The Secret to Overcoming Your Fears | Lori Harder on Women of Impact

I'm Lisa Bilyeu and I went from housewife to co founder of the billion dollar company Quest Nutrition and now president of Impact Theory. Our mission with this show is to empower you and all women to recognise you really can become the hero of your own life. Welcome to Women of Impact. Today's Women of Impact list of accomplishments are so insane they run longer than a sport Spartan, a triathlon and an ultra marathon combined. From three time Fitness World Champion, to flexing her muscles on 10, yes, 10 magazine covers, to building million dollar business, to taking the stage as a TEDx speaker, to a number one best selling author of A Tribe Called Bliss, to hosting live events and conducting online courses, to the founder of the Bliss Project and last but definitely not least, the podcast creator and host of Earn youn Happy which constantly sits at the top of the itunes charts. Yes, it is safe to say this woman has more energy than a Venti pike place. And guys, this is all while she's still in her 30s. But to paint her by numbers like one of those coloring books you get at Sizzlers is to miss the most impressive and awe inspiring thing about her. It's the details that you don't see that really make up the one of a kind masterpiece that is this woman. From growing up in an uber religious household, to being relentlessly bullied, to suffering from crippling anxiety that led to fat full blown panic attacks, to being a victim of kidnapping, this woman has had to brush off the dirt of failure, fear and rock bottom, pick herself back up time and time again in order to evolve into the inspiring woman she is today. So it is with my absolute honor to introduce to you one of the most humble women I've ever had the pleasure to meet and call a dear friend, Lori Harda.

I'm so happy to be here.

And so I want to start in talking about fear, which I know is a subject that you love talking about and all these things that you have accomplished, I'm sure you've had to attack your fear. So standing up on stage, posing in your bikini, going for all these other jobs, getting rejected, getting bullied, all these things. Talk to me about how that fear penetrated you and then how you didn't allow it to paralyze you.

Oh man. Well, first of all, thank you so much. But, but fear has been something that when I was younger I really believed it was something that you avoid or there's something wrong with you if you feel it, because that's just, I think that's what I kind of heard in my family. And I think at the time it was, if you can remember back to, like, magazines and shows and interviews, they never told you about the scary part. It was always, like, blowing up their accolades and talking about how great they were. And when I. I started to learn what it actually felt like, when people started sharing with me what was actually going on behind the scenes, it empowered me to say, this is normal. Cause what happens is we get stuck in the. I'm anxious, I'm nervous. I'm so scared. This is not normal. You're not normal. You can't do this. So as soon as the conversation started to switch to, oh, other people have said this is a normal feeling for them. And what happened is there was a point in my life where I had such debilitating anxiety. I was so nervous, nervous, and I was like, I'm too nervous to be able to go do this interview. So I'm gonna go to a doctor and see if I can go see a therapist and just. If I could talk through what's going on. Because I was getting panic attacks around anything where I had to do an interview. Social anxiety. If I was in a group of like three or four or more, and I would have to even just talk if I was in a training for work or different things like that, and I would have to share something. I would just full on, like, heart would be pounding, dizzy, would lose my breath, couldn't speak. Like, I'd start to just get so nervous. And then tears would well up in my eyes. And I'm like, this is not going to help me do anything in my life. So I went to the doctor and I told the doctor that this was happening. And they said, okay, oh, that's. That's fine. We'll put you on medication. So instead of the therapist that I was asking for to talk through it, I was put on medication. And while it helped a tiny bit, I was getting crazy side effects. One of them being like, zero. Sex drive in my early 20s, being.

Married, not a great combination.

