Best of: Hotter, Deeper Sex w/John Wineland

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Let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you. But you know you're making out, but you're just like, this guy's not feeling me. And you know, I always encourage women to stop and go, would you like to know what I would need to trust you more?

Right.

Any man worth his salt is gonna be. Yeah, right.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

On this Sex with Emily best of episode, I'm joined by sex and intimacy coach John Weiland to discuss the driving force behind attraction, sexual connection and desire. John Weiland is an LA based speaker and teacher leading men and women in the practices of embodied masculine leadership, spiritual intimacy and sexual polarity. So first I want to break something down for you. You're going to hear us talking a lot about masculine and feminine Energies. We all have a masculine and feminine side to us. So I want to give you a quick explanation in case this is a new concept to you. So when I say masculine and feminine, I'm not talking about gender, I'm not talking about man or woman or non binary. What we're referring to are these innate characteristics we all, all have inside of us. Like I'm very much in my masculine. When I'm at work, I'm a CEO, I'm running a business, I'm managing people. When I'm more my feminine, that's when I'm on a date or specifically in the bedroom. I am more of a feminine energy in the bedroom. So to give you an example, masculine energy is typically the independent analytical side of us and that is our left brain. And that could be more creative and practical and visionary. Now a feminine energy again we all have these feminine energy is an intelligent and loving energy and that's about our intuition, our compassion, empathy, truth. So this is more right brain. So I want to explain to you that we all have it. Even if you're in a same sex relationship, when you get into the bedroom specifically you need someone to lead and you need someone to follow in a moment. Now that could switch. Maybe next time you're together, you lead, you follow. But what we're talking about is the polarity. Think of it like magnets, okay? Two magnets. If they have the same polarity, they're not going to attract. So the reason why a lot of us suffer in relationship, there's no attraction is because we don't know how to create that energy. When we need to create attraction in the bedroom, it gets confusing. So if you're both trying to lead in the bedroom, nothing's going to get done. And if you're both more in your feminine, well maybe you're keep waiting for the other person to make a move and nobody's initiating sex. Has that happened to you? So I really want you all just to kind of understand this concept and let go of well, I'm a man, I can't be feminine. And so again, this is just a way to understand this part of us that we all have and to use it for your benefit. We also discussed the subtle yet powerful difference between a no and a not yet and the symbolic aspects of anal play that make it so hot. We also get into your questions like why the urge to have an extramarital affair can be so strong and how to know if there's enough sexual chemistry to pursue a second date and what to do to bring sex back into your long term relationship. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention. Think about what I want to get out of this episode. How could it help you? It could be. I want to know more about how masculine and feminine energies are impacting my own relationships. And my intention is to give you tools to have better relationships, especially the one that starts with yourself. I hope you guys enjoy this interview with John Weiland. Remember, you can find more of him@johnweiland.com if you're looking for more inspiration for your sex life and relationships. We do a lot of lives. We do giveaways. Follow me on all social media exwithemily. All right, enjoy the show.

First, I kind of want to talk about this because this is something that one of your main tenants of what you do. And if you guys haven't listened to John's work before talking about just masculine feminine breakdown here, because that's kind of the basis of what a lot of what you do.

Yeah. So we all have a masculine and a feminine, right? We all have. These are universal energies, right? Yin and yang, North Pole, south pole, consciousness and energy. I mean, the world is filled with. There's two specific laws around intimacy. The first is that we're all the same, right? We're all human. You know, I have fear, you have fear. I have a soul. You have a soul, if you believe in that, right? I want love, you want love. And the first step in getting intimacy is to see that in each other. Like, yeah, like, you know, I'm goodness, you're goodness, and kind of give each other start from that place of we're the same, and that's great, but there's not a lot of fuck in that. You know what I mean? Like, and so fuck.

I mean, like, not a lot of hotness. Not a lot of hotness.

Yeah. So that's the first step is really like, finding sameness, like in recognizing each other's humanity. There's also the laws of polarity, which the universe has too. Magnetism is a perfect law of polarity. And what we realized is that along with sameness, there needs to be difference. And this does not. This is not gender. The problem is a lot of people conflate this with gender.

That's why I need to explain it. They're like, no, I'm not like that. I'm like, we all have those energies in us.

We all have them. And for there to be the deepest kind of sexual intimacy, we need both the sameness recognized. And we need the differences recognized. And one way to work with this. I mean, my teacher, David Dana talked about this a lot. He's written a lot of books on this. So you can definitely check out his books listeners, if you want to get more into this. Yeah.

D E I D a fan of his work.

And he outlined that for there to be the deepest connection and the hottest sexual polarity, meaning charge, that one person had to animate their masculine and relax their feminine, and one person had to animate their feminine and relax their masculine. And when you have that coupled with the, you know, we're one, basically, I'm human, you're human. You get really deep, connected sex. Right. And so the masculine and the feminine really are speaking to universal energies that we all have. Now, the rub here is that still for most people, especially over 30, most men identify with they're masculine. Right, right. Not all. Not all.

We're talking about in the bedroom, specifically when it comes to intimate relationships.

Yeah, that's the first place. But, you know, the. And we'll get into a little bit the distinctions between the two. And then most. Most women identify with their feminine, even though they might have, you know, mad masculine capacity in the workplace, in the courtroom and the, you know, wherever they are, wherever they're doing that. But at their heart, they would prefer to be ravished and taken somewhere cherished, ravished, taken someplace deeply by somebody that they trust. Right. That's how, you know, you have a feminine sexual essence. You would prefer to be ravished, penetrated, led, rather than you do the leading. You know, all that stuff. Now, you might want that sometimes, but that's not where you're exactly.

