Am I The Asshole? My Partner Doesn’t Like Oral Sex

You absolutely should be able to explore your fantasies and expand beyond vanilla sex. And I want that for you. And you will not last in a relationship where you are just lying there doing the same thing over and over again. And so I recommend you have a conversation with him that is more about your sex life together. The sex life you're having. While it's very satisfying and pleasurable in many ways, it's not enough for you because for sex to be sustainable, it actually has to always evolve and change.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm so happy you all love this segment as much as I do because it's truly so much fun. We're back with another Am I the Asshole episode and you've all been submitting great scenarios to our Am I the Asshole Forum, which is in the show Notes. So today producer Eric and I are telling people if they're assholes or not for hooking up with other people while on a break. Wanting your partner to be more kinky when they've been kinkier with previous partners, wanting your partner to perform oral sex, and wanting their partner to put more effort into spicing up their sex life. If you want to know if you're the asshole, submit your questions to sex with emily.comaita please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article ages and stages in your sex life is up on on sex with emily.com all right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Sophia, and she's 25. Am I the asshole for hooking up with someone else while we were on a break? Hey, Dr. Emily, my partner. We'll call him. Dave and I've been together nine years, but about a year ago, we broke up for a short amount of time. We were still living together during that time, and we're both on Tinder, looking for fun. Nothing serious. One night during this month, I spent the night at another man's house, which Dave was aware of. The next day, Dave asked if I wanted to get back together, and I said yes. Since we've been back together, he's expressed that that situation really bothers him and that I can't be trusted. I feel like I've been having to prove my loyalty for the last year, and it's exhausting. I would understand if we were still together and I cheated or if I had lied and said I was elsewhere, but we were both looking for someone else at the time, and he knew who I was with. I'm not sure if I'm the asshole or this is something he needs to let go of. P S. I'm a longtime listener, Love your show and your mindset as a human. Looking forward to your advice. All right, Sophia, thanks for listening to this show for so long. And we got you. Okay. I don't think you're the asshole. Okay. You were on a break. He knew what you were doing, and then the next day, look at that. Miraculously, he wants to get back together. Classic, right, Erica? Like it is classic that when someone's not available, we want them back. He. He probably got extremely jealous. He realized, you know, maybe it took that night of you away from. To realize that all of a sudden, no, you are meant to be together, and he wants to get back together. I get that. That's true. Sometimes we need a little bit of distance to realize, you know, that we want to be with somebody. But I can't help but think his jealousy got the best of him here. And he was like, you're mine. You won't be someone else. I can't believe you moved on that quickly or whatever it is. So now you're back together, and he's just making you feel bad for something that was agreed upon.

Agreed upon. He knew about it. You guys were literally broken up. And I know now it's a break because you got back together, but I'm curious if it was a break when they originally broke up or if they had just broken up.

Yeah.

And I do feel like his behavior here is a little bit manipulative because it sounds like he might have tendencies towards being jealous because he got back together right away, and now he can't let it go.

So.

So what's coming up for me, Sophia, is how's the relationship since you're back together the last year? Have things changed? It seems pretty abrupt to me to break up after nine years together, take a break, and then all of a sudden it's great, and you're back together. And so perhaps he was riding on that fuel of you no longer being his. And I just want to make sure that you guys are working on the problems because there were probably reasons you decided to get separated. Are you working on them? Has there been progress? Has there been growth? Are you actively working towards making your relationship stronger? And you're writing me saying, like, it's been kind of hellish because he's making me feel really bad. I understand that he's hurt, but I don't think you did anything wrong. Doesn't sound like it. We're hearing your side of it.

You had decided that you no longer had any obligations to each other. If you were broken up and he.

