Best of: Emily and Dr. Drew Discuss Porn Sex vs. Real Sex

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can check out all the amazing things we have going on here at Sex with Emily. Follow me on social media just because we have a pretty good time here. So you want to see what's going on? You want to see all the sex toys and the fun we have here. Birthdays. We've had a lot of cake this week. No, that's not that interesting. That's not going to drive you there. How about the huge box of what did we get this week? Lubes. Pounds of lube. It was amazing. Anyway, it's all at Sex with Emily across the board. You can also shop at my store on the website. And I just love you all. Thanks so much for listening. And I'm gonna Welcome my guest, Dr. Drew Pinski.

Hey there. It is fun around here. That's why I can't stay away.

I know, right?

Gotta keep coming back. You gotta keep coming back with pounds of lube especially.

Dude, don't leave without pounds of lube. I got a backpack for you.

Pulled lube.

Yeah. Dr. Drew. It's so funny. So I never listen to my podcast, so I've been doing it for 12 years.

Yeah. I don't listen either to mine, to anything I do ever. Almost never. My wife listens to stuff, so I sometimes hear it in the background and I cringe.

Right, Exactly. But it's not even so much. Cause I've already gotten over the fact that my voice is like this and I say way too much. It's more like I was there and I feel like, do I have to listen? Do I really have an hour? I want to listen to something else.

Absolutely. If you're. And if I were going to evaluate myself, I'd probably listen for five minutes ago and I'd have many, many notes in five minutes.

Believe that's the thing. And then I want to change everything. So I just don't. But then. So you're coming back. You've been on the show. You were on one other time. There were two other times.

I'm sure it's twice. But last time we had a really good conversation.

We had a party. That was a party. Like, that was fun.

And then you saw me speak at the human gathering.

That's right.

You thought that stuff was interesting.

Exactly.

Different stuff than we were talking about.

But what I was gonna say is. Well. Right. Cause that's what I wanna talk about as well. I never listened. But I happened to listen to that yesterday. I was running and I was. I wanna listen to it because it was our top downloaded podcast. Cause it was that good of a conversation. And maybe you tweeted it and it was really interesting. Like we talked about female. Because of course I didn't remember all the details, but like female sexuality. And what are the questions that women have to ask about? Why don't women know how to connect with their body sexually?

Yeah. Yeah. That always mystified me.

Right.

Still does.

We were starting like a movement. It was. So if you guys haven't seen that one, check it out.

There is some new data, by the way, that sort of piles onto this and it makes me think we're in a little bit of a. Well, I know we're in a different historical moment here. I think anybody doesn't sort of feel that way is not living in with the rest of us.

Right.

And some data came out of Connecticut that shows that women, although they don't say they evaluate potential partners so much by physical appearance, when they measure it now it turns out they are. And even their moms are. So in other words, if you hold personality and character traits constant, he's nice, he's giving, he's thoughtful, he's blah, blah, blah, hold all those things constant and show you five pictures of guys, you will pick the better looking guy for sure.

Of course. Who wouldn't?

Well, but they say they'll do less than they would and they actually. And the moms do a little less, but same kind of thing. So I think in this age when we're bombarded by images of porn and pictures of beautiful people, it's not just affecting men anymore. So, you know, women have always complained, like the body image stuff, because there's so many images. I think it's now translating fully over to men where they're getting these Adonis complexes. Right. They're worried about how they look. You were giving me shit for worrying about my diet before.

I'm like, I got M and Ms. For us and you're like doing work all the time.

Don't we do it? It's our normal thing.

I know we do, but.

And now the choosers are also being affected.

I think that men have more.

You're saying women are being more choosy about the physical appearance?

I guess that women are like.

Not that they would all never have any. They always, they. Oh, in previous studies it didn't show as much and they reported less even than they're doing now.

That's interesting. I wonder if it does have to do with all the, the social. I'm not sure what it does. Well, I would think of everything. I would think that would always be the same with all be else being equal, if empirically there's a photo.

You're right. You're right. However, it seems to be more powerful now.

Okay.

All else being equal. Right. And they're going to, they're going to start to look at different age groups, things like that. But I think there's a, a little shift going on and why not, right? Why shouldn't there be shifts?

Well, there's always shifts, I guess, going on.

And that goes to what you wanted to talk about, which is that we are an embedded species, and we don't like thinking about that. We like thinking about our individualism, and we like studying individual brains and individual systems and talk about our individual experiences, but we are deeply embedded in a history and a social context.

Exactly.

And I'm thinking a lot about that these days.

So let's. Okay, so that's the other thing I was going to talk about, is that I saw you speak at the Human Gathering Project. Is that was the human. What is it called?

Th. Something. The Human Gathering.

Thg.

Thg. They're Human Gathering.

I was there for three days. And you opened it? It was random. I met the guys who were starting it or who were a part of it, creating it, and they're like, oh, we're doing this thing tomorrow. And then they asked what I did, and I said, I did this radio show, and I think I heard you on loveline. Well, actually, Dr. Drew's speaking. I'm like, he is. He's a good friend of mine. I'm gonna show up. And I was so blown away because I've heard you speak so many times. I've watched your show Loveliness. You've sat next to each other on Loveline, and I've watched your show on hln, and I've actually listened to more your podcast than own. And you were on stage, and it was captivating because it's kind of like the environment was sort of like set up like a TED Talky kind of thing.

Right.

It was kind of thought leaders. And I don't know how much they even told you what it was. I didn't even realize they had.

They didn't. You know, always those things, they're very difficult to define. We're going to change the world. Here's what we're going to do. We change. I'm like, all right.

But it was through consciousness, though, and connection.

And I do want to get into it. But I did have another funny thought about. I woke up a couple days ago and I thought, you know what? Scientists and physicians and engineers never do those kinds of conferences. We are too goddamn busy trying to figure. Figure the facts out, figure the truth out and apply it, rather than, we're going to save the world here. We just discovered how to save the world. We're going to go do it. No, no. We're actually trying to actually figure this stuff out.

Are you saying, like, you don't do the navel gazing kind of things?

Not navel gazing. We don't. You never see physician groups going, we're Going to have a gathering. We're going to. To figure out how to solve that. No, we're too busy actually doing it. And that was sort of like.

I thought you were kind of saying, like, why are they wasting their time? But you're saying, no, in general, the physicians should be the ones who maybe who are getting.

No, no. They may be wasting their time or not. I don't know. You only find business people doing that, is what I'm saying. True. Because everybody else too busy actually applying their skill and developing their craft and stuff. And it was sort of what I was talking about too. Remember I was saying, listen, it's one person at a time, and in order to really change one person, you have to have a lot of skill and a lot of wisdom, a lot of experience. And they miss that part. They want to go solve clean water for the world, which I don't. I applaud them for. Absolutely.

I don't see. I didn't get any of that. I don't even remember that part. I'm not even talking about that. See, this is why you were there. But you.

Well, no, but this is the part I didn't emphasize because I was always afraid people were going to get turned off by that. I don't mean to turn them off. I mean to say they're looking for something more. They made a bunch of money and they're looking for something more. I've seen a million of these guys, right.

I know all these guys.

Yeah.

Before they.

And they always. Now they're like. And I always get pissed off. I'm like, dude, I've been making a difference for a long time, and I'm very grateful to have that. I wish I had your money. I mean, that would be fantastic for my family.

But they're talking about philanthropy and giving back and then how they've been.

It's grandiose. It's grandiose. And my point is, you really want to get that feeling of Eudaimonia, which is what I was talking about, which is a certain kind of happiness. You get it one person at a time. Recovering people have it right. They have it like crazy, right? People that are in helping have it like crazy, right? And they don't want to do that. They don't want to get the skill. They don't want to take the time. They don't patience. It's a really interesting thing, but you were talking, and I don't want to discourage it from it because I want them to solve the water problem for.

Africa, whatever they Were talking about. It was more about, like, it was about consciousness than it was about.

Well, I was talking about that. I was. Yeah, they went on to talk about that.