We're not saying this is absolute. And this comes out when you. When you say ravish. And it just reminds me of why so many people say, why is it that women want to be dominated during sex? Or what does it mean that she wants me to throw it out? It's this base thing that women like. All the Harlequin romance novels of him taking her in his arms. There is this fantasy that women have this desire, this deep energy, this pull that women in their base feminine desire, is it to be ravished, to be taken. That a man wants her, her partner wants her so badly that he literally can't do any. He has to have her take her. And that's what we're talking about.

He'll walk through a wall.

Yeah. Really.

He will rip people apart.

And that's what they mean when she says, throw me against the wall. Like, even if a guy's like, oh, it's too aggressive. No, but she just wants to feel like you couldn't help it. Like you wanted her so badly, your blood was badly, you desired her. Yes, that's what we're talking about.

Absolutely. If you prefer that then you are a feminine essence.

Yes.

Yeah, obviously, yes. And if you prefer to be the ravisher, right. And to be washed with the energy, Right. If you're just really wanting energy. So you want to. You. If you want to be surrendered to sexually, which most masculine.

Explain that. And again, I want to just say one thing too, that let's explain that this be gay relationships, same sex couples. Absolutely same thing. There's usually to make sex hot, there's a masculine and feminine energy. So I just want to put that out there. That it, that's how it plays.

Doesn't matter the gender orientation or the sexual orientation.

Someone's leading, someone's following. So let's talk surrender, right?

So you want to be trusted fully. Like I want to know that I can take you someplace that you can't take yourself sexually. Especially like there's a place in your heart, there's a place in your body that you know you can do all kinds of things on your own, but there's certain things that you can't do on your by yourself. And for you to surrender your capable leadership, which you're probably pretty good at, and trust me, right? And literally give me your body, your heart, the deepest part of both, that would be a surrender. Like a full bodied, you know, the way it occurs to the masculine partner is like, take me, like, take me, I'm your like kind of like a sexual helplessness, right? And the masculine craves that deeply to be trusted so much that you'll give me everything.

Okay, so here's my question I hear, I guess because I'm a woman, I understand this more intrinsically. Understand that experience. I hear from women all the time that's what they desire. But for men, they don't use those words. Not like I just want her to. They might say why won't she do anal? But they're not saying to me like.

But that's a question of surrender, right?

It is.

That's a surrender. I mean that, that illustrates anal.

It's like a taboo. Give me your.

Well, for you, for you to surrender that kind of, that part of your body to me and do it open heartedly and with complete desire. That is a surrender.

That's true. One of the biggest surrenders.

That's why men love it, right? Because I mean you know, it feels good. It doesn't necessarily feel better than, you know, than regular sex, but it means.

Something in the sexual means something.

It means you're surrendering and trusting me.

Right. It is the ultimate act of trust and surrender. Absolutely. Because let me give you another example, because I hear from just as many women who are saying my partner or saying this about their male partner is he doesn't want sex as much. He doesn't initiate. Sometimes I think he doesn't even like it. He did at the beginning. I tell him what I want, he doesn't listen. So what about that masculine energy not connecting? Because that's really common.

Yeah.

So what's that guy all tripped up on?

Well, you know, there's a couple different ways to go about this. So first of all, men are let the masculine, the masculine. Sometimes I'll say men, because most men are masculine essences, but that's not always true. The masculine prefers peace, nothingness, numbness, emptiness, less even the masculine in you. Right. And masculine. A lot of women these days, you know, a lot of women meditate, they actually love that part. And the masculine in all of us prefers that. Well, sex and relationship are a whole lot of something. So we're not necessarily. When I say we, I mean, you know, masculine guys. I consider myself a masculine essence. We, we love you. And yet that's not where we would want to go naturally. Now in the first year, year and a half, there's hormones, there's dopamine, there's, you know, there's all kinds of drugs that are helping us like continually go there.

Right?

But once you get into a longer term relationship, that's just kind of natural. The masculine is, is thinking about purpose, thinking about success, freedom. Success to the masculine occurs as freedom. Right? I'll be free when I write my book. I'll be free when I make this much money. I'll be free when I have this kind of sex. I'll be free when I travel the world, I'll be free, right? And so a lot of men are living in that myth that freedom is hitting a goal of some kind. For the feminine, the question is more like when will there be enough love? Right? There'll be enough love when I find the right guy, or there'll be enough love when we have the right sex, or there'll be enough love when my husband does this, there'll be enough. And both of them are myths, right? There's, there's never enough for you, there's.

Never enough anything, and there's never enough Love.

Right.

Or the flip side. There is enough as there is in the moment.

Like, in the moment, there's. In the moment. Exactly. That's a great point.

Keep thinking you're gonna get somewhere.

Yeah.

That's where it's all gonna happen. And when you get married, you have the kids, the house, the perfect partner. Guess what? But going back to this. I'm gonna go back to the sex thing because I liked my example. And you thought it about women wanting to be ravaged. Now, that feels. I still can't. I need the example for the men. And then we're gonna move. How that heightened sex feels when he's feeling the surrender. The surrender.

Well, can we use your anal example, please? That really is the perfect example.

No, I love it. Let's do it.

So let's say I'm with my partner, and this is on the table. Anal's on the table. And, you know, it's obviously something that is, you know, not easy for every woman to do. There's a certain level of trust inherent in that, and there's obviously pain involved sometimes. Right. And so there's a certain level of having to relax her body and surrender into me penetrating her deeply.

