just like honestly for where you are in the moment. You know, we were talking about socially earlier, and, and I will say that my social circle now has been one of the main things is has gotten me through some of the hardest things in my life. Losing people, business challenges, ups and downs of so many different things, chaos in the world, all the things that we are all, all going through in a normal, um, you know, our normal walk of life. But I will say, you know, in terms of— we're talking about trying to learn how to support ourselves in community and like find those people. I went through that same phase that I think everybody goes through who, when they're building their career and they move to LA or they move or do something big to try to find those people. And it is like, we can kind of feel like we're attracted to the people who we believe— I just heard it put really well by, um, Donald Miller of StoryBrand, and he was saying a lot of times we can be attracted to the quote-unquote like shiny people because they are— especially if you are, if your nervous system is dysregulated, they feel like safety, they feel like survival. Because people who have a lot of buzz around them, people who can really help you with a lot of skill set they can feel like your safety and like you have to fit in with them. You need to make this work. Why aren't you in this friend group? You can find yourself chasing those people and they truly do in that moment feel aligned and like you want to be friends with them. But what are the signs that maybe you need to start creating different friend groups that maybe aren't the shiny or they serve different purposes? Do you know what I'm asking? Like, what were some things for you that you did to create what you have now instead of just chasing what you truly believed you needed in that moment.

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I feel like the most powerful person in the room is not the person that's the most outspoken or the person that makes the most money. The most— the powerful person in the room is the person that's most grounded, the person who has the most regulated nervous system and is living in alignment with the life that they want. Some people feel really good making $100K a year. Some people need at least a million. Some people, if they're not making $10 million, they're sick, you know? So everyone has a different level of lifestyle that they want to live. And I lead something called financial design where you really get honest If I need $2 million to feel good and you need $10 million, we can't work the same strategy. It's a different thing. And you have to be honest about what you need to live the lifestyle you want to live. Because some of us, we got our basic needs and we're happy. But because I'm trying to live the life that you're, you're doing and I'm trying to keep up with you, now I'm stretch— stretching myself thin. I'm dysregulating my nervous system. And I actually got enough. I'm actually good. I thought I want that big house because you had the big house. I thought I want 2 kids because you had 2 kids, not knowing I was good with 1, you know. So I think we get in this comparison trap, or we get in these lifestyles that we can't back out of because, well, they started a business, so I'm starting this. They got a product, so I got a product. And that is a slippery slope. So I would say when you're building your social connected connections, look at people who are grounded in their lifestyle. They actually have time for their friends. For me, if a person is like, they can't ever return calls, they can't ever, you know, reach out, they can't ever support, I might still love them, but that's not a person that's going to be in my inner circle. I have to be around people that have time for me. Now I have an outer circle, and I go through this in my book. There's different layers of people, and you have to respect that and protect that. But it's important to know who your inner circle is. And they— it's good if they're grounded and if they're happy with themselves. Because the other way too is if you're evolving and you're going to all the masterminds, you're going and you're flying, and your friends are like, they can't go to the brunch, they can't go to the masterminds. And they're like, well, I don't like those people anyway. And they, whoo, you're changing. That also can be dysregulating because it's like you want to be with them and you want to love on them.. And you want things to be the same, but you're evolving. And your evolution is triggering their insecurities, like, oh, she's evolving, so now I feel this pressure. And they might not be intentionally doing it, but they say things like, stay in your lane, and who do you think you are? Because they're trying to keep you safe. They don't want you to get hurt in any— you know, it could not be anything malicious, but it is harmful. Intent doesn't equal impact, and when people you love don't support your growth and expansion, you lose people. So just know that that's a normal part of it to have those people that you aspire to be like, and you don't need to be mapping your life out just like theirs, and those people that you want to be close to, but you know you're outgrowing. Both of those are happening to me personally all of the time. And I think that's a sign of growth and expansion, and it comes with the territory. So for me, that was the hardest thing emotionally for me to deal with, is like friendship transition, people transitioning from my life.