A lot of people. I mean, no, because I told you, people were talking about company culture. And I'm like, oh, God, do I have a good company culture? Is everyone here happy? You know, and there was some businessy stuff, like, they're pointing at the sex toy class.

Oh, I see. They're pointing at the closet.

Do I talk to my staff? You know, there was stuff like that, and there was about, like, businesses and. And making connections. But you were like, on the. Like, there was a moment. And Valerie, your publicist, who's been with you for 20 years, I did not know she was there. And then we both look at each other, run across to him. She's like, I've never seen him like this. So it was when you were on the floor and you were, like, talking about how. We were talking about happiness, first of all, and you were talking about how it's this elusive thing, and there's all these books on happiness, and no one ever defines what happiness is. And then you're saying, you know, it's actually about, you know, you were saying that you're grateful. If you're grateful a few times a day, that's what, you know, can make. You have to sign that you could be happy.

And it also adds to happiness. Happiness, too.

Yeah, it kind of adds happiness. But then also when you were talking about. And this might be too much, because we do have callers, we have things that we're doing.

It's a word a little away from sex a little bit, but go ahead.

But I don't know. I just. When you were talking about your experience, I think it was with your therapy. Emotional motive therapy. Is that what it is?

Emotionally focused therapy.

Oh, God. Emotionally focused therapy. And you were talking about how you had the patient and you heard that.

Yeah, I hear these things and I feel these things. That happens to me all the time. Yeah.

And then that's. I think that's. But it's like the embodiment and it's the work, and it's. So a lot of what people are feeling, they don't know what even know what they're feeling and how it manifests in your body and how you learn to connect with people. And then you got on the floor and you were talking about our parents. You're like, if you're a parent, you have to mimic back their emotions.

And then you got on your knees and well, this woman was like, how am I going to be a great parent? I'm like, do this, get down, down to your kid's level. And I was trying to show and be face to face. Let your body attune. And when it does a tune, guess what? Your heart rate will mirror the kid's heartbeat. Your, even your hippus, your, the pupillary movements in your iris will actually mimic your kid. And then just stay open and reflect back on your face and appreciation of what the child's experiencing. And that little model is an exchange that we can use in everyday life. The mirroring in our face. Women do that almost automatically. Do it very slowly.

They do, they do.

You're doing a little bit of right now, even with me. And I'm acutely aware of it because I had to really do a little bit pronounced as a male in order to set the boundary and to show that appreciation of what they're experiencing. And if you remember on celebrity rehab, the patients used to give me shit about it, go, no, there he is with that sad face again. It's like, no, I'm signaling, I'm signaling. It's a different. I'm not catching your feeling, but I am deeply appreciating your feeling. And I'm signaling you. I'm not telling you because telling goes to a different part of the brain. The signal goes to the deeper, right sided, holistic, embedded part of the relationship.

And is that something that you think as a physician, you learned it or more through the therapy? I feel like you were talking about your therapeutic experience that allowed connect more with yourself. And then I was talking about the same with everybody.

I was talking about my therapeutic experience as a patient. I was talking about my therapeutic environment as a practitioner. And then I was talking about my disciple. What's the word for all? Like the disciples? Yeah, I was talking about all the people I. What were Jesus's fathers called? Disciples.

Disciples, yeah.

There are like, there's disciples out there that I am their St. Paul.

Right.

There's a guy named Peter Fonagy whose stuff I'm describing now is a guy named Alan Shore. There's a guy named Stephen Porges, a guy named Dan Siegel, a guy named Bessel Vanderkolk, who I forgot to mention at the bench. These guys, I'm telling you, these guys have worked this stuff out. And I listen and read their stuff like I'm reading the Bible. I'm just in awe of it. And so it's because deep, deep application. It's the next hundred years. I'M telling you, it's the beginning of the next hundred years of understanding the human experience.

Right. And I think that a lot of. Well, a lot of what we talk about is we're always saying, loveline, you should see it, you should see a therapist, you should go to therapy, you should do this, you should do that. People, I don't know, it's just like, it's another. It was another way of showing that how much that experience. People don't really get it. They're like, I go talk about myself and pay 300 bucks.

There's lots of bad therapists and there's.

So many bad therapists.

Behavioral therapies which have evidentiary sort of practice associated with them. They work, they work for short term problems. But really I almost thought, I thought, I think I said this. We should have a different sort of term for this sort of finding meaning, fully evolving.

That's where it's all right. But I think that a lot of it is about your thoughts.

It is, but it's not mental health. It's like mental health evolution or something. It's mental.

It's mindfulness.

No, it's realization rather than health. Self realization. Again, we're back.

But just as important. I don't know. Okay, this is what I just.

But all our craziness comes out in relationships. Nowhere does relationships come out more than no craziness come out in a relationship.

That's why we all need a little bit of therapy. Like, I have a hard time, I think too with people who dating someone who hasn't. And I think we have a lot of callers today that we can help along that line. But what I want to talk to you about first is a little sex of the news. I want to talk to you about the dick click.

The what? Oh, when your ligament clicks.

No, that's not the dick click. This was in the news today. You might have. You're probably doing some radio show. No, dude, listen to this. So there are plenty of male contraceptives in development at the moment. But a new switch device has been revealed which may be the strangest of the lot. A new device called the dick click. Works in the same way as a vasectomy, but it's like an alternative.

Yeah.

It operates via surgically inserted valves.

I'll wear this one.

Do you know this? And there's literally a click on your penis that would. They could be like, I want the sperm on, I want the sperm off. Who's going to remember to do it?

It's not had been fully Drunk or something. Reversible. Vasectomies have been tried a million times. And they're sort of.

They don't work or they do. We were talking about before, I'm like, do they work?

They don't work reliably. And this is a company that really doesn't have the research yet to say that they want to.

Do you see the pictures of it? Have you seen the pictures of it?

What's going with your hands?

Why?

Why are they red?

I don't know.

Is that new?

No. I didn't even.

Do your hands get cold when you put in the refrigerator?

Yeah.

You have Raynos.

Oh, I brushed my teeth. That can't be it. I brushed my teeth with hydrocortisone by mistake earlier. Would that do it? Nah, I mean, I spit it out right away.

Pretty smart, though. Your hands turn. Your hands turn when they get in the refrigerator freezer during a break. We're gonna stick your hands in the freezer and see what happens. Wait, do they hurt when you get in the cold?

Sometimes, yeah, but I avoid the cold like the plague.

Because your hands.

Do you think I have that rhino syndrome?

That's what I think. That's what that looks like.

Cause they're red like that.

I've never noticed that before.

Oh, my God. I don't know. It's pretty. I don't know what it is, Drew. God, I'm glad it's not the hydrocortisone.

I feel hot. There. Push them against. I don't mean my arm is warm and yours.

I am hot.

Yeah. No, you're not. You're just. Your hands.

Cause look, they are warm. And I'm sorry, your arm is not.

Your arm is not.

I wish you could all see this. This is fascinating. Okay, well, I'm feeling good.

Good. It's not Reno's, as an isolated thing, is not a big deal. My mom has it, so it tends to be.

But I never had it. But now I'm just becoming my mother in every way, shape and form. I'm gonna start talking like this.

No, that is not gonna happen. I promise you that's not gonna happen. You passed that window.

I don't know. Okay, so this thing probably wouldn't happen. Men won't wanna take responsibility for this at all. But.

But it's a good idea.

I just wanna show you the switch. You guys. We'll look at this. Yeah, this. It's like they put the switch in their scrotum.

Yeah. Yeah.

Literally. That's a win.

Win. Yeah. Well, that kind of.

Men don't take responsibility.

Well, no. When you look at the. The penis implants, the penis pumps.

Yeah.

They're kind of like devices like this, but those are. That's a lot of hardware. It's not a minor thing. It's a big deal. So. Yeah, I had read about that, and it started like, it's not gonna. Probably not gonna happen.

Okay. None of this could happen. The male pill won't happen because men will happen.

No. No male pill.

I have a headache side effect.

No, no male pill will have. Something like that will happen because it's not about. They cannot do it hormonally. In men, you can't do it.

