Best of: Doggy Style Tricks & Performance Tips

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41% of men have fractured their penis during doggy style. That is the most challenging position for men where there's been discomfort. The second is missionary and the third is woman on top.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, let's cut to the chase. Doggy style is hot looking, but is it hot feeling? I can't tell you how many questions I get about this position. Mostly from people who are confused, wondering if they're doing wrong. Is there something more to it? Am I supposed to love it? Why do I love it? All the things while you're not doing anything wrong, you just might need to tweak it a bit, make it work for your body. So on today's show, I give you my favorite doggy style hacks. Because, let's be honest, no one wants a broken penis. And let's just avoid the ER and give you the hot doggy style sex you deserve, no matter what your body part. Plus, I take your questions. Is polyamory more natural than monogamy? What should you do if you catch feelings for your friends with benefits? Is it really cheating if you have a no sex kink situation with an old flame? And finally, body dysmorphia? Of the vulva. Do you have it? Friends, let me help you love it. Don't buy the hype, by which I mean false standards. I tell you exactly how to make your vulva a much deserved object of your affection. In tensions with Emily for each episode, let's start off by setting an intention, shall we? I do it. I encourage you to do the same. So what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to help you make whatever position or relationship style you choose the most satisfying and pleasurable as possible. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily how can I Be More Confident in the Bedroom? Is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, I love that. Call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me sex with emily.com Ask Emily all right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Here's a few tips to make doggy style more intimate. And I know it's also the go to position for a lot of couples. I think with these tips I'm going to give you actually go for any couples and go for two guys, two women and heterosexual couples. So let me just say that ahead of time, I think that a lot of men love that it offers like a really good view and they're in control of the depth and the speed of the penet. But how do you make it more intimate? How do you make it so everyone's really connected during this position? So the sandwich doggy style position. So if you're the receiver, you're lying flat on the bed on your stomach with your legs closed and then your partner gets on top of you and your partner's legs are outside of yours as your partner enters from behind. So this position is less about like thrusting in and out and it's more about really connecting with your partner and also for women, having your legs closer together. If you're on the bottom lying on your stomach, it offers tighter friction which can make it more enjoyable for women. I know that this is something that I had to learn later in life, but I'm so glad I did that. You can easily like pump your kegel muscles and your pelvic floor muscles and tighten it and it can feel really, really good. So offers tighter friction when your legs together and also your partner's hands are free to drape over your hands or hold your hands. And also Your partner's face will be close to the back of your neck and. And, you know, they can whisper sweet nothings in your ear. The neck is a killer erogenous zone, so that's a fun variation of it. There's also the rear view. So if you're thinking, oh, God, doggy style, it's so. It's just, you know, we're not looking at each other, and it just feels so alone. You can actually make eye contact. So here's a little upgrade. When you're in the typical doggy style position, turn your neck so you can connect visually and look into your partner's eyes as the thrusting is happening. I think that we're afraid for eye contact a lot during sex because it just makes us vulnerable. I think eye contact in a lot of ways makes us vulnerable. You know, those people you meet, even not that you want to have sex with, but you meet out in the world, you're like, why aren't they looking at me? I think we're all afraid of it, but many of us can be. But there's. There's a great intensity and closeness that comes when you actually can look into your partner's eyes during sex. So this might be the connection that you need during doggy style to take it to the next level. Also, you guys. Another doggy style tweak is to make sure that everyone's getting. Having a good time and getting off, because a lot of times for women, it doesn't. If you're the receiver, you're not going to have as much clitoral stimulation as you'd like. So this is why it's great when you know your partner has their hand free. You've got two hands free, and you want to make sure that your breasts and clitoris are easily accessible for either you to touch or hopefully your partner will touch stroke them. He can use a vibrator. He can hold the palm of his hands. He can. Those erogenous zones, your clitoris, the vulva, your pubic mound, all those things. So when he's thrusting it out can bring you both to a really great orgasm so you don't have to forego your pleasure in doggy style. So I hope this makes a lot more sense for you and makes it a lot better than before, because it's not necessarily common sense. In fact, a lot of things aren't. That's kind of like my theme for today. Another not so common, although it should