Best Of: Are You Benefitting from Your Friends With Benefits?

The healthiest relationship possible that we are ever in are defined, they're understood. Because remember, the relationships where we truly have the best sex and the best connection and the best energy long term is when we feel safe. And the only way we're going to feel safe is when we know if this person has our best interests at heart and that we both want the same thing, we're moving towards a similar goal. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Casual sex, and specifically friends with benefits arrangements, have become increasingly popular. But are you cut out for these types of relationships? In this episode, I shed light on what a healthy FWB situation should look like and how to reevaluate if you're not really benefiting from your friends with benefits. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles: 10 Ways to Use Lube During Sex, and 8 Ways to Masturbate Better in the Shower are up on sexwithemily.com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. I've been hearing from so many of you about friends with benefits, so we're devoting today's episode entirely to this topic. You all wrote in with some amazing questions, but before we get into those, I want to give you a few things to think about as we walk through this concept. Just 'cause it's popular doesn't mean it's right for you. All right, number 1, let's just define our terms. Friends with benefits refers to a friend, it might be a casual acquaintance or it might be your BFF, that evolves into a sexual relationship. And the sex is the benefit. Let me give you an example. I have a friend in college and she called me, she said, "You'd be so proud of me. I have a friends with benefits." And I said, "You do? Tell me more about that." And she was like, "Well, I went to his house, he ordered Chinese food, I gave him 3 blowjobs, we fell asleep, we woke up, we played video games." So it's friends and we have benefits. I'm like, okay, tell me about your benefits. What was your benefit? You gave him 3 blowjobs. He didn't go down on you. Like, what is the benefit? So remember, benefit is the key here. You wanna make sure that you're not suffering or waiting for the person to actually fall in love with you, or it's painful in any way. This is a relationship that makes you feel good, okay? Now it's different from casual sex or even one-night stands. Or random hookups because you actually have an interest in this person beyond sex. You care about them. You're emotionally invested in their well-being. You'd lend them advice if they're down. You'd help them carry boxes if they're moving. Maybe you'd even give them a ride to the airport. And perhaps you'd share some meals with their family. You might meet their mom, you know, hang out with their siblings. They are your friend, okay? Very different than casual sex where you actually might not know much about a person. For many, I have found friends with benefits is a stopover moment. It's a temporary arrangement. It lacks the permanence you'd find in other romantic relationships. You're building a life together, you're planning the future, you're talking about having kids and buying a house. You know, you wanna take those relationships to the next level. In other words, it's just a temporary arrangement. You still wanna be friends, but it's temporary until you want something more, like a committed relationship with someone that you wanna build a future with. Now remember this, it's likely you might find that you want this with your friends with benefits. You just thought they were a good friend, then you start having sex, and then you decide, I wanna have a whole brood of children with this person. I wanna build a house. Now, ideally they'd want that too, but a lot of times they don't. And this is where we have to all be clear on the risks and the rewards. The risk is somebody catches deep feelings and somebody else doesn't. But friends with benefits is also an ongoing arrangement until someone or both of you want out. It requires more rules of engagement upfront to be successful and fulfilling. It requires excellent communication and frequent check-ins with one another. There's more at stake with an FWB than something casual. Because if you're truly friends with one another, you want to make sure you're able to stay friends. All right, next point is self-assess. Are you a good candidate for friends with benefits? Well, here's a few questions to think about. Are you looking for, currently in an FWB that you hope will progress into something more? If so, FWB might not be right for you unless the other person is on the same page. Remember, I'm going to say this a lot today: you can't get into a friends with benefits relationship hoping the person's going to change their mind. You are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache. Are you excited about the prospect of having a no-judgment zone where you can really explore, try new things out, and see what you like sexually? You know, doing it in public, trying toys together, role-playing with someone you consider a friend. Well, if the answer is yes, an FWB could be right for you. Next question: are you