They can't stop the sperm.

Right. So it's going to be some sort of blocking agent, either blocks capacitance. Before the sperm can penetrate the egg, it has to do something called capacitance. The head of the sperm has to change in a certain way that helps it penetrate. So it's either going to interrupt with the movement of the tail or the capacitance, I think.

And you think it's really going to happen someday?

Someday. It'll take a while.

I just feel like that we're spending so much time on the female pills and stuff like that. They're not going to. The men wouldn't take it. They wouldn't be responsible. I don't know. Okay, that's another thing. Should we get some calls? Drew, is there anything else going on in your world?

Oh. Oh, finally. No, no, no. I was gonna say, finally they have some. Finally they're admitting, oh, guess what? Oral contraceptives cause depression in female. Oh, my God.

They're just saying that.

They're just really sort of coming out with it in a big way. And it's like, no. How many times on Loveline do we say, are you on the shot? Are you on progesterone?

Every day? Every.

Right. That's right.

Why don't they warn women at all? I would think that there's more information now. But now we know the fact. I mean, Anna, everything.

Oh, my God. Anna. Did Anna have Anna?

No. Did I say Anna?

I thought that's what you said.

Oh, no, I said. And on the last show. No, but Anna. I don't know if Anna did. But when I was on the last show, we were talking about how women have no information about sex. They're disconnected from their bodies. Younger girls, like when they're first having sex.

You still now.

Yes, we talked. You're like me. See, I didn't remember either. Why everyone Loved the show. Cause everyone here loved it, too, with us. So I was like, okay, I'll listen. Yes. I ran. I'm like, I'm gonna listen to the show. And I'm like, oh, this was pretty good. We talked all about how women don't under. What did I. I wrote it down.

Cause I still don't remember. I'm sure what I was talking about, though, was how mystified it that in this day and age, how that's possible.

That's what I. I was upset because I had family. I had family and friends who have kids who are 17. And they're like, sex hurt. I don't understand sex. I don't masturbate. Gross. And it hurts inside of me. The penis, the condom. Ew. And they don't understand. They don't understand sexuality. They don't understand why they should masturbate. They don't even know why. They don't want to be vulnerable. So they don't even want relationships with anybody. So they're just having sex to please the guy. Nothing's changed. Because I felt that way.

Right? And that means there's something biological in this. And so we have to. There's a difference. And guess what, everybody. Men and women, are different biologically. So you have to help them with that biology. You have to treat the men, you're trying to get them not to do something, but you can't get them to stop. And the females, you're trying to get them to engage with it, to be a part of it.

Exactly.

You know, it's funny. I saw something on. Do you ever watch that show? Oh, this is way out of your demo. But Frankie and Yes, yes.

Just because everyone's talking about it. Yeah, I've seen one episode, okay?

Susan loves it. My wife loves that show. And in there, they eventually get a vibrator business. It reminds me of you a million times. The second, third season, they really get into this vibrator business. And one of the character, a male. Young male's female partner, they have sex. They do it for a long time. She says it's great. And he leaves the vibrator behind. The mom's vibrator device, which is supposedly this wonderful, super special device.

They are super special.

I'm sure something like that exists in your closet already.

We'll get some treats.

Yeah. And. And he hears her after they've had this long session, masturbating and making a different sound, and it freaks him the hell out. And I thought, oh, that is so much about the man. And he confronts her. He goes, look, how come I couldn't make. This is like the man. We want you to have the ultimate experience with our penis.

Exactly.

How come you. Well, I couldn't. He was, like, so upset. She goes, oh, no, no, it's not better. It's just different. We're like, okay, here's what I heard. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Exactly.

It wasn't my penis. My penis was not in the room.

But we have. When you say it's different and it sounds more intense, we just hear, we missed out. We didn't hit it right. It's weird. And we can't imagine. We can't literally can't imagine that there's an equivalent experience that's better or good. That's not about orgasmic intensity. Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely.

Because we're fully in that sort of biological zone in our sexuality.

No, that's true.

Even though we appreciate the connection, we like the intimacy and stuff. In terms of the orgasm part, there's an orgasm, it's either intense or super intense, and that's it.

And if it's super intense and you weren't there and it was different than the ego, it's the ego too.

It's more than ego because it's not biology. But it's a language we don't understand. Because I still, as someone who tries to be very attuned to all that, I really don't understand. I watched that scene. I went. I have no idea what she's talking about. And yet that's a real thing. I know that's a real thing. I really don't know what she's talking about.

It would be like if you used, let's say, a fleshlight, like a male masturbation sleep. All you could think about is, like, that's still your hand, though. I mean, I guess a vibration doesn't feel. You're just saying, having an orgasm with a vibrator, not a penis, is not. What do you.

No, see, you don't understand what I'm saying.

I don't understand the way you don't understand.

Right, right. That's the craziness here. Men will have more intense experience based on who they're with, novelty, what their eyes are perceiving and what you're experiencing.

Right.

That's the rest. That's the. Right. Is there any other thing?

I need the vibrator. I'd rather be with a man.

And, like, more nords of the vibrator. I'm already jealous. More nords of the Vibrator? What are you talking? Huh?

Maybe my orgasm. Maybe. You said the orgasm sounded different on the tv.

I know, and you just said you make more noises. The vibrator. Sometimes I have more orgasms and I'm jealous. For your partners, I'm immediately jealous.

I make a lot of noise.

Am I right? Look, there's another man sitting here. He knows.

But, Michael. What? You'd be jealous.

It's weird, and there's no reason. I understand. It's totally right.

What about when you masturbate? Isn't it different? Like.

No, it's just whatever we're looking at, it's what we're looking at.

Yeah, but then couldn't we. But women are threatened all the time by male masturbating. They're like, I don't understand why he's looking for that.

We're not threatened. We're hurt. We're disappointed. Right?

But women are disappointed all the time by their partners who watch porn. They're like, oh, my God, does she want me to.

They're threatened. We're not threatened. We're like, why? Why? I'm hurt. Why can't I. Why can't I do that?

Cause you don't vibrate, but you just can't do it.

Let's do it.

There's actually ones that can attach to your penis, your fingers. We could turn your penis into a.

Like, wrap something around it, but then you guys won't. You won't bring it all together. Like, then you go, no, no, no.

Until you left. And then we take it off and we leave that here. Let me take it off your penis before you walk out the door. I know it's all very confusing. Okay? We're gonna. We're gonna take some calls. But this was. This is a good time, right?

I mean, it's. To me, it's. We didn't talk about this at all. And it caught my attention.

I was just saying we talk about women and sexuality and how confused they are. But no, we. I don't.

But this is.

This is the.

That difference. That. That is a perceptual difference, and we're.

Not teaching kids well.

But it's. It's. It's. The perceptual difference is so profound that we don't understand what each other are talking about. And here you and I are trying to. And open to it, and we can't do it because it is such a different experience for men and women.

I know. So people have to go easy on themselves, I think, too, because it's like, Relationships, they're going to be. It's going to be a challenge if you choose to be with a member of that.

But that's just the sexuality part. I mean, then you layer in all of our histories and psychologies and interpersonal craziness. Then here we go.

That's why I'm really happy living alone with my 16 vibrators. Truly. And dating. And then I have a choice to go home. Okay, we're going to.

Anybody interesting?

No, not yet. I have like three dates.

I hope they're listening.

I hope they're not. They are listening. Here's the problem. So I'm dating. Got immediately.

If they weren't. If they weren't upset enough about knowing they couldn't give you the certain sound with their penis, now they're truly crushed. Well done. Well done. Castrating ball buster.

I never knew that women make different noises too. Like, like, you know, like evolutionarily speaking, wasn't it when they were with a man, A different man. It was like their mating call. Like the more sound lot this when they're made noises, louder screams. It was because their partner was coming home and they were like, you know, they were like, we're talking about like cavemen. When they would.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's why, like, it's all about like mating calls.

Yeah, it is.

So I'm like mating call with my. My vibrator.

No, I understand, but. But it's something that your. Your actual mates are concerned about.

