Are You Speaking My Love Language?

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. Check out our website, sexwithemily.com. we've got tons of information up there to help you have the sex you deserve. And all of our social media is sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys, enjoy the show and Merry Christmas. I was saying that I was out.

And a guy just came up to me at Erewhon and was like, hi. And I said, hi. And we just started talking and gave him my number. And I think we often forget because we're so distracted by our phones, and we just think it's weird almost, or creepy to say hi. But then just saying hi is a great way to meet someone. So David said, I went to Erewhon last night and I said hi to people.

What?

So I'm just saying. But you didn't meet anyone. No, but it worked. It wasn't intention. You gotta set the intention. I'm not saying you're all looking to meet someone, but if you are, set that intention. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you are believing in your mind that there's no one out there, there's no single people, no one likes me, I won't do the apps. There's people everywhere. And if we just go up and we just. Because there's no pickup lines, you don't have to be anything. You're not. Just say, hi, how's your day? Notice something happening in the environment? Yeah, like, oh, I've never knew Starbucks had chocolate muffins. Did you? And then you're waiting in line at Starbucks and you're like, no, but I like their egg sandwich. There's a conversation.

No one talks.

I like that. Yeah, I do that most easily at airport bars.

Yeah, because you're drinking anyway. How about bars?

No, but even right away? Well, no, but even just.

How about just bars?

Well, I don't really go out to bars by myself that much, but at the airport, that's where I hang out. Traveling alone.

No, it's great. And then, you know, I might never see you again. And if we end up having sex and I use protection, it's a good story.

You have really interesting conversations with people that are about to travel. I just think. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, well, this guy, he was like, all of a sudden talking about, like, how when people go to Mars, they're not gonna take all, like, the hip hop artists, like, Cardi B's not gonna be on Mars. And I was like, if Cardi B's not gonna be there, I'm not gonna be there.

Okay, but here's my problem. With that. If I'm at the airport, I'm so happy that I have a moment alone that I. I don't want that in my head about Cardi b. Cause I've got so many things that I gotta, like, figure out or breathe, and then I gotta have that on me and think about cardi b And talking to someone I'll never see again. I don't care. Then I don't get to choose what information is going into my brain. And then I'm all distracted. So to me, I get on the airplane. I, like, put my headphones on. I, like, don't look left, I don't look right. I'm always on the aisle. And I will not talk to you.

But some people like to do that at the grocery store. Whereas you like talking to people at the grocery store.

I don't love talking. I'm saying, say hi to people when you're out. But not at the airport.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm just saying. Difference. Some people, like, we're right.

That's all. Find your place and talk to people. You're right. Airplane's not. But maybe. Maybe I'm missing some guy next to me. That could be. Maybe I'm shutting myself off too much. Maybe I should flip the switch. You know, Say, like, I think I could use. I should, like, wear makeup and get all dressed up for the airplane. For the airport. You are. Could be next to someone hot for six hours. Okay. Anyway.

So last night after the show, after the amazing show, I had dinner with a friend and haven't seen him in a while. He's married. He has two young kids. They've probably been married for, like, 10 years. We were talking, talking, and he just looked at me and he's like, but is anyone really happy in marriages? And I'm like, yeah, I think some people are happy. Not everyone's miserable, but. Okay. But is anyone still having sex, like, who has sex all the time? I'm like, I hear what you're saying. Because a lot of people have that view that no one's happy. Marriages all fall apart. And I think many couples struggle, obviously, with their sex life, with their relationship, with dating, with love.

Yeah.

Cause I'm happy. Yeah, I know.

And I'm married.

You're the outlier. No, you are happy.

I am happy. I'm very happy. And do we have sex all the time? I have to say, listening to your show helped me make sure I had sex more. Cause I did put it off. Cause you would say, like, don't Think of it as a chore. And I was like, crap, I do that.

Oh, that's right. That one night you had a light bulb. You're like, oh, chore, chore. It's a chore.

And I totally did. And I totally did think that. And it's like, but when you're in the mood, you're gonna have fun. I was like, that's so true. And then I was like, you know, I am gonna give my husband more blowjobs. Cause it' something that I usually would do. And so it so has helped.

Yeah.

Because I didn't. I wasn't doing that.

