Best Of: How to Build Sexual Tension

But here's the thing about banter. Well, it's exciting and there's adrenaline that comes from that. Banter does not make a relationship. Banter can't take you to a movie or hold your hand or cuddle. Banter is fleeting. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual all right, let's talk teasing. Do you know how to build sexual tension? Maybe you're dating and want to be a cute flirt. Or maybe you're in a long term relationship and want to create a sexy vibe, no matter your situation, Today's episode teaches a lost art, the art of the tease. First, I talk focus and flirting, simple little hacks to put the spotlight on the other person with flavors of sexual play. Next, I talk body language, when to touch, when not to touch, and how to deploy a sexy sort of rest, not desperation, to your interactions. Finally, I take your questions on confidence and seduction, including how do you show interest on a date without coming on too strong? Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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I'm going to get into some of your questions about flirting and sexual tension. But before we get into it, let's kick off today's discussion with some just basic pointers, some refreshers. Not to worry. Flirting and seduction. And building tension is a muscle and we can strengthen it anytime, anywhere. So let's do this, okay? Number one, focus on the other person. Listen, flirting adds some spice to our life and supports positive attitudes towards other people. It might be flattery. I love a compliment. It's a subtle and enjoyable flattery. And it's more of a praise. You know, it involves curiosity and humor and imagination. When you feel attracted to someone and you're like, what was that? You are feeling stirred inside and it's not because of anything sexual happened and you want to both be able to respond to that. So flirting is sort of putting the spotlight in someone else, making them feel like they're the only person in the room. It's creating that tension, that back and forth, which I totally understand is easier said than done. So here's some ways to get it going. Compliments. Here's the thing about compliments. You want to go beyond looks and you want to make them interesting because you could say you're really hot or God, you're beautiful, or you're so sexy. But letting someone know that you appreciate their fashion sense or their insight shows that you get them on a really personal level. Don't you want to feel seen by the person you're dating? Like they get you and they know you? You could say you're cute or I really like your dress. But maybe you could try to give them an unusual compliment. Like you have a really confident sounding voice. I love the sound of your voice. Or I really like the way you talk to people. You really seem like you're somebody who knows how to get the best out of people. Or I really enjoy your personality. You're so quirky and offbeat. I love listening to you laugh. Right. It's specific and it has to do with that person and you could do that with anybody. Now, even if you're not interested in them sexually. How good does it feel to be seen from people across the board? So remember that next time you're giving a compliment, you could say, great shirt. But, God, I always love your style. You're such a unique style. I love the buttons on your shirt. Specific, specific, specific. Remember, this is a practice, and we can all do this. Use their name in a conversation, if you learned their name. And I'm really bad with names sometimes, so I try to repeat it. Hey, John, nice to meet you. Oh, really, John? You think so? And I do this when I'm texting. I always use their name. Not every time, but I'm like, so, really, John? Tell me more about that. And it just. Doesn't it feel good to hear your name? And also, our brains light up when we hear our name spoken in conversation. Think about it. TV anchors do it. Politicians do it. It's a classic trick. But when we hear our name, this reward center is in our brain. We stand up, we pay attention. Someone's using our name, and it feels good. Be curious. Ask questions. If you don't know what to say, ask a question. Think of who, what, where, when, why? What made you come to this place? Why did you decide to get into that career? When did you arrive? How did you get to this certain place in your life? How did you get into this room? I mean, those are the basic questions that will allow you to be curious. When I say curious, ask questions and listen. Listening is not just about waiting for your turn to talk. It's about actually listening to what the person is saying. And how good does it feel when someone is genuinely curious and asking questions. So remember, do more asking questions and less talking about yourself. Listen. A little bit of mystery goes a long way. And curiosity is just hot. It really is. And I feel like I've said this a lot over the years to be a really great listener on a date. But I can't tell you how many people I talk to who go on dates with people. And they're like, well, they were a nice person, but they talked about themselves the whole time. And I always think to myself, didn't people get the memo? Don't people know this? That we're supposed to. On a date? Ask questions. It's a gentle dance of