Krista Williams on Redefining Love, Adult Friendships, and “Starting Over” After Divorce

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And that's an act of self love. You know, thinking about in our lives, just small moments of self love. Self love is saying no.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Earn your happy podcast. Don't forget that I have a coupon code for you for glossy summer is coming and if you want to hydrate and feel freaking amazing, you should check it out. It is 25% off@getglocee.com that's G E T T-G-L-O C I dot com. You need to kick those old hydration sticks out of bed because this is so much more than just expensive salt and sugar, you guys. This is game changing for your skin, your gut and your hydration. And if you only do one good thing for yourself a day, let it be this. So today on the show I have the incredible Krista Williams. You guys, I got to meet her so many years ago, I think it was like eight years ago at a soul cycle class. And her partner in this book and Also on the Almost 30 podcast was Chris and I's soul cycle instructor for a few years, like two to three times a week. And she was absolutely amazing. Her name is Lindsay Simcik and I remember when Krista came to one of her classes and I had heard that they were like friends and they were starting a podcast together. And when I met her, it was like I instantly loved her. Her energy is so good. She's such a girl's girl. I was like, this Girl is freaking amazing. And so looking back on everything that they've is so freaking impressive, you guys. So Krista Williams is the co host of the top health and wellness podcast, Almost 30, which has over 120 million downloads. You guys, that's nuts. She's a public speaker, retreat facilitator, and creator of Metamorphosis, a body transformation program and the life edit, a total life transformation. And get ready for this conversation because we talked about everything from her decision to freeze her eggs to navigating friendships and rediscovering her voice after divorce. We also talk a lot about the pressure of feeling like you need to arrive by a certain age and having these massive expectations on our timeline in order to feel successful. And we talk all about the messy middle of transformation. And I know you guys always love a good conversation about navigating friendships. And we get into how we both built friendships that have lasted and really talking about her version of a friendship audit. So if you've been questioning what's next, if you feel behind this conversation is for you and tag Krista and I on Instagram because we always love hearing if these conversations hit home. And you guys, I'm so grateful for you. So let's get into the show. Krista, welcome to the earn your happy podcast. Thank you so much for coming back on.

Yes. Right.

Wasn't it years ago?

It was, I think 20. 20. 2020 or 2021. 2019. 2019.

It had to be because I feel like it was at my house.

It was that. It was at your house. Yeah. And then you came on ours.

Yeah.

At that time. And then I think for Tribe called Bliss.

Oh my gosh. We're so much more mature and, well, just grown women.

I feel like I just care so much less. I feel like the way that I cared during that time was on a just a 10. And now I'm just like, whatever, man.

Isn't that the best?

The best. Getting older is the best.

It's the mo. It's literally the most freeing. That's why. And it's really cool because now that I'm in my 40s, I've actually lost track of even like, I. I can't tell how old people are anymore. Which is also weird because I'll like meet a 30 year old and be like, do you want to hang out? And they're like, you're old. And I'm like, what? Wait, what is going on?

My friends laugh because everywhere we go, we'll be out. And I'm like, how old do you think we are? Like, I'll talk to people. Like, so. So if you. If you just met us, like, how old. How old do you think we are? Like, 20, 30, 40? Like, that's my, like, favorite question also, too, because I don't know if you're experiencing this, but I'll see people in the range of what people look like and how old they are. Like, some people will be 30 and they look 45.

Totally.

Some people will be 45 and they look 25. So there's just this weird thing happening where time is being bent or something, but no one looks like their age.

We also live in California and completely. Yeah, because when I go back to the Midwest, I'm like, oh, yeah, got it.

Yeah. No, same. I know. I, like, I see my. I see my people when I'm back home in Ohio, I'm like, yeah, that's what that age looks like. I remember I was in Mexico recently, or I know I was somewhere recently on a trip, and I was like, wow, this is what no plastic surgery world is like. I was like, whoa.

You just get desensitized 100%.

You.

Yeah, you just think everybody has really full lips and long blondes here. And I'm like, wow, okay, gotcha. It's not like. It's not like that everywhere. Okay. You have been writing a book.

Writing a book.

