5 Sex Myths That Are Ruining Your Love Life

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Do you really need a high body count to be good in bed? Is sex supposed to be spontaneous every.

Time, or is that just movie magic? And why are we still whispering about masturbation like it's taboo?

Well, in today's throwback episode of Sex with Emily, we're tackling some of the.

Biggest sex myths still floating around and tearing them down one by one.

Because the truth is, a lot of these outdated ideas are getting in the.

Way of random real connection, real pleasure and real confidence. So it's time to clear the confusion.

And set the record straight.

So here's a few of the myths we're busting today. Your number defines your skills in bed. So how many people you slept with.

Will define how great you are in bed.

Great sex should be effortless and just happen like that. If someone masturbates, it means that there's.

Something wrong in your relationship. Men always want more sex than women.

Orgasms are the goal of sex.

Spoiler. But not the only one. So whether you believe these for years or just want to learn how to spot the bs. This episode is a reality check and.

A permission slip to rewrite your beliefs around sex.

Because better sex doesn't start with someone else. It starts with better information. Let's get into it.

Here's the mess.

Ready?

The number of people you've slept with determines how good a lover you are.

If you're thinking, oh yeah, that's definitely true. If I've slept with 10 people and my partner slept with one, that makes me a ten times better lover. Or a lot of us assume that the more we do it, the more you go to the gym, the more reps you do, you're stronger, you're a stronger athlete, right? The more countries you visit, then you're a seasoned traveler. And the more you slept with, then you're much better at sex. I'm gonna say this is a myth. You don't have to have slept with a lot of people to be good at sex. In fact, there is no good at sex. There's no. You don't arrive to a place where you're good at sex.

So we call this the body count. The body count, it's kind of grim. And if you think about it anyway, just having it branded as the body count, it's like the number of people you've killed, but really it's the number of people you slept with. Your body count, reality is, does not determine the quality of your love making, of how good of a lover you are. Every time we have sex with someone new, it's a new experience. You might have sex with someone I've slept with and you two would have your totally different sexual experience because the two of you, it's not me. And this person doesn't transfer. Sex is like cooking, right? You're together and it's the ingredients of both of you that make the sex you're having with each other. So if you're focused on your partner in the moment, meaning that you pay attention, you know, so much of what we say during sex has nothing to do with verbal. It's our body language. Are they moving towards you or are they moving away? Is their breath quickening? Their breath is quickening, then we know that they're aroused.

And so for me, it's more about the quality sex you've had than quantity.

Maybe you've been with one person but for a long time. And in that long term relationship, you got to understand each other's bodies. You learned how to communicate, you learn to ask for what you want. That's what makes a really great lover. It's relationships that you've. You've actually been able to communicate about your needs. You've had to adjust and adapt and learn to satisfy someone who might have liked something that was outside of your comfort zone.

Because those skills are adaptable, like being a good listener. Being someone who, who's a active listener. Being someone who can change their behavior over time. Being someone who knows how to satisfy a partner in more ways than one. Not just the bedroom. So remember, every time you're with a new partner, the reality is it's an opportunity to learn and to be a good lover. So how about that? Your numbers don't mean anything. And let me say this about the number, the body count obsession. Eventually you will get to a point where people stop asking you this.

I hope.

But I get why you answer. I mean, I understand. You're like, how could I not answer the number of people I've slept with? But every time your partner is asking this, remember, they're asking to gather information. They want to gather data about who you are. They're going to use it to define you and to judge you. When I'm telling you it doesn't mean anything. So if you start with too few, that means you're not going to be a good lover. You're less experienced. Too many, well, then you've been out there too much. You're, you know, you're a player, you're a slut lot. And there's all these judgments that are made. I'm telling you, it does not mean anything. It just means that you simply had sex or you didn't have sex. So what you could say is, oh, you know what? Right now I am just focused on sex we're having. I love to live in the present. Let's talk about the sex we're having because it's incredible.

