All About Anal

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What are all the things that people want to know about anal? Should we just start there? Off the top of my head, it's gonna be painful. How do I clean for it? And you have so much great knowledge in this area.

Sure. So when I first started practicing, I kind of broke things up into categories and that's actually what those pillars are. What is founded in terms of how I practice? And it's how do you prepare for anal sex? How do you engage or play? And then what is the aftercare?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So question, have you tried anal play? Anal sex? Because if not, here's my question to you. What's holding you back? For most folks, the answer is fear. We're scared it will hurt. Scared that we don't know what we're doing, Scared we'll feel ashamed if we just so happen to love it. That's why I've got two anal Pleasure experts on the show today to help demystify and destigmatize anal play and help you open up yet another pathway to pleasure. Dr. Evan Goldstein and Alicia Sinclair talked to me about anal orgasms. Nope, not a myth. The importance of anal training, how to prepare hygienically, and how to strengthen the mind booty connection for a successful erotic anal experience. All right, Intentions with Emily. Please join me in setting an intention for the episode. I do it, and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could this episode help you? Well, my intention, especially since it's anal August, is to empower you to try anal play and anal sex if it's something you're curious about. With the right education and prep, everyone can experience intense pleasure in this area of your body. Since everyone has a booty, it's true. Please rate review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article Prostate Play 101 is up@sexwithemily.com Remember to check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all SexWithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, well, leave me your question or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or just call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Doctor Evan Goldstein is a nationally renowned anal surgeon specializing in sexual health and wellness care in New York City. Dr. Goldstein has extensive experience educating and shedding light on healthcare issues for both the LGBTQ community and mainstream audiences. He's also the founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical and the co founder of Future Method. You can find Dr. Goldstein on social media. DrVangoldstein. Hey, Dr. Evan Goldstein, welcome to the show. So tell me about yourself.

Thank you. Thank you. I started a practice called bespoke surgical about 12 years ago. I saw a huge need in the community, all stemming from everything that you get asked all the time. And there really wasn't someone that was spearheading the movement of saying anal sex is totally appropriate and fine. How do we make sure that you are doing it as safely as possible with the appropriate education? And if something does go wrong, how do we now make sure we have professionals that are able to take care of it both physically and then obviously mentally, because there's so much that combats both of that. And that was really the impetus of me starting this practice. I just saw a huge gap in the services that was being delivered and I was like, how do we just do it and create an environment that is destigmatizing, that doesn't create the taboo that's associated with it. Make an environment that's warm and comfortable and inviting because people are really talking about difficult topics and topics that are really true and dear to their heart. And that's really spearheaded this kind of anal movement. It's been kind of crazy.

It is an anal movement, what you're doing, because, yeah, it is still very taboo though. It's like the other thing that you do. Where do you think all the taboo comes from? People always ask me that. Why do you think it's so taboo?

I think that again, it's probably the homophobic component. And the reality is that it feels so good.

What's the problem? Especially as a man, I'll never have that honor of being a man and getting, having a prostate. But I feel like in the years I've been doing this, something I've noticed is it's still taboo and people still want to know about anal more than any other subject, which is why I'm so glad that you're here. But also that straight men have started to come around on their own and just say, hey, I'm curious, I hear what you've been saying and maybe I should try it out. You know, maybe I should put a finger in there, a butt plug, you know, but there, it's, it's just in the last few years. So I don't know what you've been doing there, but we're all ready for it.

I mean, yeah, you know, I mean, I think that that has actually been such a huge push and help in terms of everything that we're doing at Bespoke Surgical and also at Future Method and we'll talk about that. I think the, the key component has been breaking down these stigmas in society. You know, I did a study early on in my career and you know that what I do is a referral based practice, right? You go to a doctor, you say, my ass is hurt and then they send you to me. But the reality is, is that most doctors still don't talk about sex and, and they don't ask them on, on a general health physical of like, hey, are you sexually active? What type of sex? Are you engaging? Do you enjoy it? Are you happy? I Mean, those are questions that people just never ask anybody.

No, they don't.

