Best Blow Job Ever

Just remember this also: the penis, if you have some just like, I don't know about penis, or I have some fear around the penis, it's attached to this person that you really like. So instead of treating your partner as some detached foreign object that you need to perform on, it's just as much of your partner as, say, like their arm is. So your ultimate goal is to give your partner the gift of pleasure, just as you would kissing them on their lips. You're listening to Sex Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, we're talking about blowjobs. Yep, this is kind of like an oral sex masterclass, and you're invited. You're here, so we're covering all of it. On today's episode, I share everything you need to know about oral sex on a penis. Also, I take your oral questions like where to start as a beginner, How to enjoy receiving and giving, and what to know when pleasuring an uncircumcised penis. Oh, and what to do if you're struggling to swallow. So don't blow off this episode. Why would you? I'm going to help you bring your oral sex game to the next level. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How can it help you? My intention is to make you feel more confident during oral sex, whether giving or receiving, because listen, oral sex is so intimate. And yes, this is a blowjob show. By the end, I hope you feel authentically, deeply empowered so you can walk into your next oral sex sesh with more knowledge and more confidence, 'cause you got this. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Respond When Your Partner Can't Stay Hard, is up at sexwithemily.com. Oh, and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, just leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline. You can do that, 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Oh, totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Before we get started, I just want to clarify some things about the term blowjob. I don't love using this term because it's not very technical. It's not— you're not actually blowing. And if you've noticed, you've been listening to this show, I use a lot of the, you know, talk about penis, I use penis, and talk about vagina, I say vagina or vulva, vulva. I just like to keep it with the terms that we all understand and not a ton of slang. So for the majority of this episode, I will be referring to the act as oral sex or oral sex on a penis. I don't know, I might be saying some blowjobs in here. It's a lot easier, but just something that I chose a long time ago when I started this, just to kind of keep it with the official terms as I'm speaking about sexual acts. Also, this show is dedicated to all things oral when it comes to penises. Because we all have so many questions about this topic. But remember, vulvas love oral sex too. In fact, I'm going to do a show just for vulvas, so don't worry about that. But in the meantime, please check out any of my previous podcasts. I had a podcast called Everyone Loves Oral that has a lot of vulva oral sex in it, or my articles on my website, 6 Oral Sex Tips for Going Down on a Vulva and Mind-Blowing Sex in Under 5 Minutes. The Kivan Method. This is also going to be in the show notes, so don't worry about it. And please remember, oral sex should be reciprocal. If you are giving, you should also be receiving. Sometimes there's only room for one person to have oral sex. You don't have a lot of time. You know, I understand that. But overall, it should be equal. Like, you got oral sex on a Tuesday. You know, someone performed it on you. You should give it to your partner the next day. You get what I'm saying here, right? Feels good for all of us. So everyone has to start somewhere, am I right? And if you've never given oral sex to a penis before, don't worry. I have everything you're going to need to know to really go at it like a pro. Let's just run through an anatomy course real quickly because I think it's important. Every penis owner is different, but let's just cover some general anatomy and erogenous zones for penis owners. Alright, the penis consists of the shaft, the glans penis, and the frenulum. The glans penis, or the tip of the penis, is the head of the penis, has the most nerve endings, and typically that can be the most sensitive spot. Now, some penis owners, if they have a foreskin, they like having it pulled down to the base of the penis before stimulation of the shaft and the tip. You can also stimulate the frenulum. The frenulum, just think of it like your new best friend. That's the skin between the tip of the penis and the shaft. And you could circle it or you can, you know, use your thumb and pinch it. The scrotum, the testicles. So the scrotum, which is the skin surrounding the testicles, is a pleasure point that stimulates the testicles simultaneously. You can try pulling on the scrotum, experiment with rubbing and gently scratching the taut skin, especially over the testicles. Or you can even just start with holding them in your hand and seeing how your partner reacts. Not everyone's going to like their balls played with. They just won't. The prostate gland is also known as the P-spot. Now, the prostate gland is an internal organ located between the penis and the bladder, and you can stimulate the prostate gland from inside the rectum. Some people find it easy to locate the prostate with lube and a gloved finger, but you can also use a sex toy like a dildo or a butt plug or a prostate