And you just were like, kind of.

I was like, it's a job.

I already have a job, buddy.

Once a week's fine.

Right?

He's lucky. And then I.

But now what have you upped your blowjob count to?

Oh, definitely. Every single time. Every and longer. Because I used to do, like, okay.

The old in and out. Let's go tweak the balls.

Yeah, Right? Yeah. Now I'm actually, like, sucking his balls. And actually I'm like, okay, I'm gonna do. And it is enjoyable. I do like it. So I was like, you know, I just need to stop being in a negative way about this.

Right, Good. So that was a little switch. And you were already happy when we met you A month ago, Two months ago. Three months. How long? I have no sense of time. Three months.

Three months.

Yeah, Last week. Because life goes by so fast.

Right. Is time anyway.

Right.

I love this. So you've already had the. Steve, our producer in New York, said that same thing. After working on the show, he started to make improvements. So that's awesome. And I want to know from you, actually, if you're in a happy place, where would you actually. If you don't need any improvements on your sex life at all, call me. But also, if you're, like, listening to this going, you know what? We're happy, but we're not having great sex, or we've been stuck in this certain place? Call me. 888. 94 stars or triple 894-78277.

What about, like, those couples that, like, are just convinced, like, convinced that they're completely happy, there's no room for improvement. But they're also not having sex, but they're, like, completely fine with that.

I rarely find a couple like that. In fact, if you are a couple and you guys have both decided.

To consciously.

Un. Sex, I was trying to think of, like, conscious uncoupling. Like, you decide to Consciously stop sexual relations with each other and everything's great and nobody's like sleeping with someone else or getting it elsewhere or, you know, you're just fine with it. And every. You don't even miss it. You're both great and you're not like you're in an age. Let's. Okay. Call me any. Adrian, it's fine. Call me with anything. 888-947-8277. But with that, if you. Yeah, you're both happy, it's great. Or you decided. No, don't think about it. We gave that up. You know, spring of 2016 and we haven't looked back. There's been no sex, no penetration and things are great. Call me 888-947-8277.

Well, but I will bet though that if that couple is out there and they're calling and they're saying that and they're not having sex, interesting that they're listening to the show about sex. Uh huh.

You know what's funny though? Like, you're right, it's a good point. But there's so many people who evade that. They're like, I love it because for our podcast we have a thing that when you send a question and you guys can do this as well. Feedbackexwithemily.com There's a field that says field era. It says, how did you hear the show? It's like Sirius xm. You know, I heard about during a podcast and people are like just googling, you know, just looking for podcasts. Like. Or I was just kind of flipping the dial. Like we weren't searching for anything. Not everybody.

Some people literally like, oh, it's flipping through channels. They literally write that instead of just like, oh, SiriusXM. Well, they could be.

No, in Sirius, I believe they were flipping through channels. But the podcast is when they would be like, they'd be like, well, I was stumbled upon. I stumbled upon it. Like how did you stumble upon it?

It fell into my lap.

Yeah, you were looking for something sexual. It's true. You guys. Um, yeah. How did they find it? So if you are. And also. Yeah. What does it mean to be in a happy relationship?

Yeah, I mean, I guess it takes, it does take like each other to work on it. It's not just one sided. So I do see that too. So some people probably feel, or maybe they don't, that everything's fine. But maybe have they asked and this is what I ended up doing. I was like, I'm gonna ask him how he, how he Feels and if it is enough.

And you guys have been together how long?

11 years.

11 years. So in the last few months.

Yeah. You said, hey, I. I decided I was going to reflect on myself because I. I've done this through after having therapy and everything. And I was like, you know what? I should still keep reflecting on my marriage and making sure things are better. Because ever since Nick got sober, I was like, oh, things have been so much better. And I'm like, you know, I. I set my boundaries with him and everything that I went through with Al Anon and now, like, finding out. But wait, I'm still not thinking of our marriage. That's what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking, like, together, because, you know, even with Alan, I was like, you know, you need to focus on yourself, make sure you're happy with things in yourself. And so I was doing that. But I wasn't also thinking, how do I make sure?

