Ask Emily: Oral, Orgasms & Anal

No one is perfect at sex. The only time we see sex that is so called perfect is like in porn or the movies. But real sex can be funny and fun, and to me, that's even hotter. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. First comes love, then comes anal. Then. Is that how the sound goes? Well, on today's best of show, we're talking your sexual first, your first dating app, oral sex experience, anal play, and so much more. I help you face your fears so you can radically expand your pleasure potential. Up first, she's 32 weeks pregnant and wants to keep her partner satisfied. But she's never given him oral. Where to begin? He wants his partner to experience sex with another woman so they can have their first threesome. But is she truly into the idea or just going along with it to please him? And last but not least, she's got a play partner who wants to try anal, but she has her reservations regarding pain and hygiene, which are common concerns. So how do you avoid a messy situation? Well, we're going to unravel this and so much more in this episode. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what would you like to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to help you understand that no one is born a sex expert. And the secret to have an amazing experience is the same as it is with any sexual encounter. Patience, communication, and an open mind. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, 7 Ways to Use a magic wand, is up at sex with emily.com magic wand. That's M a G I C W a N D. And speaking of magic wand. Love, love, love the magic wand. Oh, gosh. Have you guys tried the magic wand? I mean, you probably have heard of it. It's been around for over 50 years. It was released in 1968. It's sort of a cultural icon, truly. And Time magazine named it one of the most influential gadgets of this century. So I got this article up because it's super inspirational for you to think about, like, how else could I use a magic wand or just remind you that, well, you'd probably really like to have a magic wand. And they have few different models right now. I'm obsessed with their new one, the Mini. The Magic Wand Mini. And it's smaller but it's super mighty. It's just a shorter, narrower version of the Magic Wand, rechargeable and really aside from the side and updated logo and buttons, it's nearly identical and I use it with partnered sex on my own. It is my go to vibe so check out more about that sexemily.com magic wand. Also check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Before we get started, I just wanted to remind you all that this is a best of episode that may include outdated language like references to gender. I started using the terms penis owner and vulva owner in around 2020 in order to be more inclusive of all gender identities and expressions. We're always learning and growing here at Sex With Emily and can only continue to do so with your continued feedback. So thank you. We got so many emails from you and questions all the time saying how do I have this conversation. How do I ask for what I want? How do we try kinkier play? But I want to just remind you why it might be hard for you to do things outside your comfort zone. We get comfortable in life. We're not going to get hurt here. No one's going to reject us. You know, we're going to be sort of following the status quo, and it's fine, right? Nothing's wrong with it. But for so many of us, life just feels the same all the time. Everything just becomes a little bit boring. Most of us, we crave variety in a relationship. Yeah, our sex might have been amazing at the beginning, but if you're doing the same thing over and over again or it becomes a routine, that's just when we start thinking, huh, maybe I want to try something new, and this is the chance to change it up. Now, a lot of us don't change up things when it comes to sex or our relationship. We do not try anything new because we don't want to rock the boat. But we also are nervous of being rejected. We're nervous that our partner is going to think that we're blaming them for something, that they're actually bad lovers. So we just don't do it. And so, a few tips I have. Just remember this. First thing getting your way is probably fear. Fear is stopping us from doing so many things. Don't be afraid to try it. Try a new skill. Everyone's a little nervous with something new. I'll bet your partner's a little bit nervous, too, that you're even talking about sexual. But that can bring you together, and that's going to be a really great hurdle to jump through, just facing your fears and doing it anyway. Another thing is start small. You don't have to have the whole conversation at once. You don't even have to be perfect at giving oral for the first time. You can take baby steps. This is the most important thing. I want you guys to persevere. Don't give up on something right away when it's awkward or uncomfortable. Very rarely are we good at something that we've never done before. Beginner's luck. I mean, sure, that can happen every once in a while, but it's not gonna happen in this area. Okay? So you might fall down a lot. It might feel uncomfortable and awkward, but eventually you stand back up, you keep going. It's never as bad as you think. And I promise you, if you follow these tips and try some first in your relationship, maybe you've been feeling bored or there hasn't been a lot of variety and things are the same. This is time. Do it. Face the fear. Have fun trying something new. I'm here for you. All right? This email is from Nicole, 26, in Arizona. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm 26 years old. I've had a few relationships, but I'm with my life partner. Since I've been with him, it's brought to light how out of tune I am with my body and what I want. When I was younger in sexual relationships, everything was new and exciting and I thought I was doing it right. I mean, it felt good. But in my early 20s, I started to realize how important self pleasure really is. My current boyfriend is the only one I've ever told. I've not had an orgasm with a partner before I met him. I bought a vibrator and I wanted to learn about myself. I tried touching myself and basically I would just get bored and impatient. My mom would race about everything unrelated to orgasm. And then I realized when I tried to use the vibrator, I didn't even know how to use it. But now with my current guy, he's ignited a light in me. I've told him I've never had an orgasm with a partner. He seems cool with it and he's really supportive and open and he wants me to feel okay. He doesn't shame me, he doesn't rush me. And you've made me feel so normal to be a sexual, passionate, loving being. But I don't know what I want still. Where do I start? How do I use a vibrator? How do I get on this journey so I can access the higher realms of pleasure and ecstasy that I know I deserve? He's made me realize how badly I do want it, but now I have no idea where to start. Thanks for everything you do. Thank you so much for your email, Nicole. So there's a few things that came out in your email here for me. First I want to know. It's great that you've come to this point and you realize that this is something that you want to try and you want to figure out. You mentioned a lot in here, like your mind races outside the bedroom. So it would make sense when you get in the bedroom that your mind is racing as well. So the best practice is to start to learn about mindfulness, meditation, breathing, you can take a breath, work class online and then that's going to serve you when you get into the bedroom. Important to prioritize it a few times a week, you time where you can lock the door, set the mood, definitely get some lube and block out all distractions. And this is just your time to start to figure out your body again. The goal though, is exploration and not orgasm. You can experiment with touch. Your fingers, light touch, tapping on your labia, your clitoris. And again, when I say curious, it's just you going into your body and starting to breathe. When your mind starts racing again, because orgasm is energy. And if you're in your head and you're worrying about, is this it? Am I doing it? Is this right? You're going to be actually blocking that flow of energy. So what you might want to do, picture yourself breathing into your pelvic floor. Picture your favorite color, maybe it's purple. And then when you are inhaling, picture a light purple light coming up from your pelvic floor all the way up to the top of your head, breathing in and then breathing out again. And I found when I have something to go back to in the moment, it gets me away from my thoughts. You might even be able to picture the arousal building in your body and moving through it, kind of what an orgasm is. So experiment different kinds of touch. Use the vibrator if you want. And this is a practice, so it's okay if your mind races and it doesn't work the next time, you keep trying. I have a friend in college who spent 30 days masturbating and it took her. It wasn't until the third week that she finally had an orgasm. She did it every single night. She was like, what does this feel like? What? She used her fingers outside, she used them inside and she got so curious and it finally happened. So I don't know how long it's going to take you, but if you have this notion that every woman just magically has one and there's something wrong with you, there's not. We also have a lot of great posts on our site about masturbation tips, and I just want you to have fun with it and enjoy getting to know yourself. All right, this is Tyler, 27, in Boston. Dear Dr. Emily, my name is Tyler. I'm a new listener to your podcast and I love how you break down and talk through each topic. What brings me here is I'm curious to know how real coughing season is. I. I bring this up because I'm 27 years old, living in Boston. I got out of a two year relationship five months ago and it was hard to be single again. But I went back to therapy, I listened to some dating advice books, I even started Working out again. I lost 20 pounds, and I'm happier than I was a few months ago. And even with therapy being in better shape and new dating advice, I'm not having any luck on the dating apps. I'm using Tinder and Bumble and Hinge. And I also noticed that women are looking for a lot of similar qualities. Someone who's funny, make them laugh, someone who's career motivated, knows what they want out of life, someone who's in shape and is active. And I'm all of those things. I even do comedy as a hobby. I have a really good job, and I know what I want. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, but I've noticed the number of matches I've been getting have been decreasing significantly over the last few months. Do you think cuffing season is a contributing factor? All right, Tyler, thanks for your question. And you sound like a really special, solid guy. You're doing the work on yourself. You've been to therapy, You've lost weight. You. You know what you want, and you're. You're thinking about all the right things. So I just want to give you credit right there, because not every guy is like that. I appreciate a man who's actually done the work on himself. Right, so. So I want to know first, what are you saying in your messages when you meet these women? Are you being direct? Are you just saying hi? I know a lot of women. If a guy just says hi, they're just going to delete it. They. They want to know that you read their profile, that you have something to say. Use your comedy skills here. Right? This is what you've been preparing for. And ask her questions. Make sure that you read the profiles. And I like the idea of making a plan right away. I recommend making a facetime date zoom. You know, something so you can sort of get to know the person. You can say, I have 15 minutes. Let's chat for a few. And this just helps kind of weed other people out. And then you're automatically making an immediate plan because it's really frustrating to go back and forth, and you keep texting with someone for weeks. So I would be direct and specific. Make sure you read their profiles also. What about your profile? Do you have any close girlfriends or a sister or a cousin or anyone who can look at your profile and give you tips? Try to have photos without sunglasses on. So many guys have photos with sunglasses, and it's like, we want to see your eyes. I want to look into your soul. That's what we want and we don't want all the group photos. Right, Group photos. We don't want to play like, Where's Waldo? Like, who are you? We don't have time. We're swiping. We just want pictures of you. We don't love the fish, the guns, the dead fish. That's a trend. We don't. Maybe some women want to see fish. Good lighting is important. Some women like dog photos, some men don't. There's been some studies lately. Just do you. I'm asking Tyler that you be you in the raws form and get some advice from some women in your life. Show what makes you different and. And unique. Where do you stand out? Rather than saying, you know, I like tacos and going to and watching Netflix, like, who doesn't? But how do you showcase your personality? I know that Hinge does that well because they ask you very specific questions, and that stuff matters. So have your personality shine through your profile, and be direct, be specific, and be patient. Okay, Tyler, thanks for your question, and let me know how it goes. This is from Gunther, 32. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm 32 weeks pregnant, and I'd love to keep my husband pleased after I deliver. With that being said, I've never given him a blowjob. I know you've said many times how important oral sex is, but I just don't like the thought of a penis in my mouth. Are there any tips or suggestions you have for me to get over my anxiety of performing oral sex? I recently found your podcast, and I love listening to your advice. Thanks for all you do. All right, Gunther. Well, congratulations on your new baby. You're gonna be a new mom, so I don't think you have to, like, right when you come home from the hospital, go out and give your husband a blowjob. But I'm sure he's gonna appreciate it so much that you're thinking about it. And you could let him know, if you haven't, that it's something that you've been thinking about. Because sometimes just the anticipation of talking about it and letting him know that you can't wait to do it and you're ready to do it can be just as hot. First, let's talk about you. The fear of having a penis in your mouth. I'm just wondering to look at where that came from. Were there some messages growing up that maybe it wasn't cool to have a penis in your mouth? Or do you know some friends who had some weird experiences with it? So that's something to examine, right? Now. And also, here's the thing about oral sex, is that I don't want you just to be doing it because you think, oh, my husband's going to like it. But I want you to know that the cool thing about oral sex is, is once we remove all of the shame and all the worries we have around it and you get into it, you realize that there's actually pleasure in giving and receiving. Trust me, I know. Might not sound that way. Why did they call it a blowjob? I don't know why they call it a blowjob. That's just not good marketing for the blowjob either, because then everyone giving a blowjob is like, I have a frigging job right now. So once we clear all that out and you're like, okay, I really want to try something new. Just like all of my tips. With sex, any sexual act, go slow. Like, I don't even mean when you actually have his penis in your mouth, but the whole experience of kissing his inner thighs, his outer thighs, using your hands, you know, moving him around his body, and maybe not even going right for his penis. And then you can just start to use your tongue, start to kiss him, start to kiss up his shaft, the tip. You don't have to put your whole mouth around it yet. And then you can start checking in. And I'm sure that you'll know, like, penises talk to you, and you'll be able to tell how he's reacting. But also that, like, this penis is attached to a man that you love, the father of your child. And that's an important thing, too, to realize that, like, it's a part of someone that you love, and it's a loving act. And so you don't have to, like, you take the whole penis in your mouth first time. You can just kiss it. You can look at it, you can get to know it. You could say, hello, hello, penis. I've never seen you at this angle. And just kiss it like you would kiss his mouth. I mean, a lot of oral sex is kind of making out with your partner's genitals. And then the next time, maybe you can put the tip in your mouth. And then the next time you can start to explore with your tongue and you can start to put in your mouth and move around. And, gosh, I wish I got to know blowjobs that way. I was sort of pressured into it by a boyfriend, and I didn't know what I was doing. So what I love is that you let your husband know that this is an experience that you want to share and you want to have together. And then once you get there and you have the penis and his penis, you'll start to develop your own relationship with it, because that's what happens. And you want to avoid teeth, so you kind of put your lips over your teeth, because that could be painful. And also an important thing here is enough saliva, which is why I love adding lube. You might love flavored lube, fun flavors that you can play with. So it will also taste good. You could also put in your mouth and kind of do like a vacuum. I don't know if this is too advanced, but if it's in your mouth and you're sort of sucking in, think of like a vacuum that can also feel really good. You also can lick it and then you can blow on it. So play with different temperatures and sensations. But I think that your husband, who is now you have a baby together, is going to be so happy that you're just trying. We're so hard on ourselves. We think we have to be perfect at everything. But the fact that you're trying to is amazing. Make sure that if I have to sum this up for you, it would be into it. Be enthusiastic. Make sure you use enough lube that you go slow and use your hands. Okay? This is from Christine, 28, in Costa Rica. Dear Dr. Emily, I have a healthy sex life with my boyfriend. We both like trying new things. However, I've been wanting to try things like bondage and having him dominate me. The issue is he's very timid with those things, even though I try to make him more comfortable with the idea, even if we're just talking about it. I took him to a sex shop a few, and it was frustrating because he looked like he was afraid to look. What advice can you give me to approach this topic? And where can he go to learn more to be dominant in the bedroom? All right, Christine, thanks