Right.

Probably the deepest place in her body. Yeah. And so I'm penetrating the deepest part of her body. She has to relax her body. She has to sort of open her heart to me. Otherwise, I don't think she would trust me. Right. So there's a whole bunch of things that have to happen that occur to me as absolute surrender of her heart and body.

Right.

And the other thing that the masculine craves in sex is the energetic range.

Yeah, that's it. Women bring the energy.

Yeah, women bring the energy. Men bring the presence and the structure and the. Yeah. To me and to most guys that I know, like, that kind of surrender. Another example would be tying. Tying you up. And so the more we get into the taboo pieces where I'm tying you to the bed and leaving you there for a couple of hours and saying, here, you get to eat grapes for two hours, and I'll be back. Those kind of. That kind of sex play. That's why it's such a hot play for people with, you know, legitimate masculine and feminine essences. Because the feminine wants to surrender in her heart to some to. Now, this gets into the consent piece we were talking about.

Yeah.

To somebody that she can trust implicitly. Right.

And it's that trust thing, like I've always said here. And, like, if people. Women feel safer, women are more likely to enjoy sex. Report having satisfying sex and more orgasms when there was someone they can trust. And trust goes so much deeper than just like, I know who we is, I know where he lives. And I, I feel like he's not going to hurt me. I, I googled him his face fence on Facebook. We're talking about this deeper level trust.

Can we bring that deeper level trust back to anal sex?

Yes.

Okay, let's just. Okay, so if we're together, we're in a sexual moment. Right. And you can't feel me feeling your heart. Like I'm not looking into your eyes. I'm not breathing with you. I'm moving very fast or I'm disconnected. Right. I'm not in my body or I'm just kind of rushing your heart won't. You won't feel me feeling you. And you won't be able to trust me with anal sex. So the, the level of that's a perfect example from the mask. Like, if you want to go there, men, if this is something you want to go to, you, this is one of those things where there's, there's a lot of trust that has to be worked up slowly and, and really she really needs to be felt, especially if you're in that part of her body. Because it could be dangerous, it could be painful if your heart. Disconnected. It's abuse.

Exactly.

It's abuse.

It is abuse. And I think that we sense that sometimes when we're like, he's disconnected or he doesn't get. It's because it's what we're talking about. And also, you guys have sex. Anal sex can be painful, but we talk a lot how to do it. So when you're breathing and if it is painful, you guys, you're not breathing. Using enough lube and slowing down. So much about great sex is slowing down. When we come back, John and I walk through all the ingredients that go into having truly great sexual sex.

So let's talk about you for a second. So you, you were. You did not come out of the womb consciously aware?

No.

I'm assuming. I don't think anybody does. You're a mess. Okay, so let's talk about you being a mess. So how did John Wyland get into this place of consciousness?

Yeah.

Yeah. So I had lots of failed relationships, right. A failed marriage. Most of my failures were my lack of capacity to lead. Right. And really sex, good sex, good relationship is our capacity to have strong nervous systems like most people think like, like your listeners. That just happens.

Right.

But no good sex is, is the capacity for me to be with lots of feminine energy. Right. And it's the capacity for you to open and reveal when you don't want to reveal. Right. So I, like most guys, thought, like, if I was a good husband and a good father, and I supported her and whatever her career was, that it would be cool. That was. That was all that was needed. Right. But that's just now, nowadays, that's just the ante, you know? I mean, like, this is the entry point.

Exactly.

You know, to attract a really good woman into your life. Exactly. Yeah. So I got into this thing and I realized, like, wow, I'm not happy. She's not happy. I don't know how to, like, lead her places or take her places. And I don't know. I don't want to. Most of the time, I'm like, I'm totally disconnected. And so this happened, a few relationships in a row, including a marriage. And I came out of it and I was like, fuck something. I don't know how to. I don't know how to do relationships. I'm successful.

Right.

But I don't know how to do relationships.

So you were successful in your work, but not in your relationship?

Right, yeah. And I was a good father, pillar in my community. Yeah, yeah. I had all the stuff. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't know how to do relationship. And something clicked, and I was like, well, if I don't learn the art of how to do relationship, then I'm going to continue to repeat this. Right. Over and over again. And so I was inspired, and I went and found a couple teachers that I really love, and I just started going there, and it was like a revelation, right, that these concepts that we're talking about today, like, what does it mean to be embodied? Like, what does it mean to have sex from that place? What does it mean to create masculine and feminine polarity? What does it mean to ravish your heart?

Right.

Like what? Ravish your heart? How the fuck do I do that?

Can you do that now on the show? No. Okay, yeah, sure, sure.

I mean, of course, yeah. If you and I stood in front of each other and I looked into your eyes and I felt your heart and I started to breathe with you, and I started to feel the part of me that desired you, you would start to feel like I was ravishing you. Yeah, it can happen. I mean, this is the thing about attraction. It's not a choice. And if your listeners could get that, that attraction isn't a choice. So on the other side, if you were sitting next to me. And you just started to get connected to the place of you. That's pleasure, right? That feels pleasure, that loves pleasure. I would have no choice but to start looking at you. I couldn't help it. It would be like physics. I could not help it.

You could feel that energy. I was like, took a moment breathe.

And I was like, pleasure and vulnerability, you put those two together and that is irresistible for the masculine. Depth and fierce love. Right. Are irresistible to the feminine. And if you practice actually making those things felt through your body, then your partners will be attracted to you.

