Are We All A Little Non-Monogamous?

This is not something that you ever want to talk your partner into. You're going to like it. It's going to be great. Let's just try it. I promise. No, that never goes well. You have to be 100% on board with it. Both of you discussing the boundaries, discussing the rules. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, real talk. I'm getting more questions than ever about non-monogamous relationships. But is it right for you? Today I'm taking your calls about what it takes to navigate different kinds of relationships and how our listeners' failures and success stories can help those considering opening up. When you're long distance, is an open arrangement actually ideal? Or is the relationship itself a distraction from the people right in front of you? Or when you're married monogamously, but one of you starts flirting with someone else, is an open marriage the right move or not so much? Or how about when you're in a heterosexual relationship but want to explore your bisexuality? Is bringing in a same-sex third a healthy fix? All this and more on today's episode. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to destigmatize different kinds of relationships by letting you hear people just like you talk through it. Non-monogamy is definitely not for everyone. I hear you. But then again, neither is monogamy. So wherever you land on the relationship orientation scale, spectrum, we've all got a lot to learn from my callers today. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really, really helps us, helps get the show out there to more people. So please review it. My new article, How Do I Prep for Sex, is up at sexwithemily.com. Please check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all @sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/ask Emily Morse, or call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX, or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. But before we get into today's show, I want to tell you all about something very, very exciting. I'm coming out with a book. Pre-order it like right now. Please pre-order it. I'm learning a lot about pre-orders. It helps tremendously. So if you've been a fan of the show or you're listening or you know you want buy a book that's going to for sure change your life, then check out my book, Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. It's going to be in your hands on June 13th, and it's also available at all major booksellers. And you can find the link in the show notes or on our website. You can also request it at your libraries. Just get it from there. Anything you can do to get the word out is so, so helpful. You can also preorder from indie bookstores. I love supporting the indie bookstores like Green Apple Books. And I just want to say this. I'm going to be on a really exciting book tour in June. And so if you want me to come speak at your organization or you know that you want to join me on a book tour, then just definitely sign up for our mailing list. You can also find that on our website. We send out really good newsletters. I'm just gonna tell you, like once a week. I'm super excited to meet you all on the road. Thank you for supporting the book and enjoy this episode. You know, I've been talking about this for a long time, and apparently on my first episode I talk about open relationships there. But at the time, I was just starting to get to know some people. I lived in San Francisco, and I was like you, likely, and I thought, come on, this stuff doesn't really work. And I started meeting friends who actually were in alternative kinds of relationships. Some of them were swingers, They were committed, but sometimes they would go to a play party and they would take someone home and, you know, they would swing. That's what swinging is. Some of them were open, meaning they had like a primary relationship and then they would have a secondary partner that it's all above board too. So they would talk about it. They'd have all— sometimes they would have 3 or 4. I had a friend who had a spreadsheet. She had like a Google Doc calendar that she shared with her husband of all the people they were sleeping with all month long so they could keep track of it. And I know you might think like I did, oh, come on, that wouldn't work. That's just a way of saying, I just want to bang whoever I want. But I have to tell you this, that the people I know who are in successful alternative relationships, however you define it, actually practice this very fierce and rigorous honesty. They communicate really well. They talk about really everything. And I feel that we could learn a lot from them, actually, the people that I know that have done it successfully. I admire their candor and I admire that they can sort of navigate jealousy. It's not that they don't get jealous, right? Because I think that we all get jealous in relationships. That happens. It's the way that people I admire learn to sort of put words behind it, and they learn to kind of talk about it with their partner, not in like a blaming way or an angry way. I mean, sure, at first it's a process learning to sort of communicate well. You know, I remember talking to a friend once. She said, I was really envious because something happened. I think she was having a date that night and her husband was having a date, but her date canceled. And so she was home and she said she started feeling sorry for herself and jealous, and then she was able to go to this place very quickly and say, you know what, but that wasn't about him and anything he did. She said it was more about me. And she went back to her childhood feeling that she was always someone who wasn't lovable, and, you know, an earlier boyfriend who cheated on her. And she was able to, through her process of being someone who'd looked at her emotions and her triggers, realized that it was another night at home. Her husband was coming home. That was her arrangement, that he was gonna go on a date and come home, and she was able to sort of release it, and it didn't take down her night. It didn't ruin her weekend. She was able to process it. And I really want you— I've seen this as a possible solution for many couples who are just another relationship alternative, for many couples who just sort of realize that they can navigate this, that they're interested in seeing other people, you know, that they want to be polyamorous or have a throuple or be in an open relationship. So this is from Cody, 28, in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have an amazing wife, but we hit a roadblock in sexual compatibility. When we first got together, she was always wanting sex, very kinky, very willing to try new things. I came out to her a few years ago that I was bi, and that's when she just shut down and became vanilla. Sex was always a taboo subject for her, and she really has a hard time opening up, and I'm having a hard time staying poly for her. I have needs that she doesn't understand though, and I try to help her. In the past she's brought up that she'd like to try a threesome, but now is telling me she has no desire, and that was to keep me happy so I would stay with her. I'm at a point where things seem and feel hopeless. I have many fantasies she's aware but not willing at all to help fulfill those. What can I do? Is there a way I can turn her back to her old ways? All right, Cody, there's a lot going on here. So first you're saying that you let her know you were But before that, you guys were kinky and you were doing other things and maybe talking about threesomes. But the thing that's confusing here is that you said that she was really open before, but the second you told her that you were bi, she shut down. And I feel like if she wasn't open before, sex is still taboo to her. My sense is that when you brought up you were bi to her, it might have been confusing. It could have been threatening. She might not have understood what that actually meant. Does it mean that you're going to be, you know, with other people? You could fall in love with someone else. I don't know what went through her head. So sometimes it's like, I love that you, you told her and that you have, you know, open communication. But we have to also remember, and this is important when we're having a conversation about intimacy with a partner, about something we want or fantasy. We have to really take it slow and we have to unpack it. We have to say, you know, this is why I have this fantasy and this is what it's about for me and this is what it means to me and this is what it could mean for us. Because they just might not have all the details. That's why we say you can't go from zero to threesome. You can't tell your partner like, I think we should have a threesome and let's bring your friend in. Like, that's not going to work. I feel like it really is hard to deal with a partner that will not talk or open up about sex. I mean, how many of you have a partner where you try to bring it up and they won't talk about it? And a lot of you also have the story like Cody. It was amazing in the beginning, everything was great, and now it's not. That's because it's always amazing in the beginning or you wouldn't be with somebody. Like, that's what gets you hooked. You're like, the sex and everything's great and there's no problems. Let's get married. Let's be together forever. And then you're like, oops, there's problems. Just— I wish we could all just learn to accept the fact that that is what happens. There's challenges that come up in every relationship. So going back to you, Cody, you're not going to turn her back to her old ways because I'm going to say that maybe, first of all, there's never any going back, but there's a getting to know where she's at now and getting to the root of what, you know, what's really going on with her. Now, if she was truly authentically kinky before, because you said she's kinky but she also thinks sex is taboo, so I'm a little bit confused about where she is here on the spectrum, but I would just put all that aside and say I really want to talk about the importance of prioritizing our pleasure. How can we both be the best lovers to each other, figure out what we're into, our expectations, and have healthy conversations around it? And just remember, it is not a one-time conversation, Cody. Let's talk to Carly, 20, in California. Hi, Carly. Thanks for calling.