And then I said, well, if doctors aren't asking the questions, my business model is flawed. Right. Because no one's going to refer because they're not actually asking the right questions. And so seven years ago I hired a publicist and a PR team and we said, you know what, let's create a mission. And the mission is, how do we kind of use popular press and push the narrative so that people can get educated and hopefully explore sexually in new ways that they never actually knew was what they wanted and, or possible. And you're so right. I mean, the thing is, when you look at where we've been successful, we've been successful in two areas. Female centered publications and straight like barstool, Sports, Cosmo, Vogue and, and it's interesting because those are, you know, pushing that narrative into the heterosexual world has actually helped us on the gay space because now people are talking about it and people are saying, wow, you know, yeah, I could actually enjoy this and I should offer this to my partner or partners and how do we do it safely? So it's been quite interesting.

That is so interesting. You went in through the straight door to get to the back door. Don't you just love.

Exactly.

Okay, so what are all the things that people want to know about anal? Should we just start there? Off the top of my head, it's going to be painful. How do I clean for it? And you have so much great knowledge in this area.

Sure. So when I first started practicing, I kind of broke things up into categories and that's actually what those pillars are, what is founded in terms of how I practice and it's how do you prepare for anal sex, how do you actually engage or play? And then what is the aftercare? The misnomer of anal sex is painful. It's really. That shouldn't be the case. Anal sex should not be painful. You should not bleed, you should not, you know, be in excruciating pain. That's just not how it should work. People think that you can go from nothing to something big very quickly and you can't.

They always want to go from zero to anal.

Totally. And there are definitely some people that are able to do it, but the majority cannot. And so I usually Recommend Doing a 4 to 6 week protocol of using toys. And it gets people one, to know do they like it or do they find it pleasurable? Two, is it really starts for people to learn the pelvic floor and the anal anatomy. It's not very complicated. There's two things in the ass. It's skin and it's muscle. That's it. And the key is, how do you get the skin to fully relax and how do you get the muscle to relax? Now, if you think of skin, skin itself is very, very thin, especially in the ass. And so by using a toy or a butt plug or a dilating kit, what you're doing is you're kind of strengthening the skin. And I tell people, it's like you and I going to the gym. If we're lifting weights, we get calluses on our hand. It's the same concept. The bar is creating a protective callus. If you're using a toy in your ass a couple of times a week in a very gradual progression, you're going to start creating good, healthy skin that is now strong enough to distend so that you can engage however and whatever you want. And so the process of dilating over four to six weeks allows for the skin to get fully comfortable with opening and then allows for you to understand the three different muscles that are there that sequentially need time to learn how to relax. And so I usually tell people it's a six week process and it's using three toys that come in like a set, small, medium and large. And just like going to the gym, I tell people, do it right when you're showering by yourself. They'll take the toy, a lot of lube, and you'll just like going to the gym. Give me two sets of 12. That's all you need to do.

Two sets of 12. What, like pulses or 12 minutes?

No, in and out. So you're just going to go all the way, hold it there until you hit a little resistance and then come back out. And each time that you go in and out, I usually tell people to re lubricate it so that you're kind of understanding that lube needs to be 360 degrees around. And each time that you're going in and out, you're kind of applying the lube in that area. Plus you're learning how to relax those three muscles. It takes time. And with that said, it's really for people to understand the anatomy of, oh, okay. This is how I actually relax when I'm engaging. And it takes time for the body because the neural mechanism is only really created for shitting. It's like, hey, how do I relax when I'm going to the bathroom? That's it. Now it's okay. How do I take this to the next level? And get to a point where I can fully receive what I want.

So I could see them putting it in and taking it out. But is there a breath work that you explain to them when they're going in and out, how do they relax?

