A Breath Away From Better Sex

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Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls and talking all things sex and relationships. Topics include tips to make mindful sex more mind blowing, can avoiding ejaculation, athletic performance, ways to move past betrayal in a relationship, and how to stop obsessing about your partner's sexual past so you can truly be present. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything. In between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com check out our podcast. Our blogs are updating the site every day. It's really a good time over there at Sex with Emily. You can also subscribe to the podcast. And here's the thing, guys. Also, we did a really fun show a few weeks ago that I think you're gonna like. It was with my amazing team, and it was really fun. It was called a Sex Toy Review of Orgasmic Proportions. And we talk about our new favorite toys this year, why we love them. We give advice about, like, navigating sex toy etiquette. How do you bring it into a relationship if your partner's kind of weirded out by a toy? We walk you through all of that. And you can also check out the video on Sex with Emily Facebook page. You can see exactly what we're talking about. So that was a super fun show. And we released two shows a week, so hope you're enjoying all of them. Follow me on social media, which I love. I love hearing from all of you. It's exwithemily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and we'll be doing some contests too, coming up in December, so you guys can get some great presents for the holidays, because we're all about spreading pleasure and joy. Of course. So this morning, you guys, I was doing some breath work and some meditation, as I often do in the mornings. I'm getting better at sticking with my morning routine. I know it's not easy. We're all really, really busy. And do you feel like if one more person tells you to do yoga or to breathe or meditate, you're like, you're gonna punch em. I get it, okay? I get it that it's everybody like, just be mindful. Just slow down. You know, I have a team here who holds up notes during the show and tells me to slow down. Okay? So I get it, right? I was thinking this morning, though, it really does help to take a few minutes every day to kind of just ground yourself and to just kind of be more mindful. And when you are more mindful and present in your body, it can actually also make sex better. So I'm going to share some tips for you about how this can kind of work across the board to get out of your head and start to enjoy sex. But I know that everyone's talking about this lately and it's kind of like the catch all. They're like, well, you should just meditate. You're like, how the hell am I going to Meditate. I don't have time, you know, either. The kids are screaming. I'm always late for work. I press the snooze button. But I'm going to ask you to open your mind and to just think about this, that there's a reason why everyone's talking about it. And you might not have found the way that meditation and breath works for you yet, but there's no right or wrong. There's not like you have to do it for 20 minutes or for 30 minutes a day. It's not about that. It's more about just like trying. Trying to quiet your mind, to focus on breath, to kind of let a lot of those thoughts go away in your head for five minutes, ten minutes a day. I know that you will see a massive difference in your life. So for my routine, which I'm always kind of honing, I've been doing meditation for years. And I'm going to be honest with you, I did this meditation retreat 20 years ago, and it has taken me a really long time, up until probably just the last year and a half, where I actually have made it work so I can do it every single day. Not that I wasn't doing it over the years, but I've actually been able to recognize the benefits and that came from me being more lenient on myself, that it didn't have to be an hour in the morning, an hour at night, or it didn't have to look a certain way. Kind of like sex. I think a lot of us are worried that we're not having sex the right way. I know we are, but let me share more of this with you. So I started to meditate more in the mornings, and I also realized that the combination of meditation and breath and movement, whether you're just like, breathing into your pelvic floor through this, and you are, you know, doing some stretches and breathing into your body for just a few minutes, it can make a huge difference and help with sex. So our brain is the largest sex organ because that's where, you know, we start to think about sex. And then our body can get turned on or we need to appeal to our mind sometimes to get in the mood for sex. But our mind is often very, very distracted. Right? We're caught up in so many other things. A lot of my friends always ask me, emily, how can you just help me how to stop thinking about my to do list during sex so I can really get into the moment? So I'm going to give you some tips here. And even if you just did One of these things, the medit or the breath, I promise you that it's gonna start helping you and also help you with your sex life. So maybe you've been feeling like a lot of pressure, you know, to orgasm or sex might not be as interesting to you anymore. It probably means that you just have to do some more work on yourself especially. Cause a lot of you are always saying like, I can't get out of my head during sex or I'm overthinking this, or I'm worried that my partner's judging me, or I have low self esteem or body image issues, or I come too quickly or I can't come at all, or I can never have a G spot orgasm again or whatever it is. Because we're in our heads. And so these exercises will help you get out, out of your head so you can get into your body and truly, truly enjoy sex. Because most of what's keeping us from having the sex we want is ourselves. How great is that? Like, there's really nothing else to blame. It's the way our minds work. And so if we do some of these things, it's going to help us kind of control our minds, not have that the other way around where our mind is controlling us. Because really good sex requires a lot of mindfulness. That's another key term like being mindful and being present. And so if you can learn a few of these tools on your own, you can start to incorporate them during sex. So for example, meditation. There's a lot of great ways to learn to meditate. Easy ways. You don't have to go to Thailand and sit for 10 days in silence. There's a few good apps out there. There's one called Headspace a lot of people use that they really like. I know people have been like, it's like been life changing for them. You can just set your timer on your phone for 10 minutes earlier in bed. You can lie there in bed and breathe. I like Insight Timer, that app too. It's a free meditation app and they have all these guided meditations. So just sit and just start. You guys start with five minutes, three minutes. And if you can't do it in the morning, you could do it on your