BDSM & Bisexual Breakdown with Margaret Cho

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right. Everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm giving you some sex the news updates that might just help you in your home and your bedroom during this quarantine. Plus, I'm matching your sex and relations questions. Topics include tips on how not to hate your partner. Since we've all been cooped up together, whether or not video dating will become the new norm. Speaking of video, what to do if your partner is into virtual sex and you've been super aroused? All quarantine and steps to take to improve your overall confidence after a breakup. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that our sacred institutions Bedroom eyes they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, that feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and you can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily everywhere to make it easy for you. And I love hearing from you and Intentions with Emily. So for each show, it really helps to set an intention. So what do you want to get, you know, by listening to the show? What are you trying to learn here? It helps to focus, and I'm going to do the same thing. So maybe you're thinking, I'm curious to see how people around the world are dealing with their sex lives and relationships now. And if I'm having similar experiences. Or it could be just, gosh, everyone's so different right now. What if these new dating and relationship trends are going to continue after this quarantine is over? And my intention, I just want to keep you guys informed. Better ways to navigate your sex life and relationships in a healthy way during this time of uncertainty. All right, guys, enjoy the show. So I want to bring you some sex and news that's actually jam packed with a lot of tips to help you get through this super strange time that we all find ourselves in. All right, how not to hate your partner. Some tips to help your relationship survive the lockdown. All right, we've all heard the stories that in China, few months ahead of the US with this pandemic, there's a surge in divorce rates. Now, this makes sense because there's so much heightened anxiety, and that can easily drive a wedge between romantic partners. We're dealing with so much right now. Job loss, childcare, you know, not having childcare, staying at home, not having our me time, not having our space, you know, financial concerns. And if there's already problems in your relationships, it's probably not making it much better right now. But we still have to deal, you guys. We don't have the distractions that we used to have. So I just want to give you some tips here that could be helpful. Now, the first thing is work out those logistics early on. So your home is your office. Your office is your home. And like, now your co worker is actually the person you're sleeping with. So we got to draw boundaries early. Like, we're all just going sane. So I think the night before or in the morning, you're like, what does your day look like? And you clear it out, like, who's going to be in what room, what does the person need? Make plans. I know you've never had to do this before, but we're all figuring it out day to day. Now. Something else that works. I'm telling you, you could probably hear this loud, but it does work. Even if you do it in passing. You can train your brain to be grateful, be extra grateful. I know it's corny, but if you can work on writing down or just thinking in your head when your partner's driving you insane. Three things you love about your partner. I know this sounds super like corn, you guys, but when you just. Even if it's like, oh yeah, I love the way they always remember you do special things on my birthday, or I love the way they laugh, or I love how kind they are to strangers. I mean, it could just be things like that that you have a go to note on your phone or somewhere that you can remember the things that you are grateful about for your partner. Build in legitimate quality time. Now, even if it feels like you're together right now 24 7, because you are, you have to find the quality time. You have to figure out, like, what is like quality versus just we're hanging out together and we're doing everything together. It's putting the phones away. Maybe it's like playing a game, you know, having your exercising together, having a cooking together, doing things that, you know, it's still like your date night. It's still like something that's like, don't make assumptions because you're seeing each other. That there isn't like a quality time, even if it's like an hour something, an hour in the week, a half hour in the day. But also you got to carve out alone time. So whatever that looks like to you. It's like we have to all get better at scheduling. And I've been struggling with this because I've always had my team and the office to go into. And while I'm not quarantining with anybody to find the time to separate it, to stick to a schedule about like, this is what I'm going to make calls and this is when I'm going to walk and this is what I'm going to do, all these things is not easy because also, under normal circumstances, we have lots of time away from our partners. But right now, if they're always around, we all need that alone time, even though it feels like we're all very alone. So you guys, this is like a really big Thing that I've learned, that we have to ask for what we need. Now, this takes practice. And what I want to say about this is like asking for what you want. And a lot of us make our needs smaller. And then we get into this routine of being passive aggressive. And it becomes such a routine in our life that we actually believe that we're satisfied with being passive aggressive. It's like a habit. Like, oh, there they go again. Not asking me if I want coffee or like, oh, how's that coffee? Must be good for you. I didn't want any because we're so used to it. But this kind of things can be so triggering, especially in a relationship. And so I believe that if we can just practice and this is actually great for life post quarantine. Asking for what you need. Asking for what you want. Do you know what you want? And so if you could just