Knew she was going, she's like, bye, I've got a date. I do think that's asshole ish that he's making you feel so bad. So you shouldn't have to keep rehashing this situation. You decide to get back together with him. You're not dating anybody else. You're not on Tinder. Maybe that did trigger, like, a latent jealousy gene that he has. I'm joking. I don't think it's a gene. I don't think it's genetic. But sometimes something happens in our life. Maybe his parents were in a cheating relationship. Maybe someone cheated on him. Maybe he's cheated on someone else, and it's making him feel very unsafe right now. So what I think you have to say to him is, okay, this is the past. We are now living in the present. What would you need from me to feel safe in this relationship? What does that look like Dave, what are the things you need to hear from me? What are the activities you need me to do, the behaviors you need to witness for you to feel like we can move on and continue to build on our relationship. And if he just says, well, I just need you to not have done that, like, we can't go back and erase time. So I need him to get out of the past. Listen, we rehash the past. It's not going anywhere. And this is a really big problem for a lot of couples that I have. So many couples I hear from and friends who've been in relationships where all their ex did was look at the past. You weren't there for me. We had a baby and you were never around, or you didn't tell me the truth about your debt. And they can't let it go. That is a problem. That is a character trait. And I think you probably would need therapy at this point. I highly recommend therapy because there's something about this that he can't quite get past it, and I'm not sure what that is. So if he can't answer your question about what else do you need right now and doesn't change, call a therapist, a couple's counselor, asap. Get into therapy, commit to going once a week for a month. I'm not saying you stop it after a month, but after a month in therapy, you're gonna know a lot more and you're gonna learn the tools to be able to communicate and see if this is a relationship that can go the distance. But you don't deserve to feel this way.

I also think it's assholeish in general to take a mistake someone made, Although in this case, I don't even think it was a mistake that you were broken up. She hooked up with other people. That's so normal.

But.

But to comment on that one event and make broad strokes claims about people's character, now he's saying because of this one night she slept with someone else, she can't be trusted. And now she feels like she has to beg for his approval for the past year. I think that's super assholish.

I mean, he's saying that she lied and she cheated, which actually isn't true. Like the facts are the facts. Yeah, the facts are that you were broken up, he knew everything. So now he's sort of, we might call this gaslighting in the business too, right? A version of it making you feel bad for something that was agreed upon and changing the rules. He's basically changing the Rules and making you prove yourself to him over and over and over again. That sounds exhausting.

Yeah. And I do think, as you were just saying, asking you to get back together the very next day is such a power play.

That's suspect. That is a total like, I can't handle you being without you now. Now I can't again. Why were you guys breaking up in the first place? What are those issues? And like, to be honest, I know it must have felt great that he wanted you back or wanted to get back together, but it's very rare that a month break from a nine year relationship that everything's automatically better within 24 hours. Oh, and by the way, the night that you happen to be with another person, I feel like this is such.

A common scenario of people going on breaks or breaking up and then having feelings about what the person does when they're not together. I guess this is for all relationships of like, oh, I can't believe my ex already hooked up with someone a month later. I don't know.

It's very, very common. In fact, I just had a flashback. Erica.

Yes.

So When I was 25, I went backpacking through Southeast Asia for what was supposed to be three months. And I upset for nine months. And my boyfriend at the time decided that we could see other people while we were away. I knew I was going to be away and kept extending the trip. And then when I came back into town, I was in his desk drawer looking for something and I found a greeting card. And it was like, thank you so much for the best night at the opera ever. And it was from like his assistant or something. And then I found another thing from like his boss. And I was like, did sleep with your entire office? And I got very. I was like, yes, we were on a break and yes, I did sleep with people. We were, I was traveling. I was backpacking in Thailand. But I was hurt because they were like in his life and it seemed inappropriate, but the truth is we were on a break.

Yeah. So then what'd you do?

I'm not a jealous person by nature, but this did trigger a deep insecurity and threat that I wasn't safe. And so for me, we worked it through and we stayed together for a long time and there wasn't any other thing like this. We just didn't stay together for many reasons. We were young. What I think is helpful here is, Sophia, I'm sure that he loves you. Something got triggered in him, likely that it's probably not even about you and what you're doing that, he automatically doesn't feel safe right now. He doesn't feel good about himself. He feels that he's disposable. And like most things, it probably goes back to some early childhood experiences, some family dynamic. And something's very familiar to him here. Maybe his parents got divorced and he never saw his mom for months and didn't know if she was coming home. So he doesn't always feel safe and loved in relationships. I'm making these things up. But we all have things like that. So when we say in the healing business that we tend to recreate childhood and then we bring it into our current relationships, this is a great example of that, because what it's sounding to me is like, you've had a very trusting relationship. This wasn't a thing before something happened, and now he's just, like, lashing out. And so that's why therapy, even for him individually and you individually, because I love a good therapy sesh, could help you both figure out, well, what are we bringing to the table? Because in a relationship, it's the two of you, but it's also your family standing behind you, your family experience. I wish that someone would just print out a manual, like it's some AI of your childhood. And they're like, here's all the issues. When your mom did this, your dad did this, and then you could be like, babe, this is my issue journal. I'd like your issue journal. And this is how we're triggering each other. But that actually is in every relationship. And this is why relationships are challenging. But if you learn how to communicate in a healthy way, and typically we have to learn these skills, and the best way to learn these skills is in therapy or buying a great therapy book. There's a lot of great therapy books out there for couples that could help you sort of work through these things too, if you can't make it to therapy. But I know if you have health insurance, there's a lot of health insurances that allow you to have 15, 20 sessions. And so I just think it's much more accessible right now and less of a luxury. More of, like, we all have mental health challenges. And by that I mean, like, childhood things and whatever to work on. So that's what I recommend for you guys.