Well, the small toy is really small. It's pretty easy to go in and out. Now with that said though, usually when someone comes to the office and I'm doing an exam, I, I'm asking them to kind of push out. So I usually say push out like you're going to take a shit. And, and what happens is they learn how to relax and they're like, oh, that's interesting. And I said, yeah, when I'm pushing in the, the, the instrument or the toy, if you push out, it now allows for things to fully to open and you can start to kind of work breaths into that. And you know, there's yoga, there's pelvic floor therapy, there's all these things that you learn. But the key is going until you hit resistance, holding the toy there, breathing, taking it back out, re lubricating and doing it again. And not to get frustrated because a lot of people will be like, oh God, this is not happening. And they get really tense and it says, okay, take, say okay, that session is finished. Try it again another time. And you'll start to see that over the next couple weeks that you'll be able to start getting the small in without issues. And then you'll always start with the small toy. Gradually working to the medium and then getting up to the large and through there you'll start to really see. Now if you're bleeding, if you're having pain, if things aren't moving the way that you're thinking, then you should see somebody because there's a lot of people that have predisposed issues, whether it's a hemorrhoid, whether it's a fissure, which is a tear, whether it's some extra skin that developed. I see a lot of post pregnancy women that come to me with some hemorrhoidal skin tissue that causes them issues with just wiping, let alone or feeling sexy from vaginal sex, let alone on an anal perspective. If things aren't gliding the way that you think that they should, then you should see somebody to make sure that we're all on the same page before you push it further.

Who else would they see? Now you're like the most. I feel like there should be nobody else. If anything goes wrong with my anus, I'm getting on a plane to New York. That's what I got to say about that. But yeah, because it's women. It's every. It's really. Yeah, it's. It's everybody with an anus.

That's right.

Which would be all of us. Are there toys that you recommend or you sell in your office or online?

Yeah, so, so on. On my website. Bespoke surgical. Like there's a lot of different toys that are there and different apparatuses to help and then it goes over kind of why I think that they're really great. And also people can get the protocol as well on the website so that people can start doing what they need to to get to where they want.

And that's bespokesurgical.com. let's talk about lube for a minute because if someone asked me like, I got 30 seconds and they're like, give me your best tips for anal. I'm like, breathe, go slow, use lots of lube. Right. That's kind of my thing. If I'm like in a hurry, you know, then if we talk about it. But, but the lube thing, it's like I'm like, apply, reapply. I think silicone lube is, is the best for anal. Typically water based. No one's got time for that to keep reapplying. Reapplying unless they're using toys. We have to use water based with toys. But is that pretty much what you recommend? Yeah.

You know, I think that not all lube is created equal. True, that's for sure. And a lot of people have reactions to certain lubricants. So you just got to really see. Now if I'm playing with toys on my own, I'm using water based because it's just so much easier, easier to clean. And a lot of the toys can't support silicone. So you just got to be careful. If you use silicone with silicone, it actually eats away at some of the rubber and the silicon there. So I usually say for toys and you're not engaging in anal, water based lube is the best. If you're doing pure anal, I agree with you. I think silicon has the best lubricity that is out there. With that said, I love toys before sex or during sex because it's going to allow you to be pre lubricated to be dilated the right way. You know, if you assume that somebody, is that a top or someone that is inserting actually knows what they're doing, you're going to get hurt. So my whole shtick is if you Are a bottom or receiving. You need to be so understanding of all these things so that you minimize your risk. And the way to do that is to. You can be submissive, but you can know, okay, how do I make sure that I dilate before? How do I make sure that I'm using the right lube and. Or what's called a lube shooter, which is basically a syringe that I love.

Shooters.

I love. Oh, it's, it's, it's a game changer. Once you start using the right tools to get you where you want to go, go. And the assumption needs to be. And the goal for bespoke surgical was always how do I empower the bottom? And by empowering the bottom, it's making sure that they're educated, making sure that they're doing everything right. And also assuming that nobody else knows what the fuck they're doing.

Yeah. And if they're on the top. Exactly. The top doesn't know because they're a top. Like, they don't know that you need these things. Like, how would they know? You're right. We have to be our own best anal advocates.

That's right.

Yeah, that's so true. So many times you want to just assume. Like I always just assume my partners knew everything because I didn't know anything, you know, before I had this as my career.

Right, right.

Came to find out that no one.

Knows anything they don't know.

So the other question I get asked all the time is about douching. And I know you have some strong protocol around this too. And I wonder, like I often say that the store bought ones aren't so great because there's the vinegar, whatever, what's in them, or the. But then, but then I heard you say in an interview, so I want to talk, that water isn't great either. So please correct me. Yeah.

So, you know, one of the things in my practice at bespoke was I started to see people coming to me over and over with the same injury or the same std. And then I started to break down into those categories of, well, what are people actually doing? And a lot of people are using really huge bulbs to douche out and clean out. They're using shower hoses. And so we started to look at, well, what are the differences that are causing problems? And there's three things. One is the solution that people are using is not correct, whether they're using water or they're using a store bought enema. And what happens is, is that when you use this, you're actually getting rid of your protective lining in the ass.

