Addicted to Love (and Other Drugs)

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my. Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can check out all of our podcasts. Sign up for our mailing list, which you absolutely should, because I have to say not to toot my own horn. People actually love the emails I send. They read them. You know, you get a lot of emails. You're like, spam, don't want it. I'm sending you useful information and tips. So sign up on my website and you'll also get a report, the first five biggest mistakes you're making about if you're a man or woman. And you can also follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram at sexwithemily. And I am so excited about tonight's show. My guest. Well, as you know, I've had a lot of different types of guests on the show. I've had sex therapists and lots of porn stars lately. Phone sex operators, dating experts, relationship experts, and just some regular people, too. In fact, the show we just posted, which you have to listen to, was my intern sex toy review day show, which we're bringing back from years ago. It's always been a popular topic. My assistant and intern, we talked all about the G spot and the right sex toys to use. But tonight, my guest is Deanna Jordan. She's a relationship and addiction Expert for over 20 years and specializes in the maintenance of healthy relationships, how to build and maintain healthy relationships because, you know, we all want that. I know you email me about it every day through tough times. But also will help us identify those emotional vampires. You know, those people in our lives who suck the life out of us and how to get rid of them from our lives in a safe and healthy way. This can be a lover, someone you work with or family who doesn't have. Someone who's sucking the energy out of you. Right. We're going to talk about how to deal with that. An addiction, whether it's to love or sex or drugs or alcohol, affects almost everyone. Whether it's your partner, a co worker, family, friend. I mean, everyone's got someone in their life, but how do you deal with it? Can you maintain a good relationship with someone who's struggling with addiction or in recovery? From my experience, I used to date a series of stereotypical Irish Catholic alcoholics. They were fun.

You know, it sounds like fun, right?

They were so fun. I love them. Like a serial Irish Catholic alcoholic thing. Life of the party. They were romantic, you know, but eventually I realized that, you know, alcohol was their true love. There's nothing I could do about it.

The thing about substance abusers is they're so charming.

I know.

I know.

I loved them. I was like, it's okay. And then it's hard to face it. And you make excuses that it's temporary. And so my last guy, you'll get this. He was literally from Ireland, like, off the boat. And I thought, he can't help it. He's a lot of times culture.

I mean, I'm genetics.

I'm neurotic. Like, what's the difference, you know? But I, you know, have moved past that. And so tonight's show will help everyone, Whether you're dealing with an addiction. We'll talk about Deanna's rules for healthy relationships across the board. Okay. Plus, she thinks we should all wait 90 days before having sex with a new partner. And I'm almost convinced after reading what she thinks, why we should. All this and more on tonight's show. And we're gonna get to Diana in a minute. And, Deanna, you're welcome to chime in, but someone just dropped in. It happens to be my brother, Michael Morse, who's in town from Michigan.

Good evening, Emily.

He came to visit me in Los Angeles.

Yes, I did.

How you doing, Michael?

Glad to be here. Really glad to be.

Even though he won't talk about his sex life or relationship.

Right. We have some off limits. My lawyer sent over a contract, and I can't talk about my sex life in front of my baby sister.

Right, exactly. And you, you've never listened to the show?

I have never listened to your show, but I hear it's really great.

I've been doing it for eight years. 2,000 episodes.

Yeah, I'm sure it's great. But, you know, taking sex advice or listening to talk about dildos or taking it up.

I've tried to give you some too, you know, I think you'd like them.

You gave me a big pink one and I took it home and people walked in and it was on the counter.

The children.

Not the children.

That would have been some splaining. This was a big pink what?

Vibrator. What was it? It was probably the dolly vibrator. It was the rabbit habit from Vibratex.

It had a little chorus stimulator.

Yeah, exactly.

So how was that?

Good.

I actually. I didn't know what to do with it, so I put it, like, on my belly button. It didn't feel so good. I'm just kidding. We never opened it. I left on the counter and then once it. My decorator and her assistant was walking through the house. And right after that I just threw it away.

You did?

Yeah. I've never been with a woman who liked those things.

Oh, Jesus, Michael. We talk about this all the time on the show. You know why? Because you actually should. Because it can really, first of all, cuts down your time in half that you have to spend pleasing. That makes you feel better. And then a lot of men are afraid. They think it's gonna be, you know, replace them. First of all, they don't cuddle, they don't whisper sweet. Nothing's in your ear. But a lot of men like the vibrations as well. They like how it feels on their penis. And so I just think you should try it. And I'm gonna give you another one before you go home.

No. Yeah. Cause explain that to Cus to the security guards when they see the big deal.

Do you know how many times I've gone through security with hundreds of vibrators from Las Vegas? It's fine.

And what do they say to you?

They laugh.

They're like, oh, do they try to confiscate?

I give them.

No.

I give it to them. I'm like, do you want one? You know, they don't care. Okay, so I got a question for you, Michael. I think that my listeners would like to hear this because I do get asked all the time.

No matter who it is, dates, people I work with, friends, family, you know, Friggin. Someone I run into on the street who I don't even know. What the hell does your family think about what you do for a living?

We think you're all crazy. No, what do we think about it? You know, it's been so long that I don't think about it anymore.

Right.

He likes to stay in denial.

He's in denial about it. Yeah, I think so.

A little bit. I mean, it's humorous when people ask me, what does your sister do? You know, I know she went to the University of Michigan and she's got a great degree and now she's got this doctorate. So she's now a doctor. What is she doing with all this? And you know she's a sex expert. She's a what? You know she is sex expert. And so it's. What are you gonna say?

It's cool, but you like it. It's. You're down.

How do you feel when people ask you what I do?

You're a lawyer.

Boring.

Boring. Easy. One word answer.

Easy.

Boring.

Yeah, but you're. It was good that you're alert. I actually am very envious of you sometimes because my brother is very linear. He went to college, he went to your law. And he built this amazing law firm in Det. One of the largest personal injury firms.

And the largest.

The largest personal injury firm in Michigan.

Amazing.

And I'm very proud of him.

Yeah, but it would be much cooler if you were a sex lawyer.

Yeah, exactly, Michael. Then we could work together. We always wanted to.

What case would that be?

I'm not sure.

You could represent sex workers.

Yeah. You could do some good in the world.

So I could go to the.

And Anderson's here too. Anderson. There's so much going on tonight. Yes, I love Anderson. He's here helping out with the show.

Very nice. He helped me get some water earlier.

That was really nice of him.

Help him pee too.

You helped him pee? That's sweet.

I'll just shake a little bit.

That's sweet, Michael. So did you have any questions for me at all? Anything going on with your life that you'd like to talk about?

Any questions for you?

I don't know.

Any advice?

You need any advice? Is there any advice that you'd like to give me that you've learned in relationships or sex? Or sex?

Okay, definitely not sex.

Okay, how about relationships?

Stop dating guys named David.

There's only five in a row.

And stop dating Irish alcohol. Have you ever dated a Jewish guy? Why don't you date a Jewish guy?

I have the Davids. A few of them.

They were.

There was five in a row.

No, no, no. The alcoholics were years ago. I don't know.

A Jewish alcoholic. Do you?

Yeah, there are some.

But now I have a client who's a Jewish alcoholic. I was actually thinking I should set you up with him.

He's really cute sober now. He's right.

Yeah, but he's sober Jewish, but he's not.

The Irish was yellow Long, long time ago that I did that. So. But no, I have dated. And for some reason I moved to LA and like, I met five guys. Not that I dated them all, seriously, but they were all names, so there's like. My friends were like, which one? Wait, I'm like, okay, D3. D4. And then there was actually a D5. David.

She could just leave a message on her voicemail. This is Dave.

David, right. Don't call me, because they're actually all gone now.

So that's the next name gonna be. David's a nice Jewish name.

Yeah, it is. They were Jewish. They were nice guys.

Okay.

Yeah, I know you don't want to meet anyone. My family banned meeting men that I date unless I.

