Are You Sexually Intelligent? with Amy Jo Goddard

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God. I feel.

Sure, being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com you can check out all of our podcasts and you can set up our mailing list. And you can also subscribe to the podcast because we do two podcasts a week and so easy. Then you'll just get them and then you'll listen to them and you'll never miss them. Right, Menace?

Right.

Hey, what's going on, Emily? How you doing? Oh, man, I am excited to talk to you because we ended the last podcast together on a cliffhanger. If you listen to the last maybe five seconds. She threw a boomerang at me.

Yeah, I'm sorry if that's a term. Yeah, I threw something to.

You threw a wrench in the conversation.

The conversation.

And then you said, I can't talk about it anymore.

Yeah, cuz I was. Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't. I should have given us more time that I am getting a dog again this weekend. This weekend?

What?

I'm going to San Francisco to get the dog.

We've been through this before.

We did, but it was okay. You're right.

Okay. How long did the last dog last?

Two years.

Two years. Which is a pretty good run for you. That's maybe. No, that's still not the longest relationship you've had. Two and a half years was the longest one.

Three years, two and a half.

Yeah, yeah. Now why do you think that you are able to take care.

Let's just talk about it. You're making me sound like I'm in.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not that.

This is.

What?

Because I got enough time. Because when I got Daisy in San Francisco, it was her. I'd never had a dog before and she was a puppy, a Jack Russell puppy, which if you know anything about dogs, they are crazy. So much energy and I am.

Farted on me once. Hey, dude.

Farted on you. I know you're so. This is the thing about you menace. Someone wrongs you once and you just write them off completely dead to me. My dog just farted on you once and you never ever would talk and said one nice word about her ever again. One of my boyfriends. You thought looked like used Carl seals. Now they all suck. He does. He had a pinky ring, dude.

Okay, so does that not scream use car salesman?

He didn't have pinky ring.

He had a pinky ring and a suit. He was definitely not a pimp. He definitely would sell me a vulva.

A vulva?

A Volvo.

Might say. He didn't know his way around the vulva, I'll tell you that. But that was a whole nother story. So this dog. So what happened was when I moved to San Francisco, when I moved from San Francisco, I had like the baby daddy in San Francisco. My ex boyfriend.

Yeah.

But I moved to la. It was just harder to manage and find a place with a dog. I didn't have a lot of money when I moved here three years ago. It was tough to manage her. And then this family that I know fell in love with her in Palm Springs. And they have Daisy now, but my friend Charlotte who works as a vet. You've met Charlotte.

At a shelter. I've been telling her I want a dog like Stanley. I want a dog like Stanley, who's Anderson's dog, who's like an older Jack Russell. And this dog looks like Stanley. His name's Pepe and he's about 6 years old and he looks exactly like. It's almost like I'm like single white female getting the same freaking dog as now.

Anderson's dog is very well behaved. Okay. Now this dog, Pepe, how much do you know about his behavior?

Well, we FaceTimed a few times and Charlotte is actually. Here's the picture. Charlotte's actually very cute dog. Thank you. Charlotte has been. He's been at the vet, the shelter for six months. And so she's gotten to witness the dog and everybody love like is so into the dog.

They're into the dog. But why would it be there for six months?

Because there's a lot of like little chihuahuas people just don't want. It's older. So that's what I'm doing again. I think I'm ready again. I would like a dog and I have more time. I'm moving. I'm gonna get a place in the yard.

Nice.

Dude. Everything's changing. Where have you been?

I gotta get a place to the yard. Okay. Then I can bring Chiro over and then we can have a doggy play date.

Can we do that?

As long as your dog is nice.

No. Apparently Chiro' you're going to understand this is that Charlotte said that. That he gets along with all the every kind of dogs and cats and he's super friendly.

Cool. Because Cheryl with other dogs, sewing with mine already.

That I know. Pepe.

So Pepe. All right, well, we'll give. We'll give it another try. Another.

Okay, perfect.

Never go another girl.

I know it's embarrassing the whole story like who gets rid of a dog? But it was like. It was a whole thing. But we have a very exciting guest here today. But first I wanted to we do a little sex in the news.

All right, go for it. A lot of stuff going on.

College bans energy drinks for contributing to high risk sexual activity.

Okay.

Are they doing this for alcohol? I'm not sure. Are they banning high risk?

I know they were banning four Locos on campuses because that was energy drinks and alcohol. And people just get crazy because they get drunk and then like super hyperactive, you know?

Right.

But I mean, what would be the difference of putting Red Bull and vodka together?

I mean, that's exactly probably what I mean. How do you ban an energy drink from college? They sell at the 7 11.

Yeah.

So Middlebury College.

They probably just won't sell them on campus anymore. That's probably what's going on.

You can like go to the Safeway outside campus. But they're banning on campus sales of energy drinks claiming they are linked to problematic behavior such as high risk sexual. Sexual activity.

Where Is this again Utah or something?

Vermont. Middlebury College.

I know nothing about Vermont.

The abuse of intoxic substances, reports NBC News. The ban takes effect on March 7th. Will apply to popular beverages like Red Bull 5 Hour Energy. According to the Campus Dining services, officials say that drinks don't encourage a healthy lifestyle for college students. Energy drink consumption facilitates unhealthy work habits such as prolonged periods of sleeplessness, contributing to campus culture stress and unsustainable study habits. They're more important things for them to address. And energy drinks, they want to know, like, what does it do with sexual activity? So I didn't think that. I thought if you mix it with like vodka. Right. But there are people having risky. They're saying they're having risky sexual activity on energy drinks.

