627: How to Have the BEST SEX of Your Life with EMILY MORSE | Sex Therapist and Author

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If you just hit your partner, like, we're going to learn together what feels good. Because if your partner likes anal and you've never had it, like, incredible, like, it just means that you get to, like, kind of go really slow, figure out what, how to do it, which I do talk about all of this. It's. It's really more about having a partner who's open and willing and nonjudgmental and willing to go on the journey with you. Because here's the other thing. Our sexual desires change every two years, every decade. That's real. And I want to be real people that if you're still having sex how you were having sex 20 years ago, you are not having probably the best sex that you could have.

That's such a good piece of advice.

Hi, I'm Rachel, and in this show.

We talk about everything.

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With others and with ourselves.

These are stories for the seekers.

These are conversations for the curious.

This is the Rachel Hollis podcast.

I would love to start with, like, how did you get into this work? Like, I don't know, your backstory at all. And maybe some of the audience doesn't as well. So you, like, who are you? How in the world did you get the job that you have?

That's such a good question, Rachel. Thank you for having me today. So it's a great question. How did I get started? Okay, well, here's the deal. Like many people, I had zero sex education. Okay? So meaning, like, I was in my 20s, started having sex, relationships, dating, all the things. And I always thought, like, there's gotta be more to sexual. Then, like, I would, you know, have sex. I knew there was a thing called, like, orgasm and pleasure. And I definitely wasn't having a lot either one of those I was having. But it felt okay. Not great sex was just sort of always felt a little bit really great at the beginning of a relationship. Not great. Maybe another few months in. I was sort of a serial monogamist. And I just had challenges around sex. And then I realized when I was about in my mid-30s, so I'd say about 15 years ago, I realized that I was having sex that was, like. It was just a little bit disappointing, and it was. And I realized that I wanted to start finding answers to it. How do I have better sex? How do I better relationships? How do I talk about sex? So basically, Rachel, I started this. I literally started this because sex was disappointing. I wasn't having great sex. And when I looked around for answers and I started talking about sex, nobody had any answers either.

When you say, I know what my version of not great sex is, but when you felt like sex to you, you wasn't super fulfilling, was that emotionally? Was that physically? Did you not feel comfortable in your own skin?

Like, what? Question. So thank you. It's a great clarified question. So I felt that I loved connection with my partner. I loved making out and kissing and cuddling and all of that was fantastic. But I didn't feel that. I'd heard about this thing called orgasms. I wasn't having them. I would blame my partner. I'm like, well, I think that I used to think that men got shipped off to some secret school where they learned everything about my body and relationships. So I thought, well, it must be his fault that I'm not having an orgasm. I felt that. I didn't know. I just felt like it. Just a lot of times I was waiting for sex to be over. I thought that successful sex was when my partner had an orgasm and when that was when sex was over. And so I. I found it to be just, you know, I'm a little Bit of an overachiever, too. So I feel like I go to the next level on things and I thought, well, what would it mean to become, like, really. How would I become really good at sex? Like, what would it. To enjoy sex more? And I started asking people for. Oh, my God. I'm. I just gotta. This is never happening.

Yeah, don't worry.

My. I had a little bit of.

No, it's okay.

I had a trauma. My dog. This is weird. My dog got died. Got hit by a car, and I feel like my brain. I know this just happened like, a.

Week ago, so I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, we're. We're deep.

I'm like. And so I haven't done an interview. I've been like. Took everything off. It was like 10 days ago. And I. So you feel a little scrambled? A little bit. It was a sudden thing. And this is. I've been doing this for 20 years, and I'm just a little bit. I'm so excited to meet you. So I need a beat.

No, no, no.

Well, don't be on. Like, be real.

I'm being real. I'm like.

Because if. If. And if you're willing to say that.

I would say it.

So many people who are listening know what it's like to lose a. Do, like your family member.

It's my family members. My first pet's about to go. Like, she was young and she. And so I. All of a sudden I realized, like, I'm having a little bit. I do a little bit of, like, grief, like, trauma. I'm not really. I never, like. So my dad died when I was little, when I was 19, and he had a heart attack suddenly. And it was like a sudden. And I know that you. I just wanted to see if I knew because I'm really sorry. I. I didn't know your husband, but I know your ex husband, and I know, like, that grief and children and. And so that was the thing. I was 19, he was 49. Any heart attack until I had to deal at that time. That sudden grief is something that I've had to. It's been like my life's work, really. And now it's. I haven't had anything like that. And then this happened. It's like, yeah. So I'm like, okay. So the last, like, 10 days, I'm back in, like, doing my EMDR work and my breath work and trauma, and I've taken off what I. And so I'm trying to, like, calm the nervous system and do all the things and it's been a really.

Yeah.

Thank you for sharing that. I don't know. I go through sometimes I feel frustrated because I'm like, we're still. I can't believe we're. This stuff still comes up for me. But when it feels triggering in a way, like, there are similarities in those. Those beats. Right. Like, it feels. Because you didn't know it was gonna happen. Shocking and.

Yeah. Grief and shock and trauma and all the things. So I. Yeah. So I think my brain is a little bit, like, I don't know.

Yeah.

Like, okay.

Yeah.

So I want to get back. No, this is wildly.

What's going on.

We were friends, which I feel like.

No, I love it because this is true. It's like, my least favorite conversations are when it feels. That's why I say, like, I don't like an interview, because it's like, people want the truth. And what's interesting is that I'm sure it's because our family's been in it for a couple of months pretty heavily, but the amount of people who are.

Going through grief right now.

So we had a. A big interview, and it's someone I've really wanted on the show for a long time. Was meant to be, what, Friday, Thursday, some last week sometime. It's all blending together, and they had just lost someone. And I kept checking with their team because it felt pretty soon to me, and I was like, well, I don't know. You don't know anyone's stories or what that felt like. So I kept saying, are you sure that they're ready? And they're. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He really wants to get back in it this week. And on the way to the interview, he texted me, and he was like, rach, I can't. I can't do this. I thought I could. I can't. And I was like, like, you guys is human, like, a million percent. It's not meant to be today. It'll be at another time. So, yeah. Thank you for saying, oh, my gosh.

I already feel, like, bad. Like, I just want to be real. Like, that's just what's happening.

That's.

And I think that's what people crave, too.

And so now it's easier to answer the questions, too, because I'm like, okay, well, that's. There's so much.

Yeah.

To tie into it. Right.

So.

Yeah.

Right.

