Overcome Resentment and Create Viral Content with Impact with Joy Harrington

You know, you have resentment when you have side effects, like low libido in your marriage, or you don't have drive or you don't have motivation or you feel really heavy. Resentment ultimately is stored, stale anger. I thought, oh, there's something wrong with the marriage. And then it was this big aha moment of like, no, this is my stuff coming out, if you will. And for a while, it was easy to be like, well, my resentment's his fault. Right?

Right.

But as I began to dig through it, I realized it was all dependent on my own internal story.

Hi, Joy. Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you for having me.

I'm so excited you're here and in person. I feel like this is. I mean, this is honestly so much better than Zoom.

I totally agree. This is my first one in person. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. It's a very. It's funny, in the beginning, things that I've noticed is, like, in the beginning, it feels a little more clunky just because you're dealing with, like, oh, you just, you know, saw this person, even if they're your friend for the first time and you're dropping in, but then once you're in it, it's like a flow, like no other experience. So I believe that's what's coming. That's what's coming for us. But I'm really, really excited to have you on. I know that we have gotten to be on each other's journeys for a while, and it's been so fun to watch just everything that you've done and also how much you've grown. Like, I know that we've both, you know, we've both been on our growth journeys, but it is so cool when you get to watch your friends. Like, all of a sudden, you're like, whoa, this is just so awesome. And, you know, you guys, what I'm talking about is just you've been able to grow so much, not only in your relationship, in your marriage, because I know that that's something we're going to talk about and in your family and in your business and in your. You've really exploded with how you've been able to go viral, with the content that you've created, and it's content that most people would not expect to go viral.

True, true. It was kind of. I found it by trial and error. Yes. If you will.

So, you guys, we're gonna talk all about resentment today, but also how resentment has helped explode her business. So this is such a fun, fun Topic of conversation. But let's talk about that. How have you become known as the resentment queen? Tell me why this is a thing.

That's a self acclaimed title. Let's just start with that. Well, it all began with my own journey and just healing my own marriage. I had hit a point in my marriage where I was resentful. I felt like I was growing, I was wanting more. I had started my personal development journey, I was starting other businesses, and I felt like we weren't going the same direction. And that created resentment within me. And I kept looking at him for everything he wasn't doing instead of appreciating who he was. And I kind of let that thought of, like, I'm doing all these things and you're not create a divide, create a lot of resentment. Not to mention, when you've been married for over a decade, I have to say, I feel like it's just easy to let the little things add up. So there was already resentment there. And we have a lot to our story, and I won't get into everything because that's too long. But we were working with a marriage coach and we were working on healing all of that. And it was such a big aha for me when the coach was asking me, like, what's underneath your resistance to like, wanting to try more in this relationship? And I was like, oh my God, I have resentment. And so as I worked through all of that, I was able to share some of my story with my audience. I'm a coach, or I have been a coach for the last few years. I coached a lot of women and. And I noticed the theme across the board. And there was one point in time where I was just sharing my story and I happened to talk about resentment. It's not like I planned it, but just I happened to touch on that and it resonated really hard with people. And I was surprised by that. And so I did it again. Like, I asked my audience for feedback and I even asked in my stories too. And people just wanted it. Like, they wanted content on it, they wanted a course on it. And I was like, what? Like, do I even have enough content for a resentment course?

I mean, I've got 40 years of it if you need some.

I know, right? So it just kind of came on organically because I had worked on my own stuff and I was sharing the journey along the way.

So when you talk about resentment, let's break that down. Like, what does that mean? What does that all cover?

So resentment, I feel like, is a pretty broad term. But you know you have resentment when you have side effects like. Like low libido in your marriage, or you don't have drive, or you don't have motivation or you feel really heavy. Resentment ultimately is stored, stale anger. And anger is very heavy. It's a very dense emotion. It sits in your body. If you don't process it physically, it actually sits in your body. It can create disease. We know this. There's a lot of studies that prove this. And so I just. For me, it came out with a lot of those areas that I mentioned above. I got an autoimmune disease. I had low libido in my marriage. I wasn't feeling excited, I wasn't feeling driven. And so I thought, oh, there's something wrong with the marriage. And then it was this big aha moment of like, no, this is my stuff coming out, if you will. And for a while, it was easy to be like, well, my resentment's his fault. Right?

Right.

But as I began to dig through it, I realized it was all dependent on my own internal story, because that's truly what drives resentment, is the meaning behind everything. And when we sit here being like, well, they're not showing up, therefore it means I'm alone in this marriage, or they're not doing this, therefore it means we can't go to the same place. We create our own resentment. We are, in a sense, choosing, like, a victim story. And it doesn't feel like a victim story because there are things they're doing or not doing that can contribute to the relationship. But anytime we're putting ourselves in a place of, like, I'm stuck because of this person, that's us choosing to be a victim because we're not truly stuck. We have a choice. And so for me, it was really empowering to realize I could change that story, and I could change how I was seeing him, and I could change my experience of him. When I began to flip that.