You have been on the book journey, and the book journey is no joke. Like, when people tell me they want to write a book, I'm like, do you really want to write a book? Because, number one, you're not even going to make it to the end if you don't want to write a book, because you have to really want it for so many reasons.

Yeah, I think it's a lot like, maybe I don't know this. Maybe I will know this. But like, motherhood, where you're like, yeah, I want to have kids. And then you have kids, and you're like, I didn't even understand what was going on. And writing a book is a whole process. And I remember people like you would tell us, you know, it's a thing. Are you guys ready? And, you know, we felt ready. I feel happy about it. But I think what's applicable to the audience is just whenever you have a big project or something that you've really dreamed of that you're going for in life, how many things can come up in that process? And I think for us, I'm so proud of the book. It's better than I could have ever imagined. I'm so hard on myself, and I just absolutely adore it. And whenever you're doing something where you're putting yourself out there, where you're being visible, you're being seen, you're using your voice, so much will come up for you, especially if you're a woman. So much fear, so much mindset stuff, so many of the voices and narratives. So I've been really struggling to be honest mentally with kind of the conversations in my head and that inner critic and that perfectionist part of me that's really been very loud during this time when I know I'm expanding and growing. And so the louder for me the fear is or the bigger the fear is, the bigger the up level opportunity. I know that this is such an up level opportunity. I know this is such a space for me to really step into. But when we're at that point, the voices are going to be the loudest.

Okay, so what are some of the things? Because I know for me, like, there would be some days I would write, I had stints of where I would write. So I was like, oh, this coffee shop is working for me. Thank God. Because, you know, sometimes I'd write at home. It wouldn't work at all. Like, you just like hit walls, you can't think of things. So I remember these different points where I was going every day to this coffee shop and I heard this habit, like, just make your chair hit the back, you know, at like, it's a habit like at 1pm and then don't get up until like 4 or 5pm and I'm like, great. And it sort of worked for me. It sort of didn't work. But with that said, I remember some days coming home and being like, oh my God, I'm a genius. I'm the best writer ever. Which was so rare, by the way. But then other days, coming home and being like, I have nothing good to say. I'm a total loser. Like, I'm a fraud and I suck. Like, I have no good stories. Like, it just feels like you have no good stories.

I think that was something I'm really learning about in this process, I think, because I work with speakers too, and it's like we have so much gold inside of us, but we haven't taken the time to sit and mine and excavate. So for me, I was like, I just, I. I don't think I have any interesting stories. I don't think there's anything interesting about my perspective. So so much of my process was like, what are the defining moments of My life. What are the stories that seem mundane but are relatable? Oftentimes, speakers share stories that are very mundane, but they're very relatable. You know, it's like the simplest things. Brene Brown is an example. Like, many of her stories are very simple about family, very simple about the home, but they're just very relatable, and they hit on the point. And so I had to give myself so much permission in the process of, like, allowing myself to be okay with simple stories and being okay with simple things that really drive the point home but are my truth. But in the process of writing, you know, it's funny, and I don't know how. I'm curious of how your promotion process was. The writing process for me was a joy. I had the best time sitting at home in my pajamas, being a little slob, you know, just not being bothered. No one's bothering them. A little book slob. I'm just snacking. I'm hanging out. And I didn't force myself to write every day. I was the procrastinator. Our editor was like, yo. Like, I would be like, all right, you have like, 5,000 words. I'm like, cool, Give me a day. And I'd have to wait. And I would just let it all come out and then move through it. So I never forced myself to do it. That's just not how I work. But what's been challenging for me, where the mindset stuff has come up is on the marketing promotion. And I think you're so good at that. Like, you're so good at networking relationships. Like, that's such a beautiful skill of. Of yours. For me, I can go internally. I think I'm a genius again. I'm like, oh, yeah. But then when I have to go and ask for help or receive or, you know, put myself out there, that's where I get really stuck. And that's where I found the biggest challenge.

So, like, what's going on in your head when you do that?

Here's a.

You did. You got to be the book slob. You crushed it. Now you're like, in the marketing portion.

Yeah.

What is actually happening in your brain?

So in my brain, and I don't know if people can relate. I have this pre disappointment syndrome where I'm disappointed before. It already happens.

Interesting.

