Balancing Your Sexual Energy

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about sexual energy and how it relates to your relationships in and out of the bedroom. Topics include: so everyone has a masculine and a feminine energy. What does that mean and how you tap into both of them when you need to, like in the bedroom? Why having a balance of these energies is imperative to a better bedroom experience. And how to know if your relationship has the masculine-feminine polarity it needs. Now, this goes for same-sex relationships, any types of relationships. In order to have that attraction, you need the masculinity and the feminine energy and all the ways this relates to your attraction, your relationship, and your sex life. All right, all this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because, uh, my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my, do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You really should. We got years of great information on there and updating it every day with posts and things to help you have better sex. You can also find me on SiriusXM radio, Loving It on Channel 109, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific. And it's so fun. You guys can call in, you can listen, you can get a free trial at sexwithemily.com/sxm. As always, follow us on all social media @sexwithemily. We're going to be doing some more fun giveaways. And I just think we put up stuff there that's going to make you go, hmm, you're— she's right. This is how I can have better sex tonight, better relationship. All right guys, enjoy the show. You know, I get, I get something in my head and I'm just like, oh God, I want to tell you guys every night I get excited. So, I was out with a friend last night for dinner and we were talking about the importance of understanding the masculine and the feminine energy energies in a relationship and how they work together. It's like the, the sexual polarity in relationships. And what we were talking about is how typically in a relationship there's a time maybe where one person's gonna want to be with the other person more than the other. Like, there's gonna be always be this flip, this polarity where maybe one's always feeling like they— someone's about to leave them, and one's feeling like they want their freedom.

Yeah.

And that's gonna switch. And then to understand them, then I started thinking about it, and that really goes back to this whole premise of masculine-feminine energy. And I thought, I think this is a concept that's fairly familiar, or maybe people sort of understand parts of it, not all of it. Or to some people, when you say energy, like, I feel your energy, or, Matt, they go, that, that's just like too woo-woo, and I don't know. But it's really, it's really—

would you say those people are kind of closed off though?

Yes, those people are closed off. I think they're closed off, but it's only because the only reason why we are ever closed off is because we just don't have enough information. We're closed off because everyone around us was closed off whenever this came up, so we think it's weird or whatever. So So just know if you've been listening, trust me here, the energy stuff is big and it's, and it's something that I want to start to, which, you know, just talk about more on the show because I have an understanding about it. And I, I think it would help you all in a way, just kind of like we were talking, like I talk about the love language, right? Like I think we're all trying to understand in a very base level, what is attraction? When we meet somebody new, it's chemistry. What is really chemistry? What turns us on? What makes us, how do we, how we attracted to someone? What does it all mean?

Yeah.

Like, it's so confusing. Like, do you know right away? Or those people that you automatically connect with across the room, are those the ones that you run from? Like, there's that whole part of attraction. Then there's, there's, there's sexual attraction in our long-term relationship. Like, what is the secret sauce to keeping that hot? And, you know, we offer things like I talk about the love languages and there's like, there's, there's, there's several different paths to travel to, to get to understanding sexual attraction and how to keep sex hot and all those things. But when I, when I talk about the masculine feminine energy, it's really interesting because that exists in every single, first of all, it exists in all of us. We all have masculine and feminine energy. We all do, men, women. And then we all bring that, you know, and we have it in different ways in our lives. Like, so I'm definitely, for example, I mean, my masculine, masculine, not like I'm a businesswoman and I'm a business owner and I do things and I make deals and I'm like running my life and I'm a, I'm a, masculine, like I, you know, I'm hailing the cab, I'm getting the deal, I'm, you know, I am a—

I would actually love to see you, like, we went, we're in New York, but we never like hailed a cab or anything. I would love, I feel like you would be, 'cause you're just like this small petite woman, but I feel like you would just hail, like just be like, taxi, and like 7 cabs would come up.

Right, exactly, no, I get it, I get the deal, and I get them there, and I make shit happen, and I'm like, and it's also like creative and practical, and we're also like, you know, that's the visionary part. And then the feminine energy, which I think of, this is why it's so interesting is because a lot of us kind of struggle. A lot of women that we know, I know that are like go-getters. I mean, it's changed a lot because women, we realize that, you know, we've had to step into our masculine with feminism and all the things happening where we started getting jobs, going back to work. And we've been in our, you know, in our masculine. So the feminine, sometimes our natural state is, can be more elusive.

Mm-hmm.

