Centerstage Monday 2024- The Audition
The transcript captures a chaotic, comedic audition and callback session staged by a flamboyant stage manager (Robin) and featuring a cast of eccentric auditionees. The piece opens with a rushed time‑limit for a performer’s piece, moves through a series of rapid‑fire introductions, impromptu monologues, and absurd song snippets (e.g., a “little teapot” rendition). Characters adopt exaggerated personas—"the artist formerly known as Question Mark," Julianne Reyes, Imar Irving/Mac, and others—while the stage manager interjects with logistical demands, meta‑theatrical commentary, and self‑referential jokes about the theater world. The dialogue weaves in references to classic works (Medea, A Midsummer Night’s Dream), pop culture, and invented absurdities (e.g., “If a Shrimp Cocktail Can Talk”). The session culminates in a mock rehearsal of a Medea scene, with actors improvising lines, questioning their roles, and the stage manager delivering a hyper‑dramatic monologue about his own importance. Throughout, the piece satirizes audition culture, the power dynamics of production staff, and the performer's struggle for identity, using rapid repetition, broken fourth walls, and playful language.
Chapters
I'm the stage manager. Well, it's very nice to meet you. My name is Kelly. You have 40 seconds. 40 seconds for what? Your piece. You see, we're running a bit behind schedule due to some people going over their time. You understand. You have 30 seconds. 30 seconds for my audition piece? Yes. Well, I better hurry. When I first met Kelly, I knew there was trouble. Thank you! Thanks. Now if you could please wait outside and stay off the tape.
Next!
Hello, do you have a headshot and resume? Hello, my name is the artist formerly known as Question Mark. I believe in the art of acting through the theatrical sphere of pure movement. Interesting perspective. Do you have a piece prepared? This piece is entitled "The Great Bang." Whenever you're ready.
That was interesting.
Um, since we have extra time, I'd like to ask you a few interview questions. On second thought, let's skip the interview questions. If you could just wait outside.
Next!
Next! Next!
Hi!
Hi! You are Miss... Julianne Reyes? Jules! Miss Jules. All right, Miss Reyes, what will you be performing for us today? Oh, I will be singing a song for you today. Wonderful. Do you need accompaniment? Uh, no, just a piano player. Since we are trying to squeeze one during lunch, our accompanist is on break. Would you be able to sing a cappella? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I know that one, but I think I could just work out any music.
Wonderful.
Whenever. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Lula!
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear president.
Happy birthday to you.
Do you have a classical piece prepared? Yes, I do. Wonderful. Can you maybe see it? Oh, I don't think you can see it, but you can hear it. Then may we hear it?
Oh, sure.
Thank you. Whenever you're ready. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a little teapot.
Short and plump.
Here is my handle, and here is my spout. And when I get all steamed up, oh, hear me shout, shout, shout! But if you can't stand the heat, take two, take two! For me, I will shoot Potter's shirt. Yes, shoot. But here's an example of what I can do.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
If you can't stand the heat, They just pour me out! Pour! I'd like to ask you a few interview questions.
Oh, great!
Lovely. It says here on your resume that you did a show on Broadway. Yeah, I did a show on Broadway. New York is an amazing city. Oh yes, I'd love to go there one day. Go there? You said you did a show on Broadway. What? Oh, Rob Bagley! Oh, community theater. That is just wonderful. Could you please just go away? I'll go away. I mean, could you please just wait outside? Oh, sure. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you!
Next!
All right, our director is ready for your audition whenever you are.
I'll be out for just a moment, so whenever you're ready.
Cheers and hello, my name is Imar Irving and we're performing the part of Eaglet, the ostrich egg, from the play If a Shrimp Cocktail Can Talk, Why Don't We Have a Barley Supper? Sides of seashells on seashore, sides of seashells on seashore, black ones blood, black ones blood. Excuse me, my staff, yes please. Tube you like aluminium, tube you like aluminium, let us steal from our enemies aluminium. The moon is your soil now. It moves across the crimson flame of the sun. That marshmallow in the sky is like a woman's heart. And you jog and you pull and you cry and you laugh. Wood is hard. Oatmeal is lumpy. Shrimp are fresh. Shrimp is brittle, brittle, brittle, brittle. Snaps in your hand like a stock of celery in there.
Scene!
Thank you, thank you. Oh no, it's not written by Sam Shepard, okay.
Oh!
You found me.
I should. Our director would like to ask you a few interview questions if you have a moment.
Yes, I'd love to stay and chat, tea time and all that. This is great, fine, good.
Robin!
That is so interesting. M.R.
Irving.
Interesting.
Mr. Irving, do you have a first name? I do. And what would that be?
Macbeth. Rob Bagley!
I don't have time for games, mister. Now, what is your first name?
