A Sexpert Threesome: Your Questions Answered By the Experts

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So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily podcast. So excited for today's Show I've got Dr. Hernando Ches. He's a sex therapist and sex professor. And Dr. Ava Goodell is the new Penthouse magazine sex columnist. So thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. You're going to love the show. But first, a shout out to one of my sponsors. As you know, we've all got hair in places we don't want them. And we spent so much time and money, razors, waxing, trying to get rid of all that hair and it's such a pain in the ass and you spend so much money. The best way to remove unwanted hair with zero pain is the no, no pro. It's actually, you know that I love electronic objects. Usually I'm talking about vibrators. This is actually a hair removal device and I almost like it better than some of my vibrators. You can do it at home when you're sitting there. It's for men and for women. You, you can remove that hair on your face, your hair, your back. You know guys, you might got some hair in places you don't want it and you never know what to do. This is what you do. You got to get the no, no pro. It comes with 100% 60 day money back guarantee. And when you purchase it, you get a $50 gift card at an award winning skincare line. Go to nonoemily.com that's nonoemily.com.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can. You can do a lot of things in Sex with me dot com. First thing you should do is sign up for my mailing list because I don't want to brag, but I give good email. I've been told you get an email like once a week from me and I'm giving you information that will help you improve your sex life and your relationship. And it's not spammy or weird and I won't say your name. And also my podcast easily subscribe to them on itunes. I've got hundreds of them up there. Thousands that I'll be post that are coming up soon. Thousands in the vault that will be revealed soon. Also. Yeah, if you subscribe, you never miss a Sex with Emily show again because we've got two a week. So thanks everyone for joining me today. And I'm really excited because I'm actually, I'm not at the Loveline studio. I am at the CatalystCon conference which is in Los Angeles. And CatalystCon is a conference creation created to inspire exceptional conversations about sexuality. I'm excited because I don't even have to talk during the show because I've got some amazing experts here. You know, I. Well, talk, can't help it. But I love my guests today because they really are going to bring up some topics that we haven't talked a lot about lately. And they are total pros. And this conference actually is. Their mission is to reach out, stimulate attendees to create important conversations within communities and change this course, except acceptance of sexuality within society. So this is going to be an amazing weekend and I chose two people that I really, really want to talk to for a while that happen to be here. And I'm so glad. And my first guest is Dr. Hernando Chavez. Hernando, welcome to the Sex with Emily show at long last.

Thank you. I'm excited to be here and I'm happy we finally got a chance to get together and talk about sex.

Really, I mean, it's been so long we've been talking, whatever. I'm so impressed by you and everything you've done. And I love that you are an actual sex therapist, that you see patients, you help a lot of men. And I always talk about, you know, a lot of times I hear from my listeners and, you know, I say maybe you guys should go some sex counseling or seek sex therapist. But it's been a while since I've actually had someone on the show that can explain what exactly it is like, who are your clients?

For example, you know, sex therapy is different from traditional therapy because we do have a specialization and we work specifically with sexual concerns, kink, erotica, erotic minorities. What we do in sex therapy is essentially focus on what your sexual concerns are. And typically you'll find that there are other adjacent issues going on, depression, anxiety and such. So you still have the training of being a therapist to work with these mood disorders and other mental health difficulties. But then you've also got this comfort and knowledge with their specific lifestyle or sexual minority experiences. So it's a really wonderful way for people to work on these things that oftentimes in society we don't talk about who talks to their doctor about.

Nobody does.

Nobody does. I mean, it's amazing to me how, you know, how many emails I get and when I do Loveline every week and people are calling with these, you know, deeply, deeply personal, scary questions they have. And we're always like, you know, doctor, do can you talk to your doctor? Oh, no, I can't talk to my dad. Can't talk to anybody. People just don't know how to talk about sex and know who to go to.

Yeah, and we don't.

How do you.

We don't have a space in the society for us to find a professional. You know, there was a research study that Talked to about 300 plus different medical schools and asked, how much sexuality education do you have in your med school programs? And on average it was 11 hours.

Total right out of there, like gazillion hours and 10 years of practice, of.

Course, and half of it was anatomy and sort of medical aspect. So they really don't get much sexological information about pleasure or about concerns. Typically, you'll find that if a doctor hears a sexual concern, they're going to search in their bag of medications to try to fix it.

Exactly. That's exactly what happened. And it's so interesting because I went to see a therapist once and it was with a boyfriend of mine. And we went. It was just a regular therapist. She was a couples therapist. And she said to me, and we were actually, at the time, there's a lot of issues, but of course we were having some sexual issues as well. She said, you know what, Emily? In my 30 years of doing this as a sex. As a couples therapist, I've never had one couple, not one couple in here that did not have some issue or some problem in their relationship relating to sex. And I just found that so interesting that, you know, and sometimes people are in therapy for so long and they don't even. Don't even talk about it. They don't even bring it up with their regular therapist because they. They don't talk about with each other. And it's not until I think, for the therapist to even bring it out in them. Like, I remember I had a close family member was in therapy long time, you know, with his wife.

And.

And I said, well, did you guys like, what about sex? Oh, no, we couldn't talk about that. I'm like, well, that's the main thing because you haven't had sex in 10 years, you know, but people, they just. It's like a disconnect because so many other things have gone on in the relationship and they're not thinking that it's the sex. When a lot of times the culprit is the sex. Then all these other things. I almost think it's the basis for a lot of issues.

You hear bullseye, which is communication. So many couples let sex be the elephant in the room. They avoid, they skirt around these issues. They try other ways to try to fix things. But it's really more about getting things out on the table and talking about them together. You know, there's so much permission giving, there's so much comfort and empathy we can get from having these communicative conversations with our partners about sex. And if we avoid them, often, it brings up anxieties within us. We start feeling inferior, insecure. And all of a sudden, these are recipes for not having a very fun sex life.

Right. I mean, I've been thinking it's so true because I. I always say that it's weird. Like couples, you know, they could. They eventually they, you know, develop intimacy and they can talk about anything, but it's the sex. They just can't break that barrier. And I often think they get into relationships and the sex, amazing. What's there to talk about? You know, we're having the best sex of life. We're going to marry a long life together, and then year and a half goes by, maybe, if you're lucky, two years, and then all of a sudden they're like, well, we can't really talk about it. So I always think, how can we get couples to start talking at the beginning? How can we get them to develop this so it's not the elephant in the room. So it's part of their conversation. When they're talking about money and bills and work and balance, they're also prioritizing their sex life.

You know, one of the things we don't do well in this culture is talking about sex early on in our childhoods and in our teen years because we avoid those subjects to speak about them on a more intellectual or educational level. You know, a lot of. Obviously a lot of kids and teens are talking about it, like, playfully and in their own sort of peer experiences, but they're not getting the information so that they can have these conversations as adults because, you know, talking about your sex life, talking about pleasure, talking about the concerns you have, it's a mature conversation. And we're not given those skills to have.