Zero. I'm talking below zero. And what ended up happening is I went back, they're like, okay, we'll put you on more. So I ended up being on three different things at once. And one day I was at home, and I was a person who loved to work out at this point in my life. And I was a fairly motivated person. And Chris came home and I was eating, like my second bowl of pasta at like, 5pm I was doing completely things that were not inside my normal, you know, habits. And who I was. And then all of a sudden, this really sad commercial came on tv. And I realized that I did not feel anything. And then I thought to myself, I'm like, if something happened to my family right now, like, terrible, how would I feel? And I remember thinking that I felt numb. I was like, I don't know if I could cry. And it was just because everything was being muted and blocked. So for me, at that point, I thought, I'm going to have to start facing this head on. This is going to be the only way this is ever going to go away. So what I started to do after I got off of that was I said, what is the scariest thing that I could possibly do that also sets me up to have a goal around something I love? And it was competing in a fitness competition. Put yourself in a bikini on stage. Are you kidding me? Like that? Really? So I went straight for that. And it was one of the scariest things I did. But I noticed that every single time I would compete or every single time I would go get in front of people or put myself in a scary situation, it would get a little bit better. And while it was, you know, while it felt terrible in it, I also started to say, it can't be worse than what I was doing, and I can't live like this anymore. Because I noticed that if I wasn't facing it, that it was getting worse. And I thought, lori, you're gonna end up in a padded room or you're gonna end up locked in your house if you don't do something about it. And I know that a lot of people can relate to that.

But what made you do that instead of going, okay, I'm fearful as shit, right? I'm taking this medication. It isn't working. Well, screw it. I'm gonna go off the medication. I'm never gonna face my fear. I'm gonna live a life of comfort. I'm gonna stay in my comfy house, and I'm never going to put myself out there. And then I don't have to face my fear, and everything's blissful. What made you not choose that path? Because I think so many people do.

Because that's not what I saw for myself, and I know that's not what.

People see for themselves as the final goal.

As the final goal. So I think that we all know what we're supposed to be, but we kind of mute it out or dull it out. But one thing that I've always been able to do, and this is something that people can do and that they. I literally just heard that this is how you actually make something. A habit is that you need to bring in the pain of what will happen if you don't make a change. So for me, what happened is I started to bring in the pain of the future. So fast forward to the future and bring in the pain of one year. If you don't make a change of five years, if you don't make a change, then. I've always done this thing where I go to my deathbed, and I always say, how am I gonna feel if I know that all of these gifts and this potential that I can see, that I get visions of are not reached on my deathbed? And I go all the way down to whatever you believe, whether you know you're religious or whether you believe in energy, whatever that is at the end of your life when you're looking over everything or when you meet your creator, whatever that looks like, are you gonna say, you know what? I just really felt like you didn't give me everything I needed for this life. And we know that's not truth. We know that's not truth. So for me, it's always been to bring the pain into the press present moment, but then you also have to bring in the reward into the present moment of if you face that fear.

So, Ilia, give me an example.

Okay. So I just did spoken word this last weekend for the first time ever on a stage of 1100 women. Like, why not do it that way? My friend. My friend had an event, and she was like, lori, I want you to speak at my event. I was like, of course I'll speak at your event. I would love to. And she's like, but you're not going to speak. You're going to do spoken word. What I had to do for that, though, was I couldn't think about what would happen if I failed. It was like I had to think about how fun it was going to be, how excited I was gonna be when I got done. I had to think about what I would open up if I did this. I had to think about, oh, my God, my whole life I've wanted to perform. And then what I also had to do was say, if I don't do this, how will I feel? Like, what if I never got the opportunity to do this ever again? What if someone said, you can never, ever, ever share your poetry? You can never sing. You can never get on stage and perform? And I was like, that feels terrible. Like, that was awful, because I know that fear is the X that marks the spot to a treasure beyond anything you can possibly.

I had that quote down for you. Fricking genius.

Like, it is. It's everything. So I'm telling people now because what I'm doing, I have no idea why I signed up for this, but I did. But I'm going to all of my fear places. That's like, we know where they are. We're just avoiding them. Everyone watching this, like, literally knows. Oh, that's scary for me. Oh, public speaking, that's scaring the crap out of me. Oh, asking that woman to connect, that's scaring me. If you want to accelerate your life and have a life beyond your wildest dreams, it's all of those things. All you have to do is go to that one. That one. And that. It doesn't. Rejection, it doesn't matter. The rejection, that's a part of it. Like, rejection is so powerful and so beautiful. It's really fast feedback, and you feel it and, you know. And a lot of my rejection has spurred on, that's okay. They can't see me yet. Like, that's okay. They can't see what's in here yet. I can see it. Like, you have to keep saying that to yourself over and over. And you also have to say, that's okay. This is new for me. Like, it's going to get better. You have to allow yourself to be a beginner. Like, no, it's not going to be polished. It's not going to be awesome. And you're not doing it for your mentors who are up here. You're doing it for the people who are here looking at you, thinking, you know, wow, she's just a couple steps ahead of me. And you're blazing that trail for them. So I think that we get it really confused with, you know, when I was about to do spoken word, it was like, oh, my gosh. Well, I have all these, like, people that I love. Like, I'm obsessed with in Q. And, you know, it's not like his. And why can't I be that good and that polish? And I was like, I'm not. I'm not doing it to be like that. I'm doing it to be my version. And I'm not. I don't want to compare myself to that. I want that to inspire me, but I don't want it to make me feel stuck.