Well, they're.

I don't drink energy drinks.

They're just not in their right mind.

I have risky sexual activity without energy drinks.

Yeah, of course.

But why would it make you. I mean, I get the caffeine part of it, but.

Well, it's just because they want to stay up and they want to party and they want to.

True.

Go do things.

That makes sense, but.

Sorry, I was looking up something right now because I actually, I. I haven't. I have. I was addicted to sugar free Red Bull. I. That was my jam. I loved it. But then I realized, okay, I gotta make a change. And I've never liked coffee in my entire life. But I found something called High Brew and it's like low calorie coffee drinks. And so I switched to that.

Where do you get it?

They even sell them in health food stores.

Hi Brew. H I. Hi Brew.

You can buy it on Amazon. But then some health food stores, they sell them.

It's lots of caffeine in it and stuff.

I mean, it works for me.

Yeah, that's good to know. I just. I quit caffeine for two months just for fun, and it wasn't fun. Yeah. So now I'm drinking it again.

I just need it for them for the morning.

When will you get up at 4am on the Woody Show?

3Am and get to work at 4am?

I know. You know what's weird? That I often go to bed at 3am and I see you like on Instagram at 3am and I want to just go call you and say, hi, what's going on? What's going on? Menace?

Just working.

But what is going on? Anything? We're gonna bring in our guests in a minute, but is there anything else I need to know about you?

Last time we Talked. We're just talking about festival seasons coming up. Everyone's gonna be having fun, you know, just please, people.

Just don't take ecstasy. It's not worth it. I just don't need another dead dead person at a festival. It just happens all the time because.

I haven't pure ecstasy anymore.

It's like it's. Yeah, it's just.

Just bad. And it does mess up your brain. It really does. People think it doesn't. Yeah, there's so many all the time.

It's like, smoke weed, eat edibles, do something like that. No one's dying off that stuff.

But it's just like every year you.

Hear about like this really young person that's super dehydrated that takes ecstasy and dies.

I know. Just smoke a little weed.

Just don't do it. Smoke weed, eat food.

I really do. I am considering going to Coachella.

Do it.

Do you think? I don't know. It seems like it's so crowded.

It is very crowded. Thousands of people go.

I like it though. I'm down with the music thing.

So that's the latest. And just, you know, I was planning a lot of trips throughout the year. The calendar is filling up.

I know you're so busy. I need to travel more. It's on the list. And moving and getting a dog.

When are we gonna hang out with your brother? I was just thinking about him the other day.

Why?

I was reading some news about Detroit and I know your brother's a big deal in Detroit and then I just started thinking about him and I was like, when is he gonna come by again? I miss that guy.

Oh, you. I don't know when he's coming, but my ex sister in law is coming with my three nieces at the end of the month. But that's not as.

Oh, really? What are they gonna do? How old are they?

Oh, my God.

I forget because they were like little kids last time I saw them.

Oh my God, they are 16.

Oh what?

14 and 7.

How are you gonna keep them busy?

Well, my sister in law is coming, so we're gonna. She's gonna keep them busy and I'm gonna entertain them. I don't know, I want them to go see like TV shows and tapings that are for kids.

Well, if you're coming to town, you have kids, you know. Of course I always recommend Disneyland.

Yeah.

And then there's something that's really cool that people should go to. Not a lot of people know about it is the WB tour at the WB studios. It's really cool. You get to walk on sets and go in the prop rooms and all kinds of stuff. So highly recommended it. Not a lot people know about it, but super fun.

That's good.

Yeah. You can. You can even go on the friend set and sit on the couch and take photos and all that kind of stuff.

Oh, my God, they love friends. Will you come with us, entertain them? You probably kids. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, my work's right there. I could probably do it.

I love it. Okay, well, let's say hello to our guest. Hi, Amy. Amy Jo Goddard here.

I'm sorry. I'm bored.

Amy Jo Goddard was on the show. I know. We're talking Disneyland. I don't know. Was Menace on the last. You were on, like four years ago in San Francisco. It was t. Radio V when we were doing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't get to do.

You weren't there.

No, because I. I was working for Stitcher at the time.

That's tough, right?

Yeah.

So I can radio V shows.

Okay. I can't go over there.

Got it. So we did a show in San Francisco. So that was. And then I just recently saw you at she. And congratulations on your new book.

Thank you.

Woman on Fire. Nine Elements to Wake up youp Erotic Energy, Personal Power, and Sexual Intelligence.

Is it not with Red Bull?

We were just talking about Red Bull, how they're banning it on college campuses and stuff.

Hopefully they won't ban my book on college campus.

Not. They need it on college campuses. Right.

So. And then last time you were on the show, also, you talked about your other book, which was. Is very popular, which I think that people love hearing. But this is Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men.

Yeah, it just came out in second edition.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's what I've always said.

This is why he always says this.

I haven't read the book, but is it just a guide for men because of. Because women know their own bodies. Of course. And they know how to deal with. With other women. So there it is. See, you get preaching it for years. That's why I don't get it.

Okay. When I teach classes, he's like, I don't understand why.

Okay. It's just like, look, and lesbians have to teach it. I'm like, no, I. I agree with you a thousand percent. I think that is awesome. It's just. Okay. Emily does job classes, and I bet they are effing amazing. But it's just like. I honestly would probably want to hear. I mean, I would love for you to have a gay guy Assistant who has a penis that would probably give a little more insight on giving.

Well, that's why I thought you'd be appreciate Amy Joe's last book.