We're not even primed for it.

Not even prime for it.

But you're also, I want to say, first of all, Dr. Hernando Chavez, that is your website, correct? Yes. Okay, so. And this will all be on sexwithemily.com so they can find out more about you there. But you also teach. Can you talk about. You teach at a university, so you're talking to kids that you are giving them the education that they need.

Trying to. Yeah, it's almost like one child at a time. But I teach at a community college. It's the largest CC in the nation. It's called Orange Coast College. And I teach a Human Sexuality one class and Human Sexuality two class, which essentially, the first one is about information giving PowerPoint speakers, and the second class is about getting groups and processing our own sexual lives or histories. You know, talking about things like fantasies or masturbation or social taboos.

But start from the beginning, like day one of the class, day one. Your kids are how old? They're, like, between 18.

And they're out there, usually right out of high school. It's about 18 to 22, although we have occasional people that are in their 40s and 50s seeking out some information as well, which I love. First day, go over the syllabus. I want them to know what's coming up. You will see sexual information, pictures of sexuality, pictures of movies, videos on sexuality. We're going to see this, this, this and that. And I want them to be able to sign a form and say, I know what I'm getting into, right?

They're not going to sue you or go home. Well, it's not about suing, but they need to understand like. Like I always have people, right? So he will work for me. I'm like, if you want to work.

For me, are you okay?

Like, I'm interviewing interns. I'm like, are you okay with sexual materials? Because that's what we do here. So the kid, they come in and I would say, I mean, if it were me at the time and I was coming at 18, I'd have to say that my last sex education was like in seventh grade. And they talked. The last thing I. Only thing I remember, someone asked if you could have sex underwater. I think you said, fuck seventh grade. But that was it. That's all I had. I barely had any. So I think a lot of these kids are probably coming in starving for.

The information, starving for info. I mean, this past Friday class, you know, a girl raised her hand and said, I have a question, but I think it's stupid. And I said, there is no such.

Thing as a stupid question.

Let's talk about it. And she said, can a person get pregnant from pre come? And it's one of those classic questions that even if you and I may have heard this question over and over again, it's something that every generation is coming up and we have to ask ourselves why. Why haven't we been able to give this information that's so basic? Can precum get you pregnant? Well, calpers fluid itself is not with sperm. However, there's leftover sperm from previous ejaculations inside of the urethral tract that calpers fluid. The precum can actually pick up and sort of expel out into the vagina.

So the answer is yes.

It depends on how you look at it. Precum can get you pregnant because it can pick up leftover sperm inside the penis. But the calpers fluid itself is not filled with sperm. Sperm itself.

Right.

Okay. So it can just like. Yeah, right. But it's not. So that's. So okay, so what are some other typical questions? Like the first question, do you think that you get asked by like, the student. I just find this fascinating because I know that they've probably never been in a forum with someone like you. That's comfortable. Makes them comfortable. It's disarming. I'm sure you're very relatable, professor, and you can sit and talk to them, but I, you know what comes up.

It's funny because I come to class in flip flops and boards.

I love it.

See, that's what they want. They don't want.

I want to dress like them so I can more approachable.

Absolutely.

Maybe here at a conference. I'm going to tie, but I know.

Look at you. You look amazing. My next has kind of Dr. Ava Cadell, actually. She trusts you today. Not in that way, I don't know for sure. But she gives me a lot of.

Advice and a lot of direction. And one of them is on how.

To be a man.

A better sex.

Well, that's funny too that you said that. Because I think that if men were a little more open to just suggestion and just a bit of influence from let's say one women or friends or partners, family, I think we can do a lot better and really improve on things like relationships and sex and so on.

We also mean insecurities. I think a lot of times when men and women get feedback or help, they just automatically, they can't hear it anymore because if something's wrong with them and it's already, you know, affecting their own self esteem issues they might have already had.

It's really interesting, like perfect timing that you brought up insecurities and also self esteem because that's one of the main foundations and fuels for a lot of these student questions that I'm getting college. What oftentimes I see is that the more technical questions they'll ask in class and then when it's more personal, they wait till after class.

You must have a long line after class. You never get home.

I'll actually say who has a quick question or who has a question about the class. You know, something about an assignment. And then I'll weed out those questions first, answer them. And then there's usually four or five kids every week that have a question about themselves. I ask them one person at a time. Let's want a little privacy. That's what different side of the room. And you typically get questions like, I'm a guy and I'm only 20 years old and I can't get an erection. What's going on?

Or I'm a woman and I can't get a. Let's start with that, what do you say to them? Well, I just start asking, are you buying any meds? Are you taking drugs?

Some of the classic questions that we would ask. But a lot of times I find that it's about performance anxiety. They're scared shitless about being sexual. And where do you get these insecurities? And when you start asking questions about where they come from, it's about not having a sex ed. It's about having some previous experiences that created anxiety within them. It's about watching porn and saying, oh my God, I've got to have a 12 inch cock and mine is half that size. What's going on here? And when. And when they start getting the information that maybe that 6 inch penis or 5 inch penis is actually the average and that's what most men have.

They have like penis dysmorphia on that. Now I feel, I really believe it to be like in the DSMR now because I feel like the porn has made men, women, women insecure. Men are like, you know, I know guys, personal friends that I've seen their penises or maybe been, you know, a little more active with their penises. And they're like, it's a friendly show. They're like, it's whatever. But I'm not naming names, but I'm like, your penis is fine. They're like, no, I don't think it is. I, it's not. I'm like, it's totally fine. You're pen. But quarantine guys think they have to have like, you know, like we were saying like coke bottles.

Right.

This would be like a cocaine.

Yeah.

I mean, and they're like, they then they feel like, yeah, they can't perform and what they're seeing and obviously see that porn, while it might be very entertaining for them in a release, not technically where they should be learning have sex and how to engage the woman and feed the woman.

Exactly. And watching, you know, porn, which I think is an incredible experience. I think porn can teach us a lot about, you know, adventures and fantasies and, you know, sexual prowess. And I think it can be wonderful. But if we can also approach it in a way that, you know, we look at this as fun and fantasy rather than reality because these are, you know, in regards to penis size. You know, if men are trying to compare themselves to that paradigm that they're seeing on the video, they're setting themselves up for failure. You know, they don't realize that there are 15 hour a day shoots and there's editing and there's all These, you know, prep that goes into anal sex and so on, and they think that you just kind of stick it in there and it's supposed to all we.

Talk about anal sex. I'm glad you brought that up. Sure. Okay. Because this is my big issue with anal sex that I think that so many women, and I'm just gonna say, like heterosexual couples, because this is what I hear from a lot that they have, they're like, I'm out. I'm never doing anal again. Because they have a lot of really bad first time experiences where no one's prepped. Literally no lube guy puts it in. They're drunk, maybe they're at a party and. And they're terrified and it hurts and it's painful. And I think that, that so many women have had just bad experience in life. Well, don't write it off completely. You know, I try to educate, you know, people a lot about prepping for anal sex and about how to take it slow, obviously never be forced into it. But just. Because if you had a bad experience with something, do you get that from a lot of kids? You get a lot of anal sex questions a lot.