So let's say I start practicing like I'm learning these practices in my body, but I'm with a partner who. He's just one of these regular guys who doesn't really know how to.

Well, they would totally feel it.

So it's not even like if someone's listening. They're like, my partner doesn't. They could do the work on their own. Maybe their partner would. Yeah, you think it's like that?

Yeah, it's like that.

I've heard about this.

It's like that because you evoke. We're always evoking from our partners and the world the opposite of the energetic that we're, you know, that we're putting out. So if you are at the extreme ends of the feminine right. In your body at any moment, then you're going to evoke the deepest masculine that I have.

Okay.

And vice versa. And so if people just learn to.

Evoke you, let's say I was shut down and you were the guy. How would you.

I would be present.

Present.

I would be present. Yes. And I'd be present and I would start to put my awareness, meaning I would start to put my attention inside of you, in your heart, on your breath. I would kind of feel where you're at. Like, how's it going? How's her day been? Like, oh, she's in a bad mood or whatever it is. I would do something from that place that would open you free, you create energy in your body. Like any number of things that I could do. But most men are trained to avoid the bad moods. You know, avoid when she's in a bad mood, you know? You know, what's the one I hear? Like she's like a self cleaning oven. Let her clean herself.

Yeah, yeah. Well, they don't know how to handle all the energy coming out because they.

Haven'T trained their nervous system.

Okay, so that's. Let's talk. Okay. Yeah. So women. Yeah. We're going to have that energy, which we're going to have good days, bad days, and men can have those too. But we're saying when we're in the feminine and you teach men how to kind of weather that, if you will, or how to hit, how to take it in. And not because women, that's what. When you said, how's your day? I'm like, that's all we want. Like, ask us how our day. Right. I mean, many women, I've been in those kind of relationships, and I think people can relate. We're like, he doesn't even ask. He doesn't, you know, and so, I mean, I know it's just not just about that, but there's a certain presence to that and certain care.

You want more, though? Of course you want more. You don't want us to just ask how your day. You want us to feel.

Right.

Like, how you feel about your day, and then love that. Right. So, you know, I do see a lot of men, like, suffer through the, okay, I'm gonna come home, I'm gonna ask her how her day is. I'm gonna be there for like 15 minutes and she's still going.

Right?

That can all be avoided. If I came into the house and no matter what mood you were in, I kind of like pressed my belly into you and I breathed with you, and I just gave you a couple seconds of really meticulous attention. And if you were in a bad mood, I would do something. I don't know. I mean, I've done all kinds of things and, you know, try this at your own, you know, own risk listeners. But I've thrown her over my shoulder and spanked her. I've twirled her around. I've said, come sit on my lap with your bad mood, and I'd kiss her neck until she giggles. And I would do anything. Usually the. The formula.

Those would all work, by the way.

Totally. They always work. Physicality, Some kind of physicality, Some kind of attention and awareness. Right. And often humor. So if men just learn to master those things and they bring it, they can bust through virtually any bad mood.

Even the guys who are the most blocked. You were like that.

Yeah, I mean, I had some skills, but, you know, nothing close. And I had to practice, man. I had to go to faux dates. Like, we would have these workshops where we'd go out on these faux dates and my teacher would send us out and he'd say, okay, so your job is to make this woman have a whole body orgasm the entire dinner. Right. So we would have to practice certain things. And we'd have to.

Did she know that you were trying to have sex?

Yes, yes. It was all set. And her job was to make me want to give her, you know, and.

So we would have to go to.

Yeah, we would have to go to these hour long dates and we'd actually practice what that looks like. And we'd always fail somewhat. And we'd always succeed somewhat. Then we come back and we talk about what we did. And so this is, you know, like any skill you've got to practice this stuff, you know? Right, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so let's talk about Embodiment, because I've been talking about that on the show a little bit. Like through, you know, it comes up, we talk about being embodied, being in your body. And you, you know, it's a thread of all the work that you do. So let's talk about it. How'd you define it?

So let me just can zoom out for one second. So there's three ways that we could have sex, right? We could have sex physically, meaning, you know, bodies, two bodies together, right? Focusing on the outside of your body. You know, there's the clitoris and there's the breasts and there's, you know, I have a penis and there's that whole thing, right? And that's where most of us live, right? In the physical realm. There's also emotional sex. Like you could feel me feeling your heart. We talked about penetration, right? So I could, you know, penetrate you emotionally, like feel what you're feeling really deeply and all the way up and down your body. If I practice. And then the third part of sex is this energetic piece where we're talking where one of us is in our feminine and one of us is in our masculine. And we're having sex from that energetic place, right? So it feels literally like the whole body is being, you know, you're inviting me with your whole body and I'm penetrating you with my whole body. Or it's energetic. So most of us live in that first realm. And so this embodiment piece is essential to get into those higher realms. Like, and in the third realm, that's where we're talking about, you know, hour long sex, multiple orgasms, weeping, cervical orgasms, you know, withholding ejaculation, spiritual sex. Like, you know, everyone says it was a spiritual experience. That's what we're talking about.

And I think that's what. Yeah, that's what a lot of people, I think, when they want more connection. But that's another layer. But I Think people would be like, I want that.