Thank you. So to go back to, like, why I started this career, why I started getting. You know, I actually started out, I was working in politics, and I was a filmmaker, and I was living in San Francisco at the time, and I was going through the motions of relationships, and I was never really one who was set up for a traditional relationship. I never really. I was really focused on changing the world and doing something that was going to help people. And first that was through politics. And then I made a film about politics. I loved talking to people and telling stories. And through that, I've always been like, if you. And I think growing up. I grew up in a home where my parents were. Didn't stay married. I went through, like, there was a few divorces and marriage and divorces. So marriage wasn't really held on this high in a high regard for me. And so I thought, well, I would do, like, connection and relationships. And I thought, well, let's see what happens. I'm not going to put this pressure on myself to find the one. I'm really going to try to support myself and find a career that I love. And along the way, if a relationship works, that would be fantastic. But I kept finding myself getting into relationships with men that were wonderful men in the beginning. And the sex was fun, meaning was satisfying. And what I've come to find out, the honeymoon phase is the honeymoon phase for a goddamn reason. It's a biological condition that lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, the most loving people. It's just gonna take a little bit of work to keep it hot, to keep it going, to keep it fresh. But no one was talking about that back then. So I just thought, here I am with this wonderful man, and it's been about six months, two years, like clockwork. And I thought, how do you have sex with one person for the rest of your life? This isn't as interesting anymore and not as hot for him, the relationship. And at the time, I didn't know about that. Relationships take work and that you can work on sex and you can work on communication and intimacy and that having bad sex. And to me, that just meant, like, I didn't have high desire anymore. I wasn't really attracted to anymore. He felt like my best friend, which was great, but it's really not that hot. And I just thought, well, that must mean relationship's over, time to move on. Because how could I endure this forever? Like, right? So I kept getting into these patterns. And then it was about, like, really when I started this podcast about 18 years ago, it was like 2005. And I thought, well, you know, every time you do something creative and artistic, you have to be fully passionate about it or you can't Like, I want to be interested in this. I thought, I want to get to the bottom of sex and relationships because I. Maybe I'm missing something. Like, maybe there's a secret. There's a secret to having sex where you want to have sex all the time with the same person. You're both having pleasure and orgasms, and you're communicating well and. And you've learned how to do life together. Because there are. Even though half a marriage is ended, divorce, there are some happy people. Like, what are they doing? Like, what I want to know. And I'm going to bring them into this weird, this podcasting thing and start talking to them. Just audio, so we can get. Cause, like, I knew it was like, there's an anonymity to that. And I thought, what could I find out? And so that was how I got into this. And I was not the expert. I was really just had open ears and open heart. And I'm like, what? And I started asking people. Like, the first time I did this podcast was in San Francisco where I was living. And I invited like 10 people over all my, like, gay, straight, married, single, dating, online dating for. Married for 20 years. I started asking them. And I thought after that first day, I started getting some answers. But I also realized this is. This is. We all need this information. There's something here. And I started on the path of the podcast, Sex with Emily. That's how I started. And I went to grad school and got a doctorate, human sexuality. And that was the whole path. Wow.

And okay, so Now I have 10,000 follower questions. What popped in my head was, when you first started doing this work, was there something that you learned that you were like, okay, this is. This single thing is like the game changer or the foundation or the baseline that you now tell everybody? The first step to changing your pleasure, your enjoyment of sex by yourself or with a partner, is this.

Yeah. The first step is. So I'm gonna be real, Rachel. I'm gonna break down to you. I was. I was faking orgasms, I was faking pleasure, I was performative. I was really, like, doing what I thought my partner wanted. And then I realized that, like, actually self love and masturbation and figuring out my own. Like, there's two answers that came to me. The first one is like, how could I expect somebody else to know my body and what felt good if I have never. And not only that, I have shame. I don't want to look between my legs. I don't really know what's happening. I expected My partners to know everything. So I thought, I'm gonna figure this thing out. No matter what shame and weirdness I have around it, I'm gonna give myself pleasure, and I'm gonna figure that out. So to me, I think that was foundational. Is that making peace with my body? Because it's not just about an orgasm. It's about, like, listen, if we're walking around not. And I know you talk about this, not loving our bodies and not feeling confident, not feeling good in it, how do we expect that we're gonna get into a bedroom with somebody and be.

Like, okay, here I am naked.

I'm ready to go. There's no way. So that was probably the first thing. And the other thing that I learned early on was that there's all these untruths about sex, that there's all these myths, and I believed all of them.

What are some of myths?

So the first one that came to me is that women. That men want more sex than women, and that women are sort of like, not really meant to be sexual. And that.

We were sort of going along with get with men's pleasure. And then I came to find out that every time I talked to women and there was, like, studies and studies Sundays, that we. We want it too. We deserve it too, of course. So I think that I remember learning those in the first very early on and thinking like, this is really crucial for women and for everybody to understand our bodies and take it into our.

Own hands, I think so. I grew up in a really conservative, Christian, deeply religious household with a lot of body shame and a lot of sexual shame. And, you know, your body was for your husband. Someday you're supposed to save this for him. And it's all about him and his place. It was just so. And it took a really long time for me to unlearn that narrative. And I got married very young and got married to someone who had grown up in a really similar upbringing to me. And it's not like, oh, he was the. No, it's just like he had really similar religious stuff flowing through his mind. So it took a very long time for me to even understand that I was supposed to enjoy it and that. And it seems so obvious, but I do think that that's. This piece that's missing is like, men are always planning to enjoy it, always. But women are like, am I taking one for the team? Am I just trying to get this over with? Like, am I. I used to say when I was younger, and I had no idea what I was doing But I'd always be like, well, I just love the connection with him. I love the time, which is like, beautiful.

But.

If you've experienced an orgasm and you know that that's what this can lead to, you're gonna want that every single time. Or on the reverse, deciding that I would have that every single time or I wouldn't be interested in sex was the biggest game changer for me. Was like, oh, no. The point of this is that we both have pleasure.

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Exactly. There's no talk about Rachel. That's so true. Like people grew up in. A lot of people grew up in very, you know, religious or restrictive backgrounds where there's literally think about this. There is no talk about pleasure when it comes to sex. In fact, it's don't have sex. Wait till you are married. It's only for procreation. Actually. Don't have Sex at all. And if you do have sex, you might get pregnant or get stdi. So it's.

Or burn in hell.

Literally, burn in hell. And if you masturbate, you're going to grow hair.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

So. So everything we'll talk about sex is shameful. Wrong. Don't do it. Zero information about pleasure. So then you go to have sex, you're like, well, I know it's this, like, secret thing that I've been told I shouldn't want to do and shouldn't have to do, but I want to do it because I've been told that I shouldn't have to do it. Now I'm doing it. But, like, it's just so confusing. So pleasure. This whole talk about pleasure, and this is all. So then my mission has become. On the planet after I realized this, you know, is get people to prioritize pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Like, where in our life. Because also, here's the thing about pleasure, is that pleasure is. It's so conditional. Like, we think, like, oh, I don't deserve pleasure unless I check these 10 things off the list. Unless I work out today, then I can have dessert, unless I whatever. And I do. And so pleasure is productive, actually. So what I talk about in my book, too, is that it's like, pleasure is productivity. When we restrict pleasure, we're gonna be less productive. But if you can find ways to weave it into your life. I actually have, like, pleasure principles where I look at my life and I say, okay, what am I doing this week for me? And I look at it and I'll say, because I then have a list of things that I know that, like, are gonna be those joyful moments. And it could be like seeing a friend for lunch, going for a walk, getting a massage, you know, nature usually sending you to nature or something. And I'm like, where is that coming? Where is that gonna be worked into this week? Cause I was just so tired of so much of my life being about work and other things and pleasure. More pleasure in your life allows your body to be relaxed more, your nervous system to be calmer, and men more open to intimacy and pleasure and connection.

Well, I also think just if you are in a relationship with someone, the release of that when you are together with someone and it feels so good, and it's this intimacy that you're sharing. And also, ideally, hopefully, you both have an orgasm or more than one. It just. I feel like everything is better. It's just better. It just feels so much better. But if you are having any kind of.

I don't know, all those types of sex that you have that aren't really honoring of yourself, that it's for the partner or that you're not being truthful or that you're faking your enjoyment of the process, I don't know. It's like until you experience it, you don't understand what all the fuss is about.

Exactly.