They are listening, some of them, but I. Cause they find out what I do.

I know.

And then they listen. And then he's like, so you're gonna bring lube? He sent me like an emo. He sent me an eggplant emoji as a joke today. I have a date tonight. And then he's like, I wish there was a lube emoji. I'm like, we've never met and you're talking to me about lube. But you've been listening to my podcast.

It's inappropriate.

How dare you cancel. What are you doing tonight?

I'm always getting you to cancel dates. I don't know.

I know. Okay, so Drew DrDrew.com by the way, is that still what we said, everyone?

Yes. Yes.

I wouldn't have known that had I not listened to our yesterday's podcast. All our podcasts interesting to listen to. Drdew.com, you've a million podcasts which just go there.

I got this Life got weekly infusion. We have Dr. Drdew podcast. We have the Me and Adam podcast. So if you have anybody fans of Loveline out there, Adam. And we're still together.

There are.

We're contemplating. Mike and I are contemplating doing one podcast because a lot of people.

Mike at Thewood, who was the other host. Yeah, a lot of people. We have a lot of international listeners who might not know about Loveline. So you guys are gonna do maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe in your spare time, you could just do it at the KBC or whatever, right?

Yeah, we could. Yeah. Good point.

Okay, good. Should we give a shout out to our sponsors and we'll be right back. Thank you, everyone, for listening to the show and thank you for supporting our sponsors. We love them and we only, like, talk about people and. And work with brands and sponsors that we actually use Tribe Leave in. And we hope you will, too. We'll be right back.

Okay, so we're gonna take calls because we have people. Our first call is from Australia and he spoke up and he's been waiting for us to call.

Fantastic.

So let's do that. Jeremy. He's 23, from Australia, and he's got some condom conundrums.

Ooh.

Hey, Jeremy. I'm here with Dr. Dupinski.

My special guest is Condom conundrum, a new phrase.

I just made it up.

It's a good one. It should be a little corner. Condom conundrums.

The condom conundrums. Yeah.

Yes. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Hello. Thank you for coming from Australia. Good morning. You're our first.

Thank you.

I'd just like to say, long time listener, first time caller. Love your work.

That's what I'm talking about.

Thanks.

Yeah.

And if it wasn't for listening to your podcast, I'd be doing everything wrong because of, you know. I'm so glad to hear that you get from porn.

Exactly. That's we're talking about. You can't learn from porn. You can enjoy porn. Not going to judge you, but you're not going to learn from it. Oh, Jeremy, I'm glad you found us.

I did just have kind of my first sexual experience recently, and I think everything was going all right. You know, foreplay was really enjoyable for both of us. And then, yeah, I go to put on the plastic and, yeah, my boner just sort of just goes limp, dies away.

Okay.

She's kind of. She's kind of looking at me and I'm looking at her. It's really awkward.

You got it. This happens. This is. We're gonna help you.

Okay. How old Are you. How old are you?

23.

23. And this was your very first. Very first attempt at intercourse? Yeah. Okay. There's a dirty little secret that the majority of men. The majority of men have some type of major sexual dysfunction in their first outing. It's just absolutely going to happen. And many times that's merciful for your female partners, provided it's not delayed ejaculation. But you can have delay, you can have premature, you can have erectile dysfunction, you can have pain. Any form of sexual dysfunction is exceedingly common. First time out and seemingly out of the blue, right. Like, you don't feel anxious, you're having a good time, and all of a sudden nothing's working. You have somebody else's penis all of a sudden right now. Right. Is that what it felt like?

I suppose so. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, this was just the first time. Clear it up. This was just one time it happened. Is that what you're saying? Or did it happen several times?

A couple of times now.

Okay.

Oh, and so every time. Okay, so the next time you worry it's gonna happen again, it can make it happen again.

It becomes a thing.

But a lot of men have difficulty sustaining erection when they put a condom on. That's just a chronic problem for some men. And what we've always told people. Remember we used to tell people on.

Loveline, what do we tell them?

We would tell them to practice.

To practice on the line.

I'm sure you practice skateboarding and surfing and a million other things. Practice when you masturbate. Practice putting a condom on without losing erection and masturbate with the condom on.

That's exactly. That's practice.

Tune your penis up to the condom and find the one that works for you and find the one that's good. But practice putting it on and then practicing what it feels like having a experience with the condom on with your whatever. Whatever Emily. Devices you're using to do so.

No, I think that's a really good point. I remember that. To practice with the condom. Because I think if you've only. You've had sex a few times and you remember like it does. It's true if you ate the first time, you came too quickly or you got limp and then you're like, oh, it's gonna happen again. The other thing is, I'm not sure what kind of condom you're using, but there's so many kind of condoms out there right now that it could be the wrong size. You might not have enough lubrication. My favorite. You've heard Me, talk about skin condoms. S, K, Y, N. They're polyisoprene. They're non latex. They are the best condoms.

Did you say skin?

Yeah, skin, K, Y, N. I've heard of those. I'm sure they have. Yeah. They're by Lifestyles. Like, Lifestyles makes great condoms too. But they're like, they're a, you know, their brand underneath the Lifestyles brand, and they're amazing. And so I think even just switching it up, get like a variety pack online. Go to my website. I think we have a bunch of them on my website. But you're in Australia. Do we mail to Australia? I'm not sure we do. Awesome. So check them out. Try just all this stuff. Getting new information. Practicing and getting new condoms. You're gonna be fine. I'm so not worried about it.

By the way, your female part, she doesn't care.

Is that what you say?

Well, no. She either is having one of two experiences. She doesn't care and she feels bad for you, but there's always a little twinge of, he's not that attracted to me. They always have that weird. And it's never about that. In fact, the erectile dysfunction is more likely to occur when the guy's too attracted too into it. The anxiety then makes you not work.

That's true. She's thinking, perhaps she could be thinking, oh, he's not hard enough.

So you got to reassure. You got to reassure. I gained three pounds because I was so into you. Three.

But yeah, tell her how she worry.

About the wrong stuff. Oh, my God.

That's what we could do another show on too Body Image. But it's true. Yeah. So she's not thinking that. But I would reassure her. Tell her, you know, don't just ignore it if it happened three times with the same person, because she knows she was there.

Yep.

You know what I'm saying? So, yep. Okay, good.

Normally we intercourse just, you know, goes off the table and we just sort of play around instead.

That's great, too.

I can try practicing.

Try practicing. I love it. Try skin contact.

The right size and all that. Okay, let me know.

Credo to all men. All males.

All males.

More oral sex for female partners.

Dude. Yes.

Right? I mean, yes. Don't be ridiculous. Except for that 1 little 5% that's stealing all the orgasms that don't like oral sex.

And, like, you even know who those women are.

They're very rare. They're the thing you made up. No, no, no, no.

Because now other people are like, well, she must Just. Yeah.

She must be in my field work. In my field work.

Women. I know. I don't really think you made it up. You wouldn't make stuff laugh like that. I might. Our next call is Amy. She's 29, from Seattle, and her boyfriend wants more sex than she does.

What? Never.

Oh, my God. Hey, Amy, this is Emily, and I have special guest Dr. Drew Pinski here. We're both here to help.

Hi, Emily.

How are you? Hi. I'm good. How are you? Hi.

I'm doing well, thank you.

Welcome to the show.

So mismatched sexual desire. Probably the most common problem that a couple ever gets sexually anyway.

Yeah. And the first thing to ask always is, what's he looking for? And what are you looking for? What are the actual numbers?

He would be happy with twice a day, probably, if not more. Oh, my God. I'm happy with, like, maybe four or five times a week.

Okay.

Well, that seemed.

Yeah, that's pretty.

I would say that's pretty fair. I would say normal.

Yeah. So when.

That's pretty good.

When guys go crazy like that, that's pretty crazy. Rate. It's not. I wouldn't call it abnormal, but it's like, huh. Either that guy's got an amazing engine, which some guys just do. That's just their rhythm.

How old is he?

32.

Okay.