It's like douching in the vagina too. That can happen.

That's the same exact concept. And the water and the enema caused so much irritation internally that now you are predisposing yourself to HIV, STDs and injury. And so we said, okay, well, why don't we just develop something that is going to be safe? And that was the impetus of me creating future methods. And future method is all about that, which is like, how do we look at sex and the way that communities engage and then how do we put products to support it? And so I said, okay, why don't we make this our mission? And the first product that we launched with was an appropriate anal douche solution. And the solution is pH balanced very similar to the vaginal side, which is how do we clean and give people what they want, that sexy feeling and clean but without irritating the cells, without causing damage. And so I said, okay, first thing, let's come up with a solution. So we did that. Second thing is let's come up with appropriate education and an appropriate system because I think people are actually over douching.

They're over douching. And then. Right. I don't think that everybody needs a douche if, you know your natural cycle, gone to the bathroom that day, you know, like, I don't think you have to every time people get so, like, what about poop? And then I always say, well, it happens. So throw sheet down like it's messy.

Yes, I agree. And I think that I'm so glad you mentioned that, because the reality is, is that I think 7 to 8 out of 10 people will not have shit anywhere near where you're having sex. And it's just people to understand anatomy, you know, where we're having anal is actually clean. It's when you're having the bowel movement, the crap moves into the anal area and then you shit it out.

Right.

But the rest of that is actually clean. And. And we talk a lot about instead of anal health, gut health, which is how do you make sure you're eating right? How do we make sure we're doing nighttime fiber supplementation so that you shit first thing in the morning and it's like a appropriate and it completely empties you. How do you use toys? And I tell people all the time, like, prove it to yourself. Use a toy without douching on your own. And I bet you nine times out of ten, no poop whatsoever.

Right?

And so I think the stigma Associated with it, your own internal stigma and also society's pressures make people want to douche. And so I said, okay, well if we are going to douche, then how do you do it the right way, the right solution? Also a much smaller bulb. Our bulb is smaller. Why? Well, because you really just need to clean very, very like 8-12 cm internally. You're not talking about a ridiculous amount where you need to clean.

That makes so much sense.

Totally. So the key is like how do you educate people? The anatomy. And again, that's to blame for sexual education in our country. Right. Specifically anal and gay sex. I mean, I hope in my lifetime that there'll be courses that are, you know, really sponsored by the appropriate governmental, you know, government.

I know, I hope that's what I want too. I want it too for everybody. There's no sex education. And then with gay sex, yeah, I could see that. You must have so many people coming in with injuries from years of just not. Where would you go? You see porn and they're not showing you the whole thing. They're not showing you their dilators and building up nothing. There's nothing. So there's more harm. So this is what we're talking about is like the having a healthy microbiome.

Totally. You know, there's a couple of things and there's some stuff coming out that you'll see on the future method side of biome stuff. And we know a couple of things. When you over douche or you're using water, you're actually altering the microbiome. And there's a specific bacteria that we know elevates and when that elevates, you're susceptible to STDs, HIV and injury. So the key is how do we balance all of this? I know what people want. They want a sexy ass that has no shit and is silky and playable. I know that. The issue is how do we now make sure that people are doing it in a way that's not harmful.

We do so many harmful things to ourselves and then we just keep going, assuming it's going to get better. We don't want to ask our doctors because there's so much shame around it. So I love that your site has so much greater education.

I always say less is more. With anal you need to think that in everything. It's like, how do I just create an environment that is going to be safe for everybody and also minimize as much risk as possible because you know, the ass itself is very thin walled. The pressures of sex are greater than really what A lot of that can sustain without you taking these precautions in the right way. And then also like, look, you are going to get hurt every once in a while and you are going to bleed and have some pain. And so the question is, okay, well if that happens, how do I now take care of myself early on so that I don't have these long term complications or see somebody that knows about sexual wellness that's specific to my community?

That makes so much sense. So what do you do for aftercare if you do have tears or just in general?

