An Orgasm Denial Trial

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right. Everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm talking about orgasm denial. What does that mean and how can you use it to focus on all your pleasure? Plus, I'm answering your sex and relations questions. Topics include what is orgasm denial? And how can you make it super hot? So you like to peg your partner, but he's not as into it. What can you do to make it more enjoyable? So sex in public seems to be one of your partner's kinks. What are some workarounds? And how to help support and deal with a partner who has sexual trauma? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not Talk about sex so much.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and you can also find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board. All right, Intentions with Emily. I ask everyone to set an intention, if it feels good to you at the top of the show, to think about, you know, what you'd like to get out of listening to this episode and how it could help you. So maybe it's like, oh, I just want to find some new. New moves to add to my repertoire in the bedroom. Or may. Maybe you're like, orgasm denial. What is that? Could that help me have more pleasure in the bedroom? My intention was to give you lots of ideas in one episode to help you add to your sexual tool belts and give you just more ways to get pleasure because we all deserve it. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I want to do a little fantasy breakdown for you. Okay, so we've done this before. We talked about some fantasies, some common fantasies, maybe not so common fantasies. So an actual style, step by step, and maybe pique your curiosity about something you want to try. So this is orgasm denial. That's actually a fantasy. So here's what it is. So it's a little bit kinky, right? It's when you're with. It could be done during solo play or with a partner, but kinky with a partner. And essentially they're denying you from orgasm. So it's a power play thing. You're getting close, but they don't allow you. You have to ask their permission to finish. They don't allow you to finish until they say you can finish. And maybe they're teasing you. They're coming in, they're playing with your genitals, and they're rousing you, and they pull away, and then they come forth and they pull away, and it's that anticipation, right, that. That makes it really hot. So here's example. Like, let's say things are getting super hot and heavy in the bedroom and you're getting turned on, and your partner tells you, like, don't move. And maybe they tie your hands to the bed. Consensually tie your hands to the bed. And then they start to touch your body all over. They know what feels good, right? They're kissing your neck, your breast, your. This goes for either one, men or women. They're kissing your thighs, everything. But they're not kissing your genitals. Nope. You want them to because, you know, the closer you get, like, the teasing and the anticipation. Maybe they're tracing their tongue or their fingers around your inner thighs, your knees and your neck, and they're tracing down and they're. Maybe they're even blowing on your. Like, blowing on your genitals or like. Like doing something like that, but they're not touching it. And then you get to the point where you're so aroused that you're, like, begging, right? You're begging. You're like, ah, you know, God, I just. Please touch me. I want you to touch me. And then maybe they start. They tease you and they're like, okay, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna use my tongue or I'm gonna use a toy. I'm gonna put your penis in my mouth. And then I'm getting closer and about to orgasm. And then, boop. They stop. They stop touching you. So you're delaying it. And they repeat it a few times. So you get the. You get the rise and the fall of the arousal and the turn on, which is actually, if you think about it, really hot. And I think that we don't often play in this realm. Cause we think, well, I just wanna orgasm. I wanna make sure I orgasm. I don't wanna fuck with that. I'm already turned on. But there'.

You know, anticipation of pleasure. Like, that's why it is a really sexy thing to do. Because when you build up and you go slow, it can feel amazing. And with a partner and you have to be strict. It's kind of like, okay, babe. Like, I can't. Even if I'm begging you, you know, you can't allow me to orgasm. And you're giving them a little power. It allows you to be more submissive. And so I think that can be hot now if you're on your own. I also think if you can kind of play the devil's advocate to yourself and really deny yourself of pleasure, it works. Sort of like edging during masturbation, where you're starting to, you know, maybe. And I am all for teasing ourselves when we're getting aroused and, like, not going right for the. That's my vibrator impression.