But more often than not, there's something else going on when it's really at that rate, where you go, oh, my God, how could you even physically do it? Then you worry about manic episodes, like, may he have hypomanic? Does he have bipolar disorder? Anybody like that in his family?

Nope, not that I'm aware of.

Okay. And then sex addiction is the other thing we kind of think about when somebody's really going at it to a point where it's physically, like, almost impossible, or it's just him. And there is such a thing as just that at twice a day.

Yeah. I mean, does any of this resonate with you at all, Amy? Because I feel like, how is he handling it when you're like, no, I don't want to have it twice a day? Like, is this a fight? Are you guys. Is he. Like, that's cool. Like, how are you guys dealing with this?

It doesn't always escalate to a fight, but it definitely is a tense area in our relationship, and he takes it personally. Like, he thinks that it's not like, I don't want to be with him. Like, why wouldn't I want.

Every man.

Every time a woman says no to.

We Always do. We always do. We always do. And we're. We have to get used to it chronically because every one of us males gets in that position where their female partners are saying, no, God forbid if we turn them down once they've freaked the hell out. But we get used to it.

What happens when you try to talk about this?

It really depends. But he's really open. We've been best friends for over four years. We communicate really well. But it's hard for him not to let his testosterone take over. And he gets kind of frustrated and kind of angry and not in a violent way, but just you can tell he's like, he isn't getting what he wants and therefore he gets frustrated.

Really, it is about compromise. It's about saying, we gotta talk about this, because that's just not gonna happen twice a day. But maybe if you have expectations about when it is going to, what are.

You able to maintain? What are you actually pulling off for him, so to speak?

Five days, probably right around four, five times a week. Well, okay, so what I'm happy with.

Yeah, but maybe you ought to. You got to meet him in the middle a little bit, right? Maybe you got to meet him in the middle. No, no, that's what she wants. Maybe she's got to go beyond what she wants and do a little bit more. Right. Why should it be only what she wants?

Right. Because like, life. Yeah. I mean, so what would that be? That would be six or seven days a week.

Yeah, I think you would. I think you.

I guess I'm trying to balance and make sure I get like, my personal time in too. Like, I really like just going to bed early sometimes.

You know what? I don't always.

You know, sometimes I just want to do me.

There was some research came out that showed that partners will take sleep over sex most times. And I found that they will.

What? They'll take sleep over sex.

They prefer, you know, when they're tired.

They will, oh, choose sleep over sex.

And I, and I thought to myself, that's a mistake. I understand it, I get it. But it's not. You need to prioritize your relationship.

Well, I always say you got to prioritize your sex life in relationship. It really is important. Is this the guy you're going to be with? You think you're going to get married, have children, spend the rest of your life with them?

Yep, that's. That's the plan.

Okay, well, if that's the plan, then this is the most important thing with sex. If there's A problem with sex in the relationship. There's going to be problems all over the relationship. So I think you guys do have to find a healthy way without fighting with, you know, really communicate. You know, just say, we've got to talk about the. If it's a compromise or if it's like you're not going to get it every time you want it. But maybe it's like, you know, maybe it's twice on Saturdays or something like the weekend when you're not tired or you adjust the times you get up a little earlier so you can sleep at night. But it is about compromise and it is about talking about it so he doesn't get frustrated. He knows what to expect. Scheduling sex. I always thought it was a horrible idea, but I know that could actually work. It could take a lot of the pressure off. You laugh of him, so.

But don't, don't, don't. This is the one I hate. Don't schedule it and then back out.

Yeah, you can't bail on a sex date. You can't bail on a sex date. Yeah, but I just think you have to find a way of communicating to him about this in a healthy way without anger, without escalation. When you're not in the home, you're.

Not having beta, step it up a little bit. And then you need to look at him honestly. Is he sort of hypomanic? Hypomania is not a bad thing, but, you know, our president's hypomania.

Does he masturbate?

Is he masturbating? Right. And there are other things he can do to take care of himself and ask him, like, hey, you need to take some responsibility for your own sexuality, too. You can't see, twice a day to.

Me is a little. I'm sorry, but I would think, like, it is. I don't think she has to step up to that.

I feel like if she gets six or seven times a week, I bet he settles down. Number one, I'm exhausted. And then number two, there's something we don't talk about enough is that we shouldn't be burdening our partners with the totality of our sexual needs, whatever that might be. In other words, that's kind of unfair.

That's why the vibrator. Why are you guys so upset that I'm using the vibrator without you?

No, it's just what it sounds like when you do the vibrator.

Listen, sorry, Amy. We were talking about how vibrators. Men don't get, whether they just feel different, not Bad. Better than you know, and I get you on your self love times. I think there's a way to talk to him about this that's like you probably having the same conversation over and over again. It's not going anywhere. So it's like taking it out of the house when you guys are like, you know, not in the bedroom, and just saying, listen, I love you. We've got to find a way to work this out through compromise without you getting angry. Buy him a Fleshlight, you know, give him time to masturbate, do his own thing so you're both, like, satisfied, which I think you can do.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I think that's definitely the key.

Okay, cool. Thanks, Amy. So glad to talk to you. Bye. That is a big that I would say that is one of the top questions. We get asked about mismatched libidos all the time. And it's men and women.

And to me, it's bizarre that people aren't aware that that's likely to happen. They sort of prepare for it, work it out and figure it out and stuff.

None of these things. People are huge fans, but they ask every day. Every day. That's what gonna help them. That's why we're here on the planet. Okay, next call is Marie, 33, from Boston, and she wants to know how to have pleasurable sex during pregnancy. Hi, Marie. I'm here with Dr. Dupinsk, my special guest today. So we're both here to help you with this.

Hi, Good afternoon.

How are you? Good afternoon. We're so good. So tell me what's going on.

Yeah, And I'm super excited about the guest as well.

Yeah.

Hello.

It's good, Drew. She's excited about you. Yeah, you got it.

Hey there.

Hi.

She may be one of that 1% I was just talking about what.

Okay, Drew. Okay, tell us what's going on. Drew's already jumping to conclusions about you here. Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, no worries. And first of all, can you hear me okay? I'm using my headphones.

You sound great. You sound amazing.

Awesome. Okay, great. So basically, so right now I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I'll be 21 weeks on Friday.

I found out on it was week 19, so it'll be two weeks ago Friday. So the baby's fine. We had the full on ultrasound. Everything with the baby is perfect. My health is great, so that is a huge plus. But one thing we found out is, is I have a condition called placenta.

Previa, which that's what I was afraid you're going to say, that's the one time you gotta be extra super careful with all this.

Right?

Yeah. Huh?

Exactly.

Have they forbidden intercourse because of it?

They have.

Okay. And placenta. Let's tell you about it. Placenta previa is where the placenta. It's not in the right position. Not right. It's in an unusual position. So it lies over the cervix. And as such, if you stimulate the cervix, you can start bleeding and cause all kinds of problems. You don't want to disrupt the attachment of the placenta.

Right. So you can't. So, yeah. Your issue is you can't have intercourse. You're trying to figure out what else to do.

Right. I told you this is somebody that likes intercourse.

You did say that.

Yes, I am.

And this is somebody who orgasms with you.

Do you orgasm through intercourse?

I do.

And you have more than one orgasm? Typically. Right, right.

Typically One.

One.

But I do. It is like a build. Like smaller orgasms up into, like, a bigger orgasm.

Right. And has any of that changed during pregnancy?

It has not, actually. And I will say I do feel more stimulated.

It's going to get even more in the third, you know, later on.

But your question is about how you guys can really connect now that you can't have intercourse.

No. Here's the problem. You got a zero in this. She's. She's in the category that doesn't really like the oral sex so much, you see?

Do you not like oral sex?

So I do, but not as much. So what I want to really get down to is, you know, how I can. I just feel like.

So hold on. So hold on.

This is.

That's why I brought this up.

Okay. When Drew and I were in love or his whole life in Loveline, he says that women. There's a lot of women who don't love oral sex.

A lot of women. Not a woman. A tiny minority.

Tiny, tiny minority of women.

They prefer intercourse, and they orgasm with intercourse more readily.