I think that a lot of it is like a three to five day break of making sure the poops are soft. So add some stool softeners. Epsom salt baths are really great. I use these and love these suppositories which have cocoa butter in them to kind of soothe the lining also even like a preparation age both inside and out. And then after three to five days you should start to see that like, you know, everything's getting better and improving. If things aren't, then the key is really making sure that you see somebody because there's so many things that we can do early on that doesn't need surgical treatment.

Let's say that we've got people now interested and they're like, okay, I'm going to take the precautions. Are there any tips you have for beginner anal?

Yeah, so I mean, I think a couple of things. One is being in control. The first couple of sessions is so important. So a lot of it is just, you know, being on top. Meaning have the person lay down, get them erect or whatever toy they're using. It depends on how you're engaging and you're in control. You're sitting on it, you're trying to manipulate and try to see. Don't let somebody get behind you. If somebody's behind you, they're going to kind of do their thing. And their thing is not really over the best. So the key is kind of, I think bringing in toys to foreplay is amazing, you know, you know, especially like, you know, fine, if you don't want to bring it in because you don't feel comfortable, do it literally right before and again, like when you're douching, when you're cleaning out, if that's what you're doing, use a toy. It helps with getting rid of any extra liquid solution that you use. It'll also lubricate everywhere and get you kind of prepared to then do what you want to. I think you need to find somebody that is super fun but also Communicative so that you can have a really, really good, like, hey, this is my first, or, hey, this is what I want to do. And then can we kind of work together in a really good way where it may not be overtly crazy sexy, but you're learning how to kind of manipulate in the way to then get yourself into a good space with different positions, et cetera. So you got to choose like a friend with benefit or a partner that is really, really understanding and trying to see. And also, you know, don't go crazy big. You know what I'm saying? I know we all like big things, but, you know, choose wisely. The size as well, if you can.

That's right.

That can happen, too, people. Well, what you're saying is, Tony, he'll picture anal as someone coming in behind. But I love what you're saying about it being on. Being on top and lowering yourself down so you're in control. Missionary now makes sense.

And also, any of the positions that you're facing, the partner is actually a really good position because you can see the grimaces, you can see the pain. You could see the pleasure. You can kind of. You're kind of forced to communicate, even if it's not verbally. So, like, I usually tell people, starting in that capacity is a really good way. And then once you kind of get yourself into a really good space, then great. Then you could start to explore and be open to that. I also think that, like, using the toys, I usually tell people, there's a dilator kits that I like. And then, like, if you've passed that, then the next is kind of dildos, which I think are really great because they're lifelike. They'll give you a little bit of understanding of, oh, this is how I can actually relax to achieve what I want. So there is this kind of middle ground before you're kind of jumping on the real thing.

Going back to size. Is it ever a case where it's just too big? You're like, that's just. No. Like, this is just a no, no, no. They text you pictures like Dr. Goldstein, right?

That is the hardest thing to teach somebody, which is when to say no. I mean, even to my kids, right? I mean, you know, you try to, like, in anything, like, well, that's probably not a good idea, right? And with that said, you really need to understand. And using the toys and the dildos will allow you to understand, like, what you're capable of doing now, no matter what. There are definitely people that, as they're using toys and dildos, they cause issues. It's painful. They feel burning. There's a little bit of a tear, and it becomes this restriction that doesn't allow them to engage with what they want. And there's certain things that I can do in the office and in an operating room to help people. A lot of people, their muscle is way too tight. I see people that, you know, we're a lot of peloton users. We're doing a lot of squats. All these things create such beautiful butts, right?

Yeah.

But they're actually getting so much muscle to happen anally. And so what you see is that they're not able to fully, fully relax. I see a lot of bodybuilders come to me because they have so much muscle built up anally that now when we say, okay, relax, they can't. And so I do a lot of Botox where I can inject Botox into certain muscles to give people that relaxation. Also, I give some under the skin line or actually bring people to the operating room to kind of open up both the muscle and the skin to now allow people to do what they want. So the using the toys and the dildos and kind of preparing allows for people to really see, like, oh, well, maybe I do have something that's limiting me, and I do want to engage now. The muscle is really great. You can kind of work that in both capacities, tight and loose. But a lot of times it's the skin that's the limiting factor. And today I had a couple of Skype calls from people where, you know, they go to a surgeon and the surgeon basically cuts the muscle because they're like, oh, they're too tight. But the reality is that, no, they were taking dick and toys before. It's actually the skin. And if you don't correct the skin issues, it's never going to actually heal.

