(Be)Come More with Bethany C. Meyers

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Or visit buyatoyota.com to find your Truck Month deal today. That's buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by fitness instructor and creator of the Become Project, Bethany C. Meyers, to talk about ways to get into your body, feel good in it, and connect to your sexuality. Topics include body neutrality, why you should always respect your body even if you're having an off day, and you know, we've all had those. Workout reframing, making modifications to your outlook and your exercise to actually enjoy doing it, huh? What a concept. Slippage: How to Better Rock the Riding Position. And Glory Holes: Thoughts on Playing a Little Dangerously. All this and more. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's got to have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks?

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I'm really excited to welcome my guest right now. I have Bethany C. Myers. Hello. Hello, Bethany.

Hi, Emily.

So glad Bethany's here. We're having a great chat. Bethany's a New York City-based master instructor known for body-positive and inclusive approach to instruction. You know a lot about body knowledge, alignment, I was watching all your tutorials. It's not about just losing weight and feeling skinny. And you also have your project, the— they can find the Become Project.

Mm-hmm.

So the Become Project is where they can find the app. Tell me about it. Tell me how you started it.

Totally.

So, and all your, your journey.

Yeah. And the Become Project. So it's basically, I was an instructor for years and years and years. Sounded like I'm really old. 10 years though. I was teaching in boutique fitness. Um, and decided that I wanted to take my workouts online. To be able to reach more people. And then I think the bigger thing that happened in the Become Project is that I realized how, how kind of toxic the fitness world can be in the way that we think about our bodies. So I think that they really try to sell us on the workout by saying your body is not good as it currently is. And so I wanted to create a place where people could work out for the reason that's not necessarily just about weight loss. Even if your goal is weight loss.

Exactly.

I think the motive is to go in and say, I want to move to feel good. I want to move for my mental health. I want to like have some me time. I want to move my body.

You know, it really is switching. So this is what I love. And I watched your TED Talk, which I thought was great. It was so, so powerful and so moving. And I— and in your journey about being in the industry and being someone who had an eating disorder and like being in the industry and then realizing like it's all about this external need to like to lose weight and then really And then you had your whole journey toward realizing is about, you know, loving your body. And I, I actually wanna know what your process was for healing, cuz that was like 4 years ago you said, and you realize that like, what I love that you said that's so motivating is that we, we know that it's right for us to work out, but it's so hard to motivate because we use this negative, we beat ourselves up, we guilt ourselves in it. We feel shame if we don't, I gotta work out, I gotta lose weight, I gotta look better. We hate our bodies. We look in the mirror, we hate everything. And I'm always telling people like, look in the mirror, like look at what you love about yourself. It's so hard to do. And there's so much pressure, right? For women and for men, we, we all have it. And so it's like, I love that, that your project, the Become Project, which is so cool, it's a great— I love like just the whole process. So congratulations because it's not easy putting that shit together.

Thank you. It's been grassroots as fuck, right? It's been really— yeah, it's been a process getting here, but it—

but amazing at the same time, right? Of course, the journey. But still, like, now that it's more like— because, okay, so I was thinking about Jamie because I've always been a workout person and I— and I've gone through phases, like maybe it was about losing weight, but it's been a long time for me. It's my head. I realize it helped I've gone through places where I was up and down, but I've pretty much always been the same weight. Weight was never my thing. People are always like, oh, you're lucky. I'm like, no, I've got so many other issues. I'm not so lucky. People are like, oh, you're skinny. I'm like, how much time do you have? Do you know what goes on in my goddamn brain every day? I barely made it here today, okay? Which is truth. But then I thought, I just somehow, because I realized when I started running first when I was in my 20s, I felt better. I got the endorphin rush. I felt like an accomplishment. Started rock climbing, and I never felt I was good at sports. And so it was all these things for me. And for me now, like, I have gotten to the point after all these years, like, if I don't do it for a few days, I need it. I have a really good— like, I love it. It's healthy. It clears my mind. It helps with depression. But someone like Jamie, for example—

me, Jamie—

and I try to get her, Michelle. I'm like, you guys, I will get you a gym membership. Like, I need you to. And she's like, I don't know how to. She's like, I just— I wish I loved it. Like, I just— and I'm like— and she said, well, do you think someone could learn to love it? And I'm like, well, I always By 25, I did love it. I didn't love it until I was about 23. But how, what would you say? Because I think your approach, Bethany C. Myers, is kind of like getting people to, to kind of learn to just hook up with it in a way that is not judgy, not blamey shamey.

Yeah. Well, it's interesting because a lot of the clientele, I mean, I have two different types of clientele. One is like a super athletic person who loves working out. Right. And they like the routines and the, the, the movement's very unique. It's almost like a dance class without dancing at all. And then I have people who are like, I hate the gym, never want to work out a day in my life. Like, no thank you. And I think the reason why people get attached to that is mostly just because of the language that's— that I use in teaching. Um, so, you know, oftentimes, look, if I wasn't in fitness, I, I wouldn't do— like, I probably wouldn't be a workout person, to be completely honest. Like, it's not— I would never just go to a gym on my own and get on the treadmill. Like, I don't even know how to do that. I have to take a class or have somebody guiding me, right? Um, And I think that a lot of times, like, I would go into a fitness class and they'd be like, go lower, go deeper, push harder. Like, come on, what, why are you resting? Sort of like this, like, very, like, bashing, almost a little bit scary. And I really like to teach from a place that's still tough. It's still like, get in there and do it. But it's like, okay, where do you feel the best? What would happen if you didn't come down? Instead of dropping, what would happen if you go to your knees? Like, it's sort of this different approach to bring people in where I feel like A lot of people have found a safe space within where like they can let their, like their body is allowed to have flaws. They're allowed to mess up. It's okay if you have fat rolls on your stomach, right? Like it's not all about getting a freaking bikini body. Like there's other things that we're talking about and thinking about. And one of the main things we're thinking about is how do you feel? So my favorite part of the app is before and after each workout in order to unlock and lock the routine. You have to answer the question, how do you feel? Um, and I think that that really starts to let people recognize, am I starting this workout feeling unmotivated and then finish feeling really energized?