Not someone's talking about the past. Let's live in the future. I mean, think about ways you can answer that. You can also say, I'm really someone who's, who's into the present. Like I would. Because what I. Well, let me back up. If someone says to me, how, how many of you slept? How many people have you slept with? I want to say, like I'm thinking to myself, couldn't you be asking me something way more interesting right now? Like, how about, what kind of sex do I like? Or how about what's my idea of an incredible kiss? Or what makes great foreplay? What's my number one fantasy? What do I like to do on a long Saturday? You know what what do I like to do on a long weekend? Like, those are really good questions. But the body count question just leads us nowhere fast. Here's a related myth under the body count umbrella is having a lot of sex can cause vulva owners to stretch. Like, if I've slept with so many people, if I've been penetrated that many times, my vagina is going to get looser and looser. Not true. So the reality is there's a few times in your life, the childbirth after you have a child. Yes. Your muscles will become weaker and you build them up over time doing Kegel exercises. And that's really when that would happen. If you pass a human out of your vagina, it's going to change, but it's not like a permanent stretch. It doesn't mean it's not going to go back. And that's why we talk a lot about strengthening your pelvic floor and doing Kegels. And there's other things you can do, but basically your number count. If you're keeping your numbers down because you don't want your vagina to scratch, you're missing out on a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure. Okay. This is from Francesca, 27, in New York City. My name is Francesca, I'm a 27 year old hetero woman, and I started having sex at age 26. First and foremost, I'm enjoying it. However, oftentimes I feel this. I have this feeling of not knowing what the common knowledge about sex is. I know I started having sex lately than a lot of my peers, and I try to validate myself and my reasons for doing that. And at the same time, I just don't know what I don't know. I don't have an understanding of what are the similarities most men find pleasurable versus what's unique to each guy. In other words, how much of what you learn from one partner is transferable to another. So I worry so much about, you know, being boring or vanilla or painful if I apply too much pressure. The three partners I've been with have been very kind and reminded me that I should be more focused on myself and what I like than trying to predict what they want. But even so, I have these insecurities and feel that being more informed would help me be more confident. How can I know if I'm a good lover universally? All right, this is such a good question, Francesca. So here's the thing. First off, sounds like you're with some really, like, attentive lovers, some really knowledgeable lovers who are saying I want you to focus on your pleasure. I want you to focus on what feels good to you, because that's what's going to make you a great lover to all. And I would say that for all genders. And I would say that a lot of vulva owners get caught up wanting to be a good lover. And they're so in the moment that every time they have sex, they're thinking about what they can do to their partner. How do I give a better blow job? How do I handle their balls better? How do I do something different? So this partner will think I am the greatest lover. That's another myth that kind of falls under this myth.

This is a myth.

Under the myth of body counts are going to teach you how to be a great lover. But, Francesca, what makes you a great lover is when you know your body, how do you move during sex that makes you feel good? Pay attention to that. Do I like the slow kisses? Do I like when he kisses me a little more intensely? Do I like soft to touch to my. Do I like when he softly touches my vulva, my clitoris? Do I like when he goes faster? What kind of touch feels good?

Does the pace of sex work for me? Sometimes it goes really fast and sometimes it goes slow. And I actually like when there's slow anticipation. I like that the partners who take time to undress me. Oh, I like the partners who compliment me and tell me how sexy I look. You know, these are the things you got to focus on, because then that's going to help you feel more confident in your. And a confident woman in bed, a confident vulva owner in bed.

Who knows how to move and knows how to ask what she wants and how to breathe and how to calibrate. That makes you a really great lover. Because then you're not going to have to worry.

Your partner is going to be so plugged into your authentic pleasure that you're going to know what to do with their penis. Now, you probably have learned the basics. Let me back up. You won't know what to do with every penis, but there's an intuitive knowing when you are in your body and you are living your most authentic sexual self that I'm sure you've had sex with three people, so it's not going to be like a surprise, like the penis won't be coming out of the ear. You know, the penis is between the legs. And. And what I found is that most penis is like what most vulvas like. They like it to be wet. So you always should have Some lube on the nightstand. Lube is so helpful. And they want to script a soft grip or heart and they want like a grip, not soft grip, but like a grip but not too tight, not too hard, you know, no teeth, doesn't feel great to everybody. And they want like steady pressure and arousal and touch. And so what I'm saying is.

How you're learning is by experience, which is great. And listening to this podcast, this podcast has fallen to many of the great lovers because they know how to communicate, they know how to masturbate and they know, they know that there's a lot they don't know. I'm still learning all the time too. There's, you know, what is to transfer. What's trans role is the process of discovery, the process of learning what your partner likes. And once you become a skill like more mindful and in touch and you can learn in just a few minutes or one session with a partner what they actually like. So.