Yeah.

Bringing up that. First let's cover. But first let's talk about yourself. Tell us a little bit about yourself, how you became interested in. Of human sexuality. People did not hear the podcast a few years ago. Tell me how you got into this field.

Yeah, I got into this field because like many people, I didn't have any information growing up about sex. And I went through a lot of really hard experiences. I talk about them in the book. You can read them there. You know, all the stuff unplanned pregnancies, pregnancy scares, sexual assault, you know, my whole sexual life starting non consensually, all that stuff.

So, you know, and I grew up with a dad who is a single parent of three, three daughters who's in the military. So there was just.

I'm sure he couldn't even be there most of the time.

Right.

There was no conversation about sex in my house. And so we moved a lot and I went to three different high schools. I never got one iota of sex education. Like my, my education was really kind of screwed up. You know, I read like the Scarlet Letter three times. But then there's books I never read, things like that.

Right. So then you thought, I'm gonna educate, I'm gonna go to school for it, I want to start studying.

Yeah. I mean, I came into my own sexual empowerment. Once I got the, the education that I had needed, I was like, wow, why did I have to wait this long?

Right.

And I was becoming a young feminist activist and actually I was doing radio and using radio platform for and becoming more and more politicized when I was in college and you know, fighting a lot of the same fights we're still fighting today, which is kind of crazy actually. We were doing a lot of work around reproductive health and justice. We were doing a lot of work about, you know, the problem with sexual assault on our campus. And then, you know, I knew that I really wanted to do work that would specifically empower women and girls. And then I finally kind of put that all together. Oh my God, I want to do sexuality work. How, how do I do that?

Right, right, exactly.

This was pre Internet. I couldn't just be like, oh, where do I go study that? Like, I went to a library. Do you remember that?

Yes, I do.

Of course they had to pull out.

One of those little cards, forgot where the book was.

My mom was a librarian. I Remember all that? I got an A in library. No, but it's weird. That's what we used to do.

Yeah.

Imagine that.

I know. Okay, so. Yeah.

Oh, I. Sorry. Before we get too deep into it, you. You mentioned that. So you have two sisters. Right? Now, the. The path that you've gone on is. Have they. You think they. Since they had a similar upbringing, they kind of went on the same path, or is it totally opposite?

No, I'm sort of the odd. You know, I'm. I'm the. You know, I'm the outside of the box one in the family.

One of my sisters is also.

I mean, I would call her queer. I don't know if she calls herself queer. I don't identify her that way. But, you know, we're more similar, I guess. And the other one is, like, living a more kind of traditional life. They both have two kids, and, you know, we've all kind of done well.

You say queer identifies queer, then, like, I feel like everyone's like, you know, how would you define the queer?

Yeah. I always say if you want to know what queer is, you know, you ask 10 different queers, you'll get 10 different answers.

I hadn't heard that in a while. I feel like everyone's more about, like, you know, saying that, you know, being more fluid or being more, you know, but it's queer. I just, coming from San Francisco, I feel like I don't hear that. I did hear that a lot, and now I feel like I don't hear queer as much as an identity. Yeah, I know it still exists. I'm just wondering how you define it.

Yeah, for me, it came out of being politicized. You know, I'm very politicized about sexuality. I didn't come to my own sexuality and also to my work and sexuality as just a profession. I came to it wanting to really shift something around gender politics and how we treat people's sexuality and, you know, human rights. So that's really my perspective. And, you know, a lot of young queers don't always, always know the history. I was laughing with a friend of mine, Tristan Taormina, who, you know recently because she said she heard at an event, she heard a young queer person say, No1Over40 identifies as queer. And it's just like, really? You all did not invent that.

Exactly.

Yeah. There was a group called Queer Nation that was very active when I was in college. And so I took on that identity shortly after that when I came out. It fit for me because it is broader and I Find, you know, I'm not offended if I'm called a lesbian or whatever, but that's not really accurate. Although I did publish that book. You know, most of my relationships are with women.

Most or most. Most are with women. Okay. Sometimes with men.

Yeah. Yeah. I have male lovers. But, you know, that's very. You know, even lesbian was a very political identity.

No, it's true. It's all now. It's like.

You never know.

Right.

But, yeah, it's about being outside of the box. It's about living outside of the box in a lot of different ways and making those kinds of choices.

But since, you know, you started pre Internet and now, I mean, it's. It's gone to the mainstream, what do you think still needs to be worked on? I mean, I'm sure there's a laundry list of things, but main.

Yeah, well, I mean, right now, Right. I mean, the Supreme Supreme Court is dealing with, you know, a case in Texas around abortion. I mean, we're still having this debate around abortion and women having control over their own bodies. I cannot believe we're still having this debate.

I know.

I can't believe we're still having the debate about sex education in schools. I mean, at least finally, finally, finally, President Obama got rid of all of that abstinence only funding last week.

Yeah, they do. With their final term, the final months. Yeah, I'll do this.

I mean, thank goodness, you know, I'm. Clinton signed that into to. I mean, we've been dealing with this for 20 years. Yeah. It's unbelievable. And. And we know that it actually has not helped young people at all. There's no evidence that it's helped. So. Yeah, I mean, I think we still have a long ways to go. I think at least we can talk about it a little bit more. But I think there's still a lot of factions wanting to control people based on their gender and their sexuality. And that, to me, is the work.

Yeah, it's true. It never ends. That's why we'll always be working here and have a job. But tell me about your new book, Women on Fire.

Right.