But the feminine is more of the intuition, the compassion, the emotion, like the empathy, the truth. Like when you're really in your feminine, you're You're really connected to your body and you're more connected to your intuition. So sometimes if we're like too much, so here's the flip side of it. So in my life for, or for me, if I am too much in my masculine, sometimes energy, it could be like, or, or not just be any man. When you're too masculine, like there's a flip side of it. The good side is that you're creative and you're practical, you're visionary, you're hardworking. But the flip could be like your ego or you get more angry, you get more resentful. And then for women, we're like light with our heart and we are empathy and truth. But if we're on the flip side of our feminine, we become more weak. We can seem more weak.

Mm-hmm.

We feel like we're losing power. So for example, for me, harder for me to be in my feminine sometimes, cuz I don't wanna seem weak and vulnerable. So what does it have to do with attraction is that typically whether you're in a same-sex relationship, it doesn't matter if it's two men, two women, any gender together, there is always two. So you think about it, there has to always be at play to create sexual polarity, meaning sexual attraction. There has to be somebody in their masculine and someone in their feminine. Doesn't matter your gender.

Yeah, so two women or two women, two men.

Because if it's two— if it's a man and woman, you're both really in your feminine all the time, you're waiting for the other person to make the move, and there's no attract— you need the polarity of the two attractions at any time. Or you could switch it. It's switch— it could switch sexually. But typically we all have— we know what ours is.

So we're usually— we're usually dominant in either our masculine or feminine with a little bit of room in the bedroom.

Sexually. Yes. Actually, yes. And typically we know where that goes, and hopefully you know where that is with your partner. And so, um, it's about like finding the balance in your relationship. So sometimes relationships get filled with resentment, for example. Like typical women— like if a woman feels like she wants to be able to be taken care of and be vulnerable with being her feminine, which is what would make her feel more connected to her body and make her desire sex more, which she would require from her male partner is to, um, give her some support and some structure and some, and some, and some love and some support around the house maybe. But when he, when she starts to feel like, well, he never helps with the kids, or I have to be the breadwinner, or whatever the things we have in women, then they get it. Then they start to resent and they, they cover up— we cover up our feminine a lot because we don't want to be hurt.

So our partners sometimes can kind of push us into our masculine or our feminine depending on the situation?

Exactly. Oh, oh yeah, because we have to respond in either way, and because we have to choose a side usually in different ways. So, so, but when, when sexual attraction is truly based on this having this polarity present, you, you have to make sure that you know how to balance it in situations and to figure out like what, what's gonna find you attractive for your partner, what's gonna turn you on sexually and what's gonna turn your partner on. Mm-hmm. So if I, for example, am not in my body as many, like I can be a typical, I'm not in the mood, I'm not turned on. Maybe I've just, You know, I spent the whole day with the kids and then I came home and I was exhausted as I was cleaning. And then my partner comes home wanting sex, right? And I'm like, I've been in my, my body is not connected to anything feminine. I haven't, you know, I haven't done things for self-care because being self-care, like, like taking, you know, taking baths, dancing around the house, like releasing your body, doing yoga, moving your body, creating a sacred space, feeling your feelings and not having a wall up. That's how we feel more feminine. And that is what the men— the masculine is attracted to the feminine energy. We want to— masculine energy craves the vulnerability, the expression, the softness of the feminine. Like, they— and so it's a cycle. Does that make sense?

No, that makes a lot of sense because, okay, so I'm— I mean, I'm I'm straight, but I'm heteroflexible.

Sure.

And it's interesting because there are a couple of, I've had crushes on women before. And I find that when it comes to men, because in my regular life, I would say I'm in my masculine a lot.

Yep.

In my regular life. And when it comes to men, like a man that I find super attractive is one that dominates my masculine and pushes me into that more vulnerable feminine feeling. However, interesting flip side is that from the couple of crushes on women that I've had, I have crushes on the very feminine women and I jump into my masculine.

Interesting.

Huh.

So maybe you, well, maybe you are more masculine sexually.

No, but it's just weird.

With a woman you take that role.

With a woman I feel like I would step into the masculine, but with a man I want to step into the feminine, but I always default to masculine because I just, that's what I know mostly. But like, I'm super turned on and attracted when a guy can, when their masculinity can overpower mine.

