All the Sexy Thought Work with Kara Loewentheil

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People don't understand what believing means. They think believing means. I naturally think this thought all the time and I don't have any contradictory thoughts. That's not what believing a thought means. Believing a thought means when I think it, in that moment, I get a physical, chemical change in my body, right? And that's why people are always so confused, because they're like, well, I believe these two things at once. I'm like, yeah, you probably believe 37 things that don't make sense together. It's just, which ones are we going to practice thinking? So they become the default thought and those neural connections get stronger and the neural connections for the other thoughts that we don't want to keep thinking wither away. That's the work.

It's not practice. Yeah, it's a practice.

Belief has to happen in your body. It is not. People think like when they believe a new thought, it should be like. I always say it's like the, in a movie, when in a wedding, they're like, does anyone object? Right? They want to say the New thought. And then they're like, well, I guess I don't believe it because my brain had some objections. I'm like, your brain will literally have objections to anything.

Everything.

Thanks for listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by master certified life coach Cara Lowenthal to talk about her podcast, unfuck your brain and how women can be empowered without feeling completely anxious all the time. Topics include what is thought work, and how can it help you have a better outlook on your mental health? And how you see yourself rethinking how our thoughts connect to our emotions and some healthier ways to do so, how kink is actually a great way to practice thought work in the bedroom. And why you can't just say a new belief. You have to feel it to believe it. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Be in bed.

Feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. you're gonna love our website. Check it out. Great untapped resource for you. And then also our social media. Everywhere is sex with Emily. So follow us there. It's a good time. Okay, Intentions with Emily. For each show, I want to start off with you by setting an intention. I do it. I want you to do the same. So what I mean is, when you're listening right now, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? It could be. I've heard about all this thought work. What is it and how can it help me with my self esteem and anxiety in the bedroom? Or I just want to feel empowered in all aspects of my life and my thoughts aren't helping. My intention for the show to give you some new avenues, new practice, connect your thoughts and emotions in a way that's going to better serve you so you can feel Stronger in your mind, in your body, and in and out of the bedroom. So enjoy the show. Welcome to the show. Carl Lowenthal, master certified life coach. You teach high achieving feminist women. We're going to get into what that means. A feminist blueprint of sorts for creating confidence so you can get what you want in life. You are very funny and very smart and I'm excited that you're here and your podcast, unfuck your brain. Thank you for being here today.

I'm so excited to be here.

Tell me about your podcast. What empowered feminist women don't always feel like we're feminists. What? Tell me about that.

Yeah, so can relate. Of course. Yeah. I think a lot of women. Right. And even, you know, I do often talk about feminism, but it's not like the podcast is only for people. Yeah, I didn't get that as feminist, but I think, like, even whether you identify with a label or not, I think a lot of women have experienced kind of growing up in a society. There's a lot of mixed messages. Right. In modern society, like, on the one hand, we're sort of getting these messages that women can do whatever they want and things are more equal and women should make as much money as men. Right. Like, some of the social messaging has evolved from the past 50 to 3,000 years, but at the same time, we haven't fully made the transition to true equality. Right. So we're also getting messages that like, especially for women, what you look like is the most important thing. Are you sexually attractive to men? You're not as competent. You might have just gotten your job cause you're a woman. Like, you get all these mixed messages. And so the podcast is really my way of trying to teach people how to understand what's going on in their brain in general, which is like a human problem. But then with women in particular, I think have like a particular set of confusing thought patterns or emotions they don't understand that are created by that socialization.

Yeah, I. Absolutely. I mean, that's what I love you call it thought work. I love the way you break it down. Because it's like we have so many limiting beliefs that we're holding ourselves back. We always think, like, something's wrong or I gotta change it. But really when you could kind of get into your brain and get those thoughts down and realize, like, what has served me, what isn't serving me. So let's talk about some of those, like, limiting beliefs and how I love how open and honest you are about your journey, that you've Been on. So let's just start with that.

I mean, I feel like you could pick any area of a woman's life, and there's gonna be a thousand limiting beliefs. And what's. What's. So I think sneaky is that you don't. If they, like, came with a sticker that said, like, limiting belief number 312, you'd be like, oh, okay. But they don't. They just sound like your true thoughts. Right. Just sounds like, well, you know, my belly's a little too soft, so that's not attractive. Or like.

And no one's gonna like me.

Yeah.

Therefore, once I lose five pounds and everyone's gonna like, I should have sex.

With the lights off because, like, I don't look good on top. Or, you know, and anywhere to, like, the boardroom. And, like, well, my ideas. Maybe it's just not as good an idea. You know, I used to be a reproductive rights lawyer. And so I remember, like, sitting in meetings I was at, you know, one of the top two national organizations for reproductive rights, meaning all the lawyers in the room are, like, the country experts. There's nobody who knows more than we do about it. Like, we're the people who do the big cases and still in meetings, you know, and it's an almost all woman staff. So, again, like, you'd think should be an environment. Right. Where women would feel empowered, but people are still just constantly reflexively saying, like, well, I don't know if this is a good idea or maybe this is dumb or whatever else.

So you mean, like, as qualifiers for to speak.

This might be.

But you're gonna think this is stupid. But. Or is it okay if I speak? But. And the men aren't. They're just saying it as fact.

Right. But what's really. Like, we didn't even really have that many men there at the time. Right. So it's not like one woman in the board.

Yeah, we're not blaming men.

No, of course. But also just like, some of. What is to say, you'd think if any group of women were going to feel super confident and empowered about their work, it would be like, yeah, these experts in the field in a woman only, not woman only, but mostly women organization that works on women's rights, and we're still having that problem. So that was part of my kind of.

Because you were a lawyer, you went to Harv.

Correct.

Very impressive. You didn't mention it yet. They always say, like, if people go Harvard, they tell you in the first 30 seconds, but Cara did not Mention that, but that's impressive. So you did the thing. Your parents, you would go to college, and then you're a lawyer, and you're sitting here, you're like, this is not. This is not my jam.

