Anal August Knockin' At Your Backdoor

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, in honor of Alternative Sex Month, I'm bringing you a mashup show all about anal sex. The trials, the tribulations, the pleasures, and of course, some tips to make it as amazing and as pleasant as possible. Topics include: alright, so your partner keeps pestering you for anal, and it might not be your thing, but it might be, who knows? Maybe you just haven't used the right tips yet. We've got some tips here to help you do it right. And we also have a bunch of different women from different backgrounds telling their stories about about backdoor play, from toys to experiences. And I think we all learn from each other, so you're gonna enjoy it. Plus, the overall attraction to backdoor play, the myths debunked, and ways to warm yourself up to it. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because I got my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my, do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good, but you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, and you can easily find our podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. We love when you comment and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen. And you can also find me on SiriusXM Radio. It's Stars Channel 109, and I'm there now Monday through Fridays, 5 to 7 PM Pacific, 8 to 10 East. And you guys can call in and ask me your questions at 888-947-8277. And you can also get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com/sx. XM. And as always, you can find me on all social media. It's @sexwithemily. All right, guys, I hope you enjoy the show. We get this email today. We get a message from Instagram, right? And I'm like, I can't answer that just in a short message. I need to talk. And here's the thing. I don't usually recommend starting anything in life with this, especially your sex life. You got to work your way up. But since I've been hearing this, I'm just going to lay it out there. I'm gonna start with anal. I like to warm up, but this question, it was anal.

Burnout hot.

Yeah, usually I'm like, okay, well maybe third segment. How do I get my boyfriend to stop asking me about anal? We get questions like that.

It's like the million-dollar question.

It is, and I feel like, okay, you know what? I usually like to warm people up. Maybe we should make out first, have some foreplay, talk about breastgasms, and then anal. But no, I'm going into it because I know that so many women can relate to this, and personally, I've been— people are like, you know, anal, anal, anal, and I know, I just hear, and it's confusing. And so, because first of all, and you know, you could actually even fill in the blank. Like, we often hear like, how do I get my partner to stop asking me to blank? And a lot of what we do, I do on the show here, is help you guys kind of figure out how to get on the same page about things. But the anal thing is like, it's tricky because Anal is a whole world of confusion for many people. Now, here's what happens. So, a lot of times, people in relationships think, okay, we've done, you know, whatever, long or short term, they say, we've done everything, but we're still waiting for the but, the but, right? And it's still like this taboo, but if we do anal, then, oh, that's how we're gonna spice it up. That's how we're really gonna be freaky and be out there. So, I feel like there's many a man who, and I'm gonna put this on the, the men right now, people with a penis, that they're like, okay, anal and/or threesome. They're like, let's spice it up. We should have a threesome, we should have anal. And then I hear from partners all the time, we're like, well, what do I do? That's what they want. And so the thing is here, but here, so we're going to stick with anal though. That my thing about anal is this, I get why, and I get it. The truth is it can be a very, very pleasurable experience for men and women, like essentially anyone with an anus. They would, there's nerve endings, it can feel great. Men have a prostate. That's a whole other thing. But for women too, it's not for every woman, but many women don't. Here's the thing, either there's fear around it, why women don't want to do it. Taboo, fear, and they had a one-time bad experience. A lot of people do anal wrong and there are very specific ways to do it right. And if you were like drunk in college once or oops, wrong hole happened just by mistake, or there was no lube. That's the worst.

That's how it happens. I think most frequently is how it happened to me.

Yeah, right? And you're like, never again.

Oh my God. Yeah, I crawled into fetal position and I yelled at him.

So painful.

Stop, right? Don't fucking touch me. Yeah, exactly. They don't know though. They don't even know they went in the wrong hole. Like, oh, it felt good.

He's like, what'd I do?

Right? And then you're probably like, no, fetal, shut down for business.

You like crawl away. Yeah, you just crawl in. You're like, no, just give me a minute.

Right, exactly. It's an assault on your anus when you were not invited. You weren't expecting to knock on the door.

Virgin anus.

A virgin anus.

There was no knock on the door. That was just busting right through. They feel— they usually feel really bad.

Oh yeah, he was like, oh my God, what'd I do?

Right, of course, he didn't mean to, but you can't help that experience.

It's always during doggy style.

It wasn't wet and slippery though, because the anus doesn't self-lubricate.

No, I mean, that's usually why it happens, is that things are wet. Things get wet, slippery, you drip down, and then like it Just on a pull out and then just back in.

It's mostly during doggy style. I can't picture it accidentally happening any other way.

It can happen when your legs are more full back, part—

Oh, okay.

I see that.

Yeah, that's happened to me before. Yeah, no, they're like backing up.

I feel like that would hurt even more.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I blocked it till now, but thank you for having me relive all the bad experiences. So it's like, and so I get that that happens and I understand. And it's like, because so there's very like specific ways You got to be open-minded. So, let's say that happened to you. I get it. I could understand you being like, no, I am shut down for business. But let me talk to you about how it could be done correctly and why it might feel good. Now, first of all, for many women, they can have orgasms. Many women do have orgasms through anal. In fact, I met a woman the other night because people tell me everything. I literally just met her and she said, oh, you know, I can only remember how this came up right away, but something in the first 10 minutes of knowing her, she said, I don't have orgasms through intercourse. I only have orgasms through anal.

Interesting.

Yeah. One of the main reasons is there's indirect stimulation to your G-spot. There's a thin membrane in the anus that is separating that. So, it could be hitting up against it, right? So, I had a girlfriend call me. She's been married for a while and she kept saying her husband wants to do it, anal, and she doesn't want to. I said to her, I said, but you have great— you orgasm a lot, you know, because not every woman has orgasms internally. And I said, and you do, and I'm just saying, "You guys have been together, you love your husband, maybe, you know, put aside whatever fears or whatever these beliefs from religion, I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it might be you might actually like it." And she was like, "What? I might?" And she was kinda like, "No, I don't know." And she's still mulling it over. But, you know, the main thing is just to like, first of all, you just wanna, you would wanna start slow. You'd wanna use lube, you'd wanna like, you know, warm up the body. You never wanna go right in.

No.

Ever. You know, you never wanna— you know, you could use like a finger or like a little butt plug or just out on the outside of it. Just don't rush right in. So anyway, if your partner— how do you get my boyfriend, you know, she said, stop asking me. It's like, no one wants to be nagged for anything. That's not how you get anything. But the conversation would be like, if you're in this situation where you want your partner to do anything, first of all, and they're not into it, it's more about what can we do together? What can we do together? Then what would you be into? Like, I think that most people are— it's not only that I'm not saying anal doesn't feel good for everybody. Can feel good good for everybody involved, but there's other ways to play. Like, there's other things that you could do that spice things up. Like, you don't just have to be like, you're like, oh, now it's time to spice it up, you know? Like, you could do— you guys could do bondage. So easy. Like, if you, you know, use handcuffs, you could do some Dom/sub play.

Yeah, the bondage.

Just spanking it. Bondage tape. You guys, get a roll of bondage tape. It's like $12. And it kind of looks like electrical tape and I'm obsessed with it because you can reuse it and you can just like, it just easily rips apart. It sticks to itself. You put it on your wrist, you put it like, you use it as a blindfold and then you're like tied up. And the reason it feels good to kind of have, we all, there's always an energy exchange in sex anyway, whether it's masculine, feminine energy or like a dominant submissive. And so there's a lot of people who want to be more submissive. So you just play with that. That might be that titillating spicy thing that night.

I feel like bondage tape is what we all wish Saran Wrap could be because Saran Wrap sticks to itself and then it never looks the same again, but the bondage tape, it sticks to itself but then you can unstick it and it's still usable.

Exactly.

Sorry, I was just thinking about covering your face.

No, you know why? We had a roll of Saran Wrap in here for like a year. Oh, yeah. And does anyone have this at home that there's that, and you just, you keep trying to get it to unstick itself.

You just make it worse.

And then, and I would try and then I'd put it back in the drawer and then I'd forget. And then like, okay, well then, and then you try again and then you like start wrap, unwrap and you get like a little thin strip. And then I think Jamie was like, I know.

No, literally.

I've been working on this since a year. Oh, we're throwing this shit away. Seriously? Not pun intended.

This was like a real thing in our office. Like I would try for so long to find, I was like, I'm going to find the beginning because it would, it didn't make any sense how it was going.

It never made sense.

And I would try every so often and just get so frustrated. And one day Emily's just like, we just, we'll just throw it away and get new strand wrap. We can get new strand wrap.

It's like, it was like the Rubik's Cube of ran, right? Was like, there's no start and end. It doesn't make sense why this role is this fucked up. And we kept going back to it like, toss it, go to Rite Aid, right?

We were determined though.

But I didn't know, it was like we were both working on a puzzle we had never discussed.

Like you're both just making it worse and you're like, wait a second.

But not the bondage tape. Anyways, okay, so bondage tape. I wish we— do we have some here? Because we could put— I know we've done videos with before. We could film it.

It's somewhere.

Okay, well, we're gonna show you, but it is cool. But I think— and you guys call us with anything, 888-947-8277.

Besides bondage, you can also—

yeah, you guys, here's the thing, watching porn together. I always feel like I have to caveat this. I feel like I'm very 50/50 on porn. You know, I get when it's harmful, but I think for a lot of couples, I love porn for couples, finding what is really hot for both of you. And at night, you'll forget all about anal, perhaps. You'll be like, that was cool. We learned this new position. Are we like, we've never, 'cause you guys, I think many of you are very, most of us, except for me, 'cause I studied some of you here, have been here. You're very limited in the way you think about your options when it comes to sex. You're like, I could have missionary, I could have doggy style, and I could have, what's our other one? Spooning.

Woman on top.

Woman on top. That's what we got. We got 3, and that's not true. There's variations to them. There's a way to mix them up. So I'm just saying, if you're trying to get your partner to do something, like, kind of expand what you think sex is and what's hot and what, you know, what is different. We've got a lot of great information on our site. There's stuff out there. Do your research. Get a sex swing. I love that call we had with the guy who DIYed his own sex swing. I almost forgot about sex swings. Yeah, I always make jokes. I'm like, when people used to tell me they had amazing sex, I'm like, what do you mean? Like, were you in a sex swing? Like, I don't actually know people who have really used it lately in my life. Freaking, it makes sense. You're suspended, you're out, right? You're like rubbing against each other. That would be fucking fun.

And you get momentum. You get momentum.

Gravity.

Who doesn't like, first of all, swinging? Swinging, the actual act of swinging is fun.

It's kind of therapeutic.

It is therapeutic. And then just imagine you're childlike and free.

Exactly, you're childlike and free and you're swinging.

I should go on a swing today.

Some genitals.

I'll go with you.

Yeah, I know, really. I was feeling like I need some childlike freedom today.

Get as high as you can.

Yeah, no, you're right. There is that in the swing because you're truly swinging and it's playful and it's different. Get some toys if you're looking for something else to do. Toys, porn, what else? Like porn, um, I don't know, we get a lot of things about like, no, I don't do toys, I don't want to try anything different, it should just be penetration, which is going to get boring to anybody.

I don't know, like role play.

Yeah, yeah, role play is like, I think once you guys try, I feel like we've gotten We've gotten, maybe I've gotten close to a lube on every nightstand, or people at least considering it, which is one of my visions. But if I could get people just to try roleplay, which you literally don't have to buy a thing, just bring your imagination along and say, you know what, I've had a fantasy about, you have to tell your, maybe you thought the barista was hot who made your espresso this morning. And then you're thinking about that. And then you go to your partner and you can be like, I think it'd be hot if you were the one making coffee and I walked in in the morning and you asked me where I'm from and I'm saying I'm studying and I'm a student from, and you just, Freaking go there, and then you embody whatever character you want to be. Think about how you'd feel if you came into a coffee shop and there was a hot— you know, and then your partner personifies that, you know, he makes it his own or she makes it her own, and then you just go off. And then why role-playing is so fun is because then you're not in your head about obsessive thoughts about like, what should I do that's interesting? Do I look hot? Am I gonna have an orgasm? Should I initiate? You're just off on your own thing, and it's good for creativity when it comes to sex and just It's just, it's hot too, because you can play your alter ego. You could play out your fantasies in the moment.

Yeah, I think some of the best advice that like computed in my brain so like just clicked, I was like, oh my gosh, this is so genius, is when you told someone who called in about role play, she, uh, the baseball one, she had like a baseball character, but you said give her a name, like create, you know, like a whole story behind it so that way you can get more comfortable. Like, it's not really me, like before you even start doing it, right before you walk into the room and be like, okay, yeah.

Because she was surprising her boyfriend who loves—

she was so nervous—

Chicago Cubs or something.

Yep.

Yeah. And she was like, walked in and she's like, yeah, I'm like, well, who— you're a cheerleader and what's your name and what's your fan? She's like, okay, I'm Stacy and I'm this. And she was like, she— because we— it's so fearful meeting up to it. So it's, yeah, think about it beforehand, plan it, plan it out in your head.

Yeah.

I love when my voice comes back to me. It's good. Yeah. I'm like, yes. I'm gonna do that tomorrow. Who would I be? So yeah, that's what I think. And then the other thing I was saying about anal, back to it, is that I was thinking about, I think it was about 2004, 2005, I realized that it was about the time I was starting the show, I thought, God, anal, it was my friend Mark said this. He was like, anal's the new blowjob. And I was like, you're right. Anal is, 'cause anal, you guys have to understand that it wasn't really, that wasn't even on the menu. Before porn became so ubiquitous and we had it on our phones, Younger people, whoever generations, or people who just saw, watch a lot, it doesn't matter, you could be any age, but in porn, they make anal look so easy. They're like, they're not showing you lube, they're not showing you warming up the buttocks, they're not showing you like, you know, that she hasn't eaten in a day and she's, you know, like cleaned out. They're just like, boop, looks so easy. Like you go into the vagina, you go into the anus and it's all great. No, it's not that simple either.

And they're pros.

They're professionals.

They're professionals at it.

That's their job to make it look easy.

Sorry, this question is actually, Really, I have no idea what the answer is. Is it safe to go from vagina to butthole like that?

Those fluids?

Yes, you can go vagina to butt, but you can't go anal to vagina. Always, always switch condoms, wash off. Yeah, 'cause the bacteria.

Okay.

But you can go from, yeah, vagina to ass. Very good question. Yeah, so wait. You're like, do I know this? Yeah.

Yeah, no surprise anal.

No surprise, ain't all.

You gotta plan, because like, what if— exactly, what if— what did you eat that day?

Exactly, that's what I want to tell people. You don't have to do an enema, you really don't, and you don't have to starve yourself. But you know when you've moved a bowel, like, I think you know, you know your natural cycle. And so I think, yeah, you don't want to go out for a big heavy meal. You want to make sure maybe that day you're kind of, you know, maybe the day before taking all the eating foods that are not as spicy food. Yeah, nothing spicy, kind You know? If you insisted on doing an enema, if you bought one, I would never do— you would empty out the vinegar or whatever's in it. I'm like squeezing the things. You'd empty out the one you got at the drugstore and don't use the vinegar and you can just use warm water. But you can't just surprise someone. And also, the most important thing besides lube is to breathe, too, and to be relaxed, which is why there's all those painful experiences. Breathing. You gotta relax. All those things.

And then we talk about going slow and starting with a finger and doing all that. Is that something that happens like, in all in the same night and you can still get to the penis in one night, or is it like, I feel like you should do it a couple times, right?

Yeah, for sure. A couple times. You want to like, oh yeah, you got to go slow with all of this if it's new to you. Like, the reason why— let's go back. How do I get my boyfriend to stop asking about anal? Once she— maybe she rests into it and thinks, okay, well, maybe I'll explore. You start with maybe one night you're just touching. Maybe you're just— your partner's just exploring down there and they're like using their mouth, or maybe the first fingers with lube. And they're just like kind of— maybe they're massaging your butt cheeks so that you're relaxed. And it's just— there's no entering. Zero entering. You're like knocking on the door. You're tapping. You're not entering. I would say that could go on 1, 2, but go on as long as you want until you feel comfortable. And then maybe the next time you see how like a pinky feels, move into it. Go slow. Breathe. Lube. All things.

Yeah, I don't think enough people know that. Don't go straight to the—

no, they don't know it. I just thought they needed to know.

And what if, like, you've tried— it's like you had a previous partner and you tried anal, like, a few times, and you did it the right ways, and you just— it wasn't your thing, you didn't like it, but your new partner is continuing to ask for it.

Exactly. Well, then, okay, that's a great other point. If you truly have done all the ways— you breathe, you try it, and you actually have done it, you know, in the, in the correct way— and you're like, no, still not my thing, absolutely not your thing, do not do it again, you know that it's not right for you. You can never talk your partner into anything like that if they really have tried it. You actually never can. That has to be their own idea. So yes, if you've tried it, then you just got to say, you know what, babe, that's not my thing. I'm so open to try exploring other things. And then you can also say, is this going to be a deal breaker for you? Like, if this is something that you require a relationship that has a big anal component to it, and I'm not going to be able to do that, then you can end the relationship. You know, you can decide. People get to decide. If I was with someone and they were like, I don't want oral sex to be a part of our relationship, I would be like, peace out. We would end the relationship. So I think it's legitimate if you know what you're into sexually and you just have your requirements, your bottom lines, your deal breakers, and how great that you know that about yourself, and then just go find somebody who's more compatible. All right guys, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back even more anal.

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Let's get into anal, you guys, because I feel like when I started my show, it was always like, I thought that, I feel like it was in the last 10 years even, it was always about like blowjobs, whatever. But anal, like with porn and everything, I just feel like everyone wants to talk about anal. But a lot of people are also confused and intimidated about anal sex. So what's been your experience with anal sex?

Oh, I might reveal myself to be the most inexperienced, actually. I've never had anal.

Okay.

I've had some fingers up there, which I don't mind, but I've never— I think like it didn't really enter into my world until after, like probably in like only in the last maybe 3 years has it been a thing that people are really talking about. And it's never kind of naturally come up in conversation with with guys that I dated prior to that.

So they weren't even— they weren't like, hey baby, I wanna—

no, no. And, and like the last year it's been definitely, definitely more prominent.

Okay.

With fingers and so forth. But I, I've never had full— now I would, I totally would. It's not something that I'm dying to have because of the poop issue that we discussed.

Yeah, I also— okay, well, I poop a lot though. So I just taught an anal sex workshop. Oh yeah. No, but I, I did, and I really think that so many people are interested in learning about it because they are very confused by, you know, how to keep clean. Do you do enemas? And I was like, no enemas. You don't want to buy like an enema in the store, but you water enema, like just buy the enema thing, the squeezy thing, and just put warm water in it and you like flush through 3 times and it would just to make sure that you're ready and you're not worried about the poop thing. Because before that I always said just don't have a large— don't go out for Mexican food in a Vayno. But really you got to make sure that you're like emptied out and that is a way to do it.

To me it feels like a new frontier of intimacy. I have yet to find the person that I really want to have intercourse with.

No, it's a big thing. It is a big thing. You know, there's a lot of taboo, there's a lot of intimacy It's just too messy psychologically, emotionally, like just someone going in your ass. Like, totally, you're like there, you're like, um, so okay, what about you, Jen?

Well, I have a— I like a good finger in my butt, but not— we don't need to shoot it up there real quick and just go. It should be like— I almost just prefer like when I'm on top, just like you can touch it and just put it in a little bit, like a little like worm going into a hole. Um, but I, I like that, and so it's made me want to do more anal stuff. Okay, I've done anal once once, and it lasted like 2 minutes, and I was very drunk on tequila, and it felt like a reversal poop. It felt like poop was going back in because, like, you know the feeling when you poop and the poop comes out? It felt like the poop was going back in, and I was like, what's happening? This is the wrong route, you know? And it just felt weird and rushed and not the best experience, but I'd be down.

Well, that's okay. So what I want to say to you is that it's so common that women— like, anal sex just gets a bad rap because a lot of people just don't know what they're doing. And first-time experiences for many women is that they're with a partner, they're drunk. As I always say, they're drunk, the guy just sticks it in without prep because prep takes— you got to warm her up, you want to use your fingers, you want to make sure she's relaxed and use lots of lube. Like when I say lots of lube, like you can just keep pouring on the lube. And so women have experienced a guy just shoving it, it's painful because we're so nervous, we clench. Well, that's the worst thing you can do when you're having it because you're like scared. So you gotta make sure that you're really relaxed, that they've already started to like, you know, do like maybe like a little massage around your anus, play with some fingers, lube, and you just gotta keep breathing and breathing and make sure that he goes in slow. But so many women like don't know this or guys don't know this, and then they're like, it was horrible the first time, I'll never do it again. So I'm here on the planet so people can try this and maybe have a good experience next time. What about you, Kim?

Well, looks like I'm the anal slut here today.

I love it. Everyone needs an anal slut. Okay.

No, not like Seriously, I think it's my age. I've, uh, you know, had maybe more partners. Um, but actually I don't even think I really got into it or even enjoyed it or got much out of it until maybe my early 30s because it was kind of weird and when I was younger or whatever. But, um, definitely it's something that I like to share with like somebody that I'm really into. I like to feel really safe and comfortable. It's not like, hey, let's just hook up and have anal tonight. It's definitely something that I think is very exciting when it's kind of spontaneous And it's actually, once you get into it, it's like, I mean, no, no, no. Well, no, but I get really turned on, especially like, because they're so turned on too.

Yeah.

And especially if like you're touching like your clit while they're back there, and like there's just so many like things, like you just, I don't know, it definitely takes things to the next level.

So what, you know, what positions do you like for anal sex?

Um, I'm just like, you know, like the guy behind is obviously like probably works the best, but I've actually been on top before too, right? And like squatting and like facing, you know, away.

Yeah, like reverse cowgirl. Yeah, anal.

Um, which is super hot too. But just like you said, Emily, you have to like start out with just like the tip, and then you have to breathe, and then you have to like really go— you have to like inch your, your way in like very slowly because it is kind of painful at the beginning. It feels like—

but that's right. But if you breathe and you go slow, then it's almost like you breathe together. Like, you breathe in, and then when you breathe out, he puts in a little more. So it's like you're really, like, synchronized. I mean, it sounds a lot more difficult, but if you just do that and you're relaxed and you keep breathing, it actually is a lot less painful, and it can feel really amazing once you get into that relationship.

Sounds like intimate and wonderful. I'm like, I want a dick.

Let's all go have anal tonight and then go out for drinks before or after. Lori, what about you?

Um, I've had a lot of anal.

Oh, good.

Um, always in a serious relationship, because I think, you know, being able to prep for it is really important. Like, I like to have a shower. I have done, like, water enemas when I was nervous about what meals I had had that day. And, um, it is really intimate, so I, I have to have someone that I know is gonna like listen to me when I say no, that hurts, or whatever. The first time I did it, I was like really drunk and on my period, and I was like, let's just use the other hole.

You know, you're like innovative thinker, right?

And I was so drunk that like at the time I was really into it, and I woke up like in kind pain the next day because I didn't, I didn't do it right. And then in the next relationship that I did it in, we took every step and every precaution to make it feel good. And like, I was psyching myself into having it feel good. Then one time we did it and I was on top like normal cowgirl, and it just like felt amazing. It was, it was like, oh man, this is the, this is the first time I've ever done it that it feels, I think, better for me than it's feeling for them.

And I've been chasing that, chasing that anal high. Yeah, you will get it again, I promise. But that's the thing about about sex is that, you know, that you— we do get so limited the way we think that we can enjoy sex. And my whole purpose, you know, on the planet is telling people that it can expand and grow. And actually, there's— our bodies have so many nerve endings that feel really good that we don't even know about. And you can constantly get better, your sex life, and expand and grow and have different sensations all the time, which I love. So you guys, okay, so anal— any other tips for anal? Did we cover that?

I mean, how about like toys with anal?

Yeah, toys, butt plugs, or vibrators.

You can use Yeah, you can use your vibrator while you're having anal.

And your clitoris?

Or inside.

Inside. That's true. Double penetration.

I mean, tried it.

Yeah, you've tried it. How was it? Yeah, no, for sure.

I think that's what I was thinking about starting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would start there, like either a toy or something that just kind of preps my butthole for future use.

Yeah, little beads, right? Oh, there's anal. Okay, so butt plugs. Here's another great thing for— okay, go back to masturbation for a minute. Yeah, if you're not used to like having anything in your butt There's some great butt plugs that you can get, like silicone butt plugs, and that you could— there's different sizes, there's all different stuff, and you just use a little lube when you're masturbating next time and just try sticking it in and seeing how that feels. So you get used to the sensation of having something inside you. It's great. It's a great warm-up, and it's a great way just to know, like, how you like it. And a lot of people wear butt plugs, like, if they don't want to have anal sex yet with someone, or just as, you know, mix it up, they'll wear it during, during sex. Butt plug.

You wear— you wear— so you keep it in the whole time?

Yeah, you can keep it in. You could wear during foreplay.

I've done anal beads before, actually. I remember, and it was— it's really wonderful when you're right before you're about to come. Like, I was on top and it— we, it—

we used anal beads, which are little beads that go in and you pull it out. You feel the—

and it's just this sensation of just like— it was at the same time, which is so important, timing, of course. And it was like he came as I came, and we— and then he— as he pulled the little beads out, and I was like, oh my God.

Wow.

Because it really was stimulating so many things. It's hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's really hot. Maybe I should do that. It's been a while.

I think you should do it tonight.

At what point did you put the beads in?

Before? Yeah, that's a good question.

Yeah, like, so, like, as we're starting to fuck or I'm on top, we lubed up the beads, I believe. I remember there wasn't like a long string. It wasn't a pearl that went down, you know, it wasn't 6 yards.

Right.

But, um, and then we put them in, just not even all of them, just a few of them in me. And then right before I was like, I'm gonna cum, and then he took them out and that kind of helped me cum. That's the thing too. This is a tip for I think most men. I don't know if they know, if and will, if you are willing to touch a girl's ass asshole, you know, it's clean, it's good, maybe she's on top, you're grabbing her ass, touch her asshole if she's about to come and she will come. Like, to me, it's the cherry on the— like, if I'm like, oh, there— oh no, there it goes. Oh yeah, right, just like an activation button, right?

Or how about spanking your ass?

Oh, I love spanking. I love being spanked so much.

I love—

I like handprints on my ass next day. What the hell? Love it.

So, yeah, I thought we could just do a little rundown here. These are like common questions. You know, people are really obsessed. A lot of people are kind of obsessed with anal sex too and like want to know like, you know, what do you think like the appeal is or why people are so obsessed with it?

Well, I think part of the appeal about anal sex is also because it's in that area of the butt, and I think there's a lot of— there's boob men, there's butt men, there's, you know, people who have different parts of the body, but when you're really into the ass, anal just makes sense. And so for a lot of people, especially Latin guys like myself, or black guys, or people of color, you know, different cultures, it just seems to be like this desire to want to engage with like the curvature and the hourglass sort of nature, you know, area of—

he's like, he's like gripping an ass right now as he's talking. It's very sexy. He's like, the ass, the ass, the ass.

I'm like, wow, I'm making like melons in my hand. But, and so I think that it, for people, that physical arousal does transfer into a lot of their, their desires. And then also anal has this wonderful taboo sort of context to it that really does, I think, get under people's skin and psychologically just get them excited and aroused.

Because of the taboo. Yeah, it's true. And people always want to know, like, how do I do it better? Or they're afraid of it. We're gonna be answering some emails about it, but let's just break down some of the myths, let's say, or taboos, fears. The butt is exit only, not for pleasure. You know, we hear that like, why do anal, you know, when you can like have so many, you have the vagina, or it's not even an erogenous zone. Not true.

Not true.

For some people, it might be painful. They don't want— I mean, it might be not an erogenous zone, but for many, many it is, and a lot of pleasure from it.

I think a lot of people never give it a chance, and they have it in their mindset already that, hey, this is not a place where I should go to, that the exit-only sort of philosophy is what I live and stand by, and they don't even experiment and explore. And imagine if we just denied ourselves from trying out something that could be so enjoyable or pleasurable. I always use the sushi metaphor. Like, how many of us did not want to try sushi that first time?

Yeah, I didn't.

Like, raw fish? Are you kidding me? Like, no, I'm not eating that. Like, cook it, please. And then all of a sudden, how many times do you—

If I could, I would eat it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah, I love sushi.

What's your favorite kind of sushi?

I just like a good, like a good tuna roll, like tuna, spicy tuna, tuna or eel and avocado roll, yellowtail, hamachi. Oh my God, I'm getting so hungry.

It melts in your mouth.

It's so good. That's what anal sex can melt in your mouth. It's true. But people say another thing, speaking of melting in your mouth, it's too dirty, it's messy, it's painful to be sexy, people think. But you know, no, it can be, you know, there's poop in there, they think, oh, it can't be sexy. But we're gonna tell them how it can be. Anal sex is only for gay men. And if you like it, that means that you're gay. People say that too. Not true. You're a straight man.

I am.

You identify as straight?

I identify as straight.

And, um, and you like anal play in your, in your anal—

I like it with my partners and with myself. So for me, it's a, it's a, it's an area that has so many nerve endings, and it could be so, like we said, taboo and arousing and pleasurable that we might as well explore to see if we have compatibility with our partners from that area. And this whole idea that it's dirty or hygienic. I mean, look, when we take a shower, when we cleanse ourselves, when we do a little bit of prep work, I mean, that's how our bodies work. And we can, you know, freshen them up to a, uh, in my opinion, to a place where we can feel really good about the sexual experiences and the, and the, the scents and the tastes and the touches that we have, right?

But how did you get into it? How did you— like, the first time you tried it, were you with a partner, or did you— with your own anus? Oh, because a lot of men— yeah, because I've always "Well, it doesn't—" However you first— 'cause a lot of men that— I think that's the biggest thing I hear is guys are like, "Well, now I feel like men are starting to say, 'I'm kind of curious, but I'm not really sure what to do.'" You know, like, and all the things like, "Doesn't make me gay, but I—" You know, they don't know how to even stimulate themselves. So, I mean, I know you're a sex educator and doctor and all that.

You know, for myself, it was about a partner who just was moseying on around that area and just like started grazing in that region with their finger, and I thought, you know, there was like a conflict I was experiencing. It was like, wow, that feels really good, but whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling, or I shouldn't be liking that. So I'm going back and forth kind of in my head, and you're kind of like, yes, more, no, please stop, and yes, no, more, please stop, you know. And I just found that, you know, once you get comfortable with somebody and you want— that was it. A finger the first time? Uh, no, it wasn't even inside, it was just on the outside.

Oh, by the outside, because there are so many nerve endings, it can feel really good. Yeah.

And a lot of people, a lot of women will, you know, play with your balls and they'll kind of like go a little bit south and then start playing with your perineum. And then all of a sudden you're like, wow, that does feel kind of good. And then there's just like this accidental graze on the anus, and then you're like, uh, you could do that again if you want, right? But you don't know how to say it because you're like, right, because he was on a commute.

So what did you say? Were you like, do that again?

Not the first time, no, I didn't say anything. I just like put in the memory box, right? You're like, oh, check.

Yeah, okay, good.

And then as we got, you know, we got more educated and more experienced, like all of a sudden we realized, oh, there can be like a communication about this, or we can incorporate some lube, or we can actually, like, involve this and enjoy it. So it's, it's a process. I know a lot of people listening, that first step is the hardest one, and just being able to acknowledge it within yourself that this is a place where I can venture to— Exactly.

Men and women, it's true, because a lot of women think that, you know, they don't like, you know, they think they don't like anal sex, they would never like it, or maybe they had a bad experience or it was really, really painful. Yeah, there's a lot of bad experiences. I know, first time, and they write it off forever because, you know, you didn't use lube, you weren't warmed up, someone just shoved it in. Like, no, that's not good. That's why we're— today we're going to tell you how to do it the right way.

Do you want to hear about my first, uh, experience on me? Oh yeah. So I, I was always fascinated by it with my first college girlfriend, and, you know, she would allow me to try, and I didn't know what— on her? On her. Okay. I had no clue what I was doing. I was the, uh— I mean, literally, I was just put a dunce hat on me. I was the most uneducated, like, worst anal sex experience ever.

And I'm sure a lot of women cannot relate to what you're saying right now, right? And I didn't know.

I mean, I, I cared about her, I loved her, I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't know I needed a lube. So we would try these things with hands or body parts, penises, and no lube was involved. And just, I could only imagine the awful experiences she was having. And it was just the two of us not knowing what we were doing, right? She didn't know to recommend it, I didn't know what to—

how would you know then, right?

So once we were taking a shower and And she was always a trooper. She was always like trying and trying and we just never could get, you know, it couldn't emulate like what I'd see in porn. And all of a sudden we're in the shower and she was such a passive submissive, sweet, sweet girl. And she got this like rage inside of her as we were taking a shower together. She took her finger and she just jammed it up inside of me. And I was literally plastered up against the tile. And I was just like, my hands were spread. And I was like, what the, you know, what the hell are you doing? I was like under her total control. I couldn't move. Like— and she says, now you know how it feels.

Oh my God.

And I was like, whoa, that's awful.

So we didn't do it again. Wow. No, she did that just to show you. Wow.

She didn't— anger. Yeah, that's the way to show you.

And it hurt, right? You go— anyone goes right in like that. Oh, I heard like— oh dude, that's a good story. And then is that what turned you into a sex doctor? You're like, I want to get this right. I don't want to finger up my ass when I don't know. Um, okay, so let's talk about how to prep. What'd you say? Did you pick up with her? That's kind of killer. That's just like, that's like a drunken thing. She was like in the shower, premeditated, like, I'm gonna stick this finger in your butt. Wow. 'Cause how would you know? Yeah, guys don't think about that. And women, we don't know, we don't know, we don't know. That's what we're here to tell everyone.

But it taught me a lot. She wasn't able to communicate that it was painful, and I wasn't able to ask those questions. We've all been there. That was like our non-use of words to say, this hurts, and let's take a break, let's stop.

'Cause you kept trying. You're like, I didn't know it was painful. Isn't it funny that when we, I mean, I've been there too, things have hurt, and I'm like, no, it's okay. You know, we're in pain, but that's what you should always do. Always speak up if you're in pain, and even when you're not in pain, you should speak up about everything about sex, which is what we talk a lot about in the show. So, let's talk about the preparation, getting ready for anal sex. So, people are like, is it dirty? Like, how do I wash that area? Do I need to, you know, do an enema, like clear the runway? Like, what do you recommend? Like, I say you could do an enema if you wanted to. You know, you could. It's not necessary.

You know, it's almost like some people say, well, I have to have a partner who takes a shower before we have sex. And some people are like, I don't really care, like, I like the way you smell, and you know, it's a little bit of the day has gone by, like, I'm okay with it. So everybody's got their own sort of hygienic needs. That's true. But it should be talked about. We should get to know our partner's hygiene needs. And if, if playing in the anus or playing in the rectum is, is part of like your desires, you want to bring that up and just find out like where— how far should we go? Because we can make it squeaky squeaky clean, or we can just sort of ride the wave of in the moment and just acknowledge that it might get a little dirty, might get a little messy, but that could be okay, right?

Sex is messy. Sex can be messy. It's okay. But, you know, just if you just want to do the basics, you can just shower, clean your genitals beforehand, use non-irritating soap, stick a little finger inside, rinse, you know, just do that. So I don't think that you— yeah, exactly, case-by-case basis. Decide how you feel about it and stick up for that. Safety first. Condoms, and very important, clean and trim. Hernando, you let me know that you trimmed your fingernails. Keith, I think you thought we were having anal.

I didn't know if this would be an experience, right?

Maybe. Yeah, we just started, so we'll see. So clean and trim fingernails, very important, because we always think you should start with the finger.

Yeah, and one mistake I made today is I didn't file my nails.

I know, dude, I'm sorry. I was going to do it, but you didn't file. Damn you. Ah, our most important starring role is lube. Lube. Yes, besides your finger, penis, or toys, lube, it makes any sexual experience more pleasurable. I just, you know how I feel about lube, the wetter the better. Um, and the anal canal, not self-lubricating. Like, the vagina can self, will self-lubricate, the anus will not. Like, you, like, non-negotiable, you need lube during sex.

But which lube is the best? You know, I found out how dry it was back in college and I never forgot that.

Never forgot it.

And we've got, I You and I were having a great discussion earlier about what can we do to help line that rectum.

Yes, let's talk about it. You want to talk about that? Yeah, yeah, you showed me some— Hernando! Oh my God, we took some videos. I'm gonna save the ones on Snapchat, but like, he came in here with a huge box of sex toys, of butt plugs, and he was like, what did you say? You're like, what if I got hit walking across the street and butt plugs went like flying across Santa Monica Boulevard? And that would have been hilarious. All over Hollywood. I would have laughed. I mean, I would have saved you, I would have come save you, but then I would have just had to take pictures of the butt plugs. But you brought some cool stuff. Should we talk about some of the stuff happening with lube?

Sure, sure. You know, uh, so as you were saying, you know, the rectum doesn't self-lubricate like the vagina does. So we've got to take into consideration that the inside of the— of, of during anal sex, of the rectum is totally dry, and that's where a lot of pain comes from people. Um, so what are we going to do about that? You know, sometimes I— something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of people will do. And, and it's, it's one way to try to lubricate the rectum, but it actually sometimes works against us or doesn't work very well. And what I mean by that is imagine the person putting all this lubrication on the penis, you know, or on the dildo or the toy, and they're gonna have anal, and they just like sort of insert it, and the, the anus itself, because it's, it's closed and tight, actually it like squeegees a lot of that lube off, right? So you're kind of inserting inside with very little lube, right? But you think you put a lot of lube on, right?

Because you did, but it's on the outside, or most of it, right? So now we have what? We have the lube shooter. Lube shooter. Do you recommend the lube shooter?

I, I love them. I think they're really valuable, but it's not very sexy, especially if it's like a hookup or someone you're just sort of getting intimate with.

It literally looks like a water gun, but you shoot— or like a shot, like a syringe. Like a syringe, right?

Fill it up with lube and you kind of insert your butt, right?

Shoot inside.

Okay, but they have these new products. They have these new, like, like a gel sort of silicone capsules that you insert inside of the rectum and they actually dissolve. It takes about 15 to 30 minutes and it dissolves.

Dissolving. And that's really brilliant.

It's like a lube suppository. I think it's brilliant. You could use it for vaginal, but I think it's really beneficial for—

you could use it for vaginal as well, obviously. Yeah, that makes sense too, because it's true. Yeah, you got to always— you got to reapply. Don't be ashamed to reapply lube on every nightstand. All right guys, hope you enjoyed this show. Very specific, right? Do you like these topic shows? We'd love to hear from you and thanks for sharing this with a friend and letting us know what you think of the show. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.