7 Dec 2025 · 60 min
In this episode of Sex with Emily, host Emily Morse opens with sponsor reads (TaxAct, Toyota) and announces her new daily SiriusXM radio slot. She then discusses lessons from short‑term relationships, emphasizing that "forever" isn’t required, self‑happiness is internal, and people don’t change unless they want to. Emily introduces the Reddit‑sourced "Kiven Method" for oral sex on vulvas, describing its side‑approach, clitoral‑steadying hand placement, windshield‑wiper tongue motion, and perineum/anal‑sphincter pressure, noting mixed user feedback. The show moves into live calls: Kelly (23, GA) seeks help with a high‑frequency sex life, mismatched anal interest, and communication during oral play; Emily guides her toward explicit consent, mutual masturbation, and in‑the‑moment direction. Sophia (24, Chicago) wonders about the right timing for cohabitation with a 10‑year‑older partner; Emily advises assessing communication, personal growth, and setting a personal readiness threshold. Ernesto (32, LA) and his wife want to start making amateur porn; Emily suggests webcam platforms, FetLife, local meet‑ups, and cautions about privacy and future breakup scenarios. Finally, Cameron (22, Canada) struggles with a partner’s sloppy kissing; Emily recommends playful, explicit feedback, reciprocal kissing practice, and slowing the pace. Throughout, Emily stresses open communication, consent, self‑knowledge, and playful experimentation.
Chapters
TaxAct knows filing taxes can be confusing, so we have live experts on hand who can help answer any questions you may have. Questions like, can I claim my SUV as my home office if I answer work emails in my car? If I adopted 12 dogs this year, can I list them as dependents? And am I doing this right or am I doing this very, very wrong? Our experts have the answers to those questions and many others. TaxAct. Let's get them over with. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and giving you some tips that you'll definitely want to try. Topics include the lessons you can learn from your shorter relationships, a new oral sex method that almost every vulva owner will love, ways to take your partner's kissing skills from drab to fab, how do you and your partner break into amateur porn, and how do you know if it's the right time to cohabitate? All this and more. Thanks for listening.
Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.
Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.
Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?
Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?
Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, it feels so good.
Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, and you can also find us on all social media. It's @sexwithemily everywhere. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, all those fun places. Before I get into this show where I'm taking your calls today, which is very exciting, I've got some sex in the news, I have a very special announcement for all of my listeners. I'm so excited to tell you that I have a new show coming out. It's actually Sex with Emily on SiriusXM radio, and it's gonna be 5 days a week. It's starting November 12th. It's on Starz Channel 109, and I'll be there every day, you guys. I will be there Monday through Friday 5 to 7 PM Pacific and 8 to 10 Eastern. And you guys can call in and just talk to me on the radio, even more sex talk. And I have to tell you guys what this means for me personally. First, let me tell you what it means for you. Nothing's gonna change except for you have more options to listen to Sex with Emily on the radio if you want. I'll still be doing podcasts and everything's gonna be great. On a personal note, I wanted to share with you that I love doing live radio. And that was really a dream of mine when I started this show like 13, 14 years ago. And I had a little taste of it. And then I just thought, ah, radio is dead. And I love podcasting and I'll keep going with it. And then this opportunity happened and I did a little test show in June here for 5 days and went really well. And so this is just, I don't know, I just want to share that it's a great dream. I loved speaking to people live. This is why I love these, these call shows. So here today, you know, we set up calls with you guys so we could still do that here. You can also call into SiriusXM. I'll be talking more about it, but I just wanna thank everyone for supporting the show and for being a part of this show for the last 13+ years, or even if it's only been 13 minutes, you know, however long you've been listening, everyone, all my listeners have helped me get to this point and supported the show so we can keep going this long and just keep expanding the audience. What I'm most excited about is that it's gonna reach so many more people now who actually might not listen to podcasts or they've got SiriusXM satellite in their car. So I'm just thrilled. So thank you all for sharing this with me. And of course, if you do have SiriusXM, some call in at those times. And I'll be telling you more about it soon. Okay, some sex in the news. Okay, so last night I was at this really cool event. I got invited by a friend of mine and it was at an art gallery and it was for about 20, 25 women. It was like a fundraiser, but it was also really cool art and women's empowerment and just cool chicks who are doing great things in LA. And we all had to go around and say what we did And of course, you know, when I said I have a show, Sex with Emily, it was great 'cause there was actually some women who were like, oh my God, I listen to your show. But what often happens is at these events afterwards, a lot of women came up to me and they just started asking me questions. And eventually it turned into, you know, a Sex with Emily little group sex session, which I actually love. I love these spontaneous, when women are like, oh my God, I've never had anyone to ask this question to. So there was one woman who came up to me and she said, I've got a question for you. And I think she's in her late 20s and she's raised Persian Jewish. And she said that, She's like, you know, I wanna have casual sex with men, but I was raised in this religion where, you know, it's just wrong to have casual sex and you should only be dating with the purpose of finding that person you're gonna marry. And she thought, isn't it mean, like if we all manifest or when we put out what we wanna receive, that it's actually not right for me to have sex with someone I know it's not gonna go anywhere. She really felt like that was something that was wrong and that would keep her from her goal of finding the one. And I was just like telling her that I think that, You know, and it's from her culture, her religion, her family. She said, you know, I have to tell you, I never really took the time to form my own opinion outside of what my family says and what my culture upbringing said. And I thought she said that so well, that she was so honest. Like, you know, I don't really know what I think because these are the messages that I've been told since I was a baby, you know? And so I just said to her that, you know, actually, I think it can actually really be healthy to have these shorter relationships in our life or relationships, or even just casual sex that you feel good about. That's consensual, especially for women. I think I used to be somewhat in her boat that I thought casual sex was more, or frivolous sex would more benefit my partner than me because I didn't know. First of all, I was like, I don't know how you have great sex with a person when you first meet them. But then also it seemed like, you know, there was just like more rules. I thought, well, maybe someone wouldn't respect you. This is when I was like, you know, in my early 20s, someone wouldn't respect you. And the point is I said to her, no, you actually can learn a lot from dating people. You know, having periods where you're going out with people you just met and maybe having some sex, like random sex, because I think that's random sex with a purpose of maybe understanding what you like and what you don't like. Like, you will find that husband one day, but it's just so great to have experience with others. Even if you practice communicating what you want in bed, I think they can be healthy for you to have shorter relationships. And just try not to have too many beliefs around exactly how you think relationships should go down and have all these really strict rules about finding love, because it's not really just about love. It's about finding who you are when you're in a relationship. And maybe it's love, maybe it's not. So I just think all these things are learning opportunities. And then I saw this article today, Lessons You Can Learn from Short-Term Relationships, and I thought it had some really good points. So it says, you know, when it comes to love and relationships, a lot of things seem to be learned the hard way. I actually think that we learn a lot from relationships, and it is hard, but some of the best work we do are in relationships. And so there's not really a right or wrong way to love, but it basically just says, you know, how you can learn from these shorter relationships. So forever doesn't exist is the first point. And I love this. I've heard this quote: people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I've had experiences with people, you know, whether I'm dating or not, that are