Because the marriage, the relationship is a separate unit. That's like the other part of the triangle. There. There's like the both of you independent, you and Nick, and then there's the how do I. It's like you both got to give energy towards that. And typically in relationships, there's one person that is trying to make an effort and another person just has, doesn't. They don't really. They haven't really gotten the memo yet that relationships are work or they've decided just not to. You know, I choose that my work is more important or whatever it is. But so then you decided to like to say, hey, let's talk about it more.

Yeah, because I realized that he actually was putting in effort, but I wasn't putting effort.

Wow.

And then I.

What did that look like? Give me an example of him making an effort.

Well, so he would. He always makes sure to take me to dinners when he. When I am interested, or he'll, like, give me little massages or, you know, he'll bring home flowers randomly. And so it's like these little things. And I was just feeling like, oh, thank you, thank you. You know, But I'm also. Words of affirmation.

Right?

So it's like saying like, well, I like when you tell me, like, oh, you know, asking me about my day and those kind of things, and those were the things. Then when we were talking about, it's like, yeah, gifts are nice. I do like gifts. But it's like, no, I love hearing things.

So you weren't feel. So you weren't being inspired. You were kind of feeling not as loved by him.

Right.

Love languages.

Wow. So it helped a lot in that sense. And then having the conversation, like, what. What can I do to help understand you? Because I wanted it to. I started out with me first to be like, okay, this is what you know, I like. But what can I do for you? Because it's so hard to get things out of him. Like, it's like pulling teeth.

Okay.

And. And it could be some of his PTSD from military. Whatever. I'm not gonna psychoanalyze him. But regardless, it's like, not in the first segment, but still. That's what I realized. I was like, okay, I do need to actually see what he needs to.

Okay. And then he shared with you what he needed. And so speaking of love, love languages, I think that's such a great entree for so many couples. Like, the first step is like, oh, it's so you can kind of figure it out. His is his gifts because he was giving you gifts. You know what?

I have never done love language for him.

Send it now, dude. Well, not now, but in two minutes.

I will.

I will. Great.

I love this, but to me, it sounds like it might be gifts if he kept. Or it's probably acts of service because he kept doing nice things for you.

I knew it's acts of service.

Yeah. But the wor thing is an interesting one because I've been through that as well. When my partner wasn't. You know, we need to hear the words. Like, he could. Kept doing all the other things for me. Fixing my car, helping me buy a car, which was acts of service, and helping me with. With gifts. But he wasn't telling me how hot I was and how much he loved me, how proud he was, or whatever I needed to hear. You just are amazing and smart and funny. Have I told you how funny and nice you. All the time.

Yeah.

So you just got. Just others that just weren't talking.

Yeah.

It's important so you can get all your needs met. Just know how to talk about it.

Do you think that there's any specific love languages that are harder to try to do for your partner if it's not inherent to you? Yeah, because I feel like for me, like, I. Like, I love physical touch, but I feel like that'd be really hard if that wasn't someone's love language. It'd be really hard to remember to do that.

That's the hardest, I believe. Out of the five. Does everyone know the love languages too? We're just kind of going off on this. But words of affirmation. So there's usually there's five, but I want to get back to this one because that's the hardest one. Should we take a break and explain? When we come back, I'll explain. So five love, five love languages. Typically, there's five ways we experience love. There's five that we could. And when I explain this to you, think which one feels the realest to you. Like, oh, yeah. So let's say your partner comes home and they buy you a gift. They were walking down the store and they're like, I thought that these shoes, one time, you thought they were beautiful, and I bought them for you. Does that make you feel really loved by your partner? You know, your car got a flat tire, and when you woke up in the morning, your partner went out and they. They fixed the tire before you woke up. And you're like, wow. They took care of the. You know, they took care. Acts of service. They did something around the house that made you feel good. And then there's the words. Babe, you're doing a great job. I appreciate you. I love you, everything that you're doing. And then there's physical touch. You know, you want to be cuddling and touching and kissing. And you want a lot. Like, when you're out, you're holding hands. When you're on the couch watching Netflix, you're like, touching. It's important to you. And then we've got quality time, which is. That's a tough one, too, if you have no time. Like, I don't ever have time. But you want your set night, Saturday night. That's your date night. You know, there's no cell phones, and it's usually a long date or maybe it's a whole day that you want together. There's no interruptions, prioritizing time. And then acts of service. Gifts. Gifts. We get them all.