And that's just. It becomes so overwhelming. Right? But just reframing, looking at different through a different lens, I think can make all the difference in pushing that fear down. So what do you say to people, though, that, let's say, make excuses, because I think sometimes they don't realize it's the fear that's actually driving them. And so they'll use an excuse. And then even sometimes the excuse is valid.

Totally.

So what do you do if you've got advice in that situation where you could use all the excuse in the world and other people didn't even understand? But the truth is, if you really dig deep, it's the fear.

I say, no matter what in life, you literally are going to have pain. You are, no matter what. So I'm going to choose the pain with the reward on the other side every single time. Because I will tell you that your comfort zone, the longer you stay in it, is so much more uncomfortable than the quick hit of pain. Even if I do something and I fail, I'm like, that's okay. That's progress. That's the first step of going and doing something new. I think we forget that no matter what, everybody's a beginner. Like, I. I would, like, test people on here who are watching to take their favorite mentor and go and look up some of their old stuff from, like, 10 years ago. And you'll be like, oh, my gosh, this makes me feel so much better. But it's so important to do that. Cause now we're comparing it to, like, they have this team of 20, and they're polished and it looks amazing. They have all this help. And you're like, yeah, but at one point they were on their phone or computer, like, alone in their house with some bad lighting and bad hair. Absolutely amazing.

And do you think, I mean, I guess from your content, that you do find that very important to show other people. So in with your first spoken words that you released, you do a whole. I don't know what you would call it, like, I guess an intro on how nervous you are about doing it. And then you go into it and it's like, something switch. And you sound so amazing and you sing, and it's beautiful. And then the second you're done, and you're like, oh, thank God, I'm done. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. And like, you, it's. It was hilarious and beautiful all at the same time because it was an incredible glimpse into seeing who you really are and seeing that you're human just like everyone else. And you could have edited that. You could have taken the first chunk out, and you could have taken the end part out. And as a listener, I would have gone, wow, she's perfect. But because you left those bookends in, I really felt I was with you like a fly on the wall with you. To hear the fear in you, to hear you overcome the fear, and then to exhale at the end. So can you. What was the reason. I mean, what was the reason behind doing it that way? Being, making yourself vulnerable. Right. Because showing that you're not perfect and that you did have to hold your breath is extreme vulnerability.

My whole purpose on this planet, I really believe, is to. To be walking permission. And I can only be walking permission for people if I give it to myself.

What do you mean, walking permission?

I want people to look at me and know that when I do something, I want them to see all of it so that it gives them permission to do whatever they want to be doing this weekend. I cried on stage before I did it because I just got so nervous and so overwhelmed and. And I just said, thank you so much for giving me the space. And they just. I asked them to support me. I literally said, here's the deal, guys. I can't do this without you. CHEERING I'm like, so even if you're faking it, please cheer for me if something resonates or hits you or you understand something. And so I asked for support. I supported myself. I told my friends about it before I did it. I was like, please help me. Help me get grounded. What can I do? I want people to see that the journey to that is like, I'm not just doing this. I've asked for so much support. I've asked for help, I've prayed, I've done all the rituals, like, and I also allowed myself to let it be okay if I fail. Like my friend Yaya says, if you can't conceal it, reveal it. And I'm just like, I can't conceal how freaked out I am. So I'm going to tell you about it, and we're in such a cool time right now where, you know, however you want to deliver your message, whether that's spoken word or poetry or humor or comedy or comic books, whatever that looks like. Like, try it.