really intense. Like maybe you meet them on a vacation or an airplane, and it's like for a moment, and you just think, wow, I know I met this person for a reason. And it kind of gives you this sense of every time we're with a person, we don't have to be thinking, what does this mean? Is it forever? Is it for another week? What about if it's just for the moment? And whatever you're going to be whatever the two of you are gonna create in that moment by meeting each other. So I just kind of like that, you know, forever doesn't have to exist. To think in a relationship that every time you go out with someone, you're sitting across them, maybe it's a first date and you're like, could I marry this person? Are they gonna be the one? Is it forever? I mean, I just think that we never really know what's gonna happen, right? There's a lot of other things that could happen. So I think it's okay to think of someone as Mr. or Mrs. Right Now instead of Mr. or Mrs. Right. Another point is no one can make you happy except for yourself. And I think that a lot of us kind of date with the notion that somebody is going to come in and they're going to fix our, you know, blues. They're going to make us feel so much happier all the time. But happiness is an inside job, and it's fully reliant actually on you. Like, no one's going to save you and make you suddenly happier. You're not like a half a person wandering around looking for your other half so you can become whole. So the thing about happiness is I think it's important to keep working on our own inner happiness and then, you know, make sure that you're with someone, you know, I think there's a lot to be said for you feel happier when you're with someone, you feel like the best version of yourself, rather than saying they are fully responsible for my happiness. Another point, which I think is great for all relationships to remember this, you guys, this is like the most, I mean, I hope everyone can just take this for a moment, especially if you're dating someone right now and it's new and you're, or you've even been together for a while and you're deciding, do I want to go to the next steps? Let me tell you this: you can't change others. People are not going to change unless they want to change. So whoever they were before they met you, they're still going to be that person. I think that a lot of us think, well, you know, it's okay, I'm going to stay with them, but they're, they're going to change. I'll get them to eat healthier or like the kind of movies I like or stop drinking or something. And this is something my mother told me too. There's a few things in here that I was like, these are some She didn't tell me a ton about relationships, but the little messages she did tell me are right, and that is that people don't change. And so just remember that you might even be at a place right now where you're finding yourself thinking, oh, I just hope these things change or I'll be able to change them. Remember, no one— just assume right now that the person you're with is pretty much who they are. Okay? So remember that, and you're not responsible for them changing. Always put yourself first. Now I know this might sound really selfish to you, but self-improvement, self-care, prioritizing your own needs is never selfish. Because the best thing we can do for any relationship is to improve ourselves. Because the better we are, the more we're working on ourselves, the better our relationship is. And I think that relationships can stagnate over time because we all lose interest in advancing ourselves and we just get comfortable with our partner. But I think the more we're on our path and we don't feel guilty or selfish for taking time for self-improvement courses, seeing our friends, learning something new, I think that we have to know that that's actually part of being human and doing that will actually make us better. Lovers and better partners. I'll enjoy that one, you guys. Hope you'll take a few things home. I love this one, you guys. It's a new method. Well, I don't know if it's new. It's a method for oral sex. It says it's a better way for oral. And you know, I just love hearing new oral tips and this one wasn't so hard to figure out. And I think that you might enjoy it if you're with a vulva owner. Okay. It's called the Kiven Method. And they said that it was on a recent Reddit thread. And that there's a lesser-known alternative oral sex method that they want to try out. Okay, so here it is, and remember, you guys, it's not going to work on everybody, but it's an exciting way of performing oral sex, and there have been some bold claims about its effectiveness. An orgasm in 3 minutes, and 60% of women with people with vaginas experience faster and more intense orgasms. Okay, you guys, I don't know about that one. But let's hear how you do it so you can try it. Try it at home, try it with your partner, see if it works. And the other thing I like about this is even if it doesn't work, you're probably going to find another method or another nerve ending or something that you might have missed before on the vulva because we know there are 8,000 of them. So here's the gist. Rather than coming in from between the legs, so your partner's lying on their back and you're kind of coming up between their legs, the giver comes in from the side. So meaning you're like sitting on your side, leaning over into their vulva. So basically you place your, you place the index finger and thumb on either side of the clitoris to raise and steady it. And remember, do this gently and use some lube. It's okay. You know, kissing and foreplay, all that stuff is important, but hopefully the clitoris is already a little aroused right now. And then instead of licking up and down on the vulva, you're going to go from side to side. Across the clitoral hood. So like windshield wiper tongue back and forth instead of up and down. So what they're saying is this, which makes sense, this helps to stimulate a wider area of the clitoris than conventional methods usually used. The positioning is— okay, so here's some other things about the positioning. It's best to approach over the thighs rather than underneath. So with the left hand, the giver needs to place the middle finger on the perineum. So, what we're saying is your right hand is stabilizing the clitoris, it's raising it up, and the left hand is going, the middle finger is on the perineum, which is that area between the vagina and the anus. And why you're doing that is because you want to feel for different muscle contractions. So, you could kind of tell if your partner's nearing orgasm. You can begin to concentrate on the head of the clitoris with the tongue. So, you're supposed to feel some contractions and then from your licking, and then that way it's like a little indicator that you could switch it up and just concentrate on the head. So basically, this theory is you're trying 3 different variations. You're going on the side, using a different hand position, and you're licking across the clitoral hood. So what I found interesting— yeah, they have one review in here. My wife found it unpleasant, but I found that gently pressing my finger against her anus, her anal sphincter, worked better than the perineum. So that's interesting. "And the key is to keep the pace and pressure consistent," which by the way is always really important during oral sex to kind of keep it consistent. Another person said that she came within 5 minutes of me finding the rhythm. It's usually 15 to 20 minutes. So I don't know, you guys. Let me know what you think. I just emailed this to my boyfriend, so I haven't even tried it yet. I'll let you know what happens. I actually would love to hear if you guys try this out. We could even post a link to it on the website or in the show notes so you can see what you think. Okay, guys. There's some oral sex, some relationship tips. Now we're gonna get into your calls. I'm so glad. I love call shows. We're gonna take a quick break. Shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them. And I'll be right back. It's Toyota Truck Month. Time to get a truck that works as hard as you do. Tacoma, Tundra, built for the worksite, ready for the trail, and packed with tech that makes every drive smarter. Available with 360-degree panoramic cameras for perfect visibility in tight spots, powered tailgate for easy loading, and a high-tech connected screen to keep you on the grid no matter where you are. All backed by the brand known for its legendary reliability. The rugged Toyota Tacoma and the full-size Tundra are built to handle it all. And right now, your local Toyota dealer has great financing and lease options available to qualified customers. Meaning there's no better time to test drive the Toyota truck you need. Find a great Toyota Truck Month deal today when you visit buyatoyota.com. That's buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places. Okay, we are back, and now we're gonna get into your calls. God, I love these shows. I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. So if you have a question you want answered on the show, just text Ask Emily EMILY, all one word, to 797979, or go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, and always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. So our next call is Kelly, 23, from Georgia. Her sex life has increased, there's some kinks that have started to appear, but she's not sexually satisfied. Hey Kelly.