Knock it out and you're done. And I'm out. And I got my orgasm. Pop it off. Which I am glad you are going to have an orgasm. But when you learn to tease yourself, you also are a learning different erogenous zones. You could. Oh, I didn't know that. The inner thighs or like my pubic mound area is really a turn on for me or the back of my thighs or anything that feels good. Touching yourself can do that to you. And so like feather tickles and different ways to touch and then you realize that and then you like are denying yourself and then maybe you sort of touch yourself. Touch yourself. And you're getting close to orgasm and you gotta be strong enough to pull away and to let it build and let it drop. And so you're teaching yourself orgasm control and you're teaching yourself ejaculatory control. This is what we a lot of men to do who are struggling with ejaculating before they want to. And that's a great way to do it is just typically edging where you're getting to the point of return and then you're slowing it back down. I love this fantasy because I think it's something new. It's something easy to try with your partner that just kind of fun. And doesn't that sound hot? Like I get turned on thinking about it.

Yeah. I do this to myself sometimes but I really want to try it with a partner. Yeah, it's hard to explain. I think in certain senses when you're with a partner, especially if it's in the moment.

Well yeah, I think you discussed it. The most important thing is to discuss it with your partner before you bring it into the bedroom. Cause let's be honest, it could be really annoying to your partner that doesn't know you're trying to do it. Yeah, they're like what are you doing? Where are you going with your mouth on my vagina vulva? Why did you leave the room? But if you know about it and you're like okay, you know, it'd be really hot if we do this. Orgasm denial. We actually have two great blogs on our website. So tell em talk em ahead of time and let them know why. Like it's a time to explore new sensations which you guys, we don't do this enough. We do not. We are so limited in the kind of touch we think it feels good and the kind of the positions that we do and there's just so much to it. So when you're doing this orgasm denial sensation or fantasy, you are exploring new sensations. Play with different pressures and touches and textures and temperatures. Play with some ice and play with some, you know, massage candles, feathers and necklace vibrators, blindfold. This is when you can play with all these sensations that can feel amazing and lead to lead to your arousal. Now, this isn't like an excuse to be like, I just don't want to give my partner an orgasm and I'm going to tie him up and leave the room. So it's a shared experience. You'd be so messed up. And the truth is, right, I'm tying you up and I'm going to Walgreens. Oh, no, I don't know. I'm going to run an errand.

No, terrible, terrible. That's not what you do here. So I think it's a shared experience. And so in a way, it might seem selfish, but it's super sexy because all of your focus is on your partner's pleasure and the pleasure of teasing them and bringing them to arousal and different way. And, like, you really will discover other ways. You're like, I didn't know how great it felt for you to, like, tease my neck or play with just my left nipple and not my right, because how else would we know? But if we don't play. So this is kind of a playful way to turn on your partner. Orgasm denial.

Yeah. I like this because for me, my. One of my goals, which is to be able to orgasm without touching myself.

The mind gasm.

The mind gasm or the breathgasm or however. And you do realize that the longer you go without actually touching yourself, like, your body parts just start to feel, like, crazy awesome, but cool. And you're just. Because it is that, like, you are frustrated with yourself because you're like, no, I really want to touch myself. But if you're, like, resilient. One, it teaches you willpower.

Yes, for sure. It's hard to have that willpower.

It's really hard. So try to channel this. If you're not trying not to eat that fifth slice of pizza. And then two, it really. Does you realize how much that anticipation actually feels good. Like, the climax is just the climax. But, like, the buildup is awesome.

Buildup is magic. I mean, that's when people say, like, how do I have multiple orgasms? Or how do men have multiple orgasms? Like, it's about this teasing and knowing, like, your edge and stuff. So I think you guys should check out the blog and talk to your partner about this or do it tonight when you masturbate.

I have a question about mindgasms.

Yeah.

Would a wet dream be considered a.

Form of a mindgasm?

It would thinking about it. Because you're having a dream about a sexual activity. It would be an indirect mind gasm.

Nice.

Yeah. Soon. Yeah.