And when they have. But I thought you were saying. You said these women don't like oral.

No, the ones that are super sensitive, they have multiple, multiple orgasms.

That's what I meant.

They find oral sex unpleasant. That's the part I know. This young lady's in the middle. This lady's in the middle. She prefers to try to prove a point.

Because I told him. Okay, Drew, let's everyone.

They're all snowflowers, honey. They're all snowflakes. Snowflakes.

Snowflakes are snowflakes. Vaginas are Snowflakes. And we all have our own challenges, and they're beautiful.

But see, what the problem is with her, she can't. It's her. And can't do all the stuff that really gives a real orgasm. She can only do external stimulation, which is not as satisfying to her.

Right, Exactly. Exactly. And also, I find, you know, I love my husband to death. And I. You know, we have great sex, and we've had great sex throughout our relationship, so this is the huge thing to lose that. And he tries to, you know, reassure me. It's not all about that. And I get it. And he's just. He's been really good about it. And. And for me, it's just. I feel like with that lacking. Like, without that, it may affect our relationship or.

No, no, no.

See, that's what I wanted. He's gonna be fine. Like, if you're okay with it, good.

Men get their shit together. When he is protecting you and treating you like the vulnerable person, you know, this vulnerable state you're in, if he's responding to all that, believe me, his whole brain shifts into that mode.

So, yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't. And also, we also have a blog that we just put on our website this week. Helena, who works with me, she's actually pregnant, and she just did a lot of toy recommendations, and it's about a pregnancy sex blog. And she might be put in the.

Placenta preview thing, too. So people, you know.

Yeah. So anyway, it gives you a lot of, like, ideas about which toys to use, which positions are more comfortable. But I really think. Because in your email, you were saying when you initially contacted us, you were like, you're really worried about your husband. More than you. Because you're kind of. You're okay. You're getting pleased, but I feel like, yeah, he's a good guy.

You're with him.

He's not gonna damage your relationship. You're totally fine. Because I swear to God.

Because I'm not able to give him, like, the actual. And he reassures me. He's like, I'm fine. Like, I can go wild.

Oh, no, listen, you're just fine.

Honey, you gave him blowjob. Use a flashlight.

We need to study this woman. She's like the perfect wife. She's the perfect.

I know. She's. No, really, the whole email was about. She's worried he's gonna leave.

No, no, no. Well, if that's your worry, that's not leave.

But it's gonna ruin their relationship. But she thought he's gonna be really upset. And I feel like there's a lot.

Of ways to connect, but it's different ways. It's different when you're just not into it.

It's not like you have a headache for six months.

Right. You have extremely important medical needs that are being attended to, that are prioritized. And believe me, he will share that priority with you.

Yeah. Fleshlight blow jobs. You're fine. He's going to be happy. Hand jobs.

Yeah. No, that makes sense.

Lots of lube. You're good. Yeah. Thank you.

And we are doing those things. And over the last couple weeks, when this is just settled, I have felt better, but I feel like I did. I'm so glad that you responded because. At least to my email, because I feel like a lot of women out there have this or cannot have sex during pregnancy, and they're wondering, you know, what else I can do. And it's just something that's not. I didn't even know this was a condition before I got pregnant.

Yeah, exactly.

I didn't even know. Yeah.

You guys have to figure it all out as you're going along.

You're like, trust me, there are many medical things out there, many medical, wondrous things waiting to interfere with your sexuality.

No, I know, honey. Just stick with it. And. And again, we have this great blog on our site we just published, and you should check that out. We'll tweet it out this week, but you can go to our website now. And I just wish you luck and don't worry. Yeah.

Thank you. And one quick thing. One quick thing for Dr. Drew is. Or orgasms still, like, my doctor doesn't seem to be worried about the orgasms with this condition. And if you read something things online, they're like, oh, stay away from orgasming. And I just want to.

You know, I'm not an obstetrician, but that's not. It's usually the actual disruption, you know, the mechanical disruption rather than the contractions associated with orgasm. So unless you really have a very unstable placenta previa, and you certainly always ask your doctors, or ask your doctor, ask the nurse who picks up at their service, whatever, and just double check. But I don't think there'd be any problem with that. As long as you're not inserting anything.

Yeah. No insertion for a little bit.

Okay.

Okay. Good luck to you. Bye, Marie. Thanks.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Bye. Okay, so there's your 1 2%.

Maybe she's not that in the middle. I've always said there's a middle zone. Too. She's that middle zone. Yeah. No, I did not.

How did I know?

How did I know? How did I know?

You just know the woman, like, before they speak, you know, in her vagina.

No.

The vagina whisperer.

No, there's too many years on the radio.

I know. I got it. Yeah. Pregnant sex. It's like this whole mystery, because when else would you study pregnant sex until you're pregnant?

So what is the purpose of all this sex stuff anyway, if not to reproduce and have a pregnancy? There's that. That's one of the. I grant you, drew.

Then I'm just like, what am I doing with my life?

What's your pleasure and your intimacy and all this stuff?

Pleasure.

Intimate. But I'm glad you're blogging about it, because that's good, because that's going to get. People need that information. I've encouraged you over the years to do have a baby.

Well, just kidding. No, you have not encouraged me to do that.

No, I've encouraged you to.

What's the word I'm looking for? Include in this conversation things about medical conditions and sexuality and stuff. Because that's common.

Very common. And the pain. A lot of women feel so much pain during sex.

Yeah. And people don't think about pregnancy as a medical condition, but it is a medical condition.

Right. That's what we're doing. And Helena's, you know, pregnant. She's very interested. We've given her lots of toys. She's keeping very busy.

What's the best one? Oh, she's tired. What's the best one? Best toy? Magic wand.

The magic wand. It's magic. It's magic. And the C ring. And did you try the wish yet? I'm obsessed. Drew the wish.

Get it out of the closet, somebody.

It's amazing.

Literally, anytime Emily shows. Oh, my God. I got to see what it is.

You understand? It's a clitoral vibe. But you if. Do you know the clitoris has legs?

Yes.

Like, there's the legs.

Yes. The legal octopus. Right.

So it's your internal and external. External clitoral nerves. And that's what I'm all about. Like, the label you put, it's squishy and soft. It's by we vibe. I'm obsessed with it.

Okay.

Remember, I love the Jeju Mimi.

Yes. There's like, a mushy version of that.

This is a mushy, bigger, more clitorally stimulating vibe that I would change my middle name to Wish. It's Hope right now. I was like, forget Hope. It's gonna be Emily Wish more.

Is this rechargeable?

Yeah. Do you want it?

Yeah.

Okay.

We knew it.

Just don't lose the charger. Okay. Should we. Not you. I hear from his wife. Can we get a charger to things again? Just from Susan.

Yes. She can't keep track of one charger. I know. So all these things you give us, if they don't have.

Should I put a label on it?

If they're not battery operated, we quickly.

If they don't make the battery operated ones, they're not as powerful and fun.

We've got R. He's 40, Miami, and he feels stuck with dating and he's falling for women where he's clear he's not necessarily their first choice. Hi, R. I know. I'm here with Dr. Drew Pinski, my special guest today. So you've got two of us here to help you through this dating challenges. Hi. What's going on?

Well, kind of stuck in, I guess, the eternal friendship.

The friend zone is.

Yeah. I don't know if it's.

You know, we've got great chemistry, we talk a lot. And this is one person in particular.

Okay.

We met through a dating app three years ago and dated for a while. Nothing.

Really happened there. And she got back together with her boyfriend and there's a lot of relationship trauma there that has continued on over.

Okay.

Yeah, but she. Over the two or three years. Stop thinking you're going to rescue her from that. Stop it.

You're acting like a friend. She's going to treat you like a friend. See, that's how you get into the friend zone, is when you start being a friend.

Also, women put you in the friend zone. And once you're there, you are there.

Yeah, but you could avoid. Yes, that's true. You're not going to get out of it, R. Like, are you in love with her and you think she's going to all of a sudden get through all this men stuff and come you. Because that probably won't happen.

No, I mean, I.