giving and receiving information. All right, the next point here is it's all about body language. Body language is so important for building sexual tension. Let's start with eye contact. Eye contact is huge. It really just allows us to feel connected, feel seen. And I don't mean you gotta stare into someone's eyes for 60 seconds, but just more so than not. And this is also practice. I noticed there's some things that I do where I look away or I'm thinking certain things, or I look down when I'm not quite sure what I want to say. But I'm so aware of my eye contact now that I make sure that I bring it back. And this has also become a habit now, when I don't make eye contact, I am very aware that I'm not making eye contact. So think about if eye contact is hard for you. Think about why it's hard for you. Think about what it feels like and then start to practice. You can do it with a checkout person. You can do it when you're walking down the street. You can do it with your family. Just practice making eye contact again. And remember, this is all a muscle and you will learn how to do it. Okay? That's the first thing about body language. Okay, then let's talk about just touch when it's appropriate. It's a very effective form of flirting for all genders because light touching shows interest beyond a doubt. Now, you might not be as obvious as you think. So sometimes you might think, well, I asked him out for dinner. We had a long meal. We've been on three dates, right now. How did this person not know I was interested? But when there's an absence of touch or an absence of eye contact, your person might not know. And there's different kinds of touch. Think of the first being friendly. Friendly is like a light shoulder push or shoulder tap or a handshake. That's not really flirting, but it's good to test the waters. And then there's like obvious romantic touch, like a soft face touch or brushing someone's hair. It might feel too forward for flirting. If you're not really into somebody like you touch their face. What I'm recommending here is like a middle ground where you lightly touch their arm or you lightly graze their thigh and put a hand on their thigh. That's more like informal touching around the shoulder or the waist or really on the forearm. There was a study that showed that a light touch on the forearm increased the chance that somebody would go out on a date with someone and give them their phone number. The forearm, a light touch, a graze. Because you're. Think about it. If most of connection isn't about words at all, but it's about body language. Someone feels your fingers on their forearms for the first time or Your hands on their skin, they that's going to send a message and hopefully it's going to be the right message that's going to allow you to take it to another level and remember that so much of sexual touch is a suggestion that a sexual encounter might be possible. In other words, this is sexual tension. Another thing about body language is how you are presenting yourself. Are your arms crossed? Are their arms crossed? Are you leaning in? Are you leaning towards them? I mean sometimes we have these unconscious self protection habits that we're not aware of. We close our arms off. I remember I used to do that a lot and now I notice again, you guys, this is a practice. Even when I'm in a meeting with somebody, I don't allow myself to sit with my arms crossed. Maybe if I'm alone and I'm reading or I'm focusing on something, but when I'm out in public, even with my family, I make sure that my body language is open, my arms are down and I'm leaning towards somebody. It just makes you more receptive and more open. But arms crossed, that's self protection and that is not at all showing that you are interested and in fact pay attention right now when you're out with someone. Sometimes we cross our arms because it allows us to feel more protected. Or maybe it's the way that we listen or maybe we were mimicking our parents. A lot of times the body language that we do is because something that we learn from our parents because our parents always cross their arms. So remember, uncross your arms and when your arms are open, your posture is more attentive. It's easy, it's relaxed, it's confident, it's less protective. And then finally ask yourself what steps can you take today to make you feel more confident. Remember, this is not something that you're going to study. Like you're going to go home for eight hours and study it. It is a moment by moment, day by day practice. So whether you're single or in a partnership, what can you do? So remember, attraction is still visual. You don't need to change how you look or cut your hair or wear something, Go out and buy a bunch of new clothes. But taking care of yourself, being attentive about self presentation, grooming, hygiene, all these things matter. So pay attention to your appearance, your breath, your body hygiene. Listen, you might be adorable and fascinating, but if your hygiene is off, you're not going to second date. You really just won't. And regardless of what you heard, if you don't take any Pride in your appearance and how you look. You may be dealing with some insecurity and low self esteem. You might be saying, oh, I don't really care about that stuff, but how does that truly make you feel? Is there a reason