400 - Is Stress Killing Your Sex Drive? w/ Dr. Emily Morse

Hey there. I'm Marie Forleo, and For the last 20 years, I've helped millions of people transform their businesses and lives. If you're ready to make the difference you were born to make, get ready, because this is the Marie Forleo podcast.

In this episode, you'll hear some adult language. So if you've got little ones around, grab your headphones.

Now we all get naked, close our eyes, get in the dark with our partner, and hope for the best. What made that sex particularly hot?

I spent a really long time thinking that I was broken.

There are steps we need to take to get to our arousal and our desire. I used to think that my partner was responsible for my orgasm. People are like, when are you gonna get to the job tips and the things I'm like, dude, I will get there. But let me tell you what's happening. Today could be the first day of the rest of your sex life.

Have you lost your libido and wonder how or if you can ever get it back? Has your sex drive and your sex life gone down the damn drain? And when it comes to intimacy and pleasure and sex, if you are definitely not living your best life, this episode can and will change the game. Emily Morse is a doctor of human sexuality and the host of the number one award winning podcast, Sex with Emily, which has been on the air for nearly two decades. She's been profiled everywhere from the New York Times, the Today Show, Men's Health, Glamour, and more. Her goal is to liberate conversations around sex. And her fantastic book, Smart Sex, will help you reframe your relationship to pleasure and learn how to have the best damn sex of your life. One of the things that you say, Emily, is sex and pleasure. I should say pleasure specifically is productive. Now, we got a lot of type A humans, specifically women, who pay attention to our show. And I can hear them already what they're saying, like, are you kidding me? Like, I'm already exhausted. I have so much on my plate. You're gonna now want me to prioritize pleasure? So why is pleasure productive? And what would you say to the women out there listening right now going, like, I don't need one more thing to fix in my life. I don't need one more thing to put on my to do list.

Okay, so first, let's define pleasure. I am sex with Emily. So some people think I'm talking about you should be having more sex. I'm not necessarily talking about sex. I'm talking about pleasure. The things in your life that make you feel Good. It could be. And I. And I offer people to make a list of those things. What are the things that are to make me feel good this week? I know that I'm type A. I know that I have a million things going on. My to do list just keeps growing and growing and growing. So. So is it a walk with a friend? Playing with my dog? Is it getting a massage? What are the things that I'm gonna do for myself that's in that pleasure under that pleasure umbrella? And the reason why it's productive to include these things in your schedule is because pleasure begets pleasure. The more pleasure we have, the more pleasure we want. But also it releases all those feel good chemicals in our brain. Like, pleasure is good for us. And so when we are hustling and we're working and 247 and I am there, I am one of those women. But I have found that when I don't make that time, that is, you know, for me, for connection, for intimacy, for whatever it is, you know, then I'm just the stressed person working 247 and it doesn't work. And then again, I'm gonna go back to pleasure. Beginning pleasure. The more dribbles of pleasure, we put in drips of pleasure here. So now, for example, what I do is I'll look at my, you know, my own overly scheduled schedule. And I have learned now that if I don't have something in there that's like, when's my dinner with friends? Because to me, that's pleasurable.

Yeah.

When is my nature walk? When is the time that I'm just gonna, like, you know, read? You know, I. I have to make sure that those things are included because I know what it does for my overall well being.

I love that. And I love that you extended it beyond just sex. Because there have been many times in my life, like, you know, Josh and I have been together now for over 20 years. And, you know, generally speaking, you let me know you're sex with Emily. I am not sex with Marie. Right. It's like I'm in a whole. Not yet. Yeah, no, I don't think we're going there. However, you know, there's times he's like, babe, I'm. You know, let's. And I have such a hot. I'm like, do you have any idea what I got on my shoulders right now? Like, I can't even go there. I love you. You're hot. He's amazing. You know what I mean? I don't want anyone out. I'm just like, dude.

Last thing on.

My mind right now. Yeah.

So that's why I really appreciate you saying and broadening out that umbrella because for me, more pressure on myself does the exact opposite to my libido.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Absolutely.

And broadening it out to more pleasure. I will say this for myself, that when I am having more fun and I probably that's maybe a word that I use, you know, other than pleasure. It's fun. I'm a lot more creative, I'm nicer, my ideas are better, and to be perfectly honest, my health is better. This is one of the things that I've discovered. And again, I'm talking to all my Hooper, uber ambitious, type A humans out there. Stress has almost like taken me out a few times because the levels of chronic stress, I mean, we know from all the research it's like either the cause of or amplifies up to 90% of all diseases. But even more importantly, like I've thrown off my gastrointestinal. You know what I mean? I've thrown off a lot of things being. Being a stress mess.

Yeah, well, and also the thing about pleasure is, I mean, there's so many ways pleasure can be sort of triggering to people because they think it just. But it is joy. Where's joy? Where's the fun? Where's the pleasure? But also the spike in cortisol that you have when you're stressed cancels out pleasure. They can't live in the same moment. So even if it's pockets of fun, pockets of that, in those moments, you'll just know that this will just be my time of day, time of week where I'm not in stress. And that will build upon itself.

And it's a good practice because I think it is a practice. Like I'm thinking back over the decades of my life and my career and when I have prioritized fun, pleasure, good times, it becomes easier. You know what I mean? I have less and less pockets of me just being like a stress monster. Not just for a week or a month, but like six months at a time. You know, we surveyed our audience because we've never had a show about sex on MarieTV before the podcast. So this is the first time we're really diving into this. And we said, how's your sex life right now? Right. And here's the answers that we got back. So the majority, 38% you guys, said their sex life was non existent, 21% said boring AF, 21% said it was a hundred percent self service. And then only 20% said their sex was in fuego, on fire. So what do you say to the 60% that either have no sex life or who feel bored? Like, is it possible to get passion back in your life, especially if you're not 22 anymore and your hormones aren't raging and driving you there?

