Best of: How to Initiate Sex

Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, fuller erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydro powered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered, backed by science, and designed to give real, lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bathmate hydro pump can help you increase size and girth, gradually boost confidence in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non invasive and totally shower friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SW10@bathmate direct.com. that's Bathmate Direct B A T H M A T E D I r e c t dot com. Use code SW10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate direct dot com, use SW10 and level up your confidence.

Let me tell you why I wasn't right. Because you were new at dating. You said he was texting you every two weeks. So for a lot of people that wouldn't feel right, I'd be like, where'd you go? You wanna talk more often? So there probably were signs there. Like when you were with him, it was probably great, but then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life. But I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect in the sense of like, you probably. There were signs that he was seeing other people or that was gonna drop off, you know what I'm saying? So let that experience go from a year ago. We tend to hang on to our last experience. That was the most.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's one of the most common questions I get. How do I initiate sex the right way? Listen, there's no right way to initiate sex, but I'll be honest, it might take a little warm up period to get everyone ready and on the same page. And that's because sex is just as much a head game as a body 1. Sexual so in this episode we're helping you calm your nerves before initiation recover from failed initiations cause that happens and walk into each sexual encounter with more confidence. At the end of the day we all crave intimacy, right? And we all wanna please our partners. So by the end of this episode, I think you'll feel much more clear on how to arouse your partner intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention for the episode. I do it and it'll help you ground in the episode and fig out what you want to learn from it. Well, my intention is to help you cut yourself some slack when it comes to sexual initiations because listen, they can be nerve wracking. But once you feel more secure about how to invite someone into an erotic vibe, it's going to be much easier to create pleasure together. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article 6 Ways to Upgrade your 69 is up at sex with emily.com Also check out my YouTube channel, my social media and TikTok Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me more questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

