Why You Keep Hitting the Same Ceiling (And How to Change It)

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And we're back.

That's another episode of He Said She Said.

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All right, guys, today we're talking about something that is a normal topic in my household all of the time. It's also from a book that I try to read every year, although I've slacked like the last two years. But I have somebody working for me right now who is like, hey, I want some really good books. And I was like, oh, let me think of, like, one of my ultimate favorite books that I can loan her to read. And I gave her the big leap. And she came back literally over the weekend and was like, I read this whole book. This was insanely amazing. She started talking about it and I forgot some of the key things in there. So I started reading it again this morning. And you guys, I'm already so fired up from it. Like, if you don't make this a yearly read, we absolutely have to altogether. I hope that this is your reminder if you you don't read it. I hope it's just the reminder that you needed today about what this is about. If you don't know the book, it's called the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, and it is about how we secretly sabotage our success. Like right now, you are secretly sabotaging your success. And a lot of us know it's not such a secret. We know the ways that we're doing it. So we, in the book he talks about we have an upper limit problem, and this is self sabotage in disguise. So it's the idea that we all have this internal thermal thermostat for how much love or success or happiness or money that we think that we think that we're allowed to feel. So when we go beyond that set point, like hitting a big income goal, maybe it's a certain amount of money you wanted in your bank account, A certain amount of money you wanted from a launch. Maybe it's launching something successful or even you guys falling in love, our subconscious kicks in and says, too much of a good thing. Let's bring you back down. And it does that through all of these different things, you guys. It does it through picking a fight out of nowhere through procrastination. You have some different ways, Chris.

Yeah, well, I Mean, before I jump in the ways I was gonna, I just wanted to help people understand what upper limiting belief is. And I know that you hear the words, you know what it is, but I wanted to phrase it this way because a lot of people have trouble, like, quantifying it. It's the top of what you think you're capable of, what's really good for you and your situation. Right. So. Oh, the money I have in the bank account is about the best I've ever had. And so this is my upper limit. And I don't really need to do much more because it feels good at the moment. That's an upper limiting belief. Does that make sense or, oh, wow, I'm the healthiest and my body is kind of the best I've ever gotten it. So there's my upper limiting belief. It's the best it's ever been. Now I can cycle a little bit. And so when you hear upper limiting belief, a lot of people think it's this cloud over you. Why I just can't get ahead? No, upper limiting belief is when you've gotten ahead more than you normally do and then the sabotage kicks in instead of going past that point. That's the upper limiting belief.

So I want to go into a little bit more of how it shows up. I mentioned picking a fight out of nowhere. My God, you guys, this was something so real for me. Whenever I have something going right, I swear to you, it's like I feel this little thing inside of me, like, things are too good, things are going too well. And I'll find what's wrong. Either with me with a conversation with Chris, and my brain sometimes will go down that track and I'll observe it. I'll be like, look at how you are literally trying to sabotage this moment. Because maybe in this moment you were so used to feeling fight or flight all week long that now something just feels neutral. And you can celebrate that you need to sabotage it. You need it to feel like that inner turmoil or that chaos. Obviously procrastination, like I mentioned, is a huge one. Scrolling on your phone, telling yourself that maybe scrolling on your phone is you looking to learn about how to be on TikTok or learn something for Instagram. But if you don't have boundaries set on that, you really are just procrastinating. Another one that is so shocking but is so real is illness or accidents. Like, you start to not notice different things that you're doing, meaning you start to maybe not pay as close attention and you can cause accidents or for illnesses. He explains this so much better in the book, but he talks about how if you've just been let. Let's use you. For example, yesterday you had said this, you guys, we just got done with a big launch, and the launch was almost two weeks long, or the cart open was almost two weeks long. But leading up to the launch was months and months and months. And right as soon as we were done, we had a day off. Chris and I had a day off together. The first day off that I think we've had in about three months. And he was like, oh, God, I'm starting to notice that I don't feel good. And this is a lot of times shutting down. A lot of times what your body can do is actually start to shut down. Not only because you did didn't get any time to rest, but because if something went well and you want to keep on going, sometimes your body's like, I'm going to think of an illness and I'm going to create an illness.

You know, I wanted to jump in here because most people listening to them, I say, well, duh, your body started to shut down a little bit. You just said you didn't take a day off in three months. That's not always what's happening there. What's happening is, oh, you've reached a new peak. Instead of going on with the momentum to an even higher peak, we're going to adjust you back down to the top of what you're used to. And when you reconcile that in your head that that's what's going on, as opposed to just the excuse of like, oh, of course, you don't even take a day off in a few months. So maybe that's what happened. That's when you start to realize, nope, there's a ceiling. Nope, there it is again. Nope, there it is again. Oh, this is a pattern. This is a pattern. And if I allow, if I find a way to readjust my sights and blow through this upper limiting belief, then this pattern will stop showing up in that moment.