After the break, Alicia Sinclair and I answer all of your anal questions.

Alicia Sinclair is a sex educator and creator of Be Vibe, a groundbreaking company supporting all things analplay. With over 16 years of experience in the sexual intimacy industry, Alicia's made it her mission to help people achieve pleasure by providing them with superior and heavily researched anal products, approachable educational materials, and extensive coaching and Support. Check out Be Vibe's products@bevibe.com I guess we should just break this down for people. The best way to start exploring anal play, if you've never done it before.

If you've never done it, take some time to educate yourself. I would say, like, one of the things that really Drove me really strongly to create what now we call our anal academy is the fact that, like, my first experiences with anal play were not pleasurable because I didn't have any type of knowledge or understanding of what makes anal play pleasurable. And I just thought, like many heterosexual women that I've spoken to, that this was like something you did for your partner. It was like a Christmas or, like, birthday present, and you just, like, got drunk and, like, bear it, and it was not a fun experience. And so I think when you learn that, like, anal training, right? Like slowly graduating through a series of sizes before you experiment with something the size of a penis in your butt using lots of lube.

Right.

Being mentally prepared and just kind of understanding and like, having a dialogue with your partner about, like, limits, consent, like, those type of things can really make your experience. They all sound like annoying rules, but actually they enable, like, really awesome experiences.

Yeah, it's like demystifying it and getting rid of all. You know, there's so many myths around it, there's so many misconceptions. But you're right.

It's just.

Yeah, we just think, oh, it's going to be anal and I'm going to. Yeah, it's going to be your holiday present, like, happy birthday.

Right.

So the best way to start, just start exploring. Figuring out what you like if you don't, with a finger. But it's okay to say to a partner, I'm not ready for that yet. Let's just experiment. Let's explore. Yeah, yeah. We don't want to, like, rush through it. So people are saying anal sex, they just think it means penis goes into the butthole. That's anal. But anal play, what we're talking about is anal play. Is that what do you actually want? Like, is it a finger? Do. Have you done anything before? Do you want to explore? So, yeah, kind of. Let's talk about that. Where do people start on their journey?

I mean, there's anal massage. There's, like, rimming, there's ass worship. There's, you know, like, butt plugs, there's beads, there's dildos. Like, there's really a lot in this category. And then if you're starting, I think kind of the cool thing is, like, what I like is, like, adding a new type of food into your, like, restaurant routine. It's like, there's so many things to try that you've never tried before. And I don't know, it's exciting because, you know, if you're starting, like, to answer your question, to give you. The simple answer, like, your finger is your best sex toy. It's about the size of what you want to start with. And playing with yourself allows you to be giver and receiver, right? So you can control depth, you can control frequency, you know, like that. So your finger is your best friend if that makes you uncomfortable. Like maybe your partner's finger or a small butt plug about the size of your finger.

What are some of the mistakes that you hear from people a lot that they're making with anal?

I think the number one mistake is probably like, people experiencing pain too fast, too quickly and not using enough lube. So it's like we say slow and slippery. Slow and slippery is key.

Yes. Yeah, slow and slippery. That's it. Everyone just remember, am I going slow and is it slippery? Like, then you're just going to cut out a lot of the mistakes that you can make and a lot of the pain because it doesn't have to.

Be painful, it shouldn't be.

Oh, God. I know. So let's get into some emails because we, we let everyone know you were coming on the show, Alicia, and we got so many questions, so I just want to get into them because I thought it's anal sex month. Okay. This is from Sophia. She's 38 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily. My ex always asked for anal and I wasn't into it with him for various reasons, but I'm not fundamentally opposed and I wonder if future partners will ask. So I want to know what you recommend to start with or explore.

Yeah, I like this question because it sounds to me like she's taking ownership of making it pleasurable for herself before she's willing to say yes. So I, like, love the way that's all put together, but I think, you know, experimenting with small sex toys and actually what's, I mean, my personal tip, if you will, like, you know, masturbation. You know, like just adding a little something in the butt feels really good, like in your regular masturbation routine. So that might be a great way to just introduce anal play into your own solo sex life before you, like, move into partner play.

