AITA for Wanting Less Sex?

You remember, sometimes with our partners say things we sometimes, especially when it comes to sex, we just accept it like, okay, that's your belief around it. But we're also allowed to get curious and ask questions like, tell me more about, you know, your early messaging around sex. Tell me more about why it's important for you to wait. Or tell me more about what about our sex life do you like and what is interesting to you? I mean, if he says to you, I just don't think sex is important, I don't care if I have sex or not. Let's find out more. But if he says that, then I think that that is grounds to end a relationship. You're listening to Sex with em. Hi, I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sometimes in our sex lives and relationships, it can be easy to wonder, am I the asshole? Well, don't worry because in today's episode, producer Erica and I are letting you know if you're approaching asshole territory in your sexual situations. Like, am I the asshole for wanting oral sex every time, not just on special occasions? Or am I the asshole for rejecting my partner's advances in the middle of the night? The this is a juicy one. And as a reminder, if you have a scenario where you're wondering, am I the asshole? Submit your questions to sexwithemily.com AITA we've been loving these, so please keep them coming. Please rate and review Sex with Emily. Wherever you listen to the show, just do it right now. Whatever app you're listening to, it really helps us get this sex positive message out to more people when you review it. Also, my new article, how to initiate sex is up on sexwithemily.com all right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Sarah and she's 52 years old am I the asshole for rejecting my partner's advances in the middle of the night?

I'm so excited for this one.

I'm so excited. Hey Dr. Emily. We're a married couple, both early 50s, together for 16 years. But am I the asshole because I don't spontaneously wake up in the middle of the night filled with desire for sex and and ravage my husband? My husband's disappointed because I never wake up horny in the middle of the night. He wakes up horny in the middle of night regularly. At times in the past he's tried to touch me while I'm sleeping and I'm difficult to rouse and apparently in my sleep I pushed him away. He feels rejected and refuses to initiate sex with me. I apologize for my behavior when I was asleep and unaware of what was happening. I asked him to make sure that I'm awake and to start with a makeout session first before moving to genital touching. He feels that once he touches me I should wake up and be phys filled with sexual excitement and gratitude that I have a partner that is so turned on by me. He is filled with resentment about this issue and feels rejected. We have sex at least five times a week, mostly in the afternoon when we're home alone. He'd perform more sex and more during the night. I'm afraid that I can't meet his expectation. This makes me feel like a failure and he feels undesired. Should I set an alarm so I can initiate text in the middle of night when to be honest, I'd rather be sleeping. I have difficult getting back to sleep after sex and I'm willing but not excited about making some sleep sacrifices. If that's what it takes for him to be a love if that's what it takes for him to feel loved and desired. Thanks for your help, and I believe my husband will be happy to hear your opinions on this issue. Wow, that was a long one. But that is a good one. Okay, so.

Wow. Lot to unpack here. First off, let me remind you that men can wake up easier in the middle of the night, or they wake up more regularly in the middle of night with erections because they get these nocturnal erections. That's why a lot of men wake up with erections in the morning, because it's all about blood flow and getting erections. So he gets this notion and wants to wake up and have sex with you. And listen.

I don't feel that you need to disrupt your sleep patterns and set an alarm in the middle of the night so you can allow your husband to feel wanted and desired. And that's just seems like this is going to be, you know, a long haul. And sleep is so important, Especially what we're finding now about sleep and hydration and all these things I think about, like sleep, hydration, exercise. But sleep is one of the main three things in our lives that we can control. Sleep hygiene is so important, and by you waking up in the middle of the night, that's going to disrupt everything. But what this is telling me is that your partner, your husband, wants to feel desired. He wants to feel needed by you. He wants to feel you ravish him. And so I'm wondering if there's other things you could do to make him feel that way.

I love that.

Could you initiate sex other times of the day that's not the middle of the night? You said you're having sex five times a week. Which? Side note. 16 years, married in your 50s, you're having sex in the middle of the day five times a week, and he wants to wake up in the middle of the night. I just think that that's a lot. You guys are in a great place. You seem like you're a really healthy couple, but there's this one thing that he wants. So again, you could let him know that I'm not willing to sacrifice my sleep. But I would like to know what you're getting from that and how I can make you feel desired, love and that. Know that I'm attracted to you in other ways.