I'm calling because me and my ex-boyfriend have kind of been in the process of getting back together, but we live long distance, so we've kind of been trying to figure out how that looks like. And just recently this week, we decided that it would be best if we did an open relationship. And this is after we had both actually been physical with other people the weekend before. So we kind of just thought this is probably what's best for us. And so I was kind of just hoping to get some advice on like, how is the best way to go forward with an open relationship? It's my first time ever doing anything like this. And kind of like, how much weight should I be putting on stuff I'm doing with other people who aren't my boyfriend?

Well, yeah, Carly, it's a great question. How long have you guys been together?

We dated for probably on and off like a year total, and then we broke up and have been talking and kind of seeing each other more often since like August or September.

Okay. And then how— we're how long distance? He's moving out of town or you're moving?

Yeah, we're about 6 hours apart.

So here's the thing about open relationships. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of boundary setting. And most couples learn on the job sometimes, like, oh, well, that made me jealous. I didn't want to hear about this hookup or that hookup. So you have to learn, you have to be really great communicators. So your question is, how much should you emphasize the other person? I mean, I think you mean how much time should you give another person if he's your primary partner? That's what we call—

okay, time. How much? Yeah, how much of like my emotional time and like stuff like that too should I be like putting on other things I'm doing with other people?

Well, I think it's a case-by-case basis, but I think I don't know, how long are you guys gonna be living in separate cities for? Like, do you know that eventually you'll be in the same place again?

It's kind of indefinite, 'cause I'm still in school and he's not. So it's kind of an indefinite situation on whether we would ever be living in the same city.