be. Study. Performance issues in the bedroom are not just an old man's problem. I Loved this. I love the study. I ate it all up because I think your mind's gonna be a little bit blown with this and will really help you. So a study revealed that nearly 40% of men, 40% between the ages of 16 and 34, have experienced sexual performance problems in the last year. I find this so interesting because I think when we think about sexual dysfunction in men, we often link that to the men who are getting prescriptions for Viagra. And, you know, men are over 50 and they have problems with sexual function. But, no, this is not the case at all. This is saying that it's actually much more widespread. And the problem is it's not understood that the sexual issues these men are experiencing include lack of interest in sex. So it's not just obvious things like dysfunction where maybe, you know, you're getting hard or you're not staying hard as long as you want or coming too quickly. It actually means that these men have lack of interest in sex, lack of enjoying sex. They feel no arousal. They experience pain, and we know, difficult getting or maintaining erection or climaxing, climaxing too early. So I think this is time for a really, really honest conversation about these issues. And it's way, way, way long overdue. Because when it comes to young people's sexuality, I think that we're usually focused on, you guys, know, this sex education. We talk a lot about, you know, preventing STIs and unplanned pregnancies, and we never talk about, like, pleasure, and we never talk about what sexual health actually means for men and for women. Or we talk a lot about women's sexual challenges. Women aren't getting aroused and not having orgasms. I mean, you guys know I talk about everything here. But I think this is great because it also points to. And kind of some awareness. It points to the fact that it can also be really embarrassing for men, you know, because they're not confiding in their partners. They're not visiting their doctors. In fact, women go to doctors. They go to their general practitioners. They go to their gynecologist once or twice a year, way more often than men. And so I feel like guys are kind of like. Like, yeah, maybe I'm not really into sex, but I'm the only guy on the planet who's not into sex. Well, it turns out, no, about 40% of men between, like I said, to the age of 34, are having the same challenges. So I love this. Kind of blows it wide open for men to understand that they need to communicate about whatever's going on with them sexually, just like we all do. So sometimes just talking about it with your partner even and saying like, hey babe, I've just not been feeling as aroused lately or, or I'm worried that I'm not performing or whatever it is takes the pressure off because you're not living with it alone. Because I think a lot of men suffer silently. And you know what happens when you suffer silently through any of these sexual challenges. It can really take a toll on your physical and mental health. And so, and then that just kind of perpetuates the problem when you no longer talk about it. And another level of this is that they blame the rise in sexual dysfunction among men, among young men on easy access to porn without high quality sex ed to offer more balanced perspect. So get this, young men who might not have a lot of experience, actually, they probably don't. The first kind of sex they ever see is important, right? And they have no other sex education. And then they start to have sex and then they have some kind of challenge around it, right? A sexual issue. Since we know sex education and they're performing themselves to porn stars, this can cause early on anxiety, self esteem issues and make intercourse with their actual partners in real life very, very difficult. So some people say that this excessive viewing of pornography is actually a side effect of a sexual that's already been present in the men. So perhaps the guys had some sexual dysfunction issues in the past, so he just turned to porn and never went back. So no matter what side you're on, if you like lean towards porn because, because it kind of helped you through something and then you can't have sex with your partner or you learned about sex through porn and you just kind of stayed there. There's a lot of challenges that we're having with porn all around. The bottom line is no matter what, either it's because men aren't communicating about their, their problems around sex because they feel like it makes them less manly or just too devastating, or they're just stuck, you know, watching porn for whatever reason. This gets men trapped in this cycle of sexual dysfunction. And it also propagates the myth that, oh, sex issues are only thing that old dudes have to deal with. It's not for young guys. And so young guys are running around suffering, get it? So if you're struggling in the bedroom, you're not alone. And I really hope that this is kind of like light bulbs going on with some guys listening or some women, you know, your friends, your partners, and you can think like, oh, God, I wonder how this is having an impact on him. I wonder if I understand that lately he hasn't been getting hard in the bedroom. He hasn't been really into sex lately. Instead of blaming them, I think what women do also, a lot of times we blame ourselves for, like, well, he must not be into me. He must not be attracted to me. He must be cheating on me. Like, a lot of times, no. He's just a human being with sexual challenges, like we all have at different times. We're gonna take a quick break. Stick around after the break. I'm answering your questions.