check in with yourself and say, is this really what I want right now? What do I want? And I don't think that we even realize sometimes that we put our needs, you know, we put our needs second or third or fourth. But just saying, you know what I would need right now? I really need this alone time. I really need this room for myself. I'd love to watch what I want to watch right now. I'm going to go for a walk alone. I know we have to get over the fear that we're going to upset somebody. We have to get over the fear that they're going to be disappointed. Because if we don't take care of ourselves and we don't prioritize our needs right now, I guarantee that no one else is going to do it for us. And this is the truth all the time. So let that one sink in because that is a practice. And what happens is the more you actually ask for what you want, you'll realize that it's actually you get your needs met more. It's not as hard as you think, even though it's uncomfortable at first and it becomes more a habit. And you actually start to get your needs met. And it's a behavior pattern change. And it's pretty inspiring and remarkable when you feel like, I'm actually getting my needs met now. The other thing is feel the losses and validate them. Like, this is a weird time that we're in. This is unprecedented. Nobody knows what to do. Nobody knows the right thing right now. I think we all have our own ways of dealing. I think we all have things that we are concerned about. This is at least people I'm interacting with our friends. Some people are winning quarantine. Some people are like, I'm loving my family, and we're all in this together and spending more time. And there are definitely silver linings here. But it's also okay to feel sad that you are activities that you enjoy and love. I know a lot of people really miss the gym. They really miss their friends. They miss their coffee shop. They miss, you know, relatives and all those things. And I think it's okay to feel loss and then to validate them. Like, it's okay now to feel those emotions. I think a lot of us are so used to pushing things down and feeling like our losses don't matter, especially because some people have it way worse. You ever do that? Like, I have those friends, like, well, we could be in New York right now. You know, people in New York, or we could be other places. And, you know, my friend's mom is in New York, and she's, you know, alone in an apartment in her 70s, and it's like a tiny apartment and can't go outside. And, you know, some of us are in California or we're in warmer places, or, you know, it's like, we all people are sick. People are dying. There's a lot of stress and trauma right now. It's almost like we're all going through this, like, universal trauma. We're not even at the PTSD part yet, because I think we're still in it, so. So the more we can say it's okay for me to feel whatever I'm feeling right now and then validate. That is important for healing right now. Okay, guys, the next thing is finally go to therapy remotely, because we all have the time right now. And you know that I am a huge fan of therapy. This has been an ongoing theme. I probably talk about it every single show, but we certainly have time right now. There are extra hours built into the day, hours that we'd spend commuting or working. Strengthen your relationship. Find a couple's therapist near you. They're all doing zoom calls, and you could probably do it any hour of the day. You could do it on the weekends. I'm doing well with my therapist. You know, I haven't talked to her in a while, but I'm like, I'm gonna check in, and it's kind of like that. It's like a maintenance, and it's really great for couples. Maybe you guys are doing well right now, and you're thriving, but finding someone to help you, because I guarantee there's going to be ups and downs to this. And I always say it's best to go to therapy when things aren't in crisis. So if it's something that's been on your bucket list, it's actually available for you now to do therapy remotely with a therapist, with your partner, without having to fit it into your schedule in a way that used to work before in a way that would have been more challenging before.

All right, so let's talk about online dating right now, you guys. This has been getting a lot of play lately. Everyone wants to know what is going to happen with dating. Will video dating become the new normal? Now, I've always said this. I believe that if you're dating online or however you're dating right now, video makes sense. Like, use FaceTime. I believe that texting is just. I can't tell chemistry over text. I mean, somebody could be an excellent texter, but I've met them or I see them and they're not that interesting. I'm like, can we just go back to texting? Like, across the table, like across the. You know, not in the same room, because that's when you were interesting. But I think during a virtual face to face, it's way easier to tell, like, do we have chemistry? And I get that nothing's going to beat in real life like when you meet that person in real life. But in the beginning, find out, is there a connection here? Two minutes on a video chat rather than hours and hours on drinks or discomfort or feeling like, when's the waiter gonna come so I can get the check? And I think also, I hope this actually continues, we go back into life in our new life that I just think it makes sense that we waste a lot of time without knowing somebody and sitting with them through a date. So it is saying that major dating apps have responded to the coronavirus in their own ways. Tinder issued an in app card encouraging social distancing and made Tinder passport that people can match in any location. So now what they're doing is they're saying, we don't care what state you're in, what country you're in, you can match anywhere. Because people really are starting relationships now from anywhere. Because it doesn't matter if you're across the street or across the world, you can still connect Bumble. So Bumble's also. They've also launched a video feature so you can do the video in the app so you don't have to, like, give out your phone number, which I get. We don't want to do that for sure. So it says over the past weeks.