So Carly, what is it about an open relationship that's appealing to you? 'Cause my thing is like, you're 20, you're in college, like that's such a good time to explore and be with other people without having to put strict boundaries on it. Like, oh, I can't go to— 'Cause it's hard sometimes, Carly, to say, like you may meet someone and sleep with them a few times and be like, 'Oh wow, I'm catching feelings. Like, I kind of feel that this could be something.' Because at your age, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's harder to maintain these kind of relationships, I think, and maybe not always worth it. Because I mean, are you looking to get married and settle down and have kids in the next year?

No. Okay, definitely not.

So I get the feeling of, okay, I'm just gonna be honest. Yeah, like, I feel like you can get the feeling of he, he's the one, he's the one, I'm gonna miss him, and we have— I've never felt this before and it feels great, we want to keep it open. And I just, I don't know, I just think there's something about being your age and you're in college and you're meeting people and like we change so much in our 20s. I would say this is a good opportunity for you to experiment, be with other people, and maybe it's not open as much as it is just when he comes to town, you see each other, but then you're spending all your time on the phone, you're FaceTiming all day, you're texting back and forth, and then you're not getting to be present and be with your friends and meet other people. College is a precious time for that.

That's true. Yeah, you're right.

So that's what I think. Like, if you were my niece or something, which you could be, I'd be like, that's what I would tell you. And I would tell myself— I had a long-distance relationship my sophomore, my freshman year of college, and I still go back on that. I don't have a lot of regrets. Like, I love the relationship. He was great. But I remember being so preoccupied with, like, every other weekend I'd go to his college, he'd go to mine. And I thought, I wish I just kind of stayed put and really got to be with my people. And because it just— it doesn't last. Like, if I could never be with someone I was with when I was 25, I'm a different person. So or 20. That's my advice for you, Carly. It's a lot of work being in a— unless it could be totally open and flexible, like without a label. Like you're gonna see them and they will, and he'll agree to like, well, let's just kind of be loose about this. You won't have strict rules around it, but if when we see each other it's meant to be and we feel good, we'll hook up. Yeah, just— okay, that's my advice.

Okay, thank you so much.

Of course, Carly. Have a great night. Thanks for calling.

You too.

Yeah, okay, thank you. Bye-bye. Open relationships are not for everybody, but I get the sense from hearing Carly that she's just— she doesn't want to let it go because it's a great thing, and when they see each other, it's wonderful. But I know that toll it takes to have a long-distance or an open relationship. It's, it's a lot of work. And yes, it works for a lot of people, but I don't think that, you know, it's for everybody, at least in this stage in her life. Now, there's a lot of couples where it does work and it's their way of life. So I just like talking about the different options people have in relationships. It doesn't have to be like everyone else's. Yeah, open's hard and, uh, closed is hard. Monogamy is hard. Open relationships are challenging. People I know in open relationships who are successful have really strong boundaries. They have excellent communication. It's impeccable. They talk about everything. And when something is hard or they get jealous, they talk about it. And I think it's great practice for being in an honest, truthful, loving relationship. I wish that people in monogamous relationships could also sometimes talk about jealousy and feelings that come up. You know, a lot of us are avoidant and we don't talk about any of it, but I just, you know, I think you're in school, long distance. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't. Let's talk to Paul 47 in North Carolina. Hi, Paul. Thanks for calling. How you doing?

Hey, Emily, I'm good. How are you?

Good. So you've been in a relationship?

Yeah, I think it can be enjoyable provided both the couple, both, both the partners have a complete understanding about that, and they really want to get into it. It's not so much the excitement of getting into it. We know a lot of couples who did that, and the feeling that they got afterwards was not all that great. So my only suggestion would be just make sure both of you want it. Just make sure both of you are ready about that. Talk to each other, and then if you feel comfortable, it can be enjoyable. And one last thing, Emily, before, before I stop, we did— it's not that we did a lot, but we dabbled in it a little bit and we defined our boundaries very, very clearly. And we did go to a few of the parties that you talked about in your show. What was really surprising for us is a lot of people who attend these parties and who are sort of dabbling or wetting their toes in this kind of an alternative lifestyle, are perfectly normal, regular suburban couples.

Yeah, exactly.

They're just, just regular normal people. So that's, that's what I just wanted to share.