Yeah. I think I've always been, like, a professional feminist one way or another, right? So. And I used to do it legally, and now I do it in a different way. But I think that I, like a lot of people, and especially women, was raised to think, like, okay, well, if I just get these accomplishments, I'm finally going to feel good enough about myself. Right? Like, we internalize that logic. And so even though it hasn't worked the first 15 times, right. Like, I went to Yale for undergrad. I wasn't like, okay, now I feel great. I was like, no, now I have to get into a good law school. Okay. I went to Harvard for law school. Oh, no, now I have to get, like, a clerkship. Now I have to get the next thing for a lot of people, really, of any gender. And I find this happens with my clients also. Like, I think, like, mid-30s to mid-40s is where often people start to kind of be like, I've been running this race now for a while, and, like, I've gotten all the things I thought I was supposed to get, and I'm not happy. And I still feel crazy. Like, what is going on?

Yes, I'm not happy. I'm not satisfied. And then people say to you're so successful. Look what you've done. But it's never enough. I've been on this very similar path. Like, how do you. And then it's like, well, be grateful. Like, find gratitude. Do you're grateful every night for the Journal?

And, like, I just call that gratitude spackling. It's like when you try to, like, spackle some gratitude on.

It doesn't work. Sometimes gratitude. Even my friend's husband was saying to me, she's like, gratitude. Just corny. Like, I don't like saying gratitude. I'm like, okay, I get it. What do you. He says appreciation instead.

So it totally doesn't work. Because if you feel shitty about something, telling yourself to be grateful is not worse.

It's like another thing.

And I'm not grateful.

I'm not grateful. God damn it. So then, what the hell? How did you start peeling back these layers, which is what I love about your. Your podcast and the work that you're doing with clients. And we'll get into that, because people can sign up and they can take a monthly coaching with you in listening to your shows and reading your stuff, it's like, I feel like we've done the meditation, we've done the yoga, we've done the therapy. Like, I'm living in la. Like, I just spent three hours in oxygen chamber last night. I'm not kidding. I did hyperbaric chamber. I mean, I literally, I am on the edge of it. But yet what I. For me, it's been, what are the thoughts? Are they serving me? You know, Byron, Katie's work is so great. Is it true? Does it serve you? So tell me about your path now.

I, like, need to know a lot about oxygen chambers because I didn't even know that was the thing.

We'll go after you're in LA for a few days. I'll take you.

My friend has already tried to make me do the floats. I didn't like that.

Oh, you know the sensory depriv. Yeah, that's really cool too.

It's in the family, but so, I mean, I have always, I think, been interested in. Yeah, I went at 16. I was like. I was like, hi, parents, please send me to therapy. I think I should go.

Right?

It's same thing. Done yoga and meditation. I have always had, you know, you could call it like being a seeker, but that is very, like, hippie spiritual in a way I don't identify with. I think I just was always like, everybody seems crazy and there has to be a way of being a human that is, like, not so unhinged. Like, somebody must have figured out how to do this in a way that feels better. And so.

So what is it? Instead of seeker? Because I. My mom's like, oh, she's just. My parents are Michigan. Oh, Emily. She's our free spirit in California. I'm like a seeker searcher. But what else were.

I don't. I, Like Socrates also was that person. Like, I just think there are people who are, for whatever reason, just want to under. Want. Like, I think there are people who go through life and they don't necessarily feel the need. And I don't think it's better or worse. They're probably a lot happier. Like, I always wonder, not thinking about not having this metacognition about, like, what is the purpose of life? What am I doing here? What is the good life? How am I making my decisions? Why am I the way I am? And then some of us are just. I feel like since I was, you know, since I can remember, any intellectual interest, it's always just been like, what is the human experience? Why is it like this and like, what are other people experiencing and how do we bridge that? You know, So I don't know what the word for it would be, but it. I did go see him. I mean, I think I must have studied Socrates in college. But then I went to a play recently about his life and I was hilarious because I was sitting there being like, this is. You'd think this would seem very different from my life because it's about a like, Greek teacher, you know, Greek man, but thousands of years ago. But I was like, these are the questions I ask my clients. Like, I just think humans. Yeah.

The unexamined life is not worth living. Like, what? So I get it. And some people don't. I'm like, there's some. Ignorance is bliss. It must be. I have no idea. But.

Right.

If you're not exempt.

But it's also like, we're not taught that. Right. It's like an educational failure in some way. Because, like, when I learned about Socrates, nobody was like, this is actually very relevant to your daily life, these questions. It was not presented like that. It was like this old dead white man did these things. And like, now we have to study this with all the other old dead white men. Right. I mean, it's not presented like it was going to be actually relevant or useful. And I think if more people knew, like, when I found my teacher, I mean, and this goes back to your question about what was my journey? Like, I'd studied a lot of different things, but from, you know, when the person arrives who can say it in the way you can hear it, you're at the right place, it clicks. And when I found my teacher, I sort of was like, you know, wait, what? My. The thoughts caused my feelings and I can change them and they're not all true. Like, what are you talking about? This was after, like, years of therapy, just nobody had said it in this, like, clear way that I could understand. And so, you know, I think there are. Maybe there are some people who just don't. Are just happy and don't feel any need to think about these things. But I think a lot of people are. Are very unhappy and they just literally don't know. Like, I was like, why did I learn trigonometry and not this?

Like, why aren't we teaching these life skills? Right. Like, I should have learned their negative thoughts are not them. Their thoughts are not the truth. Your thoughts are not the truth. Would have been so helpful to know when I was like, no kidding. For me, it started like, in college. I Would say, my freshman year is when I was like, what the hell is going on? Like, why? What is wrong with my brain? I kept going, like, why can't I control this? Why are these thoughts happening? And it's because you had your teacher. I think it's true, though. Like, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Who is your teacher?

My teacher is Brooke Castillo of the Life. Her coaching school is called the Life Coach School. She has a podcast called the Life Coach School Podcast. And she. So my work in this. The feminist kind of social justice angle, that is my work. That's not her work, but her work really introduced me to. And I had studied by Nikita. You know, she just. Whatever it is, you find the teacher that speaks to you. And the model that she teaches is very analytical in some ways, and I'm very analytical. So I, like, really, like, that's the thing.

You got to keep search. It's like podcasts, like, anything. Like, there's a lot of people talking about coaching or sex or empowerment. You just find people who speak to sex positions.

You just gotta find the ones that work.

Exactly, exactly, Exactly. Just like that. So you started exploring, and your thoughts are not the truth.

Yeah.