break. Let me tell you what meditation does. It allows you to stop those thoughts. You learn to just kind of let them go. You watch them float past you like a balloon. And then you go back to your breath. And even if you do it a hundred times in five minutes, which you probably will, it takes a really long time to stop those thoughts, you'll realize that there's this place of mindfulness, of being present. And you can, once you get into the habit of doing this, you can actually do that during sex. When you find that your mind's worrying about the to do list, you can go back to your meditation. So that's why this is important. The other thing is breathing. It's funny because breath is like this, another huge buzzword. Everyone's like, just breathe. I'm wearing a necklace around my neck right now that says breathe on it. Okay. People get like, like, they get tattoos on their wrists, they breathe. And you're like, okay, guess what? If we don't breathe, guess what happens? We die. You're dead. Really. But yet we have reminders of it. Because we hold our breath during the day and we, we speak from our chest up. We don't actually breathe fully through our body. Like, deep breaths like that. We actually do like, like, it's like the chest breathing. It's like the fight or flight, but learning how to, like through your pelvic floor. So during your meditation, I do this. At the end, I'll do like five minutes or three minutes of really, really deep breaths that run through my body and through your pelvic floor and back up again. That's important because that's gonna awaken all your sexual organs that you might not be that connected to. You might not have sex in a while, but it kind of wakens up that whole part of your body. Here's the other thing about breath. Yes, it's great for tantric sex. I've talked a lot about that lately. How partners can kind of consciously sync up their breath and like deepen it together as a way of intensifying and extending their sex. But it's not just about that. If you've ever experienced like trauma or dysfunction, or you're just harboring things in your body, you don't even know what they are. The more that you breathe, deep, deep breath work. And you can take courses on this. There's stuff you can do online. You actually can release trauma and release memories and things from your body when you consciously breathe. And once you start to do this practice, you actually, in your day to day life, you'll realize like, oh, I'm holding my breath. And you'll like, start to breathe. So it's interesting that it's something we gotta remind ourselves of because without it, we die. But it's worthwhile focusing on it. And also, again, during sex, you guys, we hold our breaths during sex. And we hold our breath when we get anxious, or we hold our breath, you know, a lot of ways when we start to breathe during sex, if you're ever like in your head too much and you breathe, you'll get back into your body and back into connecting with your partner. The inner monologue during sex. Also that inner monologue that we have that we're thinking, like, am I gonna have an orgasm? Is it gonna happen? Is he gonna touch me or want him to touch me? Does she like my penis? Does she not? We have this whole dialogue going on, which is completely all wondering why we're not having sat. This is where that meditation comes in. When you're able to turn off that inner critic, that audience that's in the moment, that's narrating things in a really negative way. When you learn to shut that off and replace it with the meditation and the mindfulness or the breath or whatever it is that you go to in that moment, when you're able to do that and bring your mind back to the moment, you'll realize that you can truly be present with your partner again. You can take yourself back in a moment by just breathing or meditating, that those thoughts, they're just gone. And eventually it'll become a habit and you're able to sink into the moment and become present with your partner during sex or during masturbation. And finally, you guys tune into your sensuality. By the most basic of all definitions, it means like pleasing or fulfilling your senses. So the other thing is when you're having sex or to start practicing your day to day life, when you tune in to sight and sound and touch and smell and taste, you're really present and it brings you into the moment because you're like, what does it smell like in here? What does it taste like? So when you're having sex, when you're making love, when you're with your partner, you can focus on your sensuality and make that a priority. So focus on, like, what are you smelling in the room? Like, what are you tasting? Like, what are the sensations along your skin that you're feeling with your partner? That's why it's great to also set an environment during sex where you have candles that smell really good, or you play with different fabrics. Because the more that you tune into your senses, that's also another reflection of mindfulness, because that's really what sex is about, is indulging in these sensations and creating more euphoric sensations and being aware of what you have going on around you. Because when Your mind is focused on specifically, like, wow, my partner tastes really good, or smells good or, wow, their hand feels great on my arm, and you're feeling it. You can't do two things at once. So you can't be worried about your body image and worrying that, like, your partner's gonna notice that you have this weird mole. If you're thinking about, God, this tastes so good, my partner smells amazing. You just can't have both of those experiences at once. It can't. It cancels it out. So, again, this is a practice, and the more you go back to it in the moment, you're gonna realize, like, oh, wow, I really am enjoying sex more. So those are a few t. Tuning into your senses, turning off that inner monologue, breathing and meditating. I feel like these things have really. I found a way to make them work for me over the years, and I can share more about my little morning routines that I do that kind of set me up for the day. But I want to hear from you. Email me feedbackexwithelmily.com and let me know how this has worked for you if you have any questions around it. And again, this is all about going to help you getting into your body and out of your head so you can have better sex. Now, we're onto your calls. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing. We made it really easy to ask a question. Just choose the option that's easiest for you. Text me your question. Text ask Emily all one word to 797979. Or you can submit a question from the sexwithemily.com website via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, I love it when you include information that helps me answer your question best. Your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And also check the box that you'd like to be called, and we'll call you on a future caller show. Okay, we've got Valerie. She's 31, from Texas, and she has a lack of stimulation when she's touching herself. We're gonna talk about it. Hi, Valerie.