Had to ask.

We're talking about thinking yourself. Thinking yourself off. Breathing yourself off. Totally possible. It's my goal too. I haven't worked towards it yet.

Right. Not enough taking breaks. It's hard because you really do just want to.

Just want to get. You just want to knock one out.

Exactly.

But the reason why I'm telling you about this orgasm denial thing is because like, I know that you all want to have different kind of sex. I know that sex is going to get boring and stale and. And wrote with the same person over and over again. Even if you've been with 10 people and the sex is the same, which is typically what happens. You're like, this is just like having sex with this person. I'm doing the same positions. This is something that is actually I love this orgasm to now because it has all the built in elements of slowing down, connecting with your partner, exploring all the other erogenous zones and more likely to lead to orgasm. Like to me, great elements of a fantasy right there. A fun thing to do.

And I think it takes the pressure or the focus of goal oriented orgasms off the table. Like it makes it easier to just be in your body.

Right. Because you're not focused on orgasm, you're focused on pleasure, which is what we want you to do anyway. I don't want sex to be this linear thing where you're only focusing on orgasm. Let's be honest. We all know that that's what we're looking for. But when you let go of that attachment to the orgasm, you're more likely to have one. And then you're like, whoa, I can't wait for. Then you have other things on the menu. When your partner says what feels good? You can say O. Actually really like the way you were touching me the other night when we were doing that thing. And so it's not like you have to. It's a learning tool. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We're gonna get into your calls.

Tracy, 30 in Utah. Hi Tracy, how can I help?

Hi.

Hi. Thanks for calling.

Yeah, no problem. My husband and I have been together for eight years and when we have anal. When I penetrate him, it hurts him.

Oh, okay.

We have done a lot of different things. Anal ease, which kind of numbs everything.

We approach it really slow. Yeah, well, he just says it's uncomfortable.

Well, did he ask for it really slow? Right. So why are you doing it? Does he say he still wants to do it? He still wants you to do something.

I like and so it's not necessarily something that he wants. Necessarily. It's something that I like. So he goes with it.

I see.

For me.

Okay, well, maybe you just need a smaller toy.

We have a very small toy. I mean, like fingers, Nothing.

Okay. So, Tracy, what is it that you like about it? Like what. What part of it? What is it giving to you in that moment?

You know, it's naughty.

It's naughty. It's taboo.

It's not happening to me.

Right? It's like. It's not so taboo.

I mean, I like anal too, and that's great. And then it's fine with me and stuff, but it's just switching things up, you know?

I hear you. So you want him to enjoy it, right? So I feel like. Do you think he's tensing up? Is he. Because really, that's.

Yes.

Okay, so he's got to breathe. It helps if he's already aroused. And maybe he already has an orgasm or he's really turned on and he's ready for it. And you use a ton of lube, like so much lube, and then more lube. And you use good lube and you reapply it. And then you. You gotta pay. He's gotta make sure that he's breathing like you breathe. You inhale.

You exhale. When you enter, you enter it, and he inhales. When he's exhaling is when you can enter. See what I'm saying? Like, you guys could do a breath thing. Inhale, pause, exhale, enter. And then he can be breathing with that and just make sure that he's relaxed. But if it's hurting him, we do want to stop. Like, do not do it if he's hurting. So I'm just trying to figure out, you want to do something taboo. Is there there something else that you could maybe do that would give you just as much pleasure and him pleasure?

We are all for trying new things.

What about like some other kind of like, penis, like a vibrating cock ring or something? Or like a penis vibrator, like a penis stimulator, like the hot octopus is a cool one. Like something that he could get turned on and aroused to help him relax also. So if he's already has an erection and you do it, that could help tying him up.

That is a good idea.

There you go.

Full of them.

Full of good ideas. So check it out. Have some more. You're so welcome, Tracy. Let me know. It goes here to help.

It's interesting.