I have this part of me that is just already. It already isn't working. It's already not going. You know, we knew it wasn't going to work. Kind of pre disappointment. So that's one of them and then it's also receiving. So many women have struggle with receiving, struggle with first asking for help and then second receiving that help. And I think in the process of a book, it's fully about cashing in on the chips, on the relationships that you have, on the people that you've developed connections with. And you really, really, truly have to ask people for help. You have to be clear. You have to be upfront. And so being able to take time to do that has been really hard for me, because normally I'm someone that tries to give as much as I can or support other people, or I just am not usually in the phase of receiving, so receiving has been challenging. And then I think, third, I have such big expectations for myself in my life, and I think the people that I compare myself to are people that have been doing this for twice as long, you know, have twice as many sources. I know you're. We. We probably compared to the same people, to be honest, but it's like, you know, you're just comparing yourself to people. Yeah, literally. I'm like. Everyone knows. I'm like. It's just people that are way ahead of me, and that's okay that they're ahead of me. It's. It's fine. But I just find myself seeing that and just getting really disheartened with it.

Mm. Where do you think the expectation of already being disappointed, like. Or not working, where do you think that came from? Have you sat with that?

Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing with me. I'm gonna sit with it all. But, yeah, that part of me, it's a protective part. So I practice something called internal family systems. It's a psychotherapy technique, which I love. So I really work in parts. So whenever I'm talking about a feeling, I often pull it as a part. So there's a part of me that believes that to keep myself safe, I have to say that I'm disappointed already. Instead of having that expectation and being let down.

Got it.

So it perceives that it's easier to say, hey, it's not going to happen. Don't worry about it. We should just move on. It never happens. Instead of having the hope, is it.

Because it feels embarrassing in front of people if you don't hit it?

Yeah, of course. Yeah. I would say embarrassing. I would say that there have been many moments in my life where I have hoped and it hasn't happened. And then I also think that it validates the belief that I'm not successful. So I think a Lot of people have beliefs that they have that are limiting beliefs that are these, you know, neural pathways that exist in their mind that they had from a young age. One of mine is that I'm not successful. I have this belief that I'm not successful. And so to validate and confirm that belief in my reality, I will be disappointed in advance. So oftentimes with these beliefs, we want to validate it in our reality. The belief is so strong that instead of the conscious mind being like, I want to be successful, we truly want to validate that. So I think I just believe I'm not successful to be. To be honest.

Did you. Was there something growing up that it wasn't good to be successful or that.

It was really good to be successful? It was really good, and it was never successful enough.

Oh, yeah. Interesting. Coming from, like, parents or all around you?

Parents and all around me. That's how success was money, success was safety. Success was being seen. And also on the other side of it, you know, there is a really soulful, spiritual part of me that came here for a mission. Like, I'm here to do good. I'm here for God. I'm here for goodness in God. So there's also that part of me that desperately really wants to make my life meaningful and live a life of purpose and do big things and share whatever I'm being called to share by God. So that is the truth, and that is the beauty of it. But then on the other side of it, the shadow side of it is that, you know, I desperately want to be successful for that thing. So there's kind of this, like, you know, there's this kind of paradigm thing that can happen with people where they're like, I don't believe I'm successful, but I know I want to do good and I want to do big things.

Okay, so this. So this makes me think about how you feel about purpose.

Yeah.

Because purpose can be so, like, purpose can feel so connected. How do you to success? How do I see purpose?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Let's go there. Yeah. Purpose to me now, I think you create it all the time. I think you have to keep creating it till the day you die or you're gonna die of not having a purpose. Like, I just think that we have to wake up every day and create our purpose. Because I, you know, I had an interesting trajectory of, like, growing up with nothing and then getting the wild ride of network marketing and exploding with network marketing, going to having everything to, like, such an excess. At a certain point in Our life that we just. At that point, if we would have been crazy smart with our money, we would have never had to work again. So that the reason I'm sharing that is because I got to a place where we could wake up and do whatever we wanted. And we did that for maybe, oh, my gosh, we still didn't do it because we were still helping people. Like, we didn't do whatever we wanted. But even just having a little bit to do every day was not enough to feel fulfilled. And I remember struggling in that period of my life that was like, mid-30s and going, Whoa, there is, like, there is so much more to life than this. And yet feeling like I couldn't be the vessel yet to, like, say that because I was in my mid-30s. But then having to unpack and unravel all of what that meant, because purpose is like, you truly have to come here and figure out how, like, what your gifts are and how to use them every single day in a way that makes you feel fulfillment no matter what is coming in. Because it's really bizarre that you also, like, then you can get to a place in your life where maybe then you need money again or whatever that looks like. You have to find the driver of why you're gonna fulfill these big purposes that I believe we have. Then you have to figure out the drivers in your life without getting so attached to the. The meaning behind them, which is the whole thing is up and amazing and beautiful. But I think that you're gonna have, you know, depending on who you are, I feel like we're gonna have five, 10, 20, 30 different purposes. I think there's, like, a core. I think there's core purposes, but then I think they're going to be in so many different arenas.