Yeah, no, Paul, thank you. I so appreciate that. Thank you for calling. You did great. That's so helpful. And you're right, Paul, that's exactly what I was saying, that you— they're your neighbors. They're not talking to telling you about it because they think you're going to judge them, most people, right, Paul? But they're really just people who have a healthy relationship and they thought, let's go experiment and see what this is about. It's something that we could do together that might bring us even closer together, you know, have something fun. You know, a lot of couples who do a pod— I don't know if you had this experience, but they actually find it hot to go experience, you know, threesome or bring someone else in, and then they go home and they talk about it in the bedroom and they use that as kind of a fun thing to like roleplay, replay again in there.

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. I think this is a good avenue if everybody is on the on the same page and it's what's good for one doesn't necessarily mean it's good for the other. But it is if you have the right level of relationship. I mean, it's something that works for some people.

So that's good, Paul. So it worked for you, huh, for a little bit?

We did try that a little bit. We explored it and then kind of, you know, different things in life took a priority, family and careers and all that. So we kind of stopped that. But we have been there, done that, right?

Been there, done that. We tried it out. Why not? Life is short. Yeah, why not try it out? You know, if you're in a healthy place and you're right, you have to both be on board. Thank you for your question, Paul. Good to hear from you. Thanks for calling. Glad you called in. Well, first off, great point there. Let's— we're talking about open relationship. This is not something that you ever want to talk your partner into. You're gonna like it, it's gonna be great, let's just try it, I promise. No, that never goes well. You have to be 100% on board with it, both of you discussing the boundaries, discussing the rules, talking about fantasies as much as you can. And then there's like a period afterward where you, you know, after your first experience, where you also sort of do some repair and some conversations around that to see how did it go. This is from Mary, 45, in Virginia. Hey, Dr. Emily, my therapist recommended your podcast and it's been incredibly eye-opening. Thank you. I've been married and in a monogamous relationship for 12 years. In the beginning, it was great, but in recent years, I felt more unfulfilled and disinterested in sex with my partner. I found myself becoming really attracted to other men, which did not happen during the majority of our relationship. I've even been masturbating to fantasies about some of my male friends. I love my partner, and I know he's my guy, but I'm concerned about these growing desires for other people. We've discussed open relationships and concluded just not for us. However, I worry because I know that I'll never sleep with another person again, which means now that sex will forever be unexciting. I'm still very attracted to my partner. I just don't seem to be getting as aroused. I have to use a lot more lube during sex as I'm struggling to even get wet, and I've had some vaginal pain during sex as well, something that never happened in the past. I don't want to break up with my partner, but I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on him with these desires and fantasies. I'm not sure what to do. Alright, let's get into this. Thank you so much for your question, Mary. Okay, so there's a few things going on. First, let me normalize. Totally normal for your sex life to get stale after the honeymoon phase, after you've been together with someone, especially for 12 years. So you're going to be looking for ways to spice it up, keep it interesting. And also, I don't want you to shame yourself, you know, that you are having these fantasies. Remember, there's two kinds of fantasies: the ones that you want to share with your partner, the ones that you're super excited to happen. You're like, hey babe, I want you to spank me. Let's try toys. Can't stop fantasizing about it. And then the ones that you want to keep to yourself. All are okay, really. But there's something here that I'm thinking about. You mentioned having some wetness challenges, some pain, and I'm looking at your age at 45 and I'm thinking other things could be at play right now. For example, perimenopause. You might be in perimenopause edging towards menopause. And if so, you might want to see a doctor, get your hormones checked. And if you've been listening to the show, you know, I'm sort of obsessed with perimenopause, menopause. Up until very, very recently, I'm telling you, I've been doing this for almost 20 years, and up until the last few years, we haven't even been talking about menopause. There haven't been a lot of solutions for menopause. So, you could get checked out. You just might need some vaginal estrogen, get your hormones checked, because what's happening right now in perimenopause is that there's a loss of estrogen. So, when that happens, our vaginal walls become thinner, we have more dryness, we have more vaginal pain, and it could impact our libido. I highly recommend checking out Odella Health. It is a virtual health clinic. It's the first of its kind, and its primary focus is on women's sexual health. I want to emphasize virtual here because it's so easy just to call them and talk to one of their providers and just see how they can help. They provide prescriptions for estrogen, which can be a game changer, can certainly help with your wetness levels. Estrogen helps stabilize your libido. You don't have to suffer in silence. I just want to remind everybody. Vaginal estrogen is also 100% safe. We're finding out a lot more about it. It's a longer story. I will be talking more about this in weeks to come and months