That's what, 'cause that's what we crave, exactly. And that's the thing that even if your partner, so I was talking to my friend and she said, you know, her ex from years ago, she said, you know, I loved him, he was great, but she was always in her masculine. She said, you know, one time I tried to like, you know, take us to like a sex class or something to figure out how to dominate and do all that stuff. And she's like, and she was doing like a trust exercise and she had like wrote, it was like a rope thing, like she was getting blindfolded and tied up. It was like a one-night thing. She said that he— it was a trust exercise where she fell back. There was like a dominator, and he was like, oh, and he got scared to like— he like, he giggled and kind of dropped her, or like kind of almost dropped her, and she didn't feel safe. And he's— the woman, the dominant, was like, no, you have to— like, she's like, no, like, you have to be strong for the— in this moment you're taking that role. That's what women, you know, we, we crave that. So I think it's in these particular moments that you have to bring that, you know, sort of. And it seems like in every other way, you don't have to be in your— you could be a very caring, loving, vulnerable man, which is what she loved about him. But what she didn't know how to articulate at the time, and what a lot of us don't articulate, is like, no, you can be all these things. Like, I want your empathy and your love and your support, but in the bedroom, I want you to dominate me and throw me against the wall. I want you to take charge and I want you to make the plan because that is what fuels my passion. That is hot to me. When you have, like, when you're driving it and you're making, you're initiating the masculine. Again, not men, it's masculine. And so figuring out whose role that is, like, yeah, James, if you start dating women, you'll know that maybe that's your role with women. But I don't think we often even understand this polarity and how to cultivate it in a masculine-feminine relationship, and like how to understand that when it diminishes, that's why you're having a problem with attraction in your relationship to just keep it interesting. You got to figure out how to keep it going.

Okay. Okay. So I have a friend who she just ended a relationship, but this actually makes so much more sense now to me, like listening, because she was like talking to me and I'm like, I get that, but now I really get it. So she was like, they both lost their jobs because they worked at the same place, but she stepped up and she went and she went on interviews and sent out her resume, did all these things. So she stepped into her masculine there. And then her partner though, her boyfriend, was not doing those things, right? And was kind of just more like, oh, I like— not even asking for help, but just like not being in his masculine.

Yeah.

So she was like, I am not attracted.

Exactly.

So they're like, sex life was like kind of diminishing because of that.

That's exactly it. And that's why— and Jamie, exactly, that's exactly— and that's why men have to understand, oh, she only She wants you for my money. She's looking. Why does she care? No, it's about your drive. It's about your passion and it's about your commitment to something. It's about like having a passion in life to your vision. Like men are— the masculine energy has a very strong vision and a passion. And like women find that energy attractive, or masculine feminine finds it attractive. So exactly, Jane, he's not looking for work. He's sitting around, he's not doing anything and she's driving. It's like, and then he wants to have sex, she's literally— it's biologically, wherever she— it's her feminine, not attractive to it. He's not giving her what she needs. In the same way, women sometimes, if they're too much in their masculine and not giving it, that that's going to be hard for the men. You know, another idea would be— another great example is like, let's say, because I was thinking about the calls last night, we had a woman who called in and she said, you know, he doesn't have a job, he's lying on the couch, and I wish that he would make up, you know, that that I don't want to, you know, she's probably nagging on me, wasn't doing something. And I said the way to handle this, and that's, I get it, that's already when it's been a problem for a while. But let's say the flip side, you really want your partner to, you're in the mat, you're the feminine energy, and you really want your partner to like make a plan and to take you out and to make you feel really in your feminine. Cuz your feminine loves being taken care of, having the plans made, feeling sexy. So instead of saying you never make plans, you never plan anything special, by saying I feel, I'm so excited for you to plan Saturday night to take me somewhere that I haven't been before, like to a fun restaurant or meal. Like, I love when you take care of all those plans. It's really hot. Instead of saying, why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you doing that? But when we fall into that role of our feminine, it can kind of— it might not feel natural, but that's really what we're saying. We're nagging because we're not getting a need met.

So it's kind of like trust fall with yourself. Yes, because yeah, because let yourself fall into your masculine or your feminine.

And it's scary. The reason why it's so hard for us— it's really hard to be vulnerable. It's hard for women to open their hearts and to be vulnerable. It's hard for men to, you know, only like to get out of their masculine and into their hearts. So we're all trying to do the separate journey because we want that for men too, because we want them in the bedroom, we want them to be all the things that are masculine, dominating. But in real life, we also then We want them to be empathic and loving. And so when men aren't in their masculine, you know, it's, it's a whole dynamic that we're trying to figure out and we have to balance in our day-to-day life everywhere. So even if this is the other thing, even if you're single, let's say you're single. I hate the word single. I hate so many words, but you know why? How about you're just like, it just sounds like you're single. I understand that's just a number, but then you're waiting to be a double or I'm dating.

Yeah.