Absolutely. So that tracks. Your audience is online with most of the world. I mean, truly, I would say that most people who are beyond the NRE or the new relationship energy, AKA honeymoon phase of a relationship feel that their sex life has gotten a little bit stale. It's boring, and they don't know what to do to dig themselves out of it. And so I'm so glad I'm here to talk to you because, Marie, what you do is people might be in a slump in their business. They know to go to you. They're going to take the B school, they're going to, they, they, they go to a business coach. They figure it out.

Right.

You have a, you have something wrong with your teeth, you're going to go see your dentist, you have a problem in your sex life and it's slumped and you're like, well, I guess this is just my lot in life. It's just going to be miserable. I'm not really sure what to do, how to get that back. And it's because we have siloed sex as this, as this part of our lives that we can't really talk about. We don't really understand. And we all get naked clothes, eyes, get in the dark with our partner and hope for the best. And so without all this information of understanding that all the things that need to go into making sex hot and desirable and exciting are just sort of a mystery. So I wanted to, like, unpack that for people and first say, like, this is completely common. A lot of people get to this place. But let's understand what might require us, what. What we need to feel more connected again to our, to our sexuality. So the first thing, it's going to come down to communication. And something that I have repeated as much as you've probably talked about everything. Big figureoutable.

Yep.

Is communication is a lubrication. And I've been saying that for almost 20 years because the more that we communicate about sex and we talk about it and even saying to our partners, we're both in a slump right now. What could we do about it? Let's talk about. Our sex life is a game changer. That's actually where you start. But the thing about it, while we might be more Comfortable talking about literally everything else in our relationship. Maybe we're talking about, you know, definitely. We could talk about our business with our partner. We could talk about how we're going to raise our kids and, you know, how, you know, we want to live and how we're going to save money. But sex, again, is this thing that's just very uncomfortable to talk about. So it's this. It's this. It has no place in our relationship other than, God, I hope it's going to happen or I hope I get my drive back. So communicating to our partners about our sex life and just saying, hey, you know what, let's just call it. It's the elephant in the room. Our sex life has been a little bit lackluster lately, and I think we can both agree that it would be incredible to kind of get that passion back. Would you be open to going on a journey with me and talking about our sex life? Like, just. And. And the reason why this is so fraught. And honestly, a lot of what I do is talk a lot of my book smart sex is scripts. I'm giving people permission to talk about sex and also how to talk about it. Because the problem is when we go to our whole lives of not talking about sex, and I'm not even talking about in our relationships, I'm talking about. We don't talk about to our parents. A lot of us don't talk about it to our friends. And if we grew up in an environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex or we were shamed for sex, it's sort of. We don't even have the skill set to talk about it. So just saying, would you be open to exploring it? And a great place for couples to start is what are some of the most memorable times we've had sex? Like, let's just write down the three most memorable times we've had sex together. Yeah, let's compare lists. Let's look at that. Because also, something amazing happens in our brain when we go down memory lane and we look at old photos and we talk about things. We get that spike in those feel good hormones that make us feel more connected to our partner. So even just reliving that, so that's fun, too. But then to be like, that was hot. What made that sex particularly hot? Like, there's a lot of information in that, and then you can start to relive it.

Where were we?

What was going on? And I have a lot more to say about that, but those are some good places to start. But I would say that. And we can unpack this for the entire show about how couples can spice it up, but when we first name it and we acknowledge that it's just not as great as it was, well, then we can start having fun.

I love that. And I love the fact that in your book, you do provide so many scripts, because anything in life, again, going back to everything, is figureoutable. If you don't know how to do it, you can learn how to do it. It's a skill set, right? And so the skill set of not only enjoy your sensual and sexual life, that is a skill set, but we've got to break it down and go back to talking about it. And it can feel so awkward. And I think no matter who you are and no matter how confident you are in other areas of your life, especially, you know, whether it's a significant other, it's your husband or wife, it's a partner, to be able to talk about it in a way that doesn't put the other person on the defense, I think that that's huge. You know, Josh and I have had conversations over the years, and I remember there was a point again, like, super stressed out, Marie. Right? Like, just running on empty, pushing so hard. And my own lens, when he brought it up, I was like, I cannot do one more thing.

Like, am I.

Am I. I can't. Like, I can't do it. I love you. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be with anyone else, but it's like, I can't make myself feel something when it's not there. Right.

Do you know I'm on empty? Yes. I don't feel.

That's what I felt like. I felt like it was like I was a. You know, the love was never in question. His attractiveness was never in question. Our commitment to each other was never in question. But I'm like, I can't be a charged battery if I'm on empty. And it was really, really difficult because my perception was that he was criticizing me, but he was just trying to open up a conversation. And, you know, so I'm glad you.

Brought that up, because I just want to warn people, which is why I give all the tips, is that people, typically, when you bring up sex to your partner, maybe for the first time or maybe every time they go into fight or flight, they literally feel attacked because we don't have, again, a lot of experience talking about it. And so that's why you have to be like, this is. You have to Start with, I want to talk about something that I think is going to be so great for both of us. I think the more we can have healthy conversations about our true desires, our turn ons, what's really hot, what's sexy for us. You know, I'm not blaming you, not shaming. You have to like, sometimes keep doing that over and over again because that's a great example. Of course you felt threatened. You're like, I. This is something that I do not know how to do. And so we have to like, say, we're in this together. It is not the responsibility of one person to fix it in the relationship. Like, it is a collaboration. You're in it together.