Yeah. So this is really interesting because that one too, could be about increasing the amount of time every day that you're willing to feel good inside. This is the question that he opens the book with is, you know, this is the. The four questions I want to ask you are. The first one is, am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside? And what is crazy, Chris, is you and I are so wired to be in that fight or flight that the first time we have A day off, it's like, oh, am I willing to actually feel good about it? Am I willing to actually celebrate this launch? Am I willing to actually sit in this moment right now instead of like feeling. Feeling like we have to feel urgency or feel fear or worry or create something again, which is really at the core of how we are wired? That's a lot of it is a lot of the things that we do. I know for me is like, oh, I always have to be earning, I always have to be achieving. And when I'm not, I can make myself feel really bad about it. And so the next question is super similar. Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well? And then the next one is, am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time? And the last one is, are you willing to take the big leap to your ultimate level of success in love, money and creative contribution? And he really dives deep into each of these, but talks about how having these upper limits is literally going to show up. Every time you ask yourself that question.

You'Ve heard people ask the question, how good can it get? And the problem is most of us can't comprehend it. So we just kind of put this attainable answer to that question. How good can I get? Well, this is the best it's ever been. So at some point it's got to go backwards now, right? How good can it get? Well, this is the best I've ever felt. So at some point soon it's got to go backwards. How good can it actually get? Well, this is the most money I've ever had. So at some point I've got to start, you know, going backwards, right? That's what always happens. And it's the learning of the fact that there can be new levels and a new pattern that doesn't have to match anything you've experienced. And the reason why it's so tough is your experience is your paradigm, and your paradigm is your reality. And your reality is literally what you know to be true. And so that's what makes it so hard to adjust this ceiling and to get to that next level and not fall victim to these patterns of upper limiting beliefs.

Oh, these next ones are so me worrying about things that don't matter in that moment, feeling sudden guilt or fear. These two, I mean, and I know that we can both think of our moms in terms of this as well. It's like the second things are going okay, or I have a moment of space to take a breath, what I do is I'll literally bring in old stories from my past to feel guilty about or oh my God, I didn't text that person back or what are they thinking? I will bring in things to feel bad about to bring my thermostat down if I have that clear day or clear time. And so I work really, really hard on focusing, shifting my focus to something else during these times. And you guys have to read the book because he dives deep into how to refocus. So today this is about observing what you're doing and choosing another thought. Like, truly, this is all I do all day long. I did this yesterday. I had a full day off. Chris, you were with your mom in Arizona. And I was like, I am taking this full day to just chill, stay off my ph, relax, do things that I want to do. I haven't had a day like this in so long. I noticed how much my brain kept pulling in, like weird guilt from it didn't matter where from. It just was like, I shouldn't be doing this. I should be focusing. I need to be learning TikTok shop right now. It was out of control. And I kept saying to myself, like, no, you need to recharge. If you want to have a good week, you need to recharge. Let's look at how beautiful a day this is. Let's get into gratitudes. I kept on doing things that would show shift my focus into something that wasn't self sabotage.

Someone's hearing this and they're saying, okay, what are those things? Because they recognize the same thing that you're describing, right? I should, I should, I should, I should, I should. Instead of enjoying the time off. So what specific things every time that came up did you shift to?

It shifted into, what am I grateful for right now? Like counting grateful for. Okay, it was, wow, look at this incredible day. Let's be really, really present. So like, let's be here in the moment in my body. What am I looking at? Like, o, oh, I'm looking at palm trees. I'm looking at beautiful weather. I'm looking at families out. And then I would be like, oh, but I'm not with my family. That's such a bummer. And I'm like, look at how my brain does that. So I, it would observe and go, oh, look at what I was just doing again. I was just sabotaging again. And like, oh, But I need this time alone by myself to reset. So I kept on choosing a more empowered, powerful thought whenever the negative thought.

Would come up and so that people understand how much work this is to bust through this and be aware of it. How many times did that happen during the day that you had to stop and say, nope, be present? What am I looking at? I'm looking at palm trees. Oh, I smell ocean air. Oh, it's sunny out. How many times during the day, realistically.

Noticeable, 20 to 30. Where I really took a stop and reset and switch.

So this isn't like, oh, good, I did it once in the morning. This is all day. You need to learn to immediately catch it and reframe it. Catch it and reframe it. And that's. You don't bust through a ceiling. You chip away through a ceiling. It's like escaping prison is how I'd say, right?

You're.

You found a little tool and you're chiseling and chiseling and chiseling this, this tunnel out of the prison. That's what it really looks like to quote, unquote, get through a ceiling or an upper limiting belief. People think, oh, I'm gonna bust through it. You're not. There's no way to leap through that cement ceiling. You chisel away, you chip away, and before you know it, you're free.

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Yeah, it's a repetitive chipping away until it becomes your new normal. Love it. All right guys, well, thanks for listening. We always love when you sign our DMs. Let us know what you think of the episodes, what else you want to learn about. And if you missed your chance to get into our mentor collective mastermind, doors are totally closed. Nothing you can do about it right now except put yourself on the waiting list because we're going to continue to add coaches. And as we add coaches, we're going to be bringing in. Let's just call them cohorts, if you will. Right. So staff up a few more coaches and then bring in another small cohort and staff up a few more coaches. So you want to be at the front of that waiting list each time. Right. It's like doors open for a minute closed. Doors open for a minute closed. So here's what you do. Go to Chrisharder, me forward slash Chrisharder, me mentor. Put yourself on the wait list, and you'll be in the front of the line for the next cohort.

All right, guys, thank you so much for tuning in, and we will see you next week. Bye, everyone.