Yeah. So bottom line, I know I said he was super asshole ish earlier, but as we've said before, it's hard to say someone is a complete asshole or not. But I think the asshole behaviors are, as you said, stemming from insecurities that he needs to work through on his own. And with you and a therapist, I.

Have a really hard time calling people assholes because I understand that we are all doing the best we can and we all come with challenges and a history that is really hard to navigate as adults. So I actually am sending love to you and Dave. Behaviors can be asshole ish, but I don't necessarily think that your boyfriend's an asshole.

Keep us updated.

Yeah, we want to know. Thanks so much, Sophia. We're rooting for you. This is from curiously kinky. She's 33. Am I the asshole for wanting my partner to be kinkier with me when he's been kinky with other women? Oh, okay. Hi, Dr. Emily. My husband. I have been married for two years. Together for five years in the past, I've been completely prudish. I've only slept with three people, including him, and my past was extremely vanilla. I always wanted to save the kinks and curiosities for marriage. This was a huge reason my husband fell as hard for me as he did. In his mind, I am his perfect, sweet, delicate angel. My husband, on the other hand, was as promiscuous as they come. Literally. Our best man joked about the hundreds of hearts he's broken at our rehearsal dinner. I've judged him for. If anything, it just benefits me in the bedroom. He always knows how to please me. Over the last two years of our marriage, I've brought up a few times how I wish he'd be more playful with me and I'd let him know that I wouldn't mind roughing things up or trying new positions. I've expressed that I'm interested in trying things I've never done in the past that maybe he was into. I know for a fact that he's explored all kinds of kinky, fun things with other women that he, quote, never respected and had to do those things to get off. He doesn't have to do those things with me. End quote. Fair. But it's not like I'm asking him to beat me up or do anything insane. I just wouldn't mind if we had ventured into other avenues beyond me just lying down and being vanilla. I'm not trying to spice things up. I'm just open to anything. I honestly can't even tell you what I'm looking for because I've never gotten off in any other position than missionary my whole life. I've always wanted to save the kinky things for marriage. And now that I'm married, my partner doesn't want to Explore things with me because he's afraid that once we get to a certain place, it makes what we have and where we are now in our sex life not good enough. Our sex life is really great. But I can't reason with him because in his eyes, he thinks I'm this soft, delicate angel that he doesn't want to disrespect. Am I the asshole because I kind of want to be disrespected? I don't think he's an asshole, but I don't know how to navigate the situation where we both can openly explore together. Wow. Curiously kinky. Thanks for this email. You laid it out beautifully. This sounds to me like a classic case of the good old Madonna whore complex. So let me just remind you I'm actually pulling this up right now just so I can explain to you details. So this was actually first identified by Freud. It's the psychological complex set to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Men with this behavioral complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded, the whore, while they cannot desire the respected partner, the Madonna. And Freud wrote, where such men love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love. And so the reason why I'm pointing this out is because maybe he grew up in a background that was really conservative and more religious, or his upbringing around sex was that women are meant to just be prostitutes or they're just sluts and you just do all the nasty things with them, but with your wife, she's your wife and there's babies and all these things and you can't possibly put those two together. So that the way he was socialized before he met you was that women are meant to be desired but not loved. And the woman that I love, I can't desire. So the reason why this is screaming Madonna whore is because he said he never respected those other women and had to do those things to get up and he doesn't have to do those things with you. So what it sounds to me is that he has some conflict about an early sexual history or upbringing and that in his mind he can't quite reconcile the conflict he's having between wife material and the people you sleep with. And so this is going to take a deeper diving into his own upbringing and his own beliefs around sex and sort of unpacking where it came from and why he believes this, and then learning to rebuild a new relationship with sex with you, his wife. This is not a one time conversation. Curiously kinky. And this is Going to take a little bit of work because I believe if we can get him to see that you're his wife, he loves you, you love him, you both want to show up for each other in all the ways you can. And currently present time, he is not able to get your needs met because he's got a really strong, powerful belief that is no longer serving him. And he's not able to see or even hear what you're saying because he's got this very black and white mentality around sexual. So while you've been trying to say all the things, it sounds like he's not really listening because he's like, this is how it is. I've been told this way. This is what, who knows, Maybe his dad told him that, his grandparents, maybe his buddies in college, we don't know where, but we have to penetrate him literally so you can be penetrated in the way you want to. You absolutely should be able to explore your fantasies and expand beyond vanilla sex. And I want that for you.