Yeah. And I want to interrupt and say something. My nature is that I always take everything on my shoulders. So to be clear, he wasn't saying that. You know what I mean? This is on you to fix. I did that and I made it even harder on myself, which was horrible. And I love about what you shared about going through like the favorite time times as you were saying that. I can literally think of the I. I have like a whole entire checklist that goes through my mind and I'm like, oh, my God, I can't wait to go talk to Josh about this because this is. It's really cool because they were so unbelievably.

Memorable. And also simple. Yeah, like, simple things that happened. And I think the other thing generally in relationships, because I've spent. Oh my gosh, I've spent just y' all so much on couples therapy workshops just because I'm invested in trying to become the best human that I could possibly be to my soulmate. You know what I mean? And do everything that I can to live as fully as I can and to like, check out my own bullshit.

Exactly.

Try and heal it. And I wanted to say this. It's like one of the best things I've ever learned is, is I can't be a mind reader. And I can't expect him to be a mind reader about anything. About my stupid little quirks about. You got to close this. Like, I need, you know, this folded a Sir. I have this freaking napkins. I'm like, dude, you gotta fold them right? Because my oc, like, you know, it'll be crazy, but I just wanted to commend you and tell everyone, like, this is why it's so important, because you can help your partner understand what is really meaningful to you. It's like a version of a sex love language. Yeah, right. The five. Five love languages. Once you know that, I'm like, oh, he needs words of affirmation. That's his thing. I'm acts of service. You know, it just takes it to a new level.

Exactly. That's it. Be love. Language is such a great starting point for people to the five things. But with sex too, it's like. And going back that. So I'm glad that resonated. So now you know those hot moments. But there's so much information there because then you get to drill down like what was it like? Maybe we can't recreate it but like, oh, we were on vacation or we had a lot of time.

Yeah.

We had had the whole day together doing something that made us feel good. Maybe we were doing an adventure together into something new. We went to a new party or a museum or we didn't know anyone. We had never seen this art before. And so our brains were stimulated. We were connected. So then you get to recreate similar scenarios that are going to be a precursor to the hot sex.

It's almost like free framing. Yeah, yeah. And you start to have guideposts.

Yeah, exactly. Because. And like you said, like it is set. And I want to remind people that sex is a skill set.

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Sex be like arousals a skill set. Connection is it all is so we don't born becoming great lovers.

So that's important to say. And I didn't. I wanted to like shut my mouth and not interrupt you. But here's where I tripped up in my own life so hard and beating myself up so long because my early experience of my own sensuality and sexuality was the opposite. It was so I sometimes I joke with my friends. I'm like, dude, I was like a ravenous animal, like just eaten up. It was like unstoppable. Right. But no one really taught me about that. I think it was just raging hormones that many of us experience as we're teenagers and young adults. So I Spent a really long time thinking that I was broken. I was like, wait a minute, why did this thing that I never had to pay attention to before, Right. That happened so automatically, and I didn't even think. It was just like something was driving me. And I was like, is that gone forever? Because I'm now my body shift. You do what? I mean, it's just life is shifted. Yeah. More responsibilities, more stress. So one of the number one questions, and I want to. I know we could talk about so many things, but why am I never in the mood? That was one of the other things that came up when we surveyed our audience. Like, can Emily. Can Dr. Emily help us? Like, why am I never in the mood? And. And what can we do about this in terms of it being a skill set?

Okay, so this. And this goes back to literally everything that you just said that your. Your. Your listeners had just said to you. Your audience is that, why aren't I in the mood? Why don't I want sex? Because we have to understand what's going to get us there. There are steps we need to take to get to our arousal and our desire.

And.

And what I want people to understand is it is not this magical thing that's gonna hit you over the head like it did at the beginning. Sorry, everybody. If you've already moved out of the honeymoon phase or out of your teens and 20s or early 20s, you don't have the hormones riding it. You don't have the newness and the excitement and the novelty of this new partner. I mean, think about it. I've never smelled him before. I've never seen this person, this position before. It's all hot, new novelty, exciting, spontaneous. Nope. That is gone now. So now we get to actually do the work to learn about what. What does feel good to me? What does arousal look to me like? What are my turn on? So I write about the five pillars in my book Smart Sex, because I realize that for sex, a lot of people come to me for a quick fix. They're like, what's the toy, Dr. Emily? What's the lube? What's the thing? I'm like, we have to look at all of these areas. It's a biopsychosocial methodology method for learning about sex. So it's like, there' so many factors. And again, I am not telling people this to over. To overwhelm them. I actually built this for myself and my listeners because why I'm not in the mood for sex might be a little bit different. Why you're not in the mood for sex. But all we know is that we're not in the mood for sex. And I, let me tell you, I'm there too. I'm in a long term relationships. I'm a long term relationship right now. And I'm not in the mood like I once was. I'm like struggling with it. And so I go through my five pillars. And it's not just one thing. So let me give you an example. The first pillar, it's for the sex IQ is embodiment. So am I embodied during sex? Am I, am I having sex and I'm feeling it? Or am I disassociating, staring at the ceiling, thinking about my to do list, wondering if like I left the oven on and like a million other things. If your brain has left the building, like, so has your body, you're not in your body. So that's just the first thing. And I want to run through them quickly and then explain how we can work with them. Because if you look at this method of it, it's more complex. It's because it's not just one thing. It's kind of like in every, like, let me give you another example. Before I get into it, let's say I say to you, you know, Marie, I really want to get healthy. You might say to me, you know what, Emily? You should, you know, probably look at what you're eating. You should start exercising, maybe get some.