So in today's episode we're talking about sex initiations, which I get can be really intimidating, especially if you don't know what you're doing. You don't know how to initiate sex because you're used to someone always initiating sex with you. Or maybe you tried it before and got rejected. I get it all around. It can be confusing because it's also really vulnerable. That's why I'm taking your emails and calls today on the matter. But before we get started, I thought I'd offer three quick tips about sexual initiation. The idea here is that we're warming things up and getting both people in an erotic headspace. And even if you're already there yourself, there still is some warming up that needs to happen. So next time you want to initiate sex with a partner, instead of going right in for the killer, try warming up with these tips, number one, you want to build some sexual tension with words. So this is flirting, teasing, and giving a really sincere compliment. Just kind of looking at them, saying, you know, I gotta say, you look so hot today. I love that dress you're wearing or that shirt. Really shows off your eyes. I love the way your eyes sparkle. So specific and sincere. And listen, even if words aren't your love language, I believe that compliments are everyone's love language. Even if it's hard to take compliments, who doesn't love to hear a sincere compliment? It'll help get you in the mood, help you feel more connected to your partner. Next thing, kiss. And do it creatively. Yes, you can lean in and kiss them right on the lips, or you can look into their eyes and ask, can I kiss you? And then lean in to kiss them on the neck, which is just. I don't know. I love a neck kiss. It's just unexpected, a little bit more lusty, and just something a little bit different. So get creative with your kissing. Kiss the bottom lip instead of the upper lip. Kiss the forehead, kiss the cheek, you know, or just start with a neck. Cause again, neck kissing is hot. Next, use some suggestive touch. So instead of immediately reaching your hand down their pants, you know, try rubbing their inner thighs, rubbing above their clothes, playing with their shirt collar. I mean, you're initiating the sex. You know, you're not having sex. You're building up the sex. So everything I'm talking about here is part of the foreplay. So think about those tips. When you're thinking about jumping into sex, you don't want to be the partner. That's like tapping on the knee and saying, hey, let's do it. You know, that is not going to get most partners going and ready for action. So think about those tips and let's get into your questions. Hey, Dr. Emily, my question for you. Other than having sex conversations with my significant other, what are some ways to help me and my significant other be more intimate with each other? We both have busy jobs, and recently it's affected how we have sex with each other. Because I want her to express and see how sexy I know she is. Is this just communication between us? Is there something I can do to help her? So I believe what you're saying here, Scott, is how do I get her to be more into sex and how to initiate sex? Is what I think you meant here. First off, you said that you're having sex conversations with her. What you're really craving is intimacy. So I just Want to say that I love that you know that about yourself. Because I think ultimately if you look at it, that's what a lot of us crave. I mean, sure, we want to have sex, we want to have the orgasms I spoke about and have the feel good hormones. And what you might need to do, and this goes for everybody, is that we have to be really specific when we make a request to our partner about something that we want. Especially when it comes to intimacy and your sex life. Maybe you want her to initiate more. Here's the thing about initiating. There is one partner that always initiates more than the other. But just telling your partner, for example, you never initiate, why don't you initiate sex? I really wish you would initiate more. Rarely does that work. And what happens is that one partner becomes resentful because they're waiting, like I told you to initiate and the other partner heard it and then thought, I, I don't know when, or in their head they're probably thinking, oh yeah, that's a good idea. But remember that initiating sex is actually a skill and a habit. And if you don't have either one of those or experience with it, it's not going to naturally occur to you. You might already have a built in mechanism that's like, well, this isn't a good time to initiate or oh, I'll do it after dinner or I'll do it on Saturday and since it's something new, it's your edge, it might not happen. So I believe that in a relationship where you're talking about sex and you have good relationship in all these other areas, that your partner really does want to please you and if they said yes, they'll do it. They likely want to. But remember that you might need to paint a picture for them about what that looks like. So for example, Scott, if you want her to initiate more, you might just need to say to her, you know what? I'd really love if you brought sex to the table. And here's what it looks like. This is where we have to give an example. So Scott, you might feel like, you know what? I can't believe she doesn't know that and doesn't mean she's never turned on. But listen, it's well documented that women have more of a responsive arousal, meaning we respond to stimuli, seeing something, maybe our partner starts to touch us or cuddle us and then we get in the mood. But for men, it's more spontaneous, right? So you see your wife and you get an erection. Like it's literally a Spontaneous, external. You are turned on. But since it's different for women, especially in your relationship, it might take a little bit more explanation. So you could say to her, I would love it if you initiated. So the next time, give an example. After dinner, I'd love you to come over and start kissing my neck, the back of my neck, and put your arms around me and do that thing that you do. It could just be one thing like that that will signal to her, oh, this is gonna signal to you that I'm trying to initiate sex. And then you gotta go roll with it. It might not be perfect, it might be clunky, but what isn't when we're learning a new skill, right? We're never just, like, excellent at it out of the gate. And taking it from somebody who. I had to learn it because I was always having partners initiate. I was like, this is something that I do not do. And it wasn't because I didn't want sex. I just knew it was gonna happen. Just. And if it didn't happen, sometimes after I'm with someone for. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay, we just watched TV or we did our thing. But I had to have a partner say to me, you never initiate. I was like, God damn it. Am I that person? I also am not initiating in a relationship, and this is my job to tell everybody else to do it. And so I had to hear it at first. I'm like, I do. And I thought, oh, God, I really haven't lately. And so I just. I really thought about it. And even for me, it is my expertise. I had to think about it before I went to his house, like, okay, so I'm gonna wear this thing. And I actually. It was really great for me, personally, because I. Tell me if this is familiar. I had all these things that I had bought that made me feel sexy. I had, like, this really beautiful, like, black bodysuit that had lace on it, and I had this satin. Like, I splurged on it to wear sometime. And I never was in the mood or I'd forget. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna wear this bodysuit. I'm gonna bring over. I always did this for, like, my favorite sex toy or something, Whatever it was, whatever. I had to try for work that week, and I went there with the intention that I'm going to initiate this. I'm gonna make it happen. And so that's how I started doing it. I really just, like, walked in the door, and I just didn't get distracted. Because that's another thing I would do. And I'd be like, oh, I'm hungry, or, we want to catch up about our day, or, let's do something else. I even remember feeling like, okay, this is going to be a little bit new for me in this new relationship. And it felt really empowering. And it was just a really. And then I liked doing it. I was like, okay, I'm going to do this more. And so we all know how. It's not that we don't know how. It's that we just. It's vulnerable. Perhaps we're afraid of feeling rejected. You know, I remember this woman I met at a conference, and she came up to me and she said, you know what? She'd been married for 20 years. And she said, I never initiate, and I didn't realize why. And I was teaching in a workshop. And she said, it was something that you said because she'd been listening to the podcast and came to a workshop. And she said, I realized that 20 years ago, my husband and I were newlyweds. She said, I went upstairs and I came down in this, like, beautiful underwear. Like panties and a bra and, like, garters, which, if you've ever worn those, like, it's. You don't just whip them on. You got. There's, like, an awkward clip in the back and in the front, and then there's, like, a seam. And you have to make sure that they don't look awkward, because you can't. You can't be sexy if the seam is twisted. And they're never even. I mean, we don't just, like, throw it on and feel sexy. It takes effort. So she's like, I did the whole thing, and I put on my lingerie, and I put on my best body oil, and I walked down the stairs, and he was sitting in the study, he was working, and he looked at me, and I came down. She's like, I've never, ever put myself out there. And he just looked at her and went back to his work. Like, he didn't. He said, I'm still gonna finish up here. She felt he completely ignored her. And she felt so broken from that moment and so vulnerable and so rejected. Even though it was her husband that she said, for all these years, I never tried again. I never initiated again. I mean, this is the thing about our habits and our behaviors. It just takes one thing. Like, sometimes it's one rejection. It's somebody criticizing our body, someone telling us we're not a good kisser, or we're not good in bed, anything or criticizing our body. And it just can hurt us so badly in the moment that we completely shut down. We integrate that into our body, so that becomes part of our, like, in a way, it's like a trauma response. I mean, for her, I would say that that was like a trauma. And she said that she was finally able to. Can't remember if she'd released it, listening to the podcast, or she came to tell me about it, but she said, like, she was able to now, you know, bring it up. And she felt like he didn't remember. I think he didn't remember that moment because of course he wouldn't. I mean, he felt so bad. He was like, I. If I had known or I remembered he probably had a deadline for work. He was stressed out. You know how it is. I've been there. I don't see what's happening when I'm at the computer and I'm caught up. What this points out is a lot of things, not only about initiating sex, but that there could be something that happens in a moment, in a flash, and we feel vulnerable, we feel rejected, compromised, and we just. We do what we always did, right? Maybe we were criticized as a child, criticized in high school. Something happened, and we just. We either shut down, we retreat, we get anxious about it. And so if we don't feel safe dealing with conflict and bringing it up to our partner, there's like a very fine line. There's like a moment there where you're like, I'm just going to take this. It's very familiar. I'm being ignored. I'm not being seen. And if I had her here, I would say to her that that's probably a familiar scenario. You know, maybe her dad came home from work and she felt very unseen. Or maybe she was always looked over for, you know, something in school. And as a result, that something can happen that mimics that very early experience, and we just do the same thing. And so the trick in a relationship, in any kind of relationship, I mean, this could happen at work with a friend, is that you. In that moment, you realize that something's happening. And this is like a somatic experience. You can learn to kind of feel these things in your body sometimes. Like, this is my anxiety feeling, this is my breath quickening. You can stop and say, oh, it's that thing. I'm feeling uncomfortable. What is it? Oh, it's the way I just felt unseen. And then you could turn to your partner and say, you know, maybe it's not even in that moment, it could be the next day, but not 20 years later.