massager. I'm just going to say here, doesn't make you gay. Doesn't mean anything's weird if you want to try it. It just means that you have a penis and you also have a prostate, and that can feel incredible when stimulated correctly. Okay. The perineum, also known as the taint. It's located between the base of the penis and the anus. That skin area in between. It hardens when the penis is erect, and you can try massaging the perineum with your fingers or place your palm over the perineum and just hold it there. And you could also use a vibrator over the hand when it's, when it's resting over the perineum. But this area, again, because it's indirectly stimulating your prostate and there's just so many nerve endings around there, that could feel really good as well. Now, the foreskin. Not everyone has a foreskin, but it is that retractable roll of skin covering the end of the penis. Now, this is only present for penis owners who are uncircumcised, and I will, will, will be giving tips and how giving oral sex is a little bit different for uncircumcised penises later in this episode. So now we're going over the anatomy of the penis. Here are some other things to know before you blow. When it comes to oral and really any kind of sex, it's just hot to go slow. I think a lot of us rush to sex. We start making out and then we go right for the genitals or right for penetration. But just like everything, go slow. So don't go right for the penis. Start with kissing and massaging their entire body. Their chest, their inner thighs, teasing their outer thighs, and really build up the anticipation by teasing and by touching. And don't be afraid to use your hands. In fact, I encourage it. Your hands are a huge part of a blowjob. Sucking on the tip of the penis by using your hands to stroke the shaft is a great way to stimulate the entire penis without having to fully deep throat, which I think is overrated. Plus, it works well to give your mouth a break in between. I also want to say wetter is better. There is nothing worse than a dry hand or a dry blowjob. And I love lube. You can get a bottle of flavored lube, which is delicious. We recommend a bunch on our website. Some of it is like mint chocolate chip and you're like, okay, this tastes good. I can give a mint chocolate chip blowjob. So once you start giving oral sex, pay attention to your partner's reaction. Is their breath changing? Are they moaning? You know, these are things that you can tell right away. Are his eyes rolling back in his head? Use these reactions as clues for what is working and know that you can also ask him like, does this feel good? Is there anything I can adjust? What do you need? So once you find a few things that work for both of you, just move between them and change up the sensations to keep it exciting. There's also a great article on my website titled How to Give a Better Blowjob, which walks you through this process step by step. I'm going to give some more tips to really elevate your oral game, but remember, one of my top tips for giving great oral sex is enthusiasm. So make some noise and enjoy the act, and you're all going to have a good time. So let's talk about elevating it. Now I just explained some of the basics. Sensation play. Oh my God, this is such a fun way to experiment during oral sex is playing with all the different sensations. So in addition to using flavored lube, which is really fun to do and tasty, try popping like a Listerine strip or ice cube in your mouth before going down on a penis. And this will allow them to feel new sensations, making the experience even more exciting. You could also go from cold to hot, like you could have an ice cube in your mouth and you could breathe on it with your mouth. So that's like a hot air. And then a cool ice cube. There's also warming lubes and cooling lubes. So anything that's going to deal with sensation and going to stimulate different nerve endings is a good time. All right. Go for the balls. See if your partner likes it or not by starting with a very light touch. And then you can hold their testicles in one hand while you stimulate their penis with your mouth, gently massaging the balls in your hands. And then you could also try to swirl your tongue around their testicles. And then you can take and go in circles around each one or figure eights around both. And then you can gently suck them if your partner's not too sensitive and you can like tuck one into your mouth. Do you notice a theme here? There is a theme. And that theme is gentle. Be gentle. Okay. Next, apply pressure to the perineum. So while stimulating your partner's penis with your mouth and maybe a hand, use your other hand to apply gentle pressure to their perineum. Now, this is the area between the base of the scrotum or the balls and their anus. And this area is packed with nerve endings so they can feel really good when gently stroked or pressed or tapped with a finger or two. You can like tap it, press it, you can just hold it. I think it's going to be pleasurable for your partner if you've never tried it. But remember, they show you what they like. They're going to show you, they're going to moan, they're going to make a noise. You can tell. So you want to be connected. You want to do the noticing. Make sure you keep noticing what feels good to them. All right. Stimulate the frenulum. Okay, so think about it. If you were a vulva owner, just lick and stimulate the frenulum as if it was your