Okay. This is from Chris, 29, San Diego. Hey, Emily. I've been listening to your podcast for over a year, and it's taught me a lot and got me to explore subjects I never really explored before. I was recently in a relationship with a girl who was polyamorous open prior to me, and I did a lot of reading on the subject, in particular with the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. I'm certain you've read the book, so I have a question for you. Knowing what I know about human biology and evolution, do you think humans are naturally prone to have more than one sexual partner at a time and that monogamy is a modern invention and. Or that polyamory was a more dominant pattern in our earlier ancestors and that modern humans are capable of both? Thanks. Sex at dawn is a wonderful book by Christopher Ryan that came out in about 2011, I think, and it really was a groundbreaking book about evolutionary psychology and sex and our ancestors and biology and evolution and all this stuff. So to answer your question, it's true that monogamy is a modern invention, and I do believe that it doesn't work for everybody. And so monogamy, essentially the last couple hundred years is the only choice that we have. In many ways. We think, okay, we've got to marry someone. We got to stay with one partner for the rest of our lives till death do us part. And that works for many couples. Many couples, they work it through, and that's how they get stronger, right? They're like, I'm just going to be with my partner. We're going to, like, make it work. And that's great. However, I think that for a lot of people, it doesn't. And I don't know, it could be evolutionarily speaking. It could just be because, you know, we're not wired that way. What I would like to see is people not being so hard on themselves. I think that the time we're living in now is A wonderful time to explore. Like, what kind of relationship do I want? You know, do I want a more modern relationship, A more alternative relationship that's more open and polyamorous? I mean, I think we're capable of whatever we want. And all relationships take work. It's just because you're in an open relationship and you're like, wow, I can sleep with anyone. Believe me, it doesn't mean that life is great because you have so many sexual partners. I think a lot of this has to do with the grass is always greener. So if you think that one side or the other is going to be the answer to everything, it's not. And not to think that, oh, my God, I could never deal with jealousy. Like, I want to have more than one partner. But it'll never work, because I'm here to tell you that there are really great tools. People I know in open relationships actually can work. People are married with kids, and they just practice, like, rigorous honesty, fierce communication, and they actually, yeah, they get jealous, like we all do, but they have language around it, and they talk about it right away. And for some people, it's really healthy. So that's how I'm gonna answer your question there, Chris. Let me know what you think. Are you trying it? Are you trying out an open relationship? This is from George, 32, in the United States. Dear Dr. Emily, Big fan of the show and all the work you do to keep us educated and entertained. So my girlfriend has told me on numerous occasions, she really prefers doggy style and enjoys having her hair pulled and being spanked. This turns me on, and I really want to be able to do this for her, but I actually find the position to be somewhat painful for me. She prefers sex to be on the harder and rougher side sometimes, but this causes soreness and bruising on my whole pelvic area. It also hurts my balls when we go at it hard like this. I find that the best way for me to get the most pleasure and least discomfort is when she's on top. I didn't know that doing this position repeatedly is getting boring for the two of us. My question is, is there something I can do to minimize the discomfort and pain I feel from doggy style? Also, is this pain normal for men, or is this something I should be concerned about? Appreciate any advice you can offer me. I love the show. All right. 41% of men have fractured their penis during doggy style. That is the most challenging position for men where there's been discomfort. The second is missionary, and the third Is woman on top. So, yeah, I don't know how common it is, but if they're going to fracture themselves during sex, and it's going to be during doggy style. So really what I'm concerned about is you right now. If the pain is really intense and you feel like something has happened, there's been some recent developments. Definitely go to your doctor and get it checked out just in case. You said that your girlfriend's really into, you know, hair pulling and being dominated and spanked. There might be other paths here to pleasure for her to get the same results. And it's not just in doggy style. So you guys get to explore this together. But you could do some research. You could watch some porn together. You could, you know, figure out, like, what other acts would actually make her feel better and have that same feeling of you being dominated and rough in bed. Now, there's something else that's new we want to mention. It's called the O nut, and it's a silicone ring that you put on your penis that just doesn't let you go all the way in. So it can kind of act as a barrier so you're not hitting your pelvic, your pelvic bone, your pubic mound too hard, which is actually sounds like that's what's happening. So if you're comfortable with that, it means you won't be going in as deep. It's like a penis stopper. You could also try different variations of doggy style. You could, you know, her with her legs closer together and when she's lying flat on her stomach. This can be a lot more pleasurable for women as well, because for many women, when they're squeezing their legs together, they also get to activate their pelvic floor muscles. And that's where the magic happens. Orgasms. She could also, like, have her face down or be in her forearms with her butt high. Also a pillow. If you have a pillow that is between you that still allows you to penetrate, you know, that could kind of make things a little bit softer. I always think pillows should just be used. Have a lot of pillows on your bed that you don't mind using for sex. They can help kind of with a lot of different uncomfortable