You're like, you're imperfect, you're by yourself, you're by yourself, or maybe you're looking for love. How are you carrying yourself when you're out in public? Like, I've noticed some friends who we are not— and I guess I'm talking from a women thing too, but like, they're not— they're more in their masculine. They're running around, they're doing meetings, they're, they're not moving in their body, they're not connected, they haven't exercised in a while or breathed deeply. So they're not— they're leading in their masculine and they're not like—

do you think that that's why a couple times when I go out, because I feel like I try to put out my feminine when I'm out, but maybe I'm just not actually tapping into it. I think that's why I'm not getting approached.

Yep.

Because you know how it is.

You don't like— you've been a tomboy. It's gonna be a lesson for you. But if you want a man to dominate, you have to sink more into your feminine. Absolutely, James.

So foreign.

Yeah, I know, I know. But we could practice.

Okay.

Because there is— it, it is in you.

Yeah. And I mean, I like to be, you know, of course I mean, it's interesting too because I was trying to think about this because we've talked before about how I like to, how like I not like to, but I have, I'll ask a guy out. I don't mind. But then when that happens, I end up being that dominant person in that situation and doesn't work out. So how do I, like, do I— but what, I can't always just wait for someone to ask me out?

No, but I think you can make your interest known and you could say, I really enjoyed talking to you, this is fun, we could do it again, like, here's my number, and give them the option rather than maybe just doing the asking. And so that's sort of a medium place, or just let it be known. Maybe you have to put yourself out there, let them— let your interest be known. So we should do this again.

We should, you know, so kind of like, kind of like make the first move but like half the move and then like kind of give it to them like it was their idea.

Yeah, perhaps make it their idea. Yeah, exactly.

Like, here's my number.

Jamie's going on all the dating apps and she's gonna be testing all these theories because we get into— I think we've talked about this and I can't decide, I'm telling you. Or I, I— well, the truth is there's no rules to any of this. We all get to decide. I don't believe in rules around anything, around dating and all those things. I think we get to decide. Something has worked out for everybody. There's every scenario where a woman asking a man out, they fall in love and they've been together for 30 years. There's been times where that doesn't work. But I think when we say that, like, it's, uh, talking to people in their 20s now, 30s, or probably more your generation, Jamie, when they're like, oh no, it's equal women. You know, so many men are like, I'm so relieved when, uh, a woman asks me out. Like, I'm so relieved when, and again, we're talking masculine, feminine. So who's ever, I'm so relieved when that happens. Cause I actually would like that to happen. And it, It's so much pressure now with Me Too. And, and I think, okay, well maybe there has been a change in a shift that, that we all appreciate knowing that we can avoid rejection here because we know this person likes us and it's great if you let it know. That's one thing. But the other side of that is, are you setting a relationship on that track by you doing the initial asking and being in the masculine? Are you leading where you took like that experience was never— he wasn't allowed to show up in his masculine, so therefore you're always going to see him in his feminine, he's going to be in his feminine. Or is it really just doesn't matter because it's the initial time and then that's— you just asked someone out and then you let them take the ball from there. So it's interesting to see what goes now because 20 years ago, like, it wasn't that. People were not— women not as much wrestling people now, and now we're hearing they are. So yeah, it's just, it's an interesting time to be alive.

And I think this is good too for, for women who who do like to be— who actually like to be in their masculine, like in the bedroom or sexually, that's like, do you make the move? You ask the person out because then you'll probably attract that feminine, right, energy that you want back, right? Exactly. Because it's okay to be switched.

Exactly. Or to flip it up. Exactly. Figure out what you— and mostly figure out what turns you on. Like, what is the energy that you crave when you think about sex? Like, what is that energy? And then you provide the flip energy to it, the yin to the yang, the masculine.

I can't wait to put this to the test.

I love it too. I can't wait for you to do that. You're going to be doing it now. And again, we embody both of them. Men and women have both those energies, you know.

Um, do you think there's like a way— because I don't even know, I, I am barely starting to be conscious of my masculine and feminine energy. Is it like really just about like, how do you figure out what you're in? Or like, how do you visualize like what energy you're in?

Oh, I think it's really about— for the feminine, I think that you are really in your body, meaning you are, you're not just moving with your head, you're moving with your body. Like, you have breathed, you spent time connecting, you are, you are feeling yourself as you're walking into a room and you're fully embodied. In your feminine, the way you're carrying yourself, the way you're moving. And like, it's like when you feel sexy or when you feel desirable or when you feel turned on, a more muted down version of that. That's kind of how you know. And also when you're like letting people do— like, you're letting— you're not the one when you're out like grabbing open the door, grabbing the menu, like, like, you know, the one who's paying the, you know, doing all the things to, for, to create order and structure. Okay, you're kind of you're kind of, uh, leaning back and letting someone else lead. You're letting the masculine lead. So if you are taking charge, you are more in your feminine— masculine.