People always be listening and reading. Tell me about Women on Fire. So what influenced you to write this book and to focus on this particular topic in the book?

Yeah, most of my work is with women. I do work with men in some of my programs. Like, I'm, you know, I do a lot of work around sex and money. I work with a lot of men in that work. I did my first book for men. But my work has really focused on empowering women over the last five or six years. And so the book is about my own journey of sexual empowerment. It's about. There's a lot of client stories that are really rich in the book and that I think a lot of women will relate to.

And it's my model of sexual empowerment. So the nine elements are a way of breaking it down. It wasn't. It wasn't like this intellectual process, like, I'm gonna come up with nine things. You know, it didn't go that way.

It just sort of evolved that way. So talk about that. The core energy model of sexuality.

I think sexuality is. Is the core of our being. I think that. That we start from there, and we use that energy for everything we create in our lives. And I think we are here as creative beings. I think that's what we're meant to do. You're creating this podcast. You. You know, we all have creative endeavors in our lives. Things that, you know, we're creating families, we're creating communities, we create art and music. We use that energy for all of those things. So that's my worldview. And so then I think we get to direct that energy. We get to use it to connect, certainly sexually, but also in other ways and to create the intimacy that we want and in the ways in which we utilize that energy. Sometimes those things empower us, and sometimes they disempower us. So, you know, an identity is one of the pieces that is in that model. At some point, that part might be moot, but right now it's important.

So what are you hoping that people will get out of this model that you think they don't get from other sources?

I haven't seen anyone break sexual empowerment down.

In a way that is palatable for people. The first chapter of the book is called the Big Round Ball, and I call it the Big Round Ball because this woman said to me one day on the phone, who had been wanting to work with me for several years, and we were talking, and she was trying to make the decision of how she wanted to move forward. And she said, you know, I just feel like my sexuality is this big, round ball, and I don't know what to grab onto or how to get in. And I just thought, yeah, I think that's how a lot of people feel. They know they have work to do around it. They know they want more. But it feels so overwhelming because it's so complex. And so I started the book with that, and then I broke it down into those nine elements. So that There were lots of entry points for people. And those nine elements are the things that every client who has walked through my doors, we've dealt with. You know, their voice, how they show up emotionally, what do they need to release in order to, like, make space for who they really are. You know, desire, giving themselves permission, learning to play, really coming home to themselves. You know, all of those things. And, of course, fire.

Right.

You know, and so there's different ways we could break it down. And to me, that was the way that made sense when I looked organically at the work I had been doing.

Okay, and who do you think? Who is it targeted to? Like, who do you think would get the most out of. Out of the book? Everyone. Women. Who?

I mean, it's hard. You know, I wrote it for and about women, but I think a lot of people can get a lot out of it. I mean, a guy in London read the book and then called me up and said, please coach me. Please work with. You know, and so, you know, I don't sign a lot of private clients who are men, but he had read the book and got so much out of it that he should have.

Did you say in the book that most of us are, like, sexually broken?

I think most people think they are.

Think they are.

I don't say.

Okay.

I think they are for people who.

Feel they are sexually broken. So can you talk about that feeling you're sexually broken?

Yeah. I mean, I think that because sex is still so taboo and we aren't talking openly about it, we aren't getting real stories. I mean, we're getting. We're getting this glossy sexualized culture, but we're not necessarily getting, like, real stories. Unless we're listening to Sex with Emily or we're listening to, you know, so your listeners are more in the know. But I think, by and large, people really think that their problems are, like, unique to them.

Yeah. Everyone thinks no one else is, like. Right. That's what always.

They're in a lot of pain. I know people are in a lot of pain.

That's why it's great to have the conversation or to have books like that. People are like, oh, I'm not alone. Like, I. It's okay that I have low sexual desire. Because you talk about, like, low libidos and mismatched libidos. People just think they're the first ones it's happened to ever. They're like, oh, everyone else suffers from this, so making it more normalized and having information for them is very useful. So let's Talk a little bit about like low sexual desire because that's something that comes up a lot and I know you cover in your book as well and how prevalent it is in our culture. I mean I think that people are just like we get calls and emails and they don't know what the cause of it is and that there's something wrong with them and they don't talk about it. So how much do you care about it and how prevalent it is and how do you.

It's definitely issues around desire are the number one thing people come to me with.

And those there's that they don't.

No longer have the desire they had.

It can be that. It can be. I used to have it, it went away. What's wrong? I'm going through menopause. I think there's a problem. It could be.

You know, sometimes it's health issues that have gotten in the way or medications. You know, there's various things it can be. I've never really had it. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm and the rest of the world is having this experience that I'm not having. What's the matter? And then a lot of times there it comes up because there's a mismatch in relationships like you said.

Right. So how do you work with them.

On really depends what the orientation is. You know, I mean, part of it I think is accepting their own normalcy and looking and I always use that word in quotes.

Right. What is normal? Right.

What's normal? You know, usually I think when we don't, when we lack desire sexually, it can be multiple things. It can be, well, I don't have enough pleasure in the whole of my life. And so there's nothing that's actually, you know, fueling.

Right.

That sexual desire. There's nothing supporting that. Right. If you're hate your job, you don't like what you're doing. Every day you get up frustrated, you go to bed. You know, of course you're not going to have desire. I think sometimes it's also the way couples are approaching sex. You know, it's like if you're trying to have sex at 10 or 11 o' clock at night after you've put the kids to bed and you've done everything else and you're exhausted. Yeah. You're not going to feel a lot of desire. You're not going to feel very.