You say, when you guys are in a. You know, my rules for communicating about things that are challenging are the same across the board. Timing, turf, and tone. You want to make sure that it's the right time, you're in the right place, and you are doing it with the right tone. And the right tone is always, always, always, always leading with curiosity and calm and just sort of, hey, let's have a conversation about something. You know, I just wanna talk to you for a minute. Maybe you're going for a walk or you've just finished a good meal. You can say, you know, last night I came down the stairs and I was really excited because I had put on this thing that made me feel really sexy. And I. And I noticed you were at your computer and you looked at me and the way you just turned back around, it made me feel really unseen. Or like you didn't find me sexy anymore. And imagine if she had said that to him, you know, and no one can argue with your feelings. So first off, what I'm saying is you always. You don't want to say, you never look at me and you don't. You ignore me. But just when this happened, it made me feel blank. That is just communication 101. In the moment there, you know, he could say, well, I don't remember that. Or I didn't see it. I mean, sure, I'm not saying they're all going to go, it's going to be an easy conversation, but what could happen after that? You know, he might have said, oh, wow, I didn't even see you. Which could feel bad, but that's just at least of your answer. He didn't think you didn't look sexy. He didn't think you looked ridiculous. Because that was part of it. She's like, maybe I looked ridiculous, or I knew I gained weight, or he wasn't attracted to me anymore, right? We go to there, we think, I'm being rejected for sex. My partner just rejected my advances, and so therefore I am not lovable, I'm not attractive. But he would say, oh, babe. No, I would, please. Like, maybe he would have said, I'm so sorry. Show me right now. I had that deadline. And that's how you repair. Like, that's. That's when we talk about repair in a relationship. And I believe that relationships are not actually about perfection and about getting along all the time. In fact, if you're in a relationship, you're like, we never fight. There's a problem if you never have conflict. They're not about perfection. They're about repair. They're not about everything being great. They're about how do we repair when we get into a fight or an argument, how do we communicate? Like, how do we resolve conflict? If you don't have those skills right now, you don't know how to repair an argument or talk about your feelings. That's where your focus should be. And once you learn it's a skill, right, it's like it transfers to every other area of your life. It transfers to sex, conversations, your work, conversations everywhere. So, Scott, there's your answer. Let's talk to Kyle, 21 in Tennessee. Kyle, what's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hi. How are you doing?

