One Thing I Look for In Expansive Relationships

Having to really know your own value and be okay with whatever that is in these relationships where you are with very incredible human beings who have high expectations on themselves. Sometimes we're gonna feel like we're really low. We're not having a great month. We're not having a great year. Like, how do we show up in those relationships still and still feel valuable?

We have something so exciting for you today. Excited.

There's two of us.

Take one wild guess who these two voices are.

I bet you don't know. Welcome to another quickie. I feel like I have to say my.

No, it's a quickie. But now Powerhouse Women has a quickie.

Yeah. So we're both doing quickies. Welcome to the double quickie, which it's going to be double the fun. And Lindsay and I, per usual, come up with all of the content when we're together. So we decided that this was a topic that we wanted to share with you guys.

I know. And it has been a while since we have gotten to just drop in. In like we have four uninterrupted days together and just such a reminder of prioritizing this time with girlfriends to just really get clear on your vision. We've been having walks. We've been talking about content. I feel like we both are just so filled up by this time together.

You had mentioned yesterday something that was such a good point. And we were talking about different friendships that we have in our lives. And, you know, you were talking about someone in particular. I'm thinking about someone in my head in particular. And sometimes it's like maybe you're not as close to a certain person or you could get close to someone or you want to be closer to someone just because you haven't spent enough consistent time together, like, in a row. And so that's why I love that we prioritize these times where we have either like two nights or three days or even four days. I know not everybody can squeeze that out, but it's almost like you bond in what would take normal time of dinners and cocktails or whatever, coffees. Like in a year like you. You compact that time down because there's things come up in three to four days that would never, ever come up. Like in just coffee or dinner. Yeah.

It's been. I feel like I missed it so much, so I'm so happy.

We have to always make sure we do this.

So many downloads. And we wanted to share this kind of. This new term we coined.

We coined with it that we love is secondhand expectation.

Now What's a secondhand expectation?

It's like secondhand smoke, but kind of the opposite. Because it's good for you, because you are affected. You're going to be affected by it. So I think when we were first talking about the secondhand expectation can sound like someone else has expectations on you and for you. But what it is is it's the idea of when you hang around people who have high expectations for themselves, not for you. In fact, a lot of these people who have high expectations for themselves actually have no expectations for you necessarily. They're more consumed about making sure that they are doing the things that they said, following through with their word, holding themselves to a standard. And so secondhand expectation, when I have found those people who have high expectations on themselves, you rise to the occasion or you rise to the expectation of what that person has for themselves. And I think this is where it gets a little, like, sticky and tricky, is how we kind of, like, take that on and decide what that means. Because I know that there have been certain times where I've hung around people who have very high expectations on themselves, and I kind of have made them bad. I'm like, oh.

Or I get, like, super triggered.

Yeah.

It's like holding up a mirror of what it does is it holds up a mirror to where there is more for me. And it typically only triggers me if it's an area of my life where I really desire more. And maybe I'm entertaining, like, bad habits or just not setting that high of an expectation or making excuses or not prioritizing that area. So I think it was interesting as we were unpacking this, because it's one of the reason we both love masterminds. We love hosting them, we love attending them, because you find these people. And some of my biggest expanders have been people that initially I noticed myself triggered by something in them that was awakening in me. The awareness that once you're aware that there's more, that's possible. And you even see, oh, this is how they live their life. This is why they have these. These results. Now, I can't unknow that. And so I think it. It kind of brings you to this decision point. You can either. And I would imagine most of you listening aren't this, because you are listening to podcasts, you are really pouring into yourself, you're committed to growth. But we probably have all experienced this where maybe you're the trigger for someone, and instead they really fall into the judgment or they try to talk you out of your expectations. You know, they do that either overtly saying, like, oh, aren't you just happy with what you have? Why do you have these huge goals for yourself? Or they'll sometimes even use humor or, you know, almost like, try to shame you out of your expectations, which is such a powerful opportunity to just ground back into them. So we can choose that route. We can choose to try and pull that other person's expectations down. Or this is the right choice, if you really want to grow, is you allow that. Even if it feels really uncomfortable, if there's some triggering emotions at first, that awareness that awakens in you, you allow it to pull you up. And every single time I've done that, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much, you know, I resist against it. That is where my life has transformed. And I can look back at my entire journey. We've done so many fun, like, living rooms, podcasts about our. Our growth journey, and almost every single one I can tie back to having a catalyst, someone who is a total expander for me. And what I was most expanded by is an area of life that I desire, something new. They have a different expectation for themselves.