This is so good for anybody listening who, even if you don't have a partner, like, for me, I haven't had it as much in my romantic relationship, but I have had it in family. So trust me, I am tracking 110% on this. So anybody listening, whether you have a partner or not, you can apply it to, this can be a friend. This could be a teacher. This could be your mom. This can be someone in your family or your entire family. So let's dig a little bit more into that story in the lens. If you're like, no, I truly have been wronged Some people in their marriages are really their partner has. They have these. This evidence in front of them. Their partner has, you know, didn't tell them that they were. Had a gambling addiction and lost all their money.

They.

They cheated. They've been unfaithful for years. They're. They're not reliable. So there's so much resentment that they don't know even what to dig through to start working on themselves.

So first things first. I always tell people, you got to clear it out of your body physically, because you're not going to see clearly.

You're not.

Not even going to be connected to your true authentic voice if it's weighing you down. So I did a series of, like, somatic work with my coach, which is just working with the body to actually process. So a lot of us talk about things and we think that we're processing, but that doesn't actually move it through. So moving it through my body helped me to actually let go of a lot of the density and the heaviness. And then I could actually feel what was underneath, which is actually sadness or actually fear or actually I have a boundary that I would like to put in place or I have an ask that's a bigger deal than I thought it was. Like, it'll reveal to you what's actually underneath. Because resentment's ultimately showing us things about ourselves. It's showing us where we're not asking for what we actually want, where we're not placing a boundary where we need it, where we're maybe being hidden in something. Like we're not actually letting our true thoughts out, our true opinions out. So when we can connect to those things, we can actually then create change. We can choose to either live with it and tell ourselves a different story, or we can choose to ask for different and then take a new action.

You just made me really think about resentment. Comes from self betrayal. It's like an easy form of getting upset at someone else when you've betrayed yourself.

Correct.

Because it feels like they betrayed you.

Yes.

But it's because you did not have that boundary. You didn't stick to it. You let it be okay. You tolerated it. Oof.

Ooh. It's good.

It's like everyone in the Midwest. I grew up there. I'm allowed to say that. Okay, Just kidding, everyone. You know, I'm not kidding. Cause that was just me being passive aggressive. Okay, so let's talk. Let's. Let's dig into that. So now that. Now that we know that this is something that we've betrayed Ourselves on. There's a boundary that we need. We're becoming really aware more about ourselves. Do we deal with the relationship yet? Do we. Do we decide if we need to leave it or let go of it now or do we continue to work on ourselves until things become really clear?

Well, I always ask myself, is this a relationship I want to keep? Because if it's a relationship I actually want to keep and I want to move forward in, then that's going to require some conversations. If it's not a relationship I really care about investing in, then maybe I need to withdraw from the relationship. So it starts with that. And then we in our marriage made a list of our needs, our wants and our non negotiables. And that was really big for me because it was up to me to actually say what was non negotiable for me. And then I also was responsible for putting down what I would or would not do based on if that was met. So again, instead of sitting here being like, well, I can't make them change, so I'm just stuck. It was, no, I can't make them change. So. So therefore, am I willing to stay and put up with this or am I going to leave? So it's just facing those kinds of hard conversations and hard decisions within us. And I think this is applicable to anyone that you have resentment with. Is asking yourself like first and foremost, is this a need, a want, a non negotiable? And then what am I going to do to honor that? Because ultimately it's up to me to honor that. I can't make somebody else. So then what's the action I'm gonna put in place if it is or isn't honored?

So when we're talking about this. Cause a lot of people are listening and there's probably a lot of trust issues that are coming up. Whether this is, you know, something with family where it's like, no. Even if I work on myself, how do I go into this relationship trusting? Because there's just been such a history of this is how they show up. Even though there's been a history of us doing the same thing. That could be like, we could be feeding each other. Like we're close feeding each other. Yeah.

Well, there is a two part thing and that's where a lot of the pattern work comes into when it comes to resentment is going back in time and recognizing like what is the lens that I'm looking through at this person. Because we take on lenses based on experiences that we've had.

Yes.

And it Taints how we see people. So if we think this person is not trustworthy, doesn't matter what they do. All we're going to see is evidence that they're not trustworthy. And so if we don't change our lens and then we can't actually accurately weigh the situation. So trust issues are very challenging, and you can work through them. But a big part of that is choosing to change your lens so that you can even see accurately and see if they're changing. Because if you just keep looking through I've been betrayed, I can't trust people. Doesn't matter how much evidence they give you for the. Otherwise, you're just gonna see that.

I had that a lot with my book because I struggled with female relationships before and not trusting women. And so every single relationship I went into with a girlfriend, I would withhold, and I would never feel close to them because I'm like, well, I'm not gonna give you the good stuff, like, the stuff that actually is me, because you can use it against me. So the withholding never allowed me to actually feel connected to anybody.

So. Yeah. So then what was the story. What was the story that. That fed for you?

That I don't need that relationship anyway and that women can't be trusted. Yeah, see, because it's not giving me anything. We're not getting past this, like, shallow place in the relationship.