Yeah. I love that. I want to talk to you about identity. I'm a little obsessed with it because growing up, I definitely thought, you know, from my Greek background and my heritage, you're supposed to be a certain way. So I identified with being, you know, a Greek girl that was going to get married and have kids and support her husband.

Yeah.

Even though deep down I had massive dreams, like, I was telling myself I want to win an Academy Award for. For directing. And, like, I had all these things, but it was almost like two parts of me. The dreamer and then the reality. And I separated them for the longest time. And then as I got older, I was like, well, hang on, I don't have to be this. I don't have to be this. Then I went into quest and my identity was quest. And then making that shift was very difficult. And then into impact theory and then making that shift again. Like, constantly evolving is what I strive for, but it's hard when it comes to identifying who you are, yourself, and then how other people identify you.

This is so good.

So because you've had so many evolutions, talk to me about that and talk to me about how you were able to either shut out the noise or embrace the noise of what your identity should be versus what you want your identity to be.

I don't know why it's making me feel emotional because I understand the transition from tribe to tribe to tribe to tribe. Because you are breaking a contract. You're breaking a contract with that group of people. You're not acting the way that they expect you to, which means that you're going to probably be kind of cast out or criticized, because criticism is the fastest way to make someone act the way you want them to act. Right? Like, if you. If I was to criticize someone, it's the quickest way to shut someone down and be like, no, no, come back. So that's what we're afraid of. We're afraid of being criticized, especially our character. So that's one thing that's important to know is when you're criticized, it's someone trying to control you out of fear. Wow.

I've never heard it said like that before. That's really freaking powerful.

So if we can know what's coming, if we can know what's coming and what is normal, we can also know that it's going to eventually bypass and you can also learn how to support yourself around it. So for me, I know that criticism is going to come when I branch into something new, but I also know that I can support myself and get the people around me who are going to help me if criticism comes or they're going to give me more feedback about what I desire to hear or they're going to help me in the transition. So, like, with the spoken word, when I knew it was coming, I'm like, I am scared. Scared to death of what people will say, like, what a fraud? Like, who is this person? Why is she Doing this. Like, what, what in the world? Where did this come from? Does she think she's actually this good or whatever? That looks like who knows, right? Those were the voices. Yes, absolutely. So what I did is I got like, I did my first one in like a very small group of like very close girlfriends and I was like, here's the deal, I'm gonna do this, but I don't want any feedback yet. I'm too raw.

Okay.

I was like, give me a couple days, just tell me the good stuff and then I'm gonna come back and ask for them.

I love that you're so self aware that, yeah, I wonder the truth. You don't want people BSing you.

Yes.

But you don't want it right there and then. I love it.

Too raw. And I say this at events too. Like when people do big events because it's so soulful when you're doing something that requires so much of your soul. Like, you know that feeling, you're like, I just expose my soul. This is a part that I've kept so private for so long. So you know, when people do events or when I do events, I give myself two to five days before I can hear any feedback. You're just not. You don't have the willpower and the like, you're too exhausted at that point, I think from just putting it out there and the fear. So supporting yourself around what you want to do is so vital. But as far as the transition and leaving tribes, I think knowing what is going to happen, asking people what happens and supporting yourself for where you want to go. So create groups of people for where you want to go instead of just for where you're at. I think that's so vital to do.

And you do that before you leave the current tribe.

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Because what happens when you're like, wait, is this normal? Oh, I just got criticism. Is this normal? You can go ask that person. Of course this is normal. This is to be expected. Here's what's going to happen now. People are going to say this or this or it's going to feel this way. You know, there's going to be this point where you're going to feel like there's a free fall. It's going to feel awful. You're going to wish you didn't do it. You're going to have vulnerability, hangover. You're going to be like, what the heck was I thinking? And then you're going to keep going. You're going to do it again. So that's why I think it's so important to do that is to have those people who are ahead on that journey to. To tell you what it looks like or one of the biggest things is to think that it's supposed to feel good. Because I think that thinking that your journey to who you want to be that it's going to feel good is one of the most disempowering beliefs we can possibly have. Like, it doesn't feel good. And I think that's powerful to know. It feels like a stretching beyond anything you think is possible. Possible feels like massive self doubt. It's painful. And that's what it really looks like. And that's what it really feels like.