positions. I love that she's so vocal about what she wants. But again, doggy style isn't the only way to go here. So I want you to be careful, not fracture your penis. I have a book called hot sex over 200 things you could try tonight. And it's awesome because you can Just open it to like any page. And there's so many positions. There's different variations of all the different sex positions and I think you'll like it. Thanks for the email and just be careful. All right. Okay. This is from Giovanna, 42, in Florida. I'm a 42 year old single mom and I'm divorced. I've been sleeping with a 39 year old divorced man. We just hook up and don't have plans for relationships. He's made it clear that he's not looking for one. The sex is good, but should I continue to see him knowing it's not going to lead to anything or should I cut all ties and move on? I'm not really sure that I want a relationship either and I don't want to give up on the sex, but I don't want to catch any feelings either. What should I do? Okay, Giovanna, this is a great question because I think what it all comes down to is that you're trying to control things here that aren't necessarily controllable. What you can think about though, take some time. Like you might catch feelings. Like this whole, like, I don't want to catch feelings. If you catch feelings for someone, that's actually a good thing, right? I think that can be a good thing if they're matching your feelings and you're talking about it. Most importantly, I have to say, Giovanna, what exactly do you want? Okay, so here's the thing about dating after divorce. It's a thing like you've been married for a while. If you've been out of the dating world for five years, 10 years, and you're just entering now, you're like, whoa, dating apps. No one talks on the phone anymore. Like that's one hurdle. And then also just like, wow, what's it like to date a few people? Maybe even like a few people and have sex with more than one person if you're into that thing. But I don't think that you know that yet. Giovannis. So you said he's made it clear he's not looking for the one. You started him saying, like, you know, it's not gonna lead to anything and should I cut ties? But then you go on to say you're not sure that you want a relationship either. So I'm gonna say, what do you want and what do you think you're love? You might not know this yet, but I want you to reframe the way you're thinking about what you're looking for because it might Surprise you. But if you're having good sex with this guy and just because he's telling you, I don't want a relationship and you know, why don't you just kind of go into the relationship being really honest, communicating being honest with them. What you're thinking right now, you could say, you know what? I'm thinking of ending this relationship because you don't want a relationship and I'm not sure what I want right now that might get you even closer together. But I would be honest with him, but most importantly with yourself and challenge yourself because you might be able to still date this guy and other people even if your brain's going, I could never handle that because it sounds like you're still trying to figure out what you want. The other option for you is to also say, you know what? I'm just not going to jump right back into dating. If you just got divorced, you might not even be ready yet either. So I'm just throwing that out there for you and for anyone else who's listening, who's like, I got to get back out there and do it. You only have to date when you're ready to date. So go easy on yourself. Really think about what feels good to you. Not what the guys want, not what he's telling you, but what you want. And that takes some work, but that's how you're gonna be able to find satisfying relationship that you really want and that feels good to you. This is from Andrew35, Australia. I find I orgasm a lot quicker when wearing condom than when I don't. I can control myself when I don't wear one, but when I do, I can't control myself. Any ideas how to last longer? Okay, well, the first thing I thought when I read this is, well, I love that you're wearing condom. I love it. I love you guys wear condoms if you're sleeping around and you haven't been tested. It prevents STDs and pregnancies. Okay, you guys. But most importantly STDs, even if you're on the pill. What I was thinking, Andrew, is maybe the condom doesn't fit you. Right. I think that guys kind of get set on a brand of condoms and they're like, oh yeah, well, it just feels weird. But it might be too tight. You might need a bigger size condom, a larger size condom. I always recommend skin condoms. They're great. They make a king size K Y n G and it's skin S K y M. You could also try masturbating with the condom. On to test it and practice, you know, edging with the condom on, where you. Where you, like, realize the point where you're about to ejaculate, and then you stop to kind of, like, get to the point of no return, and then you go back down again. You could also try doing your Kegel exercises, which is great for men and for women. It can also help you with ejaculatory control. And let me know how that goes. This next email comes to us from Mike, who's 50 in the United States. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been married for 15 years. I've always been into bondage until the last couple years. I finally got my wife to give it a real try, meaning impact play such as spanking. She also let me tie her hands up, but is very apprehensive about taking it to a higher level, such as flogging or whipping. Would having a BDSM session with an old flame, no sexual contact whatsoever, be considered cheating? Okay, Mike, I would say that, yes, this would be considered cheating, absolutely. So if you're hiding from your spouse and you think it's something she's gonna be mad about, yes, it's cheating if she finds out. You know, infidelity. I feel like, though, you're kind of jumping the gun here, Mike. If you found out that your wife, you know, you guys have been together for 15 years, and the last couple years, she's into it, you could also talk to her about it. You could try to give her time to warm up and be patient. Maybe she needs a little bit more information about it, needs to experience it. You know, a lot of times we're just fearful of things. We're like, oh, that would really hurt. So I would recommend, when I first read