to come. But like 20 years ago, there was a study that showed that if we did take hormone replacement therapy, that it could cause cancer. And we found out that's really not true. So again, Odell Health, you— it's really cool with Odell Health. You can get a free 30-minute virtual consultation with one of their nurse practitioners. So I would just check it out. And see what's going on there. You might find that if you start to look at some of these symptoms that could be coming from perimenopause, you might find that you are more attracted to your partner, especially if your wetness levels come back. And who knows, maybe you might want to open up the conversation again about opening up, or at least just trying new things with your partner. Listen, it's never too late to find ways to keep your sex life interesting. In fact, should never stop trying. Whether it's finding, you know, whether it's like downloading our Yes, No, Maybe list, trying new toys, discussing fantasies that you do want to share with each other. There could be some ways you could connect with your partner around just more communication, more listening. How is your partner feeling about your sex life right now? You know, are there things that he wants to do to stay more connected? You've been in this relationship for a while with your partner, and again, it sounds like you are escaping by having fantasies about other people, which is all fine. Fantasy is healthy, as I'm saying, but I I'm curious, have you had any talks with your partner lately about your own sex life? Like, what do you both want to do to keep it interesting and hot? Because you might just find if you start bringing in some other elements, I'm not saying you need to open it up or do anything like that, although maybe down the road, once you start to feel better sexually and feel more like yourself, maybe you guys can open up discussion. But there's many ways that couples can start to connect because it's never too late to talk about sex. Maybe you could be finding out what his fantasies are. Maybe you guys could bring in some, you know, ethical porn and start bringing some new elements into your sex life to keep it hot hot and interesting. But I don't want you to beat yourself up for any of these fantasies. I would just love you to take more time to focus on your own sexual health. And remember to bring your partner into this and see what you guys can do to keep it hot and interesting for the years to come. And also, if you want to know more about Odella Health, I'll also put this in the show notes, but it's odellahelp.com/sexwithemily. That's O-D-E-L-A. Stay tuned because I'll be talking more about navigating open relationships the right way. Right after this break. So before you can even liberate from your sex life or to liberate yourself sexually, you have to think about what is my relationship with sex right now, with my partner, with myself? Do I still have a lot of shame, body shame, or shame around even being a sexual being. Maybe there's been some trauma that you've gone through that, that hasn't been resolved yet. I mean, all these things that I'm saying too, and talking about open relationships, again, I should have said this caveat that of course if one of you in the relationship isn't in a healthy place, you haven't done work on trauma, you are still feeling a lot of shame around it, you haven't been able to even talk about it, if you've never talked about sex with your partner or explored, you don't just open up with a let's swing this weekend, let's have a threesome. There's some more groundwork to do, and that's what sexual liberation is about. Where are you feeling closed off? Where are you stuck right now? Where are you feeling that sexually you could use a little bit of work? You know, you could say, you know, I've always wanted to try this thing or try something with my partner, but you know, maybe I haven't gotten up the courage yet. Is there something you've always wanted to try but you haven't gotten up the courage yet? Because you know that's what I do, I help you get there. Where are you stuck right now? Where can I help you liberate sexually? Now, maybe you are with yourself and without a partner now, or maybe it's a lifestyle. And where could I liberate you around self-pleasure? Where can I liberate you around masturbation or fantasies or things that you've been wanting to try? Because all the things I talk about, about opening up sexually and masturbating, if you want more information on that, we've got so many podcasts, tons of blog posts at sexwithemily.com. To liberate yourself sexually? How do you want to touch yourself differently? You know, maybe it's time to buy a toy. Sex toy market is booming right now, by the way. It wasn't just a notion, it wasn't just a hint, it wasn't just a maybe people buy more sex toys. They are certifiably saying this is the time, and that's what I want you to do right now. Even if it's not buying anything, it's not— you don't have to monetarily invest in your sex life, but you can say I'm going to invest in changing up the way I think about my sex life. I'm going to liberate myself from the sexual jail I've been living in my entire life, the last few months, however long you've been in a place where you don't feel that you deserve the, the pleasure, that pleasure is not your birthright. Because I believe it's all of our birthright. Like, pleasure is our birthright. We all get to explore, we all get to experience more joy in our life, and I don't think that we do that enough at all. And sex is like something that we can all we can all do. We can all please ourselves at the very least. We can all, you know, orgasm is actually, it's healthy, it's good for us, boosts our mood, our immune system, and I think we could all use a little immune boost. So liberating could also mean, okay, so maybe you're like, you know, Emily, I got no hangups, we're good, we're good, we're healthy, we're having sex