And you started examining that and realizing in all these areas of your life, like, breaking it down. And a lot of that you've done, which I thought was so interesting in talking about your body image, feeling good about your body. And I think that that is something that we. We struggle with everybody, men, women. And I think it could kill us from having great sex, because in the bedroom, we're worried. We're like, well, I will be dateable or lovable until I lose weight, so. And I know it's sort of a similar process, but can you kind of talk about that journey?

Yeah.

Sound like that was one of your first places where you were peeling back layers or.

Yeah, I think it's huge. And it's all. It's almost hard now that I don't spend 80 of my mental energy thinking about that, to remember what that was like. But I do because I see it in my clients, and it completely ties into the feminist angle also. Right. Because I think, what are women spending their time doing? Like, we're spending our time, like, thinking about how many calories we ate or, like, did we go to the gym or. And these days it's like, hipper to call it wellness and not dieting, but it's like the same fucking bullshit. Right. What did I like? What does my body look like? Do other people like it? Is it perfect? Does it look like the magazines? Did I. Was I good or bad with my eating? Was I good or bad with my working out? It's just like this constant mental, exhausting chatter. So I did work on the body image stuff first, and I think for me, there were two important parts of it. One of it was it wasn't like I had never. I mean, it was interesting because I had been an active and intellectually engaged feminist for a long time, but I just had, like, not really encountered, I think, some of the critiques of diet culture that I encountered. So part of it was like, changing my thoughts around. Like, well, wait, why do I feel guilty when I eat a certain thing? Like, is food moral? Why? Right. Like deconstructing all of that and seeing how different it's been in different societies from time to time. Different body shapes have been prized. Right. Seeing that, you know, I think, like, there's all these actually even big picture economic, like, when there's. When food is scarce, bigger bodies are prized. In a society, when food is abundant, smaller bodies are. It's like always kind of, what can the rich and elite spend their time doing? That's what's prized and what's different from the norm. So part of it was unpacking, like, the political angle of it, and then part of it was. And I think there's a lot more conversation around that these days. But that doesn't always. That doesn't translate straight into feeling better about your body. Right? That's the divide. And so I think, because partly I started with my body image, I kind of learned the value of practicing new thoughts all the time. And very, very small, neutral step thoughts, which to me are the key to body image work, which is like, we hear that we're supposed to love our bodies becomes one more thing we're failing at and to feel guilty about. And then the people who are teaching us are like, you know, look in the mirror and, like, tell yourself that you're a beautiful fertility goddess. But, like, you can't go there when your thought is, my stomach is disgusting. Right. And so I really did a ton of work with what I call ladder thoughts or neutral thoughts, which are like, ladder, ladder. Like a thought ladder. Like one step up a ladder from your current thought to what you want to believe. And I have a whole podcast episode about it. Okay, so like, as an example, let's say your current thought.

I mean, I'm starting with body image, but you did this on dating this or anything. You do it on dating, you on your beliefs around finding A partner. Your beliefs around love. Your beliefs around sex. So let's talk about the ladder.

Yeah. So let's say at the bottom of the ladder is, my stomach is disgusting. Right. And the top of the ladder, what you want to believe is like, I'm incredibly attractive. Whatever it is, you know, whatever your thought would be, I. You have to start with something that you can believe now. And so a neutral thought would be something like, that's a human stomach. I have a human stomach. Lots of people have stomachs that look like this. This is a stomach. I have many body parts, including a stomach. It's like something your brain can't argue with. It is not going to feel amazing. It's not supposed to. It's supposed to feel 10 degrees less terrible. Right? That's how you tell. You think your terrible thought that feels horrible and fills you with shame. And then you think this new thought you want to practice. And if you feel any lighter in your body at all, I mean, that's the funny thing about thought work. We call it thought work. It's a very embodied practice. Your body is what tells you if you believe something or not. So you have to check in with your body. If you feel a tiny bit better when you think that neutral thought, that's a great thought to practice. And then you can keep doing that process.

Can we. Can I stop you there? Because embodiment is something that has been such a journey for me, and I think a lot of people is that. Yeah. So you don't recognize your thoughts. And really, they say it actually can start in your body. Like, your body actually can start to tell you something when you have a thought. Or it works at the same time. But let's just say we recognize our thought. And then you say, go to your body. Give an example of what you feel. Because I had to be like, for years, I was like, I don't feel in my body. I would buy a therapy. She's like, where do you feel it? I'm like, I'm out. It's like, when I was in my 25, my therapist said to me, where do you feel this in your body? I wasn't ready for that work yet. I'm like, what? Nowhere. I just feel anxiety. I don't feel anything but that. Let's break that down. But now I've done a lot of work around. So, yeah, talk to me about your journey. Like, when you were like, I think.

We'Re encouraged women, first of all, women are encouraged. Women in particular are encouraged to see their bodies as Objects that they're going to manipulate and refine for other people's visual enjoyment and not as like a physical home that you live in. So we're taught to disconnect from our bodies and then we're taught to do a bunch of stuff that feels physically uncomfortable in that goal. So we're taught to disconnect from hunger and fullness because we're supposed to be dieting and losing weight. We're taught to disconnect from pain because we're supposed to get waxed or whatever else.

Right.

We're taught to.

Doesn't hurt that bad the sixth time they wax your butthole.

Right? Whatever it is, right? So I think like, and then a lot of women also experience sexual trauma that may cause them, right, to want to disconnect from their body.

And even if they practice of like.

Shutting down, disassociate, and even if they don't, even if they don't go through some kind of severe trauma, I just think as a woman, when you're encouraged to think about sex as this thing that is supposed to make other people feel good and is like a verdict on your value, of course you're not focused on how does this feel in my body. You're just up in like, do they seem happy? Do they seem like they like me? Are they validated?

How's my blow job? Do they know my stomach? Do they see that my boob is weirdly shaped?

Right, Right. So we're, and we're just, and we're socialized to critique our bodies constantly. So I mean, I think most humans are afraid to be in their bodies, but women get this particular version of it. So. And then what happens with thoughtwork sometimes is that people. The reason I think that like positive thinking gets a bad rap or mindset work gets a bad rap sometimes is that people are trying to do it without ever checking their body to see if they believe it. So it's just an intellectual exercise. And then of course, it doesn't really help, right? And I think like I had, I'm one actually my male clients early on when I was doing one on one coaching, I remember him saying he was very adamant that he like didn't have any feelings, right? And I was like, okay, how do you know you need coaching then if you don't have any feelings? Like, why are we here? And he was like, well, I know I'm anxious all the time. And I was like, okay, how do you know you're anxious? Right? And like, of course it was. Well, I just like My heart's going really fast and I feel like I can't breathe. And I was like, yeah, that's your body, right. You have to come back to your body. So in my mind, it's wisdom in.