Yeah, that is so beautiful. Clip it. Clip that.

I was like, clip that. What about you? Like, where are you sitting right now when you think of purpose?

So I believe we were born for purpose, on purpose. I believe we have purpose. And I believe the quest and conversation around purpose is one of the deepest spiritual questions we could ask. Like, what are we doing here? Why am I here? And that is not a light question to think about that. And so I think the pain that people feel around purpose is so warranted and so valid. And for me, just my journey till where I'm here now was so painful around purpose. I was just driven insane by the desire to find my purpose and desire to find out why I was here. And it was something that caused me anxiety and depression. And when I found almost 30. I really felt like I found my purpose. And then you find that, and then you realize that there's more purposes to be found. I think for me right now, what I'm really trying to do with purpose is I'm really trying to surrender as much as possible. I'm really, really, really deeply in a practice of trying to surrender for what God wants for me. Because I feel like I've lived many purposes. Teacher, healer, coach, podcast host, CEO, you know, but those are all, like, identities, you know, as part of it. And I think that there's like a true essence within us that's like our actual, like, reason. So your true essence could be like mystic rebel, or like Sacred Heart, or like earth angel, or like something that's a little bit more spiritual and tender, that's outside of identities and labels. And so I'm really trying to get to the core of, like, how can I surrender more to be more in service to something that's greater than me, that's going to be more fulfilling to the world and more fulfilling to myself?

Do you think people struggle with purpose? Because. And, you know, I'm thinking of, like, myself and my journey as well. Do you think they struggle with purpose? Because, I mean, life is.

It's.

It's hard out there for a lot of people. Yeah, it's getting more and more expensive everywhere. It's hard to. I hate even saying the words hard, but like, attaching our purpose to also money and making a living, of course. So those lines get really, really blurred on, like, man, you know, I'd love to be living my purpose, but I also need to be paying for these things. Or, you know, and then sometimes people can get really confused because they attach their purpose to making money, and all of a sudden you start to hate. So called perfect. So how have you. Have you struggled with any of those things as well?

Yeah, I think, you know, that's the thing. It's almost like sometimes purpose and thinking about it's almost like a luxury. You know, if you're someone that's working.

So true.

You know, if you're someone that's really struggling, you're working. You know, I'm from Ohio, like, small town. If that's your life and you are working 60 hours a week, 80 hours a week, you're a truck driver, you're, you know, working at Starbucks, whatever. Like, you're not thinking about purpose, you're thinking about survival. And so it is a gift to ponder the purpose. It is a gift to think about why we're here. And for anyone that you know is at the point where they're probably just getting by, purpose might not be the conversation for them, because you need to be at a place where you're out of survival mode to think about, like, why you're spiritually here and sort of a mission beyond survival, you know, survival and. Or like the purpose is more like the thriving state of things. It's more like that next step. And I think we're really lucky in the west that we have so much brain space and opportunity and. And luxury to think about why we're here and what we're doing. But I think for most people, they tie purpose to money. And it is true that if you're in your purpose, you'll make more money, but it doesn't mean that if you're on your purpose, money is going to be what you want. And I found that the more spiritually connected I've been and the more whole I've felt and the more I've loved myself, I think less about purpose, and I think more about alignment, and I think more about peace, and I think more about presence. Because I think when I think about purpose, I think about something outside of myself where I'm like, what is that? How am I going to do this thing? Or how am I going to, you know, fulfill this goal? But it's like right now, I think this. The space that I'm in with my journey. I just need to really go inward to focus on how aligned I can be.