Yep. So that's where we get to work on your pattern. You're part of the pattern. And I talk about this a lot in my content is about looking at what's my lens and how am I playing into this, Because I'm actually creating part of this. Yes. And that's a real hard pill to swallow because it's really easy to point to somebody else. It's a lot harder to say, wait a minute, how am I contributing to this part of the pattern? And then the next step is being willing to actually do something different, Being willing to break your own pattern. And that's really hard when you have a lot of fear and when you have a lot of history with someone that tells you otherwise. But you're not going to know if you don't choose to change your part in the pattern. And the beautiful thing is when we do change our part in the pattern and we change our lens, we can experience someone differently, even if they're not doing the same amount of changing as us. As I'm sure you know, when you choose to show up with a different story that's telling you, people do love you and they do want to support you, and they do want to be close to you. Surprise, surprise. You start feeling that way with other people, and it doesn't mean that everybody magically changed around you. It means that you changed your story, and now you're feeling different things from other people. So I think that's something we don't give enough credit to, is how much we can change our experience of other people before they even start doing the same amount of work.

Oh, my God.

It's.

It's literally been one of the most healing things, and I. I use it all the time, even now. I'm sure you obviously use it all the time too, but it can be used on little things. Like when you go into a room that intimidates you. I've noticed how easy it can be for me to go, oh, no one in here is interested in me. It's only the popular people. So what does that lead me to? It leads me to kind of, like, feeling a little pouty internally and maybe not going up to the people that I want to go up to and being like, see, this is just how it is. Those are the popular kids. They're going to stay that way. They're only interested in each other. And then I'm resentful. Of what? Of so many different things. But if I go into a room and I'm like, go be interested in people. These are interesting people. We're all insecure. Like, just go create a conversation. Everything changes. And in relationships, this is huge.

Oh, yeah.

Like, I can either see the laundry next to my laundry basket and think of my husband in that way, or I can see him working really hard to pay all, like, taking the bill, paying off my plate for sure. Like, what do I focus on?

And I think women are so good at being fixers. We, like, notice details that it's really easy for us to just notice everything that's not happening. We don't take enough time to look at what is. And that's a big part of this too. And that was a big part of what held me back for so long is I just saw what was missing, and it made me unappreciative of what I actually had. And. Yeah.

How do you think that's affecting the dating world right now? Because I think there's. I think it's so easy for people to focus on what is not there. What if. What tips would you give to a woman who is entering the dating world who is like. Like, could change her lens in a way that could open up a whole different world for her.

Well, you probably need to heal your relationship with men. Like, I think so many women have wounds with men, whether it's daddy wounds or men that they've dated in the past, or brothers, whatever it is, and vice versa. I think men have wounds too. Yeah, but if you have a wound, you're gonna have a lens that sets you up to only see certain things from men or to only experience certain types of men. Because whatever your wound is, you're going to attract that person to reflect your wound back to you. That's something I don't think people realize either, is whatever your story is, you want evidence for that, so you're going to automatically attract people that give you that story. So I think it's really healing that part of you and saying, like, hey, what is my story about men? Like, what is my story about marriage? What's my story about if I can trust men? Like, what is. What is all of that for me? And I bet you're going to find some stuff that you didn't even know was there. And then you get to look at, like, what have I been expecting from them? That maybe I could just see them instead? Like, I think sometimes we look at people as objects instead of people with a heart. And, like, it's so easy when you're dating to look at someone as, is this going to be my person or not? And maybe you go into the experience less of, is this my person? And more like, how can I just get to know this person in front of me? Right. And actually see a person, see a heart, just connect with them. Um, I haven't been in the dating pool in a while, but that's what I would say would be the biggest thing is just looking at yourself and looking at, like, maybe some of your wounds, looking at your own patterns. If you have a dating past, what was your part in that pattern? What was your part in how the relationship played out and what made it go sour? Right. And maybe what was your story that came up for that? And then starting to ask yourself how you can change that, how you can open your heart a little bit more and live from that?

Tell me what opened up for you when you really started working on your resentment in your life? What opened up for you in your relationship? Did he seem like a totally different person even though it was just you that changed? What. What do you feel changed in him?

I walked through a really powerful seven step forgiveness process. You may have heard of it before. I got it from my old coach, Kayla Craft.

Okay.

And it Was this really specific process where you walk through, like, what's my story happening? What's the lens? I'm looking at them. How am I being a hypocrite? Like, what could have actually caused them to do this? And you look back at, like, their past, their wounds, and you really try to see from their perspective. And then I realized I had this like, huge aha when I was doing it, that I realized that he had been showing up time and time and time and time again. And he had been pursuing me time and time and time and time again. And I had been the one with walls up that I didn't even see until I did this exercise. And I had been the one, like, holding things over him and pushing him away. And it was really profound for me to realize my part in all of this. And so I had a newfound appreciation because I saw a lot of times where he was showing up for me and he was doing things that I hadn't seen before or maybe I was clouded by. And I just remember that moment. I sent it to my coach at the time who I was working with, and he was like, I had to read this three times. This was amazing. I'm so proud of you. Like, this is huge because it was such, like, a profound aha for me. And yeah, he did some things too. Like, we were working together. It was not 1001 sided. But I would say my experience of him changed just in that realization of looking for opposite evidence. I think we look for so much evidence of the story we have of, like, how are they failing me? And when I forced myself to look for for the opposite, I was like, oh my gosh, like, I've missed out on this person.