And it all goes back to paying attention and being mindful. But I would say the less you worry about what to do and if you're boring or vanilla, the more you plan your, the more you focus on your own self, the better. And yeah, it does sound like your partners will, they'll probably tell you too if it's painful or doesn't feel good, you know, they'll let you know in the moment. So just because you've slept with three people, Francesca, doesn't mean that you are ill equipped for sex. You have the tools you need with three lovers under your belt, with some really kind lovers who told you to focus on yourself. It sounds like they've been healthy experiences. And so I think that it's great that you waited. You don't have to worry about, you don't have to justify to that anyone or explain it to anyone. But now you have three lovers. And then you can see now that the this is clear to you that the number of people you slept with is not going to really teach you that much more. So you pretty much learned what you need to know and now you get to focus, focus on yourself and healthy communication with your partner. And it's okay to ask for does this feel good? Does this not feel good? I mean I love talking about sex, you know, in the moment you can make an agreement that if something hurts or you want something specific from your partner, they can tell you and then also talk about sex after go to dinner after talk about it, what was great, what worked, what didn't work. So that's you Know healthy communication and listening to sex positive podcasts like this one, reading sex positive books. We have some great books. You know, at our website, we have a great blog with some books that might help you. But you're doing all the right things, Francesca, and I'm, I'm all for it. All right, the second myth. You don't need lube if you're already roused or turned on. All right? Oh, this is also related to the myth of you shouldn't eat lube if you're aroused. Spit is just as good as lube. You only need lube during penetration. Lube is just for older people who have dryness problems. All right, here's the reality. The reality is lube can make it easier to orgasm. Lube makes sex better. Lube makes sex better no matter what your body part. There's a study from Indiana University center for Sexual Health found that lube makes it 50% easier for both genders to orgasm. And I've even read a study that say if you use lube, 80% of vulva owners are more likely to orgasm. This is why my dream, my dream is a lube on every night stand. Get a lube on your nightstand. Remember, wetness is not an indicator of arousal. You can be dry and really turned on, and you can be super turned on and not wet at all. And it's confusing. And sometimes you're wet, sometimes you're wet and doesn't last that long. Like you're wet for a minute and then sex starts happening. Intercourse, any kind of sex, touching. You're not wet anymore. And so your wetness can be affected by so many things. You might be wet certain times a month. Your menstrual cycle affects your. You know, how wet you are. You know the certain medications, like the birth control pill, ironically, you know, antidepressants. Your age can impact it, but there's no way that it means that you know how stressed you are.

Your health status, how would you. How healthy you are. So I just want to say that lube is just a game changer for sex. I will not do any kind of sex without it. You probably talk about this, but I think that there's still this notion that lube is. Is this dirty little secret you got to keep under the be and we better drag out the lube. You know, there's a problem, and I think a lot of penis owners feel offended if their partners aren't turned on or aren't wet. And they assume something's wrong with me or my penis or something's wrong with my partner. Listen, if you're, if you're human, you probably do one of two things in situations like this. You either blame others or you blame yourself. Which camp are you in for all your problems, actually, but especially this one with lube, you probably, you know, you probably might assume something's wrong with you. So lube is great. Exercise. Lube is great, especially during oral sex. That's why I love flavored lube. Have a flavored lube on your nightstand as well. Get a big nightstand, people. You're gonna need a lot of different lubes, but really just one lube is fine for everything. However, I do love flavored lube. Like System Joe makes incredible lube that I just eat for dessert. This is from Josh, 38, New Jersey.

Hey, Dr. Emily.

My wife and I have been together for four years and got married quickly. We have a one year old and sex is great when we have it, but the issue is that my wife is very dry and it hurts her. We tried, Lou, but can't find a good one that helps. I end up feeling bad and try to make it end quickly because I don't want to cause her pain. I don't know when it started for her, but ever since we've been together, she's been dry during sex. We talk about it. Not sure what to do. All right, well, this is Josh. I'm so glad you sent in this email. This is perfect because I'm gonna help you here first. Well, maybe I've already helped you. Do you understand that.