I think, and I heard so many other women talk about this where they're like, I remember years ago I went, a friend had a lake house and a bunch of women went there and I remember talking about having sex with my husband at the time. And they were like, oh God, like, that's my nightmare. That is just like, you know, once a year on our anniversary or whatever. And I was just like, oh my, this must be so terrible. And not only are you like once a year on our anniversary, like, we really, you know, we do everything. It was like, I take one for the team because it's our anniversary.

Exactly.

Is there a hard and fast this probably like ridiculous. But is there a rule? Not that there should be rules, but hypothetically, if you're in a relationship that you really should be connecting in an intimate way, it doesn't have to be intercourse or whatever, you really should be connecting in that way. This often. Is there, like, any ideas around that?

You know, here's the cool thing about relationships that we all get to decide what feels right for us. Right. And I think that.

People always want to number, like, is it twice a week or is it once a week? And I have a hard time with numbers, but when I can say, say is. And this might make a lot of people feel a little bit better now that in every single relationship there is a high desire partner and a low desire partner. There's always going to be someone who wants more sex than the other one. So it's going to be hard to say. Like, but what I, I ask each couple, I implore each couple to do, is to figure out what number feels right for them. So I'm going to say that for many couples, once a month isn't enough. I'll give you that number. Okay. And I think for many, once a week is probably like, you're good. Like, that's, that's a good, like you're.

Doing if you got kids.

If you've got kids. Like, really? I'm just so it is hard. No one tells you this either. Like, there should be a whole, like, how to work the sex in when you have kids. Because we talk about everything else. Like how to work out when you have kids. Right? How to see your friends and your kids. Like, how do you actually. It's not easy. It's not even easy when you don't have kids, but when you have kids, it's like. And when you have four kids, like, I don't even know Rachel.

It's all about. It's a daytime sex that is. It's when the kids are at school. This is the thing that's your option.

That's it. Right. You gotta work around it though. Because here's the other thing that we do wrong with sex and why we're not having enough sex. And I can go back to the high desire, low desire partner, how you have to like negotiate times. Because a lot of people listening right now are thinking like, well, I want it four times and my partner only wants it once. And that's why I talk a lot about scheduling, sex making. And I know that does not sound sexy, but for many people, it's like, we've got kids, we're exhausted. If you think like, I'm having sex after 10 o' clock at night, after we've had dinner, I've been doing the dishes, put the kids out, like, I'm exhausted. It's never going to happen. I. But most of us don't even think to troubleshoot sex or to think about, reverse engineer it. And you just like, why aren't we having it? Why aren't we having it? Well, because you were trying every night at 10:30 when I'm exhausted and the house is still a mess or whatever it is. So we got to figure out what time is right for us. And if we know the kids are at school and we've got 45 minutes until we have to do something else, that's when you do it.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

You work around it because it's important, because you prioritize it. You're not just waiting for this magic moment that's never going to come.

I say that too, because when I. Because I was so restrictive, how I was raised, and then I went into my marriage without really anyone to give me advice in this area. This sounds so stupid, but, like, it didn't even occur to me. I could have sex any time of day but night.

No, it's not like this is why I talk about this. It's literally. This is not common knowledge. Like, I even just recently said to my partner, I'm like, babe, it's. He's like, we don't have we. I have to reframe this, too, for him. Like, it's not going to happen at night. I'm already realizing the schedule I'm on right now. It's really not. Weekends are great, right? We all get to decide. That's the thing. I want to empower you. Like, you get to decide what feels good for you. There's no, like, book of sex that says, you know, except for. Maybe I write a book about sex.

You're like.

Except for. Wait, wait. Except for smart sex. No, but there's no, like, rule. Like, no one's. There's no. There's no sex police that's gonna knock on your door, be like, ma', am, I heard you had sex in the morning, right? You were supposed to have sex this evening. No, like, we all get. And we get to make our own rules, and we get to talk to a partner about and say, like, what feels good? When do we want to have sex? Not just you, but me. We're in this together. Maybe it's in the shower, you know, Maybe it's like finding just times. Finding times. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's so crucial because time of day is huge for me because I'm exhausted at night. I am so freaking tired. If I just got through the whole day. Everyone got fed, they went to school, they got home, they got bath, they got bed. They. All of it. And I finally get to get in bed. With respect, it is the last thing that I am interested in. I just want to go to sleep. But it doesn't mean I'm not interested in sex. It just means, like, I want to have sex when I have the energy to be physically present in that moment with you as opposed to at least. I mean, maybe again, I'm going back to a past relationship that, like, when we got in bed, it was like, that was okay, the check. Like, now we're in bed, honey, it's time for us to. And I'm like, are you kidding? Hitting me right now. I don't. I'm incapable.

So relatable. Exactly. I think that's because that's what happens. And then we're dreading bed or we're faking sleep or we're faking something because we don't. Yeah, exactly. It's really, really uncomfortable. So I. Yeah. I encourage people just to kind of figure out what time is right. Working through these, like, talking your partner and thinking, like, a great place for couples, too, is like, when was the most memorable times we've had sex? And then you can think, like, and what was Happening before that, what was the circumstances, what was it like, reverse engineer it? Oh, well, usually it's like people say, like, we're on vacation.

Yeah, vacation. You're relaxed. You're more relaxed. For sure.

That's two favorite words, like vacation sex.

Right. You probably had tequila. It's possible. You laid out by a pool, you're like feeling, yes, a hundred percent. And what are those elements that you could then pull into? I also feel like.

This is going to sound. However this sounds. But like, if I feel good about myself, if I'm feeling confident, you know, if I got a. If I got a blowout, if I. I know it's dumb, but I'm like, I look pretty right now and therefore I feel like a little friskier than I would if I look like a bog troll.

Exactly.

So let's go.

Well, especially since. Right, exactly. We gotta make those efforts. Well.

And it is so easy to get caught in a rut of. I don't know, you just, you stop putting the effort in that you put at the beginning. I heard this quote years ago that said if you treated your relationship, if you always treat your relationship like it's the beginning, there will never be an end. Because in the beginning of a relationship, you'll do anything for your partner. You're so excited. That honeymoon phase, you love them and you want to do things. And you're like, I saw this and I thought of you. And then it's like five years later and you're like, who are you liking?

Your sweats? You're like never going to. Right? Exactly. And you're like, it does matter. The effort. Yeah, it really does matter. It really does matter. And it's not gonna magically, like just all work out. It's like a priority. Like, you have to. And also, yeah, we feel good for ourselves too. That's the other thing. It's like we have to remember that it's not just for a partner, but if you've been not taking care of yourself and feeling good about your body and moving and doing all the things. And that's the really big part of it that I realized that and after talking to so many people over the years, is that we think that sex is going to just. We're just going to have that spark and it's going to hit us over the head. Desire. Like, I'm just going to be in the mood like I always was at the beginning. We're always going back to the honeymoon phase. And I can't, I can't emphasize this enough it's like we keep trying to chase that spark that existed because of our, the feel good chemicals in our brain where it's popping all around. Like they look at the brainwave patterns of people on cocaine and people falling in love. Yeah, I've heard this. And it's the same. Okay.

Yeah.