And.

And you will not last in a relationship where you are just lying there doing the same thing over and over again. It's classic. And so I recommend you have a conversation with him that is more about your sex life together. Maybe you need to put more feeling words around what you really need. And that the sex life you're having, while it's very satisfying and pleasurable in many ways, it's not enough for you because for sexual to be sustainable, it actually has to always evolve and change. Couples get bored in sex lives because there is none of that newness and evolving novelty. And so it's almost like a requirement. Whether or not it was Madonna whore or he just wasn't open to talking about sex. It shows up in a lot of different ways. And so it sounds like there's some education and exploration and listening he has to do and educating himself around female sexuality as well. I think that this trope is dated and it's been around for a very long time. But for him to gain deeper knowledge about women are very complex sexual beings. We want sex just as much as men do. We have desires, we have needs. We're not just meant to lay there and be vessels and be wives. So a lot of couples listen to the podcast together to hear sex positive talk and to hear it normalized and to see that there's another way of thinking. Maybe he'd be open to that. You know, I love some therapy because I'm telling you, if this is just bothering you right now, curiously kinky, it's gonna get a lot more intense and a lot louder if he's just saying, nope, we're not talking about it, end of story. I don't spice it up anymore, and I don't do any of those things. And I also want to normalize for you that it's okay that you don't know what you want, that you don't even know what those things are. A lot of us learn by doing. We learn by listening, by reading. But especially when it comes to sex. How would you know if you wanna be spanked or talking dirty to or tied up if you've never tried it? So he might come to her and say, well, what do you want? And it's okay to say you don't know. I want to normalize that. It takes time and it takes sex. With a partner who has a growth mindset around sex. And that's what we really need him to do, is to realize that relationships should have a growth mindset, and it's really the healthiest Sex lives also have growth mindset around sex.

I know you wanted to save the kinky stuff for marriage. I think culturally, when we think kink, we think of like, aggression and rough sex and dungeons and bdsm and who knows, maybe that actually isn't your kink. Maybe that's something that you think you should be doing, but isn't yours. It could very well be, but I could understand. Maybe your partner is hearing you want to be more kinky, but he doesn't actually know what that looks like. Or he only knows how that's looked like with other people. And maybe it does look different for you guys. Even if it's still kinky.

He probably doesn't know it either. Exactly. He's like, well, the women I was kinky with, I didn't respect. And it was these out there acts and. And for you, kinky might just be doggy style, right? It might be a little bit of dirty talk. It might be sex in the shower. So I think there's some discussing here about your needs. And remember, ongoing discussion. This is going to be some work, but make it fun. Yeah, it's sex talk, but make it sexy. Do it on a date night. Keep talking about it because hopefully he will come around. No one's probably ever challenged him on this before either. You're his first wife, I'm guessing.

But I think trying other things together beyond missionary already will open the door to make him have a new association of what sex looks like with you.