Blood work done, get some more sleep.

Get some more sleep. There's so many things. Yeah, do the things. And I'm like, okay, I would do that. But if I said, no, you know what, I'm just going to go to the gym, that probably wouldn't be enough. The same thing goes for your sex life. There's a lot of factors that we have to look at so we can troubleshoot what we need. So, for example, embodiment. Now this is a practice. I'm not always embodied. But the, the secret to embodiment is knowing when you're not and then learning to bring yourself back. Right, right. And we can talk about how to do that. The second pillar is health. For, for your overall, for getting in the mood. And that's your mental health and your physical health. If I'm not moving my body, I'm not exercising, I'm not. I'm going to have a blood flow problem. If I have a blood flow problem, well, then I'm not going to feel arousal. My genitals are going to be dead in the water. That blood flow is not happening. We require blood flow to get erections, to be wet, to be aroused, turned on. So that's one. That's one part of it. The other thing is we have to look at medications. If I'm on birth control, if I'm on an ssri, an antidepressant, blood thinner. All of those things could dampen our arousal. So just. Just know that, like, know inner mental health. You know, have I been in therapy? Have I looked at traumas? Okay, these are all the things that are going to be factors. The third one is collaboration. How well do I communicate with my partner about sex? Are we in this together or am I just kind of hoping they're a mind reader? Which a lot of us do. You know? Like, how do they not know this? Like, can't they see? No, no one is. I've never met a mind reader yet. So how well am I collaborating and talking about my sex life? And the fourth pillar is self knowledge. Do I actually know myself as a sexual being? I've been having sex for however many years. And what are some things I know? I know that the temperature has to be a certain way. For example, if it's freezing. When I started dating my boyfriend, every time I went into a house, it was freezing and it was like, he just had this thing. I'm like, you have to understand, babe. My blood flow, I just shut down completely. And so now I'd go over there, it'd be hot. The fireplace is going to. I know that I need foreplay. I need some kissing, making out. I also need to have a great conversation beforehand. If we haven't talked in a while, I'm not gonna wanna just jump your bones. Yeah. So just knowing yourself, right? And I've got tools for people to know themselves better. And then the final one is, and this is a tough one, is self acceptance. And this is the confidence piece. How do I feel about my body right now? How do I feel about my experience sexually? If I am walking around all day in this body, not loving it, my thighs are rubbing together, I feel like I've gained weight. I don't feel good. But then I'd like. So maybe I'm bashing my body all day, then I expect that I'm gonna get into the bedroom and I'm gonna.

Feel good naked and free and playful or open.

And because so much like the best sex happens when we can let go.

Yeah.

But if this is like a trap, I feel trapped. My body. So these are the pillars. We never get to a place of sex IQ where we are off the charts and done and check it off. It's a way for us to sort of monitor what's going on with us actually, so we can figure out like, where do I need to work on this week, today, this month to feel more embodied and more pleasurable?

I love that. Thank you so much. And you know, anything important in our life, it is nuanced, right? There's no easy fixes. And if this is an area of your life where you're like, damn, like I need to turn it up again. Yeah, your book is amazing for that. So speaking, we talked about the brain a little bit, but I love this. You said our brains are the largest section, sex organ. And desire is really a mental game. So you talked about two types of desire, spontaneous and responsive. Can we unpack that distinction?

So spontaneous desire and I don't like to really gender things as much. We've come such a long way to say that men do this and women do this. However, typically. Okay, so in the long. In. In a, in a relationship where it's new. Spontaneous desire is when we are in a new part of a relationship and I like, we can't wait that we rip each other's clothes off. We don't have to think about sex because it's so friggin hot. That's spontaneous. That I am spontaneously getting aroused and turned on. Like you are in your 20s. I didn't even know it was happening. Okay, that, that. And typically men have more of that. Again, it can wane in relationships, but they kind of might see their partner get an erection. That's their sign. I'm ready to go. Responsive desire means that I'm responding to things in my environment, in my relationship that are going to turn me on. It's going to take a little bit of work. So for example, I'm in a relationship, I'm on my phone, I'm answering emails, it's really busy. And my partner walks in and he looks at me, he's like, let's like, oh my God, you look so hot. And I'm like, I didn't even see you walk in the room. There is no part of me that feels sexual right now. I am in. That would be a. So I need some things to happen before I can get turned on. And this is where the pillars of the sex that could come into place. Well, what would I need? Okay. I look around my environment. The house is a disaster. There are dishes in the sink. I have not finished my work. It's, you know, cold. I haven't Showered. I didn't work out today. Like, it's not happening. Right. But if I know that. You know what, though? It is date night. So maybe like, or we have a date this week. I might say to my partner, tonight's not the night, but I think Saturday night could be a great time for us to go out, have sex. Then I have time to respond knowing that we and people think that scheduling sex is like the biggest buzz kill.

It's not. You have to like, I feel like we've. Josh and I have had different, like, rhythms where it's like either sexy time Saturdays or sexy time Sundays. But the planner in me. Yeah, it works.

It works.

Do you know why? Because it's like, I can clean up. There's not other shit happening.

Right.

The whole thing, I'm like, oh, give me. Give this woman a task. And it's like, oh, you know what I mean? Like, I have a mission is on. So it's kind of like you're learning. For me, it's like learning my own mechanisms. Does that make sense? It's like my own mechanisms for if I have a challenge or there's something that I need to figure out in that sense and it becomes either like a game or I can plan for it and it's something. It sounds so weird, but this is just me. It's like something I can crush. I'm like, oh, I got this. Like, I got this.

No, but this is you. But this could be all of us. For people who are stuck and going, it's over. It's abysmal.