She used to bring them home. Okay? She used to bring them home. We'd have to like them. We'd have to introduce them to the kids. My kids. And then the kids would fall in love because they're kids. And then she goes back to California, says, yeah, we. I dumped him on the plane.

Here's the thing. It was three times in two years. No, I'm not sharing.

I'm not kidding. Okay, three times in how many years?

20.

Not 23. We cut you off about 10, 12 years ago.

Right? So three times in 10 years.

Three times in five or six years. She brought home people, my kids.

Then.

Then the next guy comes, I don't even remember any of their names. I'm not kidding. You and my kids are like, well, where's Adam? We're like, oh, Adam was the last boyfriend. This is Brian, you know, this is Uncle Brian. And they're. And the kids are like, they don't get it. And you're teaching them about. You're teaching them some issues that actually Emily had when she was a child, when our dad used to bring home different women every other week.

She's.

Oh, God, Michael. They were like four at the time and three. They don't remember. You're wrong. But you're right. Our parents did. We went through a lot. We each had three. You know, I attended four of my parents weddings when I was 25. And then my dad, we'd see him twice a week, and every time we went out with him, he would have a different woman, get a different woman with them.

And that is why Emily is a sex expert. Unmarried, without children.

Well, because. Michael, stop. The thing is, is that I think.

It'S through those issues.

What? So I've never wanted children or to get married, but I'm, you know, I'm a good person.

That is.

It probably has to do with the issues, but.

Okay, well, you just don't want to talk about my life too deep for you?

No, Michael, we taught me. I've been doing 2,000 episodes, and everyone's heard my story.

Oh, I apologize, audience, for repeating part of the story.

No. Okay. So anyway. No, but that's probably why I became. The reason why I started my show, actually, is because I've always been fascinated by relationships, because I didn't. I never saw a successful one. I didn't understand how they. How they worked. And so it really just started interviewing people about their sex lives or relationships. How does it work?

And trying to figure it out.

Yeah. I was like, I don't get it. Like, sex still, after all. How do you keep it interesting? How do you. How do you stay with one person? All that stuff. So then I, you know, I just started doing this as a podcast in my living room like, eight years ago. But then it became so cool. Yeah. But then I became, you know, that I got my doctorate and started learning. But in the beginning, I was just like, tell me everything because I want to know. So. Okay, thanks, Mikey. I'm. If you're welcome to pipe in and chat.

Okay. Nice chatting with you.

Yeah. Great. He's a guest. He's good. Okay.

So I just got really tense and awesome. That was good stuff.

Really? You like that? Anderson, do you have any more. Do you have any questions for my brother? Because he will tell you anything about me, if there's anything.

Yeah, I'll do it off air, though. I'll hit him up.

That's really kind of you, because he'll tell you anything. Okay, Deanna, so we said to your. You have your private practice now, right? You started your own center?

I did.

Okay, so tell me.

I started a center for drug and alcohol treatment, and then there was such a need for relationship addiction and love and sex addiction that we just kind of moved in that area. Right.

Okay. So it's called the new method wellness.comneth wellness is where people can find you. And so, I mean, I think that. Well, first of all, how did you get started working in addiction?

I got started working in addiction about 20 years ago, and a friend of mine opened a center and she said, can you come and teach a class? I just love the way you work with women because I did a lot of volunteer work and I said, yeah, I'd love to. I didn't even know it was a paying position. I just thought she wanted me to come help her at her center. And I loved it, and I just did really well. And so I went back to school and got my master's and now I'm working on my PhD.

Okay. Oh, good feel.

Yeah, it's a lot of work.

It is a lot of work to work and go to school and have the whole thing. You four kids?

I have four kids.

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Yeah, it's awesome.

I just never thought how I could do it all. That was another thing. I was like, I guess I'm just. My brain. That was like, work, work, work.

And, well, you got to be kind of obsessive and crazy to live this way. Like, you have to. It has to be almost your pathology.

Like, yeah, I am obsessive and crazy.

So am I, but.

But also, you've kids. That's a whole nother like, right thing. Okay.

So I like, I like, find places in my calendar. I'm like, okay, today we're gonna go swimming or whatever.

You have to. I mean, right. And are you married? Okay, good. It all worked out. That's great. Yeah. I'm always happy. I'm always happy when there's happily married couples. Really?

We just celebrated our ten year anniversary.

Congratulations.

Is this your first?

Second.

Okay, exactly.

That's. What do you mean, exactly? Michael's divorced.

You're talking about being happy now. She's happy on her second.

Right. I know a lot of people are happier. My brother did get divorced after 22 years.

I know very few happily married first timers.

Me too.

Unfortunately, that's true. And you know the rates like 50%.

And the second marriage is higher.

60.

And the third marriage, I don't know that statistic.

I didn't mention the part that my dad died when young, right after his third marriage. She might have killed him.

We don't know.

Just kidding. Not really. It was 20 years ago. She did not kill him. But whatever. So we saw that. And so I don't know about the third marriage, but my mom's happily. Her third marriage has been 30 years.

Yeah, I think a lot of people think like, okay, if I'm gonna Do this again. I really want to try harder. And, you know, I think a lot of people take their first marriage for. Take it for advantage.

Take advantage.

Yeah, they do take it for Grant.

And you don't know yourself well enough, too. I think people shouldn't get married before 30.

Right, right. I agree. People should.

I say that all the time. If you're like, what do you mean? But we're so in love. Like, love lying. Will call every night. But what?

Every divorced person I know, man says they're never getting married again. And there's a. Probably a high statistic of them who do.

Really? I agree. Yeah. Yeah, you say that, too.

I'm not getting married again. I'm on record right now. Are we being reported, Anderson?

We are being reported, Anderson. We're reporting the whole thing.

So, you know, somebody could come back and impeach me if I'm lying.

That's true. I would do that, actually. I would play this tape. I would play this. Emily. Emily.

At my wedding.

At your wedding?

At my second wedding, pull this out.

That'd be funny. You'd kill me.

Your speech. Yeah, that could be funny.

I give good speeches at your weddings.

She gave my speech at my first wedding.

Yeah, it was a good one.

Weddings, Weddings.

My brother's not getting married again. But if he does, because he just declared that he'll never get married again.

I heard all that. But you said. And then I heard him say that it would be his second.

Oh, no. I give two good speeches at my mom's weddings.

Okay.

You gave a speech and your wedding.

Yeah.

So it would be her dad's wedding. I've given a lot of family I've been to. I only thought only parents got married before I was 25. Like, I didn't know that other people got married. Okay, so. So, Deanna, so let's talk a little bit about love and sex addiction. I mean, also, we're going to talk about all kinds of addictions. But I find it so interesting that people. I feel like a lot of people could be love addicts.

Yeah.

They didn't even know it.

I think most people that struggle with substance. Substance abuse, there's love addiction underneath it. And I can't believe I'm gonna go on record saying that because it's so controversial in my industry.

Yeah, tell me.

But most. I'd say 99.9% of the people that come in and I do an assessment for their first checking into drug and alcohol treatment. Nine times out of 10, it's like the first thing they Go to is, well, this person broke up with me, or I'm going through a divorce or my spouse died or something, and that's what they're grieving, and that's why they started drinking, and then it became an issue.

So they weren't even drinking before. Right. So some of these.

Or taking pills.

Right. Nothing. Right. It's a lot. Are you seeing a lot more pills these days? I'm seeing so many pills I could do.

Like, this friend of mine told me she went to a pills anonymous meeting and they could hold it in a gym.

Oh, I'm sure it's just ridiculous. It's rampant.

So many people. And, you know, I don't know if you know that most of those pain pills and narcotics are pretty much equivalent to heroin.

Yeah, right, exactly.

So once they're addicted to painkillers, it's like getting somebody off heroin.

Right. They have to do serious detox. Serious wonder. I've heard the whole thing.

We do medical detox. Yeah.