Yeah, he hasn't had the experience yet because he's got these beliefs, but once he experiences it, maybe you could say to him, like, let's try this one thing. Maybe you guys could agree on something you'll do and then. Yeah, a toy. Get a sex toy. Go to our website. Shop Sex with Emily. Wonderful store. It's a beautiful store with all of our favorite things. Thank you. Curiously kinky. Keep us posted. Stay right where you are. We'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors, so don't go away. Okay, but before that, then I have the perfect toy recommendation for any asshole really looking to play with their asshole. Okay, here's the deal. The Soraya beads by Lelo. It is their brand new anal beads massager that feels so good. If you're not familiar with anal beads, essentially, they're typically like little beads on a toy that you put inside of you. And as you pull out each bead at a time, it stimulates those nerve endings in your anus and feels amazing. Well, I love skin sex toy innovation, okay, But Lelo innovated on anal beads. I've never seen this before. It is the coolest anal bead vibrator toy I've ever seen. It features four gradually increasing beads so each one gets a little bit bigger and eight powerful pleasure settings. And it's made of extra soft body safe silicone that's really warm to the touch. So it's an overall really soothing, pleasurable experience. And get this, they have this new bow motion technology inspired by violin players so that all the vibrating anal beads work together to create a really a symphony and a thrusting like sensation without the thrusting motion. Can you tell I'm excited about this? I've never seen anything like it. And it is powerful and pleasurable. If you want to get your hands on Lelo's latest amazing Toy, go to LELO.com and use the code Sex with Emily at checkout to get 25% off site wide. That's Le L O dot com. Use the code sex with Emily for 25 off or just click the link in our show notes. All right, we'll be right back.

This is from Sam and he's 54 years old. Am I the asshole for wanting my wife to perform oral sex? Hey, Dr. Emily. My wife and I are very much in love and have been married for 28 years, together for 34. Like a lot of couples, we've struggled for a long time with a big difference in our libidos. We have sex reasonably often. She enjoys it and she's orgasmic. But she's fine with vanilla encounters, whereas I want more intense, creative sex with lots of variety. And I want it to be pleasured too. We've recently done a really good job of untangling the various factors at play and healing much of the resentment and pressure it's caused. That's been great for us emotionally, and the sex has slightly improved as a result. One thing that's been a real problem is that she won't go down on me, even though she used to have no problem with it. It's been nearly six years since I had a blowjob and it was only once or twice a year for the 10 to 15 years before that. She knows I want oral and says she wishes she could make me happy by doing it. But it's not changing. I think blow jobs are kind of like a diagnostic test for whether we've really figured out our sexual problems. Even if the sex is better, if she can't go down to me, we still have a lot of work to do. I've said this to her and she just gets mad at me for putting all the focus on one single sex act. Isn't really what I mean. But I do want to be pleasured orally and I think that it sucks, no pun intended, that I can't have that for background. Number one, she sees a therapist, but she hasn't talked to her about oral sex. Number two, I've done a lot of intensive work on myself through therapy and other ways to show up for her. Number three, love going down on her and do it regularly. In fact, she fairly often turns me down when I want to do it. Number four, she has no known sexual trauma, family of origin issues, shaming episodes, religious taboos, etc. Number five, I'm really fastidious about my hygiene and keep everything super clean. Number six, she says she still finds me attractive. She was really self confident, free with her sexuality when we were first together and the sex was very hot. I don't want to issue an ultimatum, but I also need to have my needs met or at least believe she's trying. I like Esther Perel's line that a unilateral decision is the same as an ultimatum. So I think if she can make the unilateral decision that blowjobs aren't going to be part of our sexual relationship. I may need to issue an ultimatum that this is something that I need and that she needs to at least talk to her therapist about it or somehow make it a priority. If she can't do it first of all, very thorough, Very thorough. Thank you for listening to the show. And he's like, okay, she's this, this and that. She doesn't have issues, she doesn't have drama. She goes to therapy. Okay? So thank you. I feel like I'm sitting in the room with you. I wish I was. So you guys have been married since you were 26 years old. I'm sure there's been a lot that's gone on since then. You know, you're in your 50s now, our bodies change, our hormones change, there's a lot that goes on. But it sounds like the sticking point to you is your penis. You want a blowjob. It probably feels like a really big rejection and a discounting of what you really need. Like you have told her every which way that it's important to you. I hear your disappointment and frustration and probably a little bit of sadness that you're like, what? What does this go down on me? And it never was. Very often you have sexual needs. And if you read Smart Sex, my book, you know, there's a lot of hang ups around oral sex, both giving and receiving. I do think it's something she needs to work through though, with a therapist or maybe with you. My next advice would be, have you ever really examined it with her and gotten curious rather than expecting or judgmental? But she said, yeah, I just want to understand what is it about oral sex that isn't appealing to you? You just really listen. You can even repack what she says. She might say, I just don't like the pressure. And you could say, okay, so you don't like the pressure? Yeah, I don't like the pressure. Since I was younger, people were pressuring me. Oh, so people impressed you since you were younger? Did something happen when you were younger? Like, let's try to get to the bottom of where this came. Maybe she doesn't have any, like, cultural hang ups, but maybe there was an instance she forgot about. Maybe someone forced her to give a blowjob when she was younger and it didn't go well. Or maybe it's uncomfortable for her. Maybe there's something about the taste. I think by asking questions and finding out what it's about, does she have shame around it? And if she was self confident and sexually free when you met, I think it's worth a conversation about why it's changed. So you want to stay curious, not accusatory. Now it might be hard for her to hear you in this case because every time blowjob comes up, she's Got to prepare. I think it's important to be appreciative of the progress she's made and that you love the ways that your sex life has evolved. So maybe you can amplify those to her and say, I really love that we're having sex more frequently, or, I really love that you're talking dirty now, or whatever it is you said slightly better, so whatever that means for you. But I think it's important to get to the bottom of this and understand that for other vulva owners I know who aren't really into oral sex, sometimes it can be helpful to think about the why they want to do it. Same goes for men, too, but. But also to think of their penis as just an extension. Another part of this person that you deeply love and care about and your life partner and just another, like, part of them to love. And it's a really beautiful thing to be able to give our partner pleasure. It's such a gift. It's such an act of service. And if there's a way she could reframe it around that because it's really causing you a lot of distress and pain, I just think that's been helpful to reframe it. You know, there's also a ton of hacks around it. If it's a taste thing, get her some delicious flavored lube. How would you feel if she started with her hand and gave you a really great hand job while licking the top of your penis and she slowly worked herself towards giving you a blow job? Maybe it's a few licks in a hand. Right. Would you be willing to meet her halfway and have her just start to, you know, get a little bit more comfortable, you know, doing it, getting a little bit closer to it again? Would you be open to that kind of progress? Because sometimes it's just baby steps or baby licks.