Our body and we're just disassociate. And I'm in totally.

And in my model, I think our thoughts cause our feelings. So you may experience the feeling first. You might feel it in your body before you're conscious of a thought. But I believe that a thought causes it. And so you have to work backwards sometimes and be like, why am I.

I think that's the best way. I think that's. There's so many different ways to think about it. But I. For me, that has been helpful, the thought, because that's so pre. I'm such a thinker.

And that's what you can change. Right. I mean, the problem with, you know, a feeling is really just a feeling. I always. The way I teach is like a feeling can be described in one word. And it probably fits into like the feeling five to six feelings that, you know, primates and humans, it's. Right. It's like happy, sad, angry, disgust, joy, whatever they are. There's not that many.

There's one that's sexual. They say sexual, but we always leave that out. But like, I think the fifth is sexual.

Yeah, like. But it's a basic. You might have a fancier word for it, but we're talking about a basic thing in your body. It's not. I just feel really.

It's like anger. We should really. Because I think it's anger, fear, joy, sadness.

Yeah. Some people include humor, like getting ready to laugh.

Yeah. I think that's joy, though.

Maybe some people include disgusting.

Yes, that disgust is one. I guess that's anchors anger. Yeah. And then there's. And then I was reading something recently. They're like sexual attraction or sexual ones, which makes so much sense. But those are the basic.

Yeah, it's like the theories might vary, but we're talking between five to seven.

So when you have a thought. So I'm gonna go back to this latter theory because we are going to circle back. But when you said eventually, but like, you're like, okay, I'm gonna have a neutral, objective thought about my body, that it's okay, it's a. It's a stomach and it works.

Right. Does my stomach should do.

And then you check in at that point with, how do I feel? So would you feel out of the feeling words? Is it more like in your body? You're like, well, that made my stomach tingle. Or that made my heart race.

Yeah. I think to do a thought ladder, what usually works is to call up the really negative feeling you're having. And then when you're doing a neutral thought, you're not. It's not going to, like, super change often. So really what you're looking for is just, like, a reduction in the intensity of the sensation is the way I would describe it. Like, so if you feel, like, flooded with shame when you think, oh, my body is disgusting, and then you think, like, there are bodies that look. There are other bodies that look like mine. The best way I can describe it. What. I mean, it's funny. All clients end up saying the same thing. So I think this is just the way to describe it is just, like, you feel it. It's like, a little lighter. It's like the. Just the volume on that sensation got, like, turned down a little bit. That for a neutral thought. Now sometimes you stumble on a thought that you can believe that actually feels great. And then you might have a comp. I mean, that's what's so crazy about the brain. You may have a completely different emotional experience very quickly where you. Yeah. All of a sudden you're like, oh, I feel joy or happiness or proud. You know, Like, I feel like I went from feeling my stomach is a sinking pit to, like, my. It feels, like, rising and, like, opening, you know, so it depends on basically whether. But for, like, a neutral thought, I really think, like, it's unrealistic to think you're gonna go from feeling horrible to feeling amazing overnight. That's like, we want the quick fix.

Such unrealistic expectations.

Yeah, we're going for, like, 5 to 10% less terrible. And we're gonna practice that for a while. You're gonna have to put in some work, and then your baseline will be that 10% less terrible. And then we're gonna go to the next 10%.

Like, so after that would be like, do you do this all on a session, like, in your thought ladder coaching work? And then the next one would be like, is this what you. You kind of break it down for everyone?

Yeah, but I would. I. Usually you need to practice a new thought for a while so the thought ladder can be flexible. Like I said, sometimes you'll brainstorm a few different thoughts to try, and you try on the positive one, and actually your body does change, and you can be like, oh, I already can believe that. People don't understand what believing means. They think believing means. I naturally think this thought all the time. And I don't have any contradictory thoughts. That's not what believing a thought means. Believing a thought means when I think it, in that moment, I get a physical chemical change in my body. Right? And that's why people are always so confused, because, like, I believe these two things at once. I'm like, yeah, you probably 37 things that don't make sense together. It's just, which ones are we going to practice thinking? So they become the default thought and those neural connections get stronger, and the neural connections for the other thoughts that we don't want to keep thinking wither away. That's the work.

It's not practice. Yeah, it's a practice.

Belief has to happen in your body. It is not. People think, like when they believe a new thought. It should be like. I always say it's like the. In a movie, when in a wedding, they're like, does anyone object? Right. They want to say the new thought. And then they're like, well, I guess I don't believe it because my brain had some objections. Like, your brain will literally have objections to anything.

Everything. That's your brain. I mean, essentially, it feels like it's your job to, like, break you down, but then it's. You realize that it's you. So it's like your thoughts are not. I love that your work, because it gets so specific to make people feel like that we have choices. I guess we feel like we don't have a choice. And then you go down the hole of believing everything. And that's when depression happens and anxiety and we're totally out of the moment. So I just think it's interesting that you're working people to changing their thoughts and then how does that work into relationships as well? I love listening to your podcast about, like, how you say. We're saying, like the last five years, like this journey you've been on and about how you have been, you know, you were single or you were dating and you had all these thoughts about dating. Like, you went through your journey like there won't be anybody. But then people are intimidated by me. Men aren't gonna like me. I get so frustrated when I hear people say these things, although it's so much easier. You know, I'm. I've had similar thoughts, but, like, there's no men, there's no women, there's nobody in LA. There's nobody here. And I'm like, there's 6 million people here.

What are you talking about?

People than ever. But I love the way you. You you kind of deconstructed that process for you.

Yeah, I mean, I think the problem with dating, like the problem with some workplaces is that you can surround yourself with people who all agree with you and your thoughts and it becomes this echo chain. Like if you talk to all your single friends, they're all also mostly single because of those thoughts. And so you all share the same thoughts. And so then you're just constantly in a little like focus group talking about how there's no right sharing all your negative thoughts and believing them all with each other. Yeah, I think that, that, you know, for women especially, or socialized to.