this, you're like, would having a BDSM session, I thought you were going to say, like, with a dominatrix who could help us out, and maybe she could, like, learn from professional and they could kind of test it. But we have very limited views, especially someone who knows as much about bdsm. Like, there might be other ways to play with it. Like, just because she's done to the flogging or whipping part, you guys might be surprised if you visited dominatrix or did some research on your own, that you don't need to cheat, you don't need to go outside of marriage. But there is, like, a workaround. So you guys could find perhaps a way that you could still get aroused. She could get aroused, and I'd love to know more about her fantasies as well. Two way street here. So I feel like the fact that she came onto everything else in a few years after 15 years is a good sign. So be patient and do some exploring with her. I know this thing you really want. Now, Mike, he's like, you know, I want the whipping, and I want. But just be patient. Ask the questions. Explore. And again, you guys, I think this is for everybody. We all need to do a lot more research. This is what this whole show is about, is how do we actually explore. I think our view of what sex is is so limited. And what was on the table. We don't even know what's on the table. We know, like, doggy style, and we know missionary, and we know, like, spanking with this bdsm, but. But again, together, you know, a lot of times our partners say no to things or they're shut down for things because it just sounds awful or painful, which it can be if you don't do it right. But maybe in your. In your path to exploration, you might find, you know, something else that works for both of you. So please don't cheat. Thank you. Okay, this is from Amber35 in Florida. Hey, Emily. This is regarding my feelings of how my vagina looks. It's so bad, I never look at it. So I came home from work and looked, and it's crazy. It's way worse than I ever remember it to be. It's saggy, wrinkly, and has huge long lips. It looks so beat up and worn out. It's literally the ugliest vagina I've ever seen in my entire life. I've Googled photos of labiaplasty, but some look worse after the surgery. I don't know how to get over it. This is almost like a phobia of my vag. It's so freaking ugly, and I'm bi, and I love how they look. If I ever saw a girl with one like mine, I couldn't even go through with it. I don't know what to do. My husband says he loves it, but our marriage is always on the rocks. So one day I might have to be with someone else, and I dread it. It's so gross. Okay, Amber, whoa. Back up. Take a few deep breaths here. I'm gonna take a few deep breaths with you. You're totally fine. This is normal to me. It sounds like you just looked in the mirror and freaked out because your husband loves it. Women, they all look different. I understand. I understand that when you look at porn, they're small and tight and pink. And maybe, you know, that's the girls who are trying out for porn or that's the angle. But that is only one kind of vulva. You should check out some of other vulvas to make yourself feel better. Don't look at labioplasty. You do not need labioplasty. Look up the vulva gallery. Just Google vulva gallery. And there's beautiful vulva artwork. And they're all different. Everyone is different. And, you know, I feel like you have this concern that all these people, if you ever have to go out in the world, they're not gonna like your vagina and they're gonna judge you. And then you just said to me, your vulva, you just said to me that if you came across one, you wouldn't love it. So you are actually the problem here. You're the one who's perpetuating this thing about some vagina has to look in some certain way in the vulva. And it looks so different. Every single one is different. Like, really, if you stood up 100 women in a room and they were all naked, and every single one would look very, very different. If you put a hundred porn stars in a room, they might look more similar. But if you just pulled 100 random women off the street, very different. And each one is beautiful. So I think that this is where all these challenges have come up from. Women for loving their vulvas. But I think that we got to do some self love here. Some deep, deep self love. Because if you're with someone in the future and they're going to look at you and they'll be like, oh, peace out, Amber. I don't love your vagina. I think that's not the person you want to be with. A. And B, God, is that really even going to happen? If that. It sounds like you're going to be that person more than anyone else you know? And B is the same as A. If you find that person does that to you, you're out. So as long as it's working, we need to love our vaginas. We need to love our bodies more. The way you're talking about yourself is really, really hateful. I'm going to go on a limb here and suggest that you've got a lot of these negative tapes running through your head about a lot of things. About your body, about your life, about your job. If not, you're lucky, because if it's just about your vagina, I can solve this. I can tell you that you. It's just important to do the work on your vagina, like, stand in the mirror and all those, and find some things that you love about it and your husband loves it. And I would start to take your masturbation, do some mindful masturbation where you're really just, wow, I can't believe how amazing it is that I have this body part that can give me so much pleasure and so many orgasms. So I want you to just reframe, reshift, shift this whole thing about your vulva. And I want every woman listening to to do the same thing. There is no right vulva. This wasn't even a conversation, you guys. I'm telling you, before porn became so ubiquitous, this barely was even a thing. And now I get all these emails from women who are like, I don't look a certain way and just makes me really sad. I love you, Amber, and I want you to love yourself as well. It's a really good thing to work on loving yourself. That's actually the most important work we could do. Because when you love yourself, everything else follows. Confidence, sexual confidence, being a good person, being a good human. Jealousy goes away. It's a beautiful thing. Do that. I love you all.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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