So what's feeling good for you right now? And I will.

Let's.

We can also. I'm fully aware you're in book launch right now. Things feel to anyone who's not done it before.

Yeah, you're.

There's no other way to say, like, you're. You're on the playing field. You're in battle.

Yeah.

You are literally in battle every day. Like, how do I get this out? How do I make sure at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, I feel like I left it all on the table. Like, I did all the things that I possibly could to get this book out. Because you worked on it forever.

Yeah, you work on it.

It's. It's like, you know, up till right now, it's like your life's work. A lot of it is in your stories. So it's important to push that out to the world and market it and do the things. But what are you feeling if you could pull yourself out of where you're at?

Yeah.

What are you Feeling is like, what's the purpose for you right now? Like, where are you feeling most called and what's bringing you the most fulfillment?

I think I work with women, so my work is with women. You know, almost 30 is a community of women. And then also with my retreats and my coaching and the programs that I do, it's with women. And I think what's really just keeping me up at night and something that I see with so many women is just this general lack of self love and a deep desire to do more in life, to be more of who they are, to acquire all the spiritual knowledge, all the wellness knowledge, all of the things, but yet at the expense of loving themselves less. And I feel like I just so desperately want people to find peace and wholeness within themselves and. And if that's going to be through parts work, if that's going to be through therapy, if that's going to be through healing retreats, that's going to be whatever. I think our whole life begins on the other side of accepting ourselves and like being okay with who we are and being at peace with who we are and having that peace within our bodies and then our mental health. So I think I'm really just noticing that as a trend among women that are doing so much, that are burning themselves out, that are responsible for that, are oftentimes breadwinners. A lot of the women I work with are breadwinners. You know, statistically speaking. Scott Galloway has really good work on this, but he talks about how women are now more college educated, they now are out earning men, they're more emotionally intelligent than men, and they're sort of outpacing men in a lot of different ways. So not only are they loving themselves less, but they're doing more. And it just is really this sort of thing that I'm really curious about and working with them on and in desperate desire for these women that are doing so much for themselves in the community to like actually take a second to like love themselves a little bit.

More, that's such a. And I, I know it's the eternal question, like, well, how do you like, how do you love yourself? And I love what you're doing with retreats because for me, a lot of my journey of figuring that out, which. I'll be on it till I die, by the way.

I know, I know, Trust me.

I have days where I'm like, no, I'm good. Oh my God. Then the next day I'm like, who is this troll who does nothing?

Yes.

Yeah, it's Crazy. It's much. I mean, it's much better now. But I'll tell you, one of the biggest things that helped me.

Yeah.

Was my girlfriends. My.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like my friendships have been one of the biggest things that have helped me love who I am. It's almost like the more close friends that I have, the more I just stop, like. It's like I stop caring about the things I normally care about. They even make me feel more beautiful in a way that is not like, specifically. Oh, I feel more beautiful because of them, but because I'm around more women who I like who I am around.

Yes.

Like, I'm in a place in my life right now where I'm not gonna chase a friend or a girlfriend. And if I don't like who I am around you, I'm like, I actually can't do it anymore because I have to like me. Like, I have to like who I am.

Yes. And that's. And that's an act of self love, you know, thinking about in our lives, just small moments of self love. So self love is saying no. Self love is not pursuing a friend that's not pursuing you. Self love is choosing to be in reciprocal relationships and friendships, and self love is choosing to surround yourself with women that inspire you, that excite you, that love you, that see you, that, like, cheer you on. And I think so many women right now are in relationships with other women that maybe aren't fulfilling or maybe aren't inspiring or maybe aren't necessarily at the place that they want to be. But when you get to that point where you're in really amazing reciprocal relationships, I mean, that has healed me more than any relationship with a man. I was married, too, and my relationship with Lindsay, as an example, like, having someone that I've gone through really hard things with, building a business, dealing with money, being public figures, and being able to have conflict repair. You know, that's like. I think for me, and I think for a lot of people, what builds relationships that are strong is not just gassing you up, not just, like, you know, liking your Instagrams and sharing your stories. It's like actually being able to go through it with someone.