Exactly. And that's something that people also. They beat themselves up. Why don't I want at that time just have to be you know, compromising and negotiating, talking to your partner like, that's never gonna work for me. Menace, you probably. Menace wakes up at 3am every day. And I don't think that your girlfriend probably wakes up at 3:00am with you.

No, no.

You're not having morning sex at 3:00am no, no.

Her and the dog are out cold.

Right. So couples, this happens, you gotta, like, negotiate around it and make compromises. And it has to be part of your conversation.

Yeah.

Because people just don't know how to talk about it, as we know. And you also talk about healing from trauma and releasing sexual shame, because that's another big issue. I think men and women have a lot, obviously around shame and trauma. And it. They just, you know, like a lot of issues. We think we can just, you know, kind of sweep it under the rug and it'll go away, but it doesn't. Yeah, it only gets worse. Typically.

It only does.

Right. So how do you. What does it mean, do you think, to be sexually empowered and to help people through that? How do you work with them?

You know, in. I have a women's sexual empowerment program, and we address that really head on in the first weekend of that program. And a lot of, you know, what keeps shame in place is that we don't talk about it. We don't tell the stories. We're in that place of like, I'm so broken. Nobody else has gone through this. So a big part of it is bringing it out and saying, let's look at it. I mean, a lot of times when a prospect calls me up and I talk to them or one of my team members talks to them on the phone and they're telling us stories, they've never spoken before. They often haven't even told their partners because finally there's someone they feel like is going to listen to them without judgment. And so I really. That's such a big piece of what people need. And there's so much fear of being judged and so much fear that I'm going to be rejected. I think those are the two biggest fears people have around sexuality. So I think those two fears keep the shame in place because people stay.

Silent about it, and that's why they're not having great. The sex that they want, because they are so afraid of being judged. I mean, you just talk about fantasies, trauma fantasies, anything that you desire in bed. And we're so worried that we're gonna be judged because people do judge.

Yeah, it's true. And sometimes we've had those experiences of like, a partner Saying something kind of messed up to us or, you know, a friend saying what you're into, that, you know, I mean, a lot of the attitudes we get, I know it.

Only tastes like one person sometimes saying something really horrible to you sexually when you're young. Mm. Is that why you're suffering? That somebody's feeling bad too much? No. Just kidding. Okay, so we'll be right back. We're gonna continue with Amy Jo Goddard and her book. But first, I need to talk about the Vibratex Magic Wand. Rechargeable. By now, you all know me pretty well, and I love new experiences. But I also love my favorite things that I always come back to because I can trust them. And I can't think of a better example than the Magic Wand. If you've been listening, you might remember that I actually had a hole drilled into my nightstand. So my magic wand was always plugged in and ready when I needed it. That is commitment. And I thought it was pretty ingenious, actually. But now you don't need to destroy your furniture because the magic wand is unplugged. It's rechargeable. It has four intensity levels. Four intensity levels. Four great vibration patterns. And for 30 years, the magic wand has been just about everyone's go to massager. Has a perfect size, high quality construction and materials. It's no wonder the magic wand is considered the Cadillac of all vibrators. If you don't own one yet, don't even go another day of your life. Do you like it?

How could you not? Yeah.

Do you love it?

I'm so thrilled. There's so many new models that are kind of modeled after, you know, the original. I'm thrilled about it. And I love fiber text.

I know, I know. I love them too.

Yay.

Okay, so go to sex with emily.com, click on the Magic wand banner, and to order yours today because we love it. Okay, so what? Okay, so your book. Okay, Amy Jogarder. They can find you at amyjo goddard.com G O D D A R D. And this is all on my website as well, but AmyJo Goddard on Twitter and Facebook.com AmyJoegoddard coach. Okay, so. And then your book. We're talking about that. And I would love to just. Also, I know that this is the Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men.

You released an expanded second edition. So what is new in the book?

A bunch of things I'd like to know. Fun. It's like you often don't get the second chance, you know?

Congratulations.

Yeah. Thank you. The book has sold so well that when I went back to Penguin Random House with the new book, they were like, wait, what? We don't have an ebook of lesbian sex secrets for men. I'm like, yeah, what's wrong? So. So yeah, it was great. We got to actually get a much better cover for it because I always hated the first year.

Okay.

The COVID is fabulous.

And yeah, so I got to edit through and really update the language. I mean, it's 15 year old book.

Wow.

It came out in 2000, so I was a wee 29 year old at the time. So. Yeah. And then we added sections on things that weren't really happening. We had a lot of stuff about anal. Yeah. A lot of stuff about that.

And then that wasn't happening.

Not that it wasn't happening. Yeah, I mean, we had a chapter on anal, then we just added more to it and more stuff about technology and sex. And then one of my favorite sections, we added a couple. One, we, we added something on polyamory because that wasn't really in the conversation at the time. I was doing. Doing it, but it wasn't being talked about it in the same way. And then we added a section for guys who are dating bisexual women because we've talked to so many of them over the years and that can be a really big struggle.

Absolutely.

You know, God.

So what do you tell them? What's your advice?

You know they're gonna eventually leave you.

Yeah, it does.

It's.

It's tricky. You know, it's not an easy thing for a lot of people and. Because sometimes what it comes down to is a woman having to make the choice of choosing the relationship or choosing her sexuality, which is the choice a lot of people get in, whether they're bisexual or something else, because they might be in a sexless marriage where they're like, well, I could stay with you and be in the marriage with you, or I could choose my sexuality and go have the sex life I want to have.

Exactly.