I'm great. Kyle, good to hear from you. What's going on?

So I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks now, and I really think she could be the one. And we haven't had the chance to have sex yet. And I feel like every time we get there, I get real nervous. And I feel like if I don't please her, she may not want to stay with me. And I. I just need to figure out, like, how I can calm these nerves and just be myself with her.

Okay, wait, what has happened so far or nothing. You haven't seen her yet? Well, we kind of.

We've gone on a few days. When we go back to the house, we start to get serious. And every single time, like, I get. I get too nervous. I feel like I'm not going to be able to perform to her standard. She's. She's really pretty, and it's like I can't live up to those expectations.

And then what happens?

I just. I kind of pull out and I. I don't keep going and keep playing with her.

You just got to go in with the notion, like, I'm going to make her feel good. I'm going to please her and see what she wants.

Should I go down on her for.

A while to start?

Just to kind of maybe calm the nerves and.

Absolutely, Kyle, this is what I always recommend.

I'm not going to please her.

Yeah, exactly. Kyle, listen, whenever you're in your head, that's exactly what's happening. But I promise you, there is nothing like getting your confidence because you're talking about confidence. And Kyle, just know that no one at 21. The guys who think they're confident at 21, I'm telling you, if I could go back to my 20, they didn't. It's like a false confidence. Like, yeah, women like when I pound away at them. And that feels good, I'm telling you. So you just haven't had enough years on the planet yet of having sex that you would feel confident. So just know you're where most many people are at your age. So you're not like behind the eight ball. There's no problem here. It's just like, it's a new thing. And she's a new partner for you. So you're always gonna lead with giving, especially when it comes to sex. So if you go in, you're like, I just wanna look at you, I wanna undress you, I wanna go down on you, I wanna finger you. I mean, ask her what turns her on. And then once you are pleasing her, that's how you get your confidence up. You're like, oh, I got this. You know, she's, she's feeling good right now. And then you'll be more focused on her pleasure. And then you won't have been in your head the last 15 minutes getting undressed and then worrying the same thing's gonna happen again. So. Absolutely. And also we know that you get nervous. Especially like in our 20s like this, guys are nervous. Women are nervous too, but they don't have to perform like men do. They feel like, show up, have an erection. If it happens and you start to get nervous again, just say, you know, I wanna take it to few deep breaths here. Like, I think you're so hot. I mean, telling you to keep telling her how hot she is and how attracted you are. And you just want to please her. Take a beat, it's okay. But I would ask what feels good to her?

So next time I get in my head, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna go through and look at her and just do everything I can. I'm gonna go down on her and just. And just pleasure her until like I get the confidence to get in there.

Yes, exactly, Kyle. That's what you're gonna do. That will work, I'm telling you. It's also a beautiful resolution here for the whole thing. Because I'm telling you, she typically women, you know, take longer to get aroused than men. So that's why you know one of the best books about sex, which you should could order right now. It's called she Comes First. And it's a great book written by Dr. Ian Kerner, you know, renowned sex therapist, like 20 years ago. And essentially it's not just cause we women first women are better. It's like we literally, the way we are, we are built right. Our genitalia are such that there's an orgasm gap. It can take women 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm, get aroused. But for men, you know, Kyle, you know, you get turned on and you're ready to go.

Oh, yeah, I. I get aroused faster than anyone I know.

It's insane, Kyle. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so true.

That's what happens. That's what's. So. This is just totally normal. Typical. And you're exactly where you need to be at 21 years old. In fact, men don't know this at 40.

Thank you so much, Emily. Thanks for having me on for sex with Emily.

Yeah, Kyle, thanks. Call back. Let me know how it goes. I'm here for you every night. Let me know. Okay, this is what I love. Is that now I want to hear, right? I'm invested in Kyle now. Look, we just sent him off into the world to be a great young lover. After the break, I'll be answering your questions.

Okay? This is Bethany, 29, from Nashville, and she wants sex, but not casual sex. Hey, Bethany, tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling. Hey. Hey.

Thanks for having me.

Of course.

Well, when I wrote you, I was, like, talking about a situation that happened maybe, like, a year ago, but I haven't had any, like, new situation since then. So it's kind of like, I guess I don't date that much, and I don't really know why, and I. It's rare that I have relationships. Like, I've had, like, one relationship in my whole life, and I'm 29.

Okay.

I'm realizing now, looking back that I'm like. I just, like, was totally clueless about how, like, the dating world, quote, unquote, works. Like, now I'm, like, watching these, like, YouTube channels of, like, these people. Like, Elliot Scott, I don't know if you heard of him, but he's, like, giving tips to, like, women, like, about dating and, like, how the mind of a man works, which sounds so, like, tried or something. Really helping me and, like, enlightening me right now. I'm like, damn, I wish I saw this like, a year ago, but give.