Yeah.

And so if you can take the attention to how you feel after, maybe that becomes more motivating. What's not motivating to work out is, you suck, you ate too much food this weekend, now you have to go to the gym. Like, that's miserable, right? Exactly. That's why we don't stick with workouts.

Exactly. We, we use it as a punishing— if you really learn to be in the moment and be thinking about how does your body feel. I love that you have that check-in and the beginning of all your videos. What's the word? I was gonna do that when you came in, but I was so excited. I forgot. I thought I was, I was like, let's do that with you. Can you walk? Let's walk. Cause I think we, cuz I think we should all do that because I think we have to, when you can learn to name feelings and I'm certain that your journey through not really being in your body when you initially started out and then the journey you've been through feeling out, like what do we feel? I think feelings are hard for people sometimes. So I love like anytime you can be like, what am I feeling right now? Like I've done a lot of this mindfulness training. It's like, Okay, right now my feet are on the floor. You know, I'm feeling this plastic chair. It's getting dirty. How much shit have I like spilled on this chair? You know, but I'm here now and I'm present. Okay, and I'm talking to Bethany C. Meyers. You can find her @bethanycmyers, M-E-Y-E-R-S, and @thebecomeproject. I think what I love also about your videos, your workout videos, first of all, do 'em at home. You could do 'em anywhere. And I love it because I do now the kind of practice that you're doing. It's more, um, like, uh, Pilates, yoga based. It seems like some of it is, and it just are the positioning and you give modifications cuz I have a bad back. Yes. And I feel like I've hurt myself in classes when they're not like afterwards. I had this with an instructor recently and she said to me, well, why didn't you tell me you had a bad back? I'm like, there's 20 people in here and I wasn't gonna go up there and tell you. But she's like, well, don't you know the mod modifications yet? I'm like, no, I don't. It's a fairly new injury. I was working, it just pissed me off.

Yeah, I've actually started—

can't go around, but you're doing that in the delivery and making people feel good. Totally.

So I've actually started, um, not even calling them modifications, I just call them alternatives. Because what I realized is, you know, a side plank, like if you don't have a good shoulder, you don't have a good neck, there's a good chance that you always need to be on your knees in a side plank no matter how strong you are. And I, I'm kind of like over this idea where it's like, this is the harder version and this is the easier version. It's just two different versions. Versions. What feels best on your body. And when you're doing things that feel good on your body, right, then you're working it in the right way. Then it's a different relationship, and it's not like every time I do this workout my back is killing me.

Exactly.

Um, so I think that I would— I like the idea of finding power and figuring out what our body needs, which essentially body autonomy, right?

Exactly.

What do I need at this time? So then a big part of my job is to make sure that people know all the different ways that they can do something.

And you do it seamlessly. It seems like it's effortless in that way. So it's, it really is your gift.

I really like telling people what to do.

Do you like telling people what to do in the bedroom?

Um, sometimes, yeah.

Yeah. Do you feel like you're more like dominant, submissive?

Dominant.

Okay. Oh, okay.

Yeah, very dumb.

Very dumb. Okay. And you're—

so yeah, I guess I do like telling people what to do.

Yeah, that— no, that would make sense. Yeah, I don't at all. No, I mean, I do.

Not at all.

No, not even really. Just on the show. I barely tell these girls what to do. No, but I think I want to be more submissive. But I was saying that you could switch. Some people, we could learn to be more dominant, more submit, you know, in the bedroom. But mostly we have one side that we lean towards, right?

It definitely depends on who I'm with, right?

So you're with— let's talk about your— if you— let's talk about you. Okay, for a second, let's talk about your— so you're with men, women? Women mostly. Women, tell me, because I mean, you're mostly right.

Okay, so you've met my spouse, um, who is born male, identifies as non-binary, uses they/them pronouns, as do I.

You use they/them pronouns too? We could talk about that. They/them. I was afraid— I mean, I've done this, but I feel like I don't want to mess with that. Okay, it's just— know that I care. Practicing a language, it is an important language. I know. I don't think that you would.

No, because I— because I actually I remember times when that was like really hard for me when I started, you know, having friends who use they/them, and I had to like— I had to really practice.

You have to practice.

It's just like learning a language, right? It's a way of speaking. Um, and so I think oftentimes people are very intimidated by the words because they don't want to offend someone. But I try to look at it from a place of like, it's just learning how to talk, and this is just a more inclusive way of speaking.

Exactly. Okay. Yeah. So they— that, right? So what would you correct somebody? So how would we explain that though exactly? So I wouldn't say she— so Bethany, you'd like her— they— I would Yeah, they— Bethany is here today, we're really excited to talk to them. To talk to them.

Bethany is here today, look great.

You do look great and you sound great. And so, okay, so what about— and you're in an open marriage.

Okay, so I'm in an open marriage.

Let's talk about that because people are often confused by that. They, they're intrigued, they're not sure how it works, how do you get past it. And you've had a lot of experience, so how does that work for you?

You know, it's a topic I talk about often, and honestly, it's something I'm still figuring out as far as how I can help other people. Something that's interesting about the relationship itself is Nico and I have kind of always been open. We've known each other for 13 years. There's been times that I suppose we dated monogamously, but like, neither one of us are monogamous people, so we just cheated on each other and then, you know, like easily got over it. It was like, whatever, I don't care kind of thing. We're both queer. You know, as far as my identity, like, I'm married to somebody who has male parts, but I wouldn't ever consider any other guy. Like, in every other way, I'm a lesbian.

He's the only guy, right? He's the only guy.

Like, the only guy.