Hi.
Hi, thanks so much for calling in. So tell me what's going on.
So it's kind of a lot. Um, so me and my boyfriend, who is 22, have been dating for like 2 years now. It started off kind of like— the sex life part of it started off kind of interesting just because he has some really bad past sexual experiences.
Okay.
Um, and that's been, you know, kind of something that we've been dealing with for a long time. But then we both moved to Florida recently and things have just been sort of— what's the word I'm looking for— um, out of the blue. Okay. Like, um, we, we have been having sex probably about 3 times a day, 2 times a day.
Okay.
Like, like too much. Like, not too— I don't know, it's just not typical for us. And then, um, On top of that, recently he's been really wanting to do anal, which is like, you know, something I'd totally be okay with trying, and I have tried with him since he's been interested in it. But I have also expressed to him that it really just doesn't do anything for me, right? Like, I mean, I like that it turned him on, and I like that that's something that we both share, that he's comfortable enough coming to me with that, but I just don't like it. Like, it hurts me, right? Okay. And so I've told him that, and I'm like, I just, you know, it's not it. I just feel like you're getting so much more out of this than I am.
Exactly. Yeah, no, I hear you.
And then it's so frustrating. And then the thing that kind of sent me to email you, it was when one night we were, you know, getting intimate in the bedroom, and then he was like, hey, can you just spit on my face? I was like, sure, you know, okay. But then I, I mean, I kid you not, Emily, I sat on his face for like 30 minutes and he was like, was only licking my butt like the whole time.
Right. Okay. Oh my God. So he didn't know probably where to lick you.
I guess.
He, yeah.
Okay.
Okay. So, so what you're saying is your sex life increased because you moved to, you moved to Florida and now it's 3 times a day, which is too much for you, or it would be okay if you were having pleasure. So basically he's, here's what I'm hearing. So tell me if this is right. So Kelly, I'm hearing that like you guys have been together For 2 years, sex has been good, and now it's more frequent. He's having more demands. He's speaking more about what he wants. And it sounds like you're, you know, you need to probably talk about more about what you want with him and figure out what that is. You're both having pleasure, right?
Yeah.
Because, okay, so, so that's correct. So tell me, have you talked to him about like what you actually want and what turns you on?
I guess not really. I guess I've really only kind of channeled the whole anal doesn't turn me on, right?
Okay, so that's it.
I've never had the conversation of like, this does, right?
No. Okay, so this is great though, because what a great opportunity. Because here's, here's what you have to understand is that you're both like early 20s, right? He's 22, you're 23, you've been together 2 years. You know, even if you guys have had partners in the past or a few, you just haven't had enough like years yet on the planet to even have this kind of experience yet. You might not know exactly what what you want, but the good news is this sounds like you have a willing partner who wants to experiment, and so it's on you now to kind of, you know, we can get to the anal in a minute because I get that, like, if you— it's not great just to start with anal, and if it's been painful in the past, you know, we'll get to that. But do you know— my first most important question, Kelly, is do you know what you do want? Like, do you know yet what, what does turn you on and what you're craving? And it's okay if you don't.
I don't know if I do. I mean, I know what works when it's happening, but I guess I'm not like— hey, he's so imaginative, you know? He's like, let's try this, because I've either seen it or I thought about it, and like, let's try it. But I guess I've never really been the one to think in my head, oh, I think maybe I would like that. Let me bring that to the table. I've always been like, oh, wow, it's happening, I like it. I don't know, I haven't really thought about it.
Right. Okay, so first of all, I was gonna say, it sounds like he watches a lot of porn because he's got all these ideas. He's like, sit on my face, you know? Like, all of a sudden you're like, okay, and then he's licking It can be a butt thing, but a lot of times it's an oral sex thing, right? Like, we want him to go down, you know, we want him to like lick your vulva and not your anus, right? And so that would have been— so with that, it's like, it sounds like he's just trying to see cool stuff that he's seen in porn. So what I like here is, you might not— how do you feel about porn?
I'm, you know, if you watch it, then I'm fine with it.
Oh, I'm okay with it. I'm okay with porn that turns you on. I'm not okay with any porn because, listen, most porn is created from the male gaze. So there's a guy, producer, director, who's like, this is what I think would be hot, right? Since Beginning of Time, and they set up scenarios that are mostly men's fantasies. It might not work for you. It might. You could try it out. But I think this just comes back down to your own masturbate. Do you masturbate?
Do I?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay. And you have— yeah, sure. Do you have orgasms? Do you use toys? And do you fantasize?
Yes.
Oh, awesome. Okay, so do you want to tell me what your top fan— this is great. We're so good here. So you have all the pieces. I'm just going to put them together for you. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you think about if you tell me when you masturbate, is there like one primary— usually we have like one or two things we go to that is like, you know, maybe you're making out with him or it's someone you've seen or an ex-boyfriend. Like, is there something you think about during sex that particularly gets you there?
Yeah, yeah, it's more like the situation of like, honestly, more of like a least expected sort of a thing. Like a, like you're at like a party or whatever and it just like happens almost not like publicly, but more like it's just like, I don't know, abrasive, sort of?
Okay, kind of like aggressive, like he take, yeah, like it surprises you and he takes you and like, can't control his urges and like, maybe it's a little aggressive but not really painful, but like he grabs you and takes you.
Not painful.
Right.
That's like the big thing, it's not like painful, it's also very like, I don't know, just more like one-on-one kind of a thing.
Right, okay, so I think the great thing is that you both wanna like really learn right now, 'cause I think your boyfriend does, he's just doing what he's imaginative because I'm gonna take a guess that he does watch a lot of porn and that's where a lot of it can come from. And maybe he masturbates a lot. Yeah. And he's got all these fantasies. So you're just gonna have to, if you want to catch up and start, so you could say to him like, I think this starts with a talk. Like just, and it could be reading erotica. It could be building on that one fantasy you said, like maybe next time you masturbate in your mind, you're like, okay, what party am I at? And what am I wearing? So the more specific you can get in your details about what feels good to you, then you can explain these scenarios to him. I think you gotta, outside the bedroom, you and your boyfriend need to start with like talking about it and just being like, hey, let's talk about, you know, maybe when you're out on the weekend or just let's talk about our sex life. Like let him know, like, I'm so, you know, it's fun that we're having all this sex, but I, you be honest. I mean, if I were you, I think there's a great time to see like, you know what, I realize I talked to Sex with Emily. You could say, talk to your friends, whatever feels good to you and say, I've just realized that I don't actually know. I know I'm saying no to anal, but, or no to these things, but I'm trying to figure it out. Can you help me? Or let's get into it together. And then you guys could go, Make it an adventure. Like you could go to a sex toy store and go shopping. You could find some porn that you like. You could read erotica together and exchange passages and just try to find those things, you know? And then I think with, if you masturbate, then you know what feels good. So for example, if you're sitting on his face for half hour, I want you, and I also feel there's part of you that feels like you can't move or you can't make those suggestions because maybe, you know, and I'm telling you, I was exactly like how you are. I had no idea what turned me on. I felt uncomfortable saying it to even partners I loved and I'd been with. I'm like, well, they know. And I wouldn't even know where to tell it. To move. But in that moment, like, you would know, like, maybe to move back so he could be licking your vulva, right, or your clitoris. So I think it's just a matter of having the confidence to do that. And once you talk to him and you just say, let's make it— I want to make it great too for me, and it's not that I don't want to have this pleasure. And because I think for anal too, typically starting with anal isn't great for a lot of women. You want to be turned on, you want to have orgasm first if you can, a clitoral orgasm, and then move to anal with his finger, like, if that feels good, and a bunch of lube. You can take it off the table for now, but a lot of women have had bad first-time anal, or a few times. So I think it goes back to, you guys have to communicate about this. He doesn't know this stuff. So here's the other thing, like, like, great lovers are not born, they're made. So you guys have to create this together, right? So he just doesn't know. So I think he's really excited this is happening, and I think you need to tell him what's important to you.