Me an example of what made you go, damn, I didn't know that. Like, what are you learning? Tell me what you.

Right. So, I mean, there's this guy that I was talking to. He was, like, messaging me on Instagram, but acting, like, super, super interested. And I knew who he was, and, like, it. It was like, we, like, liked each other's art and music and stuff. So it was like we had like a resonance and it was like, oh, cool. We were like talking about it and he was like, we should hang out. Like, I really want to hang out with you. And then we did hang out, and it was like, really good. And like, I thought that he was someone that was like, worthwhile to like, put time into. I don't know, I. I guess I just like, liked him. And then he was. Seemed to be really into me too, and was like, super excited for like three weeks or something. And then kind of just like stopped.

Right.

Texting me as often. And then I started realizing, like, you know, like months into it, I'm like, oh, I really like him. But I guess he's only texting me like once every two weeks. Like, you know, and I was so like, monkey mind about it. And then like. And now there's like a year ago or something. And now I'm finding this YouTube channels that are like, hey, girls, this is what guys do. Like, they actually into you because they have to hook you in. And then they might be like, trying to keep you using the bare minimum amount of effort. Or like, if you don't lay down the law or show them what your boundaries or standards are initially, then they're.

Not gonna like, respect you or something.

Treat you. Yeah, kind of. I just like, didn't know that there was all. That was like a no.

I would stop watching all the channels. This is what I want for you. Not. That's not helpful. And I get it. Like, I wouldn't say stop. I'm saying that there is useful information for sure if you haven't dated. Like, listen, things. Figure things out. But for you, you just haven't had a lot of experience dating. So I. I don't believe in all of these rules. Like, what I believe is that you, Bethany, it is figure out, like, who you. What you're looking for right now. And I think that the. The thing about dating is, is, like, what I would tell you is that you don't really know what's going on with other person. Like, I would say that it's all about, like, people date for a few weeks. So, you know, they might be seeing a lot of people. Like, he might not be looking for a real. Whoever it is, he like the. The grand. He. Right. He's like dating a bunch of people. Or maybe he got back together with his ex, or maybe he just wanted sex or he has no time for a relationship. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work. Out. But women and men, we do this, we blame ourselves. What did I do wrong? I shouldn't have invited him back to my house after the second date. That's why. Or why'd I wear this skirt? You know, I should have worn pants. You know, who knows? Like, we think of a million things. He didn't like that. You know, I. He didn't like the dinner I made him. Like, we come up with all these things, and it's never what we worry about. It's never those things that we obsess about. So I. The most important thing is building your confidence around men and really just being comfortable, like, making friends with guys and dating and just being like. And understanding what you want right now. And I think it is true that everybody on date, like, there is something fun when you're dating someone to kind of like, we don't know where it's going to go. But I think it's important to honestly know. Like, if you're just casually dating right now, you can let people know, like, I'm just dating, or I'm. I'm looking for, you know, to hang out with people. Or maybe you want a boyfriend. So if you do, like, maybe you date a few people at once and you let people know that, like, I am looking for something serious, but not right away, or I want to get to know you more. Like, I do think that people appreciate more information, and I think that even if you don't know, you can let them know that you're exploring it. Because I think rather than just kind of pretending that it's nothing and we're all being casual and what's going to happen, that's when we end up getting hurt and making up all these meanings to things that have no meaning. So I think you just got to get back out there. Like you said, you don't really know how to date. And I think, like, this is the thing you said. You don't get asked out or you don't meet people. There's a lot of single people. Like, you're in Nashville. Like, there are single people everywhere. There's more single people now in America than ever. So I think the thing about where we don't meet people is because we don't put ourselves out there. Like, you take the same route home from every work, from work, every day. You go to the same bar with your friends. You hang out with your same three friends. So how you start meeting people is saying yes to those invites. Like, maybe once a week, you say yes to that barbecue that you don't really like, someone invites you on Facebook, you know those of invites and you're like, you never look at them, but you're like, oh, I kind of like her. Maybe she'll have cool friends. Or you let people know that you know and trust family and friends that you're single. Like if you know anyone, like, fix me up. So you start putting that energy out there and you just start practicing talking to guys and people that you're maybe not even attracted to, but you just have that rapport. So it's not so scary for you. When you go out, you're like, how do I talk to a guy? And then it just becomes second nature. So I would say it's more about you and having confidence in yourself and your work and having a healthy life, having a rich, healthy, full life, I think. And being comfortable in yourself is the way that you start to meet people because then you're coming from a good solid place and then you'll be attracting people who are like minded rather than being like, it's a date, what does it mean? You know what I'm saying? This way it's sort of part of what you're doing right now. You're working, you're seeing your friends, you're working out, you know, you're, you're doing all these other things and that's a part of it. It's not become your singular focus. Because then dating happens as part of a lifestyle. Does that make sense? Right?