Yeah, five.

Those are all the five love languages. Take the quiz. We'll put it in the show notes@sexwithemily.com. okay, we are going to take a very quick break, and when we come back, we're going to get into your calls.

We have Alex, 39, of Pennsylvania, who wants to know what his love language is.

Oh, Alex. Hi, Alex.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

What do you think it is? Did you hear me go through them?

I did, but now I'm confused because now I would like to. Because I have. I don't know if I can ask a question.

Ask anything. Literally, you can ask anything. But let me just reset for people. We are talk. I do want to know if you. If the love languages have helped you. If you have questions, you can call me. But of course, call me with anything. Triple 894-782-7777. Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, Alex, So I went. I was doing this relationship and we got to the point that you were talking about before, like, sex wasn't good or not existing. And then that end up, everything went to.

To zero. So it was so bad that I didn't know what she wants.

Right. Okay.

She didn't know what I want because it was no communication.

Right. People don't communicate. Okay, so where are you at now? Now you're trying to figure out your love language or is this.

Yeah, I would like to know if I was wrong or what happened because I never knew.

Oh, wait, you never. Oh, because you didn't know what hers were to give to her in the relationship?

No, no, because we were together for a while.

Okay.

But after. After a point of. In time, then I like, I don't know, things stop working.

Okay, wait, Alex, so you want to know your love language? Which one of those spoke to you? Like, what felt you like? I wish my partner, you know, I would.

I like to her to show, like you said, if she stop and get like a gift or a car or a gift or something.

Like me, it's could be gifts or it could be acts of service. Like, you want her to like, think about something that's important to you. Like, you know. Yeah. Like help around the house or like fix things for you or help you, you know, reach a goal that's important to you. So anyway, that it could be acts of service. So if your partner is doing nothing like that, she just keeps telling you you're great, she keeps buying you gifts. Might be her love language, might be gifts. But you're like, I just want you to, you know, help me, you know, figure out my life or whatever. Help me with my job, help me with my company, help me my office, help me around the house, you know, so that's.

She doesn't like it.

Well, here's the thing. Okay, so this is where we're getting to. Here's the point of the love languages. Here's the kicker. It's not so easy. Like, oh, because typically we have one primary and then there's a second one and the other three, take them or leave them. That's typically how the love languages go down. Well. Well, what happens is how we. So I'm like, words of touch, words of affirmation and physical touch. Now let's say my partner is gifts and quality time. Well, he's going to keep giving me gifts and spending time with me, and I'd be like, I don't care about that. You haven't told me how great I am. So we typically love the way we want to receive it, meaning that we just keep missing it with our partner. We're like, but I'm doing all these things. I'm buying gifts, and I'm touching her life.

So what if I was? Then. Then showing that part that you think, and then I noticed anything. Never, ever.

Well, because you never talked about it. So now in your next relationship, you can take the love language quiz. Go to sex with emily.com, click on the show notes, and we have a quiz there. And you take that, and then call me back with your question after you take it, Alex, then we can sort this out. Thank you for calling. Appreciate it.

It's hard.

I mean, like, it takes three seconds. Yeah, it's it to me. For many couples, I have a lot of different modalities that I work with, different questions to ask, and, you know, different kind of philosophies and therapies that could work. But just a basic one to start. If you're having a lot of resentments in your home, a lot of tension, you can't quite figure you're. You're feeling. Maybe you're resentful of your partner, Maybe you're feeling rejected, and you can't figure out why, sometimes it's a great place to start, is just take the quiz. I feel like Cosmo, take the quiz. But it's actually a really frigging good one.

Yeah, it's not like you like. And then it's like, you know, it's.

A good starting point.

And it's like, see, I was so funny. I was out at the bar, like, with my friends, like, a couple months ago, and I had them all take it when we were just out at the bar. They're like, what? And I was like, you're all in relationships. Just go do it. I'm the only single one, and I'm the only one that knows mine. I just thought it was weird.

No, it's true. That's why I have to explain it. I was at a party, and there was. I'd never met anyone at the party. It was like 10 people, and it was all couples. But I started explaining it, and you could tell the two of them. It was, sometimes I'm a good party trick. Like, I'm like, everyone take the quiz. Like, Emily's here.