Wow. And it's also. Would you say in the last. You've been in it for 20 years, the last 10 years, has it been become more prevalent?

10 years, it's gone crazy. And, you know, a lot of people call it hillbilly heroin because it's so, like, rampant down there. And what happens is, most people, heroin's a lot cheaper and it gets a lot higher. So most people switch from pills to heroin towards the end. They're like, start with the pills and then they go, wow, I just can't keep this up. It's too expensive, you know?

What's the most popular pill you hear about?

Oxygen? Oxycontin. Yeah, oxycontin.

I thought you would say Vicodin, but I didn't.

No, no.

Advil.

Maybe you are. So I want.

I could detox you for Advil.

Yeah. That'd be like five minutes with Emily's dildo. Yeah, exactly. Oh, we're gonna give you a dildo tonight too, Michael. So here, take some of this. So wait. Okay, so I was gonna ask you. So love addiction. How do you know if you're. If you're a love addict?

That's true. Right? Because how would you say, like, I don't know if I'm a love addict? Like, everybody has love issues. I think that people are love addicts when they're actually hurting their own lives to stay in a relationship. And it doesn't necessarily have to be abuse, but there's like, stages of love addiction. Like, the first stage of love addiction is like, I'm Obsessed with a person. And I just can't stop thinking about it. It's all the time, all the time, all the time. And the second stage is kind of like stalking. Like you pick up the phone, hang up, pick up the phone, call them and hang up. You drive by their house. Third stage love addiction is you're willing to risk your life for sex or love.

So it's almost like any addiction, like when it becomes life threatening.

Right. And people say to me all the time, I would never risk my life for love or sex. I go, really? You've never had unprotected sex with a stranger? And they go. And then everybody in the room raises their hand and goes, I've had unprotected sex with a stranger. I go, well, then that's risking your life.

Yeah. And there was a study that just came out that said people who cheat are more likely not to use protection if you heard this than people who are what? People who are just dating or single. So it's like everyone just use a condom. Okay?

Use a condom. I mean, it's just, it makes so much sense.

Why do cheaters.

Why do cheaters not. Is it because the same kind of person who like, is in denial that they.

Yeah.

As soon as they like have a condom on them, then they're out actually out looking. So then it's real.

I think that, yeah, they don't have one on them. So that helps them stay in the denial of, I'm not cheating, I'm just out doing my thing. It's like drug addicts will say to me, oh, I have to stop by my drug dealer's house and pick up this makeup I left there. And I'm like, really go buy new makeup. And it's the same. They'll say, oh, I have to stop by my ex girlfriend's house because I left something there and I'm like, out of condom.

Right, Exactly. People should always have condoms. So when you were talking, I was reading some of the stuff that you've written in an interview did that was so interesting because you talked a lot of it is. Do you think it's more women than men love? Definitely.

I think that women give love to give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.

Right.

So there's like this trade and so, I mean, it's not always that way. I treat a lot of men that are love addicts as well. But I would say with love addiction, it's much higher on women.

Right. And so you talk about how, you know, when couples are Together how? Well, you talk about love addiction, but also that it takes three years until you really get to know someone. And a lot of times people just jump into relationships so quickly and you don't really know anyone. This is why I say you gotta wait before you marry someone. But can you talk about that theory and addiction?

Well, like, I think that a lot of women get involved in sex before they know what the man is like, has planned for them. So oftentimes women will get involved in a sex relationship and they're like, oh, I have a boyfriend. And the guy's like, you're not my girlfriend.

Right. I didn't exactly have the talk.

Have the talk before it gets in.

Right. Okay. So that's the 90 day thing. 90 days. You say to wait 90 days before you have sex with someone.

I know, and I'm not like a prude or anything. People just flip out when I say that. But I say that because I think that in the first 30 days you're stuck in your fantasy honeymoon phase. It's like, oh my God, this is the greatest person in the world. I love them so much. They're so awesome. And then in the second phase, the second 30 days is like, well, I don't know. I don't like this about them. I don't like that about them. In the last 30 days, you really get to know, do I want to be with this person? Am I willing to sacrifice what it's going to take to be with this person? Like, what if you've already had sex with them and then you're in 90 days and you're like, I don't like them.

But if everybody followed that rule, the 90 day rule, there'd be a lot less sex in the world.

Well, I mean, we're saying wait 90 days before you meet someone.

But would it be less sex?

I'm with you, but you'd agree with my statement. But people would be broken up with them before the 90 days because the.

Guys would get upset that the one.

No, no, I just, I think most, I mean most, they fizzle mostly within 90 days. I think that the high low is 90 and I say it's more low.

So what I'm saying is if you're pursuing long term relationship, that's your bag. If that's what you're looking for, you should wait because you want to know, am I really interested in this person? Are they an interesting person to me? And once you know, then you can say, do I want to share my body with them so many times, especially Women will just jump into bed and then go, oh my gosh, I don't really know if I like you at all. But now my body is bonded to yours by the oxytocin it's producing because I think that I'm in love with you.

Right? It's like the cuddle horror movie.

It's a 40 year old virgin movie.

40 year old virgin. Why, what happens?

He waited. He didn't, he didn't have sex. And they waited and then they waited so long they fell in love.

Right? See, but this could happen. I think it makes sense because it is true. I always say that because people say, how long should I wait? Three days? Should I wait three? You know, I'm like, there is not a formula. But the longer you can wait.

Yes.

The better you. I don't disagree because the thing is, is that you start, you have sex with someone and then all of a sudden you get attached and then you can't see the red flags right in front of you because you're attached to his smell, his scent, the sex you think about.

You're bonded to this magic wand, right? That's what Pat Allen used to say. She used to say, have you ever been bonded to a magic wand that you can't get away from? And you're like, I know this person's.

My magic wand vibrator. But that's it.

See, it's okay because that person is not going to hurt your life. Your vibrator's not going to do anything bad in your life.

Right? Exactly right. That's true. The name magic, but it is true. So that couples. So I think that's a good, that's a good theory that people should probably wait. Now what about couples who are just in their relationships, they are dealing with some kind of addiction, whether it's so hard.

So hard, it's the hardest thing ever, right? When people come to me and they say, I don't know if my spouse is a love addiction, I mean, is an addict or a substance abuser. I always say you should get help for yourself first. The first thing you should do is go to Al Anon, go to therapy, get involved in something right away because you're suffering too. And you're like changing yourself to be with this addict and kind of running your life and your rules around them.

It's kinda like codependence relationship. So what about codependency? Where is the line? Like how do you draw the line between being supportive and being codependent?

I get that question like every day. Parents ask me all the time, when do I stop supporting my children? And I say, if you're supporting their recovery, support them. If they want to go back to college and you want to help them, that's awesome. But if you're supporting their disease, stop it.

Right.

Like, I have parents who will actually pay for their kids apartments. The kids are, like, out doing drugs. They've got this great place. They're getting money every month, and they're getting this great place all set up. I'm like, adopt me.

I'll be exactly that apartment.

I mean, who wouldn't do that?

The parents are, like, blind to it too. Which might have to do with their childhood issues and stuff that they haven't dealt with. And parents aren't paying attention. They're just like, I just wanted him to be okay, and I don't really want to deal with it. So what advice do you have for people who are starting a relationship with an addict? And they're in the beginning stages of a recovery, Obviously they say you should wait a year before getting into a relationship.

Definitely wait a year.

And I think a lot of addicts just kind of. They're craving that. You really have to. Hopefully they're working the program.

They want to switch drugs.

Right. One addiction for them.

So, like, something is making me really high, like drugs and alcohol. And if I don't have that anymore and somebody takes that away, I'm gonna look for something else to get me high. Well, sex and love gets you really high.

Right? Right. That's why a lot of people are addicted to it. Exactly.

They're addicted to the serotonin. They're addicted to the chemicals that your brain releases when you're about to have sex.

Right? Exactly.

Or when you are having sex.

