Centerstage Monday 2024- Why Do We Laugh?

And then you come home and say, "What's for dinner?" And I say, "Dinner? I thought you were taking me out to dinner." And then we both laugh. Why do we laugh? Because we just do. Then I say, "We're having steak and potatoes and carrots and ice—" Why do we laugh? Just because. Now we think you are coming. Dinner. Dinner.

Dinner?

I thought you were taking me out to dinner. Andrew!

Hello?

Hello? Is Andy there?

Uh, this is Andy.

Hi Andy, this is Meredith.

Oh, uh, hi Meredith. Hi, I'm calling about this letter you sent me. Oh, uh, the letter. Well, it's a poem.

That's what I thought, but I can't read most of it. Your handwriting is terrible.

Anyways, why did you send me a poem? Oh, um— It's an English assignment. I was wondering if you could correct it for spelling and grammar and things like that.

I would if I could read it. Do you think you could make me another copy?

No, that's okay. I have it memorized. You can follow along in your copy.

Alright. Dear Meredith.

Um, that's not part of the poem. It just says that in the letter.

Dear Meredith.

You are the sun of my sunshine, for your kisses are like wine.

Wait, you've missed a line. What? Off in the margin, it says, "I think, haha." For your kisses are like wine, I think, haha?

Um, that's a joke, so you won't be bored while you're reading it.

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

You work real hard, which I admire, yet Through it all, you don't perspire. Understood there.

You used the wrong kind of through. It should be T-H-R-O-U-G-H instead of T-H-R-E-W. I used to do that all the time. Go ahead.

Through it all, you don't perspire. Your hair stays straight, your smile sweet. My gosh, I think you're really neat. You're good at everything you do, riding bikes and skating too. Knitting clothes and cooking rice.

Wait, there's another line there. That's not important. No, wait, I want to read this. It says, and maybe saying, no, and maybe someday people will be growing rice in this too.

Andy? Um, Meredith, it's dinner time. I have to go. Um, knitting clothes and cooking rice. By gosh, I think you're really, really nice. Bye, Meredith. Bye, Andy.

Bill, I just don't like the idea after all. Meredith, I am 66 years old. It is not too early to be thinking of these things. Any time is too early. I'm saving someone else, maybe even you, the trouble. I do know my own life best. Will you listen to me? Andrew G. Powers, a lifelong resident of Fieldsburg, Massachusetts, died yesterday. The blank of blank, born November 15th, 1968, he attended Laramie Grammar— two Ts in his hand— he attended Laramie Grammar School and then went on to Fall River Junior High School where he studied hard and received good grades— almost good grades— while being active in baseball, basketball, and drama. In 1982, he married his lifelong sweetheart, Meredith Also from Pittsburgh. She bared him one son, Philip. What? She bore him one son. Oh, she bore him one son, Philip. And they were very happy up until his death yesterday, the blank of blank. Funeral services will be taken care of by blank mortuary. Heading for your house, dear? Hello? Is Margaret there? Hi Maggie, I just had to call and tell you, but if I say it on this party line, the whole town will know by tomorrow. You know Blake? No, the other Blake. The one that wore different colored socks today. He asked me to the— to the one that's coming up at school next week. You know, the Blake? Since I was 4 or 5. Our mothers are really good friends. I was awfully excited and I tried not to show it, but he was nervous and couldn't hide it. Not only that, he just had asthma right in the middle of it and he had to go lie down after he asked me. It was really painful. I had to pretend like I didn't know what he was talking about. So I said, "Dance? What dance?" Well, you still don't know who it is? Anyways, I said, "Dance? What dance?" And he said, "The dance next week." And I said, "No, I'm not going to it. Why do you ask?" And then his asthma got worse. He might have faked that though. I'm not sure. The rest of it was real though. I've seen him before and he's not that good an actor. Anyways, after a minute he said, "Do you want to go with me?" And then he held up his hand to say, "I'll talk to you later," and left. He didn't even wait for an answer. Of course I'm going to say yes. I like Andy. I mean, Blake? I guess it doesn't matter. I'll talk to you tomorrow night. Right now, I have to go tell my mother. Thanks, I'll need it. Bye. All right, I give in.