All right, well, what if you're in a tribe and the people in there you just love, but you don't think that that's for you anymore and they're trying to keep you. They're trying. They're giving you the negativity. You're never going to make it. What are you doing? Stay with me. Whether it's a boyfriend or you get so many scenarios like this, and I think it then becomes hard for people to leave because then they have to make a choice. I have to leave behind these people that I love. What is it going to be like? So even if you dabble into the future, like you said, like try on some things and you like it, how do you suggest people make that choice with, like leaving the people that really like their heart is connected to, but the actual thing itself they're no longer connected to.

I've done this a lot. And there's also a point that you have to look at where if you're getting criticized or people don't want you to grow, there's some pain there. So while you feel love and while you feel comfortable, there's also a pretty good amount of pain that is happening now. And that will happen if you don't become the biggest version of you. So I think that something that I always tell people is to start crowding out your life with really good things so you can invite them along. And when I think this, I always think of this with health and fitness, you know, when you want to start getting healthier or lose weight or whatever that looks like, it's never that you want to say you can't have anything anymore, but what you want to do is fill your plate with so much good stuff that there's not that much room for the crap anymore. So I look at that in life, like put so much good stuff in Your world and with the next level stuff. Events, connections with other people, networking things, you know, putting classes, whatever that looks like. Podcasts, books. Fill your life with so much next level stuff that you actually don't have that much room anymore for the other things. And yeah, they'll say, oh, you don't have time for us. You don't have room for us. And you can say, come with me. There's always room for you if you come with me. But this is where I have to go, like, if I don't do this for myself. And that's a real conversation, too. I think what we forget is to have these conversations, you know, like crystal clear communication. Like, if I don't do this for myself, I know that I'm going to be so unhappy. So I would love your support in this area, asking for it. And the thing about tough conversations is that you don't just have them once. You have them 5, 10, 15, 20 times. Like, all of the things that have turned out well in my family was from these conversations, but we had them for five years straight. You know, it was like, no, I really need your support. I know that this is how I was, but this is where I want to go, you know? You know, this is. If I keep doing this, it's not going to support these dreams or I have this bigger vision. Like, you just have to keep saying, this is how you feel, this is how you want support. This is what it looks like. I'd love for you to come with, but this is what I have to do.

And is that what you were able to do with your family because you grew up in a very religious, strict household? Is that what you did with your family?

Lots of tough conversations in that time or like now? All the time.

Okay.

I think if you're. I think if you're growing and I think if you have a good relationship with anyone that you're in it always, like, really clear communication. Because I don't want to live a life of resentment. I spent my whole life doing that beforehand. So, like, feeling like you're in a straight jacket and feeling resentful is gonna manifest in some really ugly way later if you don't start communicating. And the first conversation is gonna feel awful, the second will feel awful. They get a little less awful each time. But at the same time, it's just, go straight for that. Go straight for that conversation. Go straight for that ex. Go straight for that fear, and it is gonna be freedom.

I had no intention of asking this, but as you were talking, I was like, oh, my God, this is perfect. So the other day I was in a restaurant, really long story, but to cut it short is they wanted to charge me extra for asking them to prepare a certain way because I've got very, you know, big health issues. And the manager was just unreasonable and she turned her back on me. She was extremely rude. And at that moment I was like, wow, I'm so used to dealing with people that are present, people that are mindful, the people that want a growth mindset. That it was the first time in a long time I embraced somebody that was, I don't want to generalize, quote, unquote, crazy, right? Like unstable.

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know what to do in this situation because I'm now trying to reason with someone who is not reasonable. So have you found yourself in that situation going back to talking to your family or your in laws where you're trying to be super reasonable and they just can't hear you?

Absolutely. What do you mean? Okay, So I pick my battles all the time. All of the time. You know, there's been some people who, for a while, I had to, like, say no more. I literally, I have the analogy, like, if the bus is not going to stop, get out of its way. Like, stop stepping in front of it. And for years I just kept stepping in front of it and being like, why do you keep running me over? And then I was like, just stop going in front of the bus. Like, stay out of its way.