Yeah. Who the fuck doesn't want that? Like, I want to have my. I want my sex to inspire me and make me, you know, feel divine and fill me with love and make me happy to be alive, right? So embodiment is the practice of moving from living in our heads, which most of us do. We're thinking, thinking, thinking. We've got our iPhones out. We're literally living energetically in our heads and moving us down energetically through breath and just. Just breath and awareness. If you breathe into your belly and you place all your awareness into your, you know, into the lower part of your body, you're actually going to be felt in the lower part of your body, right? So the practice of literally becoming more aware of our bodies and using breath to be in our bodies. And then the other piece of embodiment is taking something that is ethereal, like, let's call it seduction. So take seduction, right? Most women would love to know how to seduce a man more, right? So this is an ethereal concept, but you could actually make that real through your body so that not only you felt, like, so confident and in touch with the seductress in you, but I would feel it. So it's almost like your body becomes a transmitter for this ethereal concept. Or we could take fierce love, right? And I could get so present and so filled with this thing that you would feel fierce love coming from me.

Even if I just, like, came in the door and was on my phone, like, doing a snap or something.

Now, it might take longer than 30 seconds for you to feel it, but if I was. If I stayed there and I just kept looking at you like, I fucking love you. You're so beautiful, like, and I just was giving you that energy through my body. You'd have no choice.

I'd be like, you'd have no choice.

Yeah, eventually.

I'm not gonna send that shit, right? No.

Unless you were really mad at me about something we hadn't worked out. But that's a whole different God, right?

Okay. Is it the kind of thing if people go, yeah, I want that? Or maybe they don't want that. They're like, I'm just happy I found the clitoris last week, which is awesome. Guys, we're not saying this is, like, the only way to have sex. I feel like when I first started learning years ago, people think of tantra or think about, you know, breathing together and delay, delayed ejaculation, all that. But we're not even labeling it that it's more like we would both have to, when we see each other connect, before we actually had penetrative sex, we would breathe together and we would. Right. Or does it now, is it just like with your. It just flipped on for you when you're with someone or is it more like you still have to have that intention together and meet at that place?

Yeah, well, men are more like blowtorches and women are more like crock pots in this realm. Right. So. So yeah, it takes some. Of course it takes time. In fact, I say women shouldn't even have sex unless they're feeling like the man that they're with fully. Like eye contact, does he feel my heart? Is he with me fully? Like hopefully, you know, matching breath. So a way to start having energetic sex is to start breathing with somebody, slow it down.

I guess what I've experienced, and I think a lot of people is that it's just this, all those layers from childhood, from life. Like people that don't like touch, for example, like you were like, I don't want to be touched that long or it makes me uncomfortable or I mean, I like what you're saying. Invited out.

But not everyone's receptive if you buy this concept that you're going to evoke from him a deeper version of him by revealing more of what's true. Like, so for example, let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you, but you know, you're making out, but you're just like, this guy's not feeling me. And you know, I always encourage women to stop and go, would you like to know what I would need to trust you more?

Right. Okay.

Would you like to, you know, would you, I mean, and, and rather than abandon themselves and have sex when they don't feel fully connected, which so many.

Women, I think they do that and men, But I think I hear this from women all the time, that they're like, I just kept going because it already started and I didn't want to stop it and feel rejected. But how great to be that if you're, if you are embodied and you are that self aware because you should never continue with anything. There's no contract. You don't have to be there. But to be able to have that self awareness and, and stop it and say, you know what I would really need, I mean, then what would I.

Say any man worth his salt is going to be. Yeah. Unless he's just so triggered by a powerful woman or anything. Like. Yeah. So you might say, you Know, like, I would need you to look into my eyes.

Right.

I would need you to kiss me slower.

Right.

Or I would need to feel you, like, really feeling my body. Or I would need you to. I mean. And most women don't even know they can ask this shit, right?

It's so good.

Yeah, yeah. It will evoke the part of him. Because men want to make you happy. We do want to make you happy.

They do. They really do. And we want to make men happy, but we don't know how.

Yeah, but feel the difference between I would need you to feel my body versus, like, slow down or like moving his hand someplace, which is what. You know, which is it. One occurs to the masculine as a heartfelt request. The other occurs as kind of a. I don't want to even use this term, but it does occur to men like this. Like a castration.

Right.

Like, I don't trust you to fuck me. Well, so I'm gonna tell you how to fuck me.

Exactly.

And most guys would not be with a woman like that. Right. Would want to be invited. Would want to be. I mean, she can ask anything she needs to ask, but there's an art to.

There is an art. And that's what you. You teach this work, which I think is fascinating.

What I. If I could give them something, a communication. Because this is your thing. Communication is lubricant, lubrication.

Right.

So what I would need to trust you more. I mean, who's gonna argue with that?

I know. I love it if he does.

He's an asshole. Find somebody else.

We all want more attention and energy, feel loved, and we want to feel ravished. And guys like I do. I care about you, but I'm doing the sort of thing. So you teach them to first get in their bodies, connect, breathe together. I love what you said about coming home and like, hugging and breathing together. Like that would just change everything, you know? Then you'd feel more connected. We're going to take a quick break, but stick around. John and I are answering your questions. Like, can you tell from one date how much sexual chemistry you could have? Be right back after a quick word from our sponsors.