You? Really? I— you quit? I win? Yes! Wow, I'm glad. We've been married for 20 years and not once, not once, have I won an argument against you.

You've never been right before. Never. Well, maybe once or twice. Andrew! Hello? I want to speak to the President. Mr. Kennedy, this is your favorite niece, Meredith Hope, right from Fieldsbury, Massachusetts. I just called to tell you that you're really doing a good job, but still there are some things I need to tell you. Can I come to your house on Tuesday? Good. Oh, and can I bring my friend Andrew? He doesn't live here, but he comes to play. You can send him home if you don't like him. Bye. See? I told you so. Not if we play a game. No. The president said no.

Meredith, why does your nose wrinkle when you say the word nope?

Be quiet. But wha— Be quiet! Let's say whenever you say a word, I get to hit you. No! That's the word. That's not fair! Don't! Stop it! We're starting a game. I get to hit you. No! Be quiet! I don't want to! You better be quiet. If you say something, then I can hit you. Wait! When you don't say anything, then I'm gonna hit you! No, but you just said something, so now I do! No, because I was just telling you something, so now I'm gonna hit you! No, that's not the rule! Now I hit you because— Ah! Andrew!

No, ma'am, I wasn't letting her cheat.

I think she was trying to look at my watch to see how much time you had left.

Time's up.

Why didn't you let me see your answers? I told you I didn't have time to study and now I failed! It wouldn't have been right. It wouldn't have been right! It was just a few answers, I would have done it for you. But Meredith! Be quiet! I hate you! I had the best grade in the class and now I'm practically failing. Meredith, I just couldn't. Right! I forgot you're perfect and you never do anything wrong!

I lied for you! I told her you were trying to lift my watch!

That was real quick thinking. A 5-year-old could have thought of that. I should have thought of a better answer than that. I should have sat near Elizabeth. At least Elizabeth gets keys. I'm sorry. It was just a few answers and I would have done it for you.

Are you still willing to dance together?

Yes? I don't meet you that much. Did my mother already buy me a dress? My mother? We were gonna go looking for shoes. I hope I'm not late.

What time is it? It's 10 after 3 o'clock.

That's 12 seconds. We'll make it.

You might need a 45. Bye.

Hating by Meredith Wilfred. Hating somebody is when you don't like them. A lot. It is when you want them to die. But not really. I paint Elizabeth Graves and Martha Shepherd and Troy Martin and Andrew Powers and Jerry— Yes, ma'am? But there isn't any other part. Except how I paint Robert Caldwell and Jerry Sarton and Eddie— But— The end. There is another here, here in the 3 AM stillness, in the quiet after and before the cyclone, the hurricane's eye, here in the 3:01 stillness, where the darkness silhouettes a windswept remembrance of you, together, searching for night rainbows. Dear Margaret. Dear darling.

Dear dog.

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, I don't know where to begin. Andrew had a little asthma this morning. Even so, it was far less severe than I remember it being. But as he lay on the couch with me comforting him, he looked up at me and said, "Darling, will you still love me when I am old and fat and bald and senile?" And I said, "You are already old and fat and bald and senile." It was a joke, Maggie, but he didn't laugh. He just lay there, and finally he said, "Oh." Sitting here at 67 years old, 68 next month, I have to pause and wonder what it means to be old. I recently read that from the time a human is 3 years old, 10,000 brain cells die each day. I don't believe it. That can't be true. Why, that would mean I lost approximately 124 million brain cells. Science doesn't have all the answers, not yet. How is everything as recent today as it was the day I was born?

Thank you for another good day. I played with Robert and his dog, Bear, from after breakfast to a little before now, when it got dark. Remember to bless Robert and his dog. And also, I want a dog like Hairdo, please. And bless Meredith's swing set.

I want one of those. And Eddie's sandbox.

And Robert's cookie jar, that's always full. Also, I want Meredith's baby brother, who doesn't throw up like mine does. Make that rather as recent today as the day I graduated from high school. And bless mother and father and Eddie who pushed Meredith when she called me stupid. But— and Eddie's mother and father for saying it was probably an accident. And bless Robert's magnifying glass. And I want one of those. And bless Robert's mother's scarf with the burn hole in it where we burned it with the magnifying glass. Also bless Meredith. I'm sorry she has hurt knees. Amen.