why you can go into a department store and ask for help? Like, I'm not really sure what looks good on me. Listen, that is not a skill set that we all have. We all don't know how to dress. Maybe we didn't grow up in an environment where it was important, but I'm telling you, it is part of attraction. So going back to the point here, attraction is still partly visual. So we got to pay attention to our appearance. And when you're in a long term relationship, never stop trying. You've always heard like, oh, I just wear sweats around the house. Maybe we stopped. We never change out of our sweatpants. But even just for ourselves, we want to make an effort that is going to help with confidence, doing things that make us feel good. I feel so much better when I do my hair, put some makeup on, get dressed, wear something new. It just feels good. So remember, you want to keep trying in your relationships and trying in your day to day life. If you're single and you're looking for someone, well, think about the next time you go to the store. I know it's so much easier just to roll out of bed and go somewhere. But listen, we're going to meet people out in the real world. So maybe you brush your hair, brush your teeth, put on something that makes you feel good. Because when we're wearing stuff that makes us feel good, we walk more confidently. Like, I know when I'm just throwing on my clothes and wearing my sweats and my Uggs and walking my dog. I put my sunglasses on, I put a hat on. I don't want to see anybody. I'm not feeling great, or I'm just feeling like I'm going inward. I'm listening to a podcast, I'm talking on the phone. I'm not open to receiving or to meeting anybody, which is totally fine. I'm not looking to meet anybody. But if you would like to meet someone, then think about how many times you put yourself out in the world as somebody who's open for that experience to meet someone. So pay attention to your visual appearance when you're out there. So even though confidence is an inside job, remember that it's also about patience, right? It's about being patient and planting seeds, like planting ideas in the person's mind or your partner's mind and letting them blossom. It's like creating anticipation, giving them reasons to think about you. Like a well timed wink, right? If you're out with somebody, like, I love a wink. I love when someone's. You're sitting with someone at a table and they look over and they wink at you. You're like, oh, I feel really, really seen. It could also be that touch. I'm talking about if you're out with someone and that you're dating or you're on a first date, touching their cheek softly, that is going to be lingering. That's gonna be planting the seed. You're not doing it for the next hour. You're not groping them, but you're just planting these little seeds. Whether they physical or they're verbal. And remember, people like to talk about themselves and if they share something personal with you that you can tell might have made them really uncomfortable, it's okay to tell them like, that's really hot. Thank you for sharing that. God, when you share something about yourself like that, I find that even more attractive because I feel like I know you in a more authentic way right now. I had a partner do that to me. I shared something that was so personal and, and he literally said this. He goes, God, that's hot. And I was like, oh my God, I can't believe that you think this weird thing about me is hot. I was being vulnerable. Vulnerability is sexy, people. I'm telling you. Go there, do this, try it. And also remember this. If you're making out with somebody and the vibe is right, it's feeling good, maybe a little bit of suggestive touch. I mean, a kiss doesn't just have to be with your lips. You can put your hands on their hips. You know, maybe if your hands were right around their neck, maybe you move your hands down. But remember, you want to still be chill about this. You don't want to escalate too quickly. I mean, this is the problem we see in a lot of relationships or a lot of dating is that someone goes too quickly. So remember when you're paying attention and you're going slow and you're lightly dropping these suggestive things, whether it's a word or it's a touch, you're going to escalate when the time is right. Because remember, someone's not going to have the opportunity to participate in any of this sexual tension and flirting. If you go from 0 to 100, and that is the case, that happens a lot. How often have you been making out with someone and Next thing you know, their hands are down your pants. You're like, what happened to the making out? I love the making out. I love the slow seduction of the kiss. And I love, like, leave me wanting more. Like, let's leave each other wanting more. So that's what I'm talking about, being suggestive instead of explicit. It's kind of the difference between biting your lip and grabbing their face. You know what I'm saying here? Finally, know when to make your intentions known. It is totally cool. Sexy. To let a date know I'd like to see you again. Let them know that at the end of the date and signal your intentions that, yes, you are definitely into them. This is a date and you are nowhere interested in climbing into the friend zone. I'm gonna take a quick break. When I come back onto your emails.