Yeah.

So yeah, I mean, I think. Do you have any other like questions around that? Because I feel like I'm trying to get your question. Like I said, you're not that comfortable like dating.

And I think that casual sex and stuff, like I think you just kind of casual sex isn't for everybody, you know, like casual sex, it's not like the rules that society says you have to have it. Like some people are just like, they don't like it, right? They're like, no, I can't handle not knowing if someone's gonna call or not being intimate with someone and knowing that, that we're part of a relationship or that I can trust them. And for a lot of women, the best sex they have is when they're with someone they trust and they know they're going to see em or they, you're comfortable. But when we're not comfortable or it's new, we feel pressured. That's not when we have the best sex. So you might be someone who right now needs to know somebody. Like you want to feel like, you've gone out, you've had some experiences, and then you feel safe. And then you might even have casual sex and be like, it's still not for me. Or you might learn, like, I've gone through ebbs and flows in my life where I'm into casual sex and then I'm not, and they're not in a relationship, but, you know, it just ebbs and flows. So right now I'd say maybe you don't even really know what works for you. So I would practice dating or saying yes to people that you wouldn't. They call it duty dating, but, like, thing yes to people that you wouldn't normally say yes to. Finding who your type is, finding what you like doing with a guy. So kind of start from that place rather than making it about sex.

Damn.

Yeah, damn. Right.

Like.

Just put your.

Do you have, like, do you go out a lot? Do you do things that you, you know, what do you like doing what's fun for Bethany?

I, I, well, I just moved here to this new city.

Okay.

I'm just like, working a lot. And then my co worker invited me to show. She's performing at tonight.

Yeah.

And I was like, damn, I don't know if I'm gonna go. And then when you're saying that, I was like, damn, you know, maybe I should.

I'm telling you. Yeah, I'm telling you, you should go. Because whenever I've not wanted to go to something just because I'm tired at home from work and I make myself go. Like, I've been in periods of life where they come and go, where I'm like, no, I gotta be more social. So if you said you were gonna go, just go. And I feel like 99% of the time, I do not regret going out. Like, I'm just like, I'm glad I went. You might meet some really cool friends. You just moved to a new city, so it's kind of exciting. Like, you're probably looking for female friends, male friends, everything. So these are the experiences where you meet people. Yes. You can use the apps and all that, but I think actually being comfortable in the new town and it's exciting. Like, it's exciting to move to a city in your 20s where you don't know anybody. Like, I did that and it was like, the most time, like, I look back on that, I'm like, how you get to reinvent yourself. You get to, like, you know where you're at in your life right now. So I would think about, I would kind of Like I said, work on developing a really rich life right now. Like, healthy life, surrounded by good people. And it's just gonna happen for you because you don't have any problems. You know, it's not real problems. It's an exciting time in your life. So I think go to the show tonight. Have a good time, talk to people, make yourself. Like, if you're like, I'm just gonna sit here. Just like, I'm gonna go say hi. And that's when you get those charges. Like, that's the connection. Like, that's what life's about. Those real moments with people. Not swiping through apps. Yeah, that's a good supplement. But real life experiences are good for you.

That's true. How do you, like.

I feel like I'm like, want to, like, have intimacy with people, but I guess I just, like, have to wait because I have to, like, know if I can trust them.

Oh. Cause you want to? Yeah. I mean, no, I'm not saying you have to. Maybe you try it and you're like, oh, that didn't work for me. There are no rules here. You get to decide your own rules. Like, I know people, like, so everyone gets set up their own rules. So, you know, if you decide you want sex, you can go out and find sex. You know, you get to decide. Like, some people are like, I just had sex. And I get to. Because when we get to decide, like, you can decide if you don't want to call someone as well. So I think just meet that person, and then in the moment, you can decide, what do I want? Not the other way around. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's some people who are like, I've been having casual sex for two years, and it doesn't feel good. I'm like, okay, here's your practice. Go out with someone and don't sleep with them for a month. Right? But you're not in that position right now. I don't know what you're like, Bethany. I don't know. So you might not know either. So you might find someone in the next few days you like, and you want to go out with them again, and maybe this weekend you guys will make out. Who knows? So I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I think you should just trust your gut and your feelings and check in with yourself. How does it feel? And, like, yeah, I think it's probably better to take things slow and get to know someone. But, you know, if you don't just need to sleep with Someone see how that makes you feel. You never know. A lot of things work for everybody. But what I'm saying for you is we don't know yet. So just keep checking in with yourself and just go out and meet some people. That's a great way to meet. I've met a lot of my guys. A lot of people I've dated are through other friends and shared experiences.