So you know what happens after you come up, you come down and you got to find other ways to spark it. So I've realized now, and I had, I just wrote this, I have a book, so it's called Sex iq. So I was writing this book, I realized this is literally happening. I was like, okay, I'll write down the top questions I gotta ask. Over two decades, it's gonna be the place, the bible, the people can go for all the sex information. But I was writing and I was like, you know, like it's. There's so many more factors that are contributing to it. Like tip. Like, yeah, you could open up to the oral chapter and it will have my best tips. Or the anal chapter, all the question questions. But I realized that sex is so complex that there are different layers and everything impacts our sexual health. So for example, I. If I am not taking care of my health, if I'm not moving my body, I'm not exercising, there's less blood flow. If I have less blood flow, I mean, if a man or a woman less blood flow, there's going to be less my pelvic floor, my clitoris, there's going to be less enjoyment, there's going to be less energy to have sex. So that's going to decrease my desire. And if I. And my desire, my arousal, my desire for sex, to think, to want, to want. I'm not even thinking about it because I'm feeling bad in my body, I'm feeling sluggish. If I'm eating a lot of foods that don't make me feel good and I'm bloated and I'm not. I'm definitely not going to want to have sex. That's the health part of it. And then I think, okay, but also, what if I am having some resentments around my partner? Like, I'm super pissed because they said, right, that they were going to be doing these things and making efforts in areas that they didn't or they broke a promise to me. Well, there's no way that, that.

Yes.

So I created these pillars of sex iq and people can look at this and just think like it. I have a quiz. You kind of like, where am I right now on my sexual intelligence level? And there's five pillars that I ask people to look at in their life that are all going to contribute to your ability to be aroused and turned on. Because I can tell you sex positions, I can tell you how to talk dirty, I can tell you what toys to buy, what lubes to buy.

Right.

I can tell everyone that. And that's all there. But this is the underlying holistic approach to sexuality that I think a lot of people will help them feel, first of all, so much better. Like if you're on an antidepressant or you've got a birth control pill, you're might have a problem being aroused and turned on. And I want you to know that it's not your fault.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Changing of the seasons is a really beautiful part of life, but depending on what season you're in, it can bring up all sorts of different things for us emotionally. Which is why it's such an important time of year to check in on friendship and reconnect with loved ones to remind them that you're there. Just like it takes a little courage to send that text or grab coffee with someone you haven't seen in a while. Starting therapy can feel really difficult too, but it is so worth it. Honestly, I feel like going to therapy makes you wonder why you didn't go to therapy sooner. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists. It's one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the US and they do the initial matching for you so you can focus on your therapy goals this month. Don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist for yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. My listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Rach that's BetterHelp. H E L P.com Rach I'm glad.

You said the thing about birth control, because that was hugely influential in my sexual pleasure back in the day when I was on it. And it's not a conversation. I mean, birth control fucks your hormones can fuck your hormones in so many different ways, and there is not enough of a conversation around this. But that's a piece because it's sort of taboo. We're also not talking about that. But I remember a doctor telling me when I was. After I'd had my first son and I went on birth control pills, she was like, oh, you're probably gonna be a lot drier. Like, you're probably not gonna. And I'm like, what? What?

That's crucial.

It's key. Especially if you've given birth to a baby vaginally and things feel different down there. And you. I was like, how is that?

I just.

Now I'm giving up on that piece. But it wasn't even in that. I didn't really have a lot of courage to be like, I'm sorry. What do I do? Explain to me what I do with this information. So it's important that you say that. The other thing I'm hearing from you is, like, sex is.

It's a full body.

Full body, head, heart, soul, spirit.

Like, it's all the things. It's almost like the positions and the toys and all that. That's like the icing.

It is the icing.

But you got to start with the cake.

Exactly. You got to start with the cake. If you haven't. If you haven't, like, you know, talked to your partner about sex ever, and you grew up in a place where it just wasn't okay, or the two of you just have never talked about, it's gonna be really hard to continue to connect and be interesting to each other and have great sex, or if you haven't acknowledged your own challenges around confidence or around your body, around asking for what you want in bed. If you haven't learned to ask for what you want, which, again, most of us haven't. It's holistic. So that's what I try. I Lay out in the book all these different pillars that people kind of look at and go, okay, well, I could try to. And so I kind of cycle them through them too. And you don't get to a place where you're actually like, I have reached this level of intelligence. I'm there. It's an ongoing process, like health. You're never like, I am fit for life. Like, this is it. I'm done. Now I can go learn to speak French or something. Like, I'm done. Check off health. It's like sex is like, it's constantly. Like, I'm constantly looking at, like. Cause I know that it's important too, to be sexual and to be connected. And sex isn't only about orgasms. I wanna say that it does. Orgasms are fantastic. And if you haven't learned yet, like, we'll figure it out. We can talk about it. But also it's like intimacy. It's connection with my partner. Like, sometimes I know that there's nights where I'm like, I'm not gonna be ready for sex right now, but I know that you want it. So, like, what could we do to like. Maybe you could masturbate and I could do something. I can like, watch you. Or I could, I could take care of myself in sexual situations. Or maybe we both give each other massages and it's not about sex and it's about connection. So I'm gonna give you a 15 minute massage and you're gonna give me one. So I guess it's more of expanding your definition of what intimacy is and taking the pressure off ourselves to always be ready for sex and then to look at all these areas of your life that are contributing. Cause even for me, so I'm saying, like, there's times where I'm like, maybe I'm feeling just more stressed and I know that I'm not gonna be as turned on. Or maybe I haven't. Yeah. Talked about something like, partner, maybe the house. I've known this too. Self knowledge is knowing that, like, if the house is a mess, if it's freezing in the house, it's messy, the dishes aren't put away. I'm. My bed's. I made. I'm not gonna be in the mood for sex either. So I'm like, that's why. So now it's not a mystery. Like, are they mad at me? Is it this? It's like, no. I literally now look around my environment and I know all the things that are happening. And this is what I teach people and talk About a lot is, like, get to troubleshoot your own intimacy in your own relationship so it's not so mysterious. Cause with health, you could go see somebody, you could go work out, you could talk to nutritionist, you could exercise, you could eat healthy. But with sex, that's. I try to take the mystery of it, help people figure out, like, oh, okay, I can. I can figure out the things that are gonna help me feel better.

There's an equation here. If these things are in line, then it's gonna feel better or be a better foundation for you. I love that you said the thing about talking to your partner about sex. Now, let's say someone listening has never had a conversation. They are with somebody, and they're like, oh, my gosh, this is usually Emily. We have never talked about sex. How do you even start.

Such a good question? I think the best way to start is to.

Acknowledge the fact that you've never talked about sex. First of all, it's okay that most people have never talked about sex to their partners. And I'm going to say that, like, you're, like. I would say.

Rachel, probably 95% of people haven't had the kind of conversations that I encourage them to have about sex. And that I can teach. I could talk about it right now because I think it's pretty. Like, it is so terrifying that most people, when they think about. And I'm not saying, like, should we do it? How was it? Did you bang? We banged. It was great. What should we get for dinner? I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the, like, let's talk about our sex life.

Right?

Realize that we've been together for a few years or 20 years. And I was listening to Rachel's podcast. I get such good advice from there. And I realized, babe, this is how people can do it, because I'm telling you to do it tonight. I hope that tonight they'll do this. I realized that this is how the conversation goes, and I'll break down how to do it. But I realized that we've never really talked about our sex life in the way, like, I think I want. We should be great. I want to be a great lover to you, too, and I assume you want to be a great lover to me. But what I learned today is that communication is a lubrication. And the more couples talk about sex, the better sex they're going to have.

Yeah.

Would you be down with, like, just, you know, and then we're. So where couples can start is just saying, like, let's Talk about the three most memorable times we've had sex.