Macbeth.
You see, my parents were slaves to the theater, and that's what the M stands for.
Everyone just calls me Mac.
Mac, wonderful, great. Well, tell us who we call you when all bad and don't act right and— So here's where the director would like you to stay for callbacks. Fantastic.
So if you could just wait right here.
Left, right.
Wonderful.
On behalf of myself and the director, I'd like to welcome you all to callbacks. We made the callbacks.
Wow.
Okay, gloves, okay, shorts, bliss. All right, um, first up, could I get Kelly Peterson right here? Then Julianne Reyes, right here. Then the artist formerly known as Question Mark, right here. And then Matt, right here.
Matt Pitt.
Would you all please take a step downstage? Your downstage or my downstage? Just take a step. We're all wearing pretty cool— All right, well, these are your scripts. Robin!
These are your scripts.
Would you like to take a look at them? And let's see, can you guys turn to page—
11.
Page 11. Our director is currently out, so now would be a good time to rehearse the scene. For the scene, I will have Ms. Reyes reading for the part of Medea. Is Medea the lead? Well, the play is called Medea. Never heard of it. Have you ever read the script? No, I don't read books. What do you read?
Let's see.
Magazines, billboards, and streetlights.
See, streetlights.
Medea, who is a Greek drama. It's a play. Oh, so what kind of job is this lady have? Medea. Right, so what kind of job does this Maddie have? She drowned her children, leaves the scene, is wanted for murder while I'm also distributed to the eternal soul.
Oh!
Bummer. Yes, a bummer. Are you talking to me? Uh, yeah. Nobody ever talks to me. You're the first person who has ever said hello. Nobody ever talks to me. So thank you. Thank you so much. Of course. My name's Jules, nice to meet you. Hi Jules, it's rare to have a conver— conver— uh, conversation? Yeah, that's what it's called. You see, every night I sit in the darkness waiting for my cues. The only time anyone ever talks to me is when they want something. "Hey Robin, can you fly the scenery?" Or "Hey Robin, carry this set piece, will ya?" Robin of the prop set, Robin of the costume funder. Or, "Hey Robin, can you adjust those lights?" Or, "Robin, can you fix the sound system?" Or, "Robin, can you run to Willa and pick up some coffee for me?" It's just Robin this and Robin that, every day and every night. Robin, Q21, go! Robin, Q89, go! Robin, Q279, go! Robin, Robin, Robin, Robin! Get back to work. Yes, Your Excellency. So, Maddie's drama? Matt, I will be having you read for the part of Jason.
Jason is the part I was born to play. Lovely.
Kelly, I will have you read for the part of the chorus leader. And you, I'm gonna have you be the part of the chorus, so if you could just act or interpret. Interpretive dance, or whatever it is that you do, that would be great. Now, whenever you're all ready for the scene. O, whither can I turn me now? To my father's house? To my own country? Which I for thee deserted to come hither, to that houseless daughter of a palace? Shall I welcome my foes with a giddy in their own court, of their own home, to squabble there?
Aye, in fact.
Yea, my case stands even thus. I become the bitter foe of those of mine own home. Those who I never wronged I've made mine enemies to deserve thee. Yea, oh, woe is me if indeed I should be cast forth from exile. Without one friend, one old woman to obey for more. Nay, if I am approached to thee, I give thee in thine own home, to thine bridal hour, that thy children and thy wife who saved thy life are but beggars and vagabonds. O Zeus, why hast thou shown unto man to know the clear signs of the shadowy gold? —while on man's brow no band stamps where God's page fell apart. There's something terrible in pastoral cure when quarrels rise 'twixt those who are nearer in the year. But in excess and pastoral limits, Love doth come. Sire, preeminent queen, and moderate might approach. No goddess is so full of charm as she. Never, O never, lady mine, discharge at me with thy golden bow a shaft invincible in passion's bed of ditch.
Needs I must now and seems, put it away, sir, like a and put a helm to our ship, and load reefed sails, whether that be that wearisomeness will die. Now I believe, since thou art exasperated by Phaedrus, that to Cythere, alone of gods and men, I owe the safety of my voyage. Thou art the sovereign thereof. Yet it were a hateful thing for me to say that love hath constrained thee by thine resistless shaft to save my life. Yet, Allah, reckon this, 'course kindly done, and thou wilt serve me. Then I shall be more set deep than ever I was. There shall be no warmth within my halls, nor skill to sing a fair strain than ever Orpheus sang, unless my fame be spread abroad. O grim-looked knight, O knight, if you so lack, O knight whose name is not, alack, alack, alack, have ye my Thisby's promises forgot? O show me thy wall, O sweet wall, 'tis your need I think. I went through with my own eyes!