Okay, so then what if though I'm just like, just because I just, I just tell someone like, hey, I like— even if it's like a first date kind of thing, because I'm on like the apps now, I'm just like, hey, I really would find it cool if you made the plan.

Yeah, I think it's really—

I— yeah, like, can I just be for—

because is that Yeah, you could say, or I think it's, I love when you plan. I love it when you plan. I would say that. I'd be like, God, I love it when you plan. I'm not a planner, but this is what I love. Like, I, I don't know. And that's true for me. I don't, I, that was a problem. I've had problem relationships. We both were not planners. That wasn't good. That was kind of a battle there. Like, it's not that I won't do anything, but I'm not gonna make the details on the call and to think ahead of time. Like, that's just not my brain. So anyway, that's, Yeah, so to let him know, like, I'm open, but you make the plan. I love it when you lead, even if you just met them. All right guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll come back with more.

All right, let's talk to Teddy, 52, in California, because she wants to comment on the masculine and feminine energy.

Oh cool. Hey Teddy, thanks for calling. Hi. Hi. Great.

I'm super excited to be talking with you guys. I listen to you every night on the way home. Oh, and, uh, I just— I, I wanted to comment just because I'm a lesbian.

Okay.

And I have been in relationships where I am definitely more of the masculine energy, and I have been, like Jamie was saying, ultra— I'm attracted to ultra femmes. Like, the more feminine the better. It's the most feminine things about women that I love, right? And yet the real friends that I have been attached to have a very masculine energy. No, it's really interesting to me because I just— listening to you guys, I recognized so many things that all of a sudden make sense to me. Yeah, I was with somebody who was feminine, and now I recognize the relationship didn't work because her energy was more masculine and I was used to being in that role.

Exactly.

And I think we just didn't know how to, how to work that out.

Right. Right.

Exactly.

That's so interesting.

I didn't know what that was.

Right. Exactly. I was, I was saying, I was explaining this to my, my friend the other day. He's gay, same thing. He was talking about a guy he was dating and we were talking about same, right. That sometimes he has to be in the feminine and maybe wasn't getting enough of it. The masculine, it works in every situation, but it's hard. It might be more, it's probably more challenging. I would think maybe in your, like, kind of in your situation, maybe, or maybe you can seek it out now. Would you understand with— do you think this helps you in going forward? Or like, are you in a relationship now?

I'm in a relationship now, and again, she's much more feminine in appearance. I get mistaken for a guy all the time.

Okay.

I even get hit on by gay men.

Okay.

Um, right. So I, I just— I have that appearance, but once people get to know me They're like, wow, you're, you're so different. Like, you're so feminine. You have— I have a very soft energy, but I still have that appearance. And so I'm used to taking on that more masculine role in a relationship, but I recognize now that I need both, right? I need to, to have that feminine side fed too, right? It took me a long time to be able to figure that out and admit it to myself and be okay.

Yeah, well, we all need it. That's why we all have— we all have to nurture our masculine and feminine to be to be good partners? Because like, as a woman, like, I still want my male partners to be— have their feminine tune so they can be there for me empathically and they could be there for me supportive. Like, you know, I need— we all need it, you know, in different ways. But then in the bedroom— so were you finding with these women that you were with that were femme, but more— were they more mass— like, in the bedroom, how would you present? Are you more dominant in the bedroom as well, or is that where you want to be more in your feminine?

No, I, I really can trade off. Yeah, I really can because I'm, I'm so used to taking the masculine role, but now I recognize after being with a couple of women that were so feminine yet had that masculine energy, I, I want that now. I really, I crave it.

You want what you crave, the feminine?

I didn't know.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, right. Good.

Yeah, I've learned a lot just in the conversation that you guys have been going back and forth. I've learned a lot about myself just in the past few minutes.

Oh my God, no, Teddy, I'm so glad. Well, we're going to keep going with it and call us back if you want to, you know, continue the conversation. It is interesting. Thank you, Teddy, for calling. I appreciate that. Love when it resonates, you guys, because, you know, I'm just trying to— you know, there's so many different ways to think about attraction and sexual chemistry, and I think we're all so confused about it when we're single and we're dating and trying to find our partners. And there's some hacks there's actually some hacks that save us time. Like Teddy just said, light bulb moment. Oh, I crave both masculine and feminine. It's okay not to have to do it all. And we see this in a lot of all kinds of relationships where we— there's not a healthy balance of everyone doing their part in their masculine and their feminine. So some women, maybe they're only in their feminine, and maybe their masculine partner's like, I need you sometimes to step up and like take charge of the family.