Yeah.

I'm telling you that we have to reverse engineer it. Then they go, okay, if sex is happening later, I'm responsive. So what are all the things that need to happen for me to be really turned on for sex when it does happen? So now we've, like, for me, I need to again, we talked about the house, all the things, but I want to move my body that day. I want to make sure that maybe I've taken a bath, I've shown, shaved, maybe I'm wearing something that makes me feel sexy. We've planned a date going somewhere that's sort of stimulating. Maybe it's, you know, music or a concert or a show where I'm dancing, I'm in my body. Like that is going to make sure. Like that. That is that night. I'm going to feel the best I can out of all the knowledge I have myself. When I've been the most turned on. It's when I have a whole day. It's a Saturday. Maybe I wasn't working. And the sex is going to happen. And so. And this is like, I know we can't always build up, like, not every sex is going to be like I was able to do of these things. But if we at least have dialogue around it and we can say like, I am not as spontaneous anymore, I'm going to require a few steps to happen. And even just having this conversation with your partner, saying, I'm more responsive, it's so healthy. Because again, then you troubleshoot with your partner, he's not going to feel rejected. Like you don't want. Because what happens is when. So when we reject our partner. So in these moments, if my partner. I didn't have these conversations, I was like, we're not having sex tonight. No, I'm going back to work. Well, guess what? He walks away. He feels bad. He feels rejected. What have I done? She's not attracted to me. I'm feeling terribly guilty.

Yep.

I'm feeling like, oh my God, I wish I could. Where's my desire? It's dead inside right now.

So I've made jokes. I was like, is it on a spaceship? Did it get shot out of the universe? Because you. You know what I mean? I'm like, I don't get it. I don't get it.

Yeah, no, but I'm like, listen, this happens to so many of us. And that's why. And we haven't even started with like, we'll get to this. But like, we have to keep our own pilot light lit. So. I used to think that my partner was responsible for my orgasm. That he used to. He had to do everything to get me there. It was his job. And it kind of pisses me off too. Cause I was like, that was so nice to have to blame him. To be like, it's his. His idea. He's not doing all the things. But so for. Even for this date night, I need to do the things that are gonna make me feel aroused and turn on. And so I. If I wanna be in a sexual relationship. And I do. Because also once you get going with sex, you pretty much did it. You're like, oh, yeah.

You're like, this is the best thing ever.

Getting there is the hardest part. It's kind of like going to the gym.

It is like going to the gym. Most of the time we don't want to do it. And once you're in it, you're like, this is awesome. Like, I feel like so powerful and great. And you leave and you're like skipping around.

Yeah, exactly.

It's the same thing.

Same thing for sex. It's like. And even if, like, you know, okay, so to get you going to the gym, you're like. Like, I'm going to lay out my shoes. I'm going to sign up for a class.

Yep.

Because then they're going to bill me if I don't show up for the class. Like, I do all of these hacks and I get out the door. So what for your sex, if you decide and you schedule Saturday nights tonight, you know, or Tuesday night. Or Tuesday sexy time. Saturday. Thank you for sharing that, because that. That normal. Okay. I'm going to make sure that. That all the days leading up to there, I. I know that sex is important. And then what can we do to get in our body? I found that breath work, even if I get in the shower and I do some really deep breathing, because we have to connect to our bodies to awaken our sexual organs. Our pelvic floor.

Yes.

That's where it's all living in there. And if it's dead inside, we're disconnected. So there are some exercises there too.

Yeah. And I also think this is one thing I've heard you say, and I want to peel into it, because I didn't realize this. I feel like I spent all of my 30s not knowing this. And it wasn't really a thing, but it could have helped was lube that everybody. I was just. Dude, can we just talk about lube for a second?

I get some.

Oh, are you shitting me?

No, no. I bought you an old gift package.

Talk about the power of lube. And just for everyone, like, I feel like I had a misconception in my brain.

You do? Most people do.

Most people do. So my misconception was this. Okay, I'm gonna get to my 70s, and then I'm gonna. I'm gonna start, like, bringing in the Loop, right? Like, put it on Amazon, subscribe, whatever. Not true. Not true.

No. Okay, talk to us, my dreamery. Is a lube on every nightstand.

Okay, this was like, what was it? Was it Steve Jobs wanted, like, a Macintosh wanted an apple on everyone's desktop.

That's it.

Now it's like, lube on every night, lube every 10. Let's go for it.

Lube has gotten such a bad rap because, like you said, we feel shame around it because. Okay, the reason why lube helps is because our wetness level. Like, I could be really wet and not turned on. I can be turned on and not wet and so Lube is just a safety measure when you add a few drops of lube to any sexual situation. And there have been studies, many studies that have shown this, that women are 80% more likely to orgasm when you add just a few drops of lube because the clitoris is not self lubricating. Okay? We're not going to lubricate itself and it just, just feels good. And all those nerve endings, okay? So we just need to understand that, that if you just add loop to your masturbation routine, your solo sex, your partner, it's going to change it, it's going to change the game. And men love it too, okay? Because it's a guarantee. So the, the, the reason why there's shame around it though is because again, we don't talk about sex. So let's say you're with a guy and he says, you know, oh, she, she's not wet, so I must have done something wrong, right? That like clearly my penis didn't do the right thing. She's not turned on because we were told wet turned on. Then women feel bad. They're like, why aren't I wet?

What, what about my body's broken, My body's broken.

Something's wrong with me. So all this misinformation on literally zero information we get about our sexual health, hopefully that's changing now and changing a little bit. Not as much as I'd like it to, but we are told that we should always be wet. But, but our wetness cycles change throughout the month with our menstrual cycles. So certain times a month you're going to be wetter than others. You might take a medication that's preventing you from being as wet. So lube is just a safety measure. It's literally like, you know when it's cloudy outside and they, you should still wear sunblock.