Welcome to the show.

Hi.

Hi, hi.

Hi.

How are you? I'm so good because I'm talking to you. Tell me what's going on.

Well, it's been a long, long thing, but I've just never really put too much thought into it. But.

Recently in my relationship, he's just kind of brought it up, and I guess I've been ignoring it all this time because I don't know how to deal with it. But when he touches me, it's great.

It's awesome.

It's what it should be, you know, but, you know, he. He just was like. He asked me once if I could just kind of stimulate myself because that. He would like to see that. And, you know, I do it. I give him the show. But to be honest, I just don't feel what I feel when he touches me. I'm just like. It just kind of confuses me.

Oh, okay.

I feel like there's something wrong.

No, no, no, no. I'm so glad you called. So have you ever masturbated before?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

But, you know, I figured maybe that's my problem, so I've been doing it more and more and, you know, watching, you know, more porn to see how others masturbate because maybe I'm doing it wrong.

I've also.

I seriously thought that maybe. I'm just. I have no idea.

But.

But you know what? I was listening to one of your episodes about childhood and how sometimes through your experiences with your parents can lead to shame when it comes to sex.

Absolutely.

So that got me thinking about it. I was like, wait a minute. You know, my mom, she caught me masturbating once or twice, and she. And I was really young, and she was just like, no, no, no, don't do that. It was like, a huge thing. And she was, you know, raised me.

Yeah.

As a Bible reader.

I was literally. That was my first question for you. I literally was gonna. I'm so glad you brought this up, because I was gonna ask you about your formative experiences here around sex in your home, because I kind of got that. I don't know, from you talking about it. So it feels like there was shame. It's so common. Your parents, like, don't do it. Don't. They tell women that. And guy, like, it's dirty. Don't touch yourself. And so that's probably a message that you took into it, right? Yeah. So common like that it all takes is one time, right? And then it's like, it feels bad. Yeah, honey, that's what happens. How great that you realize this, because now we release it.

I' glad that I found your podcast because I never really put too much thought into it until, you know, you were talking about it, and I was like, oh, my gosh.

Wow. I'm so glad this is a. This is a real thing. This is such a thing that you can't believe. It's more of the thing. It's the biggest. I would say that Shame and the way we grew up around sex is probably one of the biggest factors that contributes to people's dissatisfaction with sex and inability to have the sex life they want is because of these early messages. I would say that's one of the main factors. So good for you that you realize that, because now we can retrain your brain. We can release it. We can have you have a healthy experience around masturbation, because it sounds to me like that's. That's what's going on. I would say it's okay to watch porn, maybe to get turned on, but not to see the way. If you've already masturbated before and you know how to touch yourself and you know what makes yourself feel good, right?

Just, I think that's it. I think that I don't know how to touch myself. That crossed my mind because, see, growing up, I've masturbated. I mean, it's a little embarrassing, but, I mean, I've just done it, I guess, a little different, you know, I just kind of grind on things.

That's not different. That's totally normal. That's what people do.

My hand.

Yeah, that's great. No, but that's what women do. They touch their hands, they grind on the couch. They, you know, they. They lean up against the water in the tub. You know everything, right? Yeah. So. So, so wait. But. So I'm confused right now, though, to tell me what's happening right now with masturbation when. When you're alone, you're doing the things that you were doing as a kid and it doesn't feel good. Or have you stopped masturbating since you were a kid because of the messaging?