Because you see a lot of anal sex in videos. They want to, right?

They're like, oh, I just got, boom, go in and stop. She's gonna love it. Lube. There's no lube on. They're not showing the lube in the porn set.

So exactly.

Do you get a lot of questions?

Well, a lot of questions. They want to do it so quickly that I'll tell them, slow down. I want you to spend maybe four or five, you know, times with your partner where you do nothing but just touch the butt on the outside. Don't even go inside. And you make that promise to them that nothing's going in. You can touch the outside of the rainus, touch their butt, you know, massage them. But really make it so that they can reduce their anxiety. Because when you think of the anus, the anus itself has an internal and an external sphincter. The external sphincter we can all pucker and squeeze and have fun with. But the internal one we cannot control. It's controlled by our brain and the autonomic nervous system. So it's controlled by anxiety reduction, by breathing, by feeling comfortable.

Gotta relax.

You gotta relax.

I tell the same thing. I'm like, spend a week just touching little lube around her, see if she's even open to it. Don't even put a finger in yet. Take time.

A lot of women also, you Know, because they're feeling like, why is this only one way? Why am I receiving it?

Let's talk about that.

Guys also have to be a little, I guess, embracing of the fact that she might say, well, if I'm gonna do it, then I want you to do it too as well. Kind of doing this together in a more kind of qualitative way.

So penetrate your man, is what you're saying.

Or at least touch him on the outside, at least kind of go together.

See if he's down with it as well. So what do you think? Do you hear college students? Do you guys come to me and say, I'm kind of curious about it? Do you hear that a lot? Or is it. Yeah, because obviously the stigma. A lot of men believe that it's that they're gay, or it means that, you know, that they just didn't ever like it. That's not that, you know, it's for exiting only, you know, whatever they say.

When I talk to people about, like.

This idea, it's prostate month. So if you're talking about male analysis.

Yeah, you know, what does gay mean? And you have to start breaking it down. You know, is gay behavioral? Does it mean that? Because if you think about gay behaviors, more gay men kiss than have anal sex. So is kissing means I'm gay, What if I'm kissing a woman? Does that make me homosexual? And you start breaking it down. Like, more gay men like oral sex than they do anal sex, so. Or penetrative anal sex.

I'm just saying, like, there's stereotypes of why men would want to explore this area. They could be very enjoyable for them.

Well, a lot of it is about stigma. It's about masculinity. A lot of it is about fear as well, too. You know, guys are scared. There's a lot of anxieties and fears and insecurities that men possess. Yet we mask with this masculinity and this idea that we have to know things and be sexperts and not show let them ever see a sweat. And the truth is, I believe men are just as fragile as women because we're human. And if we look at ourselves from that umbrella of a humanistic perspective, we're all scared. We're all kind of coming into sex with a desire to please ourselves, our partners.

It's so true. And that's the thing I learned when I started the show, like, 10 years ago. I thought, you know, I didn't realize when I was, you know, in college, 18, 19, I didn't realize how terrified Men were about sex and even about approaching women and talking to women. I just assumed, because the way we were brought up, socialized, is that guys are going to know. Guys are going to deliver me the orgasm. They're going to take care of me. They're going to know. And I think a lot of women get dismissed, disappointed, because they're with partners who aren't pleasing them or that we just. We give it all to you. And that's a lot of anxiety, because if you've never had sex before, you only look at partners. A lot of pressure on the men. And we really should be starting to communicate with each other even at a young age. And your first sexual experience is talking about what you like and learning each other's bodies. But my hat goes off to men. I didn't realize, and no one's telling me, that they're all freaking out as much as I might be freaking out outside the bedroom.

Freaking out. Imagine, let's say, there's probably a thousand men who come onto you and hit on you. But of those men, they probably were building themselves up. They were trying to fight their fears. They were scared. They didn't want to be rejected. They come up to you and, you know, whatever happens with that interaction, they're fumbling around in their minds, they're sweaty and so on. So there's a lot of anxiety that we don't express because there is a perception that confidence is what a man should be.

Exactly.

And if we're expressive and honest about the fact that, hey, I don't feel so confident about something that might deter, let's say, a woman from liking us or getting together with us or even in the bedroom, we have to kind of pretend or fake it so that we're confident in order to hide and mask some of those fears.

Right. And the thing is also that the men. Not only that, the thousands of men maybe have come on to me or 10, 20 in my life. What I never realized either was that. And again, this is that the men that I probably dated because I never approached men or asked them out. That wasn't, like, my thing, which I'm gonna. I'm working on. It's one of my goals this year. I always thought. I don't know. I just. I'm busy too. I'm like, oh, you like me? Okay, let's go out.

It's an incredible compliment if you ask out a guy.

I know.

That's the thing.

I've been trying. I just got interviewed by Women's Health last week, a long Article about women making the first move and asking men. And I'm like, yeah, absolutely, they should. And I never, you know, especially in college, I didn't do that. But what I also didn't realize was that there's these legions of men in the corner shuddering and not approaching me. Probably really, really nice guys. But the only guys that women probably date if they're not asking guys out, are the ones that have that confidence or that fake whatever the bravado is to come up to us and ask all these really nice guys that we could have dated that just didn't. Don't know how to talk, approach women. I mean, I hear from them every day. I get emails from them. And, you know, so we just don't know that. We don't know that. We're all suffering through the same thing.

Right, Right.

We're all just thinking, you know, sex is. Sex in our twenties can be such a bummer looking back at it. Which is why I try to educate people now about masturbation, which I'm sure you talk about a lot in your class as well, to get questions from.

A lot of questions. A lot of misinformation out there. If I masturbate too much, will it make me go limp and not get an erection later?

Let's talk about some of those myths that's important. Like, what do the students come in with, believing?

Well, in the old days, we had myths about, if I masturbate, will that cause insanity? Will that make hairy palms? Will I go blind? I mean, there's a lot of masturbation myths that we've had for centuries.

You don't go blind.

You don't go blind.

No.

So glad to hear that. But, you know, today, lately, my vision's been a little fuzzy.

Little fuzzy.

How's the wrist? The carpal tunnel?

That's the problem for life, you know, I have 300 vibrators in my house. Jesus, I'm busy. But, but so. So, yeah. So masturbation myths, you know, for a.

Lot of women, some of the myths that will come up is that it's dirty and that they don't want to get to know their vulva. You know, that's one of the assignments I have them do for extra credit, is to do a gentle exam. Look at your vulva, to look at your lips, to look at your clitoris, get to know your body, get to know your scent. You know, I encourage them to do things like, you know, know the baseline of your body so that if anything changes, you know, that you can seek out some medical attention. But also it's about pleasure and sexual comfort. You know, with masturbation, I find that a lot of women aren't aware that, especially in the college age group, that, you know, most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. So they're not even touching the clitoris. They're fingering or they're having penetration with a dildo or intercourse, and they're not realizing that there's this beautiful love button that can help you reach amazing, you know, heights of pleasure and ecstasy that they're avoiding or missing out on.