Yeah. I actually got a little annoyed with myself after that. I spent the energy on it. I'm like. And it wasted so much.

What a great analogy for life, though.

Yeah.

Like, because there's always going to be someone like that in our life who just. No matter what you say, oh, this is so big. No matter what you say or do or how you show up, there's going to be some people who don't like you and who think you're crazy.

Yeah. It's true. Right? And you almost don't have to. Yeah. Don't let them penetrate you.

I had someone in my life who literally, no matter what I did, it was like they just did not like me. And it would be every time I'd go back to, like, apologize or say, I found myself in like this apology that I didn't even know what I was apologizing for anymore. It was like just apologizing for being me, I guess that all of a sudden it was like, this person is. No matter what I say, it gets turned into a Totally different conversation. What are you doing? Like, cut it off. It taught me so much about learning to just completely cut that out of your life and make peace with it. Because at that point, it now becomes your journey to let go and forgive them and love them from afar. Because I literally every time I would see this person, even on social media, it was like I could just feel the venom race through my veins. And I was like, I have to love this person somehow. But the only way for me to do it is to cut them out and to, like, start asking for just, like, being able to forgive them and love them from afar.

Why do you think it's so important to love somebody that you may not like?

It's for you. It's only for you. Because we experience whatever we're feeling about someone, so we may hate someone. And it's not about hating them. We're feeling the hate. They don't feel it. They don't even know it. So it's for you. If you love them, you feel love. If you hate them, you feel hate. And that's it. Like that. At the end of the day, you either are consuming that. And when I think about the feelings of not liking someone or being irritated with someone, we now know that's also linked to, you know, creating a chemical cocktail in your body, and it's just harmful for your body. So a lot of us, it's like we wonder why we have health issues or we're tired or we have no energy. Your thoughts are consuming that thought that you're thinking about that person or taking something personal or, you know, thinking, like, wishing you could go back and change something. We can't, can only have power over how we feel right now.

So let's say you've got someone, like your friend, who you're starting to feel like, okay, you're apologizing, you're trying to make it work. It's just not there. How do you separate someone coming to you for criticism and you going, oh, actually, that's true, yes, I'm going to use that to better myself or to separate it and say, wow, no, this is just them, and I'm not gonna change for them, and so I have to separate myself. How do you make that distinction?

I think there's a couple things. I think, number one, when someone's giving you feedback, you know, criticism, but in a loving way, you feel that. Because a lot of times they'll say something like, hey, you're amazing. You know, I value this about you, or I think you're amazing. In this area, I just want to give you some feedback around this because. Because I really either can see your highest potential or I see how this could maybe help you, but maybe you're not seeing it. Is it okay if I share this with you?

So their delivery.

I think delivery's huge. If you didn't love the delivery, you can say, could I get a little more detail on the feedback? Just because I want to make sure that I can move forward feeling empowered. And right now, I don't feel complete or I don't feel closure around this. I would love to able to let you know how I was feeling at the time or whatever this looked like. Like, ask to go deeper with that person and get a little bit of closure.

Yeah, I love that. All right. I want to do a bit of a 180. Okay. And I want to talk to you about when you were kidnapped, if you're okay with talking about that. So for a while, it took you a while to speak up about it. And I want to kind of tie that in with identity. So first of all, how did you not just inevitably slip into the pattern of, like, that's your identity. I was somebody that was kidnapped and beaten. And then also, what was that process in coming out and speaking out about it eventually? If you can take me through that.

So after it happened, I had a roommate that I was on the trip with, and when I came home, I was a mess. Like, I. I didn't like men. I was nervous around them. I couldn't even. I was having, like, night terrors. I was waking up. You know, I wasn't sleeping at night. I was afraid of everything. Like, I was looking over my shoulder constantly, and I needed to process. And I was talking to a roommate, and she didn't process anything. So clue number one, don't go to someone who doesn't process anything in their life to process something, because what happened is I was like, I really need to talk about this. And it was. I looked up to her, like, she was that person that I always wanted to be like, because she was popular and everybody loved her. And she looked at me and said, I don't want to talk about this. It makes me feel bad.