Yeah.

And I can't—

they're there. That works.

It's fine.

See, it's my job though. I'm with you, right? Okay, so how does it— and how would you say that being in your body, like, this work that you've done— because this is one I go back to for a minute— because how is it— how has it improved just your sex life overall? Because coming out from a place of starving your body of nutrients and restrictive, like a lot of us do. We, we are, we are, we are. Whenever you talk about self-love, I remember it was a big light bulb moment when I realized that self-love was like, it not only is it words, but like the little things that you do or like eating the bad foods or the negative talk. It just happens all day, every day. It can if you don't monitor it. So you learn to like really get into your body. How has that helped you sexually, would you say? Yeah. Because I would think when you were out of it, well, it's, I mean, even more than, I mean, it's helped me sexually.

It's— your body is everything, right? It's like this home that— it's not everything, it's the home that we reside in though, and it's this physical manifestation of ourselves. And so that carries into every single aspect. What I found is at the height of my eating disorder, at the height of my body bashing and really, really just being super uncomfortable in my skin, was also at the height of my most disconnected sex.

Oh right.

And like sexual encounters where I was like, I don't even— I don't care who it is. Like, just like, I mean, honestly, like, I feel like really disrespectful to my own self. Yeah, this is like, whatever, you can be an asshole but you can still fuck me, sort of thing, you know?

I just like didn't—

like did not care. As I started to heal and really started to focus on like I'm only gonna move for reasons because of my own mental health. Like, I'm gonna stop doing workouts because of anything that's exterior, and I'm only gonna work out for things that are interior. And then like, I'm gonna spend every day like literally standing in the mirror and being like, I love you legs.

I love you. You really do. Let's talk, because I totally do that all the time. And that's part of your program too, that you give these tips, or just part of your way of life. It's true. Look in the mirror.

Yeah, I mean, you have to. And there was definitely a time where I was like, oh, that's so cheesy, but But it really does help, especially on bad days, which I still very much have, like all the time, right? I'm not this perfect, like I'm super body neutral and everything's great all the time. It's like, some days it sucks. But talking to yourself is really helpful. Reminding yourself that like the way, you know, what helps me is the way that you, like I'm feeling this way about my body. Because society has painted a picture of what is beautiful and what is perfect. And this is an idea that's been sold to me. It often helps me to take it to like a bigger perspective. I, you know, I don't know if that helps other people.

No, I think it absolutely does. I think that is a really big shift to realize that like you can have the agency over your own, your own body, those own decisions, and then stopping the negative. Because it really is true that we see— I remember I was at this, um, The, the— this woman was selling lingerie at the flea market. I just love this example. And she was saying, it's just so— all the, the Melrose Fairfax Market, have you ever been to the— I have. You know, it's a great market. She's independent. She was saying, I'm selling stuff, she'll have women come in that— two women, same day, different body, it's like same body type, same exact. And one comes in and she's like, I look so hot, I feel so good. And then someone else the same, and she's like, oh my God, I could never wear this. And it's like And, and, and to everybody else, like, that is a— we all have that choice in every moment to decide to love the body that we are in and to have this notion that it's supposed to look any certain way. And I do think we're getting certain places in society. We're seeing all different size bodies, like, in advertisements, and people are being a little— but we're still got a long way to go. So I love that, that this app is really about— and what you're doing, your whole movement, is about just helping everyone just being on this more body— not even body positivity, Being like neutral, 'cause positivity, even being body positive is kind of stressful. 'Cause if you hate your body, you're like, I'm not gonna be positive, but I could be neutral. And that's a good place to start if that's where you need to start.

'Cause we often do things that set ourselves up to fail. And the idea that you can be positive about something 100% of the time, like I can't think of one thing in my whole life that I'm positive about all the time.

Me neither.

And so then we're like, you need to be body positive. And then you have days where you don't feel super body positive and it's like, oh, you failed at being body positive. It's just like so messed up, right? So I, so I use the word body neutrality with the idea that some days you love your body, some days you hate your body, all days you respect your body. Um, and I go back to that often where it's like, okay, today I don't feel great about it, I'm gonna accept that and acknowledge it, but like, I am more than just my body. This is not the only thing that I am, right?

There's so much more. Yeah, so much more to you. I think that's a great— I think that is such a good message. Really? So how do you feel? How has it been going? What's the response been to, to the Become Project?

It's been, it's been amazing. It's honestly, it's been very heavy in a good way. Um, it's an emotional, like it evokes something very emotional in people. And, um, the stories that we get in from clients is this really powerful thing. I mean, of people being like, I did the workout in my underwear today, and this is the first time that I've stood in my underwear and really looked at myself. That's a huge thing.

That is a huge thing.

For people to be like, I'm feeling more comfortable. We've actually had a lot of people saying that they're feeling more comfortable around their spouse and that their sex life is a lot better.

That has to be when you gotta move your body.

100%. And it's really cool to have people writing being like, you've improved my sex life.

Yes, that's what we're all about here. You know all about this, right? Yes, no, all day, every day. But that's it because it is the life force. So what I also wanna explain to people, and this is something that I'm just like, ah, if we don't move our bodies, like our life force, like our, like the pelvic floor, I mean, there is so much tension and there is so much that we hold memories. We hold stress and tension. And that actually prevents us from like, you have to move your body to have better sex. I mean, and I hate to be like, you got it, but you do. And we wonder why sometimes I hear from a lot of, I hear from men and women, but a little bit more women who are like, I don't know why I'm never in the mood and sex has gotten boring, but like, I don't have time to work out and I can't do anything. And like, a lot of times a lot of things start in there, but you have pain. But we have to learn to like strengthen our core, do exercises, and that gets you— the more you move, the more you will want sex. Your blood's flowing. Your blood is a little stagnated if you're not doing right.

Yeah, I honestly haven't thought about it that way, but you're absolutely right.