clitoris. You can go up and down, side to side. You know, the Kiven method works here too. This is a method for going down on a vulva, which you're going to have to check out on the website, which is a great article. But like, play with different speeds. It can be gentle, slow licks to quicker movements. You know, there's just different ways you can play with it. But again, yes, the frenulum is the most sensitive part of the penis. It's actually where the foreskin was removed. So if you don't have foreskin, you have a frenulum. And that's why it's so sensitive, because it still has erectile tissue there that has so many nerve endings in it. But, you know, I was with a partner once whose frenulum wasn't that sensitive. He's like, no, it doesn't really do it for me. So I'm telling you all, it is a— I'm giving you the general overview, and I want you to pick and choose what works here and try it on the penis of your life and see how it goes. But just because one penis likes something, doesn't mean all the penises are going to like something. Toys. That's another way to elevate your sensation play. If your penis-owning partner has never used toys during penis play, oh my God, you're going to rock their world. You could use a vibrating cock ring and move it along the shaft. That can feel great. You can hold a vibrator to their frenulum or their perineum as you stimulate them with your mouth elsewhere. So think about all these sensations. You've got like a vibrator, on their perineum. You could, you could just have using your hand and then you can just take one of your vibrators even and just rub it up down their shaft, tease around the tip, play with their frenulum. It doesn't have to be a special penis toy. It's just the act of vibrations. That's why I always say vibrators are for everybody, no matter what your body part. I mean, vibrations are going to feel good. So play with it with oral. You can even blindfold your partner so they don't know what's coming next. That's really fun. Okay. Deep throating. Remember, you do not have to deep throat if you don't want to. But hey, if you're looking to simply relax your throat during the act and only go as far back as you can, that's great. I think that deep throating is a little bit overrated, in my opinion. I think that it's a lot of what we see in porn, like, like there's this person gagging on your penis and that's really hot. I don't want to hear it. Maybe I'll hear from a bunch of people like, that's not true. It's the hottest thing in the world. But I just don't like all these people giving oral sex and penis feeling they have to go deep throat, choke, and throw up on the penis. I just think there's so many other fun things to be doing in the bedroom or wherever you're giving blowjobs, and that's just not one of them. Now, listen, if you are looking to lessen your gag reflex because that happens, just try taking a toothbrush to the back of your throat and like scrubbing your tongue for a few seconds, kind of like working out. You just hold it back there in the back of your tongue. And then you just like right to the point where you're about to gag. If you do that for like a minute every day and you keep moving the toothbrush a little further back and a little further back, your ability to hold this position without gagging is definitely going to get better over time. Let's read an email. This is from Francis, 25, in Wisconsin. Hey, Dr. Emily. So I'm very inexperienced when it comes to sex, and my boyfriend, who's very incredible understanding, is really wanting to do more with me. Including me giving him a blowjob. He does go down on me and I really want to return the favor and pleasure him, but I have no idea what I'm doing. Help! I get a lot of different variations of these questions from people who feel that they've never done it before. So obviously you'd be wondering how to do it, or maybe you just feel insecure because you feel like your partner has been with people who have a lot more experience. And let me just tell you this. There is a first time for everything. And what I love about this email, Francis, is that you are with a trusted partner who cares about your pleasure. He's already giving to you. And I think that is really important. I'll say it again. I say this probably on every show, and I don't mind saying it, and I hope you hear it. Being with a trusted partner makes a huge difference when it comes to having great oral sex or really any kind of sex. It's hard on a random It's hard to have great sex with a random person. It really is. I mean, like, they don't know your genitals. You don't know why they're really doing it. You don't know if you trust them. It's a whole thing. But you or Francis are coming from a good place with a partner who understands that you haven't done it before. And I'd say the most important part about oral sex, about giving oral sex, is enthusiasm. Show your partner that you're into it, that you're truly into it, to being there. With some moans, some noises, even smiles in between licking. Make eye contact, you know, and I know it can be hard. I know this really might be hard to be enthusiastic about something you haven't explored before. But remember, sex is supposed to be fun. And just remember this also. The penis, if you have some just like, I don't know about penis, or I have some fear around the penis, it's attached to this person that you really like. So instead of treating your partner as some detached