It'D be great for your wife to go to a doctor and to look at, like, what medications she's taking? Do any of those medications cause dryness? She take allergy medication.

Antidepressants, birth control? There's a lot of things that it could be. Now, lube is great.

To use all kinds of lube. Silicone lube lasts a little bit longer than water based lube. Forea makes an excellent coconut oil lube. It's coconut oil also lasts a while and has CBD in it that can help with pain. FOIA Sex Oil could be great for you here.

Especially if there's pain. She could also get her hormones checked because loss of estrogen can happen after childbirth. And this is when a lot of women have pain. She could be starting perimenopause.

But you're saying.

She'S been dry during sex ever since you've been together.

Was she ever. Did she remember a time in her, in her 20s when she was more wet?

What happens when she Masturbates. Does she masturbate? Does she get aroused? Does she have orgasms? Does she have the other kind of pleasure? So there's a lot to explore here. So let's get into like talking about your sex life with her.

What are her turn ons? When does she feel most aroused? How about when you go down in her, does that make her feel good? So sure, she genuinely might.

Not.

We don't know if she's having pleasure. What I'm saying is if it's dry and hurts or you stop and figure out how she's not dry. Because also remember when you're too dry and you sex that lube, you tear, there's tears. And then that could also cause std, you know, transfer, an sti, transferred infection.

So get her hormones checked, have her go to a doctor and let's find out what does feel good to her, what her turn ons are. All right, because that's just going to help with everything. Knowing that she actually wants to have sex and it can feel good to her. And remember, a lot of pleasure for a vulva owner doesn't necessarily have to do with penetration. So if it's hard, if it, if it's painful for you to penetrate her, you could also tease her nipples. Nipplegasms are a thing. Play with her inner thighs.

Go down in her, you know, just her clitoris without internal stimulation. So.

Have some fun figuring this out with her, Josh. Okay, Take your time, figure it out, ask some questions and let me know how it goes. Myth number 3. Sex isn't good if you don't have an orgasm, which is obviously the goal of sex.

The reality, orgasms are extremely pleasurable. They are love them. But they are not the only measure of a successful sex session. Some other related myths to this, all orgasms feel the same. Orgasms are always achieved through penetration. You know that an orgasm just signifies the end of successful sex. Listen, pleasure and orgasm are not the same thing. Orgasm can happen and orgasm is extremely pleasurable. But pleasure, pleasure is about the journey. Pleasure is the journey along the path. Pleasure is connection and touch and intimacy. You know, and sometimes when we focus so much on wanting to orgasm, we miss out on fully experiencing pleasure with our partners. We really do. And remember, the goal of sex is about connection and learning and figuring out your partner. And for some couples, I think they confuse penetration. They confuse sex with every time they use the word sex they think it's we're talking about penetration. And it is true that sex and orgasm are sort of synonymous, that we think if you had an orgasm, you had sex. If you had sex, you must have had an orgasm. But that's because, again, we define sex as PV sex. Penis goes into vagina and the focus is around the male's orgasm. Just remember that being focused on orgasm is not necessarily a problem. Like, I think it's just that what I've seen it more so than not is it becomes a problem. It becomes a problem when we only focus on orgasm and we define sex by orgasm. And I'm telling you, you can have. If you never have orgasms, that's a problem. If you're like, nope, I never ever have orgasms, well, then I'd want to know, like, how much have you tried to have an orgasm because you want it to be possible, right? But there's something amazing that happens when you're like, I'm just going to focus on pleasure right now. I'm going to focus on how it feels with my partner's hands and my body. I'm going to focus on how it feels to make out with my partner, how it feels to see him naked, how it feels, all these different things. And you'll find that when you turn your attention away from obsessing on orgasm, obsessing about orgasm, you are more likely to have an orgasm and, and you're more likely to focus on sensations and to be. To, to understand what actually feels good, and you're, you're more likely to be present. A lot of us disassociate during sex. We're focused on something that happened in the past, something that's not happening in the moment. We're focusing on what our partners want, and the last thing we're focusing on is our own body and our own pleasure. So there you go. Take orgasm off the table or the focus of orgasm and focus on the pleasure. Okay, here's an email question from Taylor, 33 in California. Dr. Emily I'm not sure if I've ever had an orgasm and it seems impossible to do. So. I've listened to your show for a while and tried a lot of things. You discuss my partner's patient and has also tried to work with me. We've spent hours on this. I get close, but then I seem to lose it. Or maybe I do reach climax. It just doesn't feel fulfilling. I require a lot of stimulation and a lot of pressure, but then it's almost like everything just goes numb and my body turns off. I'm not sure what to do next or where to go. I feel like I'm just Incapable of orgasm. Okay, Taylor.