Let's get into emails because actually a lot of these topics are going to be touched on in some of these emails. Hi, Emily. I'm a longtime listener and I love your show. Thanks for helping educate everyone on sexual health issues. I'm currently divorcing my wife of 20 years. Our sex life was part of the problem leading to our divorce. Her libido was non existent. Especially after kids. I had an affair about six months before the divorce started. I was sure I'd have a future with the other woman, but it hasn't worked out that way. She really gave me something I was missing for so long, making me feel incredibly desired and attractive. Since it didn't work out with her, I've been trying to move on. I met another woman who, on paper, is everything I could want. She's funny, attractive, has her life together. She seems to enjoy spending time with me. The problem is I don't have that burning draw to her that I did with the affair. How realistic is it to expect that hot attraction in a relationship? The sex with the new woman is good. It's more of a feeling that's missing something that's hard to explain. I'm starting to wonder if that feeling I had with the affair was mostly because the affair was forbidden, which adds to the heat. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. Keep up the awesome work. James 43, Ohio. So, James, yeah, thank you for your question here. So I'm just smiling because, I mean, this is so many things that we hear about. And my first thought when reading this is like, I think that maybe you should take some time without a relationship right now.

Totally.

I'm like, dude, like, you are going from one to the next, the next, and 20 years with your wife. I think that there's some unpacking to do and figure out, what did you learn from that experience? You know, what do you really want now? You're a James, you're at a different place in your life now than you were 20 years ago and just trying to date and kind of fill that void right now because you're so used to having a woman with you. I think that you need to do some work on yourself and then figuring out, you know, Right. Would you say John, like, I go see John in Hawaii or something?

Smiling and smiling and nodding. Because men need to, and they very rarely do. Take time without any dating, any sex, just completely get connected to themselves, find out who they are, find out what the issues were. Because if we're always chasing a woman, right. Or doing that, then we're never really looking at ourselves, right? So I took almost a year with no dating, no sex, no flirting, literally. Like, I'm just gonna. Like, I'm gonna rake my leaves and I'm gonna meditate and I'm just gonna be with myself and kind of find out what's going on. Why are my relationships always kind of faded away this way? And so I agree with you completely. Yeah. Take the time off, man. Take six months. Really let it go. And from that place, see, this is what we're talking about. From that place of the masculine grows in solitude. Right. And so he'll actually develop a stronger masculine himself, which will attract someone who is more. Who's probably more energetically inspiring to him. But if he's coming from this place of I'm just jumping from one relationship to the other, he's bringing this kind of muddled, energetic. And most really good women will feel like, I can't trust this guy. He's not even really leading himself.

Yeah. So he'd have to do some work, though. Not to be alone, sitting home, like, watching tv, drinking beer. Not that that's anything wrong with that sometimes. But I'm saying, like, he'd have to really do some of this thinking about what he wants.

Yeah. What do I need to do before I die? Right. What's the kind of relationship that I really want to create? Why haven't I been able to create it? Most guys that I lead through this process, and I lead quite a few, the shit comes up. You don't have to wait too long, like a month or two by yourself. And all of a sudden, like, grief and sadness and fear and all of this shadow stuff that's been there for years will start to come up. And you really need to clear that out because if not, what do you bring into the relationship? Just this unprocessed stuff that's been with you.

And we all have that stuff. So that's why I'm saying everybody needs to do this. Because, James, we're not even to help you with these women. I think you just need some time alone right now. Okay. Hi, Emily and crew. Your team is so awesome and helpful. I've been listening to the show for about six months now, and it's really helped me get more in touch with my sexuality. I'm so thankful. Now that it's been six months since my last relationship, I'm getting back into the dating game. I've recently gone on a few first dates with two different guys via dating apps. I'm curious about attraction and first dates, specifically those dates that come about from a dating app. I found this recent guy physically attractive in some ways, and in other ways, not so much. I enjoyed our conversation and I felt as though our personalities clicked. I'm not sure if I feel enough sexual chemistry or attraction. Can you tell just from one date how much sexual chemistry we could have? It. Is it worth it to go on A second date if I'm unsure. Any help and advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks a million, Jackie. 23, Fresno, CA I love this question because I'm thinking about, like, first of all, I think about this a lot. I get a lot of questions about this from men and women. And I think if I don't feel on the first date, if the first kiss wasn't there and it was really bad, like, should I just end it? Like, we had a great talk and a great connection, and I say, no, you have to give it another try. I believe. Unless it was, like, horrible and they said something that was just against something that you just. There was too many red flags. But if it's just that you didn't necessarily have the chemistry, but you found that there was something. I think that we go into dates, we have so much fear. We're not. Most people are not embodied and really know what they're looking for. We're nervous we might be tapped into our sexual energy at that moment. Even if we're trying to. We're attracted to you. There's a lot that could go wrong. So I feel like she should. If you're unsure and it's not like a definitive no that people should give it another chance.

No, I would agree with you. It's dependent on all those things. I would have her get clear on what she really wants. Like, what do you want? This man, whoever he is, whether this guy or not. And then she could practice. Like I tell women, use dating as practice for really coming from a place of your deepest femininity. If what you want from a man is someone who leads you, someone who can take you someplace you can't take yourself. What does practicing that on a date look like? If you want somebody who's.

If you want to lead, don't tell them how to drive.

Yeah. Don't tell them where the directions. Don't, like, literally, like, don't get the check. Don't like, like, literally. Okay, literally. Do not literally sit on your hands.

Don't even do the reach.

Don't even do the reach.

Really. I always do the reach. I've heard this.

Not if you want him to lead. If you don't. If you want, like, an equal partnership, then that's a different thing. But what are you wanting from a man? Like, what's most important for a partner. And if they're clear on that, and then they just practice finding ways to be the opposite of that, then give.

Me an example of that. So how could be the opposite of that?