Absolutely. So I would think that. I mean, I wish someone told me. I didn't know about it either. Like, in college, I really. It never occurred to masturbate until I even got to college. And I was having sex and I was having orgasms. I'm like, what? You did what? You know? So I'm sure you get. A lot of women, too, are like, maybe they come in frustrated because they've never had an orgasm. And the first sign is, please meet your clitoris. Come back next week and tell me how it goes.

Sometimes Amir can be your best friend when it comes to sex therapy.

And just funny, they don't know. And during penetration, a lot of women don't have orgasms that way.

For a lot of people, too. I'll encourage them to journal, and this could be in class or in sex therapy. But I do have them write a weekly journal that they write about, and they turn in at the end of the semester. In therapy, I'll do homework assignments about processing some of your fears. I don't think we do enough of that. We don't look at ourselves and say, what am I doing? That is either creating obstacles in my life. What are the fears that I'm perpetuating? What's fueling some of the fears and anxieties? And we don't look at that right.

So what comes up, do you think, for a lot of them, just about that they're not going to perform, they're going to be rejected.

A lot of it comes down to I'm afraid they're not going to like me. And I'm going to do everything and anything I can to try to make them like me, Even if it doesn't feel authentic or real, and if it's a mask that we put on. We're just hoping that they're going to be together. Because think about inherently what humans want. They want to feel attachment and connection and love and security and safety. These are things that we have not yet had the Ability to have a real conversation, to tell a partner and say, I'm scared and you make me feel more safe.

Right, right. So what about your sex therapy clients? So what would you say is your typical client? It does.

Typical client. I usually have a 50, 50 split. Most often I'll have 50% of my clients are either sexual concerns, erection difficulties.

A lot of men. Right. And you also write for Ask Men. We got to mention that if you've been a writer for Ask Men, which I'm sure everyone knows Ask Men is, you've been writing there for years, right?

Yeah, I think it's about four.

Okay. And your articles are wonderful, popular. So men are coming in with the same erectile dysfunction penis, a lot of.

Early ejaculation, a lot of penis size difficulties. You know, I was reading this penis size article and it was so amazing that most men have. If you look at the bell curve, about 80% of men have like within the average range, plus or minus an inch. About five and a half inches is the average. And then there's 15% of men who have a little bit larger, a little bit smaller. And then when we looked at the satisfaction rates, only about 40% of men were sat. Were satisfied with the size of their penis. And then when you asked women, about 85% were satisfied.

This is the thing, we're not bummed out about it. So why are all these guys freaking out? We're flying the most.

The more we talk about, the more we realize, you know, a vaginal canal in its aroused state is going to be about 4 to 7 inches. An erect penis typically around 5 and a half to 6 inches. You know, so we're talking like, this is like the nature's way of putting two things together. They work very well. When it's an 11 inch penis, believe me, it's not always, you know, pleasurable.

Exactly. No, I hear from those people all the time. And guys like, man, they're so lucky. I'm like, no, you don't understand. Like the grass is always greener or longer on the other side. And you think, you think, you know, it's like, no, there's pain. Like I have women, you know, got men calling like, I can't have sex with anyone because I mean, it's like a coke can, you know, like 10 inch cocaine. Yeah. So yeah, they're all issues. So what are some of. So tell me about like, like a client that's come to you and then like they've left. Like, tell me about some of like, like a story like A but something's overcome by coming to see you, for example, or how the process went down.

Well, I'll talk about a client that I have now, which I think might relate to some of your listeners. He's. He struggled with premature ejaculation. He came to me and. 22 years old. 22 years old. Showed up quickly, would come quickly. So we tried something different because a lot of times in therapy, it's talk therapy. Obviously I have a license, I'm not able to do anything. You know, there's no touch in my session.

That's the thing I wanted to clarify too. So it's not like people are like, oh, is he still. Did you sleep with you? Well, that's a whole different thing.

You're not touching him. It's all talk, there's boundaries. But with this client, he wanted, rather than just typical start, stop, and the masturbation exercises, breathing exercises we would do, we incorporated a surrogate. And with that surrogate partner, they would do a lot of behavioral, whether it was touch, massage, kind of anxiety reduction to get him out of his nervous self. And we would work process in session and we'd go back and forth. One session with the surrogate, one session with myself. And within about two months he went from ejaculating his pants when a woman touched his leg, but not even getting the pants off, to having literally an oral sex session with a surrogate. That was about 45 minutes when they were doing these peaking exercises, an hour long sexual session. I mean he really. It was wonderful.

How old is ma'? Am?

He's about 22. He was at a college here in Los Angeles. And what I find is that, you know, there's only so much we can do with talk therapy and to have this behavioral experiential.

I always think of therapy.

Yeah, I mean, it's amazing to work in conjunction. I found to be so powerful. So I.

Would you be there if it was like he'd have a session with. I wouldn't be in a room, I.

Wouldn'T be in the room with them. They do their thing, they report back to me or both of them. But it's a really powerful thing because a lot of men, especially single men, if they want to work on their sexual concerns, sometimes we need someone to be sexual with.

And who is that person who I don't have all these issues attached with and I don't have the anxiety issue like me, that it's not an emotional thing, but it's more an educational thing.

You can't pick up A person at a bar and say, well, I'd like to do some start stop exercise, come.

Back to my place for a drink and some stop start my face.

It could take us a long massage to reduce my anxiety.

Exactly.

But with a professional you can talk about that. So there's a space and he's excited and eager and I think he's got to be set free and out in the wild.

That's great. You must feel good about that. Another man, Minuteman, off the market.

And for people with early ejaculation, we're talking anywhere from 25 to 30%. So about a quarter to a third of men experience this from their 20s all the way up into their 50s.

Yeah, it doesn't change, that's the thing. Unless you work on it. But some, I mean, having work with clients where not. No failure to you, but that they just. There's other factors going on that they just. It could be a biological, it could be something physical in their bodies. It can be, it is a lot of times psychological. But there's so many different.

You know, I send my clients to a urologist out here to get a physical physiological workup to make sure there's not any hormone issues that are going on, any vascular issues, whatnot. But then when I look at the psychology pieces, a lot of times for guys, it's about breakups, it's about first experiences, about being nervous and these repetitive sort of negative feedback loops they get into in their minds where they're replaying these bad experiences.

Yeah, they're like about to have sex and think this is going to be.

The same and they give up before they even start.

I think we all do that in different areas of our life, right? It's like the self fulfilling prophecy that we're. It's gonna be bad, it's gonna be bad, it's gonna be bad. And you don't even realize you're doing it.