Foreign.

Let's get into your questions. This is from Jules, 31, in Iowa. Dear Dr. Emily, my name is Jules, and my pronouns are he, him. I'm 31 years old from Iowa. My relationship of five years ended and it left me devastated, to say the least. However, after some therapy and working on myself to be a better me, I. I believe I'm ready to date again. The problem, I believe is I'm too much of a nice guy who's kind of shy in the first date. I'm a gentleman to the ladies, which has put me in the friend zone on my first date in six and a half years. Which is fine because I still made new friend, but that isn't why I got on a dating app. Honestly, I may have forgotten how to flirt as I don't think I showed I was into her. What I think about it, it's like what Matthew Hussey said in his last appearance on your podcast. There were no signs of romantic interest, so how could she have known I was into her? Do you have any advice on how I can show my next first date I'm interested without coming off too strong? Well, first, Jules, love the self awareness here. The fact that you have gotten so specific on exactly what it is and what went wrong and you're not beating yourself up for being a bad person. You're just like, okay, I didn't flirt. Really shows great self awareness and I'm proud of you, Jules. Okay, let's talk about the friend zone real quick. Why do we get into the friend zone? Well, typically it's because we act like a friend. We offer to help, we offer to, you know, drive them somewhere or do something for them or we listen to other problems. We start to give advice. And so when you act as a friend before you act as someone who's interested or you flirt, you're going to go right into that friend zone. I think at the end of the day, we want a lover who's also a friend. Of course, I want my lovers to care about me and to do things that a friend would do and help me out, but not initially, not first thing. You don't want to lead with your friend skills is what I'm saying, because then they just see you as a friend and then they don't even know the romance part. So leading with the romance, let's start with some basic flirting 101 body language. So much of what we say is non verbal has nothing to do with the words. So be sure to just try some of these simple things next time you're on a first date. You want to lean in, not lean away. Not with your legs turned towards the side or your arms crossed, but open, leaning towards, making eye contact. And remember, you want to touch lightly. What appropriate. Not too much groping or anything aggressive, but even just a light touch of the wrist, a playful touch on the shoulder, you know, your hand on their thigh, just briefly, but something to show that I'm interested. And then there's compliments. You want to get specific with your compliments too, although I know this is new for you. You can even just say you look great or wow, I love your dress. But the more specific we get in our compliments, and this is for everybody, the better. Now someone could say to me, emily, you really pretty eyes, which I get sometimes, which is lovely. But when someone says what an interesting color, you have that dark ring that goes along, you know, you have such a dark ring that goes along the outside of your pupils that's so pretty. So it's like someone specifically notices the color of my eyes or they're just. It's an unusual compliment. But even just saying you look great or you know, I love your hair or you have a great smile is, I don't want to stress you out here, Jules. You don't have to also master compliments and master flirting, but let me tell you why this is important. So I went out with somebody and I really wasn't sure if he was interested. We touched a great first date. We were talking and we were really had a lot in common. But I was waiting and it was subtle, but I was like, well, there hasn't been a compliment. There hasn't been a lean towards, there hasn't been a touching you know, there. There hasn't been any of those things. I mean, those are really the direct signs that let us know that this isn't somebody who you're going to be friends with for life. So it was almost like a requirement. And it's not like I had really thought in that moment. It was more when I got home, I thought, well, there wasn't any of these signs because this is what I do. I study it. So I even said something after. I remember we were going on another date, and I said, well, I don't know. I said something like, is this a date? Because I wasn't sure. And he's like, of course. I'm so attracted. Something like, oh, my God, yes. I hope so. I haven't stopped thinking about you. And I just needed those words. And of course, this goes both ways. Any gender. Any gender can definitely send a compliment their way. But I was just sort of, you know, wanted to see where they were bringing it. Listen, we're always waiting for someone else to make the move. Now, maybe people that you were dating, they weren't confident either. They weren't ready to show it. But for a lot of us, we want to know that the person that we're with is interested. So making a move, leaning in, giving a compliment, asking questions and making eye contact and being a great listener, those are all the places to start. So what I'm saying is that subtly, even not