regularly. Maybe you just want to talk to your partner about how do I explore toys right now? I want to play with some anal sex. I want you to anally penetrate me. I want explore some BDSM, some dominant submission, some role-playing. What is holding you back from that happening? I just want to know. I'm actually really curious why we're not going there. Like, what is it? All right, this is from Veronica 34 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, thanks for your podcast. I love it. So I have a question. I was in a very long relationship that didn't last. I'm with someone now who's not really my type looks-wise, I'm not attracted to him, but he's an amazing guy who does everything to make me happy. Sex is not really there. He has a small penis and does not last long at all, not more than 2 minutes. There's so many things we just can't do. I have a longtime friend who I have sex with every time he's in town, and he's in town for good now. I know things will never be with the guy that's in town because he's polyamorous, and it's so tempting because I can really see myself living that way. I just have kids and it's scary, but I feel myself pushing away from my partner, not wanting to have sex. Not even wanting to be home, and I feel horrible about it. Should I leave my partner? There's nothing you can do about a small penis or to even last longer. Please advise. All right, Veronica, thank you so much for your email. Okay, there is a lot to unpack here. First, what I'm getting from reading this, it sounds like it might be time to choose you. Like maybe it's not about either one of these guys, penis challenge guy or poly guy. You said you left a long-term relationship. And I just get this sense that maybe you've been moving from one guy to the next and maybe it's time to figure out who you are and what you want. That's just the feeling I got. So maybe it's time to be alone without a partner just for a little bit and think about what do you actually want right now? Because sometimes when I hear like, is it this or that? You know, who should I pick? I just want to say maybe it's time to pick you and it'll be a lot clearer. But let's unpack this. So you're with a guy who wants to make you happy. Something the long-term partner probably didn't do. Let me remind you that we tend to heal our past relationships in our current relationship. So there may be some of that going on. Like maybe your ex in the long-term relationship would never try to make you happy, but the sex was amazing, you liked his penis, and now here's a guy who wants to make you happy, but you're not into the sex. Just something to think about. Since you're not having great sex right now with the small penis guy, of course the poly guy sex is enticing and amazing. But he's also not really available for what you need right now, which sounds like you are leaning more towards monogamy. So a few things I want you to think about. If you want to work on it with Mr. Amazing, remember penis size typically doesn't matter and isn't an issue for many vulva owners, especially when it comes to pleasure. For optimal arousal, meaning, you know, having more pleasure, more orgasms, usually it's fingers or hands or toys and not a penis. Okay, so only you know if you miss the fullness of a larger penis, if that's something you're craving. But sometimes we just say, oh, he's got a small penis, he's got this or that. But really think about it. Are there other ways he's pleasing you? Is he going down on you? Is he giving you pleasure, or could he learn to give you pleasure in other ways? And let me just address something here. When you said there's nothing you can do about it, that it doesn't last long, I just gotta remind you about Promescent. I've been talking about Promescent for probably a decade right now because They are incredible. I don't know anyone else does what Promescent does. They're a quickly absorbing delay spray that helps men last up to 64% longer in bed. You spray it on about 10 to 15 minutes before you have sex and it can last up to an hour. So, we love Promescent and, well, I'll put this in the show notes, but if you want to go to promescent.com/emily, they are offering 15% off your order right now, which is really cool and generous. So that's one thing you can work on, these penis things. So really, I just want to have you think about it here. Mr. Amazing. That's amazing. Could you really talk to him and say, let's work on our sex life? Here's what I know turns me on. Here's ways that I experience pleasure. Could you learn together? Because I don't know, sometimes we just tend to cast people off because we're like, well, this isn't working, that's not working sexually. But until we actually have a talk with somebody and say, Here's my needs, here's my desires, here's my wants. What are yours? Desires and wants. How can we be great lovers to each other? I don't think we can just end it. I always recommend that before you end a relationship with someone, make sure that you've done everything right. You've turned over every stone. You didn't just say, eh, I'm not into this person, that you spent time really thinking about it because it sounds like you really like this guy. And I don't want you to regret having just thrown out the whole relationship without developing some healthy communication with him right now. Now, Mr. Poly Guy, going back to that, he sounds amazing. You're having great sex with him. Listen, if you're not into a polyamorous relationship, which makes sense, you have kids and you have another lifestyle right now, then it's probably best to steer clear of him. I know it's really enticing and tempting because he's in town right now, but I have a feeling, you know, you've chose to be with Mr. Amazing. Maybe it's some time to put some more energy in that. And it sounds like Mr. Poly isn't going anywhere. All right, thanks so much for your question. Appreciate you, Veronica. Let's talk to Chris, 37, in North Carolina.