Okay. And so for when it's actually happening, like it gets into that anal play, like in the middle of that, in the middle of sex. Like, is there something that I can say during it? You know, I'm like a quick, like, no, no.
See, here's the other thing. You want to— unless you're in excruciating pain, you want to be like, no. But I think you could just scoot your legs back and say, try it here. Oh my God, it feels so good. Lick me here. Take your finger, point to your clitoris, your vulva, wherever you want it, your labia. And show him. Like, I would just in the moment— I think in your mind you might think he'll freak out or be like, stop, what are you doing? But he'll probably be like, great, I just want to lick you. I think this is hot for you to sit on my face. You know what I'm saying? So I think it's just in the moment directing him. And that's why I also always talk about mutual masturbation for a couple, so he can see exactly how you touch yourself when you masturbate. And this is all really hot. I think he'll find this sexy as well, because then he's gonna know he wants He wants to please you, you want to please him. You both want pleasure, you want the same things. So you just got to practice talking to him about it. Yeah, but I think it's great that you masturbate, that you know how to— what you're doing and you know what feels good. So it's just talking to him.
And here it's like typically really good. I mean, every time we have sex, like, it's 100% like tending to my needs, and I'm always orgasming, which is not great.
That's amazing.
Which is not Typical for my past experiences. Yeah. And it's, we've done well communicating that, but I think it's like also me during, during the act of being able to like steer him in the right direction. And I think that's what you— whenever I'm feeling like, oh, that doesn't feel good.
Yeah. Just tell him, say, babe, he could probably just tell you, just move. Say, let's try something else. And I think if you let him know and say, I've been thinking about this, cuz during sex, you know, I love your sex. I'm our sex life. I'm so attracted to you, but in the moment I'm just gonna start moving to what I want. Is that cool? Like if you'd like to pass it by him first, he'd be like, of course I would think. If he wants a please, you'd be like, please, please tell me what you want. So yeah, I think in the moment you could try either one. You could let him know or just do it. And I think you're gonna be pleasantly surprised that it's all cool, that it's gonna work out and you're gonna get your needs met. I feel good about this. Okay.
Yeah.
So just talk to him and move, make those moves. You deserve the pleasure and you're on your way. You're so close. You're so welcome, Kelly.
So close.
Okay. You're so close. It's all good. Communication.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Thank you, Kelly. Let me know what happens.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
All right.
Bye. Okay guys, it's just a little bit of communication here we need. I mean, it's true. I think that it can be really hard to let our partners know what we want for so many reasons. We're afraid we're gonna get rejected or it's gonna be the wrong timing. But really, if we know what feels good, I promise you our partners wanna please us. They wanna make us feel good. And if you find out your partner does it and doesn't care, what you want, then that's not your partner. Okay guys? So just remember to talk about it. And if you don't know, it's your job to figure it out. Okay, we have Sophia. She's 24 from Chicago and she wants to know, how do you know it's the right time or the right person to cohabitate? Hey Sophia, so good to talk to you.
Hello. Hello. Very good to talk to you. I'm very excited. I love your work and I'm very obsessed with your podcast for sure.
Oh good. I'm so glad. Thank you for listening. I'm glad it's been helpful. So tell me what's going on.
Okay, so I'm 24, Liz, as you said, and my boyfriend is 10 years older than me. We've, um, been together for about a year, and we had been talking about moving in together, but nothing really had happened quite yet. I was still unsure about it, and he recently moved out, and he just recently bought a house, and he really wants me to move in with him. Um, I do want to move in, but there's a couple of things that are holding me back, and I have a couple concerns. You know, I feel like I'm still in the process of finding myself personally and emotionally, and my career— I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. And, and then at the same time, at this, um, sometimes I don't feel completely heard in the relationship. So I'm like still going back and forth. Um, so is it normal to be going back and forth? Is that just a sign? Am I too young to settle down?
Yeah. You know, I think it's all the things. First of all, a year in is still pretty new. Like you're still learning how to communicate better to each other, know each other. So it's like, I would think that you're still not being heard is a big thing, right? That, that should sound like that's something, a pillar that you guys need to work on, like your communication and him hearing you and how he would know that you feel like he's heard you, like he's getting to know what that looks like. And so that's, that's important. But I think for you, okay, so you're 24 and he's 34. And I think you said it was your first relationship or serious relationship.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, I feel like, I mean, this is my people, you know, and you're, I mean, I'm from Michigan, you're in Chicago. I get it. It's like a different, people do settle down a little bit like sooner, but yeah, I get a sense sense that, you know, you mentioned your career and still figuring yourself out. That's true at 24. And the fact that you even know that is great, because some people at 24 are like, oh no, I've got this, I know myself. But you're right, you're still on a journey and still on a path. And so I would say be careful. Like, there's no need to move in right now. And I don't, I don't love if he's pressuring you to do it because it doesn't sound like to make you ready. You know, you could still be together.
He's definitely not pressuring me. He's telling me to take my time. It's just more that I'm concerned about wasting his time. And I've communicated this to him and I told him I don't want to be wasting your time. And he says that he's not in any rush or hurry, that he's willing to wait for me, but it's me just trying to figure out if I need to move in or like just focus on my career and not be in a relationship since I'm so young.