Oh, I love that. For me, that's been one of the biggest things too, is being able to look at, like, the seven step process that you mentioned. What in their life could have been happening to them at that point that made them do this? I mean, the amount of forgiveness and love that I have been able to have for people who I was truly resenting, I'm like, oh, my God. They were actually doing pretty well for what they learned or how they were raised or what was going on in their lives at the time. It's like the Scrooge movie where he gets to like, go back and see. Oh my gosh, that's actually what was happening with Tiny Tim. Like, yes, it's like getting to see all of these things because we're so in our own little 3D bubble of our life.

Well, it's really hard to take ourselves out of our own perspective. But that's exactly what that process does, is it takes you out of your own perspective and causes you to look from someone else's.

Tell me about some more of the things that you've experienced around working with people around resentment. Like, what are some of the main themes that you feel like, have really come up?

I think most women don't realize how much they're carrying in their body physically and how much that that's actually playing a part in it. And then there's resistance to, but also an openness to their part in it. I think, like, we've so been fed this narrative of, like, if you have resentment, it's somebody else's fault. Like, that's. That's. Some of the hater comments that I get online is like, I wouldn't marry someone that would make me resentful. And I'm like, you know, talk to me when you've been married decade at.

Least, you know, like, sometimes even just three years. Like, I see.

I know, like, clearly you haven't been in a long relationship. But also I'm like, but that's the point. Other people don't make us resentful. Like, we actually cause that ourselves. So I think it's the lack of accountability that's like, a big theme in our culture, just in general, but that really comes through. And then I think it's really beautiful to see how many people truly want more in their marriage. And so I think that's been really touching to see with women especially.

I love that. So let's talk about how this conversation, which is so meaty and so amazing, and we can all find ourselves in it for sure. I'm still here. Tell me how this has now transpired into, like, really. Your Instagram videos have gone viral multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple times, and they will continue to. And I wanted to have you on not only to talk about resentment, but also how something that you did not expect to be kind of your thing turn into your thing. And you've kind of cracked the code on how to make this viral content. So I want to chat about that as well, because we get a lot of people who listen to the podcast or who are business people who are like, how does my content transfer into content that people are interested in online? So let's start with where you started.

Well, like I said, it kind of just happened organically sharing my story. But I always tell people, like, your thing is usually your lesson, right? Like, we always want to go out there and like make a business. And for me, it's always come from what I've had to work on myself, what I've had to grow in myself. And so, like, looking at myself and saying, like, hey, what do I need to change? And grow in is the first step. Because I guarantee if you actually lean in and do the work, you're probably going to have something come out of it. And so that's where it started with me. And then like I said, it was kind of an accident. Messaging or messaging wise. I wasn't planning on talking about resentment. It just kind of came up and it resonated so hard with people. And from there I was like, okay, I'll make a course. And I made a course and I sold it and people loved it. And then after that I was like, I'm not really sure what to do with this. But as I talked about resentment, I realized that was the word, that was the actual messaging that resonated to have viral reels. But then once I realized the type of video that needed to go with it too, because it's an actual, like, code here, for reals. That was when things really began to take off. And it was realizing, hey, they wanted to see me interacting with my husband, being more intimate. And so, like putting the two together and then adding on top of that, the right type of music is what really caused viral hit after viral hit. And it's so funny because every day when I go to post a reel about resentment, I'm like, really? We're going to talk about this again today? It feels very redundant to me. Yeah, But I realized it doesn't feel redundant to the audience because that's what they actually want from you. Number one. And then number two, most of your new reels are being shown to new people, not your current following. And the algorithm is always showing it to new people first to kind of test it out and see, like, hey, do people like this? And so going and doing what hits with people and then just repeating that is how you get hit after hit after hit and you grow. And I think we'll have stuff take off and then we'll like, oh, I should talk about something else today. No, don't do that. When you have one take off, repeat, like, do the same thing. That's what people want. They want more of you. If you think about it, it's kind of like an artist. You hear them play a song and you're like, oh, that was such a great song. And then you click on them to see if they have any Other songs that sound like that, it's not like you're going to them to now hear them do punk or rock, like, depending on what they were. Right. You want to hear the same style. People are like that with your Instagram. So whatever hit for you, figure out why. Figure out what the keyword was, the messaging was, figure out what the video was, and then play with that and figure out, like, what's your perfect combo?

Will, I am from Black Eyed Peas talks about.

He literally.