foreign object that you need to perform on. It's just as much of your partner as, say, like their arm is. So your ultimate goal is to give your partner the gift of pleasure, just as you would kissing them on their lips. So when you're licking, like, think of it like it's the most delicious ice cream cone you've ever had and you just don't want a drop of it to fall on the ground. And you can keep your tongue moving in a nice, slow and steady pace. You can also play with applying pressure through suction and put your lips over your teeth so you don't actually scrape his penis. But you can also, like, play with the suction in that, like, your lips are kind of pursed and you can just be, like, sucking while licking. But this is, again, this is something that you're going to experiment with and you're going to get used to it once you start doing it more. You don't have to remember all of these, but maybe just a few as you're going. You can even go back and listen to this episode a few times. 'Cause I'm giving you a lot of tips here. All right then, Francis, you got this. Thanks for your question. I know it's gonna help so many people. This is from Lauren and she writes, hey Dr. Emily, I feel crazy doing this, but I know you'll probably make me feel much better and more confident. I have a weird situation. When I was 18, I had to get double jaw surgery. My jaw was literally wired shut for about a month. I was still a virgin at the time and only I'd given head once. After my surgery, I had a lot of healing issues with my jaw. It's painful and I have good days and bad days. My biggest issue that affects my sex life is sometimes I just can't open my mouth wide enough to get around a guy's penis. It's so embarrassing. And sometimes it's fine because the guy's penis won't be that big. But recently I started dating someone and we've been having sex for the past few weeks and I've yet to give him head because I'm so freaking scared that I'm going to hurt him and he's going to go off and tell his friends that he doesn't want to be with me. He's bigger than my ex. Though, and I'm all for giving head, but how do I have this conversation with someone new without scaring them away? It's not that I can't give head. I just might not be able to get the majority of his penis in my mouth. There's a lot of pressure on girls to give good head and deep throat, and it kills my confidence because I'm really very sexual and I want to make my partner feel good. I know if he doesn't understand my issue, he's not the guy I should be with. But if that's the case, I will have to have a conversation with yet another person at some point, and I don't know how to bring it up. Thanks for reading this. I'm desperate at this point and I want to be able to be my fun sexual self. Well, Lauren, thank you for your email. Thanks for listening to the show. I feel like you get what I was going to say is like if someone rejects you for something you want sexually, they're not your guy. But I also understand that you want to be able to have this conversation as you should be able to have this conversation. First, you've got to take the pressure off yourself. You're being really hard on yourself, but I understand it's really nerve-wracking. And so You know, I get it. There is a lot of pressure and all those things, but you're going to do great. You're very sexual. You're going to find ways to make this work with the right partner, I promise you. So as far as having a conversation with him, I think you have the conversation like I always say, outside the bedroom. Maybe when you guys are talking about whatever, something intimate and say, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. And so when I was younger, I had this surgery. I had my mouth literally wired shut. I've learned how to give really great blowjobs, but with my mouth doesn't always go all the way around the penis. And I've got to get creative with things. And sometimes it's during oral sex and or it's when I'm eating a hot dog or when I'm eating a hamburger. You know, you could just kind of make a joke out of it. Like maybe you guys are at a meal and you try to bite something. It's a little bit too big. You say, oh, by the way, I sometimes have a hard time putting things in my mouth, but don't worry, like I really want to please you or something like that. Like make a joke out of it. So he knows. So I don't know how comfortable you are with this guy, but I think you guys, most people are not going to freak out when you are honest and vulnerable and real. Most people are going to be like, oh, okay, tell me more. Because you guys, they don't know. Like, he doesn't know what that means. I don't think he's going to be like, oh God, she can't give a blowjob. I think he's going to be like, oh, this is interesting. I care about this person. Or, you know, thanks for sharing. I'm telling you, a great blowjob has a lot to do with hands. So, I just wanna say that. Not your teeth, but your hands. It's all about applying enough pressure, playing with the tip. You know, you could do the two-handed moves where you go up and over, swirl your tongue around his corona, you know, the tip, you know, that's where the ridge of the head meets the shaft. It has so many nerve endings. You can like gently suck the tip of his shaft. You can work up to licking along the length of it, lick his testicles. Well, massaging his shaft with your hands. You could also use something that's great, a helper