willing to have this slightly uncomfortable but oh-so-important "what are we doing here" talk with your potential or current FWB? Like, set ground rules. Are you willing to do this often? Well, if not, FWB is probably not right for you. It requires a lot of healthy communication. And finally, are you prepared to return eventually to being just friends? In other words, can you handle if this FWB meets someone else or just really at the end of the day wants to be friends? They say, you know what, let's go back to friendship, I don't really want to have the sex anymore. Well, if you can handle all that, a friends with benefit relationship might be right for you. Bottom line, most friends with benefit arrangements don't last because they're not designed to. This isn't your life partner. This is someone you're having sex with while also being quality friends to one another. Please note, if you've treated this relationship with respect and honesty, you can be friends after. In fact, I had a friends with benefit relationship for a year. It was someone we went on a few dates, we became friends, and we decided that what we were both looking for just wasn't the same, but we really liked having sex with each other. And once a week, For about a year, we would meet up, we'd have sex. If he had an event to go to, he'd take me. If I had something, I would take him. But we were both dating on the side. And then one day I was dating someone and I met someone I really, really liked. So I told him, listen, can't have the sex anymore, but I really wanna be friends. And he was like, okay. And then a week later he came to me and said, I just wanna tell you that that hurts. I know it could happen, but I'm having a hard time with it. I'm having some jealousy. And I really miss you, but I understand. I'm really happy for you. I just think I need a few weeks till we talk again. And I was like, okay, thank you so much for sharing that with me. Our friendship is so important. And so we took some time, and I'd say a few months later, my new boyfriend with this ex FWB and I all had dinner. We were at the same parties together, and it all worked out. But what my FW was able to do was he was able to feel the feelings and also respect our arrangement, and we are still friends till this day. So listen, if friendship is truly your North Star, your ultimate goal with this person is to be friends. Well, a healthy FWB can deepen that friendship. It really is a beautiful connection to have with another person as long as expectations are very clear from the beginning. FWBs require a ton of self-awareness. You know what you want at this point in your life, and they also require quality communication. So if they sound appealing to you, make your life easier by doing your self-work. Therapy if possible, sharpening your communication skills, and getting very clear in how you'd like your sexual journey to progress. You know what you want it to look like and you want to try it out with this friend. Listen, pleasure doesn't have to be this binary thing. Either it's a hookup and that means little, or a partner that means everything. I'm loving that as a society we've adopted more spectrum thinking. Everything's not so black and white. Simply, if we decide to have an FWB, we're realizing that with enough maturity, communication skills, and self-awareness, we can add some sexual pleasure to some of our friendships. Friends who may never become our significant other, but they play a significant role in our life. You up? We're gonna take a quick break for our sponsors who help keep this Sex with Emily podcast free, including one of my favorite brands that gives me a whole lot of pleasure benefits, and that's Via Hemp Company. Specifically, I've become BFFs with their High Love THC libido gummies. They're engineered to invigorate blood flow and uplift romantic experiences by pairing aphrodisiac herbs infused with 5mg of THC to promote libido, blood flow, and pleasure. Now, I've noticed when I take these gummies before having sex with my partner, the whole experience is heightened. I feel more connected, everything feels better in my body, and one of the big things is it really does decrease anxiety. 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This is from Emily, 26, in Santa Barbara. Dear Dr. Emily, should I continue seeing a guy that told me he doesn't want anything serious even though I know I want something more? And real long term? All right, Emily, thanks for your question. Here's the bummer. People don't change unless they want to change. And you know how many times we date someone we date on potential? They just seem like they'd be the perfect person if, if only they would stop drinking, or if only they were better with money, or if only they wanted what I wanted, they would be the most perfect person. My recommendation is that you just have to stop seeing this guy and there's nothing wrong with him. He's not a bad guy. He's not the enemy. He's not doing anything wrong. He simply wants a different kind of relationship. And I'm so glad that he told you this and he was honest. It's worse when you're with someone who says they want the same thing you do, but they don't. The more days you