It is interesting that she wants it. It's taboo. This is What I'm talking about. Well, why does she want. Well, what is it? Because he's having pain, and we can give you some adjusts, but what are you trying to. What do you want to feel in the moment that you're having sex? Like, what is it about wearing a strap on and penetrating your partner's anus? That is. And she's saying it's taboo, it's powerful, it makes her feel a certain way. So now that we know that, we can give you some other things that might give you that same power. Maybe there's some kind of chastity thing.

Yeah, I was sorry.

Or she could lock up his penis in a cage. It's not like I was thinking before I actually saw chastity belts. I actually pictured, like, a birdcage with a lock on it.

No, literally, same thing. I imagined a giant metal diaper type situation. And that's why I was like. I couldn't figure it out. I was like, how do you pee, right, if you have this on?

Right?

And then I saw one and I was like, oh, that's not even scary. It kind of looks like a slinky.

Looks like a Slinky, exactly. With a little lock on it. And that could be. It sounds like she might be into domination, Dom, sub. And maybe. I'm sure he is, too. If it's her husband, he's consenting. So they're just. Maybe there's some other power play things they could look into.

Like, she could tie him up.

She could tie him up and, like.

Maybe he's into spanking.

Maybe he wants to be spanked. That's taboo for many.

Maybe he wants to, like. Maybe she can, like, do some orgasm denial with him, like, while he's tied up or something.

Exactly. She can be like, you can't come yet. You can't come to, like, tell you to come.

It's like the best kind of torture.

Yes. Because you know you're gonna get there eventually. And it makes the orgasm that much more intense and exciting. And it's fun and it's playful. And couples who engage in, like, whatever the spectrum of power play is, it could just be like, words like, don't come till I tell you to come. It could be holding your hands above, you know, above their head or hitting them back with your hands. It could be you're putting their cock in a cage. All that stuff counts on the spectrum of things that are, you know, power play, dominant or submissive or taboo. Like, all those things fall under that same umbrella. We could talk to Wendy, 31, in Los Angeles. Hi, Wendy. What's going on? How can I help?

Hi, good evening. Can you hear me?

I got you. Yep.

Okay. I just had a question. So my partner is very, I guess, spontaneous, and he likes to have, like, sexual encounters in public places. And, I mean, sometimes it's just not. It's not okay. You know, it's not, like, the best place. You know, I just wanted to see if there's anything like, that would be an alternative to that or still get the same kind of, like, excitement.

Yeah. Have you asked him what part of having sex in public turns him on? Like, is it that he could get caught? Is it that it's just taboo?

I think it's the whole getting caught thing, because we've. I've kind of, like, asked him, like, what is it, you know, about it? And he's just like, well, you know, the fact that it's like, anyone could, you know, come up at that moment or anyone, you know, could stop it.

Right. Okay. And I get it. And you don't want to do it, like, sitting in the. Wherever. Where does he want to do it that it doesn't work? Where did you guys do it that you felt bad? You felt like, this is not cool.

Okay. So he has, like, a higher, I guess, truck. And, like, it's more visible, like, to be able to see it. And, like, right outside of, like. Like a stop sign, he would, like, park, and he'd be like, oh, you know, like, you know, give me head at this time or whatever. So it's, like, where people are passing by.

Yeah. Well, Wendy, what are you into? What? Okay, I get it. I get the picture of him in the truck and you giving him blowjob at the stop sign. And I want to know, Wendy, what. What do you want to do?

I mean it.

What are you into?

I mean, I would want to, you know, like, enjoy. Make him enjoy the moment or, like, guess experience, like, whatever he wants. But it's just some places are not.

It's not safe or legal. So I would say, like, what if it's just out? Like, I'm trying to think, because all of it is, like, how about in, like, your backyard? Or I was gonna say, like, in a car, but not a high car. Not, like a big truck parked on the side of the road or, like, in the driveway. It's a tough one if it's not what you're into, because it's. Then you won't have any fun. So if he wants to be daring and try something different, you Know, like, what about. Do you guys go to hotel? Like, I've. We've all done. I mean, we've all. We've talked about this. Like a balcony at a hotel or a rooftop.