He doesn't really talk about the formula, but he's like, I figured out our formula. Like, you know how they just had album after album for a while, and it all kind of. You say you were going to. It was Friday night, it was the weekend. Or you were working out to Black Eyed Peace, or you were in a really good mood.

Yeah.

And he's like, I literally figured out down to, like, the beats and, like, how totally all of it, like, everything. He's like, I had a formula to know that this was going to be a hit. It didn't matter what we were saying. Like, I just knew I followed this formula and it worked. And it's. It is the exact same thing, but it's figuring out the formula. So if we don't have a formula yet, because some people, you know, did you hit first or did they figure out the formula? It's. It's different for everybody. So what would you say you study? Like, what exactly do you look for? If. If we're somebody, we don't have a topic yet, we can speak on a few different topics.

Yeah.

How do we start looking for what could possibly work? Will you look at other viral content or.

Yes, absolutely. So, number one, you can even just look at music. Any sound bites that are getting, you know, 10 million, you'll find some that for the last 10 reels, different people have used. Yeah, they've all gone viral. If you use that sound bite, you're most likely going viral. Like, doesn't matter what you do. But then number two, look at what's working for people. I look a ton at, like, what's working for other people. What's working in my space. Right. I don't try to constantly recreate the wheel. Yeah. I'm gonna go look and see what's working, and then I'm gonna take that. I'm gonna make it my own and tweak it. We don't need to make everything so hard. You can actually go look.

All right, so let's talk about the other pieces. So what about the words that we're putting on there. Should we be using certain fonts? How readable does it need to be? Do we need a lot of words? What does that look like?

For me personally, I've noticed that the basic Instagram font hits the best, and it needs to be readable. And sometimes I've played with it both ways. I've played with it being fast, where people almost need to, like, hold it down or watch it a couple of times to get all the words, and that's worked well. And then I've also played with it being a little slower, and ironically, I think the faster ones have done better.

Interesting.

But I think it's because people have to watch.

You have to rewatch it again, you.

Know, like, although I'll get some people complaining, like, this is too fast, like, you're missing. I know, I know. But, yeah, you can definitely play with it. I've just found, like, Instagram just keeps it really basic and, like, the algorithm wants to get to know you and, like, reward you, which is kind of funny. We always think we have to figure the algorithm out, but the algorithm is actually. Actually trying to figure us out. And so the more you use the same topic and the more you use the same kind of look for everything, the more the algorithm's like, oh, we know you now. We know what to show people. Like, we know. We know people to show. Yes, exactly. And so the more you're doing different types of content and different types of look and different types of the algorithm's like, we. We. We don't know what to do with you. Like, we don't know who you are. Like, we don't know what you're here for? Go away. Yeah. Does that interest you?

It's fine.

Yeah.

That's so funny. Okay, how about COVID photos? What have you found with that? Do we have to work on our cover photos? Do we need, like, a catchy title?

I've gone back and forth with COVID photos, and honestly, I really don't do them very much. Some people do, and their page is beautiful. Mine is extremely organic and not Mm. And that's really worked well for me. And so I think this is what you get to pick. Works well for you. I don't think it really matters either way. It's more like, what look do you want for your page?

Okay, what about consistency? How frequently are you doing it?

I'm only posting, like, four reels a week. Four to five reels a week. So here's something else people don't understand. Don't post just to post, it needs to be actually good. Like, make it good. And then make sure if one does go viral, you give it time to breathe. Don't post for a few days. A lot of times people are like, oh, my God, it's going viral. I'm going to go again. No, no, the algorithm is working for you right now. It's growing. It. It's showing to more people. If you post another one, the algorithm has to stop what it's doing and go, oh, I guess now you need to get to know this one and start showing people this one so you actually kill that growth. So actually give it some time to breathe. That's something else that I've figured out. But then just make sure it's good quality. And some of that's going to take practice.

Yeah.

But you know when you're just like, oh, I just need to post, so I'm going to just slap something up there. Versus, like, no, I actually worked this. Like, this actually is good.

I love that advice. Just because I, you know, on my content days, there's only so much time for me to do content days right now. And I'm thinking, okay, I have to come up with these 30 pieces of content, which my team does really amazing with it. But, yeah, when a post goes viral, for me, it lasts like a week.

Yeah.

Like, sometimes it won't even hit on the first or second day, and somehow on the third day, I'm like, why are my numbers going up? Like, where's this following coming from? And it's even happened where it's like, two weeks ago.

Yeah.

Where something will catch fire.

Oh, totally.

Yeah. And then it just goes.

And speaking of, I noticed one of your reels that went viral was you talking about girlfriends and how those relationships aren't always in your life.

Yeah.

And that's something I was gonna point out is, like, the topics that people think are taboo, but that's actual reality for people, seem to be what's going viral. So, like, money, the realities of relationships. Right. Like, real life, things that people are like, oh, yeah, I can resonate with that. That's what really seems to hit with people. Which makes sense because we're actually living it. Yeah. But sometimes it feels really bold to talk about. It feels really vulnerable. But again, I always look at artists and how bold they are with their lyrics. Like, if you actually sit down and listen to one of your songs that you like, you're gonna be like, holy, I can't believe they're actually saying that. Like, out loud. They're like, they let their mom hear that, you know, like. Yeah, but then you're like, but I've been singing this for years.