for blowjobs too. Go to our website, check out our store. There's like silicone blowjob, handjob helpers that you could use over a penis. You could also stack your hands on top of each other and form like a tube and then put your mouth at the top of the tube. So your mouth is at the top of the penis and then just you move your hands up and down the penis for stimulation along the whole shaft. Without having to put it all in your mouth. And you're going to find that so many more people are open to hearing your real stories and your vulnerabilities than they're not. But we're so afraid of being rejected that we hold all of these things in. These, you know, we're only as sick as our secrets. And a lot of us hold so much in and it doesn't allow us to really flourish and be our real selves with anybody. So you're okay. You're going to be fine. Next email is Adrian, 37, in South Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your podcast. I'm so happy I found it. I have a question for you, which is not as much an issue as it is just needing advice. First, let me say I love going down on guys. It's one of my favorite things to do in the bedroom. No problems at all in my past. I'm told I'm very good. It turns me on so much, and honestly, I usually swallow. It's just easy to clean up that way. Well, I've been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years now and I love giving him head. The only thing is he comes for long periods of time and there's always a lot. I love that about him and he's never said it bothers him, but it's too much to swallow and I kind of feel bad because sometimes I end up gagging on it even if I'm not swallowing and it feels messier. But I just wish I wasn't struggling with it and gagging and spitting it up because it's too much. I don't even try to swallow at all because I know I can't. It has nothing to do with the taste. Now listen, he's never asked me to swallow. He's just really happy to get a blowjob and he loves it either way. I just want to know if there's more options not to gag so much. Okay, listen, I think you're already doing it. Listen, sometimes you can swallow a little bit and not the rest. You can just swallow and let the rest come out. You could let some come out and then swallow a little bit. There are no rules here whatsoever. And I think that you're doing all the right things. I mean, if you're gagging on too much ejaculate, then I just say, then don't take it all in. You could also go a little bit deeper if you'd like and have your partner ejaculate in the back of your throat. But it sounds like there's a lot coming out, and I'm going to guess that you've already tried that before. Now, it also helps to have a glass of water by the bed, some juice, some mouthwash so you can rinse your mouth after, and that can help with the swallowing. Process. But you sound like a really enthusiastic partner, Adrian, and your partner is very lucky to have you. You know, I can say is you can make it a little bit easier, but you also shouldn't put the pressure on you. It's still a great blowjob. It's still okay to not swallow at all. In fact, I've asked partners this before because I was like you, Adrian. I just always swallowed. I thought you had to swallow. I didn't even know you had an option not to swallow when I was younger. I was like, I'm going to be the A blowjob student. I'm going to swallow. But it turns out again, I've been with some partners who are like, don't care so much if you swallow. Or I even said to a partner recently, do you want me to swallow? Like, would you rather have me just swallow, like back in my mouth when it's coming out? Or do you want to like see it? Do you want it to go other places? And he's like, I like to mix it up. So just like he liked to mix it up, I'm going to assume that your partner likes to mix it up. And there's no rules here. Remember, Adrian, there are no rules except for to be attentive and kind and to also take care of yourself. Alright, I'm gonna take a quick break, but stick around. When I get back, I'll be answering more of your email questions. This is from Meta, 25, in San Francisco. Hey, Dr. Emily, I was wondering if you had any tips for pleasuring a man with an uncircumcised penis. I'm looking for penetrative and oral sex tips. The guy I'm seeing is super giving in the bedroom. We've not had full penetrative sex just yet. However, I'd like to be as giving as he is. I'm just really nervous I'll hurt him or do things that are pleasurable for circumcised penises but not for uncircumcised ones. We're new at this thing, so I don't quite feel comfortable asking what works best for him because I don't want him to feel embarrassed by his uncircumcised penis. I also don't want to seem like a novice. Please help me. Thank you. First, let's just talk about the basics of an uncircumcised penis. What is that foreskin? It's a thin piece of skin that covers the head of the penis. So if someone is circumcised, the entire flap is surgically removed, leaving the penis head exposed. Now, if they're not circumcised, the foreskin is going to grow as they grow. And you know, like most penises look like little mushroom heads. Like they're drawn to resemble these heads. Well, an unretracted foreskin covers up that head, so the penis looks like a smooth shaft. So, now you want to be really gentle with the foreskin because the foreskin is packed with nerve endings. So, uncircumcised people with penises feel more stimulation. The