You know, basically believe. And obviously, like, if you're straight, it's a little bit different, but you still grow up in the same society. I mean, if you're not straight, it's a little bit different. But like, we're just basically socialized to believe that a woman's deepest satisfaction is in her romantic relationships. Even when a woman is like famous in her career, everybody's very interested in what's going on in her. A romantic life more so than with men. Right.

That you're incomplete without a romantic partner. And that especially if you're a straight woman, like being chosen by a man is like the thing that's going to bring you the final, like self confidence.

That'll be really happy, then you'll be really happy. Yeah, once I get the rose.

Yeah. And so. Yeah, exactly. And so not surprisingly, that causes a lot of thoughts that are not that helpful. Right. So there's a lot of scarcity thinking of like, there isn't enough or there's enough to go around. There's something wrong with me if I don't have this thing.

And so for me. And then obviously the body image plays in a lot. Right. But people, people can come up with any. I mean, one of the things that you start to notice when you do this work is that in the beginning, all your thoughts seem really logical and true. And you're like, okay, this makes sense. My brain has given me a very comprehensive explanation that totally.

They literally are constantly doing PowerPoints to show you the brain, it all true. And here's all the evidence it's been true.

But then over time, you see your brain keep. So like, if you have this fundamental belief, like, I can't find a partner, it's like, so first your brain's like, well, it's because your body. Then you do all your body image work. You're like, oh, I love my body. And your brain's like, okay, it's because of, like, you're intimidating, or it's because you want. Like, after a while, you start to notice the pattern. That's part of why thoughtwork gets easier over time, where you're like, all right, brain, You're. It's like you're like a hired hack, right? Like, you. Or like, I always think about, like, a witness who will change its story on the stand when it's called out. Like, your brain is just like, I'm just really sure there's something wrong with you, and I'm just gonna come up with a lot of different things it could be.

All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break. And we come back more of Cara.

I think for me, too, it was in my 40s. It's like a journey of finally realizing, like, oh, wait a minute. There you go again. Because you believed this three years ago, but all the things that you thought was why you didn't feel successful or loved have all changed. But you have the same feeling.

Yeah. And even on a smaller scale, you might. Boyfriend pointed out the other day that, like, I have, like, a certain thing that, you know, like, I'll get anxious about certain thing that comes up, and every time I'm like, oh, it's because of this and this or this interaction. And he was like, okay, but, like, you know, you say that, but then, like, we had the same conversation about this other interaction. The same conversation about this other interactions. Like, maybe it's not the interactions. And I was like, oh, shit, I'm a common denominator.

Yeah.

But, yeah, like, you can see it even in small or big. It's like, you just. If you start to pay attention. And this is why, like, even without coaching, I think meditation helps people. Right. Mindfulness and awareness. You just start to be like, oh, that's a pattern. I noticed that, like, my brain likes to play this tape, and I'll just, like, attach it to whatever circumstance happens to be around me right now, whatever person. And that. That is one of the big things that happens in dating, right. Is that. Especially in dating and relationships, I think people struggle because they're so. We're so taught that it's the other person who's causing your feelings and that they're the reason you feel the way you do. And that, like, if it doesn't work out, it's because there's. It's them. Right. And I just think we. We think it's like 80 the other person, 20 us. And it's like, 99 us.

99.

The other person, they're like a. It's like, I teach my clients, especially on a first date. You're on a first date with you, you have no idea who that person even is. They're completely a green screen for you to project all of your, like, unmanaged mind onto.

Well, I love when you were saying that. You're like, I realize that, like, you. You. You built a story. You went out with a few guys, and then you were like, oh, well, this is. You made stories about men because of these. These three dates. And you also talk your. Your idea about love also being your own thoughts and how that could also help with, like, relationships and breakups and.

Right. You want someone else to deliver love to you. It never works.

I would say it's not gonna drive down the chimney, like, that man, that guy, that love, that confidence, right?

And you see people, like, go through multiple relationships with the same. It's like if you're. If you have the same story about every relationship you've been in, like, what is the common denominator? Right? And it's like, we think what's empowering, I think, is sometimes we think it's like, oh, I can see my pattern leads me to choose the wrong people. I'm like, no, what if just your pattern just keeps playing out and, like, really has nothing to do with whether they were the wrong people or the right people or anything else? Like, if you don't know how to create love with your thoughts, you will never feel it. And you will go out with 10. You could go on 10 million dates, and every one, you'll be like, well, I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't feel loved. Like, one of the most powerful thoughts that I play within my relationship and that I teach my clients is what. And I think, especially for women, because of this, being raised to, like, we want that. That validation is, what if your partner never had to prove they loved you again? Like, we are running so much of what the other person is doing through this metric of constantly evaluating. Like, does it show they love me? Are they validating me? Are they making me feel good about myself? Like, are they approving of and accepting me again today? I know you did yesterday, but what about today, right? There's this New Yorker cartoon that I love where the woman is like, it's a woman and a man. She's like, but did you marry me as a friend or Mary, marry me, right? It's like, they're married.

We walked down the aisle, right?

But there's. But you I get it. So funny, right? No, of course you get it. Like, the reason it's so funny is because it's so true. You can 100 imagine if what you do is train your brain to look for evidence that you're not loved. That is all you will ever do. And it doesn't matter what the other person does. They can propose, you can get married, you can have three children, you can renew your vows. It's not. It's not never going to matter.

You're always going to feel unloved. And then that could go back to your childhood, which. That's also, you know, something that we have to work out. Go back, figure out your childhood, if that's still holding you back. But then you have to, like, accept it, integrate it.

You have to change the thought pattern. Yeah. Like, recognizing that it's from your childhood is not going to change it for you because your brain is like, we understand that if you train a muscle to do something, it will do that. Right. Your brain is like muscle memory. Like, if you train yourself to write with your right hand, you can't all of a sudden be like, well, I had the insight that it would be possible to write with my left hand. I don't know why it's not magically happening.

You got to do the work. We just don't want to do the work. But I think what you're saying about relationships is so. It's so true that, that whether you're in a relationship or you're single dating is that it's. It's just like, I think we actually both did this. I took a year off from dating, and I think you took a year or six.

Yeah.