But we've been singing wap all year.

It's gonna.

Yes.

Because they're. You're like, oh, yeah. Like, I totally resonate. Like, you don't think about it. Yes.

But yes.

So I always remind myself when I go to post, like, be bold. Like, be bold. Artists are so bold when they make their music and they just say what they're actually going through, what they're actually experiencing. So the more bold you are in that, the more you're going to touch on people's reality, and that's why your reel went viral.

Okay, so let's talk about that, because there's so many things that I want to be talking about, but I know it's going to open up both sides of the conversation and. But that's what makes a reel go viral, is when the conversation starts. How have you dealt with. Now when a couple of your first things went viral and it was like, the negative comments come in, do you go down and look at them or do you just let the real take off and let it go?

I let it take off and let it go.

Sometimes you don't go back and look.

Sometimes I read the comments just for a laugh because I think it's funny how they can take on a whole life of their own. Yes. But, like, no, I don't spend time and energy on that. Like, that's. Yeah, they're there for a reason. And people can comment. And, hey, the more comments you get, the better it is for your reel anyways. So I just let them take on a life of their own. I don't feel the need to explain myself.

Yeah, okay. This is challenging. I had one post, we'll use this that I ended up having. I ended up taking it down because it was. It was leaning a lot more negative and it was really catching. And I'm like, not in the mood for this right now. But also, maybe I should have let it go. There wasn't. Nobody was reading the comments, and there wasn't context around it. It was essentially saying, like, if you don't want their life, don't hang around them.

Yeah.

And I was thinking a negative person or somebody who, like, I was thinking of somebody who was obviously like, I'm not a good person or negative. And it went crazy with them thinking. I meant people who, like, maybe were not able to do something or a lot of people chimed in who had, like, a disease or Something. And they were like, oh, if this were true, no one would hang around me.

Oh, wow.

And I was like, oh, my God, this is like my worst nightmare right now. That is coming true. And so how do you. Because that's the thing about the Internet is the context thing. You're never going to explain yourself. And there was a part of me that was like, look, if you look at all of my content, it's all very like, this is not what I'm about. But when something like that happens, do you still let it go? Because I know people do.

It depends. Is this reel bringing your ideal audience? That would be like a question I would start asking myself, first of all. Because first of all, you can have reels go viral that are not bringing you your ideal client.

This is true.

Okay, so be really selective with your reels. Right. But then second of all, you can definitely edit them and you can say, like, edited to say right. In your caption or something. You could add something like a disclaimer or whatever. You could also use that as your next reel. What are you going to talk about in your next reel? Yeah, right. You can take somebody's question or somebody's argument and answer it in your next reel. So those are just some ways that you could deal with it. Ultimately, I think you decided it wasn't bringing you your ideal client was just.

In that moment, which now if I could go back, I'd probably take a hot second for myself. No, this was not the end of the world whatsoever. But that's what it can feel like, right? Like when you're first starting to, like, things are starting to catch on and you haven't.

Yes.

Like you can. Your jerk, knee jerk reaction can be like, I don't want this energy in my life.

Yeah. So my thing is again, like, I just all look at it from the point of an artist. And an artist's job is to make the art. They're not there to explain the art. And people are going to take from it what they want to. And so if you look at anybody famous, they are picked apart by so many people. Yeah. And that's just part of fame. Like, that's, that's part of having influence. That's part of having people consume content from you. And so I go back to like, my job isn't the translation, My job isn't the explanation or to control what everyone thinks about it. My job is just to create.

Yeah. This is so good for people to hear. There's so much content that I feel great about. Like I'M like, whatever. I. I feel so strongly in certain things, but I think what it did was. And it really challenged that, like, good girlness.

Oh, totally.

Who was like, they think I'm a bet. Like, they were truly thinking I was the worst person in the world. And they're like, oh, look at her life. But no context. Right?

It was like, totally.

And so I think that's going to happen to so many people and we resist, like, the success of it or. Because truly, joy, it was when it, when it hit people the right way, it hit. They were like, this is so much permission. This is so important to know. Have you had anything like that where you've had to kind of just, like, take a moment for yourself and do a little self work?

Oh, for sure. And I have times where my reel's going viral and I just tell, like, my team, like, I don't. I don't want to look on Instagram for a few days. Like, I'm not going to be on there for a few days. Just don't tell me, like, I don't want to know. I know there are threads about me. Like, I know there's a whole bunch of stuff. But yeah, for me, it's going back to, like, we can't control, like, how people perceive us because ultimately their perception has to do with their lens. And it is very challenging when you talk about topics that are maybe dear to your heart or maybe realities that people don't want to talk about. And are we willing to stake our name on that? Like, are we willing to say, like, this is who I am and this is what I actually think, and if you misunderstand me, I'm okay with that. Because the bigger your audience, the bigger your reach. You're going to be misunderstood. You can't control that. So realizing, like, the people that you're here for, you're here for, and they're going to get it, and the people that you're not are not. And that's okay. Either way, you're doing your job. You're doing what you're called to.