There'S more increased matches on Hinge. He said there's a surge in online dating season. Online dating right now it's kind of like the new coughing season because we're all home and many singles are separated from friends and for family. So dating apps do provide another layer of human connection. Coffee meets Bagel, another popular app, says 17% of U.S. users have voice calls with their matches. They're having voice calls now and not texting. And then 9% have had more video calls. So I think that there's also more meaningful inner conversations and interactions right now. And I think that's a good thing. You know, if you're again looking for the bright side of all these things, I think a lot of times relationships start when it becomes really physical. Before we know somebody. We're not having the, you know, difficult conversations first or the intimate conversation. So right now there is a. We're all sort of leveled to this playing field. The same place where we're like, we're all suffering some kind of loss, some kind of change. And so having a real connection with someone and just saying, here I am in my house talking to you from my couch. What makes your heart sing? What's important to you? And that could be the way that we could be set up. We get to meet them right now. We get to actually see who they are. Now there's another app that launched in 2019 in October called Blindly. It says that strangers can have three minute video calls to vibe check the chemistry of the potential match. So that's called blindly. Some people say that, you know, they're fearful that it's kind of like that chat roulette thing. Remember the 2009 where you just kept. It kept chatting around and like, it became like a, I don't know, you'd see someone's like, penis all of a sudden, then that would happen. It wasn't safe. But they're saying that the video chats are blurred to strip away the fake and superficial aspects of the online dating world. And I've been thinking this too, and it says here that considered an amplified version of the reality series Love is Blind, which if you guys didn't see Love is Blind, it was, it's. It's probably one of the most popular shows in the last year, except for now, Tiger King is ruling that is kind of steamrolling over Love is Blind. But it was kind of like a quarantine like dating show that somehow mirrors what's happening now. And People weren't allowed to see each other and they were just talking and hearing each other's voices in rooms, in these pods. And then they, you know, some of them got married. So it's not so crazy that you might find someone right now during this crazy outbreak. All right, guys, sex toy sales are booming and it's the Internet connected toys. During COVID 19, would you spend $339 on an interactive male masturbator vibrator that would stimulate sex with your partner from hundreds of miles away? Well, that's a lot of money, but people are doing it now. They are upping their game. They're buying toys that allow them to connect with others. So it's forced couples from all over the world to socially distance and sex toy brands. There's emerging field, you guys, I've talked to you about this. Teledildonics. Love that word, just kind of rolls off your tongue, Teledildonics. Something about it I love. It's basically what teledildonics means is it's essentially a term used to describe high tech, interactive, Internet connected sex toys. And there's been a big uptick in conversations around the topic, which not just here at Sex with Emily, but I've been talking to you guys about the We Vibe toys for years and they launched their We Connect app a few years ago. But now it is a app enabled product, meaning that you buy one of their toys, make sure it's the ones that are app connected and you launch the app. It has a video chat feature, your partner can connect to it. You can either both have toys or you could, one of you could have a toy and then your partner can control the toy from anywhere in the world. And I think this makes sense especially if you've won for both of you control each other and hey, sex toys could be the sure thing. And it's just another level of intimacy and it's novelty, which a lot of us are craving anyway. So no surprise there. There has been a surge in toys. It says in the month of March alone, sex toy revenue in Italy, Spain and France has outpaced Projected goals by 124%. In France, 300%. In Spain, 94%. Okay, this is great, you guys. Fetish company donates entire stock of Cosplay Scrubs to UK hospital So a kinky cosplay company donated its entire range of fetish medical scrubs to a UK hospital, saying the staff were desperate because of a shortage while fighting the coronavirus pandemic. So cosplay meaning it's kind of role play and kink. And medical fetish is a really common fetish people like. That is, I would say, is one of the top kinks. Someone dressed up as a doctor, someone dressed as the patient. And so they had all of these like scrubs and masks, and they were so desperate they just sent them to them. So, you