Right? Totally. Okay, we gotta take a call because, Michael, you'll like this. We have a caller from Michigan.

Oh, what part of Michigan?

He doesn't say. He's calling in about the flashlight, though. Hi, Steve from Michigan.

Hello, Is this Emily Morse? This is Dr. Emily Morse.

This is Dr. Emily Morse.

I've talked to you before. Yeah. My name's Steve from Michigan. I'm the one that said I'd buy you a car.

I know. Why haven't you yet? I don't understand.

Because I haven't got together with you yet. But I want to simplify your first question. I have two questions, but I'm gonna make second one first. Right now. I cook, I clean, you can keep your career. And I'm a fabulous person. Will you marry me?

You're asking me to marry you?

Yeah.

Wait, hold on. How much money you got?

My brother's my manager.

What do you do for a living, Steve? In Michigan.

I work at an aircraft company. I build aircraft parts.

That's hot.

Like a mechanic type or an engineer type?

Engineer type. I think I could. I think I could make her happy. Yes, I do.

You do? Why? Really? How? What would make me happy?

Email us a picture. Email Emily.

You're looking for them? I will. You're looking for the best of both worlds, Emily. And I can give it to you because your career is number one. I understand that from all your podcasts. And I was always respect and admire that and always put that first in our relationship. Okay. Because that is your passion.

How much money does he have?

My brother?

Send a picture of your bank statement with the picture too.

Do you ever see my brother on TV in Michigan, Michael Morse. Okay. So, Steve. Steve. Thank you. Can I help you with something else? Because I'm not really ready to get married to you yet. I feel like we're just getting to know each other.

This is what I was expecting. So this is number two.

Okay.

And this is an important one. I think every guy out there wants to know. I checked your website. Is there a chance of Emily Morgan Fleshlight coming out someday soon?

You know, I don't. My brother shaking his head yes. You never know me to make my own products.

You never know.

Okay. You'll be a billionaire.

I mean, I.

All the other ones look okay. But that would be one.

I would.

I do have a nice. It would be nice to get it molded and do that. You know, I'm just. I. I don't know why would you would buy one toss. Or at least I know one would sell.

I'd buy a couple of them, wear.

Out the first one. It's a masturbation sleeve. You know, flashlight. No, I don't. Okay. It's a male masturbation sleeve. So it's like the number one selling sex toy for men. And it's. And men are like, I got my hand, whatever. But if you use a Fleshlight, it feels really good. It simulates the actual feeling of sex. And some of them are just regular. But a lot of porn stars have their lower parts molded, the vagina molded after it. So you can pretend you're having sex.

With like, I saw it, but I don't know if I can say this word.

You can say whatever you want. Okay.

So it's called a pocket pussy.

Yeah. Pack a pussy. It's like that, but it Looks, but it's like a. This.

These friends of mine that are a gay couple, they have it. They're guys and they have a lot of.

So they like the. They deny it? No, they want.

They want to. You know, they want each other.

You know, there's a lot of gay men here in la. I see. I was at the Abbey last night.

Oh, did you go to the Abbey without me?

Yeah.

Why? It's so fun. Wait, Steve, before we move on. Yeah.

We need to talk about your. Your Fleshlight for a second. I have an idea for you.

Okay, go ahead. Do you think I should make one?

Absolutely. But I don't think you should actually go through the entire process of having. What, do they put silicone up inside your vagina? How does that work?

They have a special material that simulates. I don't know what it is.

You don't have to tell anyone. But if somebody were to actually saw it in half, they'd see that it's in the shape of a microphone. How good would that be?

It probably is. It is so deeply ingrained to me to work in radio.

Yeah, it's pretty funny.

Well, just something for you to consider, Dr. Morris.

Sure.

Okay.

Thanks, Steve, for calling in. Okay. And I'll send you my insurance card and we'll look for that car and the bank statement. Have a great night. Bye, Steve. Anyway. Okay, so I like Steve.

I like Steve to be my future brother in law.

Would you? Don't hold your breath.

So let me tell you something. If you're looking for someone.

Okay. Okay.

So you know when you walk into a party and you, like, see that person and John Bradshaw calls them that your. Your Velcro person.

Yeah.

Like, you walk in, you're like, oh, there could be 500 guys there. And that one guy's like, he's the one. I'm really.

Right.

Okay, so run from that guy.

So. Right. I've heard. Because. Why, Tom? Explain to me why.

Because if you have a history of having a broken picker.

Right. That's what Dr. Drew always says.

Yeah, he says broken picker.

He says your picker's broken. Not to me, but to callers on love. Yeah, but I'm sure he would probably tell me if he had the opportunity.

Yeah.

So.

So let's say you have a history of a broken picker and then you look for you, you meet said guy at a party and you do your Velcro thing and you're all, you know, whatever. Then he's probably gonna be the same thing over and over again. Which would, like, Dr. Freud would say is probably your issues with your dad.

Right? Is that what that I. What that he. With all the women and stuff? That I would. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, but how would that be. Relate to the guy in the party that I'm attracted to?

Because you're probably attracted to something you want to change about your dad. And like, that guy comes in and you go, oh, there he is. I can change him to be. I can finally change my dad.

I met one of the. No, but see, I think I have issues with abandonment. More so than changing. Guys always want to change me because they want me to commit. They want me to stop working.

So you're a little bit avoidant.

I'm like a dude sort of. Sometimes I'm a little avoidant.

You're a little avoidant. So on the other side of love addiction is love avoidance. So you have the love addict who's like, come here, come here, come here. Do you like me? Are you mad at me right now? What's going on? Do I look pretty?

Blah, blah, blah.

And the love avoidance, like, I gotta go, I'm busy, I'm working, I'm drinking, I'm doing something, I'm gambling, whatever.

I'm not doing drugs or drinking.

But you're working.

But I'm working. I'm a workaholic for sure.

Me too.

So I feel like, yeah, that's what it is for me too. I think I do avoid it.

So this is what you do, you duty date. Pat Allen taught me this. Do you know Pat Allen?

I do. You know, I haven't met her, but I love her work.

I love Pat Allen. I studied with her for 10 years.

You did?

Yeah, like almost.

I have so much to talk to you about.

Almost everything I say is Pat Allen.

Really?

Yeah.

And she's in la, right?

Yeah, she's in LA and Orange County.

Okay.

And she's amazing.

And you say, well, she studied with her?

Yeah, for 10 years.

Did you get a degree from her or.

No, I didn't. Some people do, but I just studied with her for 10 years, but I got my degree somewhere else.

Got it. I'd love to hear about it. So what did she say to you?

She said that you should duty date. She says you should duty date. You should go out with guys that you're not like, velcroed to that are.

Just like, I've been doing that lately.

And you just date them and date them and practice dating. And pretty soon, like, you'll have a relationship with one of them because that Whole concept of like velcroing with somebody is what is going to be your pathology. That's what's going to be the bad part for you.

Right. But what if they're so do you think that everyone had. That no one should date the person that they see their eyes meet across the room or you're saying just anyone who's trying to break a pattern.

I said it wrong?

You said to run.

To run, definitely run.

Right.

But do I think everybody should do that? Like not date that guy? I think most of us come from kind of dysfunctional backgrounds. Most of us are looking for something to fix or change or be different.

Because usually when things start hot and heavy and that first attract and you go into it, that's not usually has the longevity either. It's just the attraction. If I see someone across the room, it's probably because I'm attracted to him in a certain way.

And it's probably something in them that you want be different from your own background.

Right. Okay, good to know.

So you should have like a weak commitment to duty date or 30 days.

I have been there was someone that I, that I've got out with that I was like, I don't think so. No. And I, you know, it's been a few days and I like, like I.

Do this guy that I want to set you up with, this Jewish guy, he is from Michigan.

Seriously, I wonder if we know him, if he's listening.

That's hilarious. He's gonna call me and be like, I can't believe you do this.