A big painful piece of that, that I think when, when you are in it, is sometimes those people from your past, especially if they knew you well or went through something with you where you, you know, you were like trying to get close to someone, in order to do that you have to be vulnerable, you have to like share things. And once in a while on, on the the friendship path, people can use that against you or share something or, you know, publicly, or all of a sudden they can misconstrue or twist things. And in the beginning of my journey, I was really challenged with some friendship things where it was like, you know, my worst fear is character judgment. And of course, when your worst fear of like people not liking you or somebody misunderstanding you, of course it's going to happen. If you have chose a big life, it's gonna— you're gonna be confronted with your worst fears. And I think when you're in it, one of the challenges is that is what people don't realize is when you're trying to go and do big goals or big things or different things than maybe the, the family pattern that you grew up with, the family beliefs that you grew up with, or the friendship beliefs that you have had together, it is that feeling of that person saying some of the things they're gonna say is gonna make you question who you are. It's gonna make you question your integrity. It's gonna make you wonder how people are perceiving you. And in the moment, that can feel like death. Like it can actually feel like, you know, we wanna fit in for survival. And in your body, it's probably for me, one of the most dysregulating things is when there's a misunderstanding or public like character judgment or something like that, which if you're out there in the world, there's gonna be that, especially now on social. So what are some things that you have done around that? Because I know you have been insanely public. You know, you led a bit— you, you lead and led a very big public life. And I'm sure that with everything that you've had to move into, there's been people who have talked about you or said things about you, or you've heard things that you haven't liked. What were some of the things that you did around that? Because it does feel like a bit of a death internally.

Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, I've experienced this so many times, and especially in the last 3 years, that was my— that was my growth edge. So I got my heart handed to me a lot in the last 3 years and continuing to get it handed to me as I go on this book tour and realize who will support me and who will not. So it's humbling. So what I do is I have this practice, and it's in one of the emotional well-being rituals, and it's called transformational letter writing because that stuff hurts. And a lot of times we bottle it up and I did this for so many years. I'm fine. I'm fine. Everybody's, you know, everybody's not your friend. And I just keep going. Not anymore. I do transformational letter writing for every single person that hurts me. So someone hurt me, betrayed me, did something, talked about me, slandered my name. I write exactly how I feel about it using every single word that I want to use. I will use different languages if I need to. So I will just be like, I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you're disrespectful. I just go off, say everything. And then I go into my breath healing. I yell. I do my pranayama. I'll throw an adult tantrum and just move my body, get it out. And then I'll give myself an apology on their behalf. Like, if it was you and you harmed me, I would be like— I was talking to myself like, I'm so sorry, Koya. I wasn't aware. And I just give myself the apology that I need to hear. And then I let it go. Mm. I let it go. Sometimes those friends circle back around. Sometimes they don't. And I just release it after that. Because if I don't— and I have had— look, it doesn't happen always with the first time. It's you really— I really got hurt with this in the last year. And it's taken multiple transformational letter writings, multiple breathwork. But it gets better and better. The closer you were to a person and the more vision you have for that thing lasting, especially like a relationship or even when a parent transition or leave, like you have to deal with the pain of not having that future reality that you are building for. And for a leader and an ambition— ambitious person, any dream you have not manifesting hurts. So in that person transition, doing this transformational letter writing just helps you transmute that pain. It helps your nervous system realize you're safe. Because if you don't do it, the next person you saw it on, like, are they going to betray me?

Are they going to use me?

Are they going to do the same thing? And that's moving out of fear, not love. And that keeps you dysregulated. And you might be the one that's not texting back now. You might be the one that's not supporting because you think you're not going to get supported. And this is a brand new relationship. So doing that transformational letter writing ritual is one of my— it, it has to be in my top 5 of rituals that I write about in the book.

Oh God, that's so powerful because there you, you can't, you can't get out of this without that. And I'm, I'm actually even more glad that you shared exactly the scenarios and how you really feel because I think a lot of people look at people like you and I and they think, oh, everybody must like them and they must have the best relationships. And I'm like, this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, like truly. And it is like opening up, letting yourself be seen and connecting with people, but then also knowing who's for you and who's not and being vulnerable enough to like get those deep connections in your life. And I, I feel like sometimes when you're forward-facing and you are a go-getter, like a lot of those people don't have people they're super tight with because building does take so much of you. And there is a certain safety that we put up around ourselves in order to like be regulated, but then all of a sudden you're dysregulated because you have no people in your life. So I do think that this is— that is like one of, one of the biggest pieces socially. And I, I just feel like at the end of our life, like all that matters is the people around us in the community, you know, and who we who we've poured into and who's in our life. So I'm so grateful for this because I think dysregulated people push people away. So I believe all of these rituals are such a big piece of that. So what's one of the biggest things you have learned about yourself in this whole journey of this particular chapter in your life? If you were to tell me what you're learning in this chapter right now, At 44, right?

Did you say 44? Yeah.

You look so young. I can't even take it.

I love it.

It's got to be the rituals, you guys. You might want to get this book. What is this chapter called? What are you learning?