spend in this relationship, the less time you're gonna be able to invest in your future self and your future Emily wants to be with a guy who wants to be with her. You want a long-term, serious relationship. And I also say it's harder for someone new to come in when you're physically and energetically with someone else. There's no space because the more you see him, whether it's just on Wednesday nights or on Saturday night, you could be out doing other things at that time and meet someone else, or you could just be working on yourself. So the more time you take for yourself right now and kind of get yourself out of this relationship, you'll be more likely to find someone who's aligned with your relationship values, your emotional values, and your personal values. All right, Emily, thanks for the question. This is from Mary, 27, in Philadelphia. Hey, Dr. Emily, my name is Mary. I'm a 27-year-old female in Philadelphia. I love your podcast. I listen often on Spotify. I'm a relatively new listener, but this podcast has helped me think differently about sex and my sexuality. Thanks for everything. I apologize if a topic like this has already come up, and I'll try to keep it short. I am pretty recently single after leaving a 5-year relationship. I'm casually dating some men and currently not looking for anything serious, just having fun right now. This is my first time in the real dating world since I was 22. There's one man I reconnected with from college and we've been having sex for a couple months. We're very attracted to each other and have lots of fun on dates, especially in the bedroom. Unfortunately, he has never made me orgasm, yet he finishes every time. I want to ask him to do more of what I like— more foreplay, more oral, using a vibrator on me, etc. But I don't know how to communicate this with him as our relationship is so casual and we don't have talks about our sex life outside the bedroom. I've given him oral many times but have never been offered it. If it's something he doesn't enjoy doing, I don't want to force anything on him. I also have never used a vibrator with anyone besides myself, so this is new territory that I'm unsure how to approach. We're genuinely very comfortable around each other, but I fear I'll scare him off by telling him that he needs to do better. Do more. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy having sex with him and have a lot of fun doing it. He makes me feel really confident and always tells me how sexy I am, which turns me on. I just want to teach him what will make me orgasm. Thank you. Alright, Mary, I want the same things for you too. So I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt here, and I'm gonna suggest that he genuinely doesn't know about your pleasure, doesn't know what to do, doesn't even know that oral sex is possible on you. I'm just gonna say that he doesn't know what turned you on or how to reciprocate. Sounds like a nice guy. He's making you feel hot and sexy. I love all that. So let's just call it an oversight. But what it feels to me is like, what if every time you saw him, he got up and he grabbed himself a sandwich, and then he sat down and he ate it in front of you? Didn't offer you a bite, didn't ask if you want anything. He just ate that sandwich. Now, Common sense would have us believe that it's a known thing for him to offer you and say, "Hey, do you want a bite of this sandwich?" Or better yet, "Would you like your own sandwich?" Well, in my mind, oral sex is kind of the same thing. It's a reciprocal activity. There's a few things going on here. Maybe he genuinely doesn't have experience performing oral sex on someone. Maybe he doesn't even really know what to do, so he sort of doesn't do it because he's like, "Oh, it's kind of complicated down there. The vagina is like the Rubik's Cube of life and like, I don't know what to do with it." Or maybe he thinks genuinely you're not into it because if you were into it, you would have asked him. This is such a perfect time for you to share about what you desire. Because if we assume all that's true, well, how great. Like, I think the best partners want to be great lovers to you and they want to please you. So I wouldn't worry at all about getting him scared off. I'm more worried about you being with someone who doesn't want to please you or doesn't know how. That's what I'm most concerned about now. Because let's say you scare him off. Let's say he's like, oh, wow, no, I didn't realize that you wanted pleasure. I didn't realize that your orgasms were important. He's doing you a favor because there's going to be someone else. There's going to be another guy that's going to know what to do. You're going to be able to talk to him. He's going to be so down with it. So here's how the conversation goes. Ready, Mary? It's like, oh, so I'd like to show you more about my body and how I orgasm and what feels good to me. I think it'd be so fun to play together. You know, are you in? And that's how it goes. And I know you said you don't have a lot of these conversations. You don't have time for these conversations. But these are the conversations that are so important to make time for. I don't know what else you guys are