Well, this podcast, okay, so we can't listen now, but tomorrow when we release it, tell me so. Okay, we'll talk about it.

No, no, no.

He can't hear this.

What's he he like?

She's telling you to go out with people you don't like that you're not attracted to.

Why do you. Why do you think I like him. But how long is he sober?

He's sober, like two or three years.

Okay.

But I wouldn't say sober.

And why would you think that we would be good? Just because he's Jewish in from Michigan.

No, no, no. He's fabulous. He's just amazing. He's a really neat guy.

Did he find yours?

No, he's an ex client.

Oh my God. Okay.

But he's really amazing and he's cute and he's adorable and he's, you know, successful and everything. And I keep telling him, I gotta find a girl for you.

Okay, I'm open to dating. You know, in fact, Since I moved to LA about a year ago, I year and a half. I really haven't. Again, avoidance. But I've been. I moved here for work. I was in San Francisco for 20 years and this has just been amazing. It's been so great. But again, it's another excuse not to make time to date. So I'd love to do it.

That's why you got a duty date.

Okay, I'm on a duty date. Get back to that in a minute. But first, another word from our sponsors here. And I just want to thank everyone for listening to the show. As you know, I love being in help, being able to help you have the sex life and relationships you deserve. And I want to give you the best show possible. So thank you for supporting my sponsors who help keep this show free. So I gotta tell you about Promescent. Did you know one in three men suffers from premature ejaculation? Well now you don't have to because Promescent is a quickly absorbing delay spray that allows you to have the sex you want. You don't have to think about baseball or your great aunt Margaret with a furry mustache. You can focus on your partner's hot body, especially now that you have the time to make them orgasm. Also, Promescent closes the arousal gap between men and women. You might get there a little faster than she would like. Maybe she takes her 20 minutes orgasm and you only go for 5. This would allow you to go for 10. So promescent helps you last twice as long. Thousands of urologists are recommending Permeescent, the only FDA approved treatment for premature ejaculation. Go to Promescent.com to find out more. That's promescent. Or just go to sexwithelmy.com and click on the banner and also have to talk about no no because I love my no no Pro. I've spent way too much time and money on razors and waxes. No Not Pro is the best way to remove unwanted hair with no pain. It's so easy. You can do it sitting on your couch. Whether it's your legs, your arms, your face. And it's for men too. You know that hair on your back, long neck hair, all that stuff. You will love how easy this is to use and the weeks and months of long lasting results. Nono Pro comes with a 100% 60 day money back guarantee and when you purchase it you'll get a $50 gift card to an award winning skin care line. Go to nonoemily.com that's nonoemily.com. okay. We were talking about my avoidance. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'll get fixed up with your guy. Yeah, I like it. I'll do it. Okay. So how does addiction and recovery, like, do you think two people who are. Do you think they make better, better partners if they're both going through, like, let's say it's already the years past?

It's so hard to say.

Do you think it's hard to. For people who are both in recovery? Yeah, it's so hard to say because.

Like, sometimes I joke and say I only want one crazy in the relationship. Like, one of us is.

Right, right. I've heard that.

You know what I mean? Like, that's enough crazy in one relationship because I'm kind of neurotic, and so I'm neurotic enough for both people.

Right.

But on the other hand, you get to know somebody and you know what their goals are and you know what their aspirations are, and you kind of are thinking the same way, but then there's a risk, too. What if they relapse?

Right, Exactly.

That's scary.

It is really scary.

And you're always wondering.

Yeah, that's true. It's all about risks.

You'll make up.

Oh, my God, I love it. Okay, can you. I did. I got you, dad. Go. Can a recovering addict be in a relationship with someone who's not an addict? Oh, yeah. And still enjoy alcohol and drugs? I mean, if they're not an addict but their partner is, can they still, like, have a glass of wine or. You know how. Think of it this way.

Like, I don't drink alcohol because I'm a recovering alcoholic, and my. My husband will have a beer or something. And I think of it this way, like, if you're allergic to peaches and you come to my party, you're not going to be like, nobody can have peach pie. I'm allergic to peaches. You're going to be like, have your peach pie. I'm going to have some ice cream. I'm good.

Exactly.

So it's just ridiculous to live in a world where you think no one's ever going to have a drink in front of you.

Exactly. Because I think. And the people always tiptoe around it because I have friends and I've dated guys in recovery, and for some, I have a lot of friends who have gone through it, and I've also gone to a bunch of AA meetings with them because I just. I think. Anyway, it's so funny because of my therapist, for a while, I was Like, I love aa, but I'm like, I'm not addicted to drugs, sex. And I was like, I just. I want to work the steps. They seem so amazing. Like, I feel like every time I leave, I feel so much better because I think anyone can get anything out of the meeting. Yeah, for sure. It was just a joke. She's like, well, maybe you could go to sla. So, like, I went to, like, a sex in Love addicts meeting, but it just didn't jive with me.

Yeah, it's different.

I was like, but I want to work the steps. What can I do?

You can go to Al Anon.

Oh, that's true.

You go to Al Anon. And you can go to Coda. Coda is a good, great program.

Codependent, anonymous, Co dependent, either. I'm so independent. I never met Codependent.

Yeah, I think if anything, you're a little more counter dependent. Do you know what? Counter dependent?

No, but I need to be more dependent on people.

No, counter dependent is like this. I don't want anything from you and you don't want anything from me. I won't ask you anything. You don't do anything for me, and I'll be happy.

Yes.

So then you.

It leaves you a little bit lonely. Yeah, that's true. I'm like, oh, I'm cool. I'm independent.

Yeah.

I got.

I got this.

I got this. I don't need you. Right.

So I'm gonna guess that you're a better giver than a receiver.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. So I would say, like, you should practice.

We found my meeting. I should practice receiving.

Like, that's what Pat Allen would say. She would say, oh, my God, I.

Want to meet her.

Oh, she's so amazing. She's just.

I've heard. I mean, everyone just raves about her.

And she's hilarious and she's really direct. And, like, people will go up and they'll do therapy in front of 200 people, and she'll go, has he been in?

Just, like, straight, right?

Yeah. Inside you. And that's what I always say too. Like, if a couple comes to. To me, the first thing I say is, has he been in? Because if he's been in, we're dealing with something totally different than if he hasn't.

But how would a couple come see you if they haven't? You mean in like, sex?

Right, But.

But does a couple come see you if they haven't had sex yet? No, but again, it's just funny. So, okay, can we talk about emotional Vampires.

Yes.

That is so interesting, your whole theory about it. So tell me about emotional vampires. They suck the light. We all have that. People drain us. We have lunch. Family members like my brother, they. Just kidding. They drain you. And how do you. Their energy, like, what do you do?

So boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And like there's this fine line between setting boundaries and being an avoidant. Right, Right. So like, I'm just gonna bail on everybody and keep a big wall up and nobody's gonna bother me. But it's all about boundaries and being direct. I'm a really direct person and I think it comes off kind of cold sometimes.

It can. Right?

And especially for women. We live in a culture where women, if they have any boundaries or stand up for themselves, then they're bitches.

Right? Totally. It's a total double standard. What is that it makes me crazy or they're bossy.

Did you see that ad about bossy? Oh, it's about little girls. Like when little girls are assertive and they know what they want, people call them bossy. When little boys want it, they're fabulous and successful and wonderful. I think that the world is going to change big time when women learn how to say no.

Say no just to anything.

Anything they don't want. Yeah. And not feel like, oh, I'm such a bitch because I said no. And learn to receive when women start saying like, okay, I want this or I want that or I'm accepting this instead of. Because we're so quick to go, I got this, I'm fine, leave me alone.

That's true. That's true. And especially sexually too. Women have to learn to say no and to say yes and to ask for what they want in the bedroom and to be assertive. I always talk about that.

Saying yes and saying no.

Right.

Like the world change when women learn how to say no.

Absolutely.

Big time.