And it was such a. I did it because it takes up so much mental space and then time and you got to go out with someone and you got to, like, think about them. And I was like, I actually want to work on myself. I did some deep dive into some deep new therapy. I had a new radio show at SiriusXM. It was just a lot in the last year. And it's such a. At first you're like, your brain keeps circling back to love and dating. And once you're like, oh, no, we're not thinking about that for a year or even for a month. It is your brain, like, you see, it adapts. There's so many other things that you can, like, work on and focus on. And so maybe you could talk about that journey coming out of that, how important that was. Like, just to realize, like, yeah, it.

Was better partners it was super important at the time, but I'm now having the experience of being like, oh, of course. Because when I change my circumstance back and I'm in a new. I'm in a relationship, my brain is right back to let me focus on this. And so I'm having still to retrain my brain. Right.

That's such an interesting example, if you don't mind.

Yeah, yeah. Like I so meaning like, so if you. Part of what I teach is like, if you change your circumstance, it's not going to change your thoughts and feelings. Right. Because you've got your brain habit so you can do something like. And I'm still very glad I did it. Take a break from dating, partly because it's showing me what's happening to my brain now.

Because you, you have that time.

Yeah, I have that example of being like, what was this? Like, okay, so I like remove. I changed my circumstance. I removed the option for my brain to think about that by just opting out. And I learned something from that process. Right. And I think for me it was really important to the. The reason that was so important for me was breaking the association basically, like embracing singleness and being unpartnered as a choice. Not just as like, this is what it is right now while I'm looking for the next person, but like I could be happy the rest of my life like this. This is a choice that there's nothing wrong with, which I intellectually believed but hadn't been willing to live yet. So that was crucial. I'm so glad I did that. And I am in a very different kind of relationship now afterwards. But what I do see with my brain now is that, yeah, that was a great six months, but I had 30 years before it of training my brain to think about communication and validation. And I still see my brain doing that in my current relationship. And it's like something I actively have to work on is that my brain. I've taught my brain that my relationship status is something I need to think about a lot. That communication in a relation. Like I've just given it all of these co. I've like built these programs in my brain and let them run for 25 years and they just want to keep running. Right. And so it has nothing to do with how my boyfriend's actually acting, how strong our relationship actually is, has nothing to do with any of that. And it's so interesting to date someone who, you know, he has his own, whatever share of crazy brain issues, but not about relationships. So, like, what his brain Thinks about communication and versus what my brain thinks about communication. So fascinating, right?

It's different. So basically you're saying, and what I, and I do believe this, that so many. Everything goes back to our thoughts, our brain. Like we could pretty much. And it's not so much manifesting, although that can work. Like being very clear about what you want and what you think you can have. If you keep going back to what you. What, what you need and what you think is possible in your life, that can help. Because then your brain is thinking that is possible.

Then you take those actions.

Like take the action.

That's what manifesting is.

It's not some magical. I went to a mountain, I let. Although sometimes I think that can help lighting the. For many people, they light it on fire. We always talk about that. Like, what is the name? Write down everything you want a partner and then go, yeah, but it's the repetition and the actions. Like, if I want to meet someone who's healthy, then I'm not gonna, you know, go to this. Where would you meet someone healthy to hang out at the bar, drinking till 2am because this person won't match my life skills that I, I need.

And I want it all, I think.

A life pat, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I think that, I think that manifesting just is when you truly believe something you unavoidably get, have a certain feeling and an action that comes out of that to create it. So when people say they're manifesting, like I, I was like, you're not going to manifest true love by sitting at home and the UPS guy shows up, right? Like, if you trul. Oh, my partner, like, let's say take somebody who truly believes, oh, my partner's coming. Like I, I know they are the perfect person for me is coming. I'm ready for that relationship. I'm ready to receive it. That person just unavoidably shows up in a certain way, takes certain actions, has conflict. That person's like, maybe it's a student at the grocery store. I should talk to them. Right? Like, your feelings and your actions are the way that your thoughts quote, unquote, manifest. It's not magic, right? And when manifestation doesn't work, quote, unquote, unquote manifestation. I think it's because you don't truly believe you're not getting in your body.

You're like, yeah, I wrote it all down. But I don't, I don't love myself. And every day you're constantly mini sabotaging yourself, right?

And you don't believe it. So you haven't made any actual change because you haven't changed the feeling in your body, which means you haven't changed the actions that you're taking. So that's the whole. This is why, like, latter thoughts are so important is that people are going around for 20 years being like, well, I tried believing and it didn't work. And I'm like, you, you never believed that thing. Like, I can say a sentence. I don't believe, like aliens created Earth. I don't believe that I can say that sentence in my brain.

The problem is they go undetected. We don't realize that they're saying it.

Or we're saying that we don't believe is the other problem. Right. So I can say that just because I can think that thought doesn't mean I believe it. Right. So if you think the thought to yourself, I will find true love. But you don't believe it. Thinking that thought a million times will do literally nothing for you. You'd be so much better off with a thought that doesn't sound fancy at all. That's like, it's possible I might meet someone someday. But if you actually can believe that. Right.

Which is so. But not a lot of us. I love that because it's such a great twist on it because again, people are going to find what works for them. Many people have told stories about manifesting their partner.

Yeah.

Use that language. Or it's like even just for people who are super pessimistic about just saying, okay, I could see your point. That it's possible could be very helpful for them as well. It is possible. I could find love. I'm thinking not. And I think I could. So let's talk about how this works in the bedroom. Let's get into the sex stuff. So many limiting beliefs we have in the bedroom. And I believe that more so than ever. I've been receiving more questions and callers and people saying like, I, I am in the bedroom and we're having sex or I just, I can't get in the mood. Or once we start going, all I'm thinking about is how I look or if I'm doing it right or is someone going to walk in? How do we do that?

I think that so much of sexual attraction experience is thought based and it's one of those areas that we don't pay any attention to it anything with the body. Like, I think that we're, we're living in an age where the, the philosophical framework from the 1700s is still primary, which is like, that the mind and the body are two different things. And so anything with the body, we're like, well, it's just hormones. It's just pheromones. It's just chemistry. It's just your mut, right? But as you start to dig into it, it turns out that all sorts of shit in the body, like pain, like arousal, like, all these things are influenced by thoughts. And sex is such a fascinating example because so many people have had the experience of meeting someone, having a lot of hot sex with them, spending more time with them, and then not. It's like, obviously, what if it was pheromones? Those are still there. Like, why is this happening? Because your thoughts have changed. Your thoughts used to be like, oh, my God, they're so hot. I can't wait to get naked. We have such amazing sex. We're so hot for each other. This whatever. And now your thoughts are, why didn't you take out the trash? Why didn't you blow up? Right? And, like, shockingly, you never do this.