Yes.

And be yourself as a sovereign being and being like, hey, I love you so much. This really bothered me when you said that. Like, are you available to talk about it? Like, that builds intimacy because you're like, oh, I can actually express. Express all of me. And not just, like, the perfect sides of me, because I felt like, you know, the last thing I Was in relationships where I was performing, I'm the best friend. I can do this for you. You know, always be available, always hype you up, always like, you know, self erase for you. And like when I actually started to show up and express my truth, you kind of lose friends and that's really normal. It's still painful, but I think real deep, intimate relationships happen with them seeing you truly as the amazing person you are and also going through conflict repair.

Oh my God. I think it's. I think. What did you call it? Conflict repair.

Like conflict repair cycles.

Repair cycles. Oh my God. That. When I can think of the girlfriends I'm closest to, it's been because we've like hit a wall.

Yep.

Something happened where you can choose to swipe right on the relationship. Is that right? The swipe right make you not in a relationship or does it make.

I wasn't on that one.

I'm like, I don't know which way you swipe when you double click the relationship when you don't like it. You guys have been married way too long. I haven't been on the apps because, you know, when you look at even, even in my marriage, like, it's like the harder the things that we've gone through, the closer we're getting.

Yes.

And one of my girlfriends in particular, like, we've been through some stuff and we're the closest because we've been through some stuff. And I think it's making me sad for like the generations below us because nobody, it's like they think that when you hit a conflict that they should know better or they shouldn't have been this way or why were they like this or. And that is going to keep us so lonely and depressed and hating ourselves. Because I really do believe we find how to love ourselves through relationships.

I love the comment of lonely. I think that's so real. And I noticed that in the generation too, where they're like, you're toxic, you're a narcissist, I'm cutting you out, gotta protect my peace, all these things. And of course I'm talking about nuance. We're talking about nuance here. But it's like to not be lonely is to be seen and to be imperfect. I am so grateful when my friends show me who they really are, when they're pissed, when they're upset, when they're angry, when they're frustrated. Like, I had a friend the other day, she's like, hey, I don't think I can go on our walk. I'm like, oh, why? And she's like, I just don't feel like myself. I don't feel good. I don't feel all these things. I'm like, great, I get to love you as a person. Like, I don't want you to feel like you have to be happy and perfect all the time. And when we can really truly love others in that way, we can love ourselves in that way. And I think going through things like you did with your husband, you were talking about, like, those develop the deepest bonds. And I want people to have deep bonds. And it doesn't mean you're fighting with your friends all the time or you have issues, but it means you're expressing yourself truthfully. They're holding and seeing you and witnessing you expressing themselves truthfully. And you guys are coming to a place of mutual respect and understanding and an ability to really honor the person that you are and the person that they are and then move forward.

For somebody listening, how do they know when to move forward with something in a friendship? Because I had one fairly recently with one of my closest friends and I was so hurt that, like, my old wounds were so. Were blinding me so much that I was like, oh, this is where it ends. And I was like, well, that was a fun, you know, six year run. And like, I was so incredibly hurt that it truly brought up everybody. Everything in that moment of like, this one really feels like I can't get over it.

So did you express that to her? Were you in?

I ended up expressing it and it brought us way closer together and it was very, like, understood. And she was like, I need to know all of it. You need to tell me, like, every last. Which I think that's. So here's the thing is that if she wouldn't have done that, like, invited me into that, I don't know what I would have done. I think I would have run the other way.

Yes.

So how can we not lose our friendships?