Mm, yeah. Do you think because they're already having sex, she said at least five times a week, and he would prefer more sex and more during the night. Do you think that sex for him is tied to his feelings of being seen? I mean, I think we can fill in the Blank here. We know this. But I. I do feel like again, not everything's gendered. But we hear this more from penis owners, right?

Yeah, we'd hear more from penis owners that they. Well, when they wake up in the middle of night, they have erections, they're ready to go. Definitely that part of it. Vulva owners, you know, we're like slow cookers. Many of us, we need time to get aroused and turned on. And it doesn't just strike us as much this spontaneous desire as it does. Think about it. Your penis is on the outside of your body. Maybe he brushed up against her in the middle of night. He went to the bathroom and came back and he touched her. He saw her. It's just easier for guys to get going. That's where I will say that gender definitely plays a role. Your body works differently. You probably require more touch, maybe more oral sex, maybe more verbal arousal. You already said you require more making out middle of the night and maybe that would get you there. Like, I love how much you're willing to sort of try to be there for him in ways that just, you know, are more difficult. Cause I think like losing sleep is a non negotiable. I think that too. I think that it's hard to get back to sleep. You gotta get up and work. But again, understanding more about this strong desire he has for sex. Could he pleasure himself in the middle of night? How would he feel about just masturbating next to you? Would you be okay if he did that?

I just came up with a good idea.

Oh, tell.

What if you sent him like a video or something that he could watch in the middle of the night? Like something where you're like, I am never gonna be awake enough to want this, but I know that you crave this and I want to be involved in that in a certain way.

I love it.

And you could even like film multiple things so each time he has something new to see from you.

Yeah.

And it doesn't disrupt your sleep, but he feels seen and appreciated.

It's like your own, like personal, like porn. You can send him like a little video of maybe you touching yourself or you getting undressed, or you doing things that you think is hot. Talking dirty to him. He could put on his headphones in the middle of night and watch that. Like you're there, but you're not there. Yeah, I think there's just some creativity for a couple who's this active and this still really into each other. Let's find some workarounds. And that's a great idea, but I think also the notion that she feels like a failure and he feels undesired. I'm also wondering if this is a theme or if this comes up in other parts of your relationship where you feel like you're not able to meet his needs or you feel like you're letting people down or maybe not even just in him. Are there other places in your life where you feel like you can't do enough? And does he feel like you don't want him, but you don't desire him? Because a lot of times our sex challenges also show up in other areas. So I think that might be really fun to unpack, especially since you said you're both going to be listening to this together. And I want to make an offer that you guys could call in together and we could talk about it. So if you want us to really unpack this with you, I am certain, Erica, that if we get them on a call, we do a little session with them, that we could help them find a lot more ways to play that don't happen in the middle of the night.

Every couple gets to determine how often they want to have sex and if five times a week for you is great for both of you. Amazing. The one little red flag I'm seeing is that he's feeling resentment towards you for something you did while you weren't even conscious. Like, that seems very easily triggered to me. So I wonder if that need for so much, I wonder, do you want sex five times a week? If so, amazing. But if not, I feel like you can't always be trying to just please your partner and serve their needs if you're already serving them a lot.