This chapter is embodiment. So much so, I literally changed the name. Like, I had the Get Loved Up Yoga School. It is now the Get Loved Up Embodied Leadership Academy. No one can get certified as a yoga teacher or a life coach with me. Without going through the breath healing certification. Because even if you have all the information to be an incredible yoga teacher or an incredible life coach, dysregulated— I've seen my clients, and even it's been, I want to say, 2 months since I've been teaching this. And to see how fast people transform doing the breath healing has been blowing my mind. And so I would say embodiment is my word. Like, I want to embody the love of God. I want to embody my highest self, my essence, my soul's purpose every day. But I am human, and I do get dysregulated, and I do get angry, and I do get mad. And that's OK, too. Both can be true. And I think me is embodiment and also self-acceptance because I used to feel like I had to be perfect to be great, that everyone had to like me. Everybody ain't going to like me anyway. And I had to get OK with that. So embodiment is all about— being self-sovereign and being fully embodied in my soul's essence so that when people like me or don't like me, I'm OK. When people come, when people leave, I'm OK. I could return to my love. I was crying the other day, 2 days ago, about a friendship thing. And I'm like, God, like, why are friendships so hard? And God was like, you got the best friend in the world. You still asking for more? Mm. You know? And we have to remember that that spiritual connection is the most important relationship we can have, connecting with your inner self, your soul, your spirit, God, like however you embody the essence, that is the most important thing. Everything else, we have to practice non-attachment and allow it to flow in and out of our life as we stay grounded. If you can do that, that is a superpower. It is so hard, and I'm not saying it like it's easy. That's why I'm being honest about the tears and the rejection, and it's hard, but I am more powerful than I've ever been because I'm learning to regulate. I'm learning to embody love. And I'm learning to be nonattached, be not attached to friendships, relationships, jobs. Like, another example, I had a financial accountant for the last decade. I knew they needed to transition 5 years ago. My lawyer told me. But I— they were with me when I wasn't even making anything, you know? And they got me all through just like this huge expansion. So they were kind of like the foundation of me building my community and my companies and my business. So it's almost like they were like family. But I was paying them way too much for way too long. And they even knew it. They were just like, yeah, we know. Send me a bookkeeper. And it was a beautiful transition. This just happened. This just happened because I'm regulated. So everything out of alignment is falling away. So when Apple was like, they're like, uh-uh, you know this is out of alignment. You've been knowing for a long time. So why are you trying to hold on to it? Because I'm like, I don't want to do this. But when I tell you learning my finance, I'm like, make money, spend money, make money, spend money. But now that I know, like, I'm like, well, I still have this waste, you know. I'm so much more empowered now. Now, do I still have help? Yes, but I'm not overpaying someone for something that I need to know how to hold myself. And so that's just a little example of like, it might be hard to let go of things that you've held for a long time, but it also might be necessary for your growth and expansion. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

You know, on the other side of it, there's all good. And I hope that's what people have gotten from this conversation is like, yes, there, there is going to be some, some pain around it, but it is almost like just pulling off the Band-Aid. Like, it's fairly quick once you do that initial, like, awareness, taking the first step, and then moving forward, because there's some pretty quick rewards as soon as you— I feel like, in my personal opinion, there's some pretty quick, like, rewards of, of even just, like, your soul going, oh, you know, or remembering your power getting creative ideas back. Like, there's a lot of things that open up with those first really challenging steps. So yes, some paths are longer to get into alignment. Some, some hits are going to be nice and quick, and you're going to know that you did it for— you're going to obviously feel very rewarded on the other side of that. So tell us where we can get your book.

Anywhere books are sold. Definitely my website, koyaweb.com. K-O-Y-A-W-E-B-B. Um, and then I'm Koya Webb everywhere on social. All the links are up, all the bookstores are stocking, audiobook is coming. So yeah.

Well, we will put the show notes below, so it's super easy. All you guys have to do is scroll down there. Um, otherwise go check it out because I think we all need this, especially right now. And I do believe that our most powerful decisions are going to come from this place. So no matter what you're thinking, feeling, any fear around any of it, like There's so— this is where the power is, truly, is when you can reconnect back to yourself, to God. And that's only going to happen if you really get real and you do some of these rituals and, and you do the work to reconnect. So Koya, I'm so grateful for you. It's been so much fun just to be on each other's paths. I am here for you. Whatever you're releasing, I'm, I'm shouting out. So I'm super excited, and, um, I know this is going to be great, and I know you've already gotten all of the amazing lessons that are going to come with it So I'm just grateful and congratulations again. And you guys, again, go check it out, go buy it, grab one for your friends. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone.