Anal Tips & Prostate Play: A Beginner’s Guide

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Do you think that a lot of couples can benefit from exploring anal plaid? And if so, how?

Yes, I think people can. And I think one of the big reasons is that, you know, we're used to thinking only of this one part of our bodies as our sex organs. So I think it's great when you can explore the sexual sensations of your entire body. Your skin, your breasts, your pecs, your nipples, whatever, the ass, the anus. In particular is this section where people have so much stigma, so much fear around it.

Taboo.

And if you're not present in your ass, you're not fully present in your body.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Let's talk anal play. If you're a booty newbie, where do you begin? What feel good nerve endings are you looking for? Should you start alone or with a partner? And how the hell do you go shopping for butt plugs? Listen, if you've got backdoor questions, my guests Dr. Charlie Glickman and Dr. Hernando Chavez have answers. Today's best of episode is the Anal 101 primer. And if you're not but curious now, well, you will be, oh, I don't know. In less than an hour. Listen up for tips to stimulate the prostate, AKA the male G spot, how to repair hygienically, finger techniques for prostate massage, and how anal play can add stick so much crazy pleasure to your sex life, no matter your gender. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode and how can it help you? Well, my intention is to bring in some experts to inspire you to answer the questions and give you the beginner's guide to exploring prostate play and all things anal fun. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. And my new article, what your favorite sex position says about you is up on sexwithemily.com Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline, 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com askemily oh, always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Not to worry, you can change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Charlie Glickman, Ph.D. is a somatic sex educator, therapist, and author of the book the Ultimate Guide to Prostate the Find more about charli@makesexeasy.com hi Dr. Charlie.

Such a pleasure to be here.

I'm so glad you're here.

Thank you.

It's been like you've been on the show in the past. Your anal career has just taken off.

You know, 90% of great anal sex is in your hands, and that doesn't mean that that's 90% of the time you spend having anal sex. But if you can get your partner warmed up with your hands, then everything else is golden. So that's the most important part. One of the things that I hear from men, from women, people who have tried anal sex and have said that it just didn't work. They say, oh, my partner went too fast, it was painful, or I didn't know what I was doing, and my partner started saying that it hurt. You gotta warm your partner up. It's just like Stretching before you work out at the gym, if you know what you're doing, you can make anal play feel awesome. But if you don't know what you're doing, it can be painful, it can be uncomfortable. I've talked to couples that nearly broke up because, because of the pain that they were having around it. One of the problems is people copy what they see in porn. And in porn they do all of their warm up before they turn the cameras on, right? They use lube. They just put it in before they get on set. So learning to have sex from watching porn is like learning to drive from watching a car chase movie. Someone's gonna get hurt.

That is great. That's a great way to put it. Do you think anal sex is for everyone?

No, there's nothing that works for everybody. Not when it comes to sex, not when it comes to food. But a lot more people would enjoy it if they knew what they were doing. Okay. And you know, it's funny, I've talked with a lot of my coaching clients who have said, oh, I don't like it. I tried it once, it wasn't any good. And then they learned how to do it right, and all of a sudden they're a fan.

What are the misconceptions and what do you kind of debunk?

Well, I always start off with the anatomy because if you don't know the landscape, you're not gonna know how to get there.

Right.

And there's some useful things to know. Like a lot of people don't realize anus, it tightens up when you get stressed out. Like think about when a cat or a dog gets scared and they tuck their tail under to protect themselves. This is why people who are stressed out all the time, we call them tight asses. It's literally true. But it doesn't matter where the stress is coming from. If you've had a bad day at work, you've been stuck in traffic, you are worried about it hurting, you're going to tighten up and that's going to make it uncomfortable. And then it tightens up more and then it becomes painful. So I always start off talking about the anatomy so that people can understand how to do the relaxation. The second thing is when I talk about anal play, I'm not talking about anal intercourse. That's fun stuff. But there's all kinds of things you can do with your hands, you can do with toys. So if you are giving your partner a blowjob and you're tickling around the outside with your finger in my book that is still anal sex because it's sex that includes the anus.

Right. Okay.

So one of the things that will make it easier is take anal intercourse off the table for the first couple times. No pressure. The more pressure you have on a goal, the harder it is to get there.

It's true. So prostate massage for men, I mean, there is such a stigma. A lot of men think it's, you know, it'll make them gay, It'll make them. Whatever. They have no idea about these sensations they can feel. Would you say that most men, though, that you have had pleasure from this? Or is there any men who are like, nope, you did it, Charlie, because you're the guy. Like, if I wanted to. If I was a guy and I wanted, I'd go to you. But I'm sure. I mean, are they men? Like, nope, doesn't feel good. It didn't work.

You know, there's definitely guys who it doesn't work for. But the thing that I always want to tell men is that where your nerve endings are, that's what kind of sex feels good to you, who you want to have sex with. That's your sexual orientation. And those two things are not the same thing.

Right, exactly.

Just like, who you like to eat dinner with is different from what foods you like. It's always about sex and food for me.

Right. It has no. It totally makes sense, though. I get it.

Yeah. And the thing is, too, is that when we wrote the book the Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, we surveyed over 200 people, men and partners, asking them about their experiences. And we found that the fear of, does this mean something about my sexual orientation? Was one of the big worries that kept guys from trying it. Barriers, Barriers. To me, the interesting thing is that men who experience anal massage who receive it become better givers because you know what it feels like. You know, I mean, why would you. If you went to a school, to.

Become better givers sexually?

Yeah. Well, because, you know, men who have never received penetration, sex happens outside your body. And it's only when you receive penetration that you realize, oh, I can be super turned on really into my partner and still need lots of foreplay.

Right.

And so you become a much more patient giver. And so the partners of men, especially women, say that, wow, now that we've done this, he's much more aware of my needs before we have intercourse. And it's just made his sex life much better.

Explain to me that the prostate messages with men, like, is it. Is it the kind of thing where if you're starting out, you would just recommend that the two partners do it together or they kind of work it into their lovemaking or it's a standalone act or, you know, they're using toys. I mean, how would you suggest people start?

Well, let me start off by saying how I don't want anyone to start. Perfect. To surprise their partner with anal penetration?

Never. That goes both ways. Men, women, across the board.

Yeah. We don't want anyone to be surprised because that's just no fun. I think prostate massage is easier when it's partnered because it's kind of hard to reach on yourself. If you're going to do it solo, use a toy.

Use like which toy? Like the Narrows.

The Aneros is a really good one. It's a hands free prostate massager. I'm a big fan. You can also use a dildo. As long as it's more than about three, four or five inches long.

Okay.

It'll reach the prostate.

Okay. So you're saying recommended with a parter.

Though, it's a little bit easier with a partner. Yeah.

Okay.

And you know, there's all the external stuff and I talk about it in the book and in my workshops and all of that, but once you have a finger inside the prostate, it's actually a lot like the G spot for women, so.

Right. That's what we say. It's a male G spot.

Yeah. You insert a finger, curl it towards the belly button and you're looking for something about an inch across. It feels like a ripe plum. So soft and firm at the same time. The tricky thing about finding the prostate is that it gets bigger when you get turned on. Because it's just like the G spot. Exactly. It fills up with fluid. And that's actually where semen comes from. Part of semen, the fluid. So if your partner isn't turned on enough yet, you might be in exactly the right spot. But you might not feel it because it hasn't gotten bigger.

Right.

That's less true for older men because prostates just get bigger as men get older. 50% of men by age 50 have an enlarged prostate.

Okay.

So yeah. So if you're with a guy who's 25, you might need to get him super turned on.

Give him a blow job.

Exactly.

Would you even suggest having interview watch a dirty movie? So have him come have him ejaculate or just get him turned on.

Get him turned on.

Okay. And then flip him over and then.

On his back or face down, whatever feels easier. I like on his back. Because you can do face to face.

Oh, on his back.

And then you're great, because then you can see each other.

Okay.

And. But if you're with a guy who's in his 50s, his baseline size is probably bigger, so you might not need to get him as turned on.

Okay, so let's talk about younger men, though. So you're given a blow job, he's turned on, and then he stays on his back.

Right. And so you know you've got your glove on. Keep things nice.

Always wear a glove.

You've got your lube on your fingers, all that. All that stuff about finding the prostate. So when you get your finger inside, it's about three.

Does it matter which finger?

I like the index finger because it's more flexible, because you're going to be there for a little while. So if you insert your finger and just aim up towards the belly button and you'll know you're on the right spot if you can feel it on your fingertip. But if you're not sure, sometimes for guys, it feels utterly amazing as soon as you touch it and say, oh, wow, that's perfect. Sometimes the sensation he'll get is like he needs to go to the bathroom.

That sounds just like.

Just like the G swap. If you get that sensation, that means you're on the right spot. Back the pressure off about 20%. Also like the G spot, Right. And then once you have. Once you've found the prostate, three really good moves. You can do the come hither move, right, which is like the G spot. You can do circles and circles. You can do big circles across the entire gland or little circles just on one spot. And then the third stroke that you can also try is like an in and out motion, but maintaining contact so.

Like, you stay in.

So like, like an up, like maintaining upward pressure while you slide in and out.

And then they could have explosive. The orgas is a different kind of. How would you explain it? So I know it's so hard I can explain orgasm.

So one thing I do want to say is that his penis might not be fully hard sometimes with anal penetration. He may lose his erection. And that's probably because the muscles that trap blood inside the penis relax when you also relax the anus. So even if he's soft, if he's having a good time, don't worry about it.

Okay? You can tell if he's having a time.

Yeah.

If he's like, time for Netflix, you're like, okay, yeah.

But if his eyes are rolling back in his head and he's Saying, oh, wow, that's amazing. Don't worry if he's not hard.

Okay. And you'd recommend starting with fingers and glove, not toys. Okay?

Yeah.

All right. Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back to talk about your back door with Dr. Charlie Glickman. And I take a call about how to bring up anal with your partner.

Do you think that a lot of couples can benefit from exploring anal play? And if so, how?

Yes, I think people can. And I think one of the big reasons is that, you know, we're used to thinking only of this one part of our bodies as our sex organs. So I think it's great when you can explore the sexual sensations of your entire body. Your skin, your breasts, your pecs, your nipples, whatever. The ass, the anus in particular is this section where, like, people have so much stigma, so much fear around it.

Taboo.

And if you're not present in your ass, you're not fully present in your body by definition, because here's a part of your body that you're just not tuned into, right? So even if you don't find it sexually fun or erotically fun, just being able to be aware of, you know, what's going on in that part of my body increases your ability to feel pleasure. Right?

It's like another place that you can feel pleasure on your body. And I would say sex is expansive. Like, why should you limit yourself just to having a clitoral orgasm or G spotter? Like, what if you could have all this other pleasure?

Lots of options.

So many options.

So, yeah, I'm a big fan. I mean, obviously. But I do. But I do think that even if it's not your. Your main focus, just being able to be aware of the sexual sensations that you might have there can be really intimate and can be really exciting.

And what about tips for women for experiencing anal sex? And, like, what would you say? Like, relaxing, but also about orgasms? Like, I've had a few women, like, there are porn stars on the show, and they're like, I always have. I know other women do, too, have orgasms during anal sex.

So here's the thing. Some people can orgasm just from anal play. Some people need G spot or clitoral play at the same time. That doesn't mean that one person is better than the other. But, you know, I actually, I have.

There's no hierarchy. Like, you're better because you can have an anal.

Whatever works for you. But also, you know, I've. I've talked to a couple of women who say that they get better G spot stimulation through anal play.

Yeah.

Especially anal intercourse. They get better G spot play. So if somebody says, oh, I easily orgasm from anal sex, it might just be that, you know, she found the right angle to hit her G spot, you know, so you can also play with that. And that can also be affected by the shape and size and curvature.

It's anatomy. I was going to say the way we're all built. Or the penis that you're with, or your body.

Right.

I mean, the way your G spot is.

I met a guy once whose penis had a really strong upward curve, and his girlfriend loved it because it was perfect for her G spot. Then if they were in doggy style, it would miss her G spot. Right. So you really get to play with these kinds of things.

Right. And people should be. Keep playing with these things.

Yeah. And some, like I said, some people can orgasm from anal play on its own, but if you need a vibrator on your clit at the same time, go for it. And I've talked to women who have real specific sexual patterns. Like, it has to be exactly this kind of touch in this position, or it just doesn't work for me and other folks who, you know, they have a lot more options, and that just seems to be how different bodies are wired or.

But do you think it's because they just believe they have certain. Like, if you work with people and you're like, let's expand this. Let's see if you can have it this way. And they go back to where they are.

Yeah. And it doesn't mean they don't.

Nothing wrong with it.

It doesn't mean they don't enjoy the other stuff, but it may just be the way their bodies are wired.

Right. Okay, so couples who are just starting out, let's say they're like, okay, we want to try it. What would you recommend? Like, toy. What would you say? Like, start with some butt plugs and lube before your fingers first. Or let's say we did the fingers.

So we did. So we got fingers first.

Got fingers first.

Yeah. I think butt plugs are lots of fun, Especially so many now there's lots of them. They're hands free. So you can combine them with other kinds of sex super easy. I mean, you can wear them while you're sitting in the car. Although I will just give folks a warning if you do want to wear a butt plug when you go out in public. Like, maybe you're going out for romantic Valentine's Day dinner or whatever, bring a plastic baggie so that you have somewhere to put your plug if you need to duck into a bathroom and take it out.

I understand that. Okay. But let's go back to the couple.

Purse is not the place for that.

No, no, no, no. You want to throw away your purse if you throw it in there. But let's just start about, like, using different kinds. There's, like, vibrating, there's silicone, there's big, they're small. Like, what would you.

So start off small. The difficulty with plugs. Two things about butt plugs that folks don't know. One is that the neck of the plug that has to rest in the. In the anal canal, which is about an inch and a half long. So the bulb has to be. The neck has to be at least an inch long so that the bulb goes all the way inside. Otherwise it's going to fall out. And if the bulb is not big enough, it's also going to fall out. So if you want something small, check out one of the stainless steel plugs, because they can make the stainless steel really skinny, Right?

Okay.

The silicone plugs, if they make them that skinny, they tear.

And would you say couples share their butt plugs?

If you want to share plugs, you can do that. You've got a couple of options. One is put a condom on it so that you've got a nice clean surface. Or the stainless steel or silicone ones you can wash with soap and water and then put in the top rack of a dishwasher. If you don't have a dishwasher, wash your toy and then put it in boiling water for five minutes. Because you do want to be careful about.

Absolutely. I mean, I have, like, toy cleaner and stuff, but even sometimes I'm like, I don't know.

Yeah, I put it in the dishwasher. Although if.

Wait, which toy is it?

Silicone, silicone or steel?

I did not know that you could put this. Yeah, silicone butt plugs, but not like, dildo.

As long as there's no vibrator.

Okay, got it.

But one thing is, if you put your toy in the dishwasher, make sure you're the one to empty the dishwasher.

I had this problem with my housekeeper. I told this on the show a few weeks ago. She came over and I was. They weren't in the dishwasher, but they were on the drying rack. And it was a little embarrassing that I forgot to take them off. She didn't touch him, though. She put him in a bowl. Okay, I got some questions for my listeners. Would you Mind helping me answer?

Bring it.

Because you're the man to do so. Okay, thank you everybody for emailing me feedbackaxwithemily.com and you guys have been so freaking awesome lately because all I ask is that you tell me how old you are and where you live and also, you know, if you want to tell me how you listen to the show. So thank you everyone for doing that. Anyway, Emily recently tried pegging, but have not yet tried prostate massage. Both my female partner and I really enjoyed the pegging. However, we are not sure how to do the P spot massage or how it should feel done correctly. I assume gloves should be worn for safety. Are there any toys that could help us? Similar to G spot toys. Thanks, Rick. So first we should talk about pegging because a lot of people don't know what pegging is.

Yeah. So pegging is when women wear a strap on dildo with a man on the receiving side. The word was coined by dan savage about 12, 13 years ago, maybe coined it.

Awesome.

Yeah, he actually, he did a survey, he asked people, he came up with three words and asked people to vote. And pegging was what won the vote. So it's a good one. Thank you, Dan.

Thank you, Dan.

Because we needed that word.

Totally.

And so. All right, so if you're already doing pegging, you've got the warmup down. If you enjoy it, you've got that stuff sorted out. So a couple of things you can do with prostate play with pegging. One is get a curved dildo or a dildo with a really prominent bulb or head and then angle the curve so that it is angled up towards your belly button. So if it's curved up, that's good for face to face. If it's curved down, that's good for doggy style.

Okay.

And your partner have her as she's thrusting, kind of aim her thrusts up towards your belly button. So rather than going directly in and out, get a little bit of an.

Animal with the toy. Okay.

Right. So you may need to play around with different positions.

Which toys again would you recommend for the same ones?

Any dildo with a curve.

Okay.

You want a toy that's nice and smooth for anal play.

Yep.

But really, any G spot toy will work because it's got that, that curve.

What about with the vibrations though? Just a dildo. Men like vibrations too.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Right. Low vibrations.

Absolutely. Vibration is fun. And then the one other thing I'd recommend for pegging with prostate play, she can also put her hand on like your lower belly right above the Pubic bone and kind of press down towards the bed, and that'll kind of squeeze the prostate down towards the window. So squeezing from the outside and the inside just like the.

These are such good tips.

Yeah, try that and let us know how that goes.

Yeah, let us know, Rick. I want to know how it goes. Okay, we've got another one. Dear Emily, my fiance and I enjoy partaking and pegging, except I need major help in figuring out how the heck you pull it off correctly. And I'm not talking about the strap on either. We, of course, draw inspirations from porn and the loads of kinky stuff on the Internet. But when push comes to shove, literally, I feel like I need a flip chart to figure out the various insertion positions for each position we get ourselves into. Why does my body not go effortlessly into the sexy thrusting positions I see various vixens performing on their men in movies? I feel like a floppy fish or whale trying to figure out how to move my body to get this strap on in his hole. Is there a good resource for a girl like me to figure out body positions and how to center myself for the best possible pleasure for my man? This is not something I can talk to anyone else about, so any tips or advice is appreciated. Oh, much love. Strapless in Seattle. Oh, wait, she said. Just kidding. Location wise, I'm actually in the Bay Area because I was going to say you're now in Seattle.

Yeah, I just moved from Oakland to Seattle last year.

She's 28 years old, but Charlie does see clients, too. So if you're interested, we're going to talk about this after. But you can see clients everywhere, right? Because you do Skype.

I do Skype.

Anyway, she's funny, but she's on sale. Okay. Anyway. Female, 28.

Okay, so here's. Here's a couple of things. One is you're going to have to play with different positions because your body shape, your partner's body shape, the dildo you're using. So I can't be super specific, but first thing, put a pillow under his hips to lift him up a little bit. That'll give you more flexibility, more options. Another really good position is for him to be on his elbows and knees, or he can stand on the bed and bend forward over the bed, and you can stand on the floor. Okay, but you said something really important, which is that the thrusting in and out motion, that's not the natural motion for most women who are feeling sexy. Most women do more of a hip, swivel, figure eight kind of motion. And the thrusting in and out, you know, that's a different kind of core strength. So if you have trouble doing that for a while, to be honest, the best thing you can do is some Pilates. Oh, okay. Because it actually takes a lot of core strength. In fact, I said earlier about how men who receive anal become better givers. A lot of women I've talked to who try pegging discover things like, oh, now I see why my boyfriend collapses on.

Exactly.

Sex. Because this is work. I mean, it's awesome and it's fun, but it's a lot of effort. So you're going to need to build up some core strength to be able to do that.

That's great.

And, you know, yoga, too, is good. Yoga is good. But it's definitely a lot of core strength.

We got one more question. Is anything else with that?

No.

Okay. Hello. I'm 21. I've been with my girlfriend for four years. I wanted to know how I could bring up pegging to her. She will occasionally finger my back door, but she feels a little weird about it and I don't know if she will be into it. Thanks. No name, but, you know, let's call him Mike.

Okay. Hi. Let's call him. Okay.

Yeah, why not?

So, you know, this is actually a really common question. How do I ask my partner about blank. Fill in the blank, all the.

Right.

So one thing, a mistake I see a lot of people make is they bring it up during sex. And the reason why that's a mistake is because you're killing. If you. If your partner has any kind of negative reaction, it kills the mood and causes a big, big fight. You're better off asking the question when you're not in the middle of sex.

Always breakfast, road trip.

And actually, I like that you said road trip, because when you're sitting side by side and not face to face, it can be easier to have those conversations. It's less threatening. So while you're walking the dog, together is a good time to do it.

Great point.

Yeah. So a couple of good ways to do it. One is to say something like, oh, you know, I was listening to this podcast about pegging and I'm really curious about it. Or I went to this website. You go to my book's website, prostatepleasureguide.net and then you can say to your partner, oh, yeah, I found this really interesting website. Have you ever thought about this? What do you think about trying this thing? I might say something like, you know, I was reading this website about anal play for men and I'm kind of curious about it. Right, right.

And then this podcast said it would rock my world and I'd have the most amazing feelings, and that can be.

A really good way to do it. If she feels weird about it, you know, then the question that, as a coach, I would ask is, you know, what about this feels weird to you? Is it that, you know, there's anal sex phobia and you're worried about germs? Is it that you think that receiving penetration means that. That you're gay, which is not true? Is it that you feel nervous about doing something that you don't know anything about and maybe you just need to read a book, you know? So the question is, what is it about this that makes you uncomfortable and is there a way we can overcome that? There might not be.

Right. Exactly. That you can't convince everybody. That's a great way to go about it.

Yeah, that's my way.

Great.

Good. So, yeah.

So glad you're here on the planet. Thank you so much for being here with me.

We can talk to Marcus. Marcus called. Marcus, 34 in Wisconsin. Hi, Marcus, thanks for calling. What's going on?

My question is, every time down on my wife, she enjoys it, and I enjoy giving that to her. I would like to kind of push it a little bit farther towards some anal play.

Okay.

Whether it is with, you know, my finger, tongue, or whatnot, I. I just don't know how to bring that up to her in a way that's not gonna her out or, you know, kind of be off putting right away.

Right. Okay, great. Marcus. Well, I've got a few ideas for you. So the best way to do this, to enter into an anal agreement when you haven't before, is to talk about it when you are not in the bedroom. So you don't want to, like, surprise someone. Right. With a finger. Marcus, tell me this. Do you guys ever talk about your sex life and what satisfies you and what you're into?

What she likes, it's usually kind of in the heat of moments, like, I'll ask her what she likes, and she always kind of just says, you know, anything you do. Which, so I'm happy to hit, but at the same time, I kind of want to, you know, try this.

Of course.

But at the same time, there's been. There's been talks before where it's like, no, but that's more. So just like straight penetration that she's said no to, but not. I really haven't asked her the idea of, you know, just yeah, Okay.

I got it, Marcus. I totally got it. So here's my suggestion for you. If you haven't Talked about Sexy4, I think this is a great opportunity for you to say to her, you know, I realize. How long have you been together, Marcus?

Eight years.

Eight years. Okay. Perfect. So it's funny though, Marcus, you're. You're not alone in that. Most couples that I talk to here on the show haven't talked about their sex life because, you know, we don't have a great model of it. Our parents didn't talk to us about it. We're afraid that we're gonna get judged, and so we just decided not to say anything. Which is why your wife. Much like how I was when I, you know, when I was in my 30s, I would. If someone asked me, if a guy asked me, are you into this? I'd be like, yeah. And they'd say, what else do you want me to do? I'd say, everything's great, because I didn't know what else there was to say because I wasn't comfortable. And I hadn't done a lot of exploring. I hadn't done a lot of the masturbation that I. All the hours I've been logging and all the sex I've been logging since. So the conversation goes something like this. I realize we've been together for eight first for so long, and I really love the sex we're having. And you can even give some examples. You turn me on. I love the way you taste when I go down and you all the things and say, but I realize that, like, we've been together a long time, and I think I would just really love to do some playing with you and figure out what might you be into. And I know we haven't talked about it, but is there a fantasy you have have. You know, and if she doesn't answer there, because she might. Again, most people haven't talked about it until this moment, but I. I've advised thousands of couples to have conversations like this, Marcus. And so she might brittle at it and say, why are you talking about this? Oh, is our sex life not great? You know, that's kind of where our minds go. But you might want to say to her, I just want to make sure we're great lovers to each other. Maybe you could start with, what are the three most memorable times you've had sex? Like, with three moments. Like, are there three moments that stick out for you? Because then by her telling you that, that starts the conversation. And then you could tell her what you liked and then you could just see where it goes from there. Now you have to remember that it's not a one time conversation. It's ongoing and hopefully she'll take to this conversation. You can always, like start it and call me back. You could say to her, I just want to like, you know, I've been listening to this show. People blame me all the time. Marcus, the show stuck with Emily. She talks about there's all these nerve endings. It can feel great for women. I'd love to just kind of use my finger or my mouth. We could take a shower together. I'm getting in front of all the things she's going to worry about, like how's her hygiene. And you could say, I just want to like taste it or like see how it feels. I can go really slow because you could say, I've said on the show, which is true. We have so much fear around it because we had a bad experience once we've heard it's painful, it's not sanitary, it's taboo, all the things. But once we let all of that go and we're like, okay, you know what? I'm going to open my mind and see and go slow, it actually can feel really good because there's so many nerve endings. There's so many ways to play. And so you could just say, I would love to continue to keep expanding and trying new things because. Not because you're bored. Not because maybe you're bored. To be honest, we do the same things over and over again in the bedroom. But because for intimacy to grow in a relationship, we have to keep trying new things. We have to keep. We try new foods, we try new exercises, like. But we don't, you know, so sex is the same way. So how do you feel about having just a conversation with her overall and then seeing how it feels to kind of get her comfortable with it and then kind of move into that.

It's one of those things where I just don't know how it's going to go because like you said, you know, it's kind of. We've never had that conversation before. So. So it's going to be interesting because. Yeah. I feel like she's going to start questioning things.

Yep.

With that. But.

Okay.

Yeah.

Every time it's usually, you know, doing something and I'll ask, you know, does that feel good? Do you want me to continue that?

She doesn't know.

Should I, like, be somewhere else with it?

You know, she has no idea.

She'll direct me in the Moment like that, which I.

That's good.

More than appreciative of that, just because I just want to make sure she's getting the best experience possible.

Right. Which I love. And that's another thing to say, Marcus, is I just want to make sure you could even say to her, you know what, babe, this is. This is. This is really hard for me to say. It's very uncomfortable. I. I've never talked about this before, but I. I love you. You're my wife. And I. I want you to know that this is nothing. I know that a lot of lot can come up for you right now. This isn't about you, and this isn't about, like anything wrong you're doing. I just know how important it is for. I've seen it in so many couples. I hear it on this show. I listen to. If you feel comfortable with that, that so many couples, eventually their sex life just becomes non Existent. Non existent. Because they don't talk about it and they keep doing the same things. And apparently there's a lot of things we could, we could learn together. Sex can feel amazing in all these ways. And you can have orgasms. Women can learn to. Most women can have multiple orgasms. And you might have to just. In that first conversation, Marcus, be patient and be okay with her. Say, and I just want to tell you what I want to say. And then you go into. I would love to explore. I'd love to start having a dialogue with you, you know, and then see what she says. That first one, again, might be about her, you know, then you could say, and what are your response to that? And it might be about her getting comfortable with it. And then you have another one. But. But I understand too, Marcus, that maybe she grew up in a religious household. Maybe she was told that it was wrong to talk about. Maybe she has no idea what feels good. So what I love is it's only been eight years and you're 34 years old, so you can start, you know, things that are worth having in life take some effort. And I believe that for everyone who's in a relationship and not in a relationship, we all deserve to have really healthy, expansive, intimate lives. And it starts with these kind of conversations that are awkward at first and she might be taken aback by it.

It.

But again, if she cares about the intimacy and prioritizing pleasure, which is, you know, a lot of couples, again, they listen to my podcast the last 15 years together, and it helps them or you research, find an article or something that she could start to get her head around that it's not just you, but it's actually science that there's a lot of pleasure to be had for her. And most people do not get healthy sex education and information unless they seek it out because it's not on billboards, it's not on tv. I'm assuming she's never really thought about or talked about it, at least not to, not in the way that we need her to.

Okay.

Yeah, I, I, I completely, yes, in that aspect of kind of being reserved in that. And, you know, we've never had that dialogue. And it's kind of one of those things that it's slightly bit awkward if we have talked about, you know, just a quick thing when nothing is going on between us.

Well, you could say that this is really uncomfortable. I know we've never talked about it unless we're having in the bedroom, but I, I'm asking this because I want this to become a really important part of our relationship and how we can be better lovers to each other, how we can have more intimacy. And I don't know, maybe you're not just talking about sex. Maybe you want more hand holding, maybe you want more cuddling. Maybe there's, you know, it's all about intimacy and connection. So just say, I think it's important. I'd love for us to figure out a way to have conversations about this to get past the awkwardness because it's uncomfortable for me too. But I think it's important for us to do this and, and then just listen. So, and you call me back. A lot of, a lot of people, like, have the first conversation and then you call me back and I can help you kind of figure out the next steps because it's brave and I know it's not easy, but you, it's so important. And then you'll be able to get into the anal and all the other things, but you can't go from zero to anal. Okay, thanks, Marcus. Thanks for your call. Keep me posted. Okay, I'll be here. All right, we're going to take a quick break, but don't miss Dr. Hernando Chavez and I Myth Busting all the things people get wrong about Butt play.

Doctor Hernando Chavez is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an adjunct professor here in Southern California. You can find more Hernando on Instagram or Twitter at Hernando Chavez, C H A V E S I'm here with my friend Hernando. Dr. Chavez.

Hello, Emily. Hello.

So let's move into little anal sex because Last year around this time, we were holing up in my apartment. I was prepping for an anal sex workshop. And her nana does a lot of workshops. And I was like, I'm just so much better working with you. With someone. When I wanted. We talked a lot about anal. You're an anal connoisseur.

I'd have to say that that's my favorite coffee shop to go to.

Yeah.

My favorite latte.

Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, I thought we could just do a little rundown here. These are, like, common questions. You know, people are really, you know, obsessed. A lot of people are kind of obsessed with anal sex too. And, like, want to know, like, you know, what do you think, like, the. The appeal is or why people are so obsessed with it?

Well, I think part of the. The appeal about anal sex is also because it's in that area of the butt. And I think there's a lot of. There's. There's boob men, there's butt men, there's, you know, people who have different parts of the body. But when you're really into the ass, anal just makes sense. Seems to be like this desire to want to engage with, like, the curvature and the hourglass sort of nature, you know, area of.

He's like. He's like gripping an ass right now as he's talking. It's very sexy. He's like, the ass, the ass, the ass.

I'm like, wow, I'm making, like, melons in my hand. But. And so I think that for people that physical arousal does transfer into a lot of their. Their desires. And then also anal has this wonderful taboo sort of context to it that really does, I think, get under people's skin and psychologically just get them excited and aroused because it.

Because of the taboo. Yeah, it's true. And people always want to know, like, how do I do it better? Or they're afraid of it. We're going to be answering some emails about it. But. So let's just break down some of the, like the myths, let's say, or taboos fears. The but is exit only, not for pleasure. You know, we hear that, like, why do anal when you can, like, have so many. You have the vagina or it's not even an erogenous zone. Not true.

Not true.

For some people, it might be painful. They don't. I mean, it might be not an erogen zone, but for many, many, it is a lot of pleasure from it.

I think a lot of people never give it a chance and they. They have it in their mindset. Already that, hey, this is not a place where I should go to that. That the exit only sort of philosophy is what I live and stand by. And they don't even experiment and explore. And imagine if we just denied ourselves from trying out something that could be so enjoyable or pleasurable. I always use the. The sushi metaphor. Like, how many of us did not want to try sushi that first time? Yeah, I didn't like raw fish. Are you kidding me? Like, no, I'm not eating that. Like, cook it, please. And then all of a sudden, how many times do you.

If I could, I would eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah, I love sushi. You're right.

Favorite kind of sushi?

Spicy tuna. Tuna. Or eel and avocado roll. Yellowtail hamachi. Oh, my God, I'm getting so hungry. But it melts in your mouth, Taki. It's so good. That's what analyzed in your mouth. It's true. But people say. Another says, speaking of melting in your mouth, it's too dirty. It's messy. It's painful to be sexy. People think, but you don't know. It can be. You know, there's poop in there. They think, oh, it can't be sexy. But we're gonna tell them how it can be. Anal sex is only for gay men. And if you like it, that means that you're gay. People say that too. Not true. You're a straight man.

I am.

You identify straight.

I identify straight.

And. And you like anal play in your. In your anal.

I like with my partners, with myself. So for me, it's a. It's a. It's an area that has so many nerve endings, and it could be so, like we said, taboo and arousing and pleasurable that we might as well explore to see if we have compatibility with our partners from that area. And this whole idea that it's dirty or unhygienic, I mean, look, when we take a shower, when we cleanse ourselves, when we do a little bit of prep work, I mean, that's how our bodies work. And we can, you know, freshen them up to a.

In my opinion, to a place where we can feel really good about the sexual experiences and the. In the. The scents and the tastes and the touches that we have.

Right, but how did you get into it? How did you. Like, the first time you tried it, were you with a partner, or did you with your own anus? Oh, because a lot of men. Yeah, because I've always. Well, it doesn't. However, you.

First.

Because a lot of men That I think that's the biggest thing I hear is guys are like. Well, now I feel like men are starting to say, I'm kind of curious, but I'm not really sure what to do.

You know, like. And all the things. It doesn't make me gay. But, you know, they don't know how to even stimulate themselves. So, I mean, I know you're a sex educator and doctor and all that.

But, you know, for myself, it was about a partner who just was mosing on around that area and just, like, started grazing in that. In that region with their finger. And I thought, you know, there was, like, a conflict I was experiencing. It was like, wow, that feels really good. But, whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling, or I shouldn't be liking that. So I'm going back and forth kind of in my head, and you're kind of like, yes, more, no, please stop. And, yes, no, more, please stop. You know, And I just found that, you know, once you get comfortable with somebody and you want that.

Was it a finger the first time?

No, it wasn't even inside. It was just on the outside.

Oh, right, the outside. Because there are so many nerve endings, it can feel really good.

Yeah.

And.

And a lot of people, a lot of women will, you know, play with your balls, and they'll kind of, like, like, go a little bit south and then start playing with your perennium. And then all of a sudden, you're like, wow, that does feel kind of good. And then there's just like, this accidental graze on the anus. And then you're like, you could do that again if you want.

Right.

But you don't know how to say it because you're like.

Because you're gonna communicate. So what did you say? You're like, do that again.

Not the first time. No, I didn't say anything. I just, like, put in the memory box.

Right? You're like, oh, check.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

And then as we got, you know, we. We got more educated and more experienced, like, all of a sudden, we realized, oh, there can't be, like, a communication about this. Or we can incorporate some lube, or we can actually, like, involve this and enjoy it. So it's. It's. It's a process. I know a lot of people listening. That first step is the hardest one, and just being able to acknowledge it within yourself that this is a place where I can venture to explore men and women.

It's true. Because a lot of women think that they don't, like, Anal sex, they would never like it. Or maybe they had a bad experience or it was really, really painful.

Yeah, there's a lot of bad experiences.

I know. First time. And they write it off forever because, you know, you didn't use lube. You weren't warmed up. Someone just shoved it in. Like, that's not good. That's why we're. Today, we're going to tell you to do it the right way.

Do you want to hear about my first experience on me?

Oh, yeah.

So I was always fascinated by it with my first college girlfriend, and, you know, she would allow me to try, and I didn't know what.

On her.

On her.

Okay.

I had no clue what I was doing. I was the. I mean, literally, I was just put. Put a duncet on me. I was the most uneducated, like, worst anal sex experience ever.

And I'm sure a lot of women cannot relate to what you're saying right now, right?

And I didn't know. I mean, I. I cared about her. I loved her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't know I needed lube. So we would try these things with hands or body parts, penises. And no lube was involved. And just. I could only imagine the awful experience that she was having. And it was just the two of us not knowing what we were doing.

Right.

She didn't know to recommend it. I didn't know what to.

How would you know then, right?

So once we were taking a shower, and she was always a trooper. She was always, like, trying and trying, and we just never could get, you know, it. Couldn't emulate, like, what I'd see in porn. And all of a sudden, we're in the shower, and she was such a passive, submissive, sweet, sweet girl. And she got this, like, rage inside of her. As we were taking a shower together, she took her finger and she just jammed it up inside of me. And I was literally plastered up against the tile. And I was just like. My hands were spread and I was like, what the. You know, what the hell are you doing? I was, like, under her total control. I couldn't move. I was like. And she says, now you know how it feels.

Oh, my God.

And I was like, whoa, that's.

That's awful.

So we didn't do it.

Wow. No, she did that just to show you.

Wow. She didn't.

Anger. Yeah, that's the way to show you. And it hurt, right? You go. Anyone goes right in like that. Oh, I heard like, oh, dude, that's a Good story. And then is that what turned you into sex doctor? You're like, I want to get this right. I don't want to finger up my ass when I don't know. Okay, so let's talk about how to prep what you say. Did you pick out with her? That's kind of killer. Like that's just like, sounds like a drunken thing. She was like in the shower, premeditated. Like, I'm gonna stick this finger in your butt. Wow.

Yeah.

Cuz how would you know? Yeah, guys don't think about that. And women, we don't know. We don't know, we don't know. But that's what we're gonna tell everyone.

But it taught me a lot. Like she wasn't able to communicate that it was painful and I wasn't able to ask those questions.

Right. We've all been there.

That was like our non use of words to say this hurts. And let's like take a break, let's stop.

Because you kept trying.

Yeah.

So let's talk about the preparation. Getting ready for anal sex. So people are like, is it dirty? Like how do I wash that area? Do I need to do an enema? Like clear the Runway? Like, what do you recommend? Like I say you could do an enema if you wanted to.

You know, you could.

It's not necessary.

You know, it's almost like some people say, well, I have to have a partner who takes a shower before we have sex. And some people are like, I don't really care. Like I like the way you smell and you know, it's a little bit of the day has gone by, like I'm okay with it. So everybody's got their own sort of hygienic needs. That's true, but it should be talked about. We should get to know our partner's hygiene needs. And if, if playing in the anus or playing in the rectum is part of your desires, you want to bring that up and just find out how far should we go? Because we can make it squeaky, squeaky clean or we can just sort of ride the wave of in the moment and just acknowledge that it might get a little dirty, might get a little messy, but that could be okay.

Right? Because sex is messy. Sex can be messy. It's okay. But you know, just, if you just want the basics, you can just shower, clean your genitals beforehand, use non irritating soap, stick a little finger inside, rinse, you know, just do that. So I don't think that you. Yeah, exactly. Case by case basis, decide how you feel about it and stick up for that. Safety first, condoms. And very important, clean and trim. Hernando, you let me know that you trimmed your fingernails. Keith, I think you thought we were having anal.

I didn't know if this would be experiential.

Right.

Maybe we've started. So we'll see. So clean and trim fingernails. Very important because you always think you should start with the finger.

Yeah.

And.

And one mistake I made today is I didn't file my nails.

I know, dude. I'm sorry. I was going to do it, but you didn't file. Damn you.

Our most important starring role is lube.

Yes.

Besides your finger, penis or toys, lube. It makes any sexual experience more pleasurable. I just. You know how I feel about lube. The wider the better. And the anal canal not self lubricating like the. The vagina can. Will self lubricate. The anus will not. Like you. Like non negotiable. You need lube during sex. But which lube is the best?

You know, I found out how dry it was back in college and I never forgot that.

Never forgot it.

And we've got. I think you and I were having a great discussion earlier about what can we do to help line that rectum.

Yes. Let's talk about it.

Want to talk about that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You show me some. Hernando. Oh my God. We took some videos. I'm going to save the ones on Snapchat. But like he. You came in here with a huge box of sex toys of butt plugs. And he was like, what? What did you say? You're like, what if I got hit walking across the street and butt plugs went like flying across Santa Monica Boulevard and that would have been hilarious.

I would have laughed.

I mean, I would have saved you. I would have come save you. But then I would have just had to take pictures. Butt plugs. But you brought some cool stuff. Should we talk about some of the stuff happening with lube?

Sure, sure. You know, so as you were saying, you know, the. The rectum doesn't self lubricate like the vagina does.

So.

So we've got to take into consideration that during anal sex the rectum is totally dry. And that's where a lot of pain comes from.

People.

Something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of people will do. And it's one way to try to lubricate the rectum. But it actually sometimes works against us or doesn't work very well. And what I mean by that is imagine the person putting all this lubrication on the penis, you know, or on the dildo or the toy. And they're going to have anal and they just like sort of insert it. And the anus itself, because it's closed and tight, actually like squeegees a lot of that lube off.

Right.

So you're kind of inserting inside with very little lube.

Right.

But you think you put a lot of lube on, right?

Because you did, but it's on the.

Outside or most of it.

Right. So now we have what we have the lube shooter.

Lube shooter.

Do you recommend the loop shooter?

I. I love them. I think they're really valuable, but it's not very sexy. Especially if it's like a hookup or someone you just sort of getting intimate with.

It literally looks like a water gun, but you shoot or like a shot.

Like a syringe.

Like a syringe. Right.

You fill it up with lube and.

You kind of insert your body right.

Shoot inside.

Okay.

But they have these new products, they have these new like, like gel sort of silicone capsules that you insert inside of the rectum and they actually dissolve. It takes about 15 to 30 minutes.

And it dissolves, dissolving, and that's really brilliant.

Emily, what do you think about water based versus silicone?

For anal or for anything in life? I like them both. It depends what I'm doing. I like hybrid too, but I like, I like silicone. If you're using like skin condoms, which are poly supreme, you don't have to worry about it. As much silicone lasts longer, it could be a little harder to clean up. But I like it for anal. But yeah. What about you?

I like silicone for anal for sure, because the water based absorbs more in the rectum because it is a water absorption canal. So it, it will run out over time. So if you are a person who lasts longer or if it's kind of like, you know, it could dry up a little bit inside there, whereas the silicone tone would last a bit more.

I'm gonna send you home with some lube.

I appreciate that.

How about that? And a butt plug. Oh, we did. We gave you, we gave you the. The Black Pearl.

Yes.

The ViperX. Yeah. So you're gonna try that tonight, Give me a call. Thank you, Dr. Chavez. This was amazing having you here. This is so fun. Did you have a fun time?

Always.

Okay, good.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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