Woo.

Dildos for you, and I'm, like, throwing lit lube samples. But for them, you could tell it was, like, it struck a nerve. Cause she wanted the words. And you could just tell, like, he's like, well, she never touches me.

I'm like, oh, God. All right, we have Jeff, 36, in Canada, who wants to ask about love languages.

Okay. Hey, Jeff, thanks for calling.

How's it going?

Great. How can I help?

Good. I'm just calling about your love languages thing. I'm a bit confused, and I've only just turned your show on. First time I've ever heard.

Welcome.

But, yeah, thank you. So, like, in my opinion, in my experience, I was under the assumption that if a person is intelligent and they love you, they do all of those things, wouldn't they? Because, like, maybe they're not handy, but they might. They say, oh, I'm taking the car for a drive. I got to go do something at work. And then they surprise you by getting it cleaned out or something.

Right.

And why wouldn't they rub your. Like, why wouldn't they rub your back at night also and tell you how much they love you? Why would it. And wouldn't a relationship kind of be lacking if they just did one or two of those things and left the others out?

Well, absolutely. And here's the thing, Jeff, is that we do all of those things in a relationship. I mean, I think, you know, there might be. Even if it's like, once a year, you buy your partner, like, the most fabulous birthday gift. Right. Or twice a year, like the holidays and a birthday. But. But if that's her love language is gifts. She wants gifts all the time. She wants you to bring home her favorite. Her favorite dessert that you saw. She wants you to pick up something special that you saw. She wants them all the time. But some people don't get it filled.

Like, a gift doesn't have to be.

Yeah.

What I'm saying is, my point is it's the quantity. But sometimes we. We are lacking. So you're right. Are you in a relationship?

Yeah. And that's the thing, is I surprise her with stuff all the time. And then at nighttime, I mean, I'm a big baby. I'm 36. But at nighttime, I love my rub that helps me go to sleep, and I rub hers first. She rubs mine. Well, my point, I guess, is just like when they say 50% of marriages fail, I kind of wonder, like, is this why? Because there's. There needs to be shows, and I'm actually enjoying your show.

Oh, I'M so glad this is why. Yes, Jeff, you are the outlet. I'm so glad that you and your wife are fulfilling each other's love languages in all these places. But I'm telling you, a lot of marriages are in trouble. There is a. There is a crisis. People aren't getting married, and they're not having sex, and they never talk about it. Jeff, so welcome to the show. So I've been doing a podcast on this for 15 years. Yeah, people call in. So most people. Many people are challenged around communication around sex. They've been with their partners sometimes for 20 years, Jeff, and they've never talked about their sex life, not once.

So it's basically just a business relationship, not love.

Yeah, essentially there's not love. Yeah, sometimes. Well, sometimes it becomes that way, but usually. The thing is, Jeff, they wish. Sometimes they wish they were having sex, or one of them wants more sex than the other one, and then it gets messy, and then they. They don't know how to talk about it. So keep listening, Jeff. I guess, you know, so.

Oh, I definitely will. I definitely will. And I wish everybody out there the best. But, I mean, if you're in love, it should come naturally to want to rub somebody's back or tell them.

No, Jeff, I get it. Keep listening. You're right. And some people don't want to be touched, though. Jeff, thanks for calling. I gotta get back to the Love Languages. I see all your calls coming in. I just wanted to welcome him. Like, I wish I could.

No, that was great.

I wish I could give him a toy or something right now. I wish I could be like, nom nom. Here's a sticker. But, like. But you know what I'm saying? Because it's just. It's amazing that he's so happy, you know, that he's like, it. Doesn't everybody do that? But he just started listening. We're gonna. There's something. I'm sure every couple's got something to work on, I think, and Love Languages can be a good place to start. But you can call me with any of your questions at all. Anything at all. Triple 894-782-77.

Bill, 50 in California, wants to know how he can find out his wife's love languages.

Hey, Bill.

Hi.

Hi. Thanks for calling.

Thank you for being on the show.

It's, like, right up my alley right now. I've been married 16 years, and my wife over the last few months is. Well, she transformed herself, you know, she lost a lot of weight. She's been an Avid runner, which is great. She looks fantastic. I can't keep my hands off her. But she won't let me touch her anymore. And she's withdrawn herself completely, and I brought her flowers. Recently, our sex life has gone down to nothing. I tell her I love her, that I miss her, and I just want her attention.