for your question. So here's the first thing is that remember that anytime we ask our partners to do something, it's something new, right? It's a skill set. It's something that he's never done before. And so our partners will often seem very shy and hesitant. But just like everything, it takes practice. And it might also help him to know more about your fantasy. So get clear on it. When you say you want to be dominated, what do you mean? Do you just want him to be more in control? Do you want to be more assertive? Do you want to be spanked? Tied up? Do you Want to talk dirty? Like, what? What are you envisioning in your head? Because once you get clear, then you can bring it up in a neutral setting to him. You know, timing, tone and turf. Outside the bedroom, when you're hanging out and you just say, hey, I know I've told you I want you to dominate me, but I thought it would be helpful for me to explain it in more detail to you. Like, let him know why you have this fantasy. What is the source of your arousal? Sometimes that's helpful. You could say, oh, well, I've always. I saw this scene once in a movie, or I was watching porn, or I had this fantasy. And then you can let him know why it turned you on. So giving him more context. Here's the important thing, and this goes for any sex conversations that we're having. You have to reinforce that you love having sex with him, that this isn't a criticism and there's really nothing wrong, but it's something new that you want to try. And you might have to say that a few times. So, for example, if you want to be more assertive, you can say, like, I just want you to tell me what to do. I want you to boss me around, tell me to get on my knees, call me slut, and you can do whatever you want. I mean, think about the scenario that you actually want him to try. And then again, you can acknowledge and let him know that it's. You understand it's something new. Take the pressure off and have compassion for him. Because I love that he's willing to try anyway, because there's a lot of people wouldn't even want to try to please their partner. Also important to pick a safe word. And even though he might think that's kind of silly just for spanking or tying someone up, it's kind of hot to have a safe word and kind of fun. So if something's going on, you're like, banana, right? And you're like, oh, God, banana. And you laugh. It's just, this is. This is going to be awkward. It's okay. No one is perfect at sex. There are. The only time we see sex that is so called perfect is, like, in porn or the movies. But real sex can be funny and fun, and to me, that's even hotter. All right, Christine, good luck with it and have fun, please. Sex is fun. Remember, let's all remember that. This is from Bill, 29 in North Carolina. Dear Dr. Emily, like most guys, my top fantasy is a threesome. My wife has always been interested in experimenting with other women, but never has before. She said she doesn't want to have a threesome because she'd get jealous, which I get. But I tried telling her I'm more than okay with her having her own experience with other women. I encourage it because I know she wants to try it. And I think after she tries it, she might want to try a threesome. How do I convince her it's okay to try it on a girl? Okay, so here's the thing. You're not going to get your partner to have a threesome. You're not going to talk your partner into having threesome. I get this question so often, and it's like, it just. It doesn't work like that. In fact, it's going to backfire. Now, if you truly, genuinely build in your heart and soul you would love your wife to fulfill her fantasy of being with another woman. That is great. I encourage that. So what I recommend is have a conversation and be curious. Be a really good listener. Ask her questions about what part of being with a woman turns her on. What is she fantasizing about when it's happening? What are the scenarios that make it hot for her? Is she performing on a vulva? Is someone going down on her? And to inspire you, maybe you could watch some porn together or read erotica and see which scenarios turn her on. And then you can play those out by, like, talking dirty to her and saying, like, right now, I'm picturing you with another woman in the room, and this is what's happening. And another hot thing is to have these conversations as like a warmup before sex or during sex. It's all really can be sexy rather than just talking. So much of what we do about sex is we talk about it. But when you can sort of bring it into sex, play through dirty talk, and in the moment when you guys are in an aroused state, that can also help her sort of actualize it and feel it in her body and maybe realize that this is something she actually wants to try. And then once that happens and she's actually had her experiences with another woman, then we can talk about how to have a threesome. Here's the tips, because I know you all want to know, what do I do? Okay, let's say I get there and I want to try threesome and I want to find someone new. First, you have to make sure that you both have the same idea what's going to happen in this threesome. What are the boundaries? What are the rules? What's the gender of the partner you're looking for, is this person allowed to sleep over? Are there any sex acts that are off limits? So that's all important. And that's why I always recommend that people do the dirty talk thing. Okay. Beforehand and really play it out. Play through the scenario. The other thing I recommend is if you want to find a third, there's a lot of websites. You can find them right now. There's like dating apps, hashtag open and field. We actually have a great article on our site about finding a third, so you can find some more tips there. But I just promise all of you, if you're trying to get into a threesome to save your relationship, to make it hotter because you think it's going to make you guys get closer together and you're bored with your partner, this is the last thing you can do to spice up your relationship. That just like having a baby to improve your relationship. Neither one of those things work. So go slow, take the steps, and have fun with it. We're gonna take a short break, but when I'm back, we will hear from Lindsay about her very first time.