know, I think that's just great because I was actually thinking, I've got a lot of masks at my house from all the kinky things people send me. Like all the different manufacturers who make like masks and they make like beginner bondage kits and just, you know, I'm always talking about like wearing a blindfold. Like a lot of them are masks as well. So it's funny to see that they're actually doing this. So they're a tiny company that did this and they're kind of a last resort supplier to the National Health Service in time of crisis. And the reason why we were having such a we're so needing scrubs right now because we have a decade of chronic underfunding cuts for healthcare. And a funny quote by them is, I never thought the heroes we need in these straighted times would be from the sex industry, but here we are. And it makes sense to me because, well, on another note about sex is that it is the great equalizer, the great connector. We are all connected through our desire and our ability to be sexual beings and to crave intimacy and connection. And so that's why right now we are, you know, I'm hearing from you guys more. You guys are sending emails with your questions, which I love to feedbackexwithemily.com because I really want us all to be here for each other and to help us get through this however we can. All right, there's an online sex party during the coronavirus pandemic hosted on video conferencing sites like Zoom. They have a similar format to real life fetish parties. Dress up, dancing, getting down, dirty. So what happened during this online sex party is everyone's wearing fetish gear. This was. I did not go to this. This was reported. Everyone's wearing fetish wear, lingerie or nothing. Some had disco lights, others a female female couple had come prepared with an assortment of whips and paddles. One woman even made herself a coronavirus themed latex surgical mask. To break the ice. The group played a game of Never have I ever, which by the way, always a great icebreaker even for your regular parties. The questions were sexual from the get go. This was followed by a Game of dares directed at everyone so no one felt singled out. They were simple, like, you know, make a sex noise. Online sex parties are a testament to the brilliance of human creativity in a crisis and for otherwise introverted people to explore their sexuality in a real time way they may never have considered if the pandemic hadn't happened. The coronavirus pandemic has forced people to think outside the box when it comes to many aspects of their day to day lives. And sex is no exception. The party did wonders for my mental health, she says, allowing me to meet new people who I'd love to party with in real life when it's all over. Hey, just like dating, you guys, if you wanted to try a sex party, you could probably find them online. And I'm going to assume that you find them online at the same places that you find other ones, which I often talk about. And you could also go to sex with lily dot com. We've got a lot of information in there about sex parties and how to find these things. But some of the websites, one is called FetLife, another one is called Cassidy and there's also meetups like literally in every city there's a meetup. So I just google it. Sounds like they're happening. It's a thing if you want to try it out. Why not dip your toe into the sex party thing now another thing about data, you guys. Sugar daddy dating in Massachusetts is up 86% sugar daddy sites increase in online dating There is increased in dating saying Tinder and Bumble not the only one seeing it. Seeking arrangement is the world's largest sugar daddy website increase interested partners Most people want to stay connected. If you're single, you're home all day by yourself. Need to feel like you can still meet people, you can still engage, you can still be social. Worldwide the site has seen an increase of 74% compared to this time last year. Massachusetts that number is higher, 86%. So I guess what we're saying is it's physical distancing but not social distancing. And I think that's important, especially if you're like an introvert or someone who doesn't often reach out. You have to be intentional right now about making connections. This is just a side note. I have found that I could go days because I'm alone without actually talking to people that are important to me. Well, not days, but every day feels like a week now and I have to be like tomorrow at this time I'm going to reach out to people and connect. So There has been an increase. Six million Americans filed unemployment last week, which we know. So people are turning. And some people might be going to sugar daddy sites because they want to have someone take care of their needs. They say they're not looking just to financially support someone. Every relationship is different. Figure out what kind of mutually beneficial relationship you could have. You can have right now. Okay, we're going to take a quick break. And we come back. We're going to get into your questions.