Or, you know, it just works in different ways in that, you know, No, it is, because it's like once you start hearing all of this and then you start thinking back on your past relationships, yeah, you also start thinking back upon like the relationships around you too, to see like, oh, like that never worked, or like— and then now you can kind of tell. Like my best friend Anthony, he's gay, and like his last relationship he was in, because he's more, he's more in his feminine, so he needs someone more in his masculine, but that person was not was not in their masculine. So he was just like, I don't know why it's not working, right? But now it's like, if I— too bad I didn't know this then.

Exactly. See, now we know every day. Because too feminine, you might think you like someone, but if you're both in your feminine, no one's gonna make a move sexually. No one's gonna make a move to make the plans or be the visionary, you know? Not that you— if that— especially sexually. So like, you gotta choose what are you into. And sometimes you just either you figure it out, but if you know that you are feminine dominant in the bedroom, like, it just might not work for you with someone who can't step up and bring the masculine, and that's okay. God, it'll save us a lot of time. I'm just trying to like give you some sex hack chemistry dating hacks so you can actually save time and just have much better sex all the time. Just efficiency.

Efficiency. All right, so Maria, 56, in Canada would like to add to this conversation.

Awesome. Hey Maria, thanks for calling.

Hi Emily, thanks for taking my call.

Of course.

I love your show. I've been I've been listening since you started on Sirius. I want to give you my insight in what's happened in my life with the masculine and feminine energy.

Great, yes.

My first marriage, I was very naive and very young when I got married, and married 17 years and found out my husband was gay. And in that marriage, I was the one that made all the decisions.

By—

before I found out that he was gay, we were kind of like a, you know, a brother-sister with two children, two parents. So I felt at the end there was no sexual anything, right? So now my second, my second relationship, I've been with him for about 15 years.

Oh, okay.

And he was very masculine. Everything about him attracted me to him. That the sexual energy was so extreme and everything. It was great. It was everything opposite of my ex-husband.

Yeah.

And then he lost his job, or actually he, he did something to lose his job.

So he was at home.

And this happened about 2012, so it's been a few years.

Okay.

And as I'm listening to your show today, I realized I went Since about 2012, and also my menopause kicking in, our sex life has slowly diminished, and it's mostly me. And when you were talking about the masculine-feminine energy, in 2012 when he lost his job, everything was on me once again, right? And I just, I, I just felt— and we had this huge argument, it was about a year later and I actually said the line to him, my life hasn't changed at all from my first marriage.

And that to him, that's so insulting, right? But you were right back where you were with your ex because he wasn't bringing them, right? Right. So how is it now?

When I'm listening— yeah, when I'm listening to you, I actually realized that might be it.

Yeah, I think that's absolutely— yeah, sorry. No, go, go, go, go. Yeah. Tell me.

No, I was, I was just feeling like I, I'm, I wanted to be dominated in the bedroom. That's what it's all about for me. But, uh, I also want somebody to take charge of things, make decisions.

Yes.

Not all on me.

Of course.

And it was once again all on me, and it's kind of stayed that way. I've tried to bring it back, but it's still there, and, and I think it's me.

But it's not, it's both of you. Let's just remember there's two people in every relationship, but it's just you and him not knowing how to talk about this, but now you get it. So he's still on the couch. He doesn't have a job. He's still at home now. So all the things that you were attracted to, his leadership, his vision at the beginning has just been gone and he's at home and not contributing. And you've had to step up cuz you have to take the mask. You have to be analytical, use your, you know, use your left brain more. Yeah. Be the visionary, be practical. Like, you know, right. And then, but the flip side of the masculine energy, like the dark side because it is the resentment and it's a conflict. So it's like you're in it, but then now you're also so masculine that you resent the feminine when you're not getting that energy from— anyway, it's a whole thing. But this might be it. And so it's more about a way— like, you're— you, of course, because the sex is important, you still want to have that. We have to create this polarity. And so how do you get him— you still want to stay with him— how do you get him? Because he wants it too. He wants to be a man for you, you know. That's why I always say that— why I always ask people when they say, my husband's sex drive, it's gone, or my partner, no longer want sex, I always say, is he stressed about money right now? Is there something going on with his job? Because when men— that's a very masculine thing to be the caretaker, to have a role, to feel of your purpose and your vision. Well, when you don't have that, it's really hard for men to feel sexually attractive, you know, to feel desire, and for women to be attracted to them. So it becomes a whole thing.

Yeah.

So this sounds like you gotta have— this sounds like a new way to, um, reframe the conversation you've been having with your husband.

Yeah, very true.

Yeah, good.

I just, I just really heard what was happening in my life in what you were saying about the switch of masculine and feminine. I just found it really interesting and compelled to phone.