Let's talk to Lindsay, 19 in California. Hi, Lindsay.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

I'm 19 and I'm deciding. I originally wanted to save myself for marriage. That was just a personal choice. But I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for close to a year now, and he's also a virgin. And we decided we want to go ahead and make love to each other. But I'm really nervous being young and getting pregnant. So I've been on birth control for three months now. I also, with the aid of my mom, got like spermicide and condoms and have them here in my house. But I don't know if birth control alone is fine. I mean, I would like to have sex without a condom. We're both, you know, virgins, like I said. But I nervous about pregnancy. A little background story to this is also he likes to watch, like, hentai, which is like Japanese anime porn. And if porn's already not realistic enough, you know, with humans, like real people. I know the cartoons, you know. So, yeah, so I've been getting into it. It actually does turn me on.

Okay, well, that's good. But yeah, I mean, great. I mean, so you're doing the work there. But yeah, it's just not realistic, right? It's not how sex goes down.

So we've been sexting, like, really, really crazy sex pain, and it really turns me on. But My thing is now I'm worried about the first time we do do it, that we're gonna have all these expectations, and that's also my worry.

First off, what. What kind of experience have you. Have you guys fooled around before? Have you done everything? But. Yeah, okay, you've done everything.

And he seems to enjoy that. And we touch each other and all that. Yeah.

Okay. And has he performed oral sex on you once? Okay, okay. And have you had an orgasm before? Have you masturbated?

So my mom actually got me my first vibrator probably like three months ago, and I was kind of hesitant to eat, so I actually been masturbating since the hentai, which I started watching probably like two weeks ago. And finally using my vibrator. I'm masturbating a lot lately.