only thing is the foreskin takes a little bit of care. But in general, your uncircumcised partner kind of knows what they like and you can kind of follow their lead. In fact, It's great to do some mutual masturbation with a partner like this because you can see how they actually touch themselves, if that's something that's been kind of making you nervous. So the thing about the foreskin is you want to make sure that you always have a lot of lube. Feeling the foreskin slide around while giving a handjob or a blowjob, it can be really, really hot and also makes things a little bit smoother. And then also when it's inside of you, you know, you get to feel the foreskin kind of going back and forth inside of you. And let me tell you this, a circumcised man has about 10,000 to 20,000 less nerve endings than an uncircumcised man in the head of his penis. There's really not that much different that you have to do here. If you're giving a blowjob to somebody with an uncircumcised penis, it's going to feel good. There are so many nerve endings. There's a lot more sensations. You don't have to do as much like vacuum sucking or licking around. It's going to feel good. You kind of use that foreskin is going to be your friend. It's going to be helping you make things feel that much better. And once you start doing it, you're going to know what I mean. But trust me. And again, always pay attention to your partner and his reactions. And you can always ask him for some tips. Ask him how he likes to hold it and touch it and all that. But you're going to be great. And I appreciate this question because it comes up and I think it's important that we all know. It's nothing to be shameful about. I don't want anyone like, you know, nothing to be worried about. It's just another penis in front of you for the first time with some extra skin on it. A little bit of fun skin with a lot of nerve endings. This is from Avery, 20, in Boston, Massachusetts. Hey, Dr. Emily and crew. First off, when I started listening to your show a meager 3 months ago, I was still doing deep work to overcome so much sexual shame. On Sunday, I made my sexual debut and I'm feeling really good about it. I have a few questions. I'm gay. Should I be using a condom for oral? I feel that might be a major turnoff and also not a common practice, but I know that STIs can be passed through oral sex. On the same line, I was so surprised I didn't like sucking a penis the first time. I kind of expected it to taste like something, but it was so bland. Any advice on getting more into that? Finally, I get bored easily. If we've been kissing for 10 minutes, I get bored of that. If we're doing oral, I get bored of that. I feel like it's partly that my partners haven't been the most creative, but is it normal to get bored after a while? You're the best. Thank you, Dr. Emily Morse. All right. Well, Avery, congratulations on your sexual debut. This is so exciting. These are all great questions. Let's just tackle them one by one. Do you need condoms for oral sex? Listen, oral sex is less risky than penetrative sex, but you can get an STI and it can be transmitted through oral sex. So I'm going to recommend that you do use condoms or dental dams. During sex. I know it's awkward. I know it's not gonna be comfortable, but if you're worried about an STI, it is the safest way to go. So, some options for protection. You can use condoms. Flavored condoms are great. Hey, flavored condoms might help you enjoy sex even more. I really like skin condoms because they are thin condoms. They're durable, but they're thin, so you have a lot more sensations. And listen, I know that you feel weird about the condom thing, so you can literally say something like, I feel so much more comfortable using condoms during oral, which means I'm so much better at it, which means I can be much more into it. Like, trust me, you'll love it. You can also make eye contact and give them a look like, I can't wait to get this on you rather than like sheepishly pulling out a condom and like, I know it's weird, it's awkward. That's just not hot. But if you just pull it out and just do it and look at them as you're rolling it down their penis, deliver it in a confident way. In a sexy way, they'll be into it. If you're bored, I think that, you know, you got to be patient with yourself. It was your first time. But I also think that there's some kind of connection. It's important to be connected to your partner because I think when you have a connection with them, you're not just checking off the list and giving a blowjob. You're going to be much more present and much more mindful and much more connected. I think that you're really in your head and you're noticing like, where am I going? Or why am I— I'm bored of the oral and I'm bored of, you know, these are things you've never done before. So I just think that maybe there's a part of you that's a little nervous. Maybe you still have some shame around it. So just, you know, some mindfulness work, some breathing will help you and know that you're just learning a new skill. And when you're with someone that you really care about and you feel connected with it, that you trust, I think you're going to find yourself way more into it. Okay. Good luck on your journey here. Thanks for your question, Avery. Okay, so now we've talked a lot about tips and tricks to overcome some concerns and how to enhance your oral game. But I got to be honest, a lot of penis and vulva