Have you had anything with your family? Like, when you first started doing it, were you concerned about what people thought of you or rocking the boat or anything like that?

I still am. I still get triggered by that. And I still will question and be like, should I put this much out there?

You know what I mean?

Especially about my marriage. Right. And things like that. Yeah. And I've told Peter, like, please don't check your dms. Like, just please don't. Because he's checked a couple, and he gets very triggered by them. And I'm like, don't read my comments on my stuff and don't check your DMs.

Yeah.

Um, but I've really kept it about our marriage, and I've really kept it in a way where I talk about myself and my part. That's not something I think I did in the beginning, and now I do, because I'm like, you know what? I'm here to talk about me. I'm not here to talk about him. And so, like, I can share my part, and I can share how I grew and changed, but I'm not here to be like. And this is what he did. Right. And so that is something that definitely I take into consideration. But at the end of the day, I'm like, the more you own your story and you own your shit, people can't hold it over you either. So that's empowering. It.

Yeah, it is.

It's.

It's interesting. There's this line that we have to figure out because, you know, you're here to help people with this.

Yeah.

Like, it's been so impactful for so many people to, like, get into this fresh version of their relationships and have this incredible life together where maybe they would have never even had an inkling of this or stayed together.

Totally.

So powerful for me, I know I'm here to talk about, you know, friendship and family dynamics. And that is. That's the challenging part for me, is, like, I have to talk about my family and where I came from and religious background without making it necessarily about that, even though it sort of is. There was a role there of everyone, but also I now feel so, for the most part, healed in all of those things because of how. I view it very differently now.

Totally.

But there is that line that I'm always wondering, is this worth. Is growth worth it to, like, impact more people or just growth? Because sometimes we can get caught up in that and in the numbers to potentially hurt people who don't have the tools.

Yeah. And I think there's a way to talk about it where it can still be honoring. And I think that comes when you've really released your charge around it.

Yeah.

And I think you've said you've become really healed, so you probably don't have the same kind of charge where you're, like, still angry. You're, like, still hurt. Like, when you think about it, you feel something come up inside of you. Right. When you don't have that anymore and you really have looked at your part and everything. I think there's a way where it can be so empowering to talk about it and share realities without pointing fingers. So I think that's like what we get to figure out and what we get to walk is like, how do I talk about a reality in a way where it is a reality, but it's not pointing. Pointing fingers and blame. Yeah.

With you and your husband, like you had mentioned, don't, you know, don't check your DMS or whatever that looks like. What are the conversations that you have to have when you start experiencing certain levels of eyeballs on you? Like, what does that look like for you and your family? You're like, hey, yes, this is our. This is our family life and we're talking about this. This is what we do. Have you had to have any of those?

I mean, not super big yet. I'm sure that might still come. People come up to me in public and meet me and stuff like that. And I know I listen to your podcast or whatever like that. And my kids are like, you do? You know, my kids are like, it's my mom, you know? Exactly. But there hasn't been any big conversations outside of the, like, don't read the comments, don't check your DMs. At this point in time. I'm sure there might be coming down the road. Or maybe not. Or maybe not. But we've always talked from the beginning about, like, hey, what's okay to share, what's not okay?

So you've had the boundary conversation.

Oh, totally. And he's always been very free, very free with, like, you tell your story, like, it's totally fine for you to share. Like, I can't tell you. You can't talk about that.

Yeah.

And so I think it helps that we're both really secure in each other and we're really secure in our relationship. And. And it helps that I'm only sharing, like, one tiny sliver of the relationship. I think sometimes people feel like social media is giving everything and they forget that, like, this is one little tiny sliver of your whole life. So I still feel like we still have a bunch that's just ours and that helps.

Let's talk about the style in which you share as well. I do think there is an entire world right now where people are sick of being spoken to. It's like, even when I do to head to camera stuff, I'm like, I don't feel like I even want to do this anymore and I'm bored by it. Meaning I'm bored of listening to it from other people as well. So tell me a little bit about how to create, like talk about your topic without necessarily teaching head to camera style.

That's something that I really leaned into changing. And the last year and a half is stop showing up as a teacher and start sharing my story. Not in like a look at my story way, but in like a, hey, this is how I was wrong. This is how I. This is how I used to be. And this is what I changed my mind about. And this is how my approach I learned a lot from. Right. Because I think people are tired of being taught at and they don't want some like expert that's like teaching them. They really want to be inspired by someone who's living out something and showing like, I was here and I was doing this and I realized this was wrong and I changed or I did something differently or whatever the aha was for them. Because that gives them like a me too. That gives them like this feeling of like, oh, you're like me, but you obviously did something different and I can learn from you. But I think people are just tired. Like, the platform doesn't want talking head videos if you look like they don't really promote those. I know some people have viral ones and I think again, it goes back to the topic like yours, talking about the reality of friends. But if it's boring to you, it's definitely boring to them. So you have to go with what lights you up and like, what makes you feel good. And for me, the content that always does the best. I'm actually moved by it when I write it. Like, I will often have emotion when I'm like writing it because I can feel it. I'm like, I lived this. You know what I mean?