Ooh.

Good question.

Right? And with each other. Yes.

Yeah. Like, wow. No, no, no.

We don't want to hear about high school. We're like, we're college, whatever. Because then that's a great roadmap to say, like, what?

Oh, you like it like this?

Yeah.

There's so much information in there. You're like, oh, that time, you know, where you came home and you were dressed up in that certain way. Or maybe you just. You remember yourself like, I got my hair blow dry out that day. Or you remember that like, it was, you know, spontaneous. For many people, it was spontaneous. Like, you didn't think it was gonna happen. It was, you know, you couldn't wait to get in the home or was in the car. It was like, just like on the kitchen table ourselves, kind of just. You get to reverse engineer and think, like, what worked for me, what didn't work for me? And that is such a great way for couples to do it. I also recommend the three T's of communication. It's timing, tone and turf. Awkward conversations are hard. You don't want to have these conversations about sex when you're frustrated, when you're.

Angry, or during sex. During sex, this is like, you're literally like, during. And it's like, can we talk? Like, no, no, not right now. Not right now.

The bedroom is for sleeping and for sex. Do not have a conversation about your sex life in the bedroom.

Oh, that's so real.

So we're so real. So that is the turf of it. And the tone is light, curious, and open. Like, babe, Like, I realize that. Can we just. And no, you don't have to say it all the first time you're talking about sex, but how you do it. Just acknowledge that you haven't done it, that maybe you never talk about it. And you think that talking about it could be. And you could even say, like, I don't even know where this go or how to do it, but let's learn together, because not only it's gonna help you and your relationship, you're gonna start to realize that, like, we can learn what feels good, what's been a turn on, what's not, what do we want more of? What do we want less of? Do we wanna try something new? Because the thing, Rachel, that couples crave the most is novelty, variety, and spontaneity, just to start there. So for some couples, it can be just like adding a bottle of lube. It could be doing it in the Living room instead of the bedroom. It could be, you know, you surprise your partner and take them somewhere they've been wanting to go. That spontaneity, it's getting out of our ruts and our routines and making efforts, and that's like a very base level. But acknowledging too, that, like, maybe you haven't been prioritizing, but you can start today. Like, you can repair your sex life. You can start today like, it's never too late. Especially if you both have a growth mindset around sex and a lot of people. Again, going back to. I also talk a lot in the book about the pleasure thieves, the things that are so stealing our pleasure, and those are, like, hidden in plain sight. Like, that's like. It's like, usually stress, trauma, or shame. But if you grew up feeling that sex was shameful and wrong and you don't feel okay having sex because there's still that message because, you know, you go from home, it doesn't just evaporate because now you're married, you still hear the message. There's something deeply wrong.

Right.

And so I also share a lot about how we can kind of work with shame and work with trauma and work with stress and, like, release it once and for all. Because it's not just impacting your sex life. I guarantee you. It's affecting your ability to talk to your kids about sex. It's impacting your ability to show up at work. I mean, in all the ways. That's why, like, sex is. It's sort of been the stepchild of, like, wellness. Sex has been like, oh, like, we can talk about all these other meditation and qigong and yoga, but sex is like, good luck. And I want to. I want to wrap my arms around sex and bring it into this whole place and sing all the areas that people are trying to help themselves with, like meditation and breath work and yoga and therapy and dealing. All this stuff. All that stuff is. If sex is another reason for you to get on board with a wellness plan that works for you, I promise you that doing those things are going to help you so much feel better in your body, connect with your partner, have more love, have more joy. So it's all important. And it does start with an talking about sex that I want to say that your partner might get triggered by it. Like, they might go in fight or flight. Okay, let's go back to. Because you asked your questions like, how do you do it? And people like, oh, yeah, I mean, that sounds great. Like, we've never talked about it. And not only that I've never even talked about it myself. So I get it. And I want to. I wanted to say that, like, it could be a trigger. It could be like, your partner may be like, I know. I've seen this. People tend to go into fight or flight when sex comes up. Your partner brings up sex and it's like alarm bells.

Well, I also wondered if you had. I don't know why this is true of me, but I've just never been a jealous person. I have been with exactly two men in my entire life. Emily. That's not something maybe you knew about me.

No.

And both of them have been with tons of women. And I never felt weird about it. Just, I'm like, I didn't know you've been, so I don't care. But I was wondering if you're having this conversation and you're having it with a partner, maybe your partner's jealous. Or maybe one of you has a lot more sexual experience than the other. And so it's like, oh, well, I like anal. I don't know. I'm making something up. And let's say your boyfriend just told you that and you're like, well, we've never had anal, so that means someone else, you know, like, how do you navigate around that?

Yeah.

I think that we navigate around that. I love this question, because.

What I really try to get people to understand, what I would say to that is your partner does a mystery of history. I would say more history. More. Less history, more mystery. Because in a way, we don't have to get into the details of it.

Yeah, we don't need to know.

Right? But yeah, if they've had more experience, we automatically feel like, oh, I'll never really show up for this person. But what the great thing about sex is that the best sex could happen. We have the opportunity for the greatest sex and the greatest connection with the person that you're with right now. Because here's the secret. The secret to great sex has nothing to do with having anal in the past or using toys. Just means that you might know that you got to breathe, go slow, and use lots of lube. Like, it's not so mysterious, right? It's kind of like penis goes into vagina and, like, that will feel good with you or with someone else, but it's the connection that great sex, I always tell you this. I want to just people to trust me. Like, this is the area. Like, it's not about your past. It's not about how many you've been with and how Much you like. It's almost like, think about, if you're like a great chef, it's because you have cooked a lot and you could whip together souffle. But if I had the recipe there, maybe we sat together and you're like, I've done this. Like, this is how you chop up the. It would taste pretty good at the end. It might be a little clunky at first and take you a little bit longer, but you're still gonna have a souffle at the end. Great sex, the ingredients to great sex is truly communication and listening and being embodied and like, what actually feels good, like, when you touch me here and talking about, like, and breathing and going slow. And then like, the ingredients would be like lube all the time. Literally. Lube. I brought you some lube.

Like, lube.

I literally brought you two things of lube, because I love lube, and which on every nightstand, because every time you have sex, you should just lose lube. We could get into that in a minute. Like, it makes sex better. It's like using sunblock when it's not sunny out. It just is a game changer. Okay, okay, okay.

I promise you I'll try.

I'll let you know.

It's a main thing. But, like, so if you just say to your partner, like, we're gonna learn together what feels good. Because if your partner likes anal and you've never had it, like, incredible, like, it just means that you get to like, kind of go really slow, figure out what, how to do it, which I do talk about all of this. It's really more about having a partner who's open and willing and non judgmental and willing to go on the journey with you. Because here's the other thing. Our sexual desires change every few years, every decade. That's real. And I want to be real people that if you're still having sex how you were having sex 20 years ago, you are not having probably the best sex that you could have.

That is such a good piece of advice. That is such a good piece of advice.

So, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm thinking of my own, My own situation. And I. What turns me on now is so different than what used to. And I equate it to being in a different relationship with a different person. But I'm like, oh, no. Probably just I matured and it's something else now.

And.

And I feel so much more confident with my body and myself and saying, this is what I would like next as opposed to back in the day when I would be like, whatever you want to do.