doing. Sounds like you're having sex and you're playing around, but these conversations have to happen outside the bedroom. If you're not sure where, check out on my guide. I have the 3 T's for communication: timing, tone, and turf. They're going to help you have these conversations. I love that he makes you feel good by telling you how sexy you are because you are sexy. And any woman who's conscious of her pleasure is extremely sexy in my book. But you know what is like genuinely deeply off-putting? Authentically sexy to a partner? I'll tell you. And that is a vulva owner who is truly in her body and feeling her pleasure and having orgasms. And he just hasn't seen this side of you yet. So imagine, like, he sees a side of you that's hot and sexy in bed, whatever that looks like. But the side of you, Mary, that is authentically in your body and knows what feels good and knows how to show a partner. That is the hottest thing in the world. And it sounds like you're with someone that you've been friends with. Maybe this is a friends with benefits. So I'm guessing if you're friends and you've known each other since college, that you're gonna be able to find this time no problem. And let's just say something else here about the friends with benefits relationship. Is it really a benefit if you're not getting all of your needs met? Just gonna put that out there. All right, Mary, thank you so much for your question. I can't wait to hear how this goes. This is from Maya 22 in Germany. Hey Dr. Emily, I kind of have a friends with benefits with a guy. After we had sex for the first time, I didn't hear from him. I don't have love feelings for him. I'm not in love with him, but I don't know how to handle this, like, not texting me, not hearing from him. I once asked him if he wanted to meet up, but he didn't have time. So should I ask him out again? Should I end it before I get hurt in any kind of way? How do I deal with something like this? All right, Maya, well, it sounds like you're already getting hurt, and I hear you. It doesn't feel good to not hear back from somebody after we— especially after we open ourselves up and we're intimate, we have sex with someone. We're like, why aren't they getting back to me? I gave them a piece of myself. But also, Maya, he's showing you exactly who he is and where he's at. If he disappeared after you had sex or barely shows up, well, it's time to move on. And if you find yourself worrying or wondering why, what did I do, What did I do wrong? Please, please know it is not about you. And the sooner you can move on, the better. When you find yourself wondering what I do wrong and why aren't I hearing from him, what I would love you to do is to take a moment and recognize you're doing that. But then think, what step could I take now towards sending love to myself or finding somebody else who's right for me? Maybe it's going on a dating app. Maybe it's telling everyone you know that you're single. Maybe it's spending time to do something for you, whether it's meditate or work out or write in your journal. So the more we replace destructive thought patterns of obsessing about someone or worrying about someone and replace it with something positive, we're more likely to get more positive results in the end. So not hearing from somebody, well, that really hurts. And it's like it's rejection. Remember, they often say that rejection is God's protection. In a way, somebody not showing up is a signal that it's time to move on. And the less time you spend thinking about it, the easier it will be to find your next person. So I would not reach out to him. I would even lose his phone number. I know that's hard to do too. And keep working on you. All right, Maya, thanks for your email. I'm gonna take a quick break, but stick around. Afterward, from our sponsors, I'm going to be answering an email from Kate who wants help navigating a threesome with her FWB. This is from Kate, 46, in New York City. Hey, Dr. Emily, my male FWB, or friends with benefits, and I are discussing having a threesome with one of his male friends. They've discussed it, but the three of us have not yet met up. I'm very much into the idea and was hoping for some advice. I'm planning to discuss preferences beforehand. No choking or jackhammering. Yes, Queen. No jackhammering ever, everyone, whether it's your threesome or your just day-to-day life. All right. But wondered if I'm missing something. It will be the first for the three of us. I'm hoping that if it goes well, it could become an ongoing thing. All right, Kate. First off, this sounds like a good time, and this sounds like a lot of benefits with this friend here. Definitely my advice to you would be to meet up first and see if you are even into this guy, because there's something very real about that moment where you know, like, is there going to be chemistry? Is there not chemistry? So make sure you're into him because nothing happens in a threesome without your approval, your consent, and your authentic desire on the table. So get drinks, meet up for coffee, and then ask them genuinely, point blank, say, So tell me what interests you about this scenario. Have them talk, have them point. What is the best case