And I find with women, they're also in their heads. You know, a lot of times for women, it's difficult for them to let go. For them to just allow their bodies to experience the pleasure and sort of succumb to the moment.

How do you teach? So you must hear from a lot of your women, your, your patients as well as students that they've never had an orgasm. That's common, very common. And obviously, I mean, we both know Tom, masturbate, figure out your own body. But what if still have you had women that were just like, oh, really big challenge that we're having hard time, can you tell me about a certain time maybe where they finally overcome it. But there was, because it's not going to work for everybody right away they're like, oh yeah, go hit the glitters for an hour and you're going to have mind blowing orgasms. It's a process and I think a lot of women give up or they think it just.

I tried it.

Yeah, I did that once. I masturbated for three days. It didn't work. I'm like, did you buy a toy? Did you this? No, no, I just tried. So what would happen?

Well, I think the mind, because the brain is our largest and sometimes most unused sex organization. And I really do feel that we have to look at what's psychologically creating barriers and obstacles for us. So for a lot of women, they're worried about body image. They're worried about what their partner is thinking in that moment. They're worried about if they're gonna.

He's thinking, oh my God, I hope I don't ejaculate all over you. Right? He's not thinking about your two pounds that you think that you gained in your ass. Right? Women, I mean, we all have our insecurities too. And she's not looking at your penis going, oh, exactly.

And sometimes the guy's like, oh, cool, she gained two pounds in our ass. It was more junk in the truck.

We're all in our heads during sex.

We're not always on the same page.

Right, exactly. A lot of people are in their heads. And that's really what is destroying what could otherwise be a very fulfilling sex life.

I find that breathing exercises, some meditations or slowing things down can really challenge and change our affect regulation in our bodies to make us more calmer and challenge that anxiety. You know, I tell clients, have you ever seen a brother's monk? And they'll say, yeah. What is their experience of. What do you think of that? Buddhist monks and they say, well, they're always kind of mellow and they meditate a lot. I said, do you think that a Buddhist monk would be anxious in bed? Don't you think they'd come in there with a lot of calmness, a surreal kind of experience? Can you be that person? And oftentimes I see with breathing exercises and whatnot, a lot of meditative breathing components. That stuff just calms people down.

In every area of your life, meditation, Even if it's 10 minutes a day, start with that slowing down breathing. Because we just don't now with our cell phones and the light, there's Just. There's just no time that we're ever quiet.

Right?

We're on our phones, we're on television. And it just. It helps. I mean, I've learned. I mean, you know how bad I need it. But I've always, you know, I've always tried to incorporate it in some way into it.

And I'll have clients say, or students even too. Like, I did it in traffic. I did my kegels and my breathing and traffic. I said, well, the Kegels are okay in traffic, but, you know, can you really kind of calm your mind and breathe and close your eyes in traffic?

You know, do my iPhone app Peggle count?

There you go. Yeah, I actually recommend that to the two my students.

You do good? No, it's awesome. Just because. Let's talk about Peggy exercises. Because I've actually had heard from more. It's for men and for women. But a lot of men, I mean, a lot of women, they just like, oh, the doctors always tell you, oh, you know, get your pedicles. You can do a traffic light. You can do when you're waiting in line and you're like, I'm not gonna remember. So it hasn't. My app has a daily reminder that pops up time for Just did weird in the show 11 Ferris Time for Coyote Camp. I was like, well, no time right now. I'll do them after. But it's good because it. No one remembers my voice, like, walks you through it, but still, like, they, you're right. You should be home. You should be breathing. You should be, you know. But if you can't wait in your car, that's cool too. But they do help. It can help with all these things that we're talking about, how women have stronger orgasms. Help men.

The same thing with the occurs with women, typically occurs with men. I mean, obviously it'll help with like the anal and the urinary incontinence, but it also will help with things like stronger, more powerful orgasms. Also being able to last longer, strengthening your erection because you're strengthening the ligaments and the vascular muscle all around the penis. And this is all something I know.

And it's like free. You can just do it. You don't have to buy anything or anything. Just do your freaking Kegels, people.

I have people go to their doctors and say, my doctor never recommended this. They wanted me to get on this medication to her incontinence.

And I said, or what about medication for premature ejaculation?

Right, right.

Speaking of which. Okay, big shout out we have to give a shout out to our sponsors right now who support the show. So thanks everyone for listening because they support our sponsors, you know, helps keep the show free. I'm not gonna charge you and just keep giving you great sex advice. So Promescent is, is something that we're talking about for, for premature ejaculation. It's the only FDA approved treatment but it's not only for men who suffer from like typical PA which is defined as I guess and I always say it's before you want to ejaculation but also if you just want to last longer. It's a quickly absorbing delay spray. Allows you to have the sex you want. You know about it and we've talked about you and I talked about this. That it really is, it really has helped, you know a lot of men. Thousands of urologists have recommended permecent again as the only FDA approved treatment regulations.

Yeah, I think it's a great addition.

To instead of like SSRIs antiopressins where it's like you're all these side effects. You're going to take a pill every day of your life so it can delay your ejaculation but then you call the other side effects. Taking a pill where this is like a short acting thing that can actually help you. So that's promescent.com P R O M E S E N T. Yeah, Love it. Okay, one more shout out. Talking about sex toys. Good Vibrations. You know how I love my toys. Good Vibrations goodvibes.com They carry all the best sex toy brands. You can get anything you want there. If you go to sex withelmy.com and you actually click on the Good Vibes banner. I have my store there. You can see all my favorite toys. I'm obsessed with the new. What's it called? The. This bullet from Levibe the Tenga. Have you seen it?

I asked.

Friggin powerful. Oh, I think they're the hustler service of the craziness. Okay, then you can get the magic wand which is the most powerful vibrator of all time. The Vibratex. I love the new Vibratex rabbit. If you have your old rabbit from 10 years ago, you should probably throw it away. They've updated it. Check it all out. Go to sexmelony.com, click on the Good Vibrations banner and use coupon code Gbemily20 for 20%. Anyway, so do you use toys?

I do lots of them.

Yeah, like what?

For partners or for myself as well too.

I want to hear about all of it.

All of it. This may seem a little strange to some people, but I think it's just being prepared. I'll have, like, a. Literally drawers full of new toys that if anybody wants to use them, we can just break them out and, you know, pop in a bag.

Anybody like to stop by, like, hey, anybody. Chips and dip and go into my goodie drawer.

There's a bowl on my living room table filled with toys. Take one.

There is one in my office. Have you been to my office with, like, it's crazy toys everywhere. People like, whoa. We have, like, this, like, Bible group next to my office. They love us.

Well, they could use those toys, huh?

Probably.

You know, I find with the toys, everyone's got their own different, you know, desires and what they like. But, you know, something that vibrates, just a small bullet can be great for a man, for testes, for playing with the penis. Just putting it on the front of your lip or the head of the penis and. Or even on the anus, and so there's. On the external portion. So, you know, we can use. We can kind of borrow toys for both men and women.