Okay, so what what happens a lot in dating is that women are so capable. Right. That they actually step in and lead a date. Yeah. So practice. So practice just waiting. Like, I don't know. I trust you. Like, I trust you. Where would you like to, you know, it's up to you. I'm here with you. Like, I trust you. And. Because men actually have been taught, and this is one of those byproducts of post feminist life. Right. That we should, like, you know, check. Which is great, and it's very polite, but when you're talking about sexual polarity, that stuff should go out the window. And this is controversial in a lot of ways, but it. You know what I mean? So let's do it. So, you know, why not let him lead? And you can just wait. I'm sure you'll pick a great place. But what do you feel like?

She never knows. And then we'll get there and she won't like anything. Like, guys are like, they always say.

No, no, men are dying. Men are dying. Trying to like, go, okay, great, let me show you. This is my favorite place.

Okay.

Right. And then you're on the way there and you know, don't waze for him. Don't wait. Yeah. Do not ways for him. Absolutely do not ways. Don't say, this way is quicker. And literally. And literally let him lead. Because if you do that, then you'll actually see is there spark, is there polarity? Because he'll. You'll evoke more masculine from him. You'll be sort of like, you know, in a certain way, surrendered a little bit to his leadership. Because you're just making the choice to do that. And if there's no sexual energy there, then maybe, you know, like, maybe. Or he doesn't like, let's say you really. Your woman, this woman here, and she goes, and she really tries to just let him lead the whole experience. You know, she gives him kind of moment to moment, feedback. Like, let's say he does something really cool, like he pulls out her chair. So rather than just kind of like not saying anything, there's like a, like a smile or a giggle or something that tells him, I like this.

Yeah, you gotta let him know that. Let him know. Right.

Otherwise, guys are dense. Guys are dense.

Yeah, they are like, oh, wow, thanks for doing that. Yeah, I'm. I'm big on the reinforcement. I'm like, I really appreciate when you.

That.

That felt so great when you kissed my neck.

Totally. Absolutely.

Six years ago. Can you do it again?

And then we want to do more of It.

Right.

And. And if you literally do that and the guy is not responding well, then you have some pretty good information. But I would even give that a couple dates if it's a good.

Give it a couple dates. It's true. So that's interesting. So, Jackie, I feel like give it another chance, but then also figure out what you want. And literally everything in life that we want to do, whether, you know, work, health, personal, is about figuring out what you want. And you think that would be such an easy task, but it's really, really hard. You think, well, it's what I want. Like, no one else can tell me. But even with dating, when I'm like, figure out what you want. I think people don't even know where to start because they think that they know what they want and it might not be like.

So I think it's less complicated than that, especially for women. Right. There's not a woman that I talk to and I talk to hundreds of them that don't want presence.

Not like from Tiffany's wrapped up. Your presence.

Yeah, your presence. Your capacity to be in the here and now and feel right. Right. There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be felt deeply. There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be, you know, held.

So true.

Held in presence. It's the new currency. It's more valuable. The ability to lead and be present with a woman is more valuable than being able to make money and take care of her or keep her safe. 100 years ago, it was different. It's so true now. Depth, presence, integrity, all of these sort of noble masculine traits are really, truly valuable in a relationship.

They really are.

But most women, just. Most women, when I. When I actually question them, like, oh, I want a guy as my best friend. And like, do you really, like, couldn't you have a woman that's your best friend, but then this guy's like, fully present with you and fucks you to God and, like, you know, I mean, like, wouldn't you rather have that from your lifetime partner?

Yes. I never thought the best friend thing made sense, but it doesn't. I was like, no, I have enough friends. Like, you don't need to be my best friend. No, but talk about fucking me to God, because I've seen your quotes. What exactly does that mean? Well, would I know if I were to even fuck to God? So I probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there. Yeah, there would be. It would be something you'd want to happen again and again and again. I actually My teacher, a guy named David Data actually coined that term. What it means is. It means. It means having. Having the kind of sex that leaves a woman feeling like she was opened by God.

Yeah.

Like in touch with the divine. And you know, without getting too woo here because we are in la. But. But yeah, being penetrated so deeply that she's a puddle. She's.

Yeah, I think I've had that.

Yeah. Yeah. Most people have those experiences.

Not enough. Right. Okay. I love it. It's great. All right, Very helpful. We have another email. Hi, Emily. I'm a recent listener during my work commute. I love all the great information. You're very inspiring. Here's a little background. My wife is two years younger than me. We've been married for almost five years and she's the ever slept with. We have a three year old girl and my wife is currently six months pregnant with our son. We abstained from sex until we were married. At the beginning of our marriage, the sex was pretty good. And fairly often within a short time though the frequency really went down. On average, we have sex once every two to three months. Last time we had sex, I went down on her for several minutes and she went nuts. It was so hot. I find myself horny a lot because I find her extremely attractive. Plus, she's my wife, but I have to resort to masturbating almost daily so that I won't bother her with sex requests. How do I talk to her about our intimacy? Anytime I bring it up, she either gets defensive and shuts down or she just gets really apologetic and blames herself and feels bad. Right now she's blaming her lack of desire on the pregnancy, but when she's not pregnant, it's no different. I'm trying to read more about sexual health and marriage and I love listening to your podcast. I want to tell her about everything I'm learning and how good it can be for us. I often feel distant from her, like we don't have a connection anymore. I feel like we're just roommates. I'm really open to how I can move forward with the situation. Please share your thoughts with me. Thank you. Nick, 26, Idaho. I know we're going home, Nick. Yeah, Nick, I love, I love this email and thank you for emailing me and for listening and I hear what you're saying here. It's been busy. You guys got married, now you have another kid on the way and you guys just probably doesn't sound like you were really connecting initially. I mean, you're having sex at the Beginning like most couples do, which is why they don't think it's work. And you were having great sex, and now you know your wife's been pregnant for a long time by the last few years, it sounds like. And how do you talk about the intimacy?