No, I never stopped masturbating. It's just that I've always done it the way that it's worked for me, which is grinding it on. On the bed, on, you know, on the sheets, whatever. And now that he's brought it up about me, you know, giving him a show, I'm kind of like, okay, I'll give it to you. I'll give you the show. But I'm just like, am I supposed to be feeling like. I know I'm supposed to be, you know, turning myself on?

I got it.

There's nothing going on down there.

Right. Because it's a whole new way of touching yourself. I would say you could, when you're alone on your own, start playing with yourself in ways that just are different. Maybe like use a mirror and hold up and, like, kind of look at yourself and see what Areas are, like, getting around. It can be a really cool thing to, like, lay back and be like, wow, look, when I touch myself here, my clitoris gets aroused. Or look at my laby. My lips are, you know, the. The labia, inner outer labia are really sensitive. I didn't know that. So you could kind of use it as, like, exploration to start figuring out what, you know, how you want to touch yourself and, and what makes you feel good. And yes, maybe looking at porn could help you a little bit. But I would say, you know, we've got some great stuff on our website as well out how to actually touch yourself. And, like, women experiment, you know, like, do you want, like, up and down movements? Do you want circular movements on your clitoris? The good news is you know how to make yourself orgasm and you just did it, like grinding yourself on the bed. But here's the other thing. I think he would think it was hot to see how you touch yourself grinding on the bed. Why couldn't you show him what you already do? I know he wants a show, but believe me, when he's asking you that, it is so hot for him to see that you know how to turn yourself on. He's not going, I wish she was laying back on the bed and had flower petals around her and it was perfectly. No. He's like, wow, she really knows her body knows how to get off. And that's really sexy. I think you giving the confidence to show them what you're already doing is perfectly fine. And it's also great to continue to explore and learn new things always. Because if we just masturbate the same way our whole lives, I think that we will miss out on, like, learning other Roger Stones and other parts of our body that turns on. Okay, so there was this study then. This is just kind of some things that get you going. So when we hang up, you can go, go in your room and, you know, start playing with yourself. Masturbating. We're excited. The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. They asked a thousand women age 18 to 94 about their sex lives and sexual touching preferences. You know, no surprise, many reported penetration alone was not enough to achieve orgasm. The key was clitoral and other stimulation techniques. So here's what the women said they liked the best. Ready? Most women preferred light to medium touch, while only one in 10 women said they liked firm pressure like this is on their, you know, clitoris stimulation. The preferred shape, slash style methods that were popular were side to side. We're talking about, like, side to side. In your clitoris, like up and down and circular motions in or in the vicinity of the vagina. And other styles like tapping and even being pushed together like a sandwich were on the list. So there's some. Yeah, right. Go push them together. Play with it. So those are some tips to get you going there. And I say just, do you go to bed?

There's so much to do.

I know, right? Who knew? And I think that. Yeah, I think that you and your partner will really enjoy it. You could even have them do this with you. Yeah, you're welcome. Good luck to you, honey, you got this. It'll be fun. Have a great night. Thanks.

You too.

Thank you. Bye. You're welcome. It's like we all are walking around with these vaginas, and we do not get an instruction manual. And it's just like, couldn't that be nice? And that's what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to help you all out. We don't. It's okay that we don't know how it works, but I think it's great that we've got a lifetime to figure it out. Different touching techniques, different ways to explore your body is important every time you. Not every time you masturbate, but if you feel like. Yeah, that actually inspired me. I've never pushed my lips together like a sandwich. You might want to try that next time. Why not? We have Tahir. He's 28, from North Jersey.

North Jersey.

Love it. He wants to know, does getting some action before running race affect performance? Hi, Tahir.

Hi, Emily. How's it going?

Good. How are you? You're running a marathon? I love it.

Yeah, I've been running my whole life, but, you know, I've been doing marathons since about seven years ago, But I've always had this dilemma of, like, whether I masturbate the night before or if I have sex the night before, if it's gonna actually hinder my performance at all during the actual race. Because I. I've googled it. I see conflicting views, and I'm still not sure. And since you're the expert and I.

Decided to talk to you, I'm so glad you called because, you know, this actually has been debated, and the thing is that I don't think that there's one way to go, because is everyone's body's different. So for some men, like, they might be like, oh, yeah. When I. When I don't, you know, because here's the. Here's the theories, right? Like, the theories are if you hold. If men hold back on ejaculation, right. And let's say you wait three weeks. Three weeks or something, and you build up that, like, energy in your body and that kind of, like, aggression. It can kind of re. Channel your energy into more, like, focus or kind of help you perform better. If you wait to release till like, let's say after a big race or a big meeting. Yeah, right. And then there's also people who say, like, oh, if you ejaculate before for a race, your testosterone levels are gonna be higher and you'll have more energy to compete better. So what I think you should do is test it not on race day, but on, like, your long run days. I used to run marathons as well. You know, test it on, like, your next, like, long run day and be like, okay, I'm really gonna, like, I'm going to have sex for this amount of time tonight or whatever, ejaculate and see. See how it feels. And then have it where you wait and you don't ejaculate at all.