Exactly. Yeah. No, that's a really good note. He thinks that she should just wake up in the middle of the night and be grateful. And be grateful and ready to go. Is also points to me that he doesn't really have a clear understanding of female arousal and that he actually believes that she did this with other partners but isn't doing it with him. He's like, looking for ways to feel rejected when that just feels like I'm already telling you that men are more likely to wake up in the middle of night desiring sex. And I explain the reasons why. And so, yeah, he's shoulding her and making, you know, shoulding all over. She should wake up. She should feel with excitement and gratitude. And it sounds like you can let him know that you're super grateful for the connection you have. You love that he's turned on by you five times a week. So I do think there's something else going on here that he's kind of pushing the envelope and saying, like, and this is an area that you're not doing enough. And so this is why I'm just feeling like there's some other things going on in the relationship, some unspoken things, and perhaps the frequent sex could be filling a void where there's other places of disconnect in the relationship. And so I'm wondering if this focus on the sex and the dynamic of him feeling like she should be grateful and her feeling like she's not doing enough is part of a larger relationship challenge that maybe they could get into and that would help heal the sex as well. He's got to somehow figure out that you still love him, you desire him, you want to be with him, but it's just not in this one area. So let's find other ways to play. Love that one. Thank you, Sarah. Thanks for having me. Not an asshole. Appreciate you, Sarah. This is from Hannah, 37, in Kentucky. Am I the asshole for feeling done with a sexless marriage? Hey, Dr. Emily. My husband and I have been married for seven years now, and we were dating long distance for a year. In the beginning, we relied mostly on phone sex, Skype sex, and he was totally into it. When we got closer distance wise, I noticed he had some issues being able to have sex. He wanted us to wait to move in together until after marriage, which I should have argued harder against. It wasn't until our honeymoon where I did everything possible to turn him on, and we didn't have sex a single time that week. Then I got really worried. Now we have hardly had much sex and at all in our marriage, and my sex drive is insane. It always has been. I've talked to him about it over and over. And about a year and a half ago, I told him one last time I was hurting me. Nothing changed. And over the last two years, I've been focusing on myself. I shamefully have had an affair and I'm falling in love with someone else. My husband's a good man and he's trying to fix things now that he found out, but I just don't even want that kind of connection with him anymore. I spent the last two years numbing myself from it. Am I the asshole for feeling done? I know I'm an asshole for cheating. All right, a lot to unpack here. This is so interesting, Hannah. What I'm seeing is you've been married for seven years, and even in the beginning on your honeymoon, he was withholding sex. He wasn't into sex, and it never really got better from there. So for seven years, you've been craving sex, you've been wanting him to want you. It wasn't happening even on the honeymoon. So, you know, I always say when there's challenges with your sex life, you gotta look at, how was it in the beginning? Can you go back to how it was? Has there been resentments? Has there been ruptures in the relationship that you can't quite repair? Well, it sounds like there's something going on with your husband sexually. Again, we don't know if it was earlier sexual experiences. Maybe he just got a low sex drive and sex isn't his thing. But there has to be some communicating here around it, and it might be too little too late right now. You let him know you wanted sex, you tried to turn him on. And I'm just wondering, what kind of things has he told you about your. His sex life? How much do you know about it? And when you do have sex, was it satisfying at all? So it sounds like what I'm hearing is the frequency of sex and the kinds of sex and the satisfaction you were feeling and the connection you were feeling to him just hasn't been there all this time, and you've now met somebody else, and now he's trying to come around, which is kind of classic. And so, you know, you're not the asshole. But if you actually think this is a relationship, if he makes an effort and now he understands it, unfortunately, sometimes we don't really get the message until it's dire. He feels like he's going to lose the relationship. So if you want to give it one more chance and stop seeing this other person and say, okay, now I've got my husband's attention and I love him and he's really going to try. If you think you could go there and muster up the strength, I might say give it another chance for a few months. But there's also, you know, what I'm hearing from you is that ship has sailed. Seven years is a long time to be trying. So really this is where you have to decide. But sometimes we are done and we've moved far enough past it and it's hard to get back.

I'm curious. Did she say anything about their relationship in general?

Nothing.

Except for the fact that he wanted to wait until moving in together. She disagreed with that, or she should have argued harder against it.

Yeah. Like why? But here's the other thing I want to say. Why? Just let this be a note to everybody. Before you get married, before you go on your honeymoon, before you walk down the aisle with someone, find out if you have complementary sex drives, if you want the same things. If you both have a growth mindset around sex, let's not find this out when it's too late. So, I mean, gosh, not having sex on the honeymoon and then him waiting till you move in together would be alarming. What else did you guys do on your honeymoon? You know, and I'm wondering also, like, was there something, you know, I'm wondering if he grew up in an environment where sex wasn't celebrated, where he got some messaging around sex that it wasn't healthy or. Okay, I'm just wondering what else we know about your husband and his relationship to sex. Because it sounds like this had nothing to do with you. He came into your relationship with these ideas around sex. When he wants to wait for sex, what was he waiting for and why? You remember, sometimes with our partners say things we. Sometimes, especially when it comes to sex, we just accept. Accept it, like, okay, that's your belief around it. But we're also allowed to get curious and ask questions like, tell me more about, you know, your early messaging around sex. Or tell me more about why it's important for you to wait. Or tell me more about what about our sex life do you like and what is interesting to you? I mean, if he says to you, I just don't think sex is important. I don't care if I have sex or not. You know, like, let's find out more. But if he says that, then I think that that is grounds to end a relationship.