I'm thinking about some different relationships that I've actually been really nervous to go into, and I'm trying to analyze right now if it's because I feel like they're holding that expectation on me. And I do feel like there are going to be friends who, like, we're going to want to be around them to obviously pull you up, and they're going to. They're going to push you and challenge you to be better. But I also think that we have to settle in somewhere. As long as you have high expectations for yourself in certain areas, that you are going to be valuable to them in different ways. So I'm kind of thinking of maybe a girlfriend who is just like a crazy fitness fanatic. And her level of expectation on herself is far different than I have right now. And that I want, like, I actually don't want that level of expectation for myself, but I love having that as a bar for me to look at. And what it does is it always makes me say, where is something that maybe I could tweak or incorporate that would feel good for me right now? And then there's also a place within this relationship. I'm thinking of one in particular where I'm like, okay, she brings so much value to my life, and if I'm not hitting this expectation for her, where's my value? Like, we're always kind of looking like, oh, God, do I offer this value back in these really like, kind of like these higher level, high expectation, I guess, for, you know, people. And I think it's like, it's another, like you said, it's another big mirror of looking at yourself and having to learn, like having to really know your own value and be okay with whatever that is in these relationships where you are with very incredible human beings who have high expectations on themselves. Because, Lynn, sometimes we're gonna feel like we're really low. We're not having a great month, we're not having a great year. Like, how do we show up in those relationships still and still feel valuable?

I think this is such an important conversation because what we really wanted to highlight from it was the. That's presented when we notice, when we put ourselves around people with expectations that are at a different level. And then I think how we bridge it with not letting that be a disempowering experience is being super honest. Also, like, I, I was so expanded by a lot of people last year and it wasn't my season to run. I could be expanded and see that, okay, there's going to be a season where I'm like really clicked into my vision for the business and I'm operating in that zone that I know I love to be in. And I can also honor that right now. It's a healing season for me. So I use that expansion as a reminder of what that energy feels like. And then just had so much grace for myself and compassion if I got into a comparison mode or what you're speaking to is like feelings of low self worth if I'm not quote unquote, keeping up in this current season. So I feel like that is such an important distinction to make because again, that triggering feeling, if we're not used to working with it, it can really awaken some of that negative self talk that is trying to convince you to keep your standards lower because that's more comfortable.

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So interesting. I was talking to some women who had started from my book A Tribe Called Bliss. They started their Bliss tribe, which is like, you know, whether it's three or four or five women, theirs is four. And I was talking to them and it's, you know, they had started it two years ago after they all read the book and they were talking about how all of them were in a, like a different group before, but the group wasn't able to. They said, it's so crazy how you kind of cycle through these people who can't show up to an expectation and then they talk themselves out of it and then they kind of like start talking bad about the group because the expectation felt like too much. And so I just thought that was such an interesting awareness of this exact conversation of they chose to be upset at the expectation of needing to show up for these meetings twice a month and staying accountable to it instead of going, okay, even, even if they didn't want to do it, like, okay, that's good for them. Maybe I'm not in that season yet, but it's okay for where they're At. And I think it's always just recognizing and knowing also that if you can keep those relationships in your life and look at them in a positive way, they eventually really will raise you up. Like, they're gonna pull you up because you're gonna think differently. You're gonna look at everything different.

Yeah. And as we talk about expectations, I think the biggest thing I've learned about having them for myself, having them for others is like, one of the biggest areas that causes upset is the feeling of having an unmet expectation, either of myself or others. And most often, when I check in with that expectation, the question I ask myself is, did we agree to this? Was the expectation overdue for being renegotiated? Do I need to re. Like, last year, I had to renegotiate my expectations of myself. Otherwise, we end up either trying to fit into what other people want for us, expect for us, or trying to keep up with people who are in a different season or, you know, the positive that we started with is we realize that, no, I am actually calling in more. And even though I feel this friction of the expectation that's being presented and shown to me as room for growth, you know, that's an opportunity for me in that moment to renegotiate my expectation and raise it, because I'm calling in more and I'm saying yes to that journey. So that's such an important dynamic to make sure. This, especially if you create accountability groups or I love, like the bliss tribes from your. From your book, is give yourselves the gift of coming together every, you know, three to six months, maybe every year, and just saying, hey, do we all still agree to these expectations that we set for the group and giving people full permission to be in a different season?

I love that. I've actually had that happen fairly recently, like, two years ago. It was, you know, a group of us that always got together, and it just started to not feel the way that we all intended it. Nobody was. Nobody was wrong, and nobody was bad. All lives were going separate ways where it no longer felt aligned to meet in the way that we were meeting. And it was like, full agreement of, hey, like, I actually think this is beautiful. I think that other group that you're feeling drawn to is because you're. You need to go in this direction. You need to be in those rooms with the people who want to do the things that you're wanting to do. And it was, like, the most adult conversation ever, which was pretty awesome.