And then you.

Then you do it the day after that long race. So I would play with it? Yeah.

Yeah. Because, you know, it mostly came because I was actually feeling anxious about it and you know how, like, masturbating helps.

Relax.

I'll give it a try. I'll let you know how it goes.

Please do. I would love to hear how it goes. Yeah. Good luck to you at the race.

Thank you so much.

Bye. Have a good night.

Thank you so much. Huge fan right here.

What'd you say? Oh, thank you. I love hearing from you. Let me know how it goes with the race. Thanks, Tahir.

Sure.

Thank you very much. Appreciate it.

Bye. It's interesting we're going to be talking more about this, about ejaculation in the coming weeks with men, but there are some lot of studies out lately that do talk about male ejaculation. And the more that you like men in their 30s and 40s, especially men in their 40s, like, ejaculating once a month might be more ideal. And like, learning how to actually have orgasms without actually ejaculating is another practice. I know it seems crazy, but for a lot of men, they found that it really does help their focus, their concentration and stuff like that. But not, you know, again, it's not for every man. It's really not. So I'm interested in this topic and we will continue to talk about it on the show. This is. This is the other thing about sex. There is not a One size fits all. So that's why you really have to just figure out what works best for you. It's an individual, you know, process how you like to touch yourself, what turns you on. You all know that you guys get to decide your own sexual roadmaps, which is great. We're going to take a quick break and give a shout out to our amazing sponsors. We love them. Thank you for supporting them. And we'll be right back.

Okay, we've got Natalie. She's 31, from Colorado, and she wants to know what can a couple do to get sexual intimacy back after a betrayal? Hi, Natalie. Thanks for coming. Hi, how are you?

Hi.

I'm good. Sounds like you're going through a lot. Now, let's tell me a little bit about where you're at with this betrayal and how it can help.

So two months ago, I discovered my husband was having an affair with a coworker. It was emotional and sexual in nature. We've been together for nine years, married for four. So we are in marriage counseling now dealing with the betrayal itself. So I've gotten past what occurred and I've moved on to forgiveness. The deep wells of anger are less existent now. But we haven't had sex since I caught him.

Of course.

That makes sense. Honey, you're too much. Not very much time.

Yeah, yeah. And that is. Sex is incredibly important to him. I would say that. I mean, if given the opportunity, he would have it multiple times a day. And I can't do it that often. I'm more of a two to three times a week top, so. But I can't even think of having sex, any sex with him right now. I'm not feeling emotionally attached or trustful at all.

I absolutely understand that, honey. I mean, you got to go. It's been two months. So I want to hear about your counseling. You said you went to counseling. I mean, I'm surprised, Seriously, when I'm hearing you talk right now, the fact that you said you already moved past this and moved past that, I mean, there's a lot of people, there's different stages of this. And I'm not so sure that you're past all those because that would be miraculous. That means you guys have been in therapy every single day since it happened. Happened or twice a week since it happened. And so I want to know how long you have actually. Unless, you know, I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm actually a huge lover of therapy. Been doing it my entire life. Incredibly self aware. Read a ton of self help books. So I'm also a very rational and logical person. So I was able to move past the emotional part not really quickly. Exactly. But we have been in therapy for the two full months that we've been going.

Okay.

Once a week.

Great.

I mean, I definitely have. I've forgiven what he's done, but I can't. I'll never forget it.

Of course not.

I always know that he could do that to me and that he can lie to me. So I mean, I think that's what's holding me back.

Absolutely. You've lost trust. You've lost, you know, it's been a mar on your intimacy and your nine years together you've built so like that's all really real. And to feel safe again, to open up and to be sexual, which is such a vulnerable thing, you know, you're not feeling protected and safe yet. Which totally makes sense because. Because you know, couples need to, you know, when this happens with betrayal, it's all about rebuilding trust. And that is just, that's a lot of work. So. I'm so happy to hear that you like went right into therapy once a week. Really, really important. But as far as rekindling intimacy, I hope that you go easy on yourself and you give your kind to yourself around this because it is going to take time for you to feel like you even trust him again. To have him touch you and feel sexual. So it's not even about times a week. And da da, it, it's. You guys gotta rebuild the way you're having sex too. So first of all, it's okay to take sex off the table. I agree that intimacy is really important. So maybe you guys could slowly rebuild through like holding hands, touching, massage, and not even have sex yet if you're not ready. Because you're already talking about three times a week. He wants it out. Like you can't jump right back into the sex either. Just like you can't jump back into the relationship. Right.