You know, I talk to people who are in that struggle all the time. So, you know, I think it's really about communicating it, negotiating it, figuring out what's going to work for both of you and whether there is a win win. Sometimes that's something women really do need to explore.

Right.

And they're gonna, they're gonna eventually need to do it, whether they do it now or do it later. And so not having the conversation or addressing it just again, sweeps under the rug and then it becomes that elephant in the, in the living room at some Point exactly.

You gotta figure out what kind of life you want to live.

Yeah. I mean, but I think guys who are with who attract those kinds of women tend to be awesome guys. All the ones I've known, I'm like, yep, you're an awesome guy.

How would you describe that kind of guy? What's the similar traits?

I think that they tend to have a little bit of a better understanding of gender equity and what that looks like in a relationship.

And I personally think, well, better lovers. What I think, Well, I think bisexual men are definitely better lovers. I don't know about the men who partner with bisexual women.

Got it. But what are some of this. Can we just get into the sex tips real quick? So what are some of the most popular sex tips in the book? Or you think that were really that, like, a lesbian needs to tell guys this, like, about women's bodies? What would you think is a chapter something that keeps getting brought up to you, that people really enjoyed around the sex tips that you could share?

I think a big piece is really understanding the body and all the parts of the clitoris that never get talked about. I'm an anatomy geek. I love teaching anatomy. And every time I teach it, people are like, what? You know, I taught a class pleasure chest recently about this.

So what don't we know?

Well, you know, the clitoris, I think we learned to think of it as, like, it's that little button. If I push it just right, scream in ecstasy, you know, it's not like that. So it's got, you know, all the same parts, actually, that male genitalia have. They're just organized differently. And so there's two large erectile. They're called crura, or legs, that run underneath the labia. And so actually bringing a lot of blood flow, starting with a lot of blood flow into the entire vulva, brings a lot of that blood into all her erectile parts that are mostly inside. The only part you actually get to see see is the clitoral head. She's got a shaft, she's got the legs. There's all this spongy tissue, you know, and so also there's. There's spongy tissue on every side of the vagina. And so that's all erectile tissue. So even though a lot of women don't have orgasms through intercourse per se, a lot of their pleasure is derived from all of that area of tissue being stimulating.

People don't know. They don't know. Right. I love that you're talking. We talk about this too. That it's not just about that. Yeah, the labia. I mean, there's so much.

There's so much. And then. So when people really rush to intercourse, you're just, you're totally like bypassing. Basically, like bypassing the opportunity to really create a lot of pleasure for your partner because, you know. And then what ends up happening is women start to think, oh, sex hurts, or intercourse hurts. I want to avoid that because they've been with partners who aren't actually doing their due diligence, bringing that blood flow, getting the vagina ready to want it.

Right.

And so then they have a partner that starts avoiding intercourse and they're like, what's wrong?

I'm like, well, you weren't turned on. You would write for the. Right. Exactly.

Yeah.

Foreplay. Foreplay. Not a suggestion. Yelling at me because we talk about.

You're the representation.

There's a lot of pressure. Why don't I have a sensor. Some emails. That'd be Amy. Okay, we've got some emails from the people. Thank you for emailing me. Feedbackextwithemily.com I love hearing from you. It's awesome. And would you please also include your name, how old you are, how you listen, which is so awesome. And okay.

Here we go. Sexual guilt. Emily, I've been listening to your podcast recently and I've really connected with your show. It's incredibly informative and insightful. Recently, I've been struggling with somewhat of a weird issue that I haven't been able to get over. I experienced a lot of guilt after having sex. The sex ranges from long term relationships to one night stands. But every time I have sex, I feel this weird guilt bubble up inside me and I feel like I did something wrong. I'm 24. This has been going on since I was 17. I could really use some advice. Am I alone in feeling like this? What insights do you have on this? Thanks, Martin. So, Amy Jo, I thought you may be able to help me answer this question from Martin.

Yeah, great question. I think a lot of people feel that way.

The shame of the guilt.

Oh my God. People hold themselves back from so much pleasure and joy because of feeling guilty.

Right? How can we exactly. All the time?

I mean, Martin, I think guilt is, is a wasted. It's wasted energy.

It's such a waste.

I. I think guilt really does nothing for us but make it waste.

My mom always says with a wasted emotion. It's not even an emotion, though. She's like, it's a waste of time. Yeah, it is.

Truly.

Mm.

I I think, you know, I don't know what specifically. Did I miss it? Did he say anything specific of what he's feeling guilty about?

Just every time he has sex, ever since he was 17, he's felt guilt after.

It's just guilt.

Yeah, Yeah.

I mean, it makes me curious what happened when you were 17? Like.

Well, that's what I want to know. Exactly. I think that there might be some trauma or some issues.

Yeah. Or it could have been like my mom who said if you're gonna have sex, you're gonna get her pregnant from the first time, like just messing with your head, you know.

Yeah. And he's saying like every single time. It could be a relationship or one night stand. So I think there's going to be some work here trying to figure out what happened at that age.

Yeah. I mean, what was the genesis of that? What were. What's really the core? Like, what's underneath the guilt? Because it's really not about the guilt. It's about something happened that you never made peace with or gave yourself permission for.

Exactly.

I really want to encourage you to figure out that thing and then just. I think you have to give yourself permission. That's one of the elements in the book. It's like we need so much permission to just be who we are as sexual people and like what we like.