This is from Amanda, 33, in Florida. Hi, Emily. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years now and live apart. The quarantine is taking a toll, at least on me. But before all of this, we were hitting a sex lull. Not as often as we used to. Our schedules weren't lining up, and I was exhausted from working so much. He's not that into dirty talk, but we used to sext a lot when we first started dating. He's not comfortable with sexting now since we haven't done it in a long time and isn't into technology to FaceTime or anything. I don't know how to convince him to come out of his shell to try anything new. It's getting really frustrating that he doesn't want to try anything, but I also don't want to push too hard that he draws away any suggestions you might have. Thanks, Emily. Oh, Amanda, I have so many suggestions for you. Because first off, I get it. It can be so frustrating. So, so frustrating when we're trying to talk about, you know, trying to talk about our sex life, trying to get our partners to try something different, and they just shut it down. They shut it down and they don't want to try anything new. But here's the thing, you guys. We have a new normal now, and it's changing every day. We have to adjust to this new way of living in every aspect of our lives, including our sex life. So here's the thing. I believe that you guys are in a relationship, you've been dating for a few years, and he thinks that your sex life is important. And I would think that you think your intimacy is important. So a lot of times our partner just shuts down the idea of sex, of a new idea or trying something because they feel awkward. They feel like, you know, he's like, you know what? If I sex, I'm going to fail at it. We haven't done it in a while. And. And. And I think that FaceTime sex is a whole new, you know, a whole new thing for people. And. But basically Remember that this is a new skill for him. Like, he hasn't done it. It feels really awkward. Um, so I think that you could practice with them and make it fun. Like, I think that if you're like, hey, let's sex more. Hey, let's FaceTime more. And he feels like, oh, God, I'm going to be bad at it. This is a new skill. You can practice with them. You can make it fun. Like, let him know, like. Like, hey, this is what I think a sex would look like. Or here's. Here's how we would, you know, do FaceTime sex. Because I think that people might have this. This idea about, you know, video sex where, oh, we're going to turn the camera and you're gonna be sitting there stark naked. Well, no FaceTime sex. Skype sex is just like regular sex. It's going to be a little foreplay. Maybe you have a drink first together, maybe dinner, and then you kind of flirt and you tease and maybe you do a strip tease. Maybe you play strip, a strip game, like a card game or something. And you. And you. And you ease into it. But I think letting him know how important it is to you and how it really makes you feel more connected to him and that it doesn't have to escalate so quickly, Maybe you want to just have, you know, talk about your sex life. Maybe you have a few calls where you're just saying, like, hey, this is what I'm into, or these are some things that would be hot. Maybe you have a call one night where you talk about, you know, here's the top three most memorable times we had sex. Tell me what yours are, and you start to enhance intimacy that way. And I think also just letting him know, like, practicing sexting with him, like, letting him know what it feels like to you, and again, how it makes you more connected. I feel like my suggestions are in the most encouraging, loving way, neutral in tone, and even more supportive than negative. Because sometimes we give suggestions to our partner, we let them know what we want, and it comes across as passive aggressive. Or you never want to sext. You never want to try anything new. Which, you know, that's the worst way to get someone to do something. So the more encouraging you can be. I love the slutbot app, you guys. It is a free app by a company called Juice Box. And literally, they text me all the time. And it's like, you can practice sexting, okay? And also check out a lot of the information I have about FaceTime and video sex. But I Think he'll come along, Amanda? You just got to give him a little bit of time to warm up to it. Remember, if he's never sexed, never FaceTime. This goes for everybody. We're all changing right now. We're figuring out new ways to connect that feel good. So thank you, Amanda, for your question. All right, this is from Katie Collins. She's a female and she's 19 in the USA. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm currently going through a breakup in quarantine, which has forced me to do a lot of self reflection now that my relationship is over and I'm struggling to see greatness in myself. I'm 19 and had a lot of hardships that I've overcome in the past decade. It's impossible to connect with anyone, especially at my age. I know that I'm physically attractive. I take care of my health. I work out every day and only eat clean foods. I spend my time getting smarter with podcasts and books. I'm extremely independent. I'm essentially the female version of the nice guy. I feel like I'll never be able to give men what they want, which is especially defeating at such a young age. Please let me know what messages or tactics I can start to manifest so I don't face a lonely life. Oh, kt, I'm glad you wrote this. And it also broke my heart a little bit. Only because you, sweetie, have your whole life ahead of you and you are wise beyond your years. The fact that you even know such suffering, that you've had so much strife, and I love that you're going deep and you're really looking at yourself. But remember, you're going through a breakup right now and you're in quarantine. Those are double whammies. Your life got cut off from you and your relationship got cut off for you all at once. And so what you're tending to do and what we all tend to do when things are rough is we sometimes go to a negative place and we just give up hope for everything. Because right now it probably feels like there isn't a lot to live for. There isn't a lot to look forward to. But I'm telling you, this is not your reality. This is not your future. And I think the most important thing is to feel the feelings right now, feel the feelings of loss. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to mourn. It's okay to even feel lonely. I recommend getting comfortable feeling all of those feelings because the negative self talk, take it from an expert, really, in that Trying to stop those negative voices and just going into my real true feelings. It's a challenge, it's a practice. But I need you to go easy on yourself and just, you know, you can feel the breakup and feel the loneliness, but if you can stop there and just feel. And by feeling, I mean you're, you know, it's in your body and you're, you're, you're feeling stuff. But you don't have to go to the future tripping that you're never going to find anybody, that you're just going to be the nice girl. You know, you're putting yourself in this, you're pigeonholing yourself. And so what I recommend is the more you can spend during this time working on yourself. I love that you're listening to podcasts and that you're reading books. It's a great time to get into therapy. A lot of therapists are offering online, you know, most of them you can do on a video chat and they're offering sliding skills right now, but they could help you sort this stuff out. I also recommend that anything you could do for learning mindfulness right now, learning that meditation, breathwork, these are game changers. And since you're already on a learning path, it sounds like you're doing a lot of heady stuff right now. You're, you're reading books, you're smart, you know, you're, you're podcasting and you're trying to figure it out in your head and that's all head stuff. But why? Mindfulness is always recommended as a way to heal ourselves. I mean, probably through most things that people tell you to meditate, it's because it's more of a full bodied experience where you're out of your head, you're not thinking during meditation. I mean, you might think and then you go back to your breath. I mean, that's part of the practice of meditation. But the more you can get out of your head and into your heart, that's the part that I would focus on the most. Remembering that your thoughts are not the truth. Journaling is also really helpful and gratitude. So, kt, I want you to balance out of the mind stuff with some heart practices and that will help you and save you from those destructive thoughts that are just holding you, only holding you back from becoming the woman that you are. So thank you, KT, for your email. Okay, this is from Russell, 58 in Georgia. Dr. Emily, over the last two or three years, my sex life with my wife has been a challenge. We've been married for 37 years, after years of silently dealing with feelings of rejection and hurt, I have forced myself to talk about sex with my wife. I'm very open minded about sex and I'm willing to try anything that would make my wife crave sex. I feel like if I could get her to honestly share what she wants or needs, I could be the lover she wants. There's nothing that would make me happier than knowing what to do or not to do when we have sex. Can you please, please give me some ways to encourage my wife to participate in the process? It feels like I'm in a one sided conversation and I'm out of words. You're great at sharing ways to ask and say things that are tough getting through. Thank you for your help. All right, Russell, thanks for your email.

37 years. Congratulations. That is a long time to be married. Well, here's the thing. I believe that the best way to get your wife on board with your plan is to start considering that sex could be something that she wants to engage in again. And to get curious about it and encourage it or participate in the process is getting her to understand the benefits. Like, after all this time, I could see her going, it's been 37 years, why should I care? What are the benefits? So I want to say is, did she used to like sex? Was she into it before? Does she have pleasure? Has she had orgasms? Can you somehow do a walk down your sexual memory lane with her and remind her of, of how it used to be? You know, there's a lot of great information out there too. You know, I've got tons of shows here on SiriusXM. I've got free podcasts. Wherever you listen to podcasts, a lot of couples, you know, just need more information. They listen to the shows together. And I think that, I love that you use the words, can you encourage my wife to participate in the process? Because all these questions that you're all asking me, I have answers, but it's part of a process, it's part of a practice. There's not like one, one thing that's going to solve it all. And in fact, it's not one conversation. Especially after 37 years. You know this, you know, Russell, that there's not one quick fix, but it would be like, hey, you know, I think that it would really connect us more and that you would, it would actually, you know, being sexually healthy helps in every other area of our life. We feel more grounded, we feel more creative. Orgasms are good for our mental health, our physical health. So I don't know that I can get your wife to crave sex, but what I can do is get your wife is through a process of you helping your wife figure out what it could feel like. And that would also be. I don't know how versed you are on this, but what turns her on? What is she into? Like there's a lot that you could do. You could have a night that's just dedicated to her pleasure and it starts with a sensual massage. It starts with kissing, it starts with touching, you know, oral sex, buying her toys, having her get involved with sex again and feeling orgasm and feeling pleasure. Because I know the more we do that, the more we're involved with sex. Sex begets sex. So letting her know that you want her to experience all this stuff, you know, it is kind of like she has to experience the benefits of it know like that it can actually be healing rather than just using the words. The words are going to start to get her there and then saying, I'm going to do a night that's devoted to you. So I think it's a combination of education giving her information and experiential giving her some experience that lets her taste what is possible sexually. So those are my recommendations for you, Russell. Let me know how it goes. Okay. This is fun for Ronica. She's 29 in Missouri. Dear Dr. Emily, I recently ended things with my boyfriend of a year and a half due to lack of communication and effort on his part. He's only 25 and was not ready for serious how serious we were naturally becoming. In truth, it's kind of a relief. I've been working hard to keep the relationship afloat for a long time but the truth is we just weren't compatible. That said, I think it's because we such a strong connection in the beginning and then we were friends a few months before we started dating. As a listener, I know that you stayed friends with many of your exes for the same reason. I don't want to lose him entirely for my life because I really value him as a person. I'm wondering if you could offer some insight on staying friends. How much time is a good amount of time to take away before reconnecting? Can you help me with the situation so I don't lose my friend? Okay, yes, that is true. I have been friends with a lot of my exes. I do talk about that a lot and so. And not all of them but the ones that are worth keeping as friends. You know, I think we got to work on it. And the time that you take, okay, listen, this is different case by case basis, but I never just jumped right into friendship. I was never ended the friendship one day and the next day we were going to the movies. I needed to take at least six months to a year away from the relationship without contact. And in best cases, not following them on Instagram, no longer being friends on Facebook, really not having any contact.