Okay. Yeah, it's kind of.

Yeah, like something like that where you're like, I don't know, I feel like, you know, I don't want you to get forced to doing things you don't want to do. But you could also, like, there's some great toys now that are like remote control sex toys where you could control it with your phone. You could be wearing it, he could be wearing it. Like, he could wear a cock ring. And you could wear a. A panty vibe, like the moxie from we Vibe. And you could be playing around with like being flirty in public. And like, maybe you, you know, you're in a restaurant, you're both wearing the toys and you're like playing with the apps and having. Or, you know, that could be something that's kind of fun. You could get caught for getting each other off in public, but no one can see because it's in your pants.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, just.

I mean, I would get some more information from him, but I would not put yourself in a situation that doesn't feel comfortable for you. But I think you guys can find some things. And I also want to know what you want. Wendy, I know you want to please him, but what would be hot for you? What's your fantasy? Maybe there's a way to incorporate both two for one.

Yeah. I mean, I never thought about anything like that. Well, it's becoming more daring for him. Like before it was just like. Oh, maybe like it just happened that, you know, he got excited at this moment and then we just went for it. But now it's becoming like, like every time.

Every time? Yeah. Well, Wendy, how does that feel?

Like I said, it's something like it would be like maybe like once to try, like just to, you know, get out of the way. But now it's becoming more, you know, like it's escalating.

Yeah. And that's could be like, I want to make sure that you have boundaries around this and that, you know, it's okay not to fulfill all of his stuff. Cause it's dangerous. You could get arrested if he has this, like, I want to keep, you know, upping the ante. I want. He probably has like that, you know, thrill. He gets a thrill for, you know, breaking the law, for taking risks, high risk taking behaviors. It's. It's actually a, you Know, it's a character trait. Like people who take high risks in other areas and stuff. Like, he's rides a fast truck, maybe does all these things. All I'm telling you is that I want you to figure out what you like and don't let him push you to a point where it doesn't work out for you. So just to make sure you take care of your needs. Wende, thanks for calling. I think it's a really good time when your partner starts making demands that don't feel great to you to remember that, A, you have a choice, you don't have to do it, and B, what a great time to think about what would turn you on. Because I know. I recognize in her being a pleaser. And I used to always want to do what my partner wanted. And I'm like, what about me? This is what I like. Hey, what if we both get turned on? How about that? Okay, let's talk to James, 39, in West Virginia. Hi, James, thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi.

Well, so I've been married. Me and my wife's been married for almost 17 years. And I love going down on her, but it seems like the only way that I can get her off that way is if I, like, blow on her.

All right.

My lip. Cool.

Well, I mean, after a while, my lips get numb and it's like it. You know, sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

Like doing, like, the motorboat, like. Like that. Got it. So. So that's the only way. Okay. So have you ever tried anything else? Have you ever tried a vibrator? Have you tried your fingers?

We use toys and stuff, but I was trying to find another way orally, to do it because, I mean, I enjoy it as much as she does.

Right. But it takes a while. I would say. I would. I would say. Do you. Have you bought toys? Have you bought the womanizer?

We haven't bought that. No. She prefers, like, little, like, bullets. I got bought her one that's, like, I don't know, probably three inches long.

Okay.

It's rechargeable, waterproof, all that.

Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. So does that work, too? I mean, I'm trying to think what else you could. Yeah, I mean, could you use your fingers with the vibrator? Could you use your mouth and then use a toy and then go back with your mouth? Are you looking for totally other ways? You mean, like, different? Like, I mean, honestly, it's fingers, mouth, hands, toys, using lube. She could, like, rub up against you, like, on your leg. She could. I'm trying to think of what else. I mean, that's pretty much what you do. Have you ever gone down on her, like, over her underwear? Like, over it? Like, sometimes there's, like, a really cool sensation where you breathe on it. Like, you could, like, breathe, like, warm air and, like, the scent, it, like, really stimulates all her nerve endings.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, years ago.