scenario? Like, what do they picture? What's going to happen? What do they want to do to you? And then you just get to listen. Have them get specific. Are they picturing like tying you up? Are they picturing that they're double penetration? Are they picturing you going down on one of them while another one's going down on you? Like, there are so many scenarios for this. And then you get to also be specific. What do you want? If this has been a fantasy of yours, there must be some ideas that you've had in mind. If not, this is such a great time to think about it. What is your turn-on? You know what else would be fun? If the three of you did the yes, no, maybe list together and then just hone in on your yeses there. And if you're not sure, you can watch some porn, you can listen to some audio erotica, go back to your fantasy bank and think about what you actually want. And then you guys get to co-create this amazing experience together. And I can't wait to hear all about it. And I would also say that in the moment— so let's say this is all going down and you guys have cleared this all ahead of time and you know what's going to happen and you know what you want. Remember, the most important thing during a threesome is to also remember that you still get to set boundaries. You still get to decide what feels good to you. So if anything is happening in the moment when you get there that doesn't feel good, you get to pause and you get to take a few deep breaths together and just say, okay, you know, let's kind of slow this down. I think that's so key for everybody who's in a sexual relationship with somebody other than yourself. There's this really interesting thing that happens during sex sometimes, and especially during a threesome. We think this is going really well and I'm really into it, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh wait, no, like, this is not good. Like, I didn't feel like giving you a blowjob, or I actually need to get a glass of water. It just starts moving too fast. So a lot of times what we do is we panic. And this is why a lot of people who've been assaulted, they don't scream, they don't run away, because they're sort of in fight or flight. And believe it or not, this same thing happens during sex. I mean, have you ever been in a sexual scenario where you don't want something to keep happening, but you go along with it anyway because you think it's easier to keep going than to say no? So that's what I'm pointing out here. And this could definitely happen in a threesome because you're like, well, everyone else seems like they're having a good time. But what I want to teach you is the art of the pause and the art of slowing down. And it's sometimes we either decide just to keep going Or we just stop. There's a middle ground with sex that you don't have to do either. You can just kind of pull back a little and breathe and say, can we just stop for a second? Let's just all kind of like slow down. Maybe you hold their hands, maybe you all cuddle and you say, I need a few deep breaths. An amazing thing happens when you reset with your breath. You're going to know exactly what you need to say next. You're going to know what you want next, and you're going to have time for your nervous system to kind of catch up to where you're at. And I think that nobody really knows. Like, I think that we're all just kind of trying things sexually, especially during a threesome. It's like a dance, right? And you've never all been together, so you don't really know. You generally don't know what everyone wants. And this is something you can even talk about in your pre-meeting. Like, let's check in with each other. Like, let's have safe words. Let's have moments where we look into each other's eyes. Let's agree that we're all going to speak up for what we want and what we need. Then you're going to feel so much better going into it. I also gotta say one more thing, just, uh, definitely you wanna use protection. You wanna change condoms in between if you're not, you guys haven't all been tested, and you wanna limit the amount of alcohol and drugs if you wanna remember the experience and have it be authentic. All right, have a good time, Kate. Thanks for your email. This is from Chloe. Hey, Dr. Emily, my name is Chloe and I'm needing advice about this guy. To give you backstory, he and I have been friends since we were teenagers. He's had a couple relationships before and he said they'd stab him in the back every time. So he's having a hard time opening up and getting into another relationship. We have a friends with benefits relationship and I've fallen for him multiple times, but he keeps saying he's not ready for a relationship. His reasons are that he's traveling a lot and he thinks we're not compatible with each other, but he also says that we're soulmates but in a different life. My friends even say we balance each other out because our differences just make sense. I would say we are more than best friends because we do everything together. We go on dates, he buys me things, we talk about each other's day, and we just really care for each other's well-being, but he holds back a lot too. I think he does have feelings for me but is too afraid to expose