Especially sex supports you just change the dynamics of your relationship. Maybe you could just be open. Yeah, but if he's serving you well as a partner.

Yeah.

Then there's no need to lose that. Especially if he already doesn't really want sex.

Exactly. Yeah, you can outsource the sex. Listen, there's a lot of people we're seeing showing up in different kinds of relationship these days. And what I love about this conversation is that, yeah, most people are going to choose monogamy, but some people might want it to look a little bit different. And you might be a candidate for looking a little bit different if you guys are in a really, you know, if he's your best friend, you got a great relationship and other things are fabulous. And like Erica said, maybe you want to try another arrangement, but if you're done and done, it's too much time has passed. Only you will know, but let us know how it goes. I don't think you're an asshole. But I do think that it's time for you to get some answers on this and to get clear rather than cheating. Just either do a clean break or figure out a ways to reimagine your partnership as it exists today. Thanks, Hannah. We appreciate you. No need to be an asshole. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors, so just stick around, but first I want to tell you about Bathmate. It's the world's only FDA regulated hydropenis pump. See, Bathmate exercises the one body part I think most people neglect in the gym. Well, you tell me. Their penises. I bet you didn't know you could work out your penis. And first, let me clarify what a penis pump is. It's used to draw blood into the penis to create an erection. But Bathmate is so unique because it harnesses the power of water through a hydraulic vacuum, acting as a secondary pump to the heart. So it draws blood safely into the penis. And it's so cool that you can just use it in the shower. It helps flush out toxins, maintain tissue health, and improve erection quality, predictability, stamina. So if you're struggling with erectile challenges, this is for you. And after two months, 81% of users reported better erections or size gains. All you do is you fill up the hydro pump with warm water. In the privacy of your shower bath, you slide your penis in and you leave it on for about three minutes, three to five times a week.

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This is from Taylor. She's 30. Am I the asshole for being upset when my partner doesn't want sex? Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend and I have mismatched sex drives. She rarely wants or thinks about sexual, but I think about it and want it pretty much all the time. Sometimes when she doesn't want sex and I do, I act upset and hurt, and then she has sex with me even though she previously said she didn't want to, then it makes me feel like a sleazy guy who begs his girlfriend to have sex with him. I feel gross. But I also feel like if I act like I don't care, then we would never have sex again. I'm so upset by the whole situation, and I don't know what to do.

This has got to be such a common situation, right?

This is the most common situation. No matter what your gender or who you're dating. There are mismatched sex drives and every single relationship. And one of the scenarios we often see is that we get frustrated because if we're the partner that has a high desire, we're asking for sex. We're asking for sex, and then our partner might reject us. So we feel bad, or they do it, and then we think, okay, they don't really want to do it, and then we're in our heads and it sort of becomes this lose, lose situation. But mismatch sex drives are common. The next thing is finding out when is sex good for her? What kind of sex does she want? When you do have it, when you start having sex, is she into it? When you start having sex, does she have pleasure? Or she just look like she's going through the motions? Because maybe there's just still some work here she has to do by understanding how she wants us show up sexually and what she requires. I also understand the notion that, like, you want her to initiate, you want her to act like she wants it, or at least you want her to be into it. So it really is important to find out, again, what is she into? What do you like? What kind of sex feels good to her? And maybe she has more to learn about sex. Maybe she hasn't had as many partners or she hasn't done a lot of exploring. So maybe there's some mutual masturbation that could go on here, where you're both masturbating and you're figuring out what feels good to her. Has she been with many women? I don't know if this is a new relationship or if she's had this kind of relationship before. Rather than getting upset and hurt, I would do some talking.