You used to do this in the beginning. You always bought me flowers. You always asked me how my day was thought.

Shockingly, you are not having the same sexual experience, right? I just coached a client on this in the clutch. And, like, when we downloaded her thoughts and what they used to be and what they are now, it's like, right? Your thoughts now are, we don't have good sex. So it's very hard to have good sex when your thought is, we don't have good sex.

Exactly. So how do you unpack that with your.

You got like, sit down and do a thought ladder, right?

Thought ladder. Is that what we do? So we take your.

But you have to figure out what your thoughts are about sex, right?

Not just, like, writing this down in your process.

We like to pretend things are a mystery to us. We're like, I don't know, I just can't get that project done. Or, like, I don't know, our sex life, it's just kind of changed. Who knows why, right? Like, we're just. Our brains are, like, to conserve energy and, like, don't want to figure shit out. So we're just like, it's a mystery. I don't know. And. But it's not a mystery. You have all these subconscious thoughts. So, yeah, writing it down, always. This is why journaling works for people. It's not as concrete of an intervention as coaching to me. But you're still getting all your thoughts down. And so you see them. You're Like. Like, oh, interesting. When you put your hand on my leg, my thought is, you don't care about me. You just would have sex with anyone. Oh, it's weird. I don't feel aroused when that happens. Right. Like, you have to figure out all the stuff couples.

Because that'd be so interesting in therapy. It sounds like kind of like somatic therapy, too. Like, what are you thinking right now? In my hands. On your knees?

Yeah.

To be able to do that.

I don't, but I think it's an amazing idea. And there are coaches who do thought work and do couples coaching. But you can do it. You know, the good thing, I think, about how much of your experiences in your own mind is that, especially when it comes to sex or relationships, we think, like, well, the other person has to change an equal amount. Has to be very fair. 49, 51. We each have to change. Right? No, you can change a lot of your experience of a relationship and your experience of sex by changing your own thoughts. And that can go in either direction. Right. You might be the partner who wants sex less, or the partner who wants sex more, or the partner who is satisfied, whose partner isn't, or vice versa. But whatever your experience is, all of your thoughts about yourself, your partner, your body, your sexuality. Right. I mean, so many women, for instance, have trouble enjoying or oral sex or orgasming from oral sex because all of their thoughts, right. Are, it's taking too long, or I look weird, or I'm gonna smell weird. He's not gonna. He. Or she's like, how he told me.

I was weird or didn't want to.

Do it, or last time it took a half hour, or his jaw must be tired. And especially, I think, because women are, again, socialized to think that, like, we should be delivering sexual pleasure. They're often very uncomfortable with just receiving. Even if we think we should be empowered to. That's one of those, like, disconnects.

Such a disconnect.

Yeah. It's so hard for women, and it's our thoughts because we are conditioned our whole lives to be like, your body exists to provide sexual pleasure to other people, mostly men. So, of course. And, like, don't be in a position and don't be a burden. If you're too demanding, men won't like you. Right. And so all of that, and your body is wrong and weird and gross and should look like a prepubescent teen. And, you know, so you got all.

That on top, and then I just have crazy orgasm.

Yeah. And then it's like, not a Mystery that you don't love oral sex. Right? And there are people who are fully comfortable and just don't love it. That's fine. But you want to make sure you know why. I mean, all of those thoughts are impacting it.

I love this. I mean, I'm so into this work. It's just so important because you're right, no matter what I do. You could do tips, and you could try to. Although, you know, some of it does work. But I think being in your body is really important. Learning to breathe. But if you don't get rid of the thought part, none of this stuff works.

Well, this is why so many people drink or get high before they have sleep.

It's gonna say it's disassociation.

We do.

Everything else I found I will always.

Remember I dated this guy very briefly for like, 10 or 15 years ago. Otherwise not that memorable. But I remember him saying to me, I mean, not in a significant relationship, but I remember it because I've never been that into drinking or doing drugs, just in general. And I remember him saying to me, like, wow, you really like to have sex sober. Like, this was this, like, noticeable thing that was different from how other people did it. And I started to realize, like, oh, yeah, most people, like, have a drink to take the edge off or, like, smoke to. And yeah, some people find that smoking pot enhances sexual. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Right. But it's just a lot of the times, I think, especially for women, we're like, I need to be inebriated to turn off my brain so I can enjoy this. Right. I need to, like, inhibit my brain activity.

I'd say young women, too. Like, I remember in Peggy Orenstein's Girls in Sex book, that was something that was so confirming. She interviewed all these, you know, hundreds of women in college, like, 18 to 22, and it was like, the majority of them are, like, wasted to go out and have sex.

And also because that's how they turn off their insecurity, right? I mean, people numb out because their brain is getting in their way and they aren't taught how to manage it. So if that's what you learn, right. Most of us learn in high school and college how we're going to have these interactions if what you learn is, I get drunk so I feel confident. I get drunk so I feel flirty. I get drunk so I don't think about what my thighs, right? And so I don't shame myself aft.

Like, yeah, and you'll be doing that for the next. You'll do it next 30 years, you will continue to have sex in that way. And I think a lot of us are having sex, sex the same way we had it the first time.

Totally.

Because no one's here trying to update it for you and telling you, you know, how it can be better and we just assume it's going to suck. So as far as you having. So you don't numb out, you don't do anything and you just. So how have you. I'm sure you're, you're in your late 30s now. Your sex life, how has it evolved with all your thought work?

Yeah. It's interesting.

Maybe the experiences that you have now that would.

Yeah.

Because I like, I like a little, you know, smoking sometimes before I have sex.

Yeah. And again, I like, obviously I don't think there's. Right, there's a.

No, I'm. No. But I'm telling you, like, it's a little bit. I'm in my body more. Yeah.

And I think it's also like, I mean a lot, especially the way I teach. It's never about the action. It's like, why are we doing it? Right. So if we're totally comfortable having sex sober and then we like to sometimes have sex high because it feels different and fun. That's very different from like, oh, I have to get high to be able to enjoy it, otherwise I can't relax. Right. Like that's how we know we have a. Not even a problem, but just something you might want to look at. So my. I would say I think everybody has areas in their life that they like are more or less less crazy about. I think I was. Although I had a lot of body image craziness just because of the way I was raised. I was actually, I never had a ton of sex craziness.