them because of his past relationships, or maybe he still holds a grudge because of his past relationship. It's complicated. It's hard to let go because I care for him so much and it's been 6+ years this has been going on, but he doesn't choose me. Do you think this might be the right person, wrong time situation? Should I move on and meet other people? Side note, just want to say your podcast has helped me a lot and all the advice you've shared with others is great. Thanks again. All right, Chloe, I totally understand where you are and why you're so attached to this guy. I mean, it's been 6 years and he has all the makings of a relationship. It's fun. You talk, you play, you have sex. He says some nice things to you. You have dates, but yet it's not a relationship. It's like you wanna bake a cake and you went to the store and you got all the ingredients. Like, you're like, I know I wanna make cake. You got the flour, the eggs, the sugar, the vanilla, and you got 'em all home. And you even put 'em in a bowl, but it's still not a cake yet, right? You had to put in the, you have to put in the oven. You gotta put in the work of making the cake and stirring the ingredients together. You have all the ingredients of a relationship, but you don't have a mutual commitment. You don't have both of you saying, we wanna make a cake together. We wanna make a relationship together. He just wants all those ingredients around cuz they feel good, but you want all of them and to you they mean a relationship. So that's what you want. And the more you spend time wondering if you've gotta bend and shape and make it into a relationship, but he's just not into it. He even said that you're not compatible. And so I need you to hear this. You know what it reminds me of? There was a book that came out about 20 years ago. If all you know this book, He's Just Not That Into You. And the reason why that book was wildly successful, and it was a line from Sex and the City, is because saying that this was so groundbreaking when Miranda turns to Carrie and says, he's just not that into you. She's like, he's just not that into you, move on. Was like, because we don't say that, you know, we say, oh, well, maybe he's working too much. Maybe he just doesn't realize how awesome you are. When you're a little kid and we were told like, if he pulls your ponytails or if he's rude to you, it means that he really likes you. That is not true. That none of that is true. If he's not that into you and he's not showing up, then he's not that into you. There's no excuses. And that's why it was a big moment, because it was such a moment of truth. And this goes for all genders. They say, well, she's not calling me back. He had this trip planned and he didn't take me on it, but he said he was going to take me on it. She said she was going to call me, but she didn't. She's not sure that she wants a relationship right now, but maybe she doesn't really know what she wants. No. Or maybe she's just not that into you. Maybe he's just not that into you. See what I mean? Anytime you are making an excuse for someone's behavior, because we were wired that way and our friends never turn to us and say, guess what? He's not that into you. She doesn't like you. But maybe we should. Or you can maybe say it your own way and say, you know what? Maybe this isn't what you're looking for. Like, I think how we reframe that as saying maybe like you want something different right now. Maybe you're not that into feeling like you're not someone's priority. Maybe you're not that into waiting around to feel like you're actually in a relationship after 6 years. We're soulmates, but guess what? It was 3 lifetimes ago. Ouch. Maybe we're not into feeling like we're someone's second choice. Maybe we're not into feeling like someone doesn't show up for us and keep their commitments. Maybe we're not that into not feeling whole with somebody. Maybe we're not into waiting around till someone decides that it's time to call me. Maybe I'm not into waiting around for someone to decide that they wanna ask me out on Friday night. Maybe you're just not into wasting time waiting around for someone else to make the decisions about your own life and your own happiness. Maybe you're just not into that. I'm not into that for you. So let's all reframe this and let's go after what we are into. Let's focus on the good stuff, which you want and what you deserve. Now it's your turn to make the next move and to get out of this relationship so you can start to heal and move on and find what person who wants exactly what you want. All right, Chloe, thank you so much for your question. This is from Kelsey, 26, in Chicago. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm a heterosexual female and I have a question about a relationship I'm in right now. I've been having sex with the same guy since last February. We probably see each other twice a month and we text almost every day. We haven't even talked about what we're looking for in a relationship, and I think because we first started hooking up, it was a secret because I used to date one of his friends. That friend has moved away and I don't talk to him at all. So to me, it's not a big deal, but I know it was weird for this guy because he's still friends with the friend I used to date. Anyways, I'm having the best sex of my life with this guy. He's open to trying things and doesn't judge me or make me feel bad about anything sexual, which has definitely happened to me in other relationships. And I feel so comfortable with him that I'm squirting every time, which I never did before with any guy. I want to talk to him about our relationship, but I'm really afraid he's going to say he doesn't want to commit to anything and then I'm not going to feel comfortable having sex with him anymore. I'm not sure how to bring it up, and I know that I have sent him mixed signals about what I want too, because I've sometimes acted defensively to protect myself because I felt like he wasn't interested in dating. Anyways, I don't want to lose the sex we have, but I'm interested in being more serious with him, and I'm not sure what to do. Thank you. All right, Kelsey, so I'm reading your email, and I read it twice. This is what's hitting me hard, is that This is more about what's going on with you right now, which is a good thing because you've complete control of the situation. I'm hearing you bring a lot of stuff from the past and be projecting onto the future that things are going to happen. Like you said, in past relationships you felt judged and you felt that someone made you feel bad about something sexual. So you're kind of holding back and talking about your sexuality and what you desire. You also kind of have some guilt around dating his friend in the past and now where that's going to go. So you kind of started off on this footing where you couldn't quite feel like you were allowed to move forward in this relationship. And then you're kind of holding yourself back from talking to him about the relationship because you're tripping into the future that he might say he's not into the relationship and he might leave you and he doesn't wanna have sex with you anymore. So you're just gonna not say anything. But then you're also saying that you're also sending him mixed signals because you have this huge wall of armor around you. You're protecting yourself in all of these ways. You're protecting yourself from being hurt. You're protecting yourself from rejection. You're protecting yourself from past wounds. So what I want you to do is bring it up with him in a neutral setting when you're hanging out. You've never talked about what you want in a relationship, so I think it's time to land this plane. What I'm hearing is if you guys are texting, it's time to get on the phone. It's time to meet up and go for a walk or meet up before you guys have sex and just say, let's talk about the state of our relationship. I mean, I think after a few months you wanna define the relationship. Remember, if relationships don't start changing and evolving and moving forward, they just die. They do. Every relationship. If you're not moving forward at work, if you're not moving forward with friendships, like you gotta keep getting deeper and getting to know someone. So you have every right to define this relationship right now and saying them in a neutral setting. I'm really enjoying the time we're spending together, and I feel like I keep getting closer and closer to you. I know we haven't talked about labeling this, and I'm not so into titles. I'm not so into having a label. But I want to know where this is going. And I'm thinking that I would love to take a chance on this if you are. And if not, that's okay too. Maybe we can both move on and find something that we want. But right now, where we're at, we spend a lot of time together. Most of my sexual energy goes towards this relationship. So let's figure out what we both want. I'd love to hear from you. And then you guys get to decide together, right? What if he says to you, yeah, I've been thinking that too. I really like the time we spend together, but you know, then you get to hear more. Oh, but I'm really nervous that I won't have time to be a great boyfriend to you. Then you could say, well, what do you mean by that? And then you get to just talk. What comes up? You get to listen and you get to talk and you get to discuss it and you get to decide together rather than holding back and not saying anything at all. And the result of you not having this grounding and having this truthful conversation with Kelsey means that you're acting out, you're being defensive, you're not getting all of your needs met emotionally. And I I believe that in all of our healthy relationships, and you want this to be the healthiest relationship possible, the healthiest relationship possible that we are ever in are defined, they're understood. Because remember, the relationships where we truly have the best sex and the best connection and the best energy long term is when we feel safe. And the only way we're going to feel safe is when we know if this person has our best interests at heart and that we both want the same thing, we're moving towards a similar goal. I wanna go back to one thing. When you said that he doesn't judge you and he is open to trying sexual things and doesn't make you feel bad about anything sexual, you commented, this has