Right. Right. I mean, you know what, all those things, like I think that you don't know yet. So I think the thing is it's not so black and white. Like I don't think you should move in yet. That's my thing. I think you should move in when you know you're ready. When you know this is someone that you think you're gonna wanna have a long-term relationship with it and like spend the rest of it, like really know, cuz you've tried it out, you've traveled together, you've spent time together, you've, you know, had some more time. So I feel like you're not there yet. So I think you can just let him know that. But as far as your relationship going, it's not contingent upon you moving in with him, right? Like you could still stay with him and work on things. So that's the other option. So you could still kind of set yourself a timeline too, because, you know, think about like, like, what would you like to work on in your relationship? You said that you wanted to work on communicating better, having him listen, feeling heard. So I think like letting him know what that looks like to you. So maybe it's like, I want you to ask me about my big meeting I had the next day, because I told you about dinner last. Like, I want you to remember things, or I want you to ask me things, or just like let him know what that looks like. And so work on that. But I just think that, you know, I think it is really important in your 20s to figure out who you are, who your friends— like, what kind of job you want. Like, you shouldn't know yet. Like, it is— 20s are about figuring out your career because you haven't worked, had enough time to work yet, you know. So you figure it out. So I think you can do both. People are in relationships and they're having careers in life. So I think you can do it all. So I don't think that there's like a gun to your head. He's not pressuring you. But I think that, you know, these are all important things, and this is part of the learning process. But if you don't feel like there's progress being made, like 3 months from now it still seems like in the same place, you know, I think it's time to revisit it. So I think talking about what you want, how you'd like to feel closer to him, that you might need more time, I think is totally legit.
So you think that once I basically make progress and once I actually know, because that's what I was thinking, I don't think it's normal for me to go from one day thinking, yes, I'm totally ready for it. And we're in that position for us together and other days we're not. So that's really not normal then.
No, that's normal.
Wait a minute.
It's normal. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Yes. I think, listen, to think one day, oh my God, we're so in love and it's amazing. And then the next day he says something weird or doesn't remember something and you're like, oh, never, I need to end. You know, I think we all go through extremes. Like, you know, it's fine. Like that's, that's normal. I think to be undecided in a relationship, but here's the thing. What I want you to make sure of is that you're more decided than less. So at least over 60% of the time, let's say, right. You're more into it than not. But if it's a 50/50, like I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out every other day. Been going on for a while, then I might kind of take a look at that. So I might just, you know, just kind of write down some things and think about like pros and cons. Seems so silly, but like what is working, what isn't, rather than just keep going in a loop. Um, so yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I also want to make sure like he's really not giving you any pressure, you know. In a 10-year— it is, that's one thing. And also 10 years is a big age difference. I think 20 24 to 34. Now that things don't work out, but you're in different stages, right? Like, he's buying a house and you're figuring out your career. And so exactly, that's real too. I mean, I'm going to say something, that age difference is, you know, that works for people, but you're young, figuring it out. I think that there's nothing wrong with you right now. You're not doing anything wrong. We all fluctuate. We're never certainly sure until maybe we get— we decide to get married, and even then people aren't totally sure. So I think that the more you could work on getting your certainty level up up and less downswings is great. And maybe once you really get into it and start working on it, you'll realize that no, we're not compatible, or you might realize yes, we actually are and things are great. So I think there's a little more deeper work to do with him. Like, talk about those things that you think you can't talk about. I don't know what those are for you, but I think it's important to bring up your concerns because it's been a year and it's time, right? So if there's anything you're holding back on, yeah. You want to figure it out. You don't want to waste time.
It's been so helpful.
Oh good, you're so welcome. I said, yeah, I think that, um, you deserve to take the time to figure this out right now, and it's a good time to do it.
Yeah, you're completely right. Thank you so much for your help.
You're so welcome. Thank you for listening to the show and calling in, you guys. I think it's really interesting because I've been in relationships sometimes, you know, even sometimes now I'm like, oh God, he's driving me crazy, you know, but it doesn't mean that I want to end the relationship. So I think we have to all monitor it. Like, I think that's a really good thing to think about. Like if you are less enthralled with your partner than you are really into 'em, like if there's more things that are negative than positive and it's been going on for a while, well take a look at those things. And I think in my twenties, I used to, I know I did this in my twenties. I didn't really press issues. I kind of just would stay in things long time, like two years. And then I would spend half of the relationships trying to get out of it. 'Cause I didn't really know how to communicate. I didn't know what I wanted yet. And now I would tell myself and I would tell people now, like, Even if you don't know the right way to do it or what to say, it— just start asking those questions. Start like, like, look, having real conversations with your partner about what you want, what you need. It doesn't have to be perfect, but really start developing you, how you live in a relationship, what you want in a relationship, and trying to make it the most healthy, um, satisfying relationship you can. And I think that the more work that you do in relationships, really getting into the hard stuff and deep questions, your answers will come and you'll know whether or not the person's right for you. But you got to do this kind of work of deep, real communication, which always enhances intimacy and can certainly bring you closer together. Ernesto, 32, from Los Angeles. They're an open married couple and they want to start up in porn. Ernesto, tell me everything. Hi.
Hi, how are you?
I'm so good. I like this question. Tell me Tell me more.
Yes, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Um, well, lately we've been trying to spice things up, uh, me and my wife. We've been married for 3 years, and I am a photographer and a videographer, so I already have the equipment. And we were discussing things on how to make it, um, a little bit more spicy. So So we came with the idea of recording ourselves and putting it out there online, but we don't know how to start. We already have some videos, but only for ourselves. We don't know where to upload them. So yeah.
Yeah. Okay. So first of all, um, that's really cool. I mean, couples, like especially married couples, you guys are couples who are really in a deep committed relationship. I think making porn can be really hot, fun to watch. Like great way to spice it up. And actually just making it is hot, watching it's hot. So I think that's really cool. So I'm wondering though, what's your goal of this? Is it more like to continue to spice it up? Are you thinking this could be another career? Are you looking to make money? Are you looking to meet other people? Like, what's the goal?
Uh, well, the goal is not the money. We both have jobs. Um, yeah, we just want to meet, uh, people, and we want people to watch our videos.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Um, yeah, yeah.
All right. Well, there's a website that we found. Um, you could start on webcams as a couple. It's called webcamstartup.com/couples, and that page seemed to have a lot of really good resources for couples wanting to do it. I bet if you got on like FetLife, that would probably be a great place to start. It's a website called FetLife. I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but there's just There's all different kinds of kinky sex, you know, porn, things that people are doing. And then also you're here in Los Angeles, so I'm even wondering if there's like a Los Angeles pornography meetup or something. Like, if you just go to like meetup, I think it's like meetup.com, you could find people who are like-minded. So that's what I would say to get started. I don't really know, you know, I know Good Vibrations in San Francisco used to do a film fest every year and they were like, accepting films from couples and stuff like that, but the only thing I could find right now was that, was that site that might be good for you, webcamstartup.com/couples.
Yeah, that sounds super good. We tried webcamming maybe like very early in our relationship and then we stopped, but now yeah, we want definitely to, to do something like that.
Yeah, because I know you have movies, you have actually the film, so the thing about this though, it's It's called Webcam Startup, but it has, like, I think you could get to producing and selling videos. It looks like it has some other things in here that could lead you down another, that could lead you to other places.
Perfect, that's exactly what we were looking for.
Okay, yeah, I think if you just like look around and you see if the sites seem legit, you're going to find it. Craigslist too, to be honest. I know they took down a lot of the sex-related stuff, but You know, I would just start looking on places like that. If there's like a local sex toy store, you go in and talk to them. I mean, I think it's just an exploratory mission because the thing about this is you want to find people and reputable sites and people, you know, important people that you like working with. So I think it's just a matter of getting yourself out there, start talking to people that you trust, and kind of finding your way through it because each site or each place will lead you to the right path. Yeah, you'll get there.