Well, try it again. Doesn't mean it expires. I know. I mean, I feel like it's like a different sensation. Like the different kinds of underwear. Like lacy underwear or cotton underwear. It all feels really different. So it sounds like she just really likes, like, clitoral stimulation. So I think playing and all the toys are different. Like, the Womanizer is a different than any other toy. Or the Meltdown by WE Vibe, too, is a great one for couples play. Well, they're all great, but it's like that suction. And it's a great holiday gift. I'm just telling you. Everyone loves Womanizer. If you love oral sex. She loves oral sex. It's the thing that I found, the one toy that I found that closely. The most closely stimulates oral sex.

Okay.

Okay.

So check those out. Yeah, you're so welcome, James. I feel like for oral, like, I'm trying to think, like, what am I not thinking? There's so many things, but it's really like your toys, your hand, your mouth. Clearly, he says that 17 years. He knows she's not gonna orgasm through penetration. He'll get it. Play with some. They should go to a sex toy store together and go shopping. This is the other thing. If you're listening, it might be fun to go to a sex toy store where you. Near where you live and go shopping. And, like, kind of. Here's a hot tip. If you go testing vibrators, if you test them on the tip of your nose, you can tell how it's gonna feel on your clitoris. Fun fact. So maybe you could go pick out some fun gifts to play with. Oh, also some of that cool stuff and, like, stuff that you blow on.

Oh, yeah. Like, System Joe has some really nice. We both did this for. I know.

What's it called? The Jolt or the Volt Jolt. And it's literally a bolt jolt. It has, like, this tingling sensation that you get on your clip. I mean, so, yeah. Play with the senses. I love.

Wow. I gotta find that. Cause I know I have. The Arctic is the cool one. And I miss that. That.

That's good shit.

Makes me go cold.

We have like cinnamon or something. Was it hot? Jamie and I, right, we were doing a. We were testing it together.

Oh, we were doing. For the podcast. We were doing an ad read.

We were doing an ad read and we're like, oh, well, why don't we actually be using it? So I went to the bathroom, I put on my clitoris. This happens in our office. Jamie goes, puts on, and then we record the ad read and describe what we're feeling with this tingly sensation.

Yeah, it was real time.

I wonder how many. I wonder if they. I'm sure they heard from a lot of people. In real time. In real time. It does work. It does work. Everything we talk about in the show you can find@sexwithemily.com and in the nav bar, just look at show notes. Everything we've talked about the last year will be there. Okay, let's talk to Tim 64 in Iowa. Hi, Tim, thanks for calling and for holding.

Hi, thanks for taking my call.

Of course.

Hey, I got a. It's like a topic. Maybe you could expound on it. I don't have the issue, but, like, we're to educate men on how to treat women that have had sexual, you know, rapes or molesting or trauma. I just thought it'd be something interesting. Interesting, you know, that you could share with your.

Oh, sure. Did you have a specific question or do you want me to talk about. You want to take it offline or did you.

Okay, yeah, I'll just take it off block.

Okay.

It'd be a good.