Because then you're both able to truly heal. Maybe you get into another relationship, you know, you do the work. I do some of my best work after a relationship, you know, going to therapy, learning new skill, getting a new job. And then when you come back together in six months to a year, you know, you can still see do we still have that connection and that friendship. And hopefully you will. And I think if you let him know and you say, you know what, I can't wait for our friendship after all this. But in order to do that, I think we got to take, you know, you could even start with three months, right? You could even say, let's take three months. I've done that before. I've had all these different scenarios where I actually said, let's do three months. And after three months and we talked again, it was still hard. One time it was hard for me. I was like, oh, I still have feelings, even though I knew we shouldn't be together. And then I waited another six months. So really just knowing yourself and being true to yourself and knowing that you truly can be friends with someone, and I'm telling you, if you guys have that, if you have that true connection and friendship through line, I do believe that you'll be able to get back to it. And so by communicating to them why you're going to take some time, I think that you'll be able to rekindle that friendship. Thank you, Veronica, for your question. This is from Josh, 40, in Kansas City. Hey, Dr. Emily. My wife has always been very self conscious about her weight. Recently I've been increasingly wanting to explore my kinks with her. I'm very much a submissive and love the idea of her taking control in the bedroom. The problem is she's fairly vanilla and not overly creative when it comes to sex. Recently, I was finally able to open up to her and tell her about two of my many kinks and fantasies. She didn't shy away from them and we actually did one of them A few weeks ago. She used a prostate massager on me and it was wonderful. The other night she asked me where did I get all these ideas, asked if I watched porn a lot, and I told her, I do watch porn. Well, she didn't like that I watched porn because of her insecurities. How can I ease her insecurities around the idea? I'm very curious about role reversals, chastity pegging, but I don't know how to approach her about that stuff without her being insecure about it and wondering where I get these ideas. Okay, so there's a few things going on here, Josh. Thank you for your question. First off, so I've read this now a few times, and there's. This is very. There's a lot of things going on here, Josh. First off, she might just not be into some of the things you're suggesting. And maybe she's saying, you know what, the fact that you got these ideas through porn, oh, I'm not interested in them. And that might be her excuse so she doesn't have to do them. That's just a hunch, but also what I believe. And this is going to apply to all of you. If you think that you're vanilla or maybe your partner says they're not interested in something sexually, typically it's because we have ideas about sex and judgments around sex. And it could be based on our lack of education. It could be what society says. It could be based on trauma or religion or all these things. And so we're vanilla, or we're not into sex because. Or we think these things aren't appealing or attractive to us because we haven't tried them. We don't know much about them. When we hear something like porn or pegging or all these things, we're just like, no, that's just. That's outside my comfort zone. And this got me thinking about cooking. I was like, you know, just in reading this, I'm like, I've literally never tried cooking. Okay. I mean, I've made one or two things, but it's not that I don't. I can actually say I don't like cooking. I've never taken any interest in it. I'm also not, like, a terrible cook because, again, it's not like I tried cooking, and I feel like. Like the same thing goes for sex, but we're much quicker to assign labels to it. Like, I'm vanilla or I'm bad at it or porn is wrong or evil. So if we happen to be in a relationship with someone who just hasn't taken interest in sex before, like, they just literally haven't prioritized it. Just like, I never prioritize cooking. I can't say I'm a bad cook or, you know, I even don't. That I don't know if I like it. I just, I just never, like, thought this is the time of my life where I'm going to learn to cook. I had many other things in my life that have been interesting to me. And I'm still waiting for the moment where I'll be like, you know what, maybe it's this month, maybe it's during the quarantine. Like, I'll be like, you know what? Enough with the carryout. But that hasn't happened to me yet. And it just occurred to me that this is the same way. So if we're not interested in sex, well, rather than saying that, like, you know, interesting that you just asked me about pegging or you want to try anal or dirty talk, it'd be so nice if we could say, you know what, tell me more about that. I actually have never thought about it. I'm curious. But what we do is instead we just show up with judgments. We just show up with, like, preconceived notions about what it means, you know, to actually try some of these things. We