Like you didn't have shame?

Yeah. I grew up in a Jewish family.

Yeah. We were fine with it.

Yeah. But there's just not that same.

Right.

Kind of. You get it in the general culture, but you're not getting at home. I think that there is like, at least for like non religious Jews, there just isn't that same. Like sex is shameful and sinful and masturbation's wrong. Yeah. It's just, it's not our culture. And I'm not saying for everybody, you know, but like for a lot of us in America, more secular Jews. So I didn't have that issue. And also. And I went to like this liberal progressive school where they taught you about sex. Early, so I didn't have a lot of shame and stuff around it. But I do think that I.

It's. It's not that I hesitate to say this. It's just. It's so easy for it to be misconstrued. There is absolutely a way of having, like, anonymous sex with strangers that's super fun and is only feels good sometimes. That's how I felt. But also, like a lot of women, I was trained to use sex for validation. So I think that.

Part of my experience was I wasn't ashamed about sex. And I've always, for whatever reason, had an easy time having pleasurable sex. Really. Like, I find it easy to orgasm. Like, I've never had a problem with that. But. But I do think that a lot of it's interesting. I found that when I started doing a lot of the work on my own, I would have described myself as having a very high sex drive for most of my life. And I think I probably still do on average. But when I stopped needing sex for validation, I noticed that my desire, like, my sex drive actually seemed a little lower because it wasn't being driven by that, and it wasn't that.

So it's not. It's. It's not even like. I would say it's probably like, I'm up for the same amount of sex with a partner around, but it didn't have that same. I wasn't as much a mental focus.

That you're using as a commodity, and now you're like, oh, it's actually a way that I'm gonna connect. You didn't have to give it to receive it.

And I think I used to use sex as a way to be in my body and connect to my body, actually, and which, again, there's nothing wrong with that. But now that I spend so much more time in my daily life being like, oh, what's happening in my body? Being in my body. I don't need it as a shortcut to embodiment. At the same time, I think one of the reasons that thoughtwork has been so. One of the reasons that was easy for me to believe that thoughtwork impacted sex is that I.

Is that I think, thought work. I'm. I don't. What's the word to say it? I'm part of the community. I, like, have some kink aspects of my sexuality is maybe the way to say it. And kink is so mental.

Yeah, I love kink.

Right?

You're connected.

And it's so mental, though. It's like the same actions if you think, well, they're the dom and I'm the sub, or vice versa, a totally different feeling versus if you think this is vanilla, like, this is. Whatever. It's so mental, right? I mean, I think people think of kink and they think of kinky actions, but I think that kink is mental more than anything. Especially because in the same way, like, I've, you know, you can have an action happen, like get a spanking from someone, but if you don't have, like a mental engagement in the power exchange, it just feels like an action. It doesn't feel. It might feel good physically, but there's not a deep intellectual arousal.

Meaning, like, my partner's dominant, I'm submissive. This is something that I've. We're in this exchange.

It's like you can get someone to give you a spanking where they don't really emotionally and mentally identify as a top and you're not feeling really identified as a bottom, and both of you aren't identified in that relationship. And so it's just the action of one person's hand hitting your ass. But that's totally feels different, right? So that can feel less arousing and less kinky than when you do have that.

Then you have that. Like, maybe with you and your partner. You're talking about it, right?

I'm just saying, like, sit over there. Yeah, right. Can be like, so much more erotic.

Making him feel great, because all the nerve endings, it does.

Like.

But this is like another level. If you're in the power play, role playing exchange, then your mind is otherwise engaged and connected to your partner. But it's not like you're just both in your own. It's less. You're less likely to disassociate, too, and go off in your own way when you are connected in some kind of. Of kink or power play. Bdsm.

I don't know if I would say it's more in BDSM than anywhere else. I just think it's an example of how you can get a spanking. And it feels. We think that's what we think it is, the physical. Like, while the nerve endings there. We're touched by this thing. And that feels good. That's true. But how can it be the case that it can be more deeply, even physically arousing for someone when you are in that relationship to, say, sit on the couch than it is to get a whole spanking from someone else? Only because of your mind.

It's all the mind.

It's all the Mind. Right. And you can even, you know, I think it's so fascinating also. I mean, partly because I'm so interested in thoughts. I'm always fascinated by situations where two people think two totally different things are going on. Right. And so you can have a situation where, like, you've decided you think that person is kinky and toppy and they're, like, telling you what. Like, they have no idea that that's happening, but you're having this totally kinky experience, even though they don't even know what's going on. Like, it's.

It's.

So I just think for me, kink is such an example of, like, it is all your thought process is so much. Yeah. There's some brain wiring and whatever the area, the. For the foot is close to the area for the genitals in your brain. Like, there's some biological stuff happening, but so much of it is thoughts. And to me, it's just. I don't think it's better or worse than not kinky sex. I just think it's a great example of these things we think are just biological are so impacted by our thought process.

I think it's. I think all the work you're doing is so great. Cara, thank you for being here. I so. So tell where people can find you and how they can work with you and all the things.

Yeah. You can listen to my podcast, which is called unfuck your brain.

And you can also find more about me at unfuck your brain.com and I have a feminist coaching community called the clutch where we dig into all this stuff. And I was saying, as I was saying earlier, like, I think because I'm so open about all of this, I think it's a place that particularly not just women, but people who are kinky or in polyamorous relationships or I just have different lifestyles than maybe the quote unquote, norm can get coaching and get. That's not the focus of the group, but it's welcoming and open to everybody.

I love the work you're doing. We're going to put this in the show notes as well. Wherever you guys are listening to the podcast. And then I have to ask you the quickie questions we ask all of our guests.

I'm ready.

Are you ready? Okay. What is your biggest turn on my mind. 100% biggest turn off.

Also my mind.

I'm with you, girl. What makes good sex?

I think what I feel like I just want to answer your brain to all of these. Your brain and your body being able to experience your body, but knowing how to manage your mind to create the space for that.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

You can totally have everything you want, but it's not about finding that person. You have to get yourself figured out in order to even be able to notice and receive it.

Unfuck yourself. Okay, number one sex tip.

Look at and shift your thoughts on purpose.

All right, awesome. Thank you so much for being here.

My pleasure. Thank you.

All right, thanks to my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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