It's a great topic and we. We've touched on it, but. Absolutely. I will get into that now. Thanks, Tim. Great. Great topic. Okay, so if you are with a partner, man or woman who's had sexual trauma, the first thing is, you know, if they've shared that with you, you just have to, you know, be comforting and be empathic. But I have to tell you the. Really, the only way, if you have sexual trauma, the only way that I've seen that helps you kind of move it through your body and not have it be controlling your sex life and your decision making and all these things is therapy. Because otherwise a lot of these sexual situations are still going to be charged for you. It's still going to be like, oh, God, I mean, you could be raped or sexually molested when you're like a young kid, and then at like 35, 40, you're having sex and it's still triggering. So for what I've found, the most help. Is there different kinds of Therapy, in particularly EMDR therapy, is a therapy that has helped so many people with trauma. And it helps. It uses bilateral brain stimulation. And what that means is you're talking to a therapist while reliving the trauma, and then it rewires your brain so things don't no longer charge you as much. You don't have that response. So that's one thing. As far as how to treat someone, I think it's just like, with respect and love and understanding, and if they need to go slow, you go slower. If there's things that are off limits, they're off limits. Allowing them to share their grief around it and talk about it. I think that's how you. You support someone, but also gently, kindly move them into. Towards therapy if it's still. Because I assume that Tim's asking and anyone be curious about this because. Because it's probably, you know, something that's an issue in the relationship. You know, how that usually manifests is people to shut down sexually, or maybe they have pain during sex, or maybe they're not very adventurous in bed, or they want the lights off, or, you know, all these things could be a result of unwanted, you know, sexual tension or trauma. So I really think that's kind of hard for us on our own to get rid of, to kind of make it go away. Even though we think, like, usually how we all deal with trauma or something horrific that happens to us is we shove it down. Like, we shove it down deep because we do not want to feel it, we don't want to talk about it. And it's. The further I push it down there, the more that I numb it and the more years that go by, well, I'll just. It won't live there anymore. I've killed the demon. But unfortunately, with things like trauma, it's not that easy.

So if you're with someone, though, and you find out, they, like, finally feel comfortable letting you know, hey, I went through this trauma, blah, blah, blah. So I have some problems with things like, like, if they're trying. If they're, like, how long, like, can you wait? Like, if they are, like, trying to work through it, but they're actually not taking those steps. Like, I would feel so bad to break up with someone that's had that. But if they're not doing anything about it.

Well, I think it depends on what the thing is. But yeah, I think. Well, listen, I think it's really hard to be with someone who isn't in a growth mindset, who isn't. Who doesn't Want to be constantly working, you know, not constantly. Okay, I know it's like, a little aggressive, but they don't want to kind of work through things that are troubling them, whether it be a debt in the family or losing a job or abuse. Any kind. Like you. You really. It helps you in every other area of your life. So if you're with someone who doesn't want to do the work, but then they're withholding sex or they're not able to connect with you intimately, I think you. You can't. You can only stay as long as you can stay. But I think it gets really frustrating after a while when you. When you're with someone and you want them to get help and they don't. So I think everyone has to decide how long is too long.

I just feel like. Because I. I would feel like such a dick.

Well, I think that if you were someone who was really heartfelt with your partner, said, you know what, babe? I. I really think it's so important. Our intimacy is so important for us and for me to feel connected to you. And I realize that when you're really shut down for the last three years, and I feel like sex has become less and less frequent and you've had a lot of pain, and I don't feel like we're really connected anymore because we haven't had sex in months or we barely do, or when you have sex, you cry. I mean, whatever it is, like. And I need to figure out a way that we can to, you know, I can go with you to therapy. You know what I'm saying? So I think, no, you're not going to abandon them after trying. But I get what you're saying. It's tricky. But actually, like, I'm going to go back to something I said earlier in the show. Sometimes the people that leave us or hurt us are the people where we actually have to wake up and learn our lessons. Sometimes we're finally ready after it happens too many times. Someone leaves us, we break out. It's another bad relationship repeating the patterns over and over and over again. You're like, okay, finally, I've had enough. You know what? Maybe it's not that I'm dating a bunch of weirdos or assholes or jerks or bitches. It's that there's something going on with me. Thank you, everyone, for supporting the show, telling your friends, posting about it. I love getting all of your messages, your tweets, Instagram all those things. And if you also rate us, review us wherever you listen. That really helps the show. So just five stars. Leave a comment itunes that really helps. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening and thank you to my incredible team. I love you Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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