You talk to. Because self esteem too is a huge thing for women. That they just have lower self esteem and they don't really know they're pleasers. And we're raised that it's all about pleasing the man. And it's not about our own needs. We put them on the back burner and.

And you know, we treat a lot more men than we do women. Because women won't leave the home and go get treatment.

Right.

And men are just like, okay, bye. Because the kids like, when's the last time a man said, oh, I gotta get a babysitter, I can't go out tonight.

Right, Exactly.

Never.

Right.

First and never. But women have to say, you know, like, oh, I gotta get a babysitter. I don't know, I have to talk to my husband first.

Right. It's true.

But the whole thing about women in bed.

Yeah, that's tough.

It makes me crazy. I talk to my clients all the time and I say, what's stopping you? What's stopping you from saying, I really like this or I don't like that. And they go, well, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

You're sending mixed. I mean, we talk about this. You're sending mixed messages.

Right.

Don't ever fake an orgasm. I was gonna start, like, put a proposition on the belt. Like, no one fake. Oh, like trying to get.

I love that.

I know. I was like. Because women don't realize that. It's, it's. He's gonna say to me, the king of the universe, right?

And he's going, I did this thing that you loved. And. And you're going, well, I didn't really love it. I was just kind of trying to.

Make you feel right. Because we want to please them. Because, because men do get. They're like, if they don't. If you don't have the orgasm, we like a HubSpot. Going to fake it because I want it over with. And here's the thing that they've noticed that sometimes we don't have orgasms. And it's fine, it's still pleasurable, sex is still great. But just don't fake it. And also, I think that couples need to start to. Because here's another. Talking about the 90 day thing. Or people who. You don't really know anyone after three years. I think right after you start to have sex with someone is when you start the sex conversation. Or even before, because you might, yeah, before, obviously talk about safe sex and all that, but about like, what your needs and things you want to try, what your desires are in the bedroom. I think a lot of women might not even know because their whole life they have been pleasers. But imagine how. And couples I hear from all the time, they're like, I don't know how to do it. We've been together 20 years.

I've treated women who've never masturbated, right? And they say to me, I've never masturbated. I'm saying, how do you know what you like?

Yeah.

Like, how can you tell somebody else what you like if you don't know what you like?

Exactly. I was just writing about this day for Glamour. I'm actually writing for Glamour. Magazine now, Sunday nights on their website. Yeah, glamour.com, i guess, is their thing. And it's. I'm writing sex edits. And my first column today was about. It's gonna be on this Sunday is about. Masturbation is the most important work that women can do sexually to have the most fulfilling sex life. Because if you don't know your own body, I always say women believe that someday my prince will come, and so will I. He's gonna ride up on a white horse, and he's gonna come. He's gonna show up.

Don't you think more men would be better in bed if women were honest?

Yes, absolutely.

If women said, no, I don't really like that, or I do like that. Do more of that.

Exactly.

Then men would know more.

Right. But we're not brought up. But they're not taught. And even now, they're not taught that in school. I mean, I certainly was. I mean, I never even knew about masturbation. It never even occurred to me on my own about masturbation until my friends were talking about orgasm. I was like, what the what? Like, I. And I came from, like, a really liberal home. It just. For me. So that's why I was like, I'd love to teach, you know, young women about their bodies and sex and just so. Just so you can have a fulfilling life. Like, long living, long life of good sex. Because he's not gonna figure it out for you. She. Whoever you're with, like, you have to. You might have to put in some work, and you might not have orgasm the first time.

Not only do you guys not say what you like, but you pretend to like things. You don't.

That's what we were just saying. And that really is confusing to men because they're like, well, I thought you liked that for six times.

And you're, like, simple. It's like, if you had an itch on your back, like, would you scratch my back? I got an itch in the middle. And then you guys would just be like, yeah, you got it when we weren't even close.

Right. That's so confusing. Like, why do that? What's the point of that? Women think, oh, I'm gonna make him feel better about himself. But I think it makes. In the long run, it makes him feel worse about himself because he can't really fulfill her.

Do you think part of it also is that you guys feel uncomfortable sometimes and you just want it to be pleasant, or at least seemingly pleasant and over as quick as possible so you're.

Not awkward I think. I mean, sometimes that's the case. Why women might fake it because they're like, it's not gonna happen. But I also think that women are afraid they're gonna be judged. If they know that much about what they like, then he thinks she's a whore. Oh, she knows her body that well. It's such a. I feel like she's.

Really into it or she's really having a great time.

Right.

What's wrong with her?

But how much. How many partners she must be. It's not.

All I ever hear from guys is they hate dead fish. They hate it when girls just lay there. They really get upset about that over and over and over again. That's what I hear.

Yeah. That's good to know.

And the number one for the callers.

To know for sure, for sure.

That if you are.

I like the dead fish myself. It's a quiet time.

You are a dead fish or you like a dead fish?

I like the dead.

You like your wife's a dead fish?

I like her to be quiet. Yeah. Don't.

Don't show me.

Don't act like a porn star. Just be quiet and let me do my thing.

Are you serious?

I'm serious. But most.

But that's why they work. They're very happy. But does she ask, but you know what she likes?

Yeah. You got to be. Pay attention. I've said on the show numerous times, you pay attention whether they're saying it or not. If you watch closely, you'll be able to tell with like, toes and hands.

It's about people are so afraid to be vulnerable.

Yes. People are afraid to be vulnerable because.

You gotta let yourselves go completely to.

Get to that place you're vulnerable with somebody you just met three days ago.

Exactly. And how can you orgasm?

It's completely different. We don't have to be vulnerable. Like, it just happens because men don't.

Get the oxytocin that bonds until they're old. Like, you see old men that are like hooked on some 20 year old and they're like, ah, gah, gah. And they're like going crazy and doing things they never did before. That's because they didn't start getting oxytocin until they got older. The chemicals in their brain.

How do I cut that off when I get older?

I can't wait to see you.

I can't wait. You'll be on.

Come here.

What age do you think it is that men start getting more of the oxytocin?

I don't know, like the Scientific age. I'm gonna guess it's around 60.

Yeah.

You know how men start getting more oxytocin and they start. They start getting more estrogen. They're like gardening. And women start, like, running for senator.

Exactly.

That's true.

I say it's more like, like, like 50s and stuff.

So women get more testosterone, right?

It's true. It's funny how it switches, but I do think that. And if you're a guy, you're with someone, and. And I just think it's imperative that if she won't talk to you about it. I mean, I hear this all the time. She want to keep pushing it. Not pushing it in an aggressive way, but be like, babe, I want you to be happy. I want to, you know, and let.

Her know that you're not gonna, you know, let her know that you're not gonna judge her, right?

You're not gonna judge her.

I'm here to judge you. Like, I'm not gonna even make a joke like, oh, what a slut you are.

Right? I won't even joke. I won't even joke that you're a slut. I don't think that you're.

I would say that in a good way.

Exactly. And I just. I just wish that women would, because then once they do know their bodies and they take that time, then they'll really be able to explain it to their partners and have better sex. So what about people who are getting sober? I always hear people, like, they're afraid because I had a best friend still in San Francisco, in San Francisco, who got sober, and she was drinking. Her. You know, she's been sober now for what, long? 10 years. But when she first got sober, I would have to go on dates with her because she was. She'd been drinking, you know, since she started dating. She was 15, and then she was like 32 at the time. And she said she was so terrified to even be on a date, couldn't talk to men without having a drink. It's like I had to go and say, okay, I'll call her. Shelly. Shelly, tell them what you used to do, you know, like, she was. People think they can't function without.

I think most of the alcohol. Oftentimes people are medicating self Medicating social anxiety with alcohol. Exactly that. Because alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant. People come into me and they go, well, I drink a lot and I'm really depressed. Well, alcohol is a depressant. Like, biologically, it's going to depress you if you drink A lot of alcohol. You're going to walk around during the day feeling kind of depressed. It brings you down and then you.