I know I would say vibrations are not just for women. Like, guys are like. Because I think guys are pleasantly surprised that, oh, this actually feels really good.

You know, putting a vibrator underneath, let's say, a partner's chin and then they're performing fellatio on you is a fantastic feeling. And, you know, there's all this variation.

And men can do it, too, when they're putting their tongue next to their mouth and they're.

Exactly. When you're going down on a vulva. You know, a Fleshlight. Great toy as well, too. Can both be fun and pleasurable. There's the Vibro that can vibrate and actually adds even more stimulation. So that could be fun. The prostate toys are the. And Narrows is the best on the market, so those are fun as well. And even just, you know, some of the stuff on the more kinky side, you know, bringing in something to just. I find, like, not everybody is into, let's say, like, you know, hardcore BDSM and bondage, but just getting a nice scarf or a tie.

Yeah.

And tying up a partner very gently can be so powerful and easy to do.

It's a great. Exactly. I love bondage tape.

Quick bondage.

Do you know, bondage tape? I'm obsessed with it. Like, it looks like electric and roll of, like, masking tape around electrical tape, basically, and just, like, plastic. You rip it off. I have it in my Bed. I have a straight too under my bed. But besides that, I also have the bondage tape because you can like travel with it. You strip, it's reusable and you just like tear it. You can tie anything up. You can wear it as clothing too. You can get a burning man, probably brass, whatever.

Underneath my mattress I have a sports sheets, bed bondage.

That's what I have too.

So you can pull it out if need be.

My housekeeper loves it. She comes in, she's like, all the things are all. I'm like, I meant to keep them underneath there. She leaves them out there. There's some perks for the job, lots of perks. Somebody need a new home because it's filled with sex toys. But do you recommend that to students and your patients if they can. Or toys all the time, you know.

Because a lot of men have insecurities about toys. They think that, you know, the vibrator is going to take away my sexual prowess. And I tell them, look, if you use a sex toy, it's going to be an extension of you. And when she goes off to talk to her friends about, you know, how quick the sex was and she had orgasms because of that vibration or vibrator on her clitoris, she's not going to tell her friends, my God, my vibrator gave me the best. I know.

And then we cuddled. No, he can't cuddle. The vibrator can't cuddle. Right?

My partner and my boyfriend were so great in bed. We had such a good time. And so you're going to get credit for this toy. It's an extension of you.

And that's what you try to teach them. It's your new best friend. Cuts on your time in half too. I don't. There's.

Why are we so against using technology for sexual pleasure? When we use a car to get to work, we use it.

I think it is changing, but there's still, I mean I like to think it's changing because, you know that study came out in New York Times a few years ago that was like 50% of all women have owned vibrator. Half those, 80% of those use it with their, their partners. And. But then I still in day to day life run into people like, oh God, no, I've never done that. I've never used vibrate. No, I would never. Wait, that's freaky. Like people that are like friends of mine, I'm like, how are we friends that you think that a vibrator is going to really take Over. She's going to be addicted to it. Like it's somebody. Heroin, drugs or something.

Yeah.

Freaking vibrator. Get over it. Yeah. Okay, so what? Okay, I want to talk. And we got to move on to our next guest, Dr. Ava Cadell, which I know you guys work closely together as well as on some exciting things that you guys are. Ava can tell us a little about your new series coming up. But I wanted to say, and I know you also write for S Men, so tell me, you were talking about earlier, your most popular article you wrote that, like, went crazy on there. What was that?

Oh, I'd say tough questions, actually. It was either the premature ejaculation article or the performance anxiety. Those are, like, top five on Google, which are related. And they're related. They're intertwined with each other. It seems like that's one of the biggest concerns that men have. I found that the performance anxiety fuels the erection concerns, the early ejaculation concerns. So I think if we just work a lot more on our communication, our internal anxieties get more sexual comfort, of course, more sex education, we'd be a lot better off, and there'd be, I think, less of a need for our sex therapy therapist. I want to be out of therapy.

Don't take it. I think people need sex therapy before they even need some of those other kinds of therapy. I mean, I think they need both. I think you got to work out your childhood stuff, but then once you do that. No, I think for a lot of individuals and couples, if they'll be in therapy for 20 years, they'll never talk about, you know, their sex life, and they don't know what else to go do. So they should check you out. It's drhernandochavez.com.

Yes.

And this will also be on. If you want to spell that link is actually lifestyle.

Sure. It's D R H E R N A N D O C H A V E s dot com.

And this will also be on me dot com.

And what about.

Do you Twitter, Facebook, anything you'd like people to find you?

Twitter and Instagram is hernandochavez okay?

Got it. Love you, Hernando. Thanks for being here. I'm so glad we finally did it. We finally did it. Finally. We finally had sex together with Emily. Wherever it is, I love it. Okay. Thanks, honey.

Thank you.

Okay, well, we'll bring up Dr. Ava Cadell.

Okay.

So excited. Such a great day. Dr. Ava Goodell is amazing. I've met her, actually, through Dr. Chavez here.

Ava Cadell is a loveologist. What is a loveologist? We're gonna find out. Exactly. She's also writing for Penthouse now and she. See, let's see, where is Ava Goodell? Clinical sexologist, sex counselor, hypnotherapist, loveologyuniversity.com, president of the American College of Sexologists International media therapist. She's been on ton of television shows. She's beautiful, she's amazing. She's the only other woman wearing five inch heels at the conference. I love her. You might want to sit here with the mic. And I'm so glad to have you here today. Thank you.

Hi.

Hi. How you doing? Catalyst Con. So far, you're involved with the conference as well, right?

I am. I'm actually sponsoring it through the American College of Sexologists International. So it's an international recognition organization. People like you, people in the field who are helping, you know, sexual health, sex toys, sex educators. So, yeah, we're recognizing and validating people who bring education and fun and entertainment.

I love it. Okay. Yeah, it's great. I just got here and I'm talking to you. I haven't even been out there, but I know a lot of the people here. It's going to be a great weekend. And next week I'm going to the international lingerie show in Las Vegas. If you are used to going to conferences, this one's actually next week. You'll be seeing all the pictures of sex toys. Now you're going to be talking to the real people here today, so that are actually changing lives and making big inroads in the fields of sex and sexuality. So how did you get involved? People always ask me that, but I love asking you, like, how did you get into this crazy sex world? Dr. Eva Cadell.

Well, my kingdom, adversity. I was actually raised by nuns. It's not a joke. Yes. And they taught me that sex was dirty and that touching yourself was a mortal sin. And they said that if I ever kissed a boy, babies would pop out of my mouth.

They really did. And this was just once. This was like, repeated. Yeah.

I mean, they were so sad.

You didn't have to hear someone like that once.

I'm so sad because no doubt they were taught that and they were really messed up. But the problem is that I grew up a very confused teenager. I had really horrible relationships. I didn't know the difference between love and sex. So I think it was my destiny to become a sexologist. And so I have the most pleasure out of mentoring students, teaching sexology. You know, I Have my Loveology University.