Good, I'm so glad. This is what we want. We want everyone to— I love when you're compelled to phone. If you haven't phoned before, thank you for sharing that. No, I'm into it too. I'm glad I brought that. I was just feeling it when I walked in. I'm like, I gotta get this out. Thanks for calling, Maria. And I'm so glad this could be enlightening to you and this can kind of be inspirational to you as you're moving down the path of life.

I just love that people are making realizations all over.

I know, I was like, whoa, breakthrough! You had one.

I literally did. I'm just like, oh my God, because now I get it. I mean, it's even, even being like here, like, with you throughout this stuff, there's just so much more that, that like we haven't even tapped into. Oh my God, I haven't tapped into.

No, we are on a journey always. People used to say to me when I started the show 14 years sex. Okay, I get it. But aren't you ever gonna run out of things to talk about? Aren't you ever gonna get bored? Never once has happened. So what I want to say, there's one thing more thing I want to do. More people calling in about this because I want to say one more thing is that like we all struggle with getting into our masculine more, our feminine, or we have maybe, or let's say you're hearing this and you're going, oh my God, I gotta step it up in my masculine. Some, some ways you can do that, like like some ways that you could kind of awaken your masculine energy in order to polarize the feminine. So evolutionary studies do show that men really open up and reveal their true colors, their vulnerability, when they are with other men. So having man time to express things to one another that only men will understand, not your partner, not the feminine partner, And that helps them engage activities they're passionate about. So spend your man time. It's important. You need that. Another way is just to do sports, like engage in sports, play sports. It allows you to practice aggression in a healthy way and raise your masculine. And also like lifting weights. Like these have been studies that show that men who lift weights, that you're challenging your body. It also helps mental strength. It boosts testosterone. And some studies show that men who, uh, I think it was they lifted weights for like 4 weeks and there was a 40% increase in their resting testosterone. So these are just things if you need to like get back into your masculine. For women, yeah, cool. Like, just, you're like, oh, you have, you've been feeling— for feminine, so the feminine's about your like this innate desire and drive towards like compassion and connection and caring, which is like when you're the fucking masculine all day, it's hard. So move your body. I'm telling you, this has been the stuff that I have known and that I feel And I absolutely know at the end of the day, we've got to move our bodies as women because the energy, the feminine energy is trapped in our bodies. And if we are not flowing, moving, being physical, surrendering to movement, dancing, you know, our emotions get stuck. We get stuck and we don't move them. So like if it's walking, stretching, yoga, that is important for your sexuality. It just is. So if you need another reason to exercise, it's for that. And then like, and for me, like, this is important, create a sacred space. It could be a ritual. This is where like, it could be your daily masturbation routine, journaling, making self-care prior, taking that bath every night. It's not just 'cause you're tired and you deserve, it's like you need it to replenish. And the other thing is feeling your feelings. So many of us who are living our masculine, myself included, we block our goddamn feelings.

Same.

So when you learn to feel your feelings, which can be a journey, let the wall down, falls down, that allows you to be more in your feminine.

All righty, we have Karen, 58, in California, who wants to discuss masculine energy relating to her husband.

All right, hey Karen.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, I wanted to— I enjoy your show so much. I'm a— I haven't been listening for very long, but I have a long ride now, so perfect. I've learned a lot, um, listening to your show, but you know, you guys touched on something about masculinity for my husband. He's disabled now and, um, he's, he's not— he feels he's really depressed and he feels like half of a man. So I was wondering how I can make him— because I really don't care if he's disabled or not. This is my second marriage and I love him to death, but I also want to be more intimate with him, but he, he just feels so not worthy, if that's the right thing to say.

But he feels not—

I don't know how to get him for it.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how to get him to, to, to feel that it's okay with me that I'm working and that he's staying home because he's disabled. I just want him to feel better about himself.

Well, I mean, here's the thing, like, we know like self-confidence mostly is an inside job that he's gonna have to do that work. So, you know, um, that's part of it. But also like Like, what are some things— like, if he— it's more about you bringing— like, not convincing him with words, but showing him your attraction to him and how you're turned on by him and how he used to— you find him sexy, and bringing your feminine energy on strong with him so he can still step into his masculine.

So I've tried a lot, I had a lot of that, but it's more of, um— and then it gets to the point where he's afraid he can't perform. Because he's on a lot of medication as well.

So he was just recently disabled? Recently disabled?

Yeah, about a year now.

Okay.

So yeah, it's pretty— it's pretty recent.

Okay. And how was it before he was disabled? How was your sexual chemistry and sex life and attraction?