owners alike have a hard time receiving oral sex. So many feel the pressure to orgasm from oral sex and to be able to orgasm right away. And then we get stuck in our heads because we can't orgasm and it becomes a whole thing. And I know how it is. You're like lying there watching the clock. You're thinking about, is it really taking this long? Or you're thinking about what you're going to have for dinner instead of like sitting back and letting go and surrendering and focusing on your pleasure. So let's get in and how to receive like a pro. All right. This is from Ryan, 30, in Yukon. Hey there, Dr. Emily. I've recently been referred to your podcast by a good friend, and I cannot get enough. So I'd like to start with the fact that I'm so very grateful. Thank you. Now into it. I've always had a hard time staying hard while receiving oral. I love receiving and giving, but I find myself much harder while giving. I am consistently trying to learn and develop as a lover, and my current partner really enjoys giving oral. I love it when she goes down on me. Such a turn-on to see how she enjoys it. However, like mentioned before, I'm unable to stay hard most time while receiving. Our current workaround is a 69, which is kind of a win-win. However, I want to be able to stay hard for her without needing her vulva in my face to do so. In my sexual past, I've climaxed no more than 10 times from oral, and most of those were in a higher risk of being caught situations. So I'm wondering if you have any tips or tricks on helping me stay hard. I've also been visualizing and daydreaming about it while gently touching myself, envisioning me being hard and coming to orgasm. Yet when in the act, I still lose it. Thanks a ton. Your show and the space you create for freedom of sexual expression is a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much, Ryan, for your question. I appreciate you so much. You really like receiving, and there's some kind of thing that's happening in your mind that it's hard for you to receive. Maybe in your life you've always had to be the giver. You've always had to take care of things. You are a super attentive person. It doesn't feel good to have all the attention on you. I think that for a lot of penis owners, they were raised in environments where they have to be in charge. They have to know everything that's going on. And when it comes to sex, well, they know their way around a woman's body. They have to know how to please somebody. They have to finish at the right time. They have to stay hard the whole time. They have to always be raring and ready to go for sex. Do you realize how much pressure there is on the society of penis owners to be just raring to go at all times and hard? So I think that there might be some of that that I'm hearing here, and we have to undo that conditioning. It sounds like you're with someone that you trust, but for everyone listening, it really does help to be with someone that you trust and you feel safe with. Now, is this something that you've talked to her about? Just talk to her about it. Just to say, hey, sometimes this happens, might make you feel a lot better or might make you take the pressure off yourself because you feel like, oh, she knows about this. So it's no longer this like, I got to stay hard because I'm telling you, If you're worried at all about what your partner thinks, she's probably not thinking about it. She's just happy to give you oral and make you feel good. So we got to rewire some programming in your brain. And I'm telling you, breathing, breathwork, breathing, breathing, breathing is one of the most important things you can do during sex. In fact, I know someone who had a very similar situation to you, someone that I was actually with, and he realized that he held his breath the whole time during sex, during when he was receiving all of it. And when you like really truly learn to breathe deep into your pelvic floor, it calms down your nervous system and it allows you to truly like lie back and relax. So, you know, you're doing this visualizing of you being hard. I would visualize you breathing, deep breathing. There's a great app called Breath, and it's a free app in the App Store, and I download it and I just do 3 minutes of breathing every day. So it's a great way to practice. Just, you know, a lot of us are shallow breathers. And so for my friend, he was able to stay harder and ejaculate in ways that he wasn't able to in the past because he learned to breathe. Because when we're not breathing, oftentimes we're clenching and we're in our heads worrying that something is wrong. I feel like the breath is also going to help with the anxiety because you probably have some anxiety around this. So do you know when it happens? Can you pinpoint like, the moment that you start to lose your erection, because the fear of that is what's going to actually make you soft. This is going to take some work on your own. Like, I'd love you to practice some mindful masturbation, practicing your breath. And the key is like understanding your own body, like during solo exploration. And then you can communicate your needs to your partner because you're responsible for your own orgasms. So remember, all I'm hearing here is a little bit of performance anxiety, and we all have it no matter what our body part. So I definitely want you to talk about it with your partner. You don't have to play it cool. I believe that emotional intimacy is