consciously, we're all looking for these little signs. That's exactly where I would recommend you to start, Jules. And that is really what I think is going on here. And I know you're going to have plenty of second dates and in your future. I feel good about this one. Thanks, Jules. This is from Nikki, 24, in Massachusetts. Hey, Dr. Emily. I love the show. And finally, the courage to write in for some advice. I really like this guy in my friend group. He's three years older than me. I've asked him to hang out at least 10 times, and we always have a great time. I've done as much as I can to make it obvious that I like him without actually telling him. He's a pretty anxious, shy person, and one of his friends told me that he thinks he likes me, but I'll have to make the move because he's anxious and shy. How can I make a move without making it awkward? I don't want to lose this friend group. And even if things don't work out with us romantically, I still want to be friends with him and don't want things to become awkward between us. Please help. Thanks for the show. I love listening and hearing how you've helped so many people. All right. Thank you for your question. Okay, there's a few things going on here. You've hung out 10 times. That's a lot to hang out with someone and not really know. Now his friend says he's anxious and shy. So I think on the 11th date you can just say to him, hey, so what do you think this is? Do you want to keep hanging out or I think you're hot. I want to kiss you. I can't stop thinking about kissing you. Lean towards him. Put your hand on his face. Put your hand on his thigh. Say, so we gonna make out? I mean, make it fun, make it flirty. Let him know that you're interested. Now back to the thing that you said about I don't want to ruin this because if we're friends and how to make it awkward. Listen, if you're in a friend group with somebody or you're friends with somebody and you're worried about making the move, are you really friends? Like, is it really a true authentic friendship if you have feelings for them, if you're feeling an attraction, if you're feeling it could go beyond friendship.

Then it's important for you to let that be known because otherwise it is not a true authentic friendship. Right. And your friend group, if they're cool and awesome, which I'm sure they are, your friends won't get hung up on it. I think we make it awkward and we make it weird. So to circle back, if his friends let you know that he's anxious and he's shy, then just make a move. So we've been out so much right now and I've been thinking about kissing. You let him know you're interested. And remember, everyone, it is great practice to learn how to flirt. We are not born knowing how to flirt. It is not a natural skill set for many of us. So if you just start with the basics, eye contact, compliments, body language, you're going to be well ahead of the game. Here. This is from Olivia, 27, in Oklahoma. Hey, Dr. Emily. Not super sex related, but close. I got out of a toxic long term relationship and I haven't been dating. Mostly because I haven't been interested in the fuss and I just like focusing on me, but also partly because I don't know how to put myself out there. Recently I started talking to an older man. He's about 13 years older. We clicked and I was very forward when we first Began talking. I was actually sipping a wine cooler and asking my friend for flirting advice. I got his number and all that. Needless to say, I haven't continued to be that forward. And our conversations are brief but frequent. I like him a lot. He's really the only person I'm interested in. He turns me on by some of the things he says. His flirting is subtle, which I enjoy, but how do I know if he's interested in more than the banter? Would he have done something by now? He's like me. He's not a fan of casual hookups. And I'd like to explore things with this man, but I don't know how to get over myself and hopefully under him. I hope you can help, and I hope this is a question you can answer. All right, Olivia, thanks so much for your question. So what I hear you saying is, this guy, we don't know, you met him once, you were a little buzzed on a wine cooler. Your friend was helping you out, and now you're having this really great, exciting banter that's building sexual tension, but you haven't seen him again. You deserve to see this guy again. But here's the thing about banter. Well, it's exciting, and there's adrenaline that comes from that. Banter does not make a relationship. Banter can't take you to a movie or hold your hand or cuddle. Banter is fleeting. All the texting and the sexting now, it's a necessary component for many. Like, we want to feel that connection through text because that's how most of us initially connect these days. But it's not sustainable. So it's totally okay for you, Olivia, to say to him, hey, let's go out and do something. What are you doing Saturday night? I've got tickets to something, or want to go for a hike? You want to go for a walk? Let's grab dinner. You need to know right now, how are you going to know if you have real chemistry if you don't see see him? And I don't think you need to worry that you're going to ruin some great banter unless you're just looking for a relationship that's all about