Exactly. I hope it feels good. I hope whatever you want feels good. Exactly. Changes our bodies, change our hormones, sometimes a month. We want something different. This is right. So I want to encourage women to say it's okay to start having sex, and then to stop it to say something else might feel good. And so I encourage you. One of the pillars of understanding your body is about embodiment. The first one is, like, knowing, like, what actually feels good to me. Because lots of us times we disassociate during sex, and we don't really know to be like, oh, wait, this is what I want to explain.

Disassociation during sex. If someone's not familiar and maybe are like, holy crap, that's what I've been doing.

So disassociation is really common. It's when we. We get into the bedroom or any sexual situation and we sort of leave our body and we are either worried about how we look, what's happening, Am I doing the right thing? Are the kids gonna walk in the door? Is it, did I prepare? Or it's fantasizing about something else. It's being in your head, essentially. If you are in your head, if you're thinking. If you're thinking, blood is rushing to your head, away from your genitals, like, think about it that way. So we just. And then there's some extreme levels of disassociation where people are like, I just completely feel nothing. Like, my body is numb. I have left it. I'm just intellectualizing it. And it's more common than we realize. And so I just want to say, like, if you realize that's you, I encourage you to kind of, if you're with a trusted partner, maybe take intercourse, penetration off the table for a while. And I actually recommend this to everyone because the magic is not in penetration. And that goes back to procreation and religion and centering sex on penetration. When the majority of women are going to have the most pleasure from something that happens outside of your vagina. It's going to happen with someone using their hands or their mouth toys.

The clitoris is external and internal, but a lot of that, we just need touch. We require so much so to take the focus off of just maybe it's making out, it's kissing, it's going really, really slow. It's practically like massage on each other. It's getting to know your body again and being embodied. Just the practice of, like, movement and being in your body and being comfortable with touch and exploration and so slowness. Like, if someone was like, emily, I want one piece of advice. And then, like, you're done. We have 30 seconds. I would say. One of the things I would say besides lube is go five times slower. We rush to sex. And not only that, we rush to penetration. Like, think about. I grew up watching movies. It was like ripping each other's clothes off, right? There was maybe make out for a second. They throw each other on the bed, they roll around, they have screaming orgasms, and they fall asleep, and it was like, five minutes.

That is not sex, right?

That is not sex. Yeah. So what makes. I don't know what makes. I think for many women especially, it's like, we want the slowness. We missed the make early on. We missed making out and the newness. They slowly touched our face, and they maybe, like, kissed our neck, and they did all of these things. And that's a way to get out of being in our heads for sex when we realize that we are with a partner in lockstep through this whole experience of building arousal. So it's that kissing, it's making out. It's like eye contact, it's breathing together. It's just like, there's a lot of different things that we can do to ground ourselves in sex rather than leave our bodies and go somewhere else, which I think it's just really common to do it. Even, you know, big, high dissociation or low. It's just. It's a common experience.

Well, I wondered, too, as you were talking about that, you said, you know, if you have a trusted partner. But where I went to is if you are. Maybe you're having sex with more than one person, or maybe it's not necessarily a trusted partner. It's a new partner just energetically to disassociate, to sort of leave your body and kind of leave your body energetically when someone else has so much access to it feels, like, deeply scary to me. Sort of just like I really believe people's energy can kind of leave an imprint on us. And if you're stepping outside of yourself and they're with you in such an intimate way, that feels so dangerous.

It is. It really. Wow. It really is dangerous. And I love that you're saying this because I'm talking about couples, but even I'm a fan of, like, casual sex and taking the sex that you want because you want it, not because you're pressured and not because you feel that someone's making you have sex. Or it's gonna give you more experience. Because going back to Your excellent question about, like, experience it literally. You could have sex with a hundred people and still not be a wonderful lover. So there's two differences besides that. So anyway, casual sex can be great. All I ask is if it's not a trusted partner that you stay connected to your body. You limit alcohol, you limit drugs. It's a. It is a sacred, beautiful experience. And it can be. And can be really pleasurable and dirty and nasty. All the things too. But the very. It's like when you're driving a car, like, it's your operating machinery. You're like, your life depends on it. And with sex, too, like, I think that there it can be. I don't want to make it so serious and intense, but, like, be there, be present with someone. Because I think the reason why sex is so disappointing for so many people is because we don't even really know how to operate the machinery. We don't really understand what's happening with our bodies. What we've learned is in porn or with absence of information. And we just are like, I hope. Close your eyes. I hope I get it right. And I'm just saying that the more present we are with everything in life, whether it's cooking or exercise or being with our friends or our family at dinner, like, is presence. And so I just. I could be present with sex, and it's gonna get so much better and so much pleasurable. And maybe not right away. Like, maybe that scary part of being really present sexually, you're gonna be like, I actually never liked this position. That was a. I actually realized I need a pillow under my bum to feel a lot better. Oh, I need the room to be a lot warmer. Oh, I actually. When we make out for 10 minutes, that's much better than not making out at all. Or, oh, if you go right into penetration and you stick it inside of me, that's not great. But what I've realized is that when you go down to me for 10 minutes, I'm ready to go. Or you take off. Like, we have. We know what feels good in other areas. We know what to eat. We go to a menu. Like, think of when you go to restaurants, order something off the menu. You look at the menu, you're like, oh, I know that I like chicken. I don't like salmon. I'm going to get. I know that I like salad, but I don't want dessert with sex. I want to give people a menu. I want to be in charge of their own sexual menus. They can decide any night, any day, any Time with any partner, what they actually want, what's on the menu, what needs to be in place for them to be able to taste it and feel good. So they are responsible for their own pleasure. Truly, they could advocate for it.

So I love this conversation because it's something I feel like I needed when I was younger and when I was married. But also I found myself in a really unique position and I know I'm not the only one and I think this would be very helpful for listeners. So I had only been with one man, like my husband was who I had sex with. Good Christian girl. And then I got divorced. I was 37 years old. I had been with. I mean, I hadn't even been on date like that. It was just him. And so I'm like, wait, I really like sex, but I have no idea how to be a single. And I'm a grownup. I'm not like a 20 year old. So people will forgive me for not knowing what the hell I'm doing. I am a grownup and I was grappling with. I'm a grownup and my body is very different than it was when it was 20. And my body has been changed by having children. And so I'm going to take this body out for a spin and it's been changed. But like, I had so much stuff in my head about having sex again, but I really wanted to have sex again and I had no idea how the hell to do it. Now it just so happens that the universe was like, here is a. Here's a human for you. So I got insanely lucky in finding this amazing person that I'm with. But there's also a reverse of this where I don't find him and I find myself as a single woman, late 30s, I always would think, oh, I'm experienced. I've had so much sex, but I only had sex with one guy. So if you're listening to the show and you're like, rach M. This is me. I got out of a marriage. You know, I got divorced. Now I'm single. I have very little experience. Experience. But like, I'm intrigued by what you're saying because I just have this question. People are hearing this like, yeah, but I'm not like some 22 year old who it's like, no, you're a grown ass woman. What does it look like for you?

I love this because it's so common. I hear from this all the time that women are like, I was married for 20 years or five, whatever it is, five years. Well, how do you date now? How do I show up? Like, confidence, all the things. And it's such a great question. So really, it starts with so being in touch with ourselves sexually first, too. If you've been with one partner, you're really used to that partner in that situation. And. Oh, I know this is like. Oh, I didn't want you to say that, Emily, but I'm gonna say that this is the time to make friends with your vagina, your vulva. I am sorry, but I'm gonna ask you to get a mirror.

Yeah.