I 100% agree with you. Thank you, Sophia, for your question. This is from Ellie, 24, in Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily. My name is Ellie from Illinois and I'm 24 years old. My boyfriend of two and a half years keeps asking me to eat his anus. He asked me about eating his anus, but I've never heard of it. A guy wanting that done. I also don't even know where to begin. If I did do this for him, please help. Okay.

Yes. Just want to remind everybody that, like, the sensations that you feel in your body have nothing to do with, like, whom you're attracted to. So, like, he likes the way it feels when his butt is stimulated. That's it. It doesn't have anything more to do with anything other than that, like liter. It just feels good. And I would say, like, if that's something you're open to. My kind of trick that I feel like is a great place to start is flavored lube. Find, like a flavor lubricant that you really like. Cherry vanilla, like caramel, whatever your flavor is, use that. Put a lot of lube and then like lick the lube off and like start there. Use it as a foreplay. See how you feel about it.

That's a great place to start. So just, just, yeah, lick off the lube and say like literally eating an ice cream cone.

Yeah.

And you can use kind of the same techniques that you would like. Up and down, right around in a circle.

Right.

You know, back and forth. Yeah, just like you're literally eating an ice cream cone around the outside. Put it, you know, like, get fun with it.

Exactly. Like, make sure something doesn't drip. Like, get it all the way around. And you want to go inside.

Play with those cheeks, smack them around a little bit while you're there.

Because it's not just the whole. Right. It's the whole. You could even massage it, like to open up, to release tension. We all carry so much tension in our anus. So you could give them a massage. This is the spot. Slowing sex down, exploring the whole area. I love. That's a great analingus explanation. And with the flavored lube. So good. Alicia. Ah. Okay, so this is from Becca, 37, in Kentucky. Hey, Dr. Emily. Can a monogamous couple, male, female, share anal toys washed between uses? Of course. I figure if we have unprotected sex, what's the harm in sharing an anal toy? Am I wrong in this line of thinking?

No, you're not. Especially if you're cleaning them properly. I would say my best recommendation would be to use a non vibrating anal toy, because that's something you can sterilize. So what I mean by that is like something that's glass, metal or made of silicone that doesn't have a motor inside. You can boil those toys, you can put them in the dishwasher, and that would make them really, really safe to share. If you still have a little bit of concern, you can Always put a condom on a toy and that makes it. Protects the toy, creates a barrier, and makes it super easy to share. So if you're not fluid bonded with somebody, it sounds like this couple has been together a long time. They're monogamous, so this is probably a very safe scenario for them. But even if you're not with somebody, like, you're not exclusively with somebody, you can do the condom thing and that therefore protect your sex toys.

Makes so much sense. We get so many questions from people who say, how can I share toys? Or how do I. Is it wrong to have toys from one lover to another, it's like, you're not going to throw out an expensive toy, but no way. Put a condom on it. No way. These are my toys.

Put a condom on it.

Whatever you need, it's fine. Just clean them. Just make sure that you clean them. Yes, important. Okay, so I have a question from Instagram about how long. And I've gotten this question a few times. How long can someone leave a plugin?

It sounds like a challenge.

I would say the longest I've heard of anybody wearing one. And I'm sure there are people that wear them for longer amounts of time, but it's like around eight hours. So people often tell us through customer service that they wear them to work. So that's actually a pretty. I mean, at least for us, is something we commonly hear. Our recommendation is two to three hours. Like, take it out re lube. Like, you know, because your body can absorb lubricant. But yeah, two to three hours is our normal recommendation.

Okay, so what do you think that is when people wear them to work? Like, I've worn Kegel balls during the day, weight balls, but it wasn't for anything sexual. It was like, because it actually strengthens your muscles when you're walking around. But I don't know. I haven't gone that deep with anal. Tell me, what do you think?

From what I understand from the folks who've written into us is that they feel like it's kind of like a secret taboo.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it's kind of kinky. And then the other dynamic that I've heard regularly is that it's a dom submissive thing and they've been told to wear it.