Love it. Yeah. I do think oral sex is a fair thing to ask.

I do, too.

I think it's really fair. And I think it's really tough when there's something like that. That is a unilateral decision, that this is off the table. I think that that can be very hurtful, especially when it was there in the beginning. Although not very much so.

I definitely don't think it's asshole ish to want that. I again, we know there's so many reasons it comes from. So your wife is absolutely not an asshole. But I do think it's asshole ish to shut down any conversation, especially when it's clearly something that's important. To your partner. So I don't think she can tell you you should be satisfied with X, y, z already if you're expressing that you're not. Yeah.

She can't tell you that you're wrong for having your feelings. You can't make your partner wrong. That's why we have to all really learn just excellent communication skills. Listening back to our partners, repeating back what they say and practicing it is a practice. I think anytime we just lay down the law and we disagree with somebody, it is really hard to sort of break through. But that's why it takes, like, really delicate, careful communication to get to the other side of it. And hopefully on the other side, you're getting a blow job. You're getting as many blow jobs as you need.

And I get it. I feel like performing oral sex does kind of feel like you're on the spot in a way. It's like it's all on me if my partner likes it or not. So I could see that there being pressure there. How can you make this the most collaborative, welcoming process as possible so she doesn't feel like when she does finally give you the first blowjob in six years, it has to be the best thing ever. You have to, you know, orgasm from it. It's like, no, let's just take baby steps and really appreciate and acknowledge her when she does take those baby steps. I do think that's fair.