I tried to explain that it was a joke, but he just lay there smiling, the kind of half smile that says, "Sure, it was a joke." He looked so awful that after a while I gave up trying to talk to him and just talked about memories. I talked about the time when we were children and used to catch squirrels and try to train them. I talked about the time we were 7 and I broke my arm when I fell over a tree. And for the next 8 weeks, he wore his arm in a sling so that the other children wouldn't only stare at me. And when we had finished, he looked up at me and said, "Meredith, am I really old?" Oldness by Meredith Wilfred. When you get old, the first thing that starts to get old is your brain. You start liking boys. Then you get wrinkles on your face, like the ones you have, Miss Halphey. Then your hair turns gray, and if you're really old, then it falls out. But don't worry, Mrs. Halphey, because your hair's only gray, not falling out. Also, your teeth fall out, you need a cane to lean on to prove to people how old you are. I don't want to get old because of liking boys and my hair turning gray, but I do want to get old so that I can get married and have children. The end. I had a bad thing happen today. Oh, what was that? I sat down with her granddaughter. What's more likely every day? And I tried to tell her a joke. And? I couldn't remember it. I can't remember a single one. It was going to be a knock-knock joke, like the ones we used to tell each other when we were kids. Don't be ridiculous, we didn't have knock-knock jokes when we were kids. Our grandchildren tell us knock-knock jokes. That's not the point. The point is I can't remember a single one. It's a sign of age, Mom. Andrew, lately you say everything is a sign of age. You're right. Why do I do that? I get all fixed on something and I can't get it out of my head. It must be a sign of age. Andrew, you're worried about nothing. I'm a year older than you and I'm not worried. Just intrigued. Well, it's getting late and I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Don't be too much longer or you'll be late tomorrow. I'm just going to finish this article and then I'll be right in. Knock knock. Who's there? Candle up. Candle up who?

Can't open now, sweetie, my father's the latter.

Knock knock. Who's there? Tarzan. Tarzan who?

Tarzan Strikes Forever. I don't get it. Please be quiet. Knock knock. Who's there? Uh, I forget. Knock knock. Who's there? The monster. The monster who? The monster with the big green eyes. You dummy. This is super fun. We didn't have knock-knock jokes when I was a kid. Be quiet. Knock-knock. Who's there? Banana. Who? I mean— Knock-knock. Who's there? Asma. Asma who? Asma, eyes long for you. So is my heart. Knock-knock. Come in.

Here's a good one. Knock-knock. Who's there? Shelly. Shelly who? Shelly, eat your peanut before you eat it, or else you'll choke. That's another good one. Who's there? Olive.

Olive who? I love you. Here? What? I love you too. Now go to bed.

Thelma Taylor looks good at the bake sale today. What? Thelma Taylor.

She's been looking sad lately, and today she looked Andrew, sometimes I honestly think you do it to annoy me.

Do what? Talk about other women, especially ones you know are interested. She's not interested in me.

You know she is. She— Wait, I didn't expect you to be jealous.

I'm just glad that an attractive woman like Thelma Taylor is interested in you.

Not attractive! She's ugly! She's ugly! She kicks dogs!

Kicks dogs? What?

It's true! I saw her the other day kicking a He was a little dog that just wanted to be petted. You know what I said to her when I saw her kicking that poor little ball of fur?

"Quick, Velma, over here! I'm open!" No!

Stop that right now! That dog never did anything to you! It's about time you stop thinking you're more important than everyone else and learn to respect the rights of others.

You said that?

You? No. But I wanted to. I wanted to tell her that she better quit being such a— a hussy and that her breast stinking out was probably why her fiancé left her and—

Wait, wait a minute. Thelma's not a bad person. She has things wrong with her, but she's still a good person.

So don't be too mean. You just be careful she doesn't score any points! You're right, though. I was unkind to her and unfair to you. You know, you teach me a lot. I am so much smarter than you, but you still teach me things. Actually, I think it's mutual. Oh? Yes, like that joke you made just now. I don't think you would have been able to make that joke 10 years ago. Oh, I don't mean that. I mean— never mind. I know I learn from you, and I know I have a lot to learn.