Yeah, that's kind of hot too. Or just anyone knowing that. Yeah, no, that is really hot, actually, to be like it's a dom sub thing or just because it is. People don't know. That's why I love the remotes. Because you could also do this with a partner, take it to a restaurant, have the remote, they're wearing the butt plug. No one knows I've done stuff like that, but I'm thinking about going to work and being focused with the butt plugin. But it depends on your job. All right, thank you, Alicia. That's awesome. Okay, so this is from. I love it. I want to read your emails. We get so many emails. I'm sure that you get the best customers emailing you the best emails. We really do.

Yeah. We get a lot, a lot of personal shares because they're so happy.

They can't believe that these products exist and how good they feel.

Yeah, surprisingly.

Yeah, that's it, Alicia. Good on you. Okay, this is from Rick. My wife thinks anal sex is only for gay men. I said read about it and see how many women have tried it. And many women seem to like it if you take it very slow with lots of lube. Any suggestions? Oh, so his wife doesn't want to do it. Yeah. She basically is saying she doesn't believe him. She doesn't think it's anyone should do it. And like, it's not even true that it could feel good to a woman. I suppose. So.

I have, I guess, really two things to say about that. Number one is.

You know, educate together. That can be. And it sounds like he's trying. Right? He said. He said some really, like, key things. Right. Slow and slippery. He had it right there. I think maybe like, sharing some more information could be an idea or reading together or offering anal play in a dynamic that's not penetration. So like maybe some anal massage with fingers so that it's like less pressure, you know, like, that sounds more sensual than like, I want to put my penis in your butt. Like, maybe I could massage you with my fingers and like, we can see if you like that sensation. So, like, start small, I guess, is kind of the key from that. The other part of it is at some point if your partner tells you no, you also have to respect that your partner told you no. And you can try as much as you want, but there is going to be a chance that, like, the person may never, like, come around to that. And you will have to accept that because that is a boundary for them.

All really good points. What about anal massage? How would someone start with anal massage?

You can use massage oil, especially if you're just playing with fingers. Right. Rub that and then, you know, maybe start on the outside and squeeze and like play around a little bit and then maybe just move. We have on our blog Which I'm happy to, like, send. You know, like a whole thing with different finger massages. Oh, there's different techniques, you know, sort of like around the hole, if you will, little circles and, like, sort of spreading and putting back and maybe just dipping a fingertip here and there while you're, like, erotically massaging. So, you know, that's like using the whole area as inspiration.

Okay. This is from Bella. She's 27 in British Columbia. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been dating my boyfriend for two months. Ish. I'm absolutely in love with him. I'm having the best sex of my life. He's never had anal sex, but he recently brought it up. I've tried it in the past, but I didn't enjoy it, and I've never done it sober. He's quite large, and it's been uncomfortable and painful with smaller penises. However, I want to have this experience with him. How can I prepare and make this good for both of us? Thank you. Love you.

Oh, what a sweetheart. I love her the best sex and she wants to have even better sex. I love her.

I love her, too.

Okay, so I would say definitely a training set is going to be key in this scenario. And what we mean by training is, like, literally think about exercise, you know, so you're going to, like, think about butt plugs as, like, yoga stretches. You know, you're going to go further and you're going to take your time and you're going to listen to your body and do it when it's, like, appropriate for you and it feels good. It's not a race. So. But I would say, like, plan and, like, take your time and definitely, like, you know, read up a little bit more on anal training. That would be a good idea because if you're preparing for penis and you want it to feel good, right, you need to be using sizes appropriate. So I would probably try and find a toy, like, before you go to penetration that's maybe like, one to two fingers smaller than the girth of the penis. So when I'm talking about fingers, I'm really talking about width versus length.

Okay.

So, like, maybe, like, look at that penis and, like, find a sex toy that's, like, slightly smaller. Do it and, like, work your way, you know, towards that. And then when you're. When you've reached that last plug, if you will, then you may be ready for the penis.

I love this question because we get so many of these. You know, it was painful before. My boyfriend just wants anal sex. So what we're trying to explain in the show, which is why I love Alicia being here, is that it's playful. It's a buildup. You don't just jump right into anal, you get to build up to it. And that's fun. It's not like it's a training because you're going to get to this apex. No, this is actually all really pleasurable and enjoyable.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering this the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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