Yeah, I mean, it's really when once you start moving, and that's why even couples do it together, like if they like It's just— and that is something, because when couples play together, I would say they play together, they stay together. But it's true, when you move your bodies together, it's hot.

It is.

Or take a class or do something that's, you know, challenging both of you. You get that dopamine, that serotonin, that connect— connectivity again, right?

So, and gaining your own, just your own stance, like understanding what it feels like to be inside of your body. I'm really big, like, in my instruction, I've always been this way. I'm really big about putting the mind into the muscle. Yeah, put your— put your mind into your body. Where do you feel it? Where do I feel, like taking yourself mentally there. And I think that that's just so important to really be inside of yourself and understand what you feel like.

Well, I think that— okay, yes, I'm so glad you brought this up because that is so hard for me. That is something that personally I've had to learn, and that has been a journey where I literally would have— like, I remember like 20 years ago I had a therapist say to me like, well, where do you feel this in your body? And I was annoyed. I was like, I don't only feel anxiety, I feel it everywhere. So I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have emotions in my body. I don't feel it. And it took me a long time. And that's from a lot of us have dissociate. Things happen in childhood. I had trauma, things happen and I had to learn and I'm still, it's always a journey. Mm-hmm. Because we can numb out, we cannot feel things to feel things. So what is your process with people? Because if someone said that, would I wouldn't have known. I don't know if I would've caught it. Like, what do you feel in your body?

I'm like, I don't know.

I'm just trying to do the, get my arms right. But how do, what are the, like, what's the language that you would use to get someone to really like stop and go, where am I feeling this?

Yeah, I think, well, to put it into movement, right? I mean, when I'm doing a certain move, I'm of— I'm helping evoke the feeling.

Yep.

If you're doing a glute exercise with me, your ass is going to be on fire, you know? Like, yes, I'm helping encourage that by the position that we're doing. And then I'm like coaching a form to work people into a spot. So what often helps is to, is to figure out, to figure out if you're feeling it in the wrong place in order to feel it in the right place, right? So it's sort of using that, that like back and forth. Does that make a little bit of sense?

Yeah, no, totally.

Are you feeling it in your knee? And if you shift your butt backwards and do this, can you then feel it in your butt? So you have, you have no other option but to think about those places.

Exactly. And that's what I let you— and you do that throughout, right? Do you remind people that? Because this is what pisses me off in classes too, when they don't tell you And I'll say this to my instructor. I'm like, well, where am I supposed to be feeling this right now? Cuz I don't know. And I'm such a perfect— I'll feel like, am I doing it wrong? So to keep having people, and then that's what keeps you like to keep saying you should be feeling this in your left, in your right hand. And you know? Yeah.

Well, if you know where you're supposed to feel it, then you can adjust. I mean, so my main job for years was being a teacher trainer. I trained instructors and I'm obsessed with the format of teaching and how you're supposed to teach and like what cues make someone understand something and how you use your voice against the music.

I mean, I could go on for hours and hours.

Yeah, um, but that is that, like, teaching other instructors how to teach is one of my favorite things. And that's one of my number one things I say is if you tell people where they're supposed to feel it, it helps them better adjust their body to get there.

Absolutely. I think every single instructor— those are my favorite instructors. I'm like, thank you, like after yoga, like thank you, because I've been doing it for yoga forever, but I still need to remember that my shoulders have to go over my hands, right? Or don't be— because you just keep going back, you know, you keep going back to how you're used to doing things. So to keep correcting. So, okay, I think I know that people are like, wait, I kind of got to go back to your open relationship thing because I cut you off. Let's go back. I know that people— because you're in a successful one, and I would just like— or you're working on it. And I think I love your language, a work in progress, right? We're always working on it.

I think it's working on it. Super success.

I do.

I think, I think we have a really successful open, like, as far as how we interact with each other. What has been hard right now, or what I'm struggling with right now, is who, who am I dating? Who are like the people who are into the open marriage? Who are the people that are okay with the fact that you're married? Who can get it? It's, you know, the idea of what marriage is, is so ingrained into us. We're so ingrained to like only know what a monogamous relationship looks like. And I know that there's— I know that there's more, you know. I know that it can be something else, and it's I just— that's been the hardest thing is finding other people who are on board.

Yeah, well, I think that you're doing a lot of educating in all different areas of your life, so they just have to understand what it means. But it's hard though if you're like saying it's just for sex, right? If you want something more than that, you never know what things are going to be like if you have energy with somebody. Yes, I think you're gonna find people. Why don't you focus on your work right now and then it'll—

if anyone out there, I mean, like, I'm telling you, check out Bethany.

How long are you in town? Looking for love? Check out Bethany C. Myers. How is it hard for you? @thebecomeproject, @bethanycmyers. Um, we're doing great work and I'm super inspired by you, and I want everyone to check this out. @thebecomeproject, @bethanycmyers. I got 5 questions for you, quickie questions that we ask our guests. Okay, so I need you to help. You need to answer them. You need to.

Okay, I'm very excited.

No pressure. Okay, good. Okay, something that you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Um, it's not a sin. I was raised really religious.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so it's okay to explore. Masturbate.

Yes, masturbate.

I always bring it back to that, right?

Right. Say every— me too.

It took me way too long to find it and experience it.

Yeah. How old were you?

Like late 20s.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I mean, to— I mean, granted, when I was young, I was like hanging on like the pole of my bedpost, like I was doing—

oh, you were right, but you didn't know. You felt shame, or weird, right? And it was like, you're from the Midwest too, right? You're from Missouri? Yeah, yeah, from Michigan. Yeah.

And then the first time that I like really went in with my hands and like, like did, like did it full out, you know, put all my heart in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you got to do.

I was like, holy shit.

Yeah, where have you been my whole life? Who the fuck is this?

It was amazing.