I think almost always when I see a couple like this and this happens a lot, it's because there's withholds and resentments that aren't being shared. Yeah. And so when a woman is losing sexual attraction for a man, it's because she doesn't trust him to hold her truth and her feelings. So as a man, I would say something like, I would set up a conversation right where. Look, baby, I can tell that since we're not being intimate, I know it's not your fault. I know the. I know it's not your fault, and I know you don't want me to feel bad is a great way to take the blame off of her completely. But I know there must be something that you're withholding. So I just want you to take five minutes and you're just going to tell me everything that you haven't told me or that you. You need to tell me places where you're upset with me or places where you have judgments about me or places where you feel like I'm not showing up or things that I'm doing that are bothering you, and I'm just gonna listen and let you know. And if a man can actually do that and a woman can bring all of that truth and he can not collapse and he can actually say, wow, baby, that makes sense. Thank you for sharing that with me. Like, I'm so glad you got off your chest.

Yeah. Get defensive and not.

That's a sexy man. That's a sexy man.

That's a sexy man.

And. And so women, often. Their libidos are often connected to resentments and withholds. And if they don't feel like they can share them with their man because he's too upset, then that will cause the libido to take a plummet. I've seen this again and again.

So he has to also, though, be in the place where Nick is able to do that. Like, that's such a hard. Like, it sounds so easy when we're saying it, but for him to be like, oh, wow, that. That and his brain, you might be thinking, we've already talked about this. It wasn't my fault, you know, and you have to just be that still man. Yeah.

Because if she's feeling it, it's true. For her, whether or not. I mean, most can't argue with feminine. We can't argue with her feeling, especially a feminine being. Right. And the other thing that's happening with them is the feminine in me. The feminine in you, feminine in anybody. It's the part of us that wants love. Right? So if I'm in my feminine, I'm wanting to connect with you, and I do this with my girlfriend all the time. Like, maybe, you know, that's my feminine. Like, let's. Let's connect. The part of me that wants to not be burdened and be free is my masculine.

Right?

So they've reversed it. He's now wanting to connect. Like, why aren't we connecting? Why aren't we having more love? And she's like, don't bother me. I'm pregnant. You know, and it's. It's a reverse of polarity. So the way to get that back, Nick, is to take responsibility for the. Where the relationship is 100%. Like, baby, I must not have made it safe for you to share what's going on with you. I must not. I blamed you. I must have been blaming you for our sex life. It's totally not your fault, of course, you know, but I want us to create a culture where you can bring anything to me, you can tell me anything, and I'll just listen and love you for it.

Okay, so Nick's in Idaho, and he's holding the space for her, and she's saying all this stuff. And then what? And then he's like, okay, that's good, babe. I got it. Thank you for telling me. And now I'm gonna be better on all those 18 million things that you're upset with me about.

Content doesn't matter.

The content.

Content really doesn't matter. What matters is that she feels same.

That she was able to express it.

Yeah.

And it's the way he's talking. It's the way he's saying, and he's just listening.

Well, you know, I love Imago dialogue. I teach this. And you can find it, you know, if you email me or whatever, I can send it to him. But the Imago dialogue's a great container where she brings it, and at the end of it, he just says, you know what, baby? That makes sense. And then he will empathize with her. Like, I can imagine that when I. When I do this. Like, this makes you feel crazy. Or I can imagine when I'm on the couch and I don't clean up after myself, you want to kill me. And I can imagine that this and I can imagine that. And he literally puts her feelings ahead of his. And the capacity to do that is a really important container. And that's the thing. One of the things that I think men need to learn how to lead. Men need to learn how to ferret out these withholds and these resentments and these judgments, because I don't know a woman on the planet that does not have a. Men too. But feminine's really keen that way.

It's true.

Yeah.

Totally true. They might. And she might not even know, like, really, there's so many of them. But if he lets her kind of just go, I think this.

Get it out. Yeah.

It's not easy.

Well. And she wants to know that she can bring it all. A woman wants to know she can bring all of her to a man. And he's not going to collapse. He's not going to, you know, attack her. He's not going to become a little boy. He's going to hold it. And in the end, he could say, all right, baby, thank you. I mean, you know that contempt is the number one killer of relationships.

Yes. Got me research.

Yeah. The antidote to contempt is empathy. So if I'm practicing this muscle we talked about building muscle. If I train my nervous system to hear what's going on with you without being overly reactive, and I actually train my nervous system to feel you more than I'm feeling myself. I'm. I'm building the skills to be able to have that. You maybe talk about emotional sex. That's emotional sex, right? That's the emotional sex. Yeah.

I think that's a lot of women. You get the emotional sex down. The other sex will happen.

I've seen it turn around. I've seen this practice alone turn around tons of relationships where they weren't having sex at all. And then, you know, I'll get emails like, my God, we haven't done anything else. We haven't done anything else.

Just that practice. That's amazing. I love it. And people can find. So, John, you're amazing. This was such a wonderful show. You have to come back on again. And I think that this can be. This can be really inspiring for a lot of our listeners. So they can find you at John Weiland. J O H N W I N E L A N D dot com. Anything else?

No, no. This is fun. I could nerd out on this stuff all day.

It's amazing. Okay, well, thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you to all my listeners. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a reminder. Wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner, believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for Weekly Emails I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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