That sounds great. Yeah, we're gonna check this site and Um, yeah, we're gonna start doing it.
I like it. Okay, I think that's hot. I do. I love it if it's working for you guys. Yeah. Okay, thanks for calling. Thanks, Ernesto.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, have a great day.
Bye.
You guys, I'm telling you, I think that for couples, you know, I'm not great with you sending some random naked photo to someone who didn't ask for it, and like unsolicited dick pics, and even for, you know, women sending your faces along. Like, I'm not cool with that. But if you're like in a committed relationship and you guys want porn or take sexy photos and you trust each other like I do, I think that can be a really hot way to spice it up because even the act of making it and the act of watching it. I didn't get into Ernesto about like what happens if he, you know, his boss finds out or his parents, if he's cool with that, but that is, you guys, of course, something to think about. What if it gets into alternate hands? You know, what if you guys break up? You should always be thinking about those things as well. But I'm all for things that spice you up, that spice up your relationship if you're both on the same page. We have Cameron, 22, from Canada, and she needs tips for communicating kissing and sexual needs. Hey Cameron!
Hi, how are you?
I'm so good. Tell me what's going on.
Yeah, so I met this guy the last week of summer, and about a week before actually I left to go back to school. That week we hung out 5 out of 7 days. And we waited till the last day that we hung out to have sex. But throughout that week when we went out on dates and hung out, I kind of noticed that he wasn't that great at kissing. He was a little sloppy. It was more open-mouth kissing, and he kind of kissed too fast, like he didn't give me an opportunity to kiss back.
Okay.
So at one point I actually turned away from him and he goes, why are you turning away? And I said, oh, like 'You don't have to kiss my bottom lip that hard.' And then he kind of switched it up and he fixed it.
Okay.
Um, and that last day we hung out, we had sex for the first time. Didn't really last too long, but it was fine. Um, so since I've been at school for 2 months, I've seen him one weekend in September, and then I went home for Thanksgiving and I saw him, and we fooled around And it was fine. I would keep giving him subtle pointers like, oh, try this instead of this. Or if he would try to initiate something and he started like rubbing me over my pants without really doing anything else first, I would jokingly say, don't start down there. And then he would kind of move somewhere else.
Right. Okay. Well, you're on the right track here. So yeah. So you like this guy, right? You want to keep seeing him? If we can work on this.
So it's just hard. Yeah. It's just hard when I'm at school and, uh, I don't know how to really ask for what I want.
No, I know this is the thing. So I'm going to help you with this so that I'm going to help you with him. And if he's not your guy, this is just great practice. What I'm going to teach you for anyone that you're with, cause I have to, cause you're, yeah, you're 22. He's 21. I just want to remind you and all the listeners, like you're not supposed to be, you don't know, like you guys are actually teaching each other at this point in life. Like, even if you're like, I heard he slept with 10 girls before me, that does not mean that he's a great lover, that he knows what he's doing, right? So it just takes time and communication, and you could have tons of lovers and still be a sloppy kisser, you know what I'm saying? So, so really, I would say it's great that you are able to give him feedback. And so what I would say to him though, instead of like, instead of the like, no, or don't do that, or try something else, I would let him know, like, if you could practice being like, you know what would feel great and like move his hand up to your breast maybe, right? Just for the touching part.
And then maybe, yeah.
And cuz here's what you have to remember. He wants to please you. He wants to have good sex with you. He just doesn't know, right? Through porn or whatever. He's like, you just rub the, you know, grab the crotch. And we're like, women are like, it's like sandpaper when we're not turned on. Right. We're like, no, don't do that. Yeah.
It's the hot.
So he just doesn't know yet. So just saying, oh God. Yeah. I'm so, I, let's just, you know, I was gonna say, go back to the kissing. So we gotta work on that too. But I think if you could just kind of redirect and say, I just wanna slow things down. Cause this is all this consensual thing too. Like when you move, you might think, oh no, what'd I do? But if you're like, I just wanna slow things down. Cause a lot of times that's what it is. I think, I think a lot of times young guys, they go really fast and you're just like, I wanna slow down.
Yeah.
You know, cause it's just, they're turned on and that's what they know and you rush to it. So I think it's just kind of like, let's just slow down. I'm enjoying just being with you right now and then directing it.
Yeah.
So the thing about the kisses are though, is that you know, a great practice for that is saying like, let's— I wanna like, I love kissing, is so important to me. Kissing's so fun. Like I love when we see each other every week, I wanna show you how I wanna be kissed. And then I want you to show me how you wanna be kissed. And then he might get that it's really different. Right. And then, and he probably will in that moment, you'll be like, oh, you like more tongue than I do. And then together you guys work on it. And I know that might seem like, Oh, it's awkward or fumbly, but that's actually one of these things that's really vulnerable but also really helps with intimacy. And I think you can fix this kissing thing in no time. I've done it.
It works. I've never thought of addressing it in that way, but it could also be playful.
Yes. Remember that sex talk is playful. Sex talk should be. Obviously, if you're in pain, wherever you are, you're like, stop, that hurts. But everything else, I think we want to keep it like, you know, let's just talk about it. Like, let's figure out what feels good to both of us, babe. Like, how hot when you're here and we're like together. Like, let's make this even more fun because we are so insecure that we're doing things wrong and that we're not pleasing our partners. That one little thing, like moving his hand and saying no— I'm not saying you did this, but he might think, oh God, I'm bad at sex, right? We all do that. So just to make it more like we're in this together, let's have the most fun possible makes it much lighter and easier to go after that way to make it work.
Okay, that's— that makes it really helpful because I was just so nervous about trying to constantly ask him for different things. But yeah, if I feel like if I make it more playful and just— yeah, it's a learning experience together, right?
Like together, and let him know. I mean, I love the honesty and just saying You know what you could say, you called into the show or you were listening, but you could just say like, I've been thinking about this and I, I really attracted to you. And I just, I just want you to know, like, I think it'd be fun if we work on this, you know? Yeah. Together. And I think he'll be down with that. Cuz he needs to learn too.
Yeah. Yeah. I agree. And, and he's always been really receptive to what I've said in, uh, before. So I think if I do bring something up like this again, he would be more or still open to listen. To work on it.
Good. So how open are you to be like making, you know, I would, you know, move your hand or, you know, or just do it. Like, I think, yeah, it sounds like he's being receptive. So it sounds like that just like a little change in your approach and then you'll both get what you want.
Okay, great. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.
Of course.
I feel like a lot of guys my age don't really know what they're doing.
No, I'm telling you, they do not. They do not. And girl, a lot of girls don't either. So it's your job in a way. This is why I'm saying it is, like he, he will be grateful for this. Like, like, yes, many guys in their head think they're great, but he needs this information and this education, you know, and it'll be great for you to practice. It's going to serve you for a lifetime, no matter what happens with him. So that's what I think.
