In this conversational interview, Haley, John, and host Nick Stumbo discuss common pitfalls couples encounter when sharing past hurts and trauma. Haley describes how she "trauma dumped" extensive details of previous relationships onto John without a cohesive narrative, creating confusion and burden. John reflects that his well‑intentioned curiosity turned into "pain shopping"—extending the disclosure far beyond what was helpful and blurring the line between his own emotional processing and Haley’s. Nick highlights the paradox of wanting deep intimacy (knowing each other’s past) while the level of detail can become overwhelming, leading both partners to wish they hadn’t learned certain specifics. The group recommends that before disclosing heavy material, individuals should process it with a therapist or trusted friend to determine what is useful to share. They also warn against making a partner the sole source of emotional support, which can foster codependency and isolate the couple from broader community support. Finally, they stress the importance of obtaining consent before sharing a partner’s disclosed story with others (friends, mentors, family) and encouraging partners to feel free to seek external help without feeling trapped or obligated to protect the other. The conversation blends personal anecdotes with practical guidance for healthier disclosure practices.
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So what are some of the mistakes you would encourage couples to avoid in this area? For example, are there ways a couple might be oversharing or overburdening their partner in an effort to be completely honest?
So as we were kind of just alluding to, my story isn't one of sexual addiction, and yet there's some Significant pain from past dating relationships. And, um, early on in our relationship, John was the first person that I ever told some of this to, um, and I did not have a cohesive narrative, and I just trauma dumped all of these details, um, onto him. And that was, yeah, oversharing. I didn't have other people who were helping, um, give language to what was reality. Um, and so I was just showing up in a lot of confusion, which only created more confusion and pain then for Jon to have to carry.
And from a place of insecurity or being an armchair counselor, I leaned in with what I thought was curiosity, but in reflection was pain shopping, and began to almost victimize myself in the process of entering so deeply in that I lost sight of What's Haley's carry and what's mine to carry of like, oh, I need to be this boyfriend who works for pure desire and has all this stuff figured out, and I need to bring solve and rescue and protection. And I'm not trying to shame— those are really beautiful things to desire for somebody. But the way I leaned in that night took a conversation that should have been maybe more like 15 or 30 minutes into an hour or 2 hours, and the night just kept going. And not because of Haley's— Madness, but just simply— and I love that title. There's that concept of pain shopping that Dr. Ted talks about in Pillar 7, and I found myself squarely in that category, a bit blindsided by, like, I wasn't necessarily prepared, or, you know, I didn't come into that night going, now don't pain shop, don't pain shop. It's just, yeah, what I thought was curiosity wasn't.
I think a lot of us have known that experience, and it's a little bit like, you know, when someone's picking at a scab and you're like, I know I shouldn't be doing this, it's going to make it worse, but in a weird way it kind of feels good. And, and you go deeper, and we had some of that in our relationship, my wife and I, of sharing our past struggles of whether in dating or addictive behaviors, the level of detail felt like in the moment like, oh man, I really know you, but then it stuck with us. It's like, oh, I kind of wish I didn't know that detail about your past relationship.
Yes.
Like, it was fine to know that you'd crossed some physical lines, but the level of detail we went to was like, huh. And I don't think we were wise enough at the time to know that maybe wasn't going to help us. And so back to one of the things you said, John, I appreciate, I think if you are telling your dating partner and that's the first time you've told anyone, just to be aware, you're maybe on some thin ice in terms of let's be careful with our detail because I think we probably have all done that. If we meet someone we want to spend our life with, we're ready to open up like, I want you to know me.
Yes.
But if I realize I'm going into something like, I've never told anyone, like maybe I should process with a counselor a little bit.
Yeah.
Or I should talk to a trusted friend, just say, hey, what level of this would be helpful for me to share with my boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé. And the one other thing I'd see is in terms of a mistake I think couples make is if that person becomes our sole source of comfort, support, counsel, whatever it is. Because I don't want people to feel like, well, I shouldn't rely on them at all. I mean, this is your— if you think this is your future spouse, they're going to be part of your support network. They should be part of encouraging you, loving you, like, you know, accepting you the way you are. And that is a support. But if they're the That can become, in a way, like a codependent relationship of, I can't be good unless you're good, and I'm not gonna function well if you don't help me. And, and I think that's where sometimes couples, in their desire to love and support one another, don't realize that they've kind of become an enclave unto themselves and not having a community of people that are part of their life.
2 things just to name really clearly, like, one, in honor, I was so grateful for Haley's honesty. Like, though that moment became painful, I was also so aware of her character that said, I'm so into this relationship. I'm so committed to not hiding. I'm so committed to these core principles that we were holding that, like, there was this beautiful level of sharing. And, like, just to name, like, I truly think I didn't aid that moment. Like, I didn't show up well. And it just made it worse. And then the second thing is, I just think, you know, for our audience, I think historically from just the statistics, there are probably more women in our audience who have experienced that, like, this guy shares this deep, heavy story. Oh no, what do I do with it? And just to say, like, you deserve support, whether that's a man or a woman being, you know, hit with this deep level of sharing, like, please talk. And I think that's sometimes the tension, right, of like, Let's just say I had shared something with Haley that she was uncomfortable with. Does she honor me by not telling somebody, or can she be honest by processing this with a mentor? I think we began to like really unpack that of like I was grateful to have a group and have people where I felt like I could say, "Hey, like here's what Haley and I are processing, you know, regarding where she's been and where we're coming, like how we're coming into this relationship." And I was so grateful for that. And I remember even telling Haley at times of like. Hey, like you have the freedom to tell a friend. You have the freedom to tell a mentor. Like please process this with somebody. Like you don't have to protect me. Like you can be honest, and I don't want you to feel trapped or isolated or alone. And I think a lot of couples again, whether it's the male or the female in the relationship, can feel really trapped and isolated when you get this overwhelming information of pain or brokenness. And what do you do? And That level of honor and respect and honesty, that's a really tricky place to navigate.
Yeah, that's a really good point to bring up, that as you go to these honest places in your relationship and you feel the need to share with someone else, making sure you have that freedom and permission. Like, hey, would it be okay if I shared this with my brother or my mentor or whoever else you kind of go to for that support? Because I do think the other person should know, hey, parts of my story might get shared.
Absolutely.
And to have it happen like, You know, let's say in your friend circle, someone makes a comment about part of your story, like, oh, I didn't know they knew that. Did you tell them?
Right.
And like, those can be really hard conversations that might feel like our confidentiality was broken by you to get support. So just be aware of that. Like, yeah, you might wanna process, but do it in a way that the other person feels, hey, they're treating my information safely too.