Definitely. I mean, yeah, okay. I guess my, like, I'm like, I will, like, with the person that I was talking about earlier, like, it did feel, like, super. Right? And then I ended up being like.

Let me tell you, I wasn't right. I'm gonna tell you this. And I fled to go. Let me tell you why I wasn't right. Because you were new at dating. You said he was texting you every two weeks. So for a lot of people, that wouldn't feel right. I'd be like, where'd you go? Like, two weeks? Like, to me, it's like, you know, like, you want to talk more often. So there probably were signs there. Like, when you were with them, it was probably great. But then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life. But I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect in the sense of, like, you probably. There were signs that he was seeing other people or that was gonna drop off. You know what I'm saying? So let that experience go from a year ago. We tend to hang on to our last experience that was the most intense. So let's let that go. Your new Bethany in a new city. Go out tonight. I think you're way in your head about this, and I just want you to go out and have fun, make new friends. Figure out where you love to go. People love meeting new people. Like, it's so fun, you know, you're just bringing yourself to the table and you're gonna start to, like, meet new people and have new experiences, and then everything else is gonna follow. So don't trip on this last guy and what it meant. People are doing a whole bunch of different things right now. When you meet him, you never know. So I don't think that means anything. Okay, you got this, Bethany. Just go out and figure out who you are.

Okay, I will. Thank you, Emily. Yes. You're so welcome, Bethany. Let me know how it goes. You got this. Have fun tonight. Go out. Okay. Leave your house now. Okay.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

I'm going to go shower. Get out the door. You'll be so happy, I promise. You have a good night. Thank you, Emily. Okay, bye. But you're so welcome, sweetie. You got this. Have a good night. Bye. I wanted to get to the bottom of that because I knew. I knew that, like, we're holding onto things and we're so in our heads. But I'm telling you guys, just getting out there, letting people know you're single, it's not that, like, people don'. Like you or you're broken. I just think that's how you meet people, is being involved, having a rich life. Like. And what I mean by that is, like, doing things outside of work. We're all tired. At the end of the day, it's so much easier to go home and watch TV than it is to go out and meet people. But I'm telling you, once you do it and once you start to say, once a week, I'm going to have this experience, I promise you, that's how you build your social circle. That's how you're going to meet people you're into. And that's what people find attractive, too, is people who have a lot going on in a real genuine way, not in, like a fake way, like you gotta build yourself up. But, like, people who love life are attracting people who also love life and are attracted to that energy. So be the person you want to find. Okay, we have Matt. He's 30, from New Zealand and his girlfriend is stressed and hasn't had sex in a while. Hey, Matt in New Zealand. I'm so glad you called.

Hey, Emily, Nice to hear you and nice to be on the show.

I'm so glad you're here. So many listeners in New Zealand and Australia. That's awesome. I love that we get to talk and I can help you. So tell me what's going on.

Yeah. Me and my girlfriend, we've been together for a couple of years now. Sam always been pretty great, but I guess in the last sort of eight months or so, just been. She's gone through a bit of a change. You know, her father was a little bit sick for a bit. She got made redundant. We moved cities. So it's just a bit stressful for her. And she actually expressed to me that her, you know, the sex life is the thing that goes first, I guess, when she's super stressed.

Oh, okay, right. That makes sense. Yeah. Okay, so that makes sense too. It's true, though. When we're stressed and anxious about money and job and.

Yeah, yeah.

Lose our sex drive.

Exactly. And I do. I remember you saying that as well. And so I didn't really want to, you know, Pressure her into anything or. Yeah.

Until this has happened in the last few months, she's not really into sex or. How long?

I reckon probably. Yeah, it'll be coming up probably six months or so. So it feels like a long time. You know, how you kind of almost forget about how to initiate it.

Right.

You know, figure out if they're interested or, you know, things like that.

Right, right. Does she. Does she. Is she feeling better now, though, or she's still stressed out? Is she still in, like, does she seem depressed or is she anxious or.

She has said to me that she deals with a bit of anxiety, and I feel like it's getting better. But, yeah, I think she's definitely going in and out of anxiety. And.

Have you talked to her about this at all and said you really care about her and you want to make sure you guys can, you know, be intimate again?

Yes. Yep. Not as much as we probably should, but we definitely have talked about it. We are quite open and we do talk about this sort of stuff every now and then, but, you know, life kind of gets in the way and.

All that kind of.

I was just wondering kind of other ways to.

Yeah.