Yeah, absolutely.
They need your help.
Okay.
Thanks, Cameron.
Thank you so much.
Of course. You're so welcome. Good luck. Have a great night.
Thank you. You too. Bye-bye.
I love that Cameron said this. I didn't say it, but I have said, you guys, I think this, people in your 20s, you guys, like younger guys, Girls, we don't know. We haven't had enough experience. You haven't been out there enough. And I think, I wish I knew all of this, you guys. That's why I'm here today. Cuz I don't want you to be like faking orgasms through your 20s or being in relationships that don't work for you or silently suffering through bad sex and not getting what you want. Like I did all that. And so I get it. Like you, you really don't know, you guys, like you don't. And just look at sex as like, it's okay that you don't know because the best way to learn is not by just going out and banging a bunch of people. It's about being with one person. Or, you know, that you can actually be honest with and talk about things and communicate and learn. We learn through in relationships where we feel like it's safe and we can trust someone and we can actually communicate without shame and without blame. So I think those are some great goals for people of all ages. We have Monica, she's 37 from Ohio, and she wants to know, why do men pay for an expensive first date and ask for a second but then ghost? Hey Monica, Hi, how are you? I'm so good. Thanks for calling in. So, so this is what's happening. Yeah, tell me what's going on there in Ohio.
Sure. Um, well, first I just want to say thank you for all of the work that you do. Um, it's really fantastic to have, um, you know, the voice of an educated, powerful woman, um, talk about body positivity and sex positivity. I think it just sends such a great message to young women.
So thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're so welcome. I love what I do.
So I've been divorced for about 5 years, um, and so have really kind of lived through this evolution of dating, um, where, you know, when I first started dating, it was like match.com was pretty much it and nobody ghosted and it was fine. Um, but within the last year, it's been really odd. Um, and I mean, it's like a problem-not-problem. Um, and if this is the trend, I'm okay with it, but, you know, I will have guys that will take me out on really expensive first dates, right? You know, we have a great time, and even on the date, you know, we'll either go to a couple of places and then they will set up actually a second date, which I sincerely appreciate. And then after that, you know, cancel the second date and just totally disappear. Okay. And it doesn't— it doesn't seem like, I guess, a really cost-effective way.
No, it's certainly not a great business plan. You're right. It's not a great way to manage their money. But my question is, how many times— I'm trying to get— I want to get to the bottom of this story, this thing that you've created. It's happened to you how many times?
Oh God, maybe 15.
15 times in the last 2 years?
Like in the last year.
Okay, 15 different guys. Are they all like— are there similarities? Can we kind of eke out a pattern here?
Not, um, like, not age, not really anything. Um, you know, in my age range typically will go from like 30, like low 30s to, um, you know, low 50s. But yeah, there's not— and that's why I'm like, is this a— is this a thing? Um, are experiencing the same thing too.
Where are you in Ohio, if you don't mind saying? I'm from Michigan. I'm just curious.
Yeah, um, Northern Ohio.
Okay, so I'm just— is it a smaller town though that you're in, or is it not as many men there?
No, I'm in the city, so it's about like 20,000. Okay. I mean, there's— I mean, there's quite a few.
15 seems like a— like that— I thought you'd say like 3, and I was like, okay, well, it's happened with 3, but 15 is a lot.
It's a lot. And I'm like, if this is a thing, I'm, you know, I'm like, who do I call? You hear all the things.
Yeah, I hear all the things. And so I'm trying to get to the— but here's the thing, are you asking Are you paying for an expense? Are you saying, let's go to this dinner for, place for dinner? Or are they saying like, let me take you to this fancy restaurant?
They are suggesting it.
So you feel like, okay. And these guys are saying, and your friends are saying the same thing's happening to them.
Same thing is happening to them.
I just don't, and do you like having, are you making out with them? Is there like any physical, do you have sex with them?
No. I'm pretty like, you know, I'm a slow mover, um, and really want to take my time. And especially after divorce, I'm probably a lot more cautious and a lot more cynical, um, than I was prior, right? So yeah, so it's not getting physical. And I'm like, well, maybe it's just I'm trying to put my best foot forward so they think they can get physical, or, you know, I don't know, right?
I mean, literally, I don't know 'Cause I was gonna be like, there's no way this is a pattern. Like, I understand it could feel like that. And maybe you should, you know, be asking for it, like looking if there's any common traits with these guys. And I just don't know how many guys do you take me on nice dates? I've gone on a lot of dates like this. It just seems like an interesting pattern to me. Are there any of them that you were like crazy about too? That you thought—
There's been a couple where I was disappointed and I was like, I really was looking forward to a next date and thought it would be fantastic, you know, to go out. And the other ones, And you know, like I said, I'm a fairly slow mover and just cautious and I think people reveal themselves over time. So you know, I wasn't upset about the ghosting thing and like the ghosting thing, I think at this point, sadly, so many of us are just kind of used to it. Yeah. It just happens. Yeah. It just happens whether it's like conflict avoidance or whatever the rationale is.
Exactly. I don't think it's about—
you know—
yeah. Keep going.
Yeah. So that's kind of there, but I think I'm a pretty great date, but I'm not sure I'm worth like a Banana Republic jacket.
No, they bought you, right? Exactly. Like that's the $150. No, you're right. So is there anything that you feel like on dates, like do you feel like sometimes you might hold back or do you feel like you're, and I don't think this is why they're ghosting. I'm just asking you in general, you've had a lot of time to date. Do you feel like you put yourself out there or are there things that you're more, is it more like you're asking questions and are you answering things about yourself? Are you letting your true self be seen?
I definitely don't put myself out there.
Okay, see, that's what I'm getting.
And have much more— and done so, um, far less, like, especially, like I said, since the divorce, more recent time, far less.
Okay, like, because I feel like— yeah, because you're— because you're close. You have to learn how to date again, you know. You're going through divorce and you have kids No kids. No kids. Okay, you're going through divorce. Yeah, I mean, just being out of it and dating again. So what do you think is holding you back from actually putting yourself out there and being—
Oh, I think all— I mean, all kinds of stuff. I think, um, you know, it's certainly a lot of issues with my family growing up, um, and there's some, some abandonment things there. Okay. You know, and definitely like obviously like going through, through divorce. And I think when I first started dating after you've been through a marriage that's really difficult, you know, you're excited to date, you know, so you just kind of jump in really fast. And it just was, you know, the bottom was falling out, the bottom was falling out, right? That kept happening. Like I said, I think people reveal themselves over time. So, you know, with age and a little bit of experience, I've certainly gotten cautious, probably a little too much so. And it's tough to know where that really happy medium is, right?
Well, I think— okay, so in listening to you, I feel like you just might need to get off the apps for now and not do like the dates as much as like, do you go out with friends and do you go to different events and do you meet people when you're out in the world?
I don't go out a ton because I work so much. Okay. And so the benefit of like the apps, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them. You know, I like them for the convenience, but also I feel like they take away a bit of our humanity.