If you probably aren't sure that you haven't had an orgasm, maybe you haven't.

And your partner is trying to work with you.

Have you tried to work with it? Have you tried on your own to work on having an orgasm?

And you're saying that you require a lot of stimulation and pressure.

A lot of us require a lot of stimulation and pressure. And when you say that your body's going numb, it goes numb and your body turns off. Is that because you're just focusing on your pressure, focusing on the stimulation in the moment?

I would say you're not incapable of orgasm. I would say you're pre orgasmic, which means you haven't gotten there yet. And it sounds like, I love that you're working on it with your partner, but sometimes we need to figure it out on our own without a partner. So I encourage you to take some time alone, masturbate, take a bath, take a shower, figure out your own body and what feels good.

Spend 10 minutes a day or three times a week for an hour exploring the mirror between your legs and using some lube and saying, what feels good to me? Maybe it's a lot of stimulation and pressure.

Maybe it's not. Maybe it's slow touch. Only you are going to be able to figure that out. So what I'm hearing is your partner's patient, but are you patient? Are you patient with yourself? Are you patient? That takes time. You know, some women have orgasms a lot easier. It has to do with their, literally the way they were born, their anatomy, how close their clitoris is to their vaginal opening. It's literally how you're born. Like you've long legs, you have shorter legs, you have, your clitoris is closer to your vaginal opening. It's all the same. So that's why those people have it.

But for you, you know, for people who don't, we get more in our heads and is it going to happen? Is it not going to happen? And so I need you to focus, go mindful, focus more on your own body and your own orgasm and practice on your own. Or tell your partner you need more time to slow because I don't like that you are going numb. That leaves me that your body's turning off sounds disassociating that you're just focusing so hard on one thing. But there's a process of letting go. When we're mindful, we're just letting go to what? Feel what we're feeling in the moment. We're paying attention to our senses. What does it feel like with my partner's finger on my clitoris? I'm hearing my breath, you know, I'm smelling this candle, and it smells really good. And I'm, you know, I. I. Focus yourself in the moment. With a mindful practice, you'll get there. I promise you. You're not incapable of orgasm. You got this, Taylor number four. The myth is you can become addicted to using a vibrator. Other people say a related myth is it can cause your body to become desensitized to stimulation. You'll no longer move to orgasm without using one. And no, the reality is vibrators can bring you a whole lot of pleasure. There's something called an orgasm gap. And a lot of vulva owners are unable to orgasm in general, especially with their penis. Having partners who orgasm a lot quicker than they do. And toys help you explore your body. They can help you have orgasms. They can help you explore your body and find other pleasure parts that feel good. There are so many erogenous zones in our body that, you know, our hands just won't. Won't get to. Right. They won't be able to reach those areas. Now to address this addiction part, sure, if you keep orgasming the same way with the vibrator every time in the same position, yeah, I would say that you're more. You're not addicted. Your body has become used to a pattern that you repeat every time you want to orgasm.

You go into pleasure yourself and you repeat a pattern. You know, we're all creatures of habit, right? Like, I have a pattern every time I, you know, come home, open the door, put my keys in the bowl, walk in the house, walk the dog. Like, we get into patterns and we don't even think about it. We brush our teeth is the same. We do that with masturbation. So I would say if you're worried about this, though, just bring in your hand and start masturbating with your hands and every other time working your hands.