Even if it does happen, when it does, when they retreat to the friend, it only lasts a few months and then really shatters the guy.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah. I mean, gotta be honest. Yeah. Listen, I just feel like for guys and this is a lot of your own work to do on yourself. But really, women, when we see you as a friend, you start acting. You said you talk on the phone for hours and maybe you put the gas in her car or you did this errand and you listen, I'm going.

To be a Little harsher. I'm going to look a little harsher because we're seeing a lot of this in millennial millennials right now. And let's call it what it is. It's stalking behavior. That's what it is. It's stalking light. You're stalking her in hopes of cultivating a relationship one day, and she has no idea that's what you're doing. She just thinks you're the friend. And it is a little obsessive. It is enough. You can settle for just friend. You want to be just a friend, that's fine. But don't kid yourself that it's part. Because if you're cultivating, if you're grooming.

Stalker.

No, but that's what it is. It's stalking behavior. I'm not calling him a stalker.

No. Okay.

It's stalking behavior.

I understand. Do you feel.

And it's unhealthy for him. I. I don't want him stalking.

I think it's unhealthy.

I can understand that.

No, I understand for you that it is unhealthy to keep hanging out unless you're getting a lot from. And she's helping you as well, with your issues and whatever is going on with your life. And it's like a mutually beneficial relationship, but if you're just kind of. You're there and you're the friend, but you're waiting. You're pining away for her.

They. They all. This is a sort of a typical concept. It is typical, which is the woman who goes after the powerful, abusive male repeatedly because of dad. That's her relationship with dad. And she keeps in the bullpen the guy she should be with and just keeps him there because she knows she should be and she likes. She needs that kind of connection on hand. It's too exploitative of the man. I don't. I don't want to. She's guilty, too, but he's in the meantime, falling for it and stalking.

What do you think about this? How does that make you feel? Does that resonate with you at all?

I can see some of it. I mean, I definitely see her as a good friend and probably one of my best friends. I don't necessarily. Stalking, I think, might be a little bit hard.

No, I think he's just saying in general, like, that the fact that it's not reciprocating.

I'm saying it's a construct. As a construct, it's stalking behavior. You're not a stalker. You don't mean anything wrong with her. It's not unethical.

I can understand it.

Yeah. It's just. It's for you. For you. It's. That kind of behavior. It's an obsession. It's, you know, one day, and if you can just be her friend, then. Cool. Be her friend. Then it's not anything.

Yeah. Is that what your. Was that your question? This is kind of a pattern, or was it for you that like a lot of women, or is it more about this one woman? Your question?

I think it's. It's more this one woman. It's.

It's been three years.

Yeah. It's been a complicated relationship because it's not only. You know, we not only talk about ourselves and her, we don't really talk about her current situation. You know, we talk, like, really good friends. We check in with each other daily, then your friends.

But there's no sexual energy that would make it a relationship.

I mean, we've never even kissed, so it's not.

So then what's the question, then? How can we help you with it?

I guess I'm. I'm trying to emotionally move on.

Yeah.

Why?

Because that's. That's kind of the hardest part is as I try to start dating, I always find myself just coming back to her energy, her attention.

Right. So it's good.

You got to pull back on that for me.

Right, of course. So we sleep with our exes, and, you know, it's the same thing. It's comfortable, it's safe. She knows you. You know her. But if you really want to be in a relationship, the more that you talk to her and the more that you keep her in your world, it's not that you can't be friends, but you're just gonna have to ease. You know, you're gonna have to ease up on it. It's practice, and she has been a part of your life, and I get it. But it's like when I tell people to break up with somebody, it's like you can't keep talking to them all the time.

And what do we tell people tell people to tell.

Six months, a year without talking, delete. Don't talk after that.

Because it's like an addiction. It's the same part of the brain.

It is like an addiction.

Same part of the brain going on.

Yeah. It is addictive. Exactly.

You have to break it. You have to break the biology, and then you can go back and be okay.

Yeah. But if you really are serious about our relationship, you do have to break it with her. And I know it's really hard because you're close and intimate, but it's. You're just gonna have to. If you can pull back, that's great, but you probably have to go cold turkey. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

I can see that.

Okay.

Or get some therapy. Get some support. You have somebody in your corner, really process all this.

Huge fan of therapy.

Yeah.

If you haven't had therapy yet, just, like, go. So, you know, tomorrow.

No, definitely.

Okay.

My emotional support group.

Perfect. Okay, good. You have an emotional support group already?

Yeah, that's code for something that's.

Yeah. What does that mean?

Well, we've got a very good group of friends.

Okay.

You know, between health issues and personal issues, we just.

That's good.

We just try to be there.

What are the health.

Yeah, what's your health? Okay.

What are the health issues?

Well, within the social circle, there are members that are.

No, no.

We're suffering from.

Worry about you worried about. No.

Me. Me?

No. None whatsoever.

Okay. I'm just saying, therapy, you know, your friends. I have amazing friends and family, too, but therapy does it like nothing else. If this has been something that's been in your life for a while, you know, could be helpful.

Okay.

Okay. Bye, Art. Thank you.

Thanks for calling.

Have a great day. Bye. Yeah, stalker.

But he's not a stalker. He's not a stalker. But I'm like, oh, but I have to use that language to get through to people.

I think it does. And it's.

Or you could use the addiction language. The same thing. You're addicted to this woman. You're craving, you're fine, you can't go. Break the habit.

It is just like the breakup you got to do. Yeah.

And it's the same part of the brain. I mean, I'm familiar with that part of the brain, and so I know when people are responding to that reward system.

And we were saying. We heard so much. He was 40, but we heard. We hear about this so much more now from men, young men on the show, millennials. Men more than women, who are, like, obsessed with their first.

They really are stalking those guys.

Those guys are. See, that's what you're talking about. Those are the stalkers that we talk about.

I didn't mean. I treat my language careful. Carefully. Stalking behavior is not. You are stalking or you're a stalker. It's like spectrum behavior. You know what I mean?

I got it. It's on the spectrum of stalking.

Yeah, well, it's related to it.

I get it.

That's why I want people to think about that, because it Kind of wakes you up. You go, oh, that is kind of what I'm doing, isn't it? I'm really not doing that. But if I did a little more, that's what that would be.

But he's seeing it as a mutual. They're both.

You know, he's in denial, too. He's addictive.

Well, let's see what happens. It is addictive behavior, and it's true. Even with friendship, it's hard to keep up.

I want to protect him from this.

I do. He did it. I think that was. That was good. He woke. I think he's gonna wake up. I think we woke him up. Okay, we have Carmen, 31, from San Francisco. I love San Francisco. Carmen and her boyfriend haven't had good sober sex, and they're both struggling to find her G spot.

Wait a minute. Slow down. Really? Sober sober? Or are we, like.

I don't know. We're gonna ask her. Carmen, hi. This is Emily. Dr. Drew's here with me. Dr. Drew Pinsky. You've got two of us here on the case today.

Hi, there. How are you?

Great. What's happening?

So, like Emily was saying, I. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and since the beginning, I would say, about two to three months into it, he had opened up feeling sexually frustrated and pretty much telling me.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

Right, exactly. So I asked him to elaborate, and he pretty much told me that I wasn't aggressive. And I.

Hang on a second. Hang on. So hold on. He means. Usually I'm thinking of. I'm trying to translate through the young male prism. Is he in his 20s still?

No, we're both 31.

Okay, so I'm imagining he means you're not initiating enough.

Well, that's the funny part, because he's even admitted that I initiate more than him.

So then what does he mean by aggressive? He wants you to dominate him.

See, this is what I've asked, because he's not. I've asked him that. Like, he's not into, like, the BDSM thing or anything like that, but. But he has trouble explaining the aggression. I'm not sure. I know that he's been married before in his past relationship with his wife. They had a very abusive relationship. And so I don't know if more like hate sex that he's referring to, but apparently I'm just. He wants me to take the lead sometimes, I guess. And I'm not doing it, even though I feel like I am.

Can he be more Extensive.