Oh, wow.

You should just not talk about it anymore, and it will go away. So. And I really believed that she was like, I don't talk about my stuff, and it goes away. Well, she was an alcoholic, and I was also basically an alcoholic at the time. So I was like, she's right. I'm just gonna shove it down like, I really believed that the more, like, hard I became, that the more I would just, like, not feel it anymore. So I did, like, this 180 and started to be a bit hardened. Like, I just thought if I just was like, I don't feel it. I'm gonna, you know, block it out. Well, let me tell you, it will manifest later in your life. But what happened is I started to choose this identity of, oh, well, I'm gonna take that and I'm gonna, like, harden myself. That was my new identity. I'm hardened. I'm just detached. Like, I'm not gonna feel again. I remember saying that. This is interesting. I'm processing right now. I remember saying, I'm just not gonna feel again. Well, that didn't work out super awesome for me because I never really connected with people much after that for a while.

Did you always take pride? Pride in the fact that you're like, I'm a hard ass?

Totally. And I think that that's a protective mechanism that we do. So instead of going into victim mode, I was like. I was like, you just don't feel like you can do any of this. You can work three jobs, you can work hard, you can, you know, your family can be mad at you for leaving the religion. They don't, you know, or they're not wanting to talk to you, or they're upset with you or whatever that looks like. And I'm like, I just don't feel, I guess, having boyfriend issues and all these other things. Like, okay, you don't feel interesting.

So how did you recognize that that was actually becoming extremely detrimental to your future? And then how did you get out of it?

Well, that didn't happen until much later. I think I started letting in. Like, really. The first person I really let in after that was my husband. And Chris, like, has to process everything. Like, he actually. His mom was. Went to school, school for psychology. And like, Chris has, like, processed his whole life. So he comes in my life and he says to me, because the first time we get in this little fight, he's like, if you leave, don't come back. He said that to you?

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, watch me. So I, like, pull out of the driveway and I pull down to the bottom of the driveway and just sit in my car.

That's amazing.

And I'm like, crap. I think he's serious. And so I just sit out there, like, trying to be stuck, Stubborn, right? To not feel. And I'm like, he's really serious. And he kept on giving me this ultimatum. He's like, if you leave, I do not come. Do not come back, because I will not put up with this. He's like, how you ever expect to work through a problem? So I had to start just, like, I would flee, but flee to, like, a bedroom. So that was the first step in me being like, okay, we're gonna just face this head on. Because I've never faced a problem head on. In fact, looking back, I remember watching different people in my family fleet from problems. My mom leaves or my dad leaves or close the door or shut this or whatever that looks like. And so that's what I learned. Like, you just slam the door. You don't deal with it. And so when he started doing that, like, so confrontational. I was like, the last one failed. This one's gonna fail if I don't start at least listening. And so that's when I started saying, okay, I'm gonna stay here for it. And it was years and years and years of that. I would be lying if I told you I still don't want to leave. I still want to leave.

Because that's just, like, innate in, yes.

I still would rather just leave. But then I'm like, wait, I'm choosing suffering. This sucks.

Yeah. So how do you advise other people, then? Let's say they don't have a quiz and they don't have someone that's there to kind of push them into being open. Do you have any tips or tactics that they could possibly use in their own lives to go? Because I'm sure someone listening or watching right now has had some form of what you've been through, whether it's abuse at home or something else. And you're resonating with them, right? And they're like, yes, I've hardened. What actual things can they put into place to start to soften up?

There's a couple things it's knowing I now know, which has given me massive power back. Relationships are hard. They just are. They're not supposed to be easy. If you think they are, that's a fairy tale. Even best friends, friends fight. Even the most beautiful marriages you see still fight. But in time, you'll learn how to do it. And I think that at first you have to start trying on what it feels like to be vulnerable with someone, to stay in the room during a fight, to cry in front of someone, to be like, this is me. I'm messy, I'm raw. I'm like, you know, it's ugly. This is the part of me I don't want you to see, like, this very vulnerable part because for a long time, I didn't quite cry, didn't cry in front of people. So I think if you are in a relationship or a friendship, to know, like, are we in this for the long run? Do we act like, even if you're in a fight, just be like, do we actually both want peace at the end of the day? Is that what we actually both want, you know? Or do you want them out of your life? What do you actually want? What's the final thing? Because then you can start saying, okay, my actions are not matching up with peace right now. This is how someone would act if you want someone out of your life.