Yeah.

And getting clear.

I'm curious about this because I feel like this is a dynamic that happens a lot where you're almost guilty guilting your partner into it, and it's kind of this negative feedback loop where, oh, if I act upset, then my partner has sex with me, how can she disrupt that cycle? And what Are some new ways that she can encourage her partner to desire sex more often.

Yeah, you know, the best way to do that would be a conversation outside the bedroom using my three T's of communication, timing, tone, and turf. Where the time is on your next date night, just decide that you're going to say, you know what, let's talk about sex. And your tone is open and not judgmental. It's like. Like, let's just get curious about our sex life. I love our relationship. I love what we do have sex. But I don't want it to be like, I'm begging you. And then I feel like if we don't have sex or I don't bring it up, then it's not going to happen. But let's just talk more about, like, when is the best time of day? What kind of sex do you like? What feels good to you? How do you like to be approached for sex? What could get you in the mood? If you're not sure, you guys can also check out my book, Smart Sex, which I write all about understanding your mindset, what kind of place you need to be in to be in the mood for sex, and how can you guys work together. So I don't. Again, I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but it sounds like there's more information you need. Because also there's the notion that maybe she doesn't like sex, Maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience with sex. Like, you just need to find out. And so I don't think there's a different approach here, because what she's already trying is being aloof and waiting for her to approach, which she's not doing, and then getting angry. And neither one of those are ideal. So just getting into the psychology of your partner. And maybe there's a reason why she doesn't want a lot. Maybe she's on a certain medication that could be impacting her libido. I cannot emphasize that enough that we have to understand that if our partner's on the birth control pillar, if they're on a certain SSRI or antidepressant, maybe that's the culprit. So she could talk to her doctor about what can she do to make sure that she still has a sex drive, maybe she has some pain, we don't know. But I'm going to make an assumption here that maybe you haven't had these kind of clarifying conversations with your partner. We can get more data and figure out what does it take, because also, if she says to you, nope, I just don't care. I don't want to talk about it. I don't like sex. It's never been my thing. Then you have more information and you could say, well, do I want to be with somebody that I have to convince them to have sex that's actually willing to have a life that isn't as sexual as I require it? But we won't know anything unless we talk about it.

If you haven't read Smart Sex yet, one of the five pillars of sexual intelligence is collaboration. And I would say if you have this conversation and your partner doesn't seem down for it, she's just like, this is the way I am. I never want sex. Then you're not fulfilling that pillar of sex IQ that just makes everything more difficult.

Yeah, it really does. We have to all have healthy conversations about sex, which is also another skill set. It's almost like the skill set of learning how to communicate about sex is just as important as skill sets of learning how to, how to actually perform in the bedroom. Although we don't want you to perform, we want you to be present and do the things that make you feel good and move your body in certain ways. But again, we got to talk about it too. So try that on for size this year. Start talking about it and see what kind of information you get. And remember, it's not a one time conversation. All right, thanks for your question, Taylor. You're not an asshole. I just look forward to you getting some clarity with your girlfriend and seeing what kind of sex lives you both want to have. And then you can create it together.

This is from Sid. He's 42 years old. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm 42 years old and my libido is not what it used to be when I was in my 20s. Obviously it's extremely hard, pun intended, to get it up and have the desire for sex more often than once a week. I just don't feel like I have the stamina needed for sex more often than once a week without the help of a prescription pill. When I don't have the stamina, I feel inadequate and insecure. And also the pills have some annoying side effects from time to time that I don't always like dealing with. But my wife is an angel and deserves the best of the best because I'm apparently such a decent person to her. Compared to her exactly. Her libido has actually skyrocketed to unbelievable levels. Part of me feels like I owe it to her to have sex at least Once a week, even if I need to use my pills to help me do that. Please help. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I want to make sure she stays happy and knows that she is valued and treasured. Aw, Sid.

We love Sid.