All righty. Hey, how you doing?

Hey, Chris, I'm good. How are you? What's going on? How can I help?

All right, well, okay, I'm hoping you can give me some insight. I've been married now for 3 years, and my wife and myself, we've been together for a little over 5. About a year and a half ago, uh, her job closed and she started feeling that very bad, you know, no worth whatsoever. And I worked and worked and worked to try to help her out with it. She finally got a new job and, you know, started coming back. Our sex life completely was demolished during that time frame. So whenever she finally, you know, got back to work and all, we were like, okay, You know, something's, you know, something's got to give. We've got to try to entice our relationship some. So we broke into the world of bondage and all light rope play, handcuffs, just easygoing stuff. We've been trying to learn it, but I guess I thought we were doing good, but come to find out we weren't. A couple nights ago, I'm an over-the-road truck driver, so, you know, most of our most of our conversations are over the phone. Um, so, you know, my wife called me and said that she needs more, that there's some things that she needs that I can't deliver on. You know, I won't lie about it, um, I do suffer from premature ejaculation, which really sucks, but it happens. So like the really rough style ideal that she's looking for, I have a hard time delivering on that. So she approached me with the ideal of open marriage and all so that she could seek out what she's looking for, what she needs. I wasn't too keen on that ideal. So we sat down over the weekend, we, we talked some more, and we come up with the possibility of maybe swinging or something like that, something that we could do as a couple, because I'm not— I don't want to lose her by no means. I love her to death. But at the same aspect, I don't want to see her get into a situation with just like somebody off of Tinder that could possibly really harm her, right? If that makes sense.

No, Chris, there's a lot here.

Wow. Yeah, it doesn't even make sense coming out of my own head right now, right? Right. Process.

Oh my God, there's a lot of things. Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, so are you okay with the—

I don't know. I don't know because I don't know if it's going to help us or hurt us. Um, because right before Christmas I found out that she, she was talking to another, another guy.

Okay.

Um, my wife and myself, we are the same age. The guy she was talking to was 24. I found out about it on the worst possible way whenever we were redoing our phone plan and everything else, and I started noticing these phone numbers that were on the bill at like 12, 1, 2, 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, well, uh, that's not a telemarketer.

Yeah.

And she finally told me, said, well, yeah, that's the guy I work with, you know, we've been texting, flirting, everything else. And she was like, that's why I changed my hair color so that I could try to pick back up our relationship and try to get us back to where we need to be. And I did. I explained to her, I said, you know, I said, I understand. I said, people are promiscuous. It's human nature. It's human nature. The whole you can look but you can't touch and everything else like that. Once you're married and whatnot, if it makes sense. I told her, you know, the thing that hurt me the most was that I was kept in the dark about it for about 7 months. So I've kind of pretty much gotten over that. Um, I was in therapy for a little while. My therapist told me that whenever people are molested at an early age, they can go one of two ways. Um, they can go really clingy, want the sense of security, safety, or they can go promiscuous.

Yeah, I don't know. It's not true. I mean, listen, people, people can be molested, you know, like 1 out of 6 women, you know, has sexual assault or been molested. I wouldn't say that there's— it's a 50/50, that there's— it's so black and white. So that I don't love about your therapist. But, but yeah, people can react to things in all different ways. But the thing I want to go back to is, there's a lot here. First off, I can't stop thinking about your premature ejaculation because I just I just want to say that there's stuff you can do to work on that. Now that I've heard more context, it makes sense, because at first I was like, there's no way this is about the fact that you are premature ejaculator, because so many men are, and we can talk about that, what to do. But now it's not even about that, because that kind of upset me when people say like, well, you never do this, so now I'm going to cheat on you. You never do this, that's why I went open relationship. So it's never about what someone says it's about. It's usually there's other things going on. Now, I think you're You're right that for many people, monogamy isn't the only option. There's other things that work. I don't know that we're all meant to be— that that should be the only option that we're all only meant to be with one person sexually. Right. There's a lot of different permutations of open relationships, right? Like some couples, they, they, they, you know, they still stay together, they live together, but they don't have like emotional relationships with anyone else, but they just keep it sexual. Right. Or they swap with a couple and, and they communicate about everything. And they're very open. Like, the people that I know who are in healthy, let's call them alternative relationships, practice like such a rigorous honesty where they share everything and they're open. And for many of them, it actually helps their relationship. But when it starts on shaky ground, like, we have to get it open, or we have to swing to save this relationship, like, this is all we can do to make it better, it doesn't always work because both of you have to want it and be on the same page. You can't talk your partner into it, you know, unless you really thought it was interesting to be with someone else as well, Chris. Like, is there any part of you that thinks it might be hot to be with someone else right now, or is it just to appease your wife?