Yeah.

Too. Where I even been using the shower head. And that's amazing too. Yeah, I already know I can order them.

Great, great. You're doing great. So. So let me tell you about all this stuff, Lindsay. You're doing great. I mean, you're doing all the things. And I love that your mom's, like, supportive of your sexual health. I think that's great. Honestly, if you guys are virgins and you're on the pill for three months, you don't have to wear a condom. You just. Pretty safe. I mean, it is safe. The birth control pill, if you take it every day and you don't miss a day, is like 95% effective. So that's why you take it. Now, as far as expectations, I don't know, there's all these myths around, like, you're going to bleed or you're not going to bleed, it's going to hurt. It's not going to hurt. And the truth is it's different for everybody. And so I think the more that you guys could really just breathe and slow down and not put so much pressure on yourselves for it to be any certain way. Because I guarantee what you're seeing in the hentai too, is like, it's fun to watch, but it's not necessarily giving you instruction manual how to have sex. I haven't seen it while I'm trying to think of it. So it's just more like look into each other's eyes and communicate. It's really about going slow and paying attention to each other and breathing together and lots of turn each other on first. And it sounds like you guys have been doing that for a year. But make sure you're already aroused and turned on and you're not just Rushing through it. So. Yeah, I mean, but I think that your concerns are completely valid and normal and I hear this a lot. And now with porn in the last 15 years, it's even harder because then people are assuming it should look like that. And it doesn't really look like that either. So just know that you're not supposed to be the experts right now. Your first time. So I love that you're with someone that you love and that you care about and you've already masturbated. You know, you're checking all my boxes for healthy sex the first time.

Yes. Well, I love listening to you, so thank you enough. Where I've gotten all my knowledge from, pretty much.

Oh.

So do you think the sperm would be a good idea if it. Or it doesn't really matter.

Spermicide can work. Sure. I mean, you could use that instead of like, you could use that as a lube as well. I mean. Yeah, you could. The pill is really effective. If you're taking it every day, you're not going to get pregnant. And there's only like five days a month where you actually can get pregnant. For women, that's when you're ovulating, but you're not even really ovulating when they're on the pill. It's like a fake ovulation. It's stopping your period altogether. So. But if it would make you feel more relaxed, feel free to use spermicide or use a condom. But I don't think if you've been taking it every day, it's when women don't take it or they forget and then they take two in a day and no, that's when it's less effective. But the birth control pill is really effective. But yeah, I think you're pretty safe. And I, and I love that you're being so careful. But I don't think you have to, you know, only use condoms if you want to. Yeah.

Is it okay for. For him to. To like that, you know, the porn and stuff and me not feel so.

Yeah.

Like I have to compare myself or the.

Yeah, this is what happens. You know what, Lindsay, let me tell you this. It's really common right now for people to watch porn. I hear it more from men than women who watch a lot more porn. And it's also normal for women to feel intimidated by it and to wonder if they're not doing it like the women in porn and they. Their partner desires something else. But I have to tell you that it. The porn watching is. Is something that. It's a Release for us to orgasm and to watch porn. And it doesn't mean that he wants you to be something different, doesn't want to replace you. But I understand the feelings and I think the more that I educate people around this that like it's not a substitution, it's not going to replace you. I don't believe he wants you to be a Japanese anime character or want you to do things in that, you know what I mean? But it's really just confidence thing. And I think it's. Men are going to watch porn in relationships, out of relationships, in really healthy relationships, when they're having amazing sex, they're still going to watch porn. And that doesn't change.

I want to be, you know, accepting of it and why I've watched it because it actually does turn me on. I mean, obviously I see that, but I think of him when I'm watching it.

Right.

That kind of put me into the perspective of being more accepting about it. That little fear is still there, but you know, he reassures me.

And so, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. I mean, I love you're really self aware and I love the way you're talking about all this stuff because these are all concerns and try to figure out what turns you on. Okay. And then you'll understand that this is not a substitution. But find your own thing. Okay? All right. Thank you so much for calling Lindsay. This is really helpful for everybody. So thank you for being honest and vulnerable and have a great night. Let's talk to Heather, 35, in Colorado. Hi, Heather, what's going on?