And I'm one of those. I require that emotional attachment in order to get satisfaction from sex. So right now I just don't feel emotionally attached at all. Like the logical part of me has kicked in and she's protecting me.

Right. Well, you're super. I hear it.

Part of me has no pity for his situation.

Right, right. Well, how does it feel though, just to be intimate? What do you guys hold hands and you cuddle?

We. I have been trying to give more physical gestures of affection, non sexual ones. I did the five love languages. I figured out his was physical touch. Okay, I'M really trying to drive home that intimacy and sex are completely different things, too. And that I. I mean, and even before this all happened, I wasn't satisfied of emotional intimacy that I get from him.

He just.

And right now in therapy, we're really working on him, like, putting his emotions into word, like, feeling his emotions, not just shoving them all deep down inside, like toxic masculinity has taught men to do.

Right.

So I just. I'm wondering if there are things that I can do to kind of help open myself up more for that in the future. I mean, obviously, it's not going to happen anytime soon.

Right.

I just. I don't know what changed your experience.

Yeah. Well, you're telling me that before this even happened, your sex life was. What was it?

Yeah, it was just mostly like, freaking satisfaction. Just. It was just such a routine. I mean, I've always taken care of my own needs. Big proponent of toys, but I just. I never felt like I was his focus. I never felt like I. Like he was there to meet my needs. It was always me doing something for him sexually. Yeah.

Well, this is a great way to enter them because I'd say this is the time that you get to ask for what you want and figure out what you want and demand that you get that in bed. I don't think it's about meeting his checklist of three times a day or whatever he wants. Obviously, that's not gonna happen, but what a great way you guys are rebuilding everything else. Why not rebuild your sex life as well? Like, it can't go back to how it was, and you didn't even like how it was. You get to start new now. You get to start fresh, and you have to start to say, you know what? I feel like, you know, there's these things that I'm going to need from you. Now, here's the thing is that it's communicating about this stuff. You know, we talk about this a lot on the show. Like, you can't just be like, you need to go down on me more or whatever. Whatever it is that you require from him. Are you able to explain to him what you need to feel cared for sexually right now?

Yeah, I mean, I could definitely put it into words, and I have before. I think it's just doing it in a way that. Where he doesn't feel like I'm being critical of him.

Right.

And in a way where he feels like he's getting something out of it, too. I just. I think that we went on autopie it for so Long and made it so easy for him to do this.

Right.

To go outside of our marriage.

Right. And you weren't asking for what you wanted either then. You were not satisfied. So, in a way, do you care? What you care about sex. Right? Like, you like sex. Do you want to have more fulfilling sex and connected sex?

Yeah, I mean, I definitely enjoy it. Um, I will be completely honest. I've had some medical issues, and they're literally hardly any nerve endings left down there, so it is almost impossible for me to have an orgasm.

Okay.

So this via penetrative sex. So I figured out how to do it myself, and I attempted to show.

Him how to do it too.

I think that the time and effort that it takes to. For me to get off is just something gonna. Just get on board for.

Yeah, well, of course he's gonna have to get on board for that. You don't feel a lot inside of you? It's, like, nominal. Yeah. Okay.

Pretty much numb.

Okay. And you've gone to doctors and your gynecologist and gotten checked and done everything you need to, because there's ways to un. Numb it. Like, there's ways to.

Honestly, they just say that. Super common now for this. Things like that to happen.

Okay, well, I'm. You know. Okay. I just want to say that maybe there are ways that it could become un. When you start focusing attention on it more.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure there are some incredibly expensive.

Not expensive. Well, I wouldn't even say medical. I would say if you start wearing, like, some kegel balls around the house and start doing your exercises and start, like, kind of just feeling sensations in there, lying back on your bed and, like, waking it up again and attaching with that part of your body. I feel like you've been probably disconnected. And of course you wouldn't want to have sex right now if you're not really feeling anything. But the good part is that you know what does make you feel good. So you've been able to adapt. And you're saying that's difficult to explain to him, or you don't think he'd want to? Cause it just sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about the state of your sex life right now. It's different than it was. It shifted. Not just because of the affair. In a way, if we have to look at the. The silver lining here is you get to have the sex that you always wanted, you know, because you weren't satisfied before. So it's really a matter of, like, just being really honest with them. Doing your best not to use the blaming language, or you never. He never did this. But just tell them what you need to feel connected and sexually satisfied, and it's okay that you need something different now, and it's okay that you don't want to run right back into sex. And tell them that that old routine doesn't work for you anymore, and you'd like to rebuild a new one with her. And this is where you guys would talk about the things that you really like, what turns you on, what really works for you, what wasn't working for you. I mean, he wants more intimacy, more touch, it sounds like. You know, sometimes that could be just holding hands or a massage or being, you know, sitting together on the couch, or, like, when you come in, doing a loving gesture, giving him a kiss in the neck. You know, I know what that's like. That's my love language as well. I just would like to be touched, like, every 10 minutes throughout the day. It'd be great. You know, I mean, so he needs that from you. And I feel like I understand why you don't want to give it, because there's still a lot of maybe anger or something, but there's probably a way to touch him intimately so he's getting satisfied while you guys are also working on your sex life. And you don't have to jump right back into the sex right now. Makes sense. All right, Good plan of action. Okay.