I have to say, the more you work out, move, I always want to like masturbate after I work out. It's all the blood flow.

It's a good thing.

Totally. Okay, something random that gets you in the mood.

Something random that What gets me in the mood is a steam, like bathing.

Yeah, steam shower. Yeah, I did that today. I just, I did.

I moved to a new building and there's a steam room and it's the best.

It really does, it does. It's hot, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, biggest, uh, dating deal breaker?

Uh, the jealous, crazy.

Yeah, I didn't get to how you get through jealousy. An open thing.

You know, I, I really— I don't know if it's me. I feel like I tend to attract pretty crazy people.

Okay.

Or like people that like love the drama stuff.

So yeah, I don't know, you'll start to recognize it, but then you can't— like after a while you'll be like, that's—

if you see it, it just recently happened and I did, I saw the red flag and I ran the other way.

You got it right. Good. Yeah, good.

I felt very proud of myself.

That's good. Surprise. Just keep doing that. Keep it. Then what do you mean? They won't even be— they won't even be in your— right, right. But then you'll realize you're like, that can't even come into, right? Yes. Okay, how many am I on here now? I'm just having a chat with you. Okay, we've got, um, how would you describe your, um, sex life in 3 words?

How do I put into 3 words? Need to find someone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Oh my God, this will not be a problem. Check out my Instagram, we're gonna take some pictures at Sex with Emily, um, and you can see that Bethany's also a beautiful soul. Okay, number 1, What, uh, you can choose here. Number 1, sex, dating, or relationship tip. See, number 1, you can pick one.

Sex, dating, or relationship tip. Um, well, I'll talk a little bit of— I'll say something about jealousy is understanding that love is not finite. It's more, you know, like it's not like a glass of water where if you drink some it's missing. It's more like a candle and you can light other people's, and love is much more expansive than we think.

Yes, exactly. Your ability to love many people. That's a good answer. Okay, thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you, Bethany, for being here. This was a blast. Find them at Bethany C. Myers and at The Become Project on Instagram and at thebecomeproject.com. All right guys, we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we're gonna get into your emails. All right guys, I live for answering your questions. Like, I look forward to it. It's just why I get out of bed in the morning. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, Fill out the short form, totally easy, or just email us feedback@sexwithemily.com. However you do it, just remember to include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. Okay, Jamie, you want to do a little reading of the questions here?

But of course. Okay, this first one comes to us from Blue, 54, New Jersey, and she writes, hi Emily, love your show. I've learned so much and I know my body and what I want. One problem, I don't seem to be able to do cowgirl with my partner. I'm having trouble getting on and having him stay in me. Help! Never happened to me with my previous partner. Do we not fit? Sex is amazing between us, but I can't figure out what the problem is. Thank you.

Hey Blue, thanks for your email. This is interesting because, I mean, I know I'm not there. I kind of wish if it was legal you could send me a picture or a video or something to see what is actually going on, what's happening, why you're slipping out, why he's slipping out. I think if you just get closer to him and like, you know, you might be used to kind of moving up and down and kind of being a little bit more looser with your movements, but I think if you get closer to him and then you lay down on his torso so your body's on top of him, your breasts are on his chest, and you're using more of the back and forth grinding motion, that could really help you. I mean, I think what happens with a lot of women is either they think it feels good or it feels good for the partner or they see it in porn, the bouncing up and down, and mostly it's more of a grinding back and forth. He could also just hold onto your hips. I know I like that when I'm on top of someone and they're pulling me back and forth because then that's grinding on your clitoris and then there's no room for him to really slip out and just do shorter movements. Minutes. And also, I'm telling you, Kegels— if I have to mention them every day for the rest of my life, I will. I'm up to the task. Kegels are your, your masterful secret to having incredible orgasms for men and for women. You know, those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. They're the ones that contract and relax when you're having an orgasm. So if you strengthen them, like, by doing them 5 minutes a day, like, that could also help you with the grip if that's part of the problem, part of the slipping out. Another thing is, are you wetter than usual or less wet? I don't know what's what's going on with your lubrication. So that's just something else to think about. Pay attention there. Maybe if it is too wet, have a towel by the bed. I think everybody needs to have a towel by the bed. So that's all I got for you here. That's what I think. Those are my guesses. But you know, you'd be perfect, Blue, to call into the show Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM on SiriusXM. Even if you don't have SiriusXM, you can call in, 888-947-8277. And also talk to him about it. Like, I don't know if you're like, oh no, I'm embarrassed, I'm slipping out. Just be like, hey, yeah, this is weird. You don't have to say it's never happened to me before because nobody likes to hear that. Like, you're the only guy that I've had this weird thing happen with. He just feels bad. So mostly he's gonna be like, you know what, it's interesting, I just find I can't quite find the position here, the way our bodies fit. Let's figure it out together. So you're not just like awkwardly doing different things and he's like, well, what's going on? So okay, Blue, let us know how it goes or give us a call.

Okay, this next one's from Mark, 55, in California. Dear Emily, I have a small ED issue in that I can get hard but have problems sustaining an erection. The bigger problem is this is now leading to performance anxiety and my brain starts shutting down the erection. How do I get out of my brain and get my confidence back? I'm reluctant to have sex as it becomes frustrating to me. I have a mate that understands but also gets frustrated. Thanks for any recommendations. I need my swagger back.