Yeah. So people can just sign up. So it's Dr. So it's Ava, Ava Cadell. C A D E L L dot com.

Right, right.

And so talking about Love Elegy University.

Well, it's my.

I want to go.

It's just my wealth of information that I want to share with the world because I think everybody should know positive information about love, romance, relationships and sex. And so it's sort of.

Does it start with. How does it start the.

Well, there's a program where you can actually get certified as a love coach. That's the ultimate program. But then there are little courses on oral sex, anal sex, group sex.

And they're video. Right, and they're videos and their slideshows.

Their videos, their ebooks. It's a combination of all kinds of.

You know, learning technology that is very smart. I think a lot of people definitely need that kind of help around all those areas. So. And also tell me what Penthouse value. Just. You're right near the writing at Penthouse. Writing a column.

Yeah, So I have a column, it's called Sex Academy. But I also have created courses for them and videos. And Dr. Hernando Chavez is my co host. I chose him as my co host for the video.

Good looking couple. I mean working relationship couple.

Well, he's, you know, he's really qualified. He's an mft, he's a professor, he's a therapist. And I wanted, I wanted a young, cool hotel guy who knows his stuff.

Should we say his. His email again in case any people listening.

And he's single.

He is single. Adorable.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

So we're gonna get you a date. Not that you need our help, but.

We'Re having so much fun. Again, educating and entertaining people who want to be great lovers, who want to have more confidence and we want to do something new and exciting.

Like.

I bet you didn't know that masturbation makes you smarter.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it does.

I hope so, because.

But I'll tell you how it grows.

That's what I keep telling everyone. I can't come and do it today. I'm just home masturbating. It's harder.

But now you can see it grows my. It grows your brain cells.

Absolutely.

Especially if you masturbate with your non prominent hand and if you do it in a different position, in a different place at a different time every time.

You mean every. Not every time you switch up your routine.

Exactly. Then your brain has to think differently. It's not just a pattern. So there and Even having sex in a different position with your partner grows.

Your brain cells get into ruts. We just have sex the same way over and over again. Do you hear from a lot of couples that are just, you know, trying to help couples who. I think Ped House series is helping couples who kind of want to expand and get out of their. Their sexual ruts?

Absolutely happens.

It does.

And it's so funny because I feel like every day I hear from people, it's like they wake up and they just found out, like, the world is in flat. Like, they're the first one. They're like, oh, my God, it's so weird. We. We were having amazing sex and then we moved in together. Some people are already married. We moved in together and now we've been living together. We just haven't had sex. Like, I don't know what happened. You know, it's like, okay, this is what happened. He was like, people freak out. It's like, no, this is. And they just need tools like that. So just understand that it's normal that you have to have a conversation about it. I always say communication is a lubrication. Talking about it.

And we said, I like that.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's very good.

No, totally. But so. So there are more educational, informal, and fun. And you guys are great to look at too, and you give good information on. So it's very rewarding. Yeah, I'm sure it is. I mean, because I just. I just. Earlier people just don't. They really don't know where to go for this information.

Right. We're just making it more accessible.

Can I go back to your. Your. Your being raised by nuns? Because I want to go back to that. Because there is so much about religion and sexual. That when we talk about sexual performance issues or anxiety that people have a lot of. Has to do with not just because they had a bad experience once, but upbringing and the messages that we get as children.

It's devastating.

Whether it's religion or parents or whatever it is. And how do you work with people? Because you had to get through that. I did.

Well, I'm also an asex certified sex counselor.

So not like every degree in the world. You're right. You can, like.

But a lot of women will come to see me who've never had an orgasm. And some of them have been, you know, programmed by religion to feel guilty and ashamed.

How do you program?

Well, I tell them that if God didn't want them to have an orgasm, she would not have given them a clitoris.

Right. With Eight dozen of it. Exactly.

And that does give them permission to touch themselves. And some women, of course, think that it's a man's job to give them an orgasm. And I say, absolutely not. You know, it's your responsibility to have pleasure, to fantasize about whoever you want, even if it's Brad Pitt. Doesn't matter.

Right.

We don't care because your partner is going to reap the benefits, and so are you.

Right.

So, you know, fantasy is a safe place. You don't have to reveal all of them.

Right. And doesn't mean that you want them to have one happen. You know, a lot of women want.

Sex with bad pit.

They do want sex with that one. They might want the sex with bad pip and whatever else crazy things to do or think about. And I'm creating no judgment. Whatever you think about it doesn't mean I think there's even shame about that. So they're just completely shut down to the process of opening up. These women who have never had orgasms, we're told that, you know, their eyebrows are gonna fall out if they have sex or they're gonna have a baby if they. What was it?

Kiss a boy?

I mean, really. I mean. And I know that, you know, a guy dated early on was grades in a really religious home, and he was always told that, yeah, you know, if you had sex with, she's gonna get pregnant. If you masturbate, she could even give her. I mean, just the craziest things. He's still. Not that he believed it, but he still had some. There were some issues, challenges.

They have this control over your sexuality when it's. Well, it's our second basic instinct after survival. And so if you try to repress that instinct, really bad things can happen to you and you can take them out, you know, and it can manifest in violence and just all kinds of negative.

Right. And you've been through it. So I'm just wondering, like, how you, like, what was your turning point? We kind of skipped that. But, like, when you realize, like, no, this. This isn't right where I was brought up, like, this messaging wasn't right. And how did you personally. Was it. Did you have a partner or did you have education?

I had nothing. I had no mentors. I had no family because I was an author. So it was really hard for me. I had to hit rock bottom and sort of not even want to live anymore. And then just pick myself up and say, okay, I have to educate myself. I just have to take responsibility for my own mental health.

Right? The most important thing you can do.

And so that's why I love helping other people to reach success and overcome their obstacles. Because I didn't have that.

That's right. Well, you're doing great work. So what would you say are the most common questions that you get asked? The most people that you work with are, you know. So most of you're doing your Loveology University, which is an online course. That's online.

I do see people in private practice. I write books and I travel around the world lecturing to Forbes 500 companies. And that's my favorite thing.

To Fortune 500 companies.

Yeah.

About sex.

About sex.

Okay, I love this. I am going to come with you and carry your luggage.

So last year we went to five cities in India, five cities in Australia. Next year I'm going to Africa during Valentine's to do a retreat.

What are you talking to these Fortune. Are you like, you know, don't bang your secretary in the conference room? Not a good idea.

I don't do that because their wives are there, but they're so busy making money that their relationships falter. So right now my biggest, most successful presentation is based on my new book. It's called Neuro Loveology.

Neurolabology.

So it's how to grow your brain cells, expand your sexuality and grow your relationship together rather than apart.

Is it like, based on like neuro. Like changing your neuro linguistic program or changing your. Your thoughts that you are associating with sex or with.