Want to drink again because you got.

To bring you up. And it's a vicious cycle. But if you're self medicating social anxiety, what happens when the alcohol gets taken away?

Exactly.

You go on a date and you're.

Like, I like she's terrified. What about sexually? Well, she got over that. But eventually the sex thing was scary too because a lot of people, even their first kiss, they think, God, I've never even had a first kiss when I didn't have a little liquid courage.

And that's terrifying.

Right? So I'm sure that you talk to a lot of people about that as well.

Yeah, and sometimes I talk to like I'll have men's groups and we'll talk about what it's like to just talk to women sober. Because a lot of women, men say like, I can't talk to a girl unless I'm liquored up. I can't walk up to a group of women and go, hey, what's up? How are you doing?

Blah, blah, blah. You know, men have so much embarrassed.

You know, and they're terrified of the rejection. So we'll have groups.

I'm sorry. I heard some great advice on this just last night.

You did?

It was fantastic. I wish I had it before I was married. When you're talking to a girl, like a pretty girl and you're a guy, pretend like it's your girlfriend's really good friend or your sister's really good friend. No, no, your sister's. No, your girlfriend's really good friend. That just stop there. That's great advice.

I have a client right now that I'm going to use that for.

Yeah.

If I had that. Oh you know, stopping me back in.

The day, that's fine though, right?

I was okay.

But it is true. They gotta get over that. But I also got some questions today I posted that you were gonna be on the show from my listeners. They had some questions. I'm gonna give this out to it. And also my guest tonight is Deanna Jordan. And your website so people can find you is newmethodwellness.com right. If you're just catching up with the show. So some of the questions were is there any way to know whether your partner can actually overcome their long time addiction before it starts sabotages the relationship.

So what I would say to you is listener, is that a rater? Is that it's not really important to Focus on what your partner is doing. It's important to focus on you and taking care of yourself.

Right.

You're completely powerless over whether your partner's gonna get well or not.

Right.

And once you accept that. Because people say to me all the time, why should I go to Al Anon? And I kind of trick them. I say, go to Al Anon so you can learn how to deal with an alcoholic.

Right?

But really, it's not for that. Really. It's to go to Al Anon and learn how to deal with your own stuff.

Exactly. Because women, again, typically put. Or men. But they put their stuff on the back burner, right? And so. And they think someone's going to change. That is one thing that my mom told me after her second marriage, which I always remember. I was like, 14. And she looked at me, she's like, you, men don't change. People don't change. You know, you can't date on potential. No one is ever.

Getting on potential. No, you can't.

My mom said to me when I got married, she said, you should only get married if you can deal with this person exactly the way they are right now for the rest of your life.

Right, Exactly. It's true. Because maybe they'll change and if they want to change, but there are no guarantees, right?

Because acceptance is all about, like, your perceptive and your acceptance. Like, am I going to accept this person for who they are, or am I going to sit around and wish they could be somebody else?

Right? And I think that a lot of. Would you say women do that more than men?

You know, I used to think that. I used to think, like. And I think that's because I am a woman and I experienced it from the love addict side. But I really, truly believe nowadays that I've dealt with the equal amount of men that have just been burned by women. And they're just like, men come to me all the time and say, all women burn you, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, what?

Yeah, you can't draw. It's not. There's no stereotype, Right. It's everyone. It is. Another question from Alyssa. How can you discuss with your partner how their addiction and deceptive tendencies have hurt the relationship without it seeming like an attack?

You have to say it straight up because, you know, addicts are so manipulative that it's always going to be. They're always going to go on the defense. So, like, I'll come into. I'll come into work, right? And I'll have a client and I'll just go, you look loaded to me. Like, straight in their face. And they'll say, oh, I'm not loaded. How could you say that? How could you talk to me that way? And I'm like, you look loaded. I can tell. I'm a drug and alcohol cancer. I have a history with drugs and alcohol. You're loaded. You're lying to me.

I don't believe. Do they ever fess up? Oh, yeah, for a while.

They'll say, no, no, no. And I'll go, I don't believe you. I think you're lying. I just say it straight up, because what good is it going to do for me to. But like I said, sometimes people perceive me as kind of, like, direct.

I like that. That's why you're so good. You're such success, and you're so good at what you do. You're very passionate about it.

And direct.

I think that's important. People don't want their therapist to mess with you. You want direct, but do you want.

To spend 10 years with somebody, like, waiting for them to change and hopefully they'll quit drinking and blah, blah, blah? Just tell them straight up, look, you have a problem, and I don't want to live with it.

Right, Exactly.

And I'm either gonna leave or I'm gonna accept you the way you are as a drama.

Why people are so afraid because they're afraid that they're gonna lose them and that they're right and there'll be nobody else. Right.

There's a bazillion people out there.

Why would you think there's nobody else? Right? Everyone. I think. I think that people believe that all the time. I think, what if I don't find anyone else?

Never gonna come along.

People in the world.

And there's so many people that are suited for everybody.

Right. I don't believe that there's one person that's, like, magically in the universe now that I'm supposed to. My friends all think that. They're like, you just haven't met the one. I'm like, I haven't been. I've been dating for. I've dated a lot of people. I've been out there. I think I haven't been open to it already, but I am moving to a point where I think I am recently. It's a new phase.

That's awesome.

Like, I'm really ready. Like, I'm really excited. Yeah, because you're duty dating. I'm duty dating. Yeah.

Like, the whole weight thing, you know, Like, I waited with my husband, and then I ended up marrying him.

Because you waited how long to have sex or two. You waited the 90 days?

Well, not total 90, but I'll be.

Honest, because it's you. Yeah, it's me.

National America.

Right?

But yeah, I waited with my husband. It's funny. I told him, I said, we're gonna.

Have to wait 90 days.

He goes, yeah, that's not gonna work for me. I go, yeah, no, no, that's my deal. I wait 90 days. And he's like, yeah, that's not gonna work. It was hilarious.

That's so funny.

But we ended up getting married. Yeah.

I love that. Yeah. So how many days? How long did it take? Well, we really waited about 30 days. Okay. But that's good. That's still more than the most people.

But I always say, like, if you can't wait 90 days, if you can't do the rule, then just wait till you, you know, what their plans are. And I did wait for that. I said, I need to know what your plans are. Do you want me to be your girlfriend or do you? Because I'm looking for a relationship. I just want to be straight. So many women are afraid to say, look, I want a relationship. I want to get married. I want to have kids. They're like, oh, I might scare him off. Then he's not the one for you.

Right? Exactly. You want someone who matches your goals.

Right.

Why would you hold that back?

Why would you even waste your time on a dinner.

Right.

With somebody who doesn't want anything you want? You're going to spend all this time trying to change them.

Exactly. It doesn't make sense to appetizers. You can find this out and then leave. Like, why is he getting waiting for dessert? Or like, he doesn't want what I want.

Right.

And people do not. They don't even find this information out when they get married. Like, they. Like. I talk to people all the time. You probably do. We got married, and I realized that he didn't want kids. How do you. How does this not.

How do you, like, go to the church or the Whatever. And without knowing that this person doesn't want to have kids. I don't understand.

I don't understand people. You need to. The bottom line, I always say communication is a lubrication. It is going to help you with your sex life, but it's gonna help you with everything.

What do you tell people that have been married for a long time about.

Spicing up, about keeping it interesting? Yeah, I say, you got. I just tell Them that you've got. It's like ripping a band aid off. If you've never talked about it. You just got to start saying, honey, I like our sex life. You know, I love you and I just think that we could have some fun together. And let's try some new things to make it more interesting. Don't make it like a whole heavy talk. Okay?

So one of the things I tell couples that have been. Because I have couples come in and they've been married for 20 years and they haven't had sex, and in three years I'm like, how do you live like that?

How do you live in the same.

House and you haven't had sex in.

Three years because you're roommates, Right? How can you do that?