We talked about the hand job, but maybe he could get a stroker or something, Buy, like, a sex toy to make it easier. How would you feel about that, Sam? We have some great strokers on our website. They're basically masturbation sleeves, and she could use one on you. Then just say ways to get her comfortable with giving, because, again, it's an act of service. And, yeah, blowjobs, you know, they call it a job. Right. Maybe she feels like she was never really good at it. We're gonna find a lot more, Sam. We have conversations with her, but again, I love the idea of a vibrating sleeve or some great lubricant just to kind of make it a little bit more fun and playful for her and a lot less pressure. Thanks, Sam. Appreciate you. This is from Alex. He's male and he's 35 years old. Am I the asshole for wanting my partner to put more effort into spicing up our sex life? Hi, Dr. Emily. I want to know if I'm the asshole, because my wife of 15 years and I have hit the point where I feel like, what's next? We still love sex. With each other. It's fun, it's hot, and it's mostly consistent. But I am the one who always initiates, and if I don't, we won't. We recently tried to open up joining the sites and going to a club, but ultimately it didn't go anywhere. Her voice said, yes, I want to, but her actions and efforts said, I'm not into it enough to make it happen. After doing the work to run the accounts, it was too much work to never have her do her part. Now that we stopped going down that road and have done basically everything else and she doesn't have any ideas on what she wants, I'm left thinking things are going to get boring unless I keep doing all of the work. So am I the asshole for wanting her to show up? Thank you, Alex. So this is probably the most common scenario, that there's one partner who's putting all the effort in the relationship. They're doing the initiating, they're trying to spice it up. They're trying to do everything they can to make sure that you are having sex in your relationship, and there's another partner who's not doing so much. So I don't think either one of you are assholes. I really don't. But what would be asshole is if you didn't take some of these next steps. Now, some of this advice that I'm going to give you because I know this is really going to help you here. There are two of you in the relationship, and it takes two to tango. Sometimes it's hard to like, well, what's my part? Like, she's my wife and I'm trying everything. Like, clearly she's not doing anything at all, and she's the asshole. But listen, you've been together for 15 years. You've been together since you were 20 years old. There's a lot that goes on between 20 and 35 years old. There's some evolving, there's some talking about your sex life and really having conversations about it in a really real way. Like, I want sex clearly a lot more than you do. We tried the spicing it up thing. You don't seem very into it. Remember, you say this off without shaming her. Remember my three T's of communication? If you don't know, you can download our free guide on the website. But you have to have it outside the bedroom. And you got to just say, listen, like, sex is an important part of our relationship, our commitment to each other. And I think it's important for both of us to be invested in it. And so your questions to her would be, what does she think if she had to think about, well, I know sex is important and I love you. What does she need to be aroused, turned on, and ready for sex? What does that look like? Clearly, she's not interested in opening it up or she's not interested in the work. You know, it does take a lot of work to manage the apps and do all the things. But what are her fantasies? What does she imagine could spice it up, bring you closer together? Is there something that she needs from you? How's your relationship otherwise? Is she needing something else? And so those are the conversations because, you know, maybe there's been some resentments. Maybe she's just busy with the kids. If you have kids, maybe she feels like when the sex does happen, she's not getting her needs met. Encourage her to think about times when she is ready for sex and turned on. What was happening? You know, was the sex unexpected? Did she want to feel nurtured and cared for? Was it a night out, just the two of you, on date night, when she felt really turned on because she didn't have other responsibilities? Right. So this is finding out our core desires as I talk about in Smart Sex, my book. Identifying those is really important. We all have primary ways we want to feel, to be ready for sex, to be in the mood.

And it sounds like when you do have sex, you say it's fun, it's hot, and mostly consistent. But I do agree that, you know, if you got married when you were 20, hopefully you don't have the same sex when you're 70 as when you were 20. I feel like sex, like anything in life, should grow and evolve. So it, you know, it takes both of you putting in the work to make that happen.

So think about. We're all creatures of habit. We tend to do the same things over and over again. But if you think of sex like a workout, if you do the same workout over and over again, at the beginning, you started. Your muscles started changing, you started getting healthier. Whatever your goals were, you start meeting them. But after a while, you hit the plateau and nothing else happens. Maybe your sex life has plateaued because you're habitually having sex the same way. She's like, here it goes again. It's the same thing, and I'm bored. And let me normalize the fact that most people in relationships are going to crave variety, spontaneity, novelty, even just at that base level. Has your sex life been able to provide any of those things now? I get that opening it up would have been very novel and offered some variety. But again, like our yes, no maybe list, there's a reason why hundreds of thousands of people have downloaded it for free on our site because they find a great tool in that to just go through a bunch of sex acts and figure out are they yes, are they nos, are they maybes? It gives you ideas. So I would actually recommend doing that on your next date night.

Definitely. I think that's the perfect tool for them. I think opening it up isn't for everyone, but maybe your wife's lack of effort is kind of her signal that it's not really a desire she wants. And there's so many ways to spice it up. It doesn't always have to involve other people.

A lot of different ways to spice it up. And so it's up to you guys to find ways to make that happen. So no, you're not the asshole. You just need a different approach. Thanks Alex.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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