happened to me in previous relationships. You put it in parentheses. And I wanna say that is not a parentheses moment. When something scarring like that happens in a previous relationship, someone shames you for wanting something sexual, they make fun of your body or a body part. They tell you that your vagina looks weird or your penis is strange. These things stick with us for a lifetime unless we go back in there, we look at it, we pull it out. We're like, is this true? Tell you right now that it's not true. It's someone else's opinion. They were trying to make you feel bad or they were coming from their own perspective. Whatever was done to you, Kelsey, whatever was said to you in the past still somehow has a grip on you. So I'd love you to pull that out, take a look at it. Realize that it's not true and replace it with thoughts and feelings and beliefs that do serve you, that are about the quality of who you are and the truth of who you are. And let's let all that negativity from the past go. So define the relationship sooner than later. It's totally okay, Kelsey, and you're going to feel empowered and it's going to give you so much strength going forward in any relationship, whether it's with him or your next lover. Okay, Kelsey, thanks for the email. This is from Jenny, 39, in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I was in an unhealthy marriage for 8 years, which was sexless for the last 3 years of it. Now, after 2 years of singledom, I'm back in the fray sexually. I'm in a really fun friends with benefits situation. We've known each other for a while and our chemistry is amazing. We're both very open-minded, communicate well, and our relationship outside of sex is really fun and easygoing. My problem, I can't orgasm with him. You're so turned on, you get caught up in the laughing and talking and fun that it's more of a mindgasm experience for me. I love a mindgasm. I'm great with it. I masturbate pretty much daily, so orgasms are not my goal, but I really want to experience one with him. Any tips to get my mind and my clit to connect? Thank you so much for your show. It's been so helpful in navigating sex and dating. I appreciate any advice you have to give. All right, Jenny. Oh, I'm so happy to hear from you. And I love that you got out of an unhealthy marriage and now you're having 2 years of singledom and having great sex with an FWB. So I'm going to assume here that you were able to orgasm in the past. So first, let's just look at what's different here. What's changed about you in the last 2 years since you got out of your unhealthy relationship? Sounds like you've been masturbating, so that's great. Are you on any medications? How's your health? Your hormones? There's a lot of things that could be going on that could prevent us from orgasming. Let's say we rule out anything medical, anything biological. Sometimes when we're just having casual sex with someone, it can be a lot harder to let go and to surrender because that's really what orgasm is about. It's about surrendering. And you guys are talking and you're communicating, you're chatting and you're having mindgasms. But that practice of really being able to let go with somebody so you can truly be in your body or embodied, it's not so easy just to switch it on, especially if you were with someone for 8 years and now you're with someone new. So give yourself a grace period here and you can even let him know like, hey, I'm so into you and I love this, but could you help me here? Let's take some time here, sort of. Breathing together, slowing down, or let me show you what feels good to me. And maybe you can show him what you like without the pressure to orgasm. I love the idea of some mindful masturbation with him where you're laying back and he's pleasing you and touching you or going down on you and doing all the things that feel good to you. But you don't have to be jokey or talking or performing. You just want to relax and let go. You just want to be able to breathe and surrender. And you don't have to use all those words with him. He might not really understand it, but you know what I'm talking about, right, Jenny? You know what I'm talking about by being within a relationship with someone, even if it was unhealthy. It was 8 years. It was someone you trusted. This guy is a friends with benefit. He might be off with someone else, or you might not even be sure where it's going. So again, I want you to practice all the things that make you feel safe. Maybe you need to have a conversation with him about defining the relationship. Maybe you need a conversation about protection. Like maybe there's some areas that you still don't feel completely safe to let go. My advice to you is a combination of talking to him about it, experimenting with him physically in the moment, and then also taking a look at your own medical history and your health history and see if anything has changed in the last few years so we can get an answer. Those are some steps to take to figure out maybe why you're not orgasming so you can remove the blocks and have some incredible orgasms and some incredible experiences with your new lover. Thanks, Jenny. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.