Totally.

And people can feel through a screen how you feel about your content. And that does more than anything. And people don't realize that, but literally how you feel about your content is what's on. Going. Going to be what the. What they feel.

Which goes back to not having to post every single day, but to. To focus more on more quality and more around that topic. That really means something to you.

Yes.

Like allowing yourself to push yourself a little bit to your edges and be like, okay, is this bo like, is this something that really impacts my life? What has really been something that I have had to work through and taking. It's so empowering to know, like taking more thoughtful time on something. Like, we can get the space to do that.

Yeah.

Than to, you know, Maybe carve that out of your calendar. How does that work for you? Let's talk about that. Let's talk about your skit. Do you carve time out to think about what you're doing, or are you just one of those people who can wing it, but you take the time to do it?

I'm more of a winger because I have to, like, work from a place of inspiration. So if I'm not inspired, my job is to get myself inspired. I think sometimes I used to be like, I'm not feeling it, but I just need to make content. And now I know, no, if I'm not feeling it, I need to get into a place of feeling it.

Oh, that's first.

And then create. And so sometimes that means looking at other content. Either looking at some of my past content, looking at other people's content. Like, I'll scroll reels to find ones where I'm like, oh, that I could use that music, or. That is inspiring to me. Right? Yeah. I definitely have times scheduled for filming with Peter just because his schedule is busy. And so us being in the video together, I'm like, I need time to film with you, which is a little more difficult. But I'm not a plan ahead because I have to feel it, and it's really hard for me to, like, generate that on the spot. So I wish I could say that I was.

That's great. That's going to be freedom for wingers everywhere. They're all, like, cheering right now. Okay, so you've made a course on resentment. I want to hear. I want to hear all about it. What does that look like if we're in the course as well?

Right now, it's five modules with my courses. I always add to them because I always feel like I'm growing and I'm learning more, and I want to keep giving that to people. Um, so once people are in, they're in. They get access to everything. But the first two modules are somatic work. So we're clearing stuff out of the body. Like we talked about before. We're doing a lot of intentional things to actually process through that emotion. And so it is some looking back, if you will. Right. Looking at where your resentment is and what it's about. It's giving yourself that chance to actually say what you didn't say. Right. And do what you wanted to do, but didn't. And then after that, it's pattern work. So we start looking at your pattern. Where did this come in your childhood? Like, what was the story that came up and how are you playing into this? How are you creating this lens for yourself? And then from there, it's moving forward in forgiveness, that seven step forgiveness process that I talked about. Because that's really big for being able to let resentment go. Cause ultimately resentment isn't affecting them, it's only affecting us. True. And it's our choice to live in that place or to live free from it. And so walking through forgiveness, and then the last piece is learning how to shift your state of being. Because ultimately resentment's creating specific emotions in your body, and you're living from this energy that you don't really want to live from. And so how can you stop focusing on the resentment and start focusing on creating a new state of being, a new energy in your body that you'd like to feel more, that you would like to think from, that you would like to act from? I know you know so much about energy. So the last module is really big on, like, hey, this doesn't have to be a huge deal for you. Here's a simple way to start catching yourself and, like, shifting out of that quicker.

So good. We all need a refresher on that daily. Okay, so where can we find you? Follow you? How can we be a part of.

Well, I'm on Instagram. It's Joy Harrington, ig, and I've got my link in my bio. But also you can shoot me a dm. You can shoot me the word resentment, and I'll give you a coupon code for the course.

We won't forget that word. Yeah, yeah, you can shoot me over your resentment.

Yes, exactly.

And we'll send that on over. Okay. Amazing. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much for coming on and just how much you share online as well. I think it's impacting so many people to not feel alone in those emotions. I think sometimes we can feel like, is this just me who feels all of this anger towards things? And it's really freeing to know that you can move through it, especially with things like your tools, quicker than you actually think.

Like, oh, totally.

Which is amazing. So Joy's bonus content, all you have to do is go down to show notes and click the bonus content. And we are going to send you five things that men want to hear from you. And the reasoning behind this is, well.

We'Re so quick to, like, point out what they're not doing. Like, oh, you missed the trash today. You missed this, you missed that.

Right.

That we forget to intentionally speak life over them. And it's really interesting how men work. The more you speak life over them, the more they actually are like, she noticed. Now I want to go do the trash. Now I want to go like. And so it's a great way to start getting them to step up more, but also it's just a great way to really, like, feed that relationship. Right? You want to be encouraged, so you get to encourage them.

All right, thank you so much for coming on, and I'm so grateful for you and you guys. We will see you in the bonus content. Bye, everyone.