And there's no normal. Don't compare yourself. I know, Exactly. It's so true. And I would say. Yeah. I mean, and also this might not be something he give himself permission, but this might not be something that he could work out on his own. So I would say, you know, get some support. Support therapy, absolutely. Okay, we got another email. Hey, Emily, fellow Wolverine here. Hell yes. Hail. Yes, hail. Because hail to the Victors, my school 28 year old female and listen religiously on the itunes app. I appreciate everything you do to help make our society more sexually knowledgeable. And your co host advice has definitely educated me and improved my sex life.

Of course.

All that said, I have a dilemma I would love your guidance on. I recently started dating a guy, 29, who's absolutely incredible. We clicked almost immediately and learned quickly that we are very sexually compatible. I've never been so consistently aroused just thinking about a guy, let alone when we're actually together. My problem is when we became Facebook friends, I discovered that he still has several pictures of his ex girlfriend posted despite telling me that he had been single for quite some time. While this is somewhat of a red flag, my main concern is that she's incredibly beautiful girl Great body, gorgeous face. I'm no troglodyte or anything. I just have a lot of insecurities related to stretch marks from weight loss and scars from abuse. I also have the problem of being a unicorn who thoroughly enjoys getting turned on or enjoys getting turns on by having giving head. And I worry that perhaps he's settling for me as a reflection of what he actually wants, which is her, the ex. Is there any way to approach these insecurities without seeming like a crazy person? If there is a male present to weigh in, how aware are men of these flaws that women obsess about? I do my best to give off confidence when we're intimate, as I know this is the key to sexiness. But I can't help but wonder if he is constantly comparing me to what he had before. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated. You're so wonderful. Thanks again, Maddie. There's a lot here, lot going on.

Remember the days before pre Internet guys, this is just. She, she got all that from photographs on Facebook.

From an ex girlfriend, right?

Yes.

One picture, right.

All day. Made up a big, whole story, whole backstory. You know, I.

Do you think that men are that concerned? She's worried about the stretch mark. She's worried about.

I, I. And you know, when I speak, it's. I'm speaking for all men. It's no guys. Yeah. Think about that stuff at all. They don't care. They're just happy to be with you.

Happy to be there, happy to be with you.

They're happy to be having sex with you, happy to be receiving fellatio. You know, all this stuff is being made up in your head, all its insecurities. Like you should not. If he wanted to be with that person, he would go be with that person. Or he would be with somebody similar to whoever that right girl is in the six photographs. You know, it's like, yeah, it's worrying about it way too much. You need to be present in your relationship and you're, you're causing problems, causing issues.

I think she's sabotaging it. She was just way looking for something because these are already bubbling up below the surface.

Wait, how long they've been together?

I don't know.

Did it say, Are they three years into relationship and he still has recent. Okay.

I'll tell you this. I never even checked my Facebook messages. The thing is full. Like I'm not going back. I'm not going back into my photos. Deletes photos. I'm not. I'm like, I'm not even thinking about that at all.

Right. I mean, I think that she's just letting her insecurities get the best of her. And I don't think he was being dishonest.

Like I was gonna say, if you're three years into your relationship and yeah, maybe the photos are still up there, you might have a problem.

You know, this idea that, that we come into a new relationship and suddenly I have no past.

I have no such past.

And I've. There's. I've never.

I mean, I mean, that's my dream.

You have this hot guy who used to be with this other hot woman and now he's with you. Like, obviously you've got something going on.

You'Re going to mess it up. You're basically just throwing a grenade into your relationship.

Right.

I mean, he's a comparison game. Never get you anywhere. It's just, it's. We have to stop doing that. And women do this so much. I don't know if. Is it as bad for men? Women do it all the time and we're taught to compete as well. So I think, I think that's a part of it. But, you know, it's really something I work with women on in my sexual empowerment programs. Because you cannot be empowered and be tearing other women down or constantly comparing yourself and tearing yourself down. That is not an empowered place. And everyone has their own thing to offer. Why would you do this to yourself? He gets to have pictures of people. I'm not going to give up pictures of my past relationships that are. That are memories for me or people that were important in my life and might say, still be. There's nothing wrong with that.

And this is all based on her own interpretation of what happened. And you're right. I don't know why women.

Oh, sorry, no.

People always talk about how, especially being in la. I'm not saying this doesn't happen everywhere, but I remember. I don't know, but just because it's such a la is a different world in some ways about, like, looks and celebrity. But I. And I wasn't just brought up this way. Like, I'm not a. I'm really not a competitive person and I don't, I don't. Luckily, I. I mean, I always have other issues, but I'm not like a compare. I'm always like a. Let's all bring each other up, bring women up. But I do think that it comes up all the time here. People saying, are there. Do you find the women really catty here? And are they really Competitive. And I don't remember people asking me that in San Francisco. I just. I'm not saying that whatever happens everywhere, but I do think it's something that. I mean, if you can get women just to focus, you know, it's a confidence thing and get them to look at and celebrate themselves and. But it's just. I think it's just really hard because it's always in your face. Especially now with social media and Instagram and you're looking at everything, and it just. It's just not helping. Not that women and men haven't felt insecure since the beginning of time.

Yeah, like I was gonna say, I think guys would. Yeah, they. Some will stew over that, but they would get over it eventually. Within a few days, they're not gonna really bring it into the relationship, you know, because, again, I think at the end of the day, they're really happy just to be with you.

Yeah.

And again, I'm speaking for all men.

Right. Thank you. Whenever insecurity in a relationship comes up with clients that I'm working with, I always have them look at is the insecurity in yourself or is it in the relationship?

Right.