Yes.

It's kind of like that. Like, like lube is your safety measure. You might be wet, you might not be wet. You might be a little bit wet at the beginning, not at the end. It just makes everything smooth. And it, it's also preventative from UTIS sti. You can get tears when we're too dry. So yeah, like a lube is a safety measure. I love playground. I brought you some. It's like a, it's a lubricant that I made that's safe for men and for women that has like all these feel gooding. I call it like a facial. Facial for your vagina.

Oh my God.

It has like, dude, it has like ashwagandha black cohosh. It tastes good, it has an essence, and it's like. Like, it's a beautiful bottle.

It's gonna be on my nightstand. I'm gonna text you with my phone.

Text me.

So this is big, because I think that this is really important. You talk about the pleasure thieves. Talked about them a little bit, but I want to really call them out because this is big for us. You know, I just went through six months of hell in my life with around, like, a family crisis, and I'm knocking on everything that we're kind of seeing the light of day, but I'm not taking off my roll bar or my seatbelt yet, because we don't know. So STs, stress, trauma and shame and how stress and pleasure just don't mix. So can you talk to us, like, for anyone right now who may be in the trenches, like, I've been for the past six months. And thankfully, again, Josh and I, our communication is so good, and he's been so supportive. But I just remember in, like, these times of extraordinary trauma, extraordinary stress, it's like, you can't beat yourself up.

Yeah, you can. Let's give people permission, too. That, like, this whole notion that we should always be ready turn on for sex, it's okay to take a pause. It really is. So, like, we. If your relationship is healthy, you're communicating like, it's okay. No one's gonna die without sex as long as you're communicating about it. The problem about it is when it lives in shame and it's shrouded in mystery. So I call these the pleasure thieves. And I actually start the book this way. And people are like, when are you going to get to the blowjob tips? And I'm like, dude, I will get there. But let me tell you what's happening. Stress, trauma, and shame. The three biggest killers of our sex drive. So we also. We talked about stress. We talked about anxiety. Like, listen, if you are living in a chronic state of anxiety and stress, there is literally no room for pleasure. It's just not going to be able to live in the same state, so in the same space. So giving yourself permission that, like, I'm in a. I'm in a state right now that feels, you know, pretty stressful, and that's why I'm not aroused now. There are things that we. We all know the things we can do for stress. We can breathe, we can meditate, we can journal. We can do all the things. But I just want you to normalize the fact that if you're super Worried about your job or money or your family? Family, yeah. It might not happen right now, but that's just going to be. One of the factors is stress, anxiety. The other one is trauma. So trauma, big T trauma, you know, you've had some kind of assault, sexual assault, any kind of trauma or little T trauma, it all lives in our bodies. It is living in our bodies for a lifetime. And so any kind of work we can do, trauma work. There's so many great trauma informed practices right now that are really, really accessible for people that can help us learn to get out to like literally every, every memory, everything we've ever had lives in our body. So we can do some kind of like EMDR therapy, which I've done before, is incredibly wonderful. Change.

Change my life.

Change my life too. And that's basically a, a reprocessing of your of traumatic memories so they no longer sit in your body in the same way. And you can actually approach situations much differently because you sort of. Yeah, literally the neuroplasticity in our brain allows us to reprocate, process it. Dancing, trauma work, shaking, there's a lot. But if that is just, just recognizing the fact that if you've had a trauma and it doesn't have to be just sexual trauma, but that is a huge one that could be allowing you to. What, what that, what that might look like is you disassociate during sex. When you get in the bedroom, you don't actually feel anything. You feel numb, you leave your body. So that might be a sign that there's some trauma to work on. And I'm just gonna side note here, we all would benefit from therapy. It's like literally getting a second opinion on your life. Okay.

Yes. And having just a place to flush it through. Like these last six months, I remember a couple friends calling to check in on me. And I'm. I'm just so used to shouldering everything. It's just my, you know, it's like a habit. It's my way. And a couple of friends are like, I think it would be really important for you to talk to someone. I was like, you're absolutely right. Like, oh my God. Like, how did I not think of that? And it was so incredible, incredibly helpful. So, you know, all of us and.

Just like, we teach what we need to learn too. Right? Like, I have my friends coming. Like, have you breathed today? Like, oh, yeah. Have you seen your therapy? Same thing.

Yeah.

I mean, we know it, but we're, you know, we're teaching it.

So it's also, it's just why it's so wonderful to have conversation and to have friends where you can be real with and you can tell the real, real thing. And you don't have to pretend or have a facade up that everything's all hunky dory. Because for most of us, it's like, there's beautiful parts of our life that are going really well and there's other parts of our life that are a total show and both can coexist. Do you know what I mean? At the same time, it's like, it's funny, you know, this is a little tangent off of sex. But, you know, sometimes in these past six months, people would text me or call me that I don't. I haven't talked to in a bit. They're like, ray, how you doing? And I was like, you know, in one respect, I'm totally fine. I'm here. In another respect, I'm like, I'm miserable. Like, I'm a mess. I'm crying, you know, a gajillion times a day. I'm more stressed out than I've ever been in my life. But it's like my family and what do you do?

I know.

Hang in there.

Yeah, you do. And you get through it. And the fact that you could be real and the friends that, you know, support, you got to tell them.

Right?

And the more we normalize that, like, don't be like, I'm great. How are you?

But like, yeah, yeah. It's like two things happening at once. And that's. And that's totally. It's okay. So let's talk about one of your fun rituals.