I'm gonna have you take a look. And I'm gonna have you, like, it could even just be your phone. Like, whatever. Take a look and be like, what is going. Like, meet her, right? Really? Like, what's going on? What is going on? And then I really encourage the masturbation thing. It's like, because sex is energy. So we've been with one person, They've been responsible for our pleasure. We put that on that and we've got that connection. So now we're still like, I'm gonna go from this person to this person's energy. I want you to ground in your own. Who is she? What's she up to now? Get to know her. So it's taking a look. It's masturbation. It's like getting curious about. And I have a great practice in the book, too. It's meditate, masturbate, manifest. And it's literally my morning practice. And it could take five minutes. But the practice of connection with your. With your energy sexually and. And saying, like, I'm going to meditate on. Even if it's for like a minute, I'm going to think, I'm going to. I'm going to masturbate and I'm going to, like, in that moment of orgasm, think about my day, think about something and manifest the future.

I've heard about this because the energy is so strong.

Energy is so strong in that moment. And that's going to be like. That's just like, we're going to get there. But if. Even if you just say, I'm going to decide to take a look, I'm going to touch. I'm going to get curious. I'm gonna do a little bit mindful masturbation. And I have some steps for this too. It's like, just really, it's. The goal is not orgasm. The goal is connection. The goal is, like, you're gonna. You're gonna go on a date with yourself. You're gonna draw that Bath, you're gonna clean up the place, you're gonna like, you're gonna light some candles and you're gonna get into that. What it feels to be sexually aroused, turned on with yourself, or just to be in your sexual body? Just do that again. What makes you feel sexual? Do you have. And for me, it's not lingerie. Like, I know, like, I love a little shirt off the shoulder. I love wearing boxer shorts. Like I know what makes you feel sexy and it's not for a partner. And I do I take a bath?

Yeah.

I. Or you know, a steam. Or I get in like my. I love those higher dose sauna blankets. Like I do. Or exercise. And I shower and I get into my body and I think about what are the things that are gonna make me feel good? So I lay down, I take a mirror, take a look, take some lube, and just get curious. Does it feel good when I take my left hand and rub it over my nipples, the side of my neck? Like, what actually feels good? And then I take note of it. You breathe, you start to touch yourself. That is the first step. Get comfortable with a masturbation practice. The next thing is to recognize that when you're feeling present and you're showing up someone in present energy, you. Every time you're with someone is a new experience that between the two of you, it. It doesn't matter what they had in the past, doesn't matter what you've had in the past, but your energy together is going to create a whole new sexual experience that neither one of you have ever participated in. Like, it's your. You guys came together for a reason. And so just the more you can do your calming, whatever calms you in the moment, you can get connected and stay focused with that person. Hopefully it's someone you feel good with and you trust.

Right.

And I also feel like this is hilarious. But I used to do this as a speaker. Like when I would do keynote speeches, I wouldn't masturbate. That's not what. That's how we're ever going.

Not yet.

Yeah, that's coming later. 2024, when I would go on stage and I would be feeling really nervous, I would just say it. I'd be like, oh my gosh, you guys, this is amazing. I've never spoken in front of this many people before. I'm feeling a little nervous. Give me a minute. I promise my voice is going to calm down. But it was like calling it took the fear away. Because what we're doing is we're Trying to, like, force ourselves internally. Stop it, stop it. Don't be afraid, don't be afraid. And it's making it worse. And every single person in the audience knows what it feels like to have to public speak and be like, holy crap, what's gonna happen? So I feel like if you find yourself in a situation where you find a partner you wanna hook up with or you're on a date or whatever, just say, I'm feeling nervous. Like, I haven't been with anybody in a minute. I'm really attracted to you. I. I'm hoping, you know, whatever, because if they're an asshole, you're going to know right away based on the response, which is a great litmus test. But also I feel like they're probably going to be like, oh, my God, thank you same. Or like, oh, hey, I get it, I was the same way after my divorce, or whatever.

They're nervous too, believe me. Even if they have a text, everyone's nervous when they first get with someone. I love that. It's true. Just being real. Being real. And that's kind of exciting. It's so real. It's so authentic. You're not trying to be something you're not. Drops into the present moment. Be real. Yeah, yeah, be real. And no one's expecting things from you. So if you're going. And I just love that people are going out there again too, because, like, it might take a beat to get to get out there, but just the more you don't put pressure on yourself, like. And also the other thing I want to say is when you're with someone, this is a good game changer too. Is being real, being honest, authentic. Sharing something that's like, heartfelt and then also remembering getting out of the mindset because I used to do this too. I hope they like me. But what about, I hope I like them? Do they like me? Did I like them? So being there when you're sitting across from the first day, be like, do I actually like them? Do I like. Because it's not this performative mode of like, I hope I get their, like back when they text me. You have permission to decide what feels good to you. Like, is this someone I could see myself with? And you know, so how do you.

Do you put a lot of stock into if you're with a new partner? Like, what are those things you should be looking for in a sexual experience that you're. Even if it's like, not perfect, perfect right away, that you're like, yes, this is someone that makes Sense for me. And I asked because my boyfriend. I would never, ever in a million years have known how powerful this human characteristic is until I was with him. He's incredibly comfortable with his body. He's European. He would live naked if he could. He just, like, if the kids aren't here, he is like, his clothes are not on. He's just, like, living his best life. When I first met him and found that, I was like, oh, my God, this is. Where do I look? This is so crazy. And it wouldn't be like, it's noon and he's making a sandwich. But, like, it would be. He'd get out of a shower, and he wouldn't be dressed yet, and he was not in a rush to put clothes on. And I would just be like, your penis is just flopping around. Like, it's just here out in the world. This is crazy.

So.

And he would laugh. He'd laugh until he would cry. He's like, americans are so funny. Like, you're so uptight about it. But him being so comfortable with his body has gotten me to a place where I am so. Because he's just like, you're so beautiful. Like, everything about. And I'm like, oh, I have stretch marks. Whatever. He just, like, everything about my body is so beautiful that I'm like, I am beautiful. But if I hadn't seen that modeled for me, it would make such a difference in the woman I am today. So that's a piece I would have never known to look for. But it wasn't like, oh, I'm going to be with this person, and he's like, you know, going to fuck me up against a wall. It's like, oh, it's sort of this very earthy, like, natural. I don't know, energetic. I wish that I had been given that advice, or I wish I could give that advice to other people. I guess that's what we are. That someone who is so comfortable with themselves is. At least for me, it was, like, a huge catalyst for change in my life. Yeah.

So it's such a. It's such a great story. It's such a great lesson, too. It's like, because what I'm hearing you, it's like, yeah, I guess that would be someone who's Makes you feel bad or makes you feel shameful, or they're constantly judging other people's bodies, or they're, like, covered up in the bedroom. Like, that might not. That might be a sign that you're.

Gonna pull that energy in.

Right? Exactly.

You're Gonna, like, if someone. A man or woman, you have a partner who's, like, super insecure, you're gonna. Because if you ever met those people where they're, like, really insecure that you think their body is dot to die for, and they're like, oh, my butt's big. My that. And I'm like, well, girl, if that. If you think you look bad, you must think I look like a monster, because this is amazing. Yeah, that'd be hard to take in.

So hard to take in. I mean, everyone has their things. Of course everyone has the things they don't. They don't like about their body. That's why I talk about, like, body. Like, I don't think you do love your body, but how about just be neutral about your body? Like, my body's like, okay today. And I think that the more confident you are with a partner, like, I. I feel like we have these. I just want people to know, like, no one is looking. If someone is with you on a date or having sex with you, they're not thinking, like, I can't believe her left boob is bigger than a right boob. Or she's got no. Like, not at all.