Yes.

You got that. So go easy on yourself. You guys need to have some more talks about this. Break it down, get your own new schedule, redefine it, and keep going with the therapy. Therapy and being honest.

All right, thank you so much.

Well, you're so welcome. Bye, Natalie. Thanks for calling.

Bye.

Bye. I love these caller shows because it's so great that we could really get to the layers here, because first reading this, I'm thinking to myself, oh, you know, she's trying to get the trust back, and she's gonna have sex. Well, there's a lot more things going on with her body and all this stuff. And I feel like when you're with someone for a long nine years, you know, it's gonna 10, year, 20. It's gonna change over time. And you have to constantly readdress your sex life like you do everything else in your relationship. You might not like doing the same things you did when you first met. Your sex life's going to change. So I think this is a chance for them to rebuild it to be really freaking honest. And she said that it was always about Pleasing him and his desires. I think that's a really common dynamic that one partner feels like they're not getting their needs met. But the good news is there's always time to restructure, recreate and dive back into a new sex life with a long term partner. It can't get better. We've got Emily on the call, another Emily. She's 24, from Laguna Beach. And she wants to let go of the fact that her partner slept with a lot of women before her. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Emily. How are you?

I'm good, I'm good. I'm happy to talk to you today.

Thanks for having me on the call. I appreciate it.

Yes, of course. So tell me about what's going on.

So I've been dating this amazing guy for over two years now. And he's so awesome. Awesome. But it kind of came across like he didn't tell me directly, but just all our friends come across and realize that he's been with a lot of girls. And it's not something that is a constant issue with our relationship. It's just something that's in the back of my head all the time. And it kind of just sucks, like, just thinking about it, you know? So I was just kind of wondering what I could do about that.

Tell me about your feelings that you're having about it. Like, are you thinking about it?

I feel like I'm just being selfish, you know, it's like, oh, I don't want to think about him with anybody else. And it's like, I know I can't get upset with him because that's not fair to him because he didn't even know me. So I understand that. I had my fun in college too, so I completely understand.

Right.

So I get it. And it's. I know it's not right, but I feel like there's just something I can do to make it easier.

Right.

Even though I know it's not.

Well, I think that it's all. Because the good news is that, yeah, it's. It's all, you know, it's in your head. And so a lot of times we conjure up these things that we know. It's like we're beating ourselves with really bad information, like with this stick. And it's like. Because maybe it makes you feel inadequate or maybe you feel like, I don't know, is that. Is there a part of it that makes you feel jealous? Do you feel inadequate? Do you feel like you won't match up to them, that you're not great in Bed. Because he's had so much more experience and he's constantly thinking about the other women. When you're together, is that the kind of thoughts?

I don't. I don't think I would go into it like, that deep. Like sometimes. Oh, yeah, I think she's pretty. I never feel like it's. Maybe I feel like I'm competing when I don't know I am.

Right.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Like, deep down I feel like I'm trying to compete, but, like, on the outside I'm like, okay, well, just. I think about it too much or something. I don't know.

Well, I'm taking it to another level for you. Because the fact that you keep bringing it up in your head is a way of torturing yourself. Like, you can't stop. You're obsessing about. I don't. Okay, don't. I. I don't mean to put, you know, call it an obsession, but it sounds like. Yeah. The fact that you're, like, upset, you hear about it and then you're thinking about this woman, and she came in and he was with her. And so I'm thinking when we take that to another level, like, why is your brain going to there? Because we use. It's messed up. But the way our brain, many of us are wired, is that we feel like we just, like, torture ourselves with information that we flip it, we make it bad and, like, you're bad and, you know, he's thinking about you and you're jealous and all this stuff. So really, my advice would be to, like as much as you can when you have those. Those kind of thoughts, just to really realize that they're not serving you, that it is his past that he's with you. And that sounds like you guys have a good. Yeah. Two years you've been together. You trust him. Correct. It's trustworthy.