And what does she say, Bill, when you say that? What does she say?

She just kind of says that, you know. Well, we moved. We moved out, down to Southern California. My job didn't pan out as great as it should have, but, you know. But I'm still working really hard. And she went back to school, and our schedules are hectic, but she makes all the time in the world for her private time and her running time, but she doesn't make up any time for me and the kids. And I'm taking the kids to and from and.

Yeah. Have you talked to us? Yeah. So, Bill, it sounds like you guys are. I mean, 16 years. It sounds like there's been probably a lot of things going on. Some train, some changes, some transitions, you know, moving. And she has a whole overall body transformation, mind, body, diet, health, like that. That's gonna have an impact on your relationship. So it sounds like you guys, really. It'd be great for you guys to talk it through. I mean, and ask her to let her know what you. Ask her what she needs from you. Because it's not okay for her to just opt out. Like, I'm not gonna talk to you about our relationship. I'm not gonna have sex with you anymore. I'm not. I'm not. You know, I'm just about, like, she ha. In relationships, you have to come together. So maybe you guys need therapy.

Yeah.

I mean, I literally, like, get up at 5 in the morning.

I know you're doing everything. You're doing everything, but she's not. So what do you need, Bill? All I'm hearing is what you're doing. But, Bill, what do you need from her?

I would like her to tell me that she loved me. And I would like her to come up to me and give me a kiss good night.

Yeah. You want words of affirmation and you want some touch. So have you ever let her know that that's important to you, Bill?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You said, you know how I feel so loved by you is when you, you know, you. You tell me. You think you know, you say thank you or you appreciate me. Tell me I'm a great. I am. And what does she say? I can't do that. I'm Muted.

She just says, I don't feel it. I don't feel it right now.

Okay, so it sounds like, you know.

I feel like the other day she rubbed my. My head, rubbed my hair. And I. I was at work and I sent her a text and I just said that meant the world to me just to hold you for a couple minutes in the morning. And, And.

And, you know, it made me feel safe and loved, you know, and didn't really get anything after that.

Yeah. Hmm.

Yeah.

Bill, it sounds like she's really. She's going through something right now, and she's changed her life in many ways. And so couples. This happens with couples when you are, you know, growing in different directions. So I feel like therapy would be the best thing for you guys. It would, it would. In just a month, if you went every week for an hour, for a month to a really good marriage, family therapist, you would. You would be able to understand exactly where you're both at and take this to. To another level, because right now you guys are stuck. And there's a. You could say it's the kids or we moved or her diet or she lost all the weight, but we don't know. It sounds like someone helped you. Someone to help you guys get some really strong, healthy communication would make a world of difference. And it's the fastest way to do it. Okay, Bill, I already. I can tell. Yeah, of course. Thanks for calling, Bill. You guys, listen. Therapy is good for every relationship. Every relationship. And if you're at a place where six you've been with your partner for a long time and you're just hit a crossroads, it's okay to go in for a tune up. Yeah, like go in. It's like, it literally, you will find out. You just. You're not failures. You're not. Nothing's terrible about you guys. It doesn't mean you're getting a divor. It means that you're actually gonna learn new tools that you've never learned. No one's taught you. Nobody knows these tools unless they seek them out. They try to learn how to be good communicators, but we're not. I used to think if you like, I was like, I'm a great communicator. Cause I talk a lot. That is not communication. Okay? So we have to learn it. You know, we have to. It's a skill. So I think that therapy, you go in and you realize, okay, they teach you a new way to communicate. They can pick out, like, what I'm doing for you guys, but I only have, like, a few minutes with you every night. But if you go to someone, they'll help you guys develop a new language, so then you'll actually know what the next step should be. That's what it is.

Julie, 52 in Washington, who wants to share that sex is essential for a happy marriage.

Right, Julie? You're so right.

Hey.

Hi, Dr. Emily. How are you? I'm so good. It's essential.

Thank you for your show. It is so important for people to hear about sex in a healthy way.

Yes, thank you, Julie. I love what I do. Thank you for listening.