I mean, yes, it's Neurology, Sexology. It's combining the two. I'll give you my book.

Just give me your book. Okay, so you've written a lot of books.

I have, but this is my favorite one.

Okay. Where can people find it?

They can go to Amazon.com and it's endorsed by Dr. John Gray, man from Mars.

Yeah. Amazing.

So it must be good, right?

Yeah, it must be good. He wouldn't just endorse that, right?

Yeah, but basically I give people exercises.

Give me an example to connect.

So, I mean, there are some really cool exercises where they look into each other's eyes and they ask if they take a look into each other's soul and they tell each other what they see. So there's a lot of communication that they've never done before. And then we do also sensory exercises where they blindfold each other. And like, I'll tell the woman, you know, to be. I'll tell the man to blindfold the woman and then to touch her. To touch her arm or a hand and ask her how she wants to. To be touched. Because most men touch women the way they want women to touch them.

Exactly. It's like totally reversed.

Right. So again, that opens up communication, erotic communication.

And then we do sexual therapy book for couples to do together.

Right.

Like once a week, honey, we're gonna sit down and read chapter. Is that kind of how it is? Yeah. People are so busy.

Exercises in my book, so useful.

You take one. Yeah. I mean, because inside of maybe it's overwhelming or if they don't have time to go see a therapist because, you know, they can do it at home and they can be like, this is our night. This is when we're going to do one of these exercises. Or one a week or one a month even when, I mean, think about it, who does one? You know, because often we both of them. People who have gone years. We haven't had sex in years. We've never talked about it, but they just did one thing differently. How would you say do one thing different this month and this week? You never want to be like every day, do one thing differently, because that's just failure.

What's the most common question? The most common question is, how do you. We keep that in love feeling that passionate feeling that chemistry alive. And it is variety. Right now, I think on my website, I have a special ebook on 52 sizzling weeks of sex. And I say, take the Sex Weekly challenge. So once a week you do something totally different.

What would be one of those things?

Well, I mean, one of those things could just be, you know, a nipple orgasm. Have a nipple orgasm. A lot of people don't know how to do it. Yeah, but. So I give you inspiration.

Can everyone have a nipple orgasm?

Yes, everyone can have any kind of orgasm. If you think it, you can do it. So conceive it, believe it.

Because I always say it's the second most common type of orgasm. Like, I've never had one. I've never had one. So you walk them through it. So can you. Can you. What's your. How would you walk someone through having their first simple orgasm? Are they giving it themselves or their partners?

Well, it's nicer if someone else gives it to you.

But you could give it to me. Like scratching your own back.

Yeah, but I mean, you could do it. So you want to start out away from the nipple first and just, you know, stimulate the breast, preferably with a tongue. Let's face it, a tongue is nicer, more sensual, it's wet and warm than a finger.

Right, Right.

But then when you get my nipples.

Just got really excited about that. I can see that.

I know.

You should have a nipple or gown on the radio.

Wouldn't that be great? People been asking if orgasms in the radio forever. I'm like, that is not the image I'm looking for. They're like, you're so sexy. Only there's nothing about. You never talk about your sex life. Why aren't you having sex with anyone on the air? Maybe I. Maybe, you know, it's on the list.

It's on the list.

There you go, finding more ratings. Eventually. I'll just, you know, have it of her. Nano, come on, give me orgasm.

Good idea. So she does want me to give her.

Oh, no. I would love you to, actually. I was gonna feel so rejected. No, I. How about both? I actually initially thought the three of us were gonna be talking. No. We could take a nipple. Leave. No, I actually. You're so sad. Like, I actually was thinking about you, but I brought in Hernando. I thought the way you were talking about it was very sexy. So, anyway, so you go around the nipple, don't go. The clitoris. Don't go right for the clitoris, don't go right for the nipple.

Exactly. So you work your way there, caressing with, as I said, the tongue. Even use your hair on the breast. Hair is very sensual. And use your breath. You can use your warm breath and your cool breath around the nipple. And if you have ice, ice can be really sexy as well. Or a feather or a sex toy. So just vibration. Yeah. So 10 minutes of nipple foreplay, then get your fingers wet with some great lube. And then.

This is so underrated. I just. I don't know why there isn't a lube on every goddamn nightstand in America. That's my goal, actually.

I like that. Gold. Yeah.

Every night stand, be proud. Put your lube there. Makes everything, you know, better. People think, oh, dry discomfort. Anyway, okay, so lube is a nipple orgasm.

Yeah. Lube is silky sexy. So put lube on your fingers and then start dialing the nipple as if you were dialing a radio. So you don't.

Too hard.

No, no. Gently.

Always. I always tell men, go five times slower than you think you should be going at this moment.

That's good. That's very good. So in slow motion, so you dial it to the right at least 20 times. Then you dial it to the left, and then you start squeezing.

Do you start to hear Howard Stern or something? Unsettling. I hope not. Okay.

Then you start squeezing it between Your thumb and your two fingers. So you pull it up gently.

But again, see how beautiful she looks showing this right here? This is how you have a nipple organ. Yeah. I love it. Okay.

And then you lick it. So you pull and lick, pull and lick. And in fact, pretend you're licking a clitoris because it's very similar. It's similar, isn't it? And you'll feel the nipple getting erect. You'll feel the nipple growing. And so then you're going to be caressing and pulling and licking. So it's a little bit of multitasking. But also what I suggest is with the other hand, you can either stimulate the vulva or you can actually move your hand around near the heart and have a heart connection while you're creating a nipple orgasm. So it just depends what your intention is. Is it just to arouse or is it to create more intimacy? You can do either or you can do both.

Right. That's a great. I mean, people are always asking about the nipple orgasm.

And then you start sucking with your lips, not your teeth, but sucking.

No teeth. Right?

No teeth. Although some people like to be liberal.

Yeah, but don't, don't start with the teeth. Ever. With anything. Even with the penis. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

But if a partner says, bite me.

Hey, then go bite me. What are you gonna do? You gotta bite. You gotta bite. Okay, so we have got. We have to wrap up, but I would love you to come back on the show because there's a million other things we can talk about. But what else we covered? They should get your new book. They should check out Loveology University, but It's all at Ava P.

And then.

The Sex Academy is at sexacademy.com sexacademy.com.

And then Twitter, Facebook, social media.

Just talk to Ava.

Yes, it's out there. Okay, perfect. And good luck to you with your new. Your new Penthouse video series and everything. And I'd love to have you back on the show and see.

Thank you, Emily. It's been so fun having sex with you.

I know. Thank you. Yeah, just wait until the next nipple orgasm. So anyway, everyone, thanks for listening to the show. Also, you can, can check me out on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. It's all sex with Emily. On Wednesday. I do free chats on Instagram. So I answer all your questions 12:30 to 1:00, clock, Pacific Standard Time. It's ask me your questions. I will answer them in 140 characters or less. But actually prefer the answer right there. I love it. So thanks everyone, for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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