You're not an asshole, Sid. You want to feel valued and treasured and show up for your wife, you know, at the frequency in which she desires you to show up. And so the first thing I want to say is that whenever I hear people say things like, part of me feels like I owe it to her, of sex at least twice a week. And so, first, let's have a conversation with her and find out how often does she need sex and when she wants it. What kind of sex does she want? She might be okay with oral sex. If she has a higher sex drive. She might just want to get off and feel connected. And so it might not be about penetration, it might be about connection. Oral sex, using a toy. And so rather than, you know, feeling like you have to jump through all of these hoops and take a pill that really isn't working for you, let's have a conversation and find out. You know, with this skyrocketing libido, you want to be a great lover to her. How many times we could be right? And then what kind of sex feels good? Again, let me remind you that for many vulva owners, it's not all about penetration. Now, you are married to her, and you might know more than I know, obviously. But again, a conversation to clear on what she actually requires with this higher libido than you have would help you get some clarity.

What are some side effects that might be stopping someone from taking pills?

Well, you know, he might be getting headaches, he might be having an erection, lasts longer than he likes, might make him nauseous, indigestion, you might be dizzy, back pain. None of those things are fun. Blurred vision. And if that is the case, you could also talk to your doctor about finding some other solutions. There are other pills out there. There's other things that you could take. If this one doesn't work for you, just because it works for other people doesn't mean it might work for you. But I get it. You could take half the pillow. Maybe you could take it certain times a day or make sure that you've eaten something. So there's ways to mitigate that. This goes for any medication we take rather than going off of something cold turkey. Although this is an as needed kind of pill. Always talk to your doctor. About what else you can do for this.

If you heard our sex in the news episode, how often should you be having sex? The average number of times couples had sex per week was one and a half. And so maybe that halftime could be you going down on her, you pleasing her. Son, you don't have to worry about taking Viagra or worry about your performance at all. But if she is a high libido, you can still make her feel a lot of pleasure and satisfy that.

Absolutely. Get out of your head, start talking to her about it and get some information so you can both show up for each other the way you want to. And I don't think you're an asshole.

Not an asshole.

Not an asshole. Sid. This is from Lucy. She's 38 years old and she wants to know, am I the asshole for wanting oral sex every time, not just on special occasions? Hey ladies. I love the show and all things sex. I recently started seeing a new guy. We haven't had penetrative sex yet. He's all things I want in a relationship, except we were talking about oral sex the other night. I'd given him a bj, which he wasn't expecting or anticipating. I do it just as much for me as for him. He then said that oral sex is only as a treat, otherwise it gets taken for granted. For me, oral, both giving and receiving is a huge part of sex, intimacy and connection. Am I the asshole to think this is really narrow minded? And how can I say it without seeming demanding? That's one big thing that I really enjoy. Am I the asshole in being selfish about this? No, you're not the asshole at all. In fact, what I love is that you're already having conversations about sexual before you even had penetrative sex. And listen, you're so not alone here. In fact, not only you not the asshole, but you are the norm. I'd say many people prefer oral sex as a warmup to penetration. And yeah, you might want it every single time. Now it doesn't have to be completion every time. We don't all have so much time every single time to give a blowjob and then go down on her and then have penetrative sex. But for many people it gets us going. It's the first stop. So I just think it's interesting that he's looking at oral sex as a treat. And I'm wondering where that comes from. Why only treat? And is he talking about receiving and giving?

It's kind of what it sounds like, which is surprising to me.

It's Always surprising to us when there's. Well, first, what we've been told and what we've learned is that men want blowjobs all the time. They would take it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They would do that in lieu of food. And so I think whenever we hear a guy doesn't want it all the time or he only wants on special occasions, we pause. Which, by the way, all of these gender norm things are truly outdated. And I think that there are just as we see here, there's just as many vulvas who want oral sex, even sometimes more than men. So I think that this just comes down to having another conversation with him and getting a little bit clearer on, like, so tell me more about oral sex as a treat. Would you be down that it's something that I would require a lot more often. And, you know, again, just because he said this doesn't mean that with the right partner, he'd be willing to examine his views.

Mm. I know. I wonder where this message came from, because, yeah, receiving it, I feel like that's something that women are kind of taught to do and men are kind of taught to expect. So for him to say, it's only a treat, I don't want to even receive it.