Yes, you do, Mark. I get it. Anytime there's some kind of weird thing happening in the bedroom, it is hard to have our full game on. So you have a small ED issue. So, you get hard but have problems sustaining erection. Okay, so you, as you know, it's probably, it's common, you know, 55 years old for men. You know, a lot of things are happening when we get older, loss of testosterone, there's like the, the plaque buildup in your penis that is sometimes the problem. There's a lot going on here. The first thing is that like it happened once and then you're like, oh my God, it's going to happen again. And then you're like, am I going to get hard? So, you're right. You're right to know that a lot of it is performance anxiety. A lot of what we deal with sexually is in our heads. So the more you could be, you know, the more you could practice being mindful when you're having sex with your partner and just even when you're on your own, just practice like the mindful practices. Essentially, when you're having sex with them, you are focused on all of your senses, like everything that's happening in the moment. You are feeling what it feels like to be inside of her, your, your hands on her chest, on her hair, your breath. Like when you guys could breathe together. I mean, lighting the candles, having the music, all of your senses engaged. Cause when they are, it's, you're less likely to be in your head. But I also understand, you know, that it is a practice. So you have to be patient with yourself. The other thing I just want to mention is that if this is something having to do actually with just, you know, getting older, which we all have to deal with, I don't think we've brought this up yet, James, to the podcast audience, but I've been wanting to tell you guys, I've been so excited about these amazing new technologies that can help with ED. And they're pretty miraculous. Like when I heard about them at a conference like a year, year and a half ago, I was like, oh, are you telling me that men could come in and get, you know, use sound waves or, you know, do a few laser treatments with a doctor and fix ED? Like, is that real? And I gotta tell you, it actually works. It's pretty miraculous. You don't need a pill, which I love anything that doesn't give you a pill. There's one called Gainswave. Now, Gainswave uses sound waves, essentially breaks up the plaque. So, that's what's happening while you're no longer able to stay hard, is the plaque in your penis builds up in the blood vessel, vessels, which happens over time. So, what it does, what the sound waves do is they break it up so that allows for the better blood flow, because what's happening is your blood is not able to flow all the way through to the erection, so it gets soft. There's also another one called Boston Scientific, and just feel free to check these out. They have a lot of different surgical implants that help men over 40 just kind of combat the issue. Get them more into a healthy sex life. So I don't have a penis, but from penis owners, I've really heard some amazing things. I've interviewed some of the doctors because I don't like, you know, I will never talk about things that I, I don't know for sure, but that these are being heralded by a lot of experts in the industry. Boston Scientific Gainswave, um, 4ED. So those are some new solutions, and I think a mindfulness practice for sex is great for all of us. Bus, including myself.

It's crazy, the technology that's coming out.

I know. And for women too. Women, if you have urinary— I'm just going to say, if you have urinary incontinence, you have pain during sex, you have urinary incontinence, means like you sneeze and pee, happens to a lot of women after childbirth or just as they get older. There's some other things, like there's a chair called EMSELLA by BTL as a company, and you just have to Google this and see if people have in your area. You can sit fully clothed on a chair that kind of vibrates. It feels good. Not like you're not going to be having orgasms in the doctor's office, but you sit on this chair and it uses gentle electromagnetic technology to kind of work your Kegel muscles and strengthen your pelvic floor. It does 11,000 Kegels in 30 minutes. You have to go twice a week for 3 weeks and, and it helps with orgasm, lubrication. It can help women with, um, uh, urinary incontinence. And then there's other things too, lasers and just things that help you with all the pain during sex or something called Ultra Femme 360. So we'll get into more of that. If you have questions, you can let me know, but So keep your lookout there, you guys. You don't have to like take pills or do weird things to actually have a healthy way of dealing with some sexual challenges that have been around for a long time, but now with new solutions.

This next one comes to us from Dominique in California. Hey Emily, about a year ago I made a switch to a non-hormonal copper IUD. It's been great for my sex drive and responsiveness, as well as leveling out my hormones. The downside is now I always have irregular periods and random spotting. I oftentimes use a menstrual cup or just a liner on light days and can't really predict when things will start or stop. I've been dating a guy I really like for the past several months and the sex is great, only getting better, but it's hard for me to figure out when to ditch the period supplies as things are getting hot and heavy. Do you have any tips for feeling less awkward about period sex and staying in the mood while fumbling around with a menstrual cup in the man cave bathroom? I should probably just go—

man cave bathroom.

I know, I love that. Dude. I should probably just go ahead and have an adult conversation with my guy about it, but it feels so unsexy. I honestly have no idea if he's even noticed why I sneak off into the bathroom. I appreciate any advice since I'm sure this has been an issue for many a lady before.

Oh yeah, Dominique, it has been. And I love period sex questions.

Same.

We haven't covered it. Because we all, half the planet is dealing with this. And I'm gonna tell you, Dominique, that I was, before I became this, Sex with Emily, I was like you. I was like, I'm not gonna talk about it. It's so embarrassing. Like, what am I gonna do? It's so awkward. We never talk about periods. It's the least sexy thing on the planet. Like, if women talked about their period, I'd be like, why? I would go to the bathroom with a like if I was in an office with a tampon up my sleeve so no one saw it, and I'd hide it. And it's like, I think that that just stuff just needs to come to an end. I believe that the more you confidently lead with, yeah, I've got my period, so we're gonna have to put down some towels. Maybe you could bring over some beach towels. I'm assuming if he's in a man cave, he probably doesn't have clean towels, let alone extra towels. How old are you? 20? She didn't say.

She didn't say.