assume that talking about sex or trying new things or experimenting with our partner is something that is, you know, bad or wrong. And again, we don't know until we tried it either. So I think a lot of us are just missing out on real, true experiences that are beautiful and intimate and some of the things that the greatest romance and greatest music and art and literature has been created upon intimacy and acts of beautiful sex. But because of our brains and because of negative associations around sex, we're not open. Because a lot of these emails today are from people whose partners aren't on board with what they want and what they need. And I'm not saying here, Josh, that your wife is all of a sudden going to be into pegging you. I'm not saying that. But, but, but maybe, you know, just like I'm sharing with other listeners here and their questions, like, maybe if you learn to speak to another language and say, you know what, I realize that I don't even know what you're into. I'm not sure what you're into sexually, and you might not know, that's okay, but why don't we go on a journey together? I don't want it to be all about what I need. But what do you need? What would feel really hot to you? You said she's self conscious about her weight. You know, maybe there's some things that you could do about, you know, some confidence building or self esteem, you know, what does she need to do? Has she had therapy? Has she worked on herself? Has she ever masturbated? I mean, for many women, I know that learning that your body is this magical gift that can produce so much pleasure and so many orgasms can be the thing that unlocks it. And they realize, like, I'm a sexual being. I am a goddess. This feels amazing. Has she done any exploring? Because it's almost like you guys can both adopt a new hobby together and that hobby can be sex. That hobby can be like, let's figure out together what we both like and how this works together. Because once she becomes more embodied and, you know, in her body, literally, and realizes that, you know, she's born to be a sexual being and she can figure out what she likes, she might be more willing and more likely and more open to fulfilling your needs as well. So it's really hard when we go after our partners with our agenda without considering their own. So, Josh, let me know how that goes. This is from Samantha, 20, in Florida. Dear Dr. Emily, I've dealt with OCD my entire life, and it shows up in many ways. One way it shows up is in my sex life. I've not been able to enjoy sex for over a year. I have a fear that if I have sex too much or with different people, that my vagina will be loose and I won't be able to please the other person anymore. I can't enjoy sex without thinking about my fear. Please help me understand the stigma around loose and tight vaginas so that I can be open to things I've wanted to do but haven't been able to do due to my fear. Thanks. All right, Samantha. A loose vagina is a myth. I'm going to lay down some truth for you. Your vagina will not stretch out from sex. Some things that might alter a bit. Childbirth. Now, that can cause your vagina to slightly lose some of its elasticity naturally, but your vaginal muscles aren't going to stretch out permanently. And then your vagina can go back to its natural form. But that's childbirth. Having sex with someone is not going to alter it. Don't believe all the jokes about, oh, she's loose, and all the things. So it's not going to stretch out from sex. In fact, maybe this can help you flip it around here. But the more sex that you have with partners that you're into and that you're excited about and that you learn to get, you can Learn to get your needs met. It's a practice. So I think having frequent sex or having sex with people that you actually like will help you on your journey to actually find the partner that you want. So the loose vagina is a myth. It is a myth. And you know, vaginas are going to accommodate penises very well. Now listen, if someone has a partner that is super well endowed, like I've talked to many people are like, oh my God, my partner's too big and I can't get it in. I can't get it in. Now you. There can be some loosening, but that's only if you've repeated sex with a partner with a giant penis. But that, but that loose thing is only at the opening and it's not substantial and it goes back to where it is. So all I can tell you is that you can't believe your own thoughts here. It is not true. I am a sex doctor. I am telling you that your vagina is fine. You are a young woman and I hate to see you believe someone, you know, guys like, oh, she was loose or whatever they say. And all that is just other ways that the patriarchy is keeping women down from actually enjoying sex. So that's my advice for you, sweetie. I hope that helps with your ocd. And what helps with the OCD is getting treated for it and learning that your thoughts are not the truth and learning how to combat those ants, otherwise known as automatic negative thoughts. They do not serve us at all. Thank you to my amazing team for all your work right now and always. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns. And Marcus, Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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