Of.

Of, like, the energy is there. So you kind of know when it's starting to maybe not feel the way that you had. I expected it to feel or wanted it to feel. And let me tell you, if you're feeling that they're feeling it in some form. They're feeling in some form. So just like having a conversation around it is huge. Yeah.

I feel like if we kind of summarize all of this, it's, you know, expectations really can unlock the next level of growth. That's how you grow is you raise your standard of what you expect of yourself. And expectations are really meant to be something that has a conversation of agreement in order to whether that's between you and yourself, you and a mentor, you and a group of people who's holding you accountable. I think there has to be in. If I reflect back on how expectations have really served my growth, there's a buy in. There is a time period where I reevaluate those expectations, raise them where needed or renegotiate them. If I'm just actually not in a season where I can live up to what I thought and to realize that at the end of the day, this growth journey is never linear. There's been so. We've supported each other through so many different seasons. We've actually not very often are we actually in the same, completely go all cylinder smiling season, actually. Which, which is cool.

Which is interesting. I've never really realized that. But we have been in like opposite seasons quite a bit, which is also a gift. But that'll also be fun when we're both in the same season.

I'm sure it'll happen. It'll line up here and there and it's fun when it does. Yeah, but there's so much power even in. In this season. Coming out of a season where I wasn't able to live up to the same expectations of myself in the business, I'm finding small ways to start to engage that energy again. It didn't serve me to just set these unrealistic expectations January 1st, especially when I'm still coming out of like this. Like I was in like a deep freeze and you need to thaw a little bit before you just can expect yourself to operate at that same level. So I'm finding small ways to do it. I hired a new trainer and I'm just setting expectations for myself, like resetting the expectations, renegotiating them in the areas that I most want to grow. And I'm just allowing that to be in certain areas of my life. It'll spill over into the business for sure. But just noticing the change in one week of working out. So in this area, it's growing in my fitness with someone who is holding a higher standard for me, sees what I'm capable of. It's, you know, it's the reason we host masterminds, it's the reason we've invested in masterminds and the power of that, of. That's the one element we really didn't touch on is, is, you know, like engaging the help of someone who can see and hold that stand standard for you while you are building the muscle of holding yourself there.

You know what's been so cool about this, this season though that you're in is, is watching you through it and being with you through it is that you have been super communicative with your close friends with it. It's like, you know, here's where I'm at, here's where I feel vulnerable. I feel like I can't be this, like, do you still feel the same way about me? All of these different things and what's been so beautiful to witness is like, okay, we, we all feel that way. I love that you're putting words to it. And there's something really cool that happens in the friendship when someone is in a season where they can't. They're just not able to show up the way that they want to show up. Like when that's communicated, we get the opportunity or the people on the other side who maybe are in a more powerful season personally, where you actually kind of step up and you're like, oh, I got us. Like you can actually. And it feels good just to like sit and be a witness. And there is also like a beautiful part where you know, you've, you've just been such a good listener and you've just been such a good. As crazy as that might sound, you've been just such a good witness, like sometimes just to have someone witness you and be able to like, I still feel very free to be as up as I possibly want to be. Yeah, Like, I never felt like, oh, I gotta be, you know, I gotta lower how I feel because maybe she's not feeling great today. And I think that all requires so much communication. If you're gonna teach, you know, if you're gonna take these, these types of like up leveled friendships as well. Otherwise I think it's really easy for people. I know it's easy for me if I'm in a bad season to like not wanna be around those people because it's like you can kind of start separating yourself and then isolation is just. It makes it even worse. So I think communication is a key in all of your seasons. That's so good.

Yeah. And it has been. It's been an expansive season in such a different way than I've experienced before. And part of that is learning how to receive that support and give myself that grace and compassion and knowing that I'm going to have seasons. Like, I'm starting to feel it now, but after a year of ready to raise the expectations, ready to put myself in environments that do that. And so just also to speak encouragement to anyone who's still in a season that you aren't quite ready to raise the expectations on yourself, it's okay. Your season will come. I asked my therapist. She. She assured me that you get your spark back. We're clear. And I paid her, so she might have just said that because I paid her to say it, but, you know, I think it's true.

Exactly. Well, you guys were so grateful for you and Lindsay. Thanks always for sharing the quickie with me.

I just love. I love our quickies, and they're just the best.

And they're. They weren't very quick, but gotta get. All right, you guys, we're so grateful for you, and we will see you on the next episode.

Bye, everyone.