Stop, stop! That's not in the script. What character are you reading for?
Bottom. Bottom? Bottom from A Midsummer Night's Dream. I found this part of the play rather depressing, so I thought I'd lighten it up a bit.
We are doing Medea. So, question: is this like a variety show? No, this is Medea. Still never heard of it. You people are unbelievable.
You know you don't have to treat us like this.
Who even are you anyways? Who am I? I'll tell you who I am. I make sure this production is on track, on time, and under budget. My only social life is with my crew. I'm brought here with 9 cats, 6 goldfish, and a turtle, of whom I never see. My only form of entertainment is infomercials that play at 3 o'clock in the morning because that is the time I get home after picking up the chocolate donuts you scattered across the stage after lazily rehearsing all day. I sit in the back of the theater waiting for the director to keel over so that I can finally use my director-like authority in the most demeaning manner possible. I am the darkest secret in the back of a full house. I'm a fly on the wall listening to every word you say because I can make or break you. I, Benjamin Franklin, Pablo Picasso, and Norah Jones all comprised into one beautiful, awe-inspiring, right-brain virtuoso. I make order out of the unimaginable art of live theater because I am the one, I am the only, I am the stage manager! I just made what she made. It's Susan.
Susie, you know, growing up in Kensington. I knew a fine lass by the name of Susie. She was quite beautiful. I had a marvelous crush on her, and I must say, she was very much—
Okay, is that real? Excuse me? Where did you say you were from again? London, of course. Say, the children in hell can be considered The children are home from the conservatory. Conservatory?
Observatory. Conservatory. Conservatory.
You don't run the tory together. I've seen anything. It's true. I've seen every Hugh Grant movie, and you definitely don't sound like him.
You know what?
I think you may be on to something here.
You trying to say from the thought made it? What have you got to hide?
Nothin'. Good. Advertisement. Advert. Potato. Potato. Tomato. Tomato.
Truck. Lorry.
Toilet. Loo. Baseball. Cricket. Sharkbait. Thunderbirds. One more time. Oh, she said "Sasquatch." Honey, you know what she's saying. After 2 years of lying in high school, Duh!
Loch Ness Monster.
Twilight Zone.
Doctor Who.
Tony Zavala's.
Patrick Stewart.
Cable TV. HBO. TiVo. Digital TV.
BBC One. BBC Two. BBC Three. BBC Four!
Meat and potatoes. Bangers and mash. French fries. Chips. Pigs in a blanket. Toad in the hole. Nice. Oh, it's good. Uh, let's see. Baywatch? Spice Girls? Spice Girls.
Is that all? Have y'all seriously Keep it up.
That's not— still don't believe it's real.
What do you mean? Is there nothing? Nothing wrong? Anything? I didn't think so. It's flawless.
You're tasting English food. Haggis. Aha, haggis is the most disgusting food ever created. Please, please, please, please, please. It's all the body parts of a swinging Todd stuck in a sausage. See, you're a fake. All right, you got me.
I'm a fake. I'm from New York.
You had me. Why do you think that, Seth?
Because growing up in the Bronx, no one even talks to you unless you're from somewhere else. You know, as a kid, I was sort of a loner, watched a lot of TV. And one day my dad told me to go film with him this one show, My Life as a Geek, down in Manhattan.
All those crazy characters, Lance Mackris, John Randall, hey Papa Bear, what you got there Papa Bear?
Started to lose myself in that show. I wanted to become those characters because I associated with them. And one day in my grandmother's garden, I saw this beautiful flower, purple Brady. I stepped closer. My heart began to pound.
Wait a minute. My Life is Geek was set in Manhattan, but it was filmed in LA. You couldn't have gone to any tapings in Manhattan? Because there weren't any. Alright.
I'm from Beaver County. I grew up in a regular, stable household with no internal problems. My mother is in the PTA. Yeah, I've lost my teeth lately. I rented a dialect tape so I sound more exotic. Why? Because walking through theater with an English accent, everyone thinks you're Kenneth Branagh. Cut! Please.
Can you do a spin? You certainly don't look like Kenneth Branagh. That certainly does not.
Look, it works. I have a reputation. As a fake. Who isn't a fake in this business? We all come into theater to wear a mask. Become someone you're not. I rather like that.
You swiped that from Eric Bentley. Look, I sincerely apologize.
I really do. But I'll do anything. I'll take any role. Any role? Any role! You want me to what? On stage with a plastic camel? I've seen a lot of strange things in this business, and I go to bed at night thinking many strange questions. Is reality art for art's sake? Is David Hasselhoff really an actor? But I do know this, and I know this one thing. That never in my whole life, if I was the last actor in the M33 galaxy, will I ever talk!
Hi, are you here for auditions?
Actors?