texting. But if it goes on for a week and you're just texting and there's no room for a plan, it is time to step up and say, hey, let's find out if this is, you know, if we actually like each other. You can even make a joke about it. Like, well, we know we got this banter thing. Down. Let's see how we do in person. And I always think it's great to give someone a second chance. Like if you go on a first date with someone, it sounds like you met them once, but you go on a first date and you think it's good. Not great, but there's some kind of connection, but you're not sure, why not go one more time and see what happens, you know, and if the second date's good, you know, and you're like, oh, maybe go three times. But I like a three day rule after three dates. That's enough to know if this goes the distance. But remember, you've just been texting with this guy for a while now, so I wouldn't worry about ruining something that you don't have right now. Let's figure out if there's some chemistry and this could be your guy. Okay, Let me know how it goes. Thank you. This is from Jake, 21 in England. Hey Dr. Emily recently found your podcast after ending a long term relationship of two years. Pre relationship. I always had issues with attracting girls. It's not that I'm an unattractive person, but it's more so my confidence. I lack such self confidence. How can I approach somebody in person or over text? How do I make the first move? What can I do to win a girl over? I'm not looking for a relationship. It's more of a hookup. To put it bluntly, this isn't to get over the recent breakup as I'm not ready. It's more for when I am. Thanks for your advice. All right, Jake. So it's a lot of what we've been talking about here is that confidence. It's an inside job and it's something that we work at every single day to feel like we show up as the best version of ourself and really not worrying so much about what other people think. So there aren't any special pickup lines here at all. I mean, practice saying hello to someone, just say hi. In fact, there have been studies that have shown that really saying hi is the most effective way to meet someone. Not hi beautiful or is this seat taken? Or do you come here often? Just hello, be interested, ask questions. Making eye contact with somebody using someone's name. When you find their name out, you can repeat it. Hi. Well, Emily, tell me more about. So Emily, what's in the bag? What did you get to drink? So let's say you're waiting in line or you're both in an environment you want to observe something going on in the environment. You could be in a coffee shop, you could be waiting in line at the grocery store, you could be at the grocery store, you could be in a restaurant. Observe something going on. Well, that's interesting. Or how often does it usually rain here? I didn't think it was ever going to stop raining. God, the traffic today was insane. How long did it take you to get here? I mean really, just casual conversation, observing something in the environment and asking a question. That doesn't sound like flirting, right? But just a way to get to know somebody and you get to connect them in a non threatening way. Because what's way more threatening is coming off is like creepy. Or do you come here often? Or using one of these pickup lines. That's just not going to work for you, Jake. That's really not going to work for any of us. I'm just going to repeat this body language. Your body language is going to indicate whether you are confident or not. So just be confident, smile, have a positive attitude, don't overdo flirting and you don't want to flirt with everybody. And also be a good listener. Show that you're interested in your date and you want to feel relaxed. Remember, your body language should be calm and relaxed. You want to have a welcoming disposition. You'll have your arms open, your body language is open. Turn off your phone, stop looking at your phone and be yourself. The more we are ourselves, the more we are truly ourselves and we stop censoring what we're going to say. You know, the more people can authentically get to know us. So it's a practice. And let me tell you this, Jake, we can practice flirting every single day. There are people walking on this planet. You go out, you're walking, you're on the bus going to work, you're in the store, you're at the gym. There's always an opportunity for you to smile and strike up a conversation with someone, even if you're not interested. In fact, I think it's a great practice to do with people that you don't even want to have sex with that you're not even attracted to. Practice flirting in your day to day life with everybody. And then it becomes a skill set. And it helps you get over the fear you have of maybe talking to people or approaching. And it really has to do with personality too. It just makes you more likable, makes you more approachable as well. And then it becomes more of a habit. It's not all we want, right? We want to do things that make us uncomfortable. Enough so they become a habit. That's a secret. All right, Jake, best of luck to you and let me know how it goes.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com Ask Emily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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