Hi, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

So I recently got a divorce from a 15 year marriage and started dating a guy. That's amazing. But there's just something there that's off. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach it sexually. It's amazing, but there's just sometimes I can't have an orgasm with him. And I'm not sure if it's like a mental thing I have going on. Like I'm not giving him my full heart or what's going on.

I mean, Heather, you were with someone for 15 years who knew your body, who knew how you orgasmed. You were used to the way you guys moved and now it's a whole whole new dance partner. And so now you have to figure out your rhythm with someone new. Is he doing the same kind of things that you would do with your husband? Does he know what turns you on?

He does, yeah. And it's, it's Like, I get there, but then it just, like, automatically, like, shuts down.

Yeah. How long have you been dating this guy for?

About a year.

Okay. Okay. So is there a part of you that feels there's a place in it that you can't let go?

Well, so my husband had an affair on me, and I feel like maybe there's that, like, hidden. I don't want to get hurt again.

Yeah. So.

And I often wonder if, like, that's the wall that I put up.

Yeah.

Because we're great.

Everywhere.

We're great. Like. And I'm not saying our sex life isn't great, because it honestly is amazing, but there's just, like. There's just sometimes that I'm just, like, I. I feel like I'm in my head more than anything else.

Okay. And this didn't happen before because you felt safe. So have you worked through this stuff? I mean, that's such a trauma to find out that your partner cheated on you? Have you done any repair work in therapy and figured out your relationship to trust issues so you can clear it?

I'm in therapy now.

Great. Do you guys talk about this?

We don't really talk. We haven't gotten as far as far as, like, talking about my ex. It's actually my marriage counselor that I was going. That I'm going to.

Okay, great. Sometimes that's great, because they already know you. No, I think that's cool. I know people do that all the time. They're like, well, you already know me. Can I just come see you? So I think that maybe there's a little bit of. And if you orgasm with them in other ways.

Yeah, I still. I mean, I still orgasm with them, but, like, it's not. I guess, as much as I. As much sex as we're having, I'm not orgasming.

Okay. Are you on any medication? Has anything changed? Nope.

Nothing.

Have you been sexual? Like, are you masturbating? Are you having orgasms on your own? Like, how comfortable are you in your body right now?

I don't do any of that.

I know, but we all. 10 minutes in the shower. We all have time, Heather, but we don't make time for it. So you have time to masturbate. And I think that when we're feeling more in our bodies and more sexual, like, sex begets sex, and if you can kind of get your orgasm going again, you get your pilot light lit, that might help. So that's one thing. And that could help. I'm gonna give you a few things. I would like prescribe you a weekend masturbation. Just get back on, you know, start doing it again. If you never did it, this is a great time. But also, it's been a year, so I would say a year. You're 35 years old. Like, do you know. Have you guys defined the relationship yet? Have you talked about how you feel about each other and what you're. What you'd like for the relationship?

We talk about, like, maybe someday getting married, but it's always talking about, like, a someday.

So do you think that there's some information that you need right now to feel more safe with him?

That's a good point. Maybe, perhaps, maybe more. I don't know. I've never really thought about that.

What would he need to do to make you feel safe with him?

I guess maybe. I don't know. I don't want to get married yet because I was just out of a marriage. But I think the idea of knowing that, like, it's serious enough that he wants to marry me would be okay, you know, a good. Good start of commitment.

Yeah. If that's what you're looking for. But you don't want to get married again. But maybe it's just words like, have you said I love you yet? Have you.

Oh, yeah. We actually live together. I just moved in April.

So that's one thing I would just say it's always good to think about in a relationship. Like, what's holding me back right now? Am I putting up a wall? And then I guess I'll give you a third thing, because this is what's happening in mind right now. Have you had a talk about your sex life and what you guys are into and what turned you on?

No, we actually haven't as much when.