Okay. But I'm just gonna say that's just something, you know, bring it along. I just feel like you, we all really have to talk about it more. And we love Dr. Jolene Brighton. If you listen to a podcast we did with her, with her, it's amazing, and she talks all about the birth control pill and the period and different things that you could do to deal with hormones and all that. So, different diets and foods you should be eating. But period sex is messy, you guys, I get it. Since you don't know, maybe it's better to just put down a blanket every time. Also, shower sex, super hot. We love shower sex. I know we've done a ton of blogs about it and stuff you could check about on our site. If you have sworn off period sex during your period, like if you don't actually want to have sex because sex positions can be more painful, you can do more gentle options like spooning or missionary position that might make it a little less, more like bloody, if you will. Because if you're staying in one place, like if you're doing the spooning position, you're staying in one place or missionary, like you're not moving around and flying around and doing like doggy style and all this stuff. And then just make sure that you're playing with the depth of penetration. I know for me, I sometimes during intercourse, I have more pain sometimes during my period. I don't often want sex, so I kind of have to play with it. So angles are great, putting pillows underneath your pelvic floor, um, underneath your back. So if you want to, you know, move around and just find what works for you. Also, you don't have to have sex. Remember, foreplay is huge. Foreplay is important all of the time. And it can even be hot because sometimes your hormones are in overdrive. You're super turned on this time of month. And so you might just want to like maybe some mutual masturbation, use some toys. That could also be a great time to kind of explore with that, making out more. I'm telling you guys, kissing is the first thing that goes in long-term relationships. Rather than swearing off sex completely, if just because you're like, I can't have penetration, even though you're not saying that, but like having this be the time where you You practice your massage on each other, you make out, he plays with your breasts, which I think that people don't do enough. Way more breast playing. Breastgasms are a thing. Breast orgasms, super popular, and you got to work at it, but you can do it. Teasing your partner, having him tease you, and having him kind of play with you, because you guys know that the teasing part, the arousal, the part of sex before sex when we're all really turned on, sometimes that can be the hottest part. So the longer you can draw that out, the arousal, the teasing, the better sex you're gonna have. And also, you guys, when we do orgasm during our period, FYI, you do release biochemicals that can also relieve menstrual cramps. Did you know that? Also, just so you know, there's also Flex Cups for penetration or Fun Cups by Fun Factory for oral or just for more shallow penetration. But yeah, I think the more you're like— I mean, here's the thing, I do think that you're like, "Oh, I got cramps," and "Oh, I don't feel good, I'm bloody." Like, I don't know, like, I think more just being like, "Yeah, got my period, so it gets a little messy, so why don't we just throw down some blankets and just kind of keep going with it, or jump in the shower after. Always have baby wipes by the bed, or they could get Freshies. Yes, they will be out in 2 weeks, a few weeks. They're amazing, you guys. You know we love Woo More Play Lube. Well, now they have these things called Freshies. They're for women. They wipe you up before, during, after sex. You just throw them in your purse. I am obsessed with them. So I think the more you just take control of the situation— your guy loves you, he's with you, he's, you know, this happened— I think the more that women kind of own up to, this is what I'm going through, this is my period, and let's take precautions and not be all like, I can't, and not talk about it, you know. I think the better off we're all going to be. Let's have the men understand.

Most guys actually really don't care either.

They don't care. They really don't care. Um, and I actually can tell you that the guys that have cared were not my guys for many other reasons. But like, the guy who I've told, he jumped out of bed. It's like 10 years ago, something. He like, the second I had my period, but he like jumped out of bed. He's like, we have to shower, like blood everywhere. And I understand if you haven't but he was like 30. But the point is, there are some people who just aren't into it and you can't force them, just like they can't force you to go down on them when you don't want to. So it's a case-by-case basis. But the guy, like when I was in a hotel room with him in San Francisco, an ex-boyfriend, and it was one of the first times we had sex, and I swear to God, it was like a murder in there. It was like a blood scene. Like I didn't know I was gonna be part of a bloody murder scene. I did not know I was getting my period. It was like all over the wall. Like it was not pretty. And it was a little embarrassing. And he was like, cool, whatever. Like he's like, remember that blood? Remember that crime scene we left at the hotel? It was like a joke.

That's hilarious.

And he rolled with it. And it's fun because that happens. It's women. We're great. We give life, we give blood, we give birth, the whole thing. So let's roll with that.

Okay.

Okay.

This next one comes to us from Scott, 44, in Canada. Dear Emily, my wife and I have been married 10 years and have a great sex life. We have friends that are into the lifestyle and we flirted with the idea of some play with them, but my previous wife cheated on me, so I can't see myself being comfortable with it. But we have been to a few sex clubs and only played together, including myself and her through the glory hole, which was fun. On our last trip, we tried the glory hole again, and she was able to play with a couple strangers, mainly handjobs and blowjobs with condoms. But the last one, I encouraged her to ride it. Needless to say, we had a blast. We don't know or see the other person, so I don't have any feelings about it and actually enjoy it, and she gets to have sort of threesome fun. I think this is a good choice for those seeking to try and push boundaries with a little danger, but what are your thoughts?

Okay, my thoughts, Scott. This is a great question. I don't know that I've gotten a glory hole question, and I've gotten thousands upon thousands of email questions and questions in the last 14 years. I don't know if they got a question. I usually thought about more in the gay community, more so. I think the thing about glory holes is it kind of, first of all, it really depends on the cutout in the wall. You gotta be careful of cuts and scrapes and bacteria and all those things. And just, you wanna make sure it's done well and done hygienically, that no one is getting hurt. And I would say, just be careful, be, you know, I'm really glad you're using condoms. You have to keep using condoms. And I would just say, make sure to pay attention to to the thing. I know you can't see much, but just whoever you're touching and that you're in a safe place and that, I mean, I guess you are using condoms, but still inspect. Take a look, take a look around. I'm glad you guys are getting off on this and you like the dangerous part of it. However, you've been with this new wife for 10 years and you're in the lifestyle, you flirted, and, and your story, your previous wife cheated, but that was 10 years ago. And I get that, or before your, this wife, so who knows how long ago. And I understand that kind of sticking with you. That's heartbreaking. And that's so devastating. And it really causes you to lose trust with everyone essentially. But what I'm saying is there's a new story here. Like, that's kind of an old story that you're holding onto. Like, she's gonna cheat. She's gonna cheat. You know what happened with your, your ex-wife. And I get that, but maybe there's some repair around it that you still need to do, like trust. And then, and then also extending that to your new wife, because it feels like things have been going well with her. And so maybe you no longer are in that risk of, of someone cheating on you and leaving you and going through with all that pain again. That's no longer the situation that you're in now. So knowing that and being able to work through this with your current wife might allow you guys to explore other things in the lifestyle that maybe are also satisfying, exciting, dangerous, and not limited to the glory hole.