And what I always suggest is, okay, you gotta, like, make it, do it whether you want to or not. Once a week. Just like connect, bond with this person, Be in the same space as they are.

Right?

It's true. Whether you want to or not, just do it.

It's like going to the gym.

You're always glad afterwards.

That's what I said. I said it's like going to the gym. The hardest part is getting dressed and putting your shoes on. But once you make yourself, you get into the sex routine. I also have a 30 day sex challenge that I always talk about. I actually have an iPhone Apple, called Emily's sex drive. And every day it helps to help couples. It sends you a little tip of what you should do that night. It's like 30 days of a sex drive. Like how you pledge, like a toy drive, you pledge to keep your sex alive. And I do think that if you pledge to have sex every day, you know, for 30 days. But again, it doesn't have to be sex. You could even say, for the first week, we're gonna take sex off the table. We're just gonna touch, we're gonna get to know each other. That's right. Tubby massages. I'm actually giving you a wonderful massage candle after this. I made candles. I know I'm gonna give them. Yeah, but give a massage. So if sex has been your issue, like, take it off, get to discover each other's bodies again. Because you can bring it back, but it might take some work. Well, I always got it, really, to commit. It's your relationship.

It's a therapist's job to say what nobody's saying in the room, you know, so I'll have a couple come in and like they say, I'm like, you haven't had Sex in three years. And they, like, freak out that I just said that out loud. Like, they've been walking around holding it. And I go, you haven't had sex in three years. And they go, well, so then I say, okay, so we're gonna have sex this week. You guys are gonna have sex this week. That's your homework for the week. And then I find out, like, he has erectile dysfunction or she has problems or something. I'm like, I can't believe no one has talked about this. It's three years.

I know. Never comes up. I mean, it astounds me. I'm always saying to couples that, like, why they're emailing me these long questions, and I'm like, 20. Have you talked to your partner about it? No, they don't. They don't know how. They're afraid. And even in new relationships, men and women don't know how to talk about that. Sexual dysfunction, erectile dysfunction. Pretty much anything that's going on, it's like they pretend it's not there. It doesn't happen because it's so. Something about sex is so taboo. I actually just did a show yesterday about sex scripts. I think it's coming out next week. Like, scripts of how to talk. We did a little role playing about how to talk to your partner about this.

I'll play with my clients all the time. Like I said, we'll have guys role play. Like, walking up to a group of women. Right.

Because.

Right.

And might reject you, but. Or whatever.

Practicing.

Practicing role playing is that. It's like when you're giving a speech and you do it over and over again. I mean, it's important. I think that's great that you do that work. Okay, so, Deanna, we're gonna have to wrap up. I feel like I can't talk to.

You for, like, a year.

That's how I feel. You come back on my show because I have, like, 18 more questions.

So fun.

I know. Is it a fun spot now? We're totally.

She goes, you're gonna love her. She's so funny.

That's so sweet. I'm glad that she connected us, and I think it's really valuable and good work that you're doing. Thank you. And if anyone wants to see. Do you see individuals?

I do see individuals. I do see a lot of individuals, and I see couples, and I see drug addicts and alcoholics, and we do whatever we can to help.

Okay, so it's newmethodwellness.com and it's in.

San Juan Capistrano, California.

Got it. Okay. Do you ever do phone calls?

They have to see when I do Skype.

You Skype. That makes some sense.

Yeah.

Skype calls. Okay. Deanna Jordan, thank you so much for being on the show. And my brother Michael, thank you. Thanks for stopping in. Any final words that you'd like to say? Anything you learned during the show since you never listened to my show?

I learned a lot. I didn't even know there was such a thing as some of these things. Love addiction and whatnot and how it interacts with the other addictions. Very fascinating.

Good.

I'm glad.

So you learned something on this trip? Yeah.

We didn't the guys in Time talk about sex too much?

It was okay.

I took a little nap on the couch.

Michael was napping. He's tired. He's not much good time. Okay. Well, thank you, Michael Morris, for joining us. And thank you, Anderson. What's on your podcast this week? Anything that we can't miss, don't. Don't want to miss. Are you talking?

I got a micro cathode and Dr. Drew in here.

Yeah, forgot it. Okay. What's up with the podcast?

It's doing fantastic.

Okay, good.

Well, thanks for that live show after Disaster, but you have to be a little listener to get it. That's gonna be at the Improv July 12th.

Okay. Oh, thank you for reminding me. Improv July 12th after. Is it. Do you guys have a website? Just go to your broadcast.

Yeah, just go to. Go to the after disaster dot com.

Okay. One more thing I'm doing. You may remind me that I'm doing a workshop at Hustler Blowjobs. No, it's called how to invite your brother. Yeah, right. It's called how to blow his mind in bed. And it is at Hustler in. In Los Angeles on Sunset Boulevard. It's amazing store on July 16th. So if you go to my Sex with Emily page on Facebook, you'll see the invitation on the left hand side. Click on it. Learn more or email me feedbackexmily.com I hope to see you out there, meet my listeners, all that and thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

Okay. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone for listening to the show. I hope you enjoyed it. Have you ever heard of a massage candle? Well, looks like a regular candle that instantly turns into massage oil because massage gets your partner in the mood. And the warm, luxurious oil feels amazing. Amazing when you pour it on. That's why you need a Massage candle. It is your secret weapon in the bedroom if you want to spice things up, get your partner in the mood, and have incredible sex. And the feedback has been outstanding. And yes, these are my candles, Emily and Tony. But I tried them all out in the market, and they. I have to say, they're the best. From one of my listeners. Dear Emily, I bought a candle. My girlfriend was skeptical at first, but agreed to try the warm oil on me first and gave me a back rubber. Then I reciprocated, and we had amazing sex. She cannot stop talking about how good the candle smells and how great the massage oil feels. And I'm convinced that the scent and the candle helped us through some of the barriers to sex that we have faced lately. So I created these candles so you can have the best sex of your life. Go to emilyandtoni.com use code EMILY for 20% off. That's emily and tony.com perhaps play a.

Little game called Just a tip, just.

For a second, just to see how it feels.

Hey, this is Jordan Harbinger, host of the Art of Charm podcast, the number one dating and relationship advice podcast in itunes.

I'm Emily Morse, host of the Sex with Emily podcast, the number one sex and relationship podcast on iTunes and@sexwithemily.com. and this is just the tip.

So recently I've been reading about clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms and all these different types of orgasms, I guess. How many types are there? It seems like there's a ton.

Oh, my God. There's so many different types. But the thing is, for each woman, it's different. There's clitoral orgasms. There is G spot orgasms. There's even blended orgasms. So most.

It's like a smoothie.

Exactly. You just put it in a blender and smoothie happens. An orgasm smoothie. Sounds delicious. I'd like to wake up to that every single morning. So most women need clitoral stimulation even before any other kind. So get her clitoris going, get it warmed up, but then she's more likely to achieve other orgasms after she's warmed up. So the G spot orgasm, which can be achieved with your penis or with fingers you can explore. Use lots of lube. You can. Also, women can have orgasms through their breasts or their nipples alone. Really.

Just through the nipples?

Just the nipples. Wow. Yeah. Crazy orgasms.

That's the safest sex ever.

That is the safest sex ever. And I think some women don't even know it. So spend some time on her nipples. You can also there's also the blended or fused type of orgasm. This happens when more than one area of the body becomes stimulated and then aroused at the same time. So a lot of women experience a clitoric orgasm and a vaginal orgasm. That's also one of the most pleasurable twofers on the planet.

Yeah, that sounds like a really good combo deal.

Yep.

Awesome.

So play with your partner and figure out what she likes and her body. You know, women look at the vagina as a Rubik's Cube of life, but you can get all the colors on one side.

If you guys want to learn more from the Art of Charm about dating, relationships, and even networking for business, Visit us at theartofcharmpodcast.com or check us out on itunes and follow me on Twitter at the Art of Charm and check.

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