They're so pumped that you're having sex.

They're so psyched. They're like, we are here. Here we are, nobody. And I realized all the things I used to worry about, like, really nobody matters. It's really is about us feeling comfortable. It's because my other part of that exercise is saying, masturbate. If you guys don't want to masturbate, like, get naked and just look at yourself in front of the mirror. Like, walk, kick. Comfortable being naked with yourself. But also, like, how do you explain that the signs would be somebody who's making. If you feel that you're with somebody, that it's not you, but they're making you feel like you have to cover up. You can't be yourself. Like, not a good sign. Like, you know, that's just. And you want somebody who's comfortable. Like, tell them, like, how do you. How important is sex to you? Like, ask them those questions. Would you be willing to have conversations about sex? Because I can't tell you. Rachel, how many people call me, call into my show, and they're like. They're like, well, my wife, I'm wondering why she won't want to, you know, if she'll ever. Why she has never initiate sex. And I'm like, okay, you know. Have you ever talked about it? Oh, no, I could never talk. We've been together 15 years. This is the first I've ever talked about my sex. It might be time. It might be time. So, like, let's start to realize that, like, nobody is comfortable with these conversations. And. And that, like, you want somebody who says, like, I can have a conversation about sex. So I would ask them sooner than later and say, would you be comfortable having sex being something that we talk about? Cause I think it's important to have a growth mindset around it. Like, that's how you know if they, like, shame you or they make you feel weird. Like, trust that. Yeah, that's information.

Yeah, that's hard, too. Especially if you are in a situation like I was, where you're growing up in a religious world, and you are. You've been told that you're not supposed to have sex until you are married. That's a hell of a time to discover that you are not sexually compatible with someone.

That's really tricky.

That's so scary. But I do think there has to be a way for you to talk about intimacy and sex. Let's say you are. Let's say you're like, I'm saving myself for marriage. More power to you. But there has to be a way to still talk about the expectations you have or what that will be or. What do you think this is?

Absolutely. I think if you. I think that no matter what you've decided to say, like. Like, I'm excited to learn together with you once we do get married or once we are together about sex. But I hope that we can start to just on our own, like, you know, prioritize our intimacy and our connection. And it is hard to kind of think about what's gonna happen sexually if you've never had it. But just to say, are you open? And you would know, is your partner committed to mental health and wellness? Because that's a big part of it. How do they feel about you going to therapy? How do they feel about you taking time to pray, to meditate, if you have to take medication? These are all questions that are important. And if you've heard this person maybe judge other people or not be okay with it, they just buck up, and you got to keep going and keep a smile on your face. And you're on this growth path right now. If you're on a growth path of better health and wellness, then let's hope that your partner is too.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Sort of a sign, I think, if they are willing to talk about this stuff, that they'd be okay around sex.

Yeah. Yeah, I do think women, I mean, men can be in this place as well, but I think women especially are really bad about. They want so desperately to be in a relationship that they will ignore 10 red flags about the relationship just so that they can be with someone. And I use this quote all the time. I saw it years ago on social media. This girl said that her grandma used to always say, it takes a really good man to be better than no man at all. And I was like, yes, sister. Like to. I love the encouragement of, like, know yourself, know your body, get comfortable with who you are. I think, I wonder how many people, if they took an honest look at their life, if they took an honest look at the relationship they have with self, self love, self care. Do you feel confident with yourself sexually? Do you know yourself? Do you know what would give you pleasure? Where you like to travel to your favorite food? Like, have you really met? And know yourself well, because if you don't, the partner that you can attract, the partner that you will attract at the vibration you currently are rocking is not who you actually want to be with. You would not want to be with someone that would want to be with you as you are right now, like your dream woman or your dream man. If you lay out those list of qualities, do you have them personally? It's crazy to me.

So true.

It's so hard to be in a relationship.

It is so freaking hard to be in relation. Why?

Why do we do this to ourselves? We're, like, so obsessed with finding a person that we don't figure out who we are as a person. Like, we don't.

What are we doing exactly. It's so true. We don't. We see. And we're also told, like, well, someone's gonna complete me. Like, if you're looking for something to complete you, then you're a half person finding another half person.

Amen. Amen.

Find yourself right now. Do the work. I mean, that is, you wanna find the person that's willing to meet you where you're at. That when you're at a better. And you're never done growing and doing work. But if you are not, this. This work is so important. That's why I think it's good to wait. If you can wait to be in a relationship, take time. If you're. I used to be someone who went from one relationship to the next. And I finally said, like, I'm on a manatorium. It was like a moratorium for men. And I took like six months and I just said, I'm not dating. I'm not even gonna be. I'm not even going to, like, flirt. Because you realize how much brain space you take up thinking about the opposite sex, whether you're swiping on an app or whether it's just you're seeing your partner on Saturday night. Like, whatever stage it is, it takes it. If you remove that, you're like, I'm taking that out. I wanna fill that with, like, who I am doing the work and journaling and therapy and like, what do I actually want in a partner? And even, like, writing down the list of the traits is so helpful to think about. And then you'll look at those traits and you realize a lot of times it's what you want in yourself.

Yes.

So that's exactly what you're saying. Like, how do we become the best versions of ourselves to attract that other person? And I would say I want to give people permission too, to take that time. Because there's this notion that if you're single, that there's something wrong with you. Like, you're only single temporarily till you are a couple. And there's some magic in being single. Like, some of my greatest time has been like, who am I without a man? Like, that's what I did during my manatorium. I was like, who am I? What do I like to eat? Where do I like to go? Where do I want to travel? And then I got to build my friendships and my girlfriends and be around all the people I love in my community. And then does someone fit into that? Because I think a lot of us can relate to being with a man. Then all of a sudden, their friends are your friends. This is what.

Where are we?

And so there's just like this time, even though society, like, might not celebrate it, your parents, like, when you're gonna find someone when you're having kids, like, we're out of your parents homes, right? Like, who are you? What do you want? And what you might want now is time for yourself. You're not running out of time. It's never too late. And the time that you do take just for yourself is gonna be time well spent. And you'll be able to find those people attract all the good things.

Totally. Oh, my gosh. So much good information today. I know we've touched on a little bit, but tell us about the book. So where can we get it? Okay, where should we start? Who's it for? Give us all the details.

It's a great question. So the book been doing the podcast Sex Emily for almost 20 years. The book is born from that. The book is called smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. And what it is about. There's like. And it's really for. It's literally for everybody, all genders, all sexual orientations. It's for anybody, no matter your body parts. It's literally for anybody who wants to understand their sex life and have more pleasure, more connection and easier conversations around sex.

Yeah.

And ditching the shame. Yeah. So that's what it's about.

Very cool.

And it's available whoever books are sold. It's released June 13, so please buy a book and review it. If you like it. I hope you like it. I really think, think it's going to change people's lives. I know that it's. And it's, you know, accessible and exciting.

Well, I think that's the way we change the world is we change ourselves. So you helping people to change themselves is ultimately going to get you to your original goal. So well done you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

On social where our.

It's also at Sex with Emily. Fantastic across the board.

Thank you for hanging out.

Thank you for having me. Yeah.

The Rachel Hollis podcast is produced by me, Rachel Hollis.

It's edited by Andrew Weller and Jack Noble.

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