Mm-hmm, I agree.

But I'm not going to tell you not to do the glory hole. Just be safe and, um, take a look at where you are now. And maybe, maybe she's, you know, desiring something else too, but she doesn't want to bring it up because you've talked about the cheating, but that's an old story because you're in place. And I think we often forget that we're carrying around a whole lot of baggage that no longer serves us.

This last one comes to us from Alexandra, 23, in Spain. Hello Emily, I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and our sex life has been good. I moved to Spain in July from England and we are currently living together. The past 2 nights we've tried to have sex but he hasn't been turned on. So yesterday night I tried to turn him on and still wasn't happening. He said to me that I wasn't feminine enough in the bedroom, that he felt that I was like a man, which made me quite upset. And I'm worried that he will lose interest in me and the relationship. Is there any chance you can give me some advice on being more feminine when it comes to sex? I've not had many sexual partners or experiences, so this probably influences as well. Thank you.

Hey Alexandra, thanks so much for the question. Here's the thing, I think there's so many differences between the way men and women handle challenges in the bedroom, or challenges in life actually. Women have this default towards blaming ourselves and thinking that we're doing something wrong, and I often think that men sometimes It's easier for them to blame the partners for something going wrong than really looking at themselves. Not all men, but this is what I've seen. So you said the past two nights you tried to have sex, he hasn't turned on, and he's blaming you for not being feminine enough. And I'm just going to challenge that because I'm not quite sure what that means. He's not putting enough words on it. It's actually kind of hurtful to hear those kinds of words from your boyfriend. Maybe he's been masturbating all day and can't— and here's different scenarios. He could be masturbating and he can't get up. Maybe he's drunk and couldn't get up.

Get it up.

And yes, there is the possibility for sure that there's something else he requires from you in the bedroom to be turned on. But to say you're not being feminine enough and not giving you enough information is not fair. And I also want to say, the fact that you haven't had many sexual partners or experiences doesn't mean anything either. It just means that you're now with a partner that you get to ask those questions to. I'm telling you, the number of people we've been with does not dictate our level of success in the bedroom. It's more about being present with every partner you're with and like really saying like, okay, so what does— like, let me know more me more about what turns you on. When you say feminine enough, tell me more what you mean by that. How could I do it differently? And maybe he'll say, like, for example, let's say that in his mind he thought of that as feminine enough. What comes to my mind is like, perhaps he wants to be more dominant. Maybe he wants to take control in the bedroom. You know, I feel like it's more feminine to kind of be more in your body, maybe breathing more. You know, for me, get breathing more and kind of like turning myself, making sure like I'm turned on or touching myself. And it seems to be more feminine to me, perhaps. I mean, all I can think is by him saying you're not feminine enough means that you're more masculine. All I can think is that you are dominating him. You're climbing on top of him and just pulling his pants out or giving. I can't really, I don't actually really know what that means.

Yeah.

So I, I, that's why I like hesitate for you to kind of put this label on yourself without getting more information and like beating yourself You're 23 years old. You haven't had enough years on the planet to be whatever kind of experienced lover you think you should be. And no matter how many people you slept with, it still doesn't mean that you've experienced or you have skills. It's more about the things I'm talking about here, which are communication, asking him what he needs and also what you need. I'm curious if you've had orgasms. I'm curious if you've masturbated. I'm curious if you've actually gotten into your feminine, which is our feminine energy. And if you've gotten into that, kind of know how to like, you know, make yourself feel good. Because I know at your age I barely knew how. I just heard about masturbation and I was more in the mode of pleasing and I might have been more masculine when I think about it in the sense of, I don't know if I was, I was more about pleasing them than I was myself. And so to me, even if he doesn't say this, there's something about never not knowing our own bodies and not having the kind of pleasure we need to have where your energy might be more towards his and you're not getting your needs met, which people— he can read that. So that's just a way of saying go back for some more information. If you love this guy, he's your boyfriend, and just listen, and you can let him know what feels good to you and what's not. And then also make sure that you're taking care of yourself and you're also asking him for some things that you need in the bedroom. Because even if you don't know yet, you could even say to him, well, I would like to know how to have more pleasure and more orgasms. I haven't done it yet. I'm gonna masturbate. Want to masturbate with me? We can do some mutual masturbation. So So, you know, he can ask for his, but you need to ask for yours, and I'm just caveating, 'cause some— caveating, is that a word? Here's a caveat, caveating.

I like it.

My caveat is that I'm just gonna make an assumption that maybe you haven't totally done all of that, 'cause a lot of younger women have not done that work around figuring out their bodies and what feels good.

And it seems like he's not initiating, so if you wanna have, it's either not even attempt the sex or do what she's doing almost too.

—Yeah, say that again, he's what?

—Well, it just seems like she's the one that's been trying the last few nights. —Yeah, exactly. So that's interesting. —And so if he's not initiating, then it's kind of like, well, then how is she not supposed to be dominant?

—Right, exactly, which is a very dominant role. So yeah, say, what does it look like for you to start sex? Like, what turns you on? Ask him what his turns on, and then you tell him what your turns on. You know, I love the bucket list. You check down 3 things you love and you exchange a list. I mean, I think that there's a lot here, and if you guys can go a little bit a little bit deeper and have some exploratory conversations that I promise you, when you have these hot, sexy, erotic conversations with your partner, it really just does the work of turning you both on together and being more closer and having more intimacy. So I think that will answer your questions. Alright guys, thanks for the emails and for the great show. I hope you enjoyed the interview with Bethany. They're awesome. Check out all of their things in the show notes. Also, thank you Jamie. Mm-hmm. You're fabulous. Michelle. Ken, Michael. I love my whole team. I love you all. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.