Really good. It was very nice. And, and, um, I mean, it's my second marriage and I feel like this is the first time I've been in love, so And I believe he feels the same way too, but he just doesn't know how to like get over that he can't do the things that he used to do, right? And he feels— he basically told me he feels like a bitch at home. Yeah, because he can't do the things he used to do.

He needs community. He needs community or therapy or some other men in the same situation. He needs man time. He needs to— he needs to do things that make him feel like himself again. Even though there's limitations, there's always ways to to adapt, to find new ways for him to get that same feeling. So, you know, I'm sure there's still ways that he could work out and he can move in certain ways. Um, there's ways he could hang out with his friends, or there's support groups that he can hang out with other men. Like, there's— you can't be the one who is continuing to push him and to, you know, be his cheerleader every day. You can't be the only one. So there's sort of like a multifaceted approach here, you know. So yeah, you know, on a good note, he just did—

he just asked me he wanted to go to therapy. Oh good, that's a good start.

Oh, I love that. I was gonna say, because you know, he's just adapting. His whole life he's been one way, and now what, he's your age, in his late 50s, and all of a sudden, you know, that's a— that is a therapy— that is a time for therapy. You don't know how to be in this new body of yours, and so he's got to go easy on himself. It's so easy for us to just beat ourselves up, but you know, he has to get— he can go now. I love— he said this— get into therapy and learn new tools for accepting and living in his new place that he's at, the new reality. And we're always changing in life, you know, he just got to get some tools for it. So thanks for the call, Karen. Um, let me know how it goes. Sounds like you guys are working through it in a healthy way, which I love. I love healthy.

Okay, so we have Vicki, who's 48 in California, who says that she's an alpha who wants to attract an alpha.

Oh, okay, Vicki, tell me more. How are you guys? So good.

Good.

So I'm full-time single mother and I'm like full-time single, so dual. I am the mother, father, you know, husband.

I'm all of it.

And I work full-time and I crave an alpha who's more alpha than me, right?

No, I get it.

I want to be the girl.

Um, but I was surprised to hear you say that men like crave a girly woman, and I, I'm very independent because I have to be. Okay, I want to be attractive, so I'm trying to find the fine line. It's not girly, it's just your energy. It's you being in your feminine. It's not girly because I'm the same. I'm a fucking go-getter, masculine, got my business, got my work, that I pay for everything. It's my job. I've had a job since I was 12. I don't need a man like that. But what I'm talking about is in your sexual— but you are attracted to, to men and then being Like, let's say in the bedroom, right? Like dominant. You want them to be more dominant. So that means that when you're in the presence of someone you're attracted, letting down your guard, because then that moment you don't have to be like, you know, bringing home the bacon and paying the bills, and you're not in the boardroom. You have to learn to— it's a lesson. You sound like what Jamie was saying, and it's a practice for me too. How do I release and feel comfortable just being into my feminine when I'm sitting there with a man? And that could just be me Breathing into my pelv— I mean, I know this sounds silly, but it totally like has worked for me because I'm tense. I'm like, I breathe into my pelvic floor. Like I'm sitting in the room and I'm like, even before I go out, I do some exercises of just like connection. Some like breathe into my Kegel. I move, I dance. I like think. And it's like presenting that part of yourself that wants to be girly and taken care of. Who is she in you? How does your body— it's body stuff. Like, it's your body language. It's sitting back, being more relaxed, you know what I'm saying? Like, more moving through life in that way. You could still be strong. Someone came behind you, could kick their ass, they want to steal your purse, but you could still be the vulnerable, um, you know, creative, uh, what's the other energy, you know? Yeah, just feminine, uh, of, of— because it's about the, the energy that we're like— yeah, the The, uh, what was I going to say? The, um, the lightness. It's more of a lightness and it's like, it sounds so whatever, but like, you know, it's like cheerful, it's happy, it's in your body. But then the other side of feminine also important is like wild and naughty and sensual, but it's all like sexual energy. It's kind of like about unblocking your emotions too. And that's why it's so important for women to move their bodies because the more we get in touch with it, we realize that like, 'Cause when I used to hear vulnerability, I'd be like, no way am I gonna be vulnerable with a guy. But then I realized like they create, like, you know, I was like, oh, I don't need 'em to take care of me. But still, when you're, when you learn to let down your walls that make it so masculine, 'cause you gotta be a single mom, Vicki, and you gotta take care of shit. The process of learning to get, take down your walls and be vulnerable is a journey. And that will help you attract that feminine, masculine energy you need. I'm on that journey too. All right. Thanks, Vicki. Thank you for calling. Yeah, you guys, we're all in this together. All right, everyone. Hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.