Okay.

Called sex magic. Tell us what that is.

Okay.

Where we can. How we can play with it.

Yeah. Okay, so what we haven't talked about yet, which. Which is we have not yet talked about solo sex.

Yes.

Listen, if we want to get more connected, and I would actually say I talked about the communication with a partner and how to get your sex drive back. But the most important sexual relationship we have is with ourselves. We are responsible for our own pleasure, our own orgasm and understanding our body. And so the practice of masturbation. I am in the process of rebranding everything. Sex. Because masturbation doesn't sound as. You know, people don't love the term masturbation, but that's what I'm talking about here. Getting to know your body, what feels good. That is the magic. I mean, I. And I'm going to get to sex magic. And that is the magic. But the Magic too, is that like, I never masturbated for a long time, like in my teens and twenties. It just never occurred to me.

It never occurred to you?

No, didn't even. And I didn't even grow up in a shameful environment. I was just like, I think I had, I had a stressful environment growing up and maybe some. I could have thought that that would be soothing. I just didn't think to do it. And so I would blame my partners. This is my even. I didn't masturbate till my 20s. Like, I didn't even really know it was on the menu. So once I started to learn masturbation, I blame my partners for not like giving me an orgasm. And then I realized if I don't know how my own machinery works, works, how is anyone else going to figure out? Because we're all different. So the practice of just keeping your pilot light lit, understanding your body, giving yourself pleasure, that is where the magic is. And that's where pleasure begets pleasure as well. If you're feeling like my sex life is dead in the water, I have no desire. I don't even know if it, like if it left on a boat. Starting the practice of just touching yourself, get bringing yourself to pleasure and orgasm and then repeatedly doing that, it is another practice that is going to help you feel more connected. And again, sex begets sex too, in that same way that the more orgasms you have, the more you're going to want sex. And it's helpful. So sex magic is a practice of, you know, this, our, our sexual energy is related to everything. It's our creative energy, it's our connective energy. It's our source. This is like our source here. And I'm pointing here to like my pelvic, pelvic floor to the pelvic region. Like, this is where it happens. So the practice of sex magic is when you are pleasuring yourself and you're. And you are, and you have a. Something that you're looking to manifest right now in your life. Maybe you want. You're looking. You're very clear, right? We know manifesting has to be clear and specific. You have a goal. You've been working on a manifestation project. There is some incredible magic and synergy to when you're pleasing yourself at the point of orgasm, when you are going over and you're releasing to be building in that intention to merge your pleasure with your intention. Because that magic, like it is the most powerful source. This sex source is life force. And when you do that together in Unison. It's like, watch your dreams come true a lot quicker than before because you are so connected with source, you know.

And it can't hurt anything, can it? You ain't gonna hurt. You're not gonna break anything. If we're doing this. If you're like thinking about your dreams and you're making yourself feel real good. And I'll. I'll say this for myself, and the times when it's like my libido, I'm like, it's on another planet. Like, it literally got in a lockbox and, you know, got shipped off to Mars or who knows where. Those times, you know, I feel myself being a lot more brittle, not as much fun, probably more frustrated and angry. And the points and the periods and the seasons of my life where I am more in touch sensually and sexually, and I am having more pleasure and more fun. It's like I'm just a whole lot more fun to be with. You know what I mean? Like, I enjoy me more, I make me laugh more. I'm coming out with some good ass jokes. You know, I'm just doing things. Life just is a lot more 3D and more magical and more colorful. So one of the things that you mentioned in your book, and I just want to give a shout out here because I've had them on the show and I honestly believe it is necessary for any human who wants to be in a relationship. Imago therapy.

So good, right?

So Harville and Helen. Love them. They literally have saved our relationship kind of multiple times. What's been your experience with that?

I love imago therapy. I mean, most of us, it's. It's basically the practice of learning to listen.

Yes.

I used to think that I was a great listener. No, it turns out I'm a great talker. I'm a great communicator. Like, oh, aren't we communicating? No, I'm just talking. So the practice of actually deeply, a deep listening practice. I mean, this is such a game changer in relationships to be able to. So my experience of it and how I talk about it is. And we could even do an exercise here if you want to show people what it is. But it's. It's like the practice of allowing your partner to state something. So let's say your partner says, I really feel like our sex life. You know, we haven't been having enough sex lately. And I'm feeling really. Yeah.

Emily, let me see if I got that.

Okay.

You wanted to let me know that we haven't been having Enough sex lately, and you're not feeling so great about that. Did I get that?

Yes. But one more thing I want to say is it's not that this rebate. The correction. I am. Yeah, we're not having enough sex lately, and I don't feel. Yeah, I don't feel great about it. But I also want to say that I know that, you know, I feel like it's really impacting our relationship. I feel like you're not feeling great about it either. You're not really saying anything about it.

Emily, let me see if I got that. So you really wanted to let me know that you've been thinking about it and that we're not having a lot of sex lately and it's not just impacting you, but you feel like I probably don't feel so great about it too, and it's really. It's having an impact on our relationship. Did I get that?

Yeah. Is there more about that? Well, I think that if we. The more that we, you know. Well, I'm glad that we're talking about it. And I'm feeling like it's really been impacting other areas of our life as well. And I think that's why maybe I've had more of a temper and I've been like. Like, you know, not really connecting with you and feeling accessible in our relationship. So I feel like it's something that we could really, you know, start to work on and maybe be good to see a therapist together. That's really what I think we should do.

Let me see if I got that. So because we haven't been connecting sexually, you feel like that's also impacting other parts of our relationship as well, and that perhaps that could be the source of you feeling like your temper has been a little shaky or angry and that maybe it would be a great idea if we handled this together and thought about going to some therapy. Did I get that?