Because I think that's a very, very important distinction to make. Is he really doing anything that is giving you great pause and saying, wow, there's a problem here? It doesn't sound like from what she wrote, there is.

No, not at all.

And so then that's really. That's her work to do. You know, you've got to do your work on your own insecurity and not project that onto him. If you do, you will lose the relationship. Because that's not sexy.

Right? Not sexy at all.

It's really not.

You don't want to get mad and be nagging. Why do you have the picture? I mean, that is sabotaging it. So how would you work with her, for example?

I think to really look at. What is it bringing up in you? What. You know, I think you have to get underneath that. And I think it's about her own body insecurity and working on loving her body. And I mean. And I think there's also a piece where she's afraid to let herself actually have the pleasure that she's having. And I think that people run from pleasure. They feel like the last guy, you know, feeling guilty about pleasure. We feel guilty about feeling good. We are meant to feel good. Pleasure is a gift from spirit, from the universe, from God, you know, whatever you believe in, it is a gift. We are meant to feel that. I Know why would you put something in the way she talks about how she's so excited she's thinking of him. She. I mean, awesome.

It's our brains automatically like can't be too happy. You gotta bring this down, right?

Oh yeah.

How can I mess this up exactly?

You know, we do. We all have that saboteur inside of us, you know, So I would work with her on that saboteur.

And you also see people. So they should definitely get your book. Woman on Fire. And please get her book. It's gonna. And Amy Jo's book will also. It'd be on my website, but would you prefer them to go to amyjo goddard.com and buy it? Am. What do you.

Wherever you want to buy it.

Wherever books are available.

Wherever books are sold.

I love it. It really is a great book and it's so. It's so useful.

Support your local bookstore. That's really my favorite place for people to buy books. But it's available online.

I don't think they have bookstores in LA anymore.

Do they not? Are we done with that?

I think I saw one once.

Damn. I think it went out of business.

That one is still in Venice Beach. I love that one on the boardwalk. I always go in there.

Oh yeah, I know.

There's one in the Mission of San Francisco.

Yeah. I'm so sad. Libraries, bookstores.

What so sad. But thank you so much for being back on the show. Great having you. Amy Jo Goddard and everyone should check out your book and follow you on all your social media. AmyJo Goddard, is there anything else that we. Anything else you'd like to say?

Yeah, you know, I just did this video series that people loved. So if anyone wants to grab it, it's. It's an erotic evolution video series and there's. It's a three part, four part video series and they can download it on my. Or access it on my homepage.

Okay.

It's a great.

What does it teach?

I talk about how to really have more sexual self acceptance. Which both of the people who wrote.

Yes. Perfect. And those are just the two we read today. 100 in my inbox. Right.

So the first video is. Is a lot about that. Gosh. What else do I talk about? There's a bit about sexual shame. Looking at the cultural trap we get into and the ways in which we hold ourselves back sexually. And then. And then there's a whole piece on the sexual voice and really understanding the interplay of the inner and external sexual voice and how that either empowers or disempowers us. So some really good stuff in there.

Congratulations on all your success. You're helping a lot of people and doing great work.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me on. I always love coming to talk to you.

Emily, we got to come back. Thanks for being here, and thank you, Menace.

Thank you.

Thank you for being here and being the voice of all men. Right?

Oh, yeah. I speak for all men all the time.

You're gonna get hate mail now.

I don't just add it to the pile.

We don't get it as much anymore. Now they're like, it's menace.

You know what? My team and I are always. Every time we get hate mail, we got some crazy thing today. We're like, you know what? We're doing something right.

Exactly. You can't take it all. You can't take it all in. Right? But I like the love mail better, but it's cool. Thank you, Madison. Thank you, Nina over there. Internita, she's controlling the Snapchat because you can find us now. Ex with Emily on Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, it's all Sex with Emily. Facebook.com Sex with Emily, Friendster and YouTube channel. All this fun stuff. And menace is Ennis.

Ennis on Instagram.

And my dog Churro.

And my dog Churro.

Should I get my dog Pepe on Instagram?

If you want to get Pepe on Instagram, you should do it.

Can I. Can Pepe just join Churro on Instagram? It could be like my dog's Pepe intro, and then you could just take over.

But then I.

It could be fun.

But her Internet sex life's doing. That's what I want to know.

Oh, hell yeah.

How is Churro's ex life?

She's still young.

Oh, does she?

Yeah.

See, mine's a he.

I've always said.

I forget. I forget. I think all dogs are he's.

Now I'm offended.

Don't be offended. I do it all the time. Don't be offended. I don't offend you. The last show, I shocked you. Now I'm offending you.

Yeah.

Oh, geez. It's time to go then. Okay.

Managing relationships.

It's so hard. Okay, well, thanks, everyone, for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

Okay, everyone, thanks for listening to the show. Let me ask you a question. Are you getting enough? I bet you'd love a little bit more, right? Well, AdamandEve.com wants to give you more with 10 free gifts. First, you get a sexy surprise for her an especially selected toy for him and third, a little something we know you'll both enjoy. Plus you'll get six full length adult movies on DVD and number 10 free shipping on your entire order. Because who the hell wants pay for shipping? Nobody. To get your free gifts go to AdamAndEve.com select just one item you can get the Jimmy Jane hello Touch sexy pieces of lingerie. You can get a lube. You should always buy a high quality lubricant. We love Uber lube or Pure. They're all great. Just enter Emily at checkout get your 10 free gifts. Go to AdamandEve.com use code Emily at checkout and get 10 free gifts.

Let.

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