really, really sexy. If you practice some mindful masturbation while visualizing receiving oral sex and breathing and sharing this with your partner, I think you're going to find in no time you're going to be able to have the kind of oral sex and receive the kind of oral sex you deserve. This is from Tom, 51, in Alabama. Hey, Dr. Emily. How can I relax and get over my anxiety about fellatio? I've had some negative experiences with oral on me. I'm larger than the average guy, and in the past, teeth and penis do not make good bedfellows. Now I'm in a relationship with an insatiable woman, a dream partner who wants to please me orally, and although she's amazing, I am struggling to remain erect and enjoy it. We're talking about it, and she's patient, understanding, and I feel like I'm letting her down. By the way, I have no issues with getting, maintaining an erection, even climaxing multiple times in a session. But oral, well, it's my nemesis. I love giving oral, could camp out and live there 24/7. It's just her going down to me. Do you have any tips? Thanks. Enjoy your show and appreciate all you do. All right. Well, we've already talked about some anxieties while receiving oral sex, but this is an important opportunity just to talk about the importance of honest communication during oral sex. What if you let her know that I really want to learn to receive. Here are some things that happened to me in the past. Would you be willing to work with me on this and figure out what feels good and what doesn't? Because I'm really not sure. And I believe that if you're with a partner that is interested in you and your pleasure, she's going to be down and she's going to be like, let's make this right. She doesn't want to be wasting your time. And just like vulva owners, we get caught up in performative sex, pretending we like something we don't, doing something that feels good to our partner but not good to ourselves. Penis owners also get performative pleasure, performative receiving. So just moan when it feels good. Give your partner honest feedback. This goes out to everybody. Please be honest with your partners. It's okay to stop in the middle and say, oh, you know what? Can we take a breath for a minute? God, I really liked what you were doing up earlier when you were swirling your tongue around. That felt really good. And I think we should just hold off on the hands for a minute. I mean, wouldn't you want to know? Like if you're getting a massage from someone, let's say you've gotten a massage or somebody is doing something to you, to your body. You know, it doesn't feel right or you want an adjustment. You want to tell them. Sex is the same thing. And I promise you all, it gets easier over time. You're going to give feedback about a meal you're eating. You're going to give feedback about maybe a work you're doing, a movie you're watching. Why can't we all just give some honest feedback about sex? Can we all start today? I think we should. Jessica, 28, in Canada. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love your show. I learned so much. So my boyfriend and I used to have the best sex. I wouldn't be able to stop bragging about it to my friends. He introduced me to new positions and moves, along with giving me more confidence in the bedroom. But recently, I went to go down on him—love going down on him—and he rejected me. As a woman, it's very hard to be rejected. This has happened every time since. He won't let me go down on him. So I asked him one day, out of the bedroom, TTT, which means timing, tone, and turf, why don't you like it? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough? He answered by saying, no, it's not a me thing, but more of a him thing, and didn't go on to explain. I find it very odd because the first year of our relationship, all I did was go down on him. He'd crave my blowjobs. He winds up talking about how good I am and how I give the best blowjobs in his life. I hope you can help. All right, well, first, way to go using TTT, timing, tone, turf. I love it, love it, love it. This sounds like a communication issue. I think you gotta talk to him again. And while I love that you did timing, tone, and turf, we gotta remember tone. Tone is light and it's curious and it's asking questions. So it's saying something like, you know, babe, I know I brought this up last week. I'd like to know a little bit more about what is going on with oral sex. I've noticed you aren't as enthusiastic about oral as you used to be. That's totally okay by me, truly. But I've got a growth mindset around sex and I'd love to understand. So if you can give me some insight into the change, then maybe we can grow in this area together. Maybe he has some anxieties around receiving oral sex. You can check out some articles we have. It's an Ask Emily Morse. How do I better enjoy oral sex? And maybe, you know, things have become more comfortable for him. But I just think that you have another conversation with him where you listen and you truly have to be okay with whatever you hear. But most of the time, this stuff is not about us. It's not about something we did. It's not about our bodies. We always think it's something we did wrong, but usually it's about them. So let's find out and let me know how it goes. I can't wait to hear. And thank you so much for your email, Jessica. You got this. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, date, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.