Yeah, I think you got that.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for listening.

So that was just like a brief in the moment demo. We didn't do it perfectly, but part of the imago is like asking, is there more?

Is there more?

And then having the practice of doing your best. And I didn't get it perfectly right, but I was doing my best to really listen to Emily and mirror back what she said, using her words, and doing my very best to get the essence of what you are communicating so that you feel heard and seen and understood. And it's like, it is hard. It is so hard to do, but it's so transformative.

Transformative. I mean I do, I do this with my partner as well. We, we practice it a lot because we, just, because our, our default for many of us is just, I'm going to keep talking, I want you to hear me. And then a lot of the way we talk to our partners puts them on the defensive. We say things like, you never do this and how come and why doesn't this happen Always you always, you always. We speak of these like, you know.

Extremes.

Yeah. And the extremes, even if, you know our partners, they can't hear us, they literally shut down. So this process of taking a deep breath, breath, listening back and repeating it and then we get to switch. So then in this case, if we were actually doing this then I, I, you know, you start to talk and I'd repeat back to you. And it's just a way of like slowing everything down, being intentional. I mean everything that I'm talking about here we're talking about is being intentional about intimacy.

It goes so well there. It's such a complimentary skill set, you know, especially when there's any type of heated discussion and there's can be besides money, then sex is another heated discussion that you can have with your partner. And if you don't create the container and have the skill set for the conversation, it can just go off the rails really, really fast. And you're like, well I'm never going to do that again. So you just shut your mouth and you watch the relationship degrade. Where if you have these skills, the scripts that you talk about in your brilliant book Smart Sex along with a practice like Imago therapy, it's called dialogue. It's really, really powerful. All of a sudden you set yourself up for a chance of not only having a beautiful relationship, but a beautiful, rich, full, rewarding, sensual relationship that can continue to evolve in the different stages and seasons. You know, especially in a long term one.

Absolutely. I mean I think this is, and the thing is it's pretty, it's quite simple.

Yeah.

I mean that's what I love about Imago is it is quite simple and you can use it for any, any situation. Like you could even use it with, you know, your in business and business being a listener. Like. Yeah, I mean this is just. And I have to always remember this and teach this. It's like when people, we all want to be heard and we all want to be seen and we can give that to people. We want it, your partner wants it. And so it's just an incredible practice. And now I found that my partner and I, we regularly do this now. Like, he'll catch it. Like, so what I'm hearing you're saying. And I laugh because I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. I guess we weren't doing that. It just. You got to keep practicing. But it's, as you said in your relationship, too, it's a. It's a game changer. I mean, you know, what we're talking about today is like, these are so many things that we just. We walk around feeling broken. Something is wrong with us, but we never learn the skills. So I want everyone to go easy on themselves, that today could be the first day of the rest of your sex life, the rest of your enhancing your relationship. Like, it doesn't have to be over yet. And I want people to have compassion for themselves, knowing that you just weren't taught the skills. Totally, really weren't. Like, none of us. Everything you've told about sex, sex that you should always be ready to go. And my heart goes out to men. You're like, I should be hard, hot, ready to go, know what to do. And then women should be wet, ready, know my turn ons. Like, we. It just couldn't be further from the truth. Like, there's so much personal work to do around it, and there's just a lot of misinformation. And then there's porn everywhere, which, you know, the proliferation of porn, people think that that is sex. So then we have to, like, like, the proliferation of porn without sex education is a disaster. So, you know, that's what we're saying. Like, everyone, it's okay if you don't know, but you can start today.

I love that. Is there anything that. If there's one piece of advice that you would want folks to put into action if this has kind of piqued their interest or given them that shred of hope, what would you want to tell them that their next step could be?

I would encourage everybody to practice. If you're in a relationship, have a conversation with your partner about your sex life tonight. I mean, do it tonight. Like, what do you, you know, just say, I was listening to, you know, Marie and Emily. I always tell people to blame me because this is, you know, I know it's been hard and no one else has maybe encouraged you this. But say I realized we've never talked about our sex life. And I would just love to know, like, do the three things that were the most memorable. Start there. That would be one thing. If you are somebody who hasn't spent a Lot of time pleasuring yourself. I highly encourage you to take a bath. Take some time, buy a vibrator, get a bottle of lube. I've got this great. My website, sex with emily.com. i just launched this, this store, this marketplace because Marie, in my job, like 20 years, I get like 20 pounds of sex toys delivered to my office a week. Okay. Like, literally. And I. I used to be the one trying them all out. Now I have a great team, but they're. Everything is sourced and tried out and tested. Tested. And I know the best products and sources and things, so we can go there and buy yourself something special. I bought you an adorable one that I love. Toy. So find something that's, like, new for your sex life. Pleasure yourself. Take a look. And also, like, I don't often have to remind men to go masturbate, but for women I do. So get to know your body again. Reignite that relationship with yourself.

Thank you so much. This was so fun. I can't wait to go play with my toys and my lube. And for anyone out there, if you don't have this already, get your hands on Smart sex. It is a phenomenal book. And give yourself every opportunity to gain the skill sets you need to live the richest, fullest, most rewarding experience of life that you have. Love you. Thank you for being here.

Thanks for having me.

Come find me on Instagram. I'm arieforleo and let me know. I love it when. Follow folks share screenshots of these episodes with their biggest takeaways. And I gotta tell you, if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you're subscribed. And if you wanna make my day in a huge way, leave us a positive review. They make a big difference as we plan future episodes. And of course, they help more people find us. Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams, because the world needs that very special gift that only you have. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you next time on the Marie Forleo podcast.