I think— yeah, you want me to be honest? I think it's more— it's more to appease my wife. She approached me with the possibility of, of a threesome, you know, to see if we could build on that. And like, I even told her, okay, I'm kind of fine with that, but I have no want or will to be with nobody else, you know.

Right.

You know, you're, you're all I need.

Yeah.

You know, therapy— I, I have jealous— I have jealousy issues and stuff like that.

Uh, yeah, this is not for you.

Opening this job now for about 14 years, and I've been cheated on probably out of probably 7, 7 of my last relationships. So it's kind of a mental thing for me too of, wow, is this just a BS reason to be able to cheat and say it's okay? Or is it just like, well, you know, if I do this, I can still get what I want, I can still have the financial security, and you know, he can just deal with it. So it's kind of— there's so many different things going around in my head right now.

Yes, of course.

I'm—

wow. Yeah, blindsided with—

there's a lot here. So first off, how often are you away during the week? Like, if you're a truck driver and you're on the road, like, how busy?

I leave out early, early Monday mornings, and I don't get back home until Friday afternoons, um, like this This past weekend, whenever I was blindsided with it, I was actually on the way back from an emergency FEMA load, and I got blindsided at 1 o'clock in the morning with it.

You're home 2 days a week?

Yes. Yeah, a day and a half to 2 days a week.

I mean, I think that's part of it, is saying that that is a lifestyle choice, right? And so I think it's about being clear with what is possible, because you might just be with people who need people around more regularly, right? Like, who, who want a marriage— you said you guys are married— you know, where it's— they have a partner who's there every day or more often, right?

It works out good for us because I am naturally a loner. I really am.

Okay.

And my wife, she does her own thing during the week. So as far as the time spent apart, it actually works out great for us in that aspect. We don't get tired of each other. Per se, to where we get on each other's nerves. Because I tell her all the time, we're technically still newlyweds, you know, because we really haven't even been married for, for 4— for a full year, you know, time-wise spent together.

Okay, well, there's a lot here. I mean, I think, I think what you're saying is it works for you when you're together, but maybe, you know, then maybe there is a way that an alternative relationship could work for you? If she— does she want to stay in the marriage? Does she want to make it work and stay with you? And do you want to stay in it? You do, but does she?

Yes, she said that she loves what we have. She said she loves every minute around me and our stepson. She said, I love the way that, that you treat our son. She said, you know, she said it's just there's desires that I have that I know that you can't.

Well, it's not because you can't. I mean, I guess it's because you're out of town, but I wouldn't say it's because the premature ejaculation. You know, I, I feel like that you guys are gonna have to maybe seek some sort of alternative relationship that works if you want to stay with her. But you get to set your own rules, um, and talk about, you know, what, what works for you guys. Like, maybe she can— she you want her to be with someone, you know, to tell you everything, or let it be someone who can't sleep over. But I think it's gonna be hard to enforce the rules here, but you're gonna have to get really clear and tell her that you want to be 100% honest on, on all of it. Now, if you're still getting your needs met in this relationship, you might have to just accept the fact that you might not always know the truth, that she's going to want other things sexually, and that you're going to see her 1.5 days a week, and that's what it's going to be.

I just found out whenever she went on her last vacation, uh, she did have a little fling with a female, and that was 5 months ago, and I just found out about it.

Okay.

While we were talking about everything, and she was said, well, I do have a video of it, and I was like, really?

Okay.

And she's like, yeah. And I was like, I was like, wow, if this is actually going to work, I said, you're going to have to be kind of be a little open with me about things because that's wrong. I said, you've been carrying that for 5 months.

But Chris, you got to make it— she's shown you who— that you ever seen people show you who they are, believe them. She was cheating on the guy at work, whether it was flirting. She wants— she's had this with this woman. This— she's going to continue to not tell you the truth and lie to you about about these things, and she's going to be sexually adventurous. This is the truth. She's not going to change. And so you have to decide, am I in this relationship for what I'm getting, or am I out? And that's my advice for you, Chris. So that's it. The truth is there. She's not going to change, okay? People don't change. So either she can go to therapy with you and you can write a contract. Thanks, Chris. I appreciate your call. Thank you so much. That's it for today's episode See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.