Yeah.

You know, you're not looking for resolve. You're looking for a fight right now. So I always think of that. I'm like, I'm choosing suffering right now. If I'm running, I'm choosing to stay in this longer. And now I'm to the point where I'm like, life's too short. I'd rather be happy. And at the end of the day, if I have to be with this person anyway, why am I postponing, you know, the apology or the acceptance or the conversation?

God, I love that. I want to pick up on one thing that you said earlier where you said, I want to be my highest. How do you be your higher self and know when enough is enough? Because you're so driven, you've got, you know, going back to identity. You're ever evolving. How do you. Or do you ever say, okay, I'm at my highest self, period, and now is enough is enough? Do you ever say that? And if not, how do you still have peace within yourself of who you are right now?

No, I won't be at my highest self until, you know, I die. I think that to be a human is to. To crave growth, no matter what that looks like, whether it's a better relationship with yourself or a partner or your children or with whatever you're doing. You know, if you love to cook, becoming a better cook, like, I think there's endless ways to evolve. I do think it's important to celebrate the evolution. You know, I think there's points where there will be a point where I'm probably not pushing this hard, but I'm pushing in different areas. Like, you know, maybe it's kids, or maybe it's a garden, or maybe it's painting, or maybe it's, like, relaxing so hard that I, you know, just like, learning how to be so at peace. But that's evolution. That's growth. So I think that to ignore growth is to feel pain, because as humans, we're. We're meant. We start to feel pain when we're not in growth mode. I do think that rest is important to build in. I think it's vital. I think that when you start to feel exhausted or tired or empty, you may not be celebrating it enough. You may not be doing what you love if you're feeling exhausted, tired, or empty.

Yeah, I love that because that's the thing. People are like, why did you push so hard now that you're successful? Or I was like, it's. Nothing is ever enough for me. It's because I like to grow, that I like to have nothing ever enough. But it doesn't mean that I'm not satisfied, and it doesn't mean that I'm not present in what I'm doing right now. But, yeah, I just found that fascinating because it's hard to. Like, when do you push yourself too much that you actually need to accept where you are? And then when do you say to.

Yourself, only we know that.

Yeah.

And nobody in your world can tell you when because telling you, like, look at. I mean, look at people like Elon Musk or whoever, people who are. Who are changing the world. Like, if they don't push, their mission's not going to happen. And so we all have different missions in life, and only you can know what your mission is on this planet. And I think that's the tough part is, like, letting it be okay that it's her season of rest and it's your season of go, you know?

Yeah. I love that I could talk to you for hours. I really could, girl. But before. Before I ask my last question, where can these guys find you online?

Loriharder.com or Instagram? Lori Harder.

And so, last question. What do you consider your superhero power to be?

You know what? I really hope it's just vulnerability and being approachable. I love, love, love just the fact that I'm okay with being vulnerable now because that's opened up so many doors for me.

That's amazing. Thank you so much for coming on.

Yeah.

Thank you for having me. Oh, my God, guys. So I have had the pleasure of hanging out with this woman many times off camera. And when I tell you, every time I meet her, I feel like I am reborn. I've learned something new. She's given me a new piece of nugget of gold that I'm going to implement in my own life. So hopefully this episode has really done that for you guys too. Go back, watch what she's saying. Check out her website, Check out all her content. It is so freaking incredible. If you really do take what she said and you actually put it into your own lives, you too can go out and be your own superhero, period. So embrace your vulnerability like this woman does and just go kick ass. Because you know what? It is possible. She's living proof of it. So thank you guys for joining. If you're not subscribed already, click that subscribe button down there and follow me. LisaBillew. And until next time, guys, go be the superhero of your own life. Peace out. What up, guys? Lisa here. Thanks so much for watching this episode. And if you haven't already subscribed, click that little button right in front of you. Click, click, click away. We release episodes every Wednesday, so be sure to get notified. Till next time, go be the hero of your own life.