Yeah, thank you. Well, I was just calling to let you know you started out saying, you know.

Yes.

Are you married and happy?

Yes. Are you the one?

I've been married for 20. Yeah, I've been married for 29 years, so.

Okay.

We're extremely happy. And to give that gentleman before you just a little bit encouragement. Relationships ebb and flow, especially being married for that long. So sounds like he's doing the right things, and I agree with you. Therapy would probably help them a lot.

Did you have therapy, Julie, in the 29 years, did you have. Have you guys had therapy?

We did. We have. We have gone one time.

Okay, great.

Throughout those 29 years.

And it was helpful.

He.

Yes, it was very helpful.

Great. Okay. Okay, so tell me, so you think. Yes. Having great sex to 29 years.

We are. We actually have our whole marriage, so we've been very, very blessed as far as sex goes. Sex is about intimacy. So even when you're really angry at someone, you can have angry sex, and it's good.

Right.

Just have the sex.

I just don't think.

Yeah.

Sex isn't a tool to. To withhold intimacy. Sex is a tool to gain intimacy.

Absolutely.

You know, I just think that it's essential for a part of every part of the relationship. I really, honestly, I don't think in 29 years of marriage, I can only think of maybe a handful of times that, you know, I said, I. I don't want to have sex right now.

Wow. So what do you think that is, Julie, you said you always had great chemistry from the beginning. For 20, you met, and the sex was just explosive, Connected, or has it gotten better over the years?

Yeah, we've had. Yeah, we've been very blessed about that. Well, when you're young, I mean, how can you not have good sex?

Yeah.

I don't know. And then once the kids come, you just have to be creative. There's the bathroom, the trailer, the, you know, closet, you know, have some fun.

Julie, you're my hero.

Get older and the kids move out. Yeah. As the kids move out, you be like, woohoo. It's free reign in your household.

Yes. Julie, I love this. Seriously, this is such an inspiration because I think you make it fun. You and your partner, you've had ups and downs, you've been to therapy, but you've always prioritized your sex life. Even when you had kids, you were like, let's have it in the trailer. Like, right. You would just. You make you priority. You've always prioritized your sex life.

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And like I said, it's about intimacy. Even if I didn't feel close to him in other ways, sex always can kind of bring you together.

Yeah, it does. It's that point.

So.

People try to, like, use it as a tool to not be close to someone. And I think that it's the tool that will continue to bring you closer.

Absolutely, you're right. Thank you. Yeah. Some people are like, I'm not having sex with you until you do this thing around the house. You're like, the sex should not be used as, like, the bargaining tool, you know, for your problems in your relationship. You have to have. You can't opt out. You can't use it that way. A weapon. People are like, sex.

Exactly, Exactly. Also, I will tell you, this is from. This is woman to woman. Blow jobs, ladies, Your man will love you forever and adore you forever. Just, you know, enjoy it. Do it.

Just do it. Get into it. Love it.

Absolutely. Figure out how you like it. I mean, you know, because my husband. I have to tell you, my husband tells me every day. He tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful and I'm just average. So I. I have to tell you that. Just enjoy it, you guys.

This is.

This is life. You only have one life between now and dead. What do you want your life to look like? What do you want your relationships to be like and enjoy them? My husband's my best friend, Julie.

You're amazing, Julie. We'll do a segment with Julie. Happiness with Julie. Okay, thank you, Julie, for calling in. You're a bright light. I love her spirit.

She was amazing.

I know. I love her. I love her spirit, her energy, you guys. It's true. Prioritize. This is your one life. Learn to love giving a blowjob. Learn to love going down in your partner. That's what she's saying.

If you guys like this show, Love the show. You found it helpful even once. If it's your first time listening or you've been listening for years. Please rate us wherever you listen. It's super helpful. You can do it right now. Five stars. You can do that or just subscribe. Rate us. Leave us a review on itunes. That helps. That really does. I'm just rating us there. All of it helps. If there's any topics you want to hear more about in the new year, email me feedbackexwithemily.com and finally, you should totally sign up for our newsletter. Just go to the website, there is a pop up or there's a link to find it. Do that because we don't spam you, we just delight you. Okay guys, happy holiday season and thanks to my amazing team for another incredible year. Ken, Kristin, Elisa, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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