I think that's such a great point to even bring up for the audience of the Tell me more. Oh my God, tell me more. But that's someone that is emotionally regulated, emotionally mature. So what's happening in that situation is she's here and the problem is outside of her. Okay, wow, we're both looking at this. What is that? What were you feeling like? I'm not taking personally what came up for you. Yeah, I can work and change what. What I did. We can work on things. But I'm just like, wow, because I'm seeing you as, you know, I. With parts Work. I always see everything in parts. So what happened in your situation and scenario that's happened to me many times is you have a protective part that's like red alert. She, I, we've done this before. We've had girls talk about us. We've had girls betray us. We've had this happen. We cannot have this happen again. We need to eject. We need to leave the situation and scenario. I think my first step in your scenario would be to go to a therapist or friend and just let it rip. I do this with my friends all the time. I'm like, hey, I need 10 minutes to rip. And that is allowing me to be imperfect, unprocessed. Just to say all the things like this, she did this to me. I hated that she did this. Allowing yourself to fully feel and move that emotion and energy is instrumental because then you can actually find the truth. I'm not going to fake it. I'm not going to front it. So then once I've processed that, I can go to the truth of like, okay, what am I noticing here? I'm noticing this is coming up for me. Betrayal. I'm noticing competitions coming up for me. I'm noticing, you know, dishonesty is coming up for me. What about me is bringing that up? So I would say, okay, I remember when that one friend in fourth grade, she told everyone this. I remember these things happen. I'm processing all of that myself before I'm going to the friend to tell my friend what happened. So then when I'm going to my friend, I'm like, hey, all of this came up for me. I was noticing this, this, and this because of this situation. I want to, like, bring you in to my process. I want to bring you into what came up for me. Because that's going to allow more intimacy to be created where you're like, again, the problem's here. You know, that's the famous thing. Jay Shetty also talks about it where it's like, us versus the problem. I'm noticing this thing happened. It was so weird. I just felt so much fear because I felt like you were being competitive with me, you know, when you said that. And I know for me, back when I was in third grade, all the girls were competitive with me. And I just have this story about that, and it's. I'm really struggling. Can you help me? Some things I love to say are, can you help me see the truth? I love, can you help me see the truth? Because right. In that case, you know, I'm just using as an example, because you shared it. And your example, because of the protector parts, you're not seeing the truth. No. And the truth is that she didn't understand. You don't. There's a miscommunication here. So when you ask someone, help me see the truth, I'm seeing my perspective. What's yours? I also love the story that I'm telling myself. The story that I'm telling myself is great, because then you're like, the story I'm telling myself is that you are competitive with me and you don't care about me and that you don't care about our friendship. And someone that your friend is going like, whoa. Like, that's. Thank you for sharing that. Like, now I can understand you more. And then as a third thing, what I love to do in these scenarios, to not lose friends, I love to add security statements. Security statements are huge. I do them with my team, I do them with my partners, I do them with my friends. So whenever I have something to talk about with someone, it's really important that you kind of create that security at the beginning. So if I was to come to you and be like, hey, Lori, when you said this, it really upset me, and it just really bothered me. And I really think that you're being competitive with me. The way that you're going to show up is so different than, like, lori, I love you. You've been an amazing inspiration in my life. You've done so much for me. You've done so much for other women. Our relationship means so much to me. And what came up for me recently when you said this was this, you're gonna respond 80 billion times better.

Yeah. The first one you shut down. The second one, you're open and you're.

Giving both of you the opportunity to show up as your best self. If I'm bringing security statements, I'm validating what's true. Your relationship means a lot to me. This means a lot to me. So in that firm understanding of what's true, this person isn't gonna react defensively. They're gonna react openly. And it's going to create such a greater space for opportunity for you to have these deep, meaningful friendships. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. The statement of even just, what story?

Oh, yeah, the story are we telling?

That one was so powerful, we ended up there. And it was so helpful because we were both able to see how we actually both, like, essentially called that in together. So we could even heal something even deeper in both of us. Because what was happening on her end is her wanting to please me by doing something was keeping her in the cycle of people pleasing and her actually having to show up in the way that she did that disappointed me so much, was like the world's most perfect lesson for me. And then it was perfect for her on having to disappoint someone.

Yes.

Oh, I mean, it was magical.

And that's the thing that. That's conscious relationships. You know, conscious relationships is taking full responsibility. Every you statement could be an I statement from, like, you are being this. It could be I'm feeling that you're. There's something come up that, you know, I'm experiencing you this way. And so when we can kind of pull the thing outside of ourselves, we can use I statements we can regulate before we can see it as an opportunity for deepening. That's when life gets so good, and that's when you feel truly supported and truly seen. Because I think most of my life with my female friendships, like, I didn't. I now know how surface we were. And I felt like by telling us secrets, by telling you every detail of my sex life and my dating life and all the stories of my parents and, you know, all this stuff that we were close, but it's like, no, like, when there's a risk is when you get close because you telling your friend that that's a risk, you could lose the friendship. Something can happen. So when you have a risk and you guys meet the risk and then you choose to continue to move forward, that's when you get the best friendships.