Absolutely.

And I'm wondering if there's anything with your sex life. I'm wondering if this is the reason perhaps why your brain is doing this. Is if, like, triggering it and flipping it around so much and ruminating. Is there something with your sex life with him that you'd like to see happen or something that you're craving that isn't there right now that you'd like to talk to him about. Right.

I think.

I don't know.

I. I kind of. We started dating and I used to play a college sport and I quit. So I think that might be something that has to do with it a lot. Maybe. Like, I don't even I had a lot of identity issues for a little bit that he helped me with because I, I, that's all I did growing up, you know, so once I stopped, I didn't even know who I was anymore. So I think that kind of tipped me off the boat, I guess you can say.

But.

So you don't feel as confident. Like, you don't feel as confident, but how does it impact your, your ability, like, in the. Really, like, in the bedroom? Do you not feel.

I don't think, no. We have a great sex life. Like, I think it's fine in the bedroom, but I just, I feel like, just with our relationship overall, like, I, we have such a good relationship. The last thing I want is for me to, like, ruin it because I eat myself up too much about something that I shouldn't.

Right. Well, I think it's a choice. Yeah. I mean, you can't change it. So you cannot never change your partner's sexual past. And this is why I say it's always great not to talk about it, not to think about it, not to even go there. Because really, the sex you have to focus on in the relationship is right in front of you. It's with him. So that stuff really doesn't matter. You really can't change it. You can't get rid of it. It's still there. And you want to respect him as well. So I think the most is, like, it's really reprogramming your brain to be like, when you have yourself having those thoughts, if you feel like you can't stop, like, replace it with, like, a. And I'm in my mind right now, like, I can't wait to get home and see him. And I'm going to, when I get there, I'm going to tell him how much I appreciate him for this or how much I'm really enjoying our relationship. Like, have a list of positive things that you could look at that you're grateful for in your relationship. Like, if you keep a notebook or your notes on your phone. And I think it helps sometimes when you write it all down and you're like, we had this great date the other night. Or like, I had six orgasms, or it was so sweet that he brought me home breakfast without asking, you know, I don't know what it is, but if there's for you, things that you could constantly look at that are the more positive aspects of the relationship, this stuff will fade away. And that's the reason why I asked if there's something that's bothering you and if you are going through a hard time right now where you feel like you've lost the identity of being an athlete and you're not feeling that confident as you go into the world and you're 24 years old and this is a time where, you know, there's a lot of time figuring out what you really want and who you are and what kind of jobs you want to take. And so it can be hard to be intimate in a relationship and to feel great about ourselves when we don't know. So just know that this is. You're in the right place. This is the age that it happens. I mean, process time. So I feel like that's the stuff you should be working on then, like your self esteem, but it's just separate it from what's really happening, happening, you know, So I understand all of that. So.

Yeah, I. I like that a lot, what you said. Just writing stuff down and just being positive. Like, he is so good to me and literally I have no reason to be so worried. Like, he really is awesome. And it's just myself. I know. You know, just.

Right.

Being mean to myself, I guess.

Yeah, exactly. We find so many things to beat ourselves up with. And so I'm saying, can you find things to like to praise and to feel good about? I'm glad that that, that makes sense to you because you deserve to have a happy relationship here and that the suffering that's brought on by your mind, you know, we could stop that.

Yeah.

You have no reason. And sometimes our brain scans the environment for reasons to be upset about things, you know what I'm saying? Because you're going through this own discontent, so you're displacing it. So it's almost like a displacement to the energy you're spending on it. So just recognize that that's your thoughts creating it. It's separate from what's actually going on. So that's okay. Okay. Emily, thank you so much.

Thank you.

You got this, girl. Okay, talk to you soon. Bye. Stay in touch.

Bye.

Bye. You guys realize that so much of the suffering we do and the problems we create are actually in our heads, and we just don't know how to stop it. And I totally understand Emily's obsession. We think we like it. We think it's gonna help us be better people somehow. But if we keep replaying stories that aren't useful to us. So I think writing things down and really looking at like, okay, I'm feeling that these things are all true about the past, or I'm not a good person. But when you write down the things that you're really appreciative for, the things that you really love about your partner and the things that are good and you have a place that you can look and you can read those things again, it'll help get you off that loop of negativity negative thinking which is holding you back from having the relationship and the sex life that you want. This was a fun show. I love talking to you guys. It's been awesome. Thank you for subscribing on itunes reviewing the show. You can actually subscribe a lot of places now, but we appreciate when you review it. I'm so thankful for your positive reviews and you can, like I said, check it all out on social media. It's X with Emily. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our intern Shannon and Jenny, producer Lark and Michael. And thank you everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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