That's the anomaly right there that he's saying, I don't really want it needed every time, and it's just a treat. I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't love receiving oral sex as much as he enjoys penetration. Yeah, that's part of it. And that is true. We have heard this from men who say, you know what? I just. I don't love it. I know it's supposed to be everything, but for me, it's not. And this is why we have to be so careful and remember that we all get to decide what kind of sex feels good to us. And just because we've heard that we should love it and we don't love it, maybe that's his thing. So I would find out more about his oral sex preferences. Just because he's not into it doesn't mean that you have to change your views on oral sex. If you want it every time, you can let him know that it's a big part of your arousal. It gets you going. Maybe you just need it for a few minutes. Maybe there's other things you would want too. If this is your guide. And again, it sounds like it's early on. You haven't had penetrative sex yet, but sounds like you require clitoral stimulation before you want penetration. Which is very common. And so if he's not willing to provide oral sex every time, is there something else you might need? You maybe use a toy, use fingers. But you can just let him know that you're gonna need some revving up every time. And let's figure out what that looks like for both of us. If he doesn't, that is more time for him to go down on you.

I'm so fascinated by his idea that they'll take it for granted. Like, to me, that almost sounds like he is worried about the sex going stale. And if they start doing oral sex every time, then what more is there to do? But if you listen to the show, you know, there's literally endless things to try and add to your sex repertoire. But, yeah, that's interesting to me.

That is a great point. Say it's taken for granted. That reminds me of people who think you can only give compliments every once in a while, because then your partner's gonna take it for granted. Or if you always give to them and they're gonna expect it. And I would. This is more about his belief system and his personality to be thinking that things are going to run out or people are going to take it for granted or have expectations. And what this makes me think is that in his previous relationships, something happened in it where he felt that there was expectations that he couldn't meet. And so he's got this philosophy around not doing too much or you take it for granted, or there'll be expectations he can't meet. So I think there's more here to unpack. And how we do one thing is how we do everything. How we believe certain things is how we look at other areas of our life. So there's something here about, let's make this scars. I don't want you to have expectations from me. And I think this is indicative of other things that other ways that he feels this is not good or bad. This is just something to look out for, that he's thinking about sex in this way?

Do you think that part of the reason he's scared of oral sex getting taken for granted is because he thinks that he's only so good at oral sex? Like, he has a cap of how good he is. And so the thing that keeps it hot and interesting is how scarce it is.

That could be a point as well. You know, a lot of us are concerned that we are not good at oral sex, that we're not good at sex, and we just want to do everything we can to avoid it, especially Oral sex. We hear this from everyone, all genders who are like, what if I'm not great at it? And so he thinks the less he does it, he won't have to A, face something that he's worried about and nervous about, and B, if he doesn't do that often, then it will be a treat or he'll seem better than he is. So there's something that's happened in his past around oral sex and some beliefs he has that we could only find out by having another conversation with him about it. And she could do it in a light way. You could say to him, like, let's talk more about that oral sex point. I found that interesting. For me, oral sex is a big part of my arousal. Tell me about your experience with oral sex, or what kind of oral sex are you into? Or what feels good to you? Because once we find out what our partner likes and what feels good to them orally or every other way, we can add that to our repertoire. Maybe he wants more suction. He wants to use a hand. He doesn't want a hand. Like, we are all different. And then you get to tell him what you like orally. So I think you guys are still on a journey here to figuring out how you can both be great lovers to each other. And you're going to find out soon enough. Although, note here, if you're with somebody who has a scarcity mindset around oral sex, that could become a problem for somebody who loves oral sex and requires it. So you're finding things out early.

True.

Gathering data. You know, the first few months, year we're dating somebody, we're just gathering information we don't know yet. We're listening, we're paying attention, and we're figuring out, is this somebody I could be compatible with? And rather than just making assumptions too, you also get to have conversations about it. So what I'm hearing you say is oral sex might not be that important to you. It is important to me. What else can we do to learn together? And you're not an asshole. You're actually somebody who's. Who's thoughtful and contemplative and, you know, you want to get your needs met. No problem there.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TalkSex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemly Was it good for for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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