And it's like. It's like nothing I can even tell you. If you haven't experienced. If you haven't experienced it yet, it's so worth it. But the. The experience of getting there is scary. It's risky. And yeah, you. You do lose some people.

Yeah.

Like, you lose some people.

Yeah. And I'm sure you've lost people. I've lost people. And for me personally, there hasn't been one friendship that I've lost that was not on purpose. Totally every one of them. There's friendships I think about still that I'm like, wow, that was. I loved them like that. That was hard and challenging. But for all the women that are struggling with losing friends because they're changing and evolving, or maybe their priorities are changing, they have more on their plate, or maybe they're just not the same person. Just trust that even if you're in a void period, you will be aligning the more aligned friendships and you are just in a period to be Sculpted to have the friendships that you deserve.

What would you say to someone who is searching for those friendships? Like, what actually goes into building these? Because one of the biggest things when I put my book out is they would be like, okay, I tried this, and it didn't work. Like, they would try maybe one or two things. Like, okay, I tried to have these conversations, or I tried to invite people, or I tried to do this thing. Like, what has the process of building really good female friendships Because I feel like you have really great women around you. What has that actually looked like?

It looks like a lot of trial and error. It looks like a lot of friendships that go. I think for me, there was a clearing period. So I think the first step for women listening is, like, you might have a clearing period. I had to let go of the unaligned friends.

So, like, you were kind of alone. Were you kind of alone for a little while? For the most part, yeah.

It was like. It was a shedding. Like, I remember at one period in my life, my three best friends, you know, we had all, like, a falling out at the same time, and I was like, oh, there's three pillar friendships in my life. And now I see why. The patterns that we were in. So just know that, like, being. First of all, being alone is better than being with people that you don't align with. You need to make space to be with relationships that you're aligned. Second, I think is becoming the friend that you want to have. So you need to become the woman that you want to be friends with. That means you're loving, compassionate, kind, powerful, funny, cool, whatever your priorities are. I had to become a person that I wanted to be friends with myself. I love being with myself. I'm like, I'm my own best friend, and the way that I can love and be with myself is the way that I can love and be with others. So loving myself was a second thing. And I think the third thing was having one friendship I could have as, like, my playground. And that might be your best friend, too, that you were talking about, But Lindsay's my practice place. She's my place where I can be my full self, where I can express everything. She's always gonna be available when I call. We can go through hard times. We can have conflict rupture, and then she serves as a template for my friendships moving forward. Not that everyone needs to be Lindsay, but I'm like, do you make me feel safe? I know what safety is now. Do you make me feel seen? I know what being seen is. Now, do you know how to handle these conversations? I know what that is now. And then, as a fourth thing, I think understanding who your friends are and just accepting them as that. And so let me explain that a little bit, right? I'm like, I have a friend. I have a dear friend, just gets so anxious. She's anxious. She changes her mind all the time, yet she thinks she's a chill person. She's like, I'm chill, but is anxious and changing her mind all the time. I know this about her, and I accept it, and I love it. And I'm like, that's how she is. I'm not gonna change it. I'm not gonna get annoyed about it. That's how she is. I have other friends that are, like, incredibly. They just are, like, always picking things apart and always judgmental. That's how they are. And so you truly just not having the idea that something's wrong with your friends, you need to change them. You're better than them. Literally seeing it as, like, a character aspect of them and just accepting it.

I love that because I. I think that we can look. Or what I used to do is. Is look at certain friend circles, and you just make up stories. You make up stories that it must all be perfect. They must all have the best time. They never disappoint each other. They always support each other. They must help grow each other's businesses. They must just braid each other's hair and have the best slumber parties. Yeah, all the things. And now I'm like, oh, no. There's, like, a whole lot of that. You disappoint each other. You make plans, maybe they're broken, People's hopes are up. Like, just so many things that you have to decide what you.