Oh, just tell it. See if she's interested or not. Well, how did you used to do in the past, like, when you guys first. I know. I guess in the very early stages, we all just want to have sex all the time in the early stage of relationships. Right. Like, there's no question, like, you walk in the door and your clothes are off in two minutes. I get that. But right now, like, do you know what used to. Cause I'm gonna. Then I'm gonna answer this question, but I also think that it does. It's gonna go back to talking, so. But are there things like, were there certain foreplay, like, does she, like, massage, like, have a foot massage at the end of the day or like, when you bring home dinner, or does she, like going out? Like, have you guys had dinner lately or have you gone to movies or. You know what I mean? There are things that you guys have fun together doing, because when you're at home and you're doing the same things that can get, you know, kind of routine.

True. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah. She loves a good massage. I know she's mentioned in the past, like, she. She's quite used to being like, you know, quite obviously all women love a bit of foreplay, but she likes, you know, heaps of touch and loves to introduce, you know, feathers and try. And I think she's used to Being the kind of more dominant one in the bedroom.

Oh, she's more dominant?

I think so. Yeah. She's told me this, so I haven't actually experienced this, but I've heard her talk about it, and she's sort of said to me that she's a bit. She doesn't know how I would, I guess, react to it or.

Right.

Yeah. I think she maybe wants more from me.

Yeah.

In terms of reaction and seeing a bit of things like that. Yeah.

Yeah. No, Matt, this is all okay. This is great information. So it sounds to me like this is what you need to do, is that you gotta just have a conversation. Like, you gotta say, babe, I love you. I really want to talk about our. It's so important that we continue to connect and have sex life, have great sex, and I miss having sex with you. What can we do together? Like, I. I'd love to try whatever you want. Like, I like telling couples to, like, exchange a sexy, sexy bucket list or what you both are wanting to try. You could say you said you were dominant in the past. That might be kind of sexy. Let's try it. I've got, you know, you could use a necktie. You could use a feather laying around the house, or you go to a sex toy store together and go shopping or buy some things online. But this is what I tell you, Matt. This is so true that you. You said you talk about it sometimes. And what I want you to realize is that the more you talk about it, number one, the easier it gets. So the more it's like, even if it's every other day, like, you talk about what to eat for dinner, that's how your sex life can be, because you're both sharing an experience together. So you both need to talk about it. Like, where are you going on your vacation? What are you doing for dinner? Let's talk about our sex life. And so, because you've talked about it maybe three times in the last six months, like, not enough, Right? Like, when you see her tonight or when you see her today, like, I miss having sex with you. Like, I know you've been going through stuff. I've been going through stuff. Trying to figure out what you need. Like. Like, let's just talk about it. You can say to her, what's your most memorable time that we've had sex? And she might say, that time where you came in late and I, you know, blindfolded you or you blindfolded me, or who knows? Who knows what it is? But then you're gonna learn what her what turns her on, or ask her when she masturbates, what she thinks about her. You guys could watch some porn together. Like, I feel like you guys have to build an erotic life together. And that you're kind of guessing because you're. You know, you care about her and you're being sensitive to what she's going through. But you guys, like, you don't have to solve this on your own. That's what I'm trying to drive home. You guys are in it together, and if you're guessing that there's things that she wants you to try. You guys have been together for two years. So it's time to stop kind of trying to figure it out and have a straightforward conversation. It's gonna get so much easier. And you're not gonna believe that you didn't do this before. Cause that's how you're gonna figure this out. Cause you both want the same thing.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. And I know it's scary, but when you do it, like, outside the bedroom, like at dinner, when you're having breakfast, you just bring it up. Let's talk about sex. What's going on? What can we do from a very. Like, don't make it a serious conversation. Make it playful and fun. Because it's sex. Sex should be fun. And bring that. Infuse that into the relationship. If you start the conversation that way, it's gonna help it, you know, be favorable to both of you, whatever you guys decide. Okay.

Awesome. Yes. Great advice. Yeah.

All right, you got.

Thanks so much.

Let's start talking. Okay. You're so welcome.

Appreciate that.

Bye, Matt. It's fun, you guys. I get it that talking about sex seems so painful. And we think we do it because we did it once every three months, because we know how hard it is and we remember that last conversation. But I'm telling you, the more you do it, the easier it gets. You just kind of like ripping off a band aid. Like, literally, like, babe, I know this is weird. We don't often talk about our sex life. But let's talk about it. And believe me, if you're both in a loving relationship, you're in it together. It's for both of your interests, and you want to be the partner who can contribute and talk about it so you guys can continue to have healthy sex. Communication is a lubrication.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you Listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep and, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really noticed calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.comsexwithemily for 50 off and here's a bonus. Use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sexwithemily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.