He's got to be more like, could you watch some porn together that shows what kind of sexual acts he's depicted. You know, he's. He has in his mind or like, to. I mean, I really think this is interesting to me.

Like, I'm thinking about you guys watch Big Little Lies. Did he like that kind of sex?

I see that.

Oh, it's so good.

That's funny.

I've been wanting him to see that.

Well, maybe it's just.

Well, if it's that. If it's that, then run airlift into a therapist office.

You need some. You need some visuals here. You need. If he can't express it in words, which I can understand. Sometimes it's just hard to explain things that you're feeling or that you want. But it's not fair for him just to say aggressive. I want more of this. I want. You know. And you initiate more than I do.

To be fair. Young men really have trouble. We have tough times.

But he wants something so bad.

Is this the main issue? It's hard for us to describe it sometimes, so I get that. But I totally agree with Emily. Watch things or look at it. Do you like that? Do you want this? How about that? Right?

Kind of like poured things out like a kid, like a little picture.

But I'm a little worried. Are you nervous too? What? You're gonna find out.

Not so nervous. I just wish he was more open with me about it because he shuts down. He tells me that he's never had an issue in his past relationship with. With, you know, maybe a girl not climaxing or.

Oh, you're not having an orgasm.

Yeah, that's the other problem is I'm not having orgasms. And I'm obviously not faking it with him. And I'm. I'm explaining him this, and he gets frustrated, and he says that he's never had that issue before in the past and that I need to figure it out.

Okay, hold on. Number one, that's not fair. That's not true.

Yeah.

How many partners has he had? You know.

He. He divorced about two years ago. And since that, he said he's dated a lot, but I don't think he's actually seriously dated anyone since me. I think they're all been kind of.

So you've been with, like, one or two people?

He doesn't understand how women were.

Women. Most women don't have orgasms during intercourse.

Yeah, vast majority.

Less than this.

Only 30% do. He doesn't believe you. Does he not? Listen, you guys should Just, this is what you do. Watch some porn, listen to this podcast together. A lot of couples find it really helpful to listen to this podcast because.

It'S so hard to talk about sex a year. He's not focusing on oral sex for you.

Yeah. How about oral sex?

Oh, no. Yeah. No, oral sex. He. Yeah, he does oral for me and I'm fine. I usually get off like that. It's more vaginal. I cannot come.

No, that's You. That's just the way you are.

If I do oral on him.

Well, that's not her. That way, too.

Yeah, it's okay for him not to come from your blow job, but then you can't come during sex. And he still hasn't gotten the memo, which everybody should know by now that women don't orgasm during sex.

Most women have an orgasm with oral sex. That's how they do it.

Yeah.

Many he's gonna be. That's most women. And he's gonna be very disappointed out in the world.

He's only been.

Yeah, that's so ridiculous on his part.

And he doesn't want to work with you on what. I'm not. He's like, told you to go figure it out. Like, I'm not loving this language. I know you're not worried about what he's going to find out, but I was feeling a little nervous too, when you were saying aggressive. But it's not about initiation.

I think it is. I think it's all about the orgasm, though. I really think it is.

It can be.

He feels. He thinks if she less of a male. Well, no, he thinks if she can do what she needs to do, she'll have an orgasm, but she's not doing what she needs to do. She won't take. She can't do anything except give him. Have him give her oral sex. That's what she can do.

No, but he wants her to have an orgasm during penetration.

It's not gonna happen.

Right, but he doesn't believe her, so. God, Google it. Go to my website. I have a million blogs on there. I mean, this is just scientific facts, evidence, women, polls. A million of them have been done that. Women, it's just. It's just that common. I mean, 30% can. And of those women, it's not every single time. But you could go looking for your G spot together. Because you haven't yet, though. Here's the other thing. So you. Just because you haven't had an orgasm yet with him doesn't mean you won't during intercourse.

I wouldn't Give this guy that yet. Because that's graduate school for this guy. He's got to first really get it right.

It could be fun. You guys could go doing it together.

It could be. But I'm just saying, then he'll be totally focused on him. He won't let you know. I just know how he's going to be. He's going to be completely about that and all about fixing her and making it right and why can't she.

But it's better to go fix it on your own.

But. But first, though, I'm saying focus on her pleasure and do that for a few seconds.

That's not the problem. The problem is that she's not. It's.

It sounds like she was unsatisfied, too.

No. You not satisfied?

I'm not satisfied because I can't come. But, like, he is very passionate and he does focus on me a lot. But I would say, honestly, the last couple months, though, they have been purely quickies. And that's been, I think, the most unsafe. Satisfied?

Yeah.

That I've been.

And you see, making sure that you're at least having another kind of orgasm when you do the quickies.

No, not really.

Okay, well, then that's the conversation you say with him. Say, I can explain this. Unlike your aggressive sex. You want. Guess what? I can explain. During that quickie, I wasn't even turned on. I didn't even see you walk in the room. You had an orgasm, and I'm not even turned on yet.

Let me translate for him. I know what he means by aggressive sex now. I know what he means. He wants her to take control and do whatever she needs to do with him so she has the orgasm and he could leave in 15 minutes or less or whatever. But she. She's not. She's not taking control and showing him what he need, you know?

He wants you to be riding on top, like in porn, and having, like three orgasms on top of his penis. That's what he wants. I got it.

You're right.

Drew, I think. Yep. He's watching porn. He's like, do that. Be aggressive. Meaning be aggressive with yourself so you can make yourself calm on top of me.

Exactly. Or wherever.

We got this. Yeah, that's it. And you know what? Fuck him.

Sorry. No, I'm with you.

I'm with you. I'm pissed him.

Now I'm angry.

Yeah, fuck him.

Now I'm angry.

That's right. That's why I was saying, don't go to the G spot thing yet. Well, I just That's a reward for him later.

Female anatomy and the way women work and, like, it's not that simple. Like, he's not turning you on. He's not doing foreplay. Maybe he did at the beginning and now he's into quickies. But just do your thing. Like, you know. And I'm not saying you can't learn this. I don't mean fuck him. I never say that. That's really not something I would say. I'm sure he's a great dude. You're making me aggress. Just like your boyfriend. Be like me, tell him to fuck out. No, but I really think that this. If you. Do you love this guy? How long have you been together?

A year.

Okay. I mean, I'd say the sex. Don't let it. Just this. You're going to keep having quickies, and then you're going to have minute minutias. What's less than quickie?

Well, but the point is she. Listen, all we need to do. Here's the bottom line here. Let's wrap this up.

We got to wrap this up.

I got to wrap.

Drew's got to go.

But the bottom line is. Bottom line is. It's Carmen. Right?

Carmen.

Carmen. The bottom line is you're on it.

San Francisco.

You got it. Right. We are backing you 100%. We support you. There's nothing wrong with what you're saying and what you're feeling. He's a little off base. He's been distorted by his marriage, where obviously she was a different biology. And he thought, you know, men are all porn or porn, which doesn't help. And what men think they figure one woman out. They figure that's how they all are. We do that as men. And you've got to bring him up into reality. And that's not his fault, but he needs in the meantime be much more. What would the word be? Empathic. I don't think that's quite.

I don't know.

He's just reasonable. Just reasonable about his. Yeah.

He's got to be willing to know what he doesn't know. He's got to admit that there's some things that he doesn't. That he might be wrong in this case. And to listen to some podcasts.

We got you. We are in your corner.

Yeah. We got you, Carmen.

Okay.

Take care of yourself. Okay.

Thank you.

Don't give up the fight. Bye, sweetie. Have a great day.

Emily's always fun. I gotta go.

Oh, Drew. So fun seeing you. Thank you for being here. Everyone check out.

We just Go right back into our old mode.

I know we gotta come back. Come back soon. Everyone check out Drew's podcast drdew.com Yep.

Please check out.

They're on the website and all. Twitter and stuff like that.

We Wish vibe. Whatever.

The Wish Vibe by We Vibe. You're love it. I should give you some Joe Lou before you go.

Okay. A backpack full of it, you said?

Oh yeah, yeah. Whatever you want.

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