Hey Thelma, pass the ball. I'm open.

We both do. Meredith, we've known each other what, 63, 64 years now? Yes? In all that, If you had to pick a memory from all that time, what would it be? In all that time? Oh, I'd have to think about that, Lulu. Why don't you go first? I don't know. I know I've never been happier than on our wedding day. Oh, I've been as happy, just never happier. Strange enough, I haven't been able to remember the wedding day very well. I must have been dazed. In a nice sort of way. But I remember the reception vividly. That I have tried to forget. With my mother's knee, you mean? Yes. There you were, talking to the fellows, with your hand on my mother's knee. I thought it was yours. We were both wearing white. And only 30 years of difference between us. Anyone could have made the mistake. It wasn't just a mistake. It was bad enough looking across the room to see my husband caressing my mother's knee, but when your hand started creeping up towards her thigh— I know you believe me. It wasn't that bad. It's good you didn't come up to the hotel room though, 'cause otherwise— Meredith, you're off the subject. You're going to the memories? I can't pick one. Why don't you pick another one? I guess it would be the play we were in. I was in 10th year, remember? We were lucky that your uncle was a drama teacher. We both would have never gone to Maybe not so lucky. The king is dead. Yeah, you're right, our dog king is dead, but thankfully The King of the Netherlands is still alive and prospering. But tell me, what was it you really came here to say? The ring!

The ring is lost, and if not returned in 7 days, the King will die. It's not my fault. It was a big part. I only had 6 weeks to memorize the lines.

Wait, you can't talk? You can't do anything except what I think? That's what you think. That's what I said. No, that's what you thought.

You listen to me, Rob! Or you're what?

After all, I'm only a memory.

Dear, what? Who were they to you? I guess you're right. If I have to pick a memory, it won't be from childhood. What? You were mean to me sometimes. Was I? Sometimes. For example? When you wouldn't come near me for a week because you said I kissed the dog on the lips. I did not! You did too! I did not! You did too, I saw you! You made me! Uh-huh! You said that if I didn't, you would tell Robert not to like me! No, because I was married! Please, why? You're not the boss of me. Why should I? Because I said so. No, because you thought so. After all, I'm only a memory. Have you thought of one yet? What? Quiet! You'll wake our grandson. Have you thought of a memory yet? Not yet. But I do remember a party. A surprise party for my 44th birthday. That was a nice party. Though maybe not so nice of a year. The fights, you mean? I don't know if I'd call them fights so much as loud arguments. But they were serious. Maybe not always so serious.

Martha Shepherd can move one buttock independently. From the other. No word of that, Professor! No word, just a comment of general interest.

What are you talking about?

It's just nothing. You were just sitting there looking so bored, and I thought I'd mention a rather unusual ability of Martha Shepherds.

What does that have to do with anything?

Doesn't have to do anything with anything. It's just something I happened to notice. Quiet town, really.

I don't understand!

There's nothing to understand. It's true. I noticed it when we were dancing at the country club, and she was leaning back and forth against Jonathan, and she was swaying left and right, and her buttocks were moving up and down, almost like pistons. Not only that, but—

Since when have you taken to staring at Martha Shepherd's booty? Wait a minute.

I didn't expect you to be mad about this. Well, what did you expect?

Raving about some other woman's rear end?

I wasn't raping, I was just saying that sometimes when she's really enjoying herself, her right one will move right and left, back and forth, and the left one completely still.

Once I even thought she was waving it at me. I think you are. You know, it was a little bit funny. Wait, that's not what happened. You stayed mad for 3 days. I know, but I see now that I was being unreasonable. Besides, it was innocent enough, your comment. That's what you thought. No, that's what you think. After all, I'm only a memory. Well, have you thought of one yet? No. Me either. It's harder than I thought it would be. I know. Why do you think that is? There's just There's so many to choose from. You know, just thinking about it puts a funny feeling in my stomach. Hunger? You know what I mean. I know. You know what I mean? It's only 5:30. Already? What's for dinner? Dinner? I thought you were taking me out to dinner. Yeah!