Yeah, no, it's not. It's just that I want you to have some different kind of experience where you're meeting someone in person and you actually already know them or you like them or someone introduced you. And so it's not this like date, like this big, you know, expensive dinner. Cuz I think like I, I just wanna change the way you're approaching it. And this is kind of an outside in thing cuz I think there might be some therapy or some inside out things that need to happen for you if you haven't processed the divorce yet. And if you're telling me that you're still holding back, from things. I feel like therapy would help you figure out what that is and what— I mean, you might know why it's hard for you to be vulnerable and why it's hard for you to open up from childhood and from your marriage, but nonetheless, it's still important to learn how to do it and why it happened. But I also want you to maybe change your approach to dating. So if you still go on the apps, totally understand they're convenient. Maybe you just say no dinners, like, I'm gonna meet you for coffee, or I'm gonna meet you for one drink, so they can't pull out all the stops and do all the things or the dinners. And it's like a real conversation somewhere where you can't be distracted by bells and whistles and horses drawn carriage or whatever they're doing or flying you somewhere, you know? So I just want like a different, like you take control and you take the initiative and maybe you follow up with them or you let 'em know that this has happened to you and I don't want this. I don't know. Like, I just think that there's ways that you could be more yourself. Yeah. And that you're gonna get, you're gonna be like, oh, this actually didn't feel so bad. Most times when we start to do it and we put our little toe in being vulnerable, you're like, oh, that wasn't bad. I survived. It felt good. So I think changing the way you show up is important too.
Well, and under, you know, I understand, and that's, and it's, you know, interesting you say that because I understand all of my whys and just knowing, I don't even know really the first step of how to even move, move past them. And it feels like because they're, a lot of this environment is so impersonal, it's not really welcome for trying to kind of develop at least those, those skills or those interactions, or even knowing like how to step forward when you're encountering other people who maybe are also not, you know, super comfortable with emotional intimacy.
Right, right. Like a lot of people aren't, right? Like most people aren't. How about your girlfriends?
Friends?
Do you have close friends?
Um, as far as— yes, yes, quite a few. And yeah, we've got— they're amazing and, um, have been such a good, good support. And but like I said, they have a lot of very similar experiences, and so I'm like, I don't know if it's— and so for a while I was like, maybe it's just— maybe it's me and this is just the thing. But then, you know, when they all were having these experiences, I'm like, all right, well, maybe It's not all right.
Maybe it's just maybe where you live. Is it more conservative? Are people more closed off? Are people more like, you know, not as open?
Maybe it's a pretty, it's a pretty, um, mixed bag here. So like within the city, um, people are pretty liberal.
Right.
Okay. And pretty open. But then, you know, like any, anywhere else when you go out into the suburbs, it can be fairly conservative.
Right.
Okay.
Yeah, I get it. I think, you know, I think that there's really like nothing wrong with this situation. I feel like it's like different approaches cuz you sound amazing and smart, intelligent, like these guys, you, you're going out on 15, even the fact that you've gone out with 15 dates that ghosted, I'm sure you've probably been on dozens and dozens and dozens of dates, which is great. So you're obviously like someone who's got your stuff together, but I want, I'm just thinking that there has to be a little, you know, a little shift here. And I do think therapy would be good if you know all the whys.
Okay.
Already they could give you that thing, those little steps so you could feel safer kind of saying things that you think you wouldn't say. Like even saying like, I've had a really interesting time dating. I'm not angry. I just find it fascinating. Have you ever called a woman and not asked her out again? Like, I just think that being more real about your things will kind of let them see who you really are. Yeah, the way you are with friends, you know?
Yeah. And I went, I went through, um, and it's— and this, this sounds so funny. So like, I went, um, and I did have a therapist a couple years ago when I really recognized I was having trouble. And she asked like, oh, what do you think, you know, your dates would think about you? I'm like, oh, I know, because I actually had Um, asked some of them what they thought, right?
Right.
After the first date. And, um, they said they felt like I was impossible to read.
Oh, okay. So maybe, and that it was just like, it seemed like I wasn't interested.
Oh, okay. And I know I said I was very interested.
And so that's really interesting. So like your body language, like it, maybe you're just more like, you're more restrained. Like you're more, you're not really letting yourself be open and vulnerable because, you know, you're afraid of getting hurt and showing your feelings. Right. So I think that is, I First of all, I wanna clap for you. I love that you asked that. That's really brave, you know? And so it sounds like they, 'cause, and also a lot of guys aren't great at reading signs from women. So if you're just shut down with it, and that might be a reason they don't feel a hook, they don't think that you like them. So, you know, a lot of ways to do is to let them know, like, I had a really good time, to make eye contact and say, this was really fun. That's not easy for me to say, but I just said it to you. You know, this, and just kind of play with it. Put yourself out there. You have said that's such a great place to start and say, you know, I've heard back from guys. They think I'm not interested. I want you to know this was actually a good date. And that is such a real thing to say to someone. So kind of using what you know and kind of pushing yourself to kind of go to the next level and see what happens. It's going to help you with everything you do. Cause I'll bet this is showing up elsewhere.
Yes. And it's just, and yeah, it's weird. Like I'm not, it's funny though. I'm not like this at work. But in my personal life, I just have a really difficult time navigating it.
Yeah, no, because it's different because it's so vulnerable and it's your heart. So I think just little things, just kind of practice doing something more, a little more vulnerable, a little more open on your dates, and you're going to see the whole world open up.
Okay, terrific.
I promise. Yeah. Okay. Well, good luck to you. Keep dating.
Thank you so much.
Keep up the spirit. You're so welcome. Have a great night. Thank you, Monica.
Thank you. You too. Bye-bye. Emily Morse.
It's interesting cuz when I first started talking to her, I'm like, okay, this is all in your head. You know, this can't be true, but it sounds like, you know, yeah, some people ghost. There's all this weird dating stuff that happens, but typically it has to do with us, not some weird pattern out there in the universe. And I think dating is so important in relationships. We do our best work actually with another person, even if it's dating or relationships, it's a good place to learn. So if you're out there dating, use it as a tool for self-discovery, self-expression, in and practice being that vulnerable, open person. You know, of course there's certain boundaries and certain things you don't need to let it all out, but say those things you might say with your girlfriend. Like, be— try to be yourself and be more comfortable as possible, because it will help you. Because people want to know who you are. They really do. They want to see you. It's an important skill to develop. And I think that most— I, I've been there. I can really relate to her. I think I used to be much more shut down, but the more I realize it, like, it actually It's better when you're more yourself, because then you don't have to pretend anything. You don't have to pretend to be someone else. I'm like always myself wherever I go, and I think that's really helpful for people too. You know, you can change where you are now and get to where you want to be. Okay guys, that was fun. Check me out on SiriusXM Radio. The channel is called Stars 109, and it's starting November 12th, 5 days a week, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM, for more sex talk. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna have some new segments. It's still called Sex with Emily. So if you're on a commute, live on the East Coast, it's 8 to 10. Call in. I'm really excited. Tell your friends if they're serious. So love that. And thank you everyone for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.