But I don't think that there's. It's not like a lesser of an orgasm. If you use a vibrator, it doesn't make it a bad orgasm. It doesn't make a different orgasm. And vibrators are good for us too. Remember the sex, we get sex. The more orgasms we have, the more orgasms we're going to want. And for many of us, it's easier, it's efficient. We can explore our bodies. We know we're going to have an orgasm. And vibrators aren't just for solo play. In fact, partners can benefit from it. There was a study that actually came out. Our friend Justin Leh Miller did a study, and he said 71% of couples said that vibrators improve their sex life. And I love this study. You can check out more in a podcast I did with him where he talks about a lot of these. These myths and a lot of studies that have shown a lot of what we believe about sex is untrue. It's called kinking Casual sex with Justin Lehmiller. But these people all got. These couples all got vibrators to use for two weeks, and they had to use it every time they text for two, three weeks. And guess what? After that point, they all wanted to use a vibrator all the time. They're like, we love this vibrator. And remember, vibrators are great for penis owners as well. They feel incredible on the shaft, the balls.

All over. I mean, it's a vibration. Vibrations feel good all over our body. Like, our head feels good, vibrated, scratched, touched. So I would just. Yeah. So the reality is vibrators are part of a healthy sex life. All right, I have an email from Alyssa, 30 in Chicago.

Hey, Dr. Emily.

I'm using a rabbit vibrator, and when I'm orgasming, when I'm orgasming, it's almost a paralyzing feeling, and it's so, so intense. But I never have that feeling when having sex with my husband. Is this a different type of orgasm? What's this feeling? Is this normal? I'm very new to self pleasure. All right, well, okay, so the orgasm that you have with a vibrator sometimes is different than the orgasm you're gonna have with a penis. It's different than an orgasm you're gonna have with your hand. And there's lots of different ways to orgasm. So you're talking about a rabbit vibrator, which is a dual stimulation vibrator, which means part of it goes inside of you, and then part of it is stimulating your. Your clitoris externally, and then there's an internal part. And so that means that all of those nerve endings are being stimulated at.

You know, think about, like a. Think about a massage. Like, you could get a massage with one masseuse, but you could have one masseuse massaging your back, and another one's massaging your feet, and maybe there's a third massaging your head. Feel pretty good. Well, think about it that way. So your rabbit vibrator is hitting all the right spots. It's vibrating and it's all happening at the same time. It's great. It's intense. I love it. Have you had your husband hold the vibrator so he can see this kind of incredible orgasm you have?

That's really hot, too. I think that we think that if we tell our partners about our vibrators, or maybe we have told them that they get threatened. But what I have found.

Is that, and what a lot of you have found is that when you actually bring your partner into the experience, they become part of the experience with you. They're like, down. They're like, that is hot. I love watching you have that much pleasure. Can we please bring this toy? When we're together all the time. And it's a really beautiful thing to see your partner.

Have pleasure and ecstasy. Now they're sure there are partners. You might say, oh, I wish she reacted to my penis like that.

You know, I wish it was the same. And I understand that, that. That can feel like, somehow inferior, like you're not doing enough.

But I don't think that your partner's thinking that. Like, think about technology. Think about all the ways that technology has shaped our lives for the better, in many ways, makes things more efficient, more intense, so we can get on to other things. So I think what I'm saying here.

Is that.

Yes, it's a different type of orgasm. If you're not having this feeling with your husband, I would also say, does he know what feels good to you? You're going to have a different kind of intense experience with your husband. Maybe you're not orgasming with his penis, and maybe that's your question as well. But a lot of times we go, we need to just then slow down. If you're having sex with your partner, with your husband, are there different positions you could try? A lot of women go really fast during sex. Like, they move really fast. And maybe there's like a slower sort of. Maybe you're on top and you really are trying to feel him in your body and you're, you know, moving in different positions and you're talking about what feels good. So I would play around with it. I would also say that, you know, I love that you're having intense orgasms. I think that's great. And just have fun playing with your partner and seeing what kind of dynamic that can bring what kind of pleasure you can have with your partner.

So remember that it's not all about the orgasm. Okay? Last but not least, the myth. Anal sex is always painful. Oh, and it's only for Gay men.