You'Re not in the bedroom, hanging out, when you're just, you know, at your house or going for a walk, you could say, I realize we haven't talked about our sex life. And I would just like to know, like, what, you know, we've been together a year. Like, what. What's your top three times we've had sex? What are the top three moments? I'm going to tell you mine. And then you could start there and say, these are the three things that I've. The most memorable times. What about you? And then in those, there's a lot of information. There's a lot of great wisdom in learning what people remember and what they like. Cause then you'll know, like, oh, so you liked it that time, you know, I spanked you, or you liked the Time we made out for hours. So then that would be a great way to get started. You could say. I'm only asking because I, I, I think it's so important for us to be open. And then from there there's something that's really cool because, you know, a lot of what I talk about here every night, Heather, is, you know, encouraging people to have these difficult conversations. But when they do have them, you feel even closer to your partner. You feel even more trusting because you feel like you both are taking an interest in your sex life and in the pleasure of our partners and you just feel like then we can really explore anything. You never know what you're gonna find out, you know, so maybe that, so those are all the things.

I like it, I appreciate it. Thank you.

Cool. Heather. Yeah. Thanks for calling. We got Kristen, 47 in California. Hi Dr. Emily and team. My husband and I have been married for two years. We dabbled in the lifestyle, which means swinging. Before we were together I tried but we did not feel a good balance and boundaries. For him it's all the way or none at all. Now I feel like our sex life is becoming too vanilla and ho hum. How can I spice up things without resorting to having sex with other people? Thanks for any advice. See, here's a perfect example. They tried, it didn't work. But they still want to keep it hot. My recommendation is to go do the yes, no maybe list on our site. It gives you a bunch of sex scenarios to choose from. Are they yes for you? Are they a hell yes, a hell no or a maybe and then compare those lists. Are there things on the list that maybe you thought that you both, maybe you both want to try? Maybe you want to learn to give erotic massages to each other. Maybe you want to have anal sex. Maybe you want to do some spanking. It has everything on there. But let's try to think about for you, Kristen, if you both liked swinging but now you don't. Are there elements, what was it to swinging that you liked? Maybe you could do more role playing. You could do the sexy stranger because then it would still be like sex with a stranger. But it's your husband and that stuff works. You show up as your alter ego. You can be anyone you want, a stranger in a bar. But for that moment when you're playing these like fun role playing sex games with somebody, you actually, because we're all, remember we're all kids at heart and we all used to play and we used to play make believe and I promise you, I Can't think of a better time to bring it back than with your sex life. This stuff works. So I would recommend that and I would recommend continuing to explore your boundaries with him and continue to talk about these things. Like what are your hottest moments? Sexual moments. Write down three things that you both love about your sex life. Swap the list. All right, you guys. You know I always say you can't go from zero to anal. Well, that's why I am saving the best for last. The guy I'm seeing wants to try anal. A friend told me to do it and try coconut oil for lube. I'm terrified of a poop incident at the end. She said it happens. We've hooked up since September and we only see each other every now and then, but it's not a real relationship. So I'm comfortable with him, but not to the point. I want to poop on him. Haha. Any tips? All right, I get it, I get it. Everyone hears about the poop and the pain and they don't want to do it. So great. First time question. Let's talk about poop first, since you brought it up a few times. Sex is messy. Things can happen. It is true. Now you probably know when you're regulated, when you need to go to the bathroom, when you don't listen, if your bowels are clear and you've gone to the bathroom and you didn't just have a really heavy meal, you know you're going to be okay. But if you want to take extra precaution, you can just make sure that you are cleaning, take a shower, you stick your fingers inside and make sure everything's clean. You could get an enema, but I only recommend buying the enemas in the stores, getting rid of the vinegar in it, pouring out the vinegar and then filling it with warm water. And then you could do one to yourself if you want. But honestly, it's likely not going to happen. I would be more concerned about the consent part of this and about you exploring. Maybe could use a finger at first. He could make sure his nails are trimmed and he uses the finger and he just goes inside and you can see if you like it, you know, before he just puts it inside. Now something that else that's really helpful is to already be aroused, already be turned on, make sure that he's kissing, making out with you. Maybe he's already gone down on you, maybe you've already had an orgasm because that just opens everything up. You'll be more relaxed. So the thing about anal is you want to breathe a lot, deep breaths. You want him to go really slow and you want to use a lot of lube. And when you think you haven't used enough lube, you just reapply again and again. I want to make sure this is a good partner who is trusting and he's not just doing it for his pleasure, but he's really invested in your pleasure as well.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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