Oh gosh, listen. Oh. Some other related myths. If you are a straight man, but you have, you have something in your anus, it must not be that you are now gay. It makes you dirty or slutty. It's bad for you. Tips for exploring, you know, safely and pain free is just to go slow. You can explore with yourself on your own during masturbation. Explore with your partner, communicate about it, talk about it. Go slow. You want to breathe a lot. I mean if it's painful, it's probably because you are not going slow and breathing and using lots of lube and communicating what you need with your partner. That's what it gets painful. It gets painful when it's unexpected. No one wants surprise anal. Here's the thing. All men penis owners have a prostate and it's in their anus and it feels amazing. It's like kind of like the, the female G spot and when penetrated, it feels great. It can feel. I mean penis owners I know who have played with it, they have incredible orgasms beyond orgasms, next level orgasms. They have great pleasure. It's sort of like their bonus button. They're like, I had no idea. And the reason why is because for so many years we thought it was only for gay men. And I don't, you know, there's a lot of, you know, many states, it's outlawed. They outlaw anal sex. They out, you know, I understand they also outlaw, you know, homosexuality.

However, anal sex is great for all genders. It does not listen do it, you know, you know how I know if you're gay? You might if you, well, if you tell me you're gay, then you're gay. I'm gonna take your word for it. But if you sleep with men and you're a man, if you sleep, if you have a penis and you like to be with other penises, I'd say yeah, okay, then if you say you're gay, then you're probably gay. But a sex act is not going to make you gay. It's not going to define your sexuality.

Okay, so if you want to know more about anal though, because you know I love talking about anal, you have to check out our recent podcast. It's called Seducing the Booty with Alicia Sinclair. So please check that one out. We talk so much about anal. All your anal, Your actually your top anal questions are answered in that episode. And remember, if you are searching for your prostate, you want to play anally, play with your anus. We love be vibe. They make incredible all things anal. They're being like all things butt. Butt plugs. It's a great way to explore, you know, what you like and what you don't like. And vulva owners too. With anal play, you can have new sensations. You can, you know, a lot of. A lot of mobile owners have orgasms that way and there's just a lot of play to do together. Think about anal play. Just expanding your sexual repertoire.

There's so much fun to be have and just seems sad to have. Like a, like a, like a do not enter sign for your entire life over Uranus. Let's try it. See if you like it.

Okay, question here. This is from Nicole, 25. Dr. Emily first, thank you for all of your advice. I started listening to your podcast and it's changed my life. My husband and I have been together for almost eight years, married for two of them. He's the only man I've ever slept with. And at the beginning, it was so exciting and new, but as time went on, we got into super boring routine of sex. I had no drive to have sex, but since listening to your podcast, I changed my birth control and I masturbated for the first time ever. Omg. It's been amazing. And honestly, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm until nine months ago. We did your yes, no, maybe list and we both checked yes to toys. We now have several We Vibe toys that we've grown to love and our sex life is thriving. It's seriously so much fun. In the last week or so, he's been getting adventurous and starting to explore butt stuff. We're going super slow about this like you suggested, and I think it's going well. The question is, how do I ask him if he wants. If he wants me to touch him anally? I've heard about the men's prostate and how awesome it could be, but I'm scared he's going to say, hell no. Thanks again. Any advice would be appreciated if you use lots of Liu. Oh my God, I love this. Nicole, I'm so happy that you've learned so much from this show and that you have really been, you know, taking it slow and understanding each other's bodies and did the yes, no, maybe. Listen. All right, so I think simply.

You could talk about it next time you guys are out to dinner and say, God, I've been thinking about our sex life lately and I would love to, you know, how would you feel if I started, you know, put a finger in your ass or your anus or however you want to say it. You could also, in the moment when you're both turned on, you don't want to surprise him there, but you could start to take a finger and you could look at him. You could start to rub externally like. Like, you could start to actually start with his perineum, which is in between the anus, your ass, your anus opening, and the balls. So think about, like, the taint, they call it perineum. And you can start to apply pressure there and see how he reacts.

Start applying direct pressure and, you know, and then you can start to move your hand like, does that feel good? And hell, no. Hell, no. I wouldn't go in with your finger yet, but you could start to trace outside of his anus and see how that feels. You know, there's a lot of nerve ending, so there's a lot of playing to do there. And so I would say, I would ask him, you guys have been together eight years or just start to, like, tease them together. Just say, I want to know if this feels good to you. I think it'd be really hot to explore. Maybe he's been dying for you to ask. Maybe he's like, when is she going to do it to me? So I love that you